[Pokémon] Ferris Wheel (Rated 12A for mild language)(NxTouko)

[starlightartist]

Chapter I: The Beginning

A young pokemon trainer named Touko was strolling up Route 1.
Her flowing, black and beautiful hair swayed in the wind.
She was wearing a white cap with a crimson coloured pokeball on it.
She also wore a white t-shirt with a black jacket.
She had just left her home of Numeva Town.
The Route was long and grassy, with trees dotted here and there.
There were people too, probably other Pokemon trainers.
So many thoughts were rushing around in her head:
Would she have a good adventure?
How many pokemon would she catch?

She was so caught up in her dreams that she almost didn't notice that a wild pokemon had jumped out at her!
It was a Lillipup!
"Snivy, go!"
Touko whipped out her pokedex, to see the definition of both of these creatures.

Snivy, The Grass Snake Pokemon.
They photosynthesize by bathing their tails in sunlight. When they are not feeling well, their tails droop.
Lillipup, The Puppy Pokémon
The long hair around its face provides an amazing radar that lets it sense subtle changes in its surroundings.

The Lillipup tackled her Snivy.
Snivy rolled back along the floor back to Touko.
"Oh no! Snivy, show him how to do it! Tackle, now!"
Snivy dashed over to the Lillipup who was catapulted backwards.
"So then the Professor said to throw the ball...."Touko thought for a second before delving into her bag, pulling out a ball and throwing it.
1 shake.....2 shakes.....3 shakes......"click!"
"YEEEEEAHHHHHH!!!!!"Touko screamed with excitement, "I did it, I actually did it! I cought a pokemon!"

A while later she reached Accumula Town and Professor Juniper was waiting for her. "Hello there Touko!" Juniper smiled as she saw the first of her apprentices arrive.
The professor had on a white lab coat and top underneath, with green shorts and red striped trainers.

"So, Touko, how many pokemon have you got now?"

"Two, Professor. I caught a Lillipup on Route 1!"

"Wow, that's great, Touko!"

The Professor then gave Touko a tour of the Pokemon Centre.
The place was overridden with Pokemon trainers all taking their first steps in the Pokemon World.
Touko smiled. This means she must be an official trainer!
"So this is the main desk, where you heal your Pokemon. Go on, have a go!"

"Ok. Excuse me, Miss Nurse...Could you heal my Pokemon?"

"Sure, let me take them for a second......here you go! All healed!"

"Thank you Miss!"

"Now this, is a PC, it's where you can store your extra Pokemon when you already have six in your party!" Juniper interrupted.

"Ok!"

"Now, Touko. Come over here!"

The Professor and Touko walked over to the shop.
It was small, yet bustling with eager customers
After the two reached the front of the queue, Professor Juniper spoke:
"This is the Pokemart! This is where-" said The Professor patiently.
"Thanks Professor, but I know what a shop is!"
"Ha ha! I know you do Touko!"The Professor didn't mind pointing out the obvious.
However, she often wondered why nobody listened.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Touko exited the building.
She looked over to The Plaza, as she saw there was something going on.
A man stood up and began to talk.
"My name is Ghetsis. I am here representing Team Plasma. Today, ladies and gentlemen, I would like to talk to you about Pokémon liberation.
Touko was curious. Pokemon liberation? She decided to listen in.

"I'm sure most of you believe that we humans and Pokémon are partners that have come to live together because we want and need each other.
However... Is that really the truth? Have you ever considered that perhaps we humans... only assume that this is the truth?
"Pokémon are subject to the selfish commands of Trainers...
They get pushed around when they are our "partners" at work...
Can anyone say with confidence that there is no truth in what I'm saying?"

Touko was starting to wonder. Was this true?
"Now, ladies and gentlemen, Pokémon are different from humans.
They are living beings that contain unknown potential.
They are living beings from whom we humans have much to learn.
Tell me, what is our responsibility toward these wonderful beings called Pokémon?"
"That's right! We must liberate the Pokémon!
Then, and only then, will humans and Pokémon truly be equals.
Everyone, I end my words here today by imploring you to consider the relationship between people and Pokémon... and the correct way to proceed. We sincerely appreciate your attention." The man and all his minions walked off.
Some of the crowd began questioning each other and chatting.
Others ran home to tell their families.

"Woah, what the hell was that?" Touko was confused.


A boy then walked over to Touko from the crowd.
This boy was wearing a plain coloured top and grey long trousers.
He had long and tea green hair and some sorts of bracelets.
A little box shaped charm hung from his belt loops.
"What's your name, little girl?"

"I'm not little! My name is Touko. Who are you?"

"Touko.... What a pretty name! I'm N by the way"

"N? what sort of a name is N? Oh and by the way, do you always flirt with people within the first minute of knowing them?"

"Ha, Ha, flirting?A little judgemental, aren't we? Tell me, did you believe what that man was saying?"

"Well, I couldn't say there was no truth in it....."

"Whatever, I challenge you." N smirked......
To be continued..........


Thanks to Bulbapedia for Ghetsis' Speech

 

[bobandbill]

I'll mention a few main things I noticed when I read this, as I feel this could use some editing and expansion.

Firstly, go without the orange text as on certain styles it is rather hard to read anything in such a colour, especially if it is of a small text size, and when you're reading the such on a computer screen it's not good for the eyes. Along with that, go with a line spacing gap between each paragraph so there's some space between each one - again, it's easier to read when each line isn't clumped together. The default posting options are generally the best way to go about it really for posting stories on the internet.

Secondly, it appears that your story thus far follows too closely to the game's events. Now, this isn't necessarily a bad thing as it can be an interesting basis to use for a story to put your own spin on things - but the issue is that there doesn't seem to be much done with it. I do like how you have Touko react to N by thinking he was flirting with her, but I feel her personality and reactions could be brought into the story to a far greater degree. For instance, there's little reaction from her in regards to his rather unique name (which is a mere letter!), nor on how she is feeling earlier on about beginning her journey, nor catching her first Pokemon, nor the speech she had listened to.

Such events read much like how they occur in the games where it'd make for a more interesting story if you expanded on these events. For instance, more detail on the battle (how they fought, and how she reacted to catching the Lillipup) would be a start, as thus far it breaks down to 'they tackled each other a few times and then she threw a Pokeball'. It's a similar issue with say how you mentioned that the professor showed her a Pokemon Centre and so forth in one sentence, which isn't very exciting for us to read, nor as it is seemingly necessary to the story (as it is, the professor appears only for that moment and then no longer serves a purpose). Expanding on this event into even a few paragraphs, or alternatively dropping it to go about your own way instead of just relying on what happens in the game would improve the story.

Consider also reading a few other fics by other members here, as well as the guides on writing as linked to in the rules thread - seeing how other people go about with their stories can help. Good luck with your story!

 

[starlightartist]

Thank you for the constructive criticism and I will take it all in to account.
From now on you can expect a higher writing standard from me.
Thank you once again!

 

[olih]

Wow, you're good! The only thing I'd say, like bobandbill, is maybe change the formatting a little bit? And also include more detail, that makes the story more colorful and fun to read. Also thanks for writing this for the FerrisWheelShipping group! I'm looking forward to reading more of your story.

 

[starlightartist]

Ok, Ok.
@bobandbill
Edited it and used your tips, please tell me what you think now.
@olih No problem, I enjoy writing!

@both Thank you both for your constructive criticism and please re-read now I have edited.

 

[Sydian]

Now, first things first. At first glance, I noticed dialog really dominated the first paragraph. And when I read, I could picture it in my mind, but what about people that don't know what Touko, Snivy, Route 1, etc. looked like? So that in mind, you definitely need more description. I want a picture painted in my mind. As a reader, I need the writer to give me that image of Touko's brunette hair, her clothes, etc. I need to know what exactly Snivy and Lillipup are, and I need to know how the route is. So many things I'm left to wonder about.

Also, Touko must be a little full of herself to call N out on flirting so soon! I don't see how saying someone has a pretty name is outright flirting right when they meet each other...it seems a bit rude of her to just say "omg ur flirting11!!!!" right off the bat. Makes her seem judgmental and rude, in my opinion.

Bobandbill said everything else I would have pointed out, but I just wanted to get out what I needed to say. Also, I'm a little put off at the fact that this story will apparently have mild sexual content, and you're apparently ten...I just find it odd. Your story, though. Do what you want. I just found that a little odd, and honestly, it made me curious to read this, since most fics that say "sexual content" end up just havin...well, a kiss. I've done it before too, but I've learned the lesson since then. It was many years ago. But I'm rambling now, so yeah. I'll try to pop in for the next chapter. I haven't reviewed in forever. Good luck!

 

[starlightartist]

Ok, will re re re edit!
Thanks Sydian btw

Ok, have done another edit.
I will strive to make this chapter perfect before starting the next!
Oh could someone edit out the sexual content part of the title?
I will probably put in some mild language, so best tone it down to a PG.

 

[Astinus]

Your title has been edited. Also, take care not to double-post like that again.

You should work on your paragraphing. All of your paragraphs are just a sentence long. Since I didn't see this story when you originally posted it, I'm not sure if you made the paragraphs this way after or before you received some reviews.

Let's take the opening of this chapter, for example. Instead of each line being broken up like it is, let's combine things into better paragraphs.

A young pokemon trainer named Touko was strolling up Route 1. Her flowing, black and beautiful hair swayed in the wind. She was wearing a white cap with a crimson coloured pokeball on it. She also wore a white t-shirt with a black jacket. She had just left her home of Numeva Town.

The Route was long and grassy, with trees dotted here and there. There were people too, probably other Pokemon trainers. So many thoughts were rushing around in her head: Would she have a good adventure? How many pokemon would she catch?

It looks much better now, doesn't it?

I just noticed that you have a lot of sentences that start off with "she" in that first paragraph right there. Since you want to include Touko's description in this fic, you have two options to write this better. The first thing you can do is combine sentences:

Her flowing, black and beautiful hair swayed in the wind, mostly tucked under a white cap with a crimson coloured pokeball on it.

You can also reword the sentences so that they don't start with she.

Or you can spice up your descriptions by making them more alive than a list. Instead of saying that Touko wore a white cap, say something like "She dusted off her white cap." Something like that. That way, the description becomes more memorable and stays in the reader's mind.

Like bobandbill said, you should break away from writing just the basics of what happened in the games. Add more to it, like Touko's emotions. Don't just say that she's happy to be a new trainer. Say things like "Her heart raced in her chest" or however Touko's emotions make her respond.

Remember to keep characters' characterizations in mind. Like would N really compliment Touko at all, especially since he doesn't like humans? N's a difficult character to write well in romance fics, so take care not to rush anything with him. Keep his back story in mind.

Another thing you should keep consistent is the capitalization methods for Pokemon and the species names. You start off not capitalizing "Pokemon" but then in the same chapter you start capitalizing the word. Make sure that you consistently capitalize it and related words or not capitalize it and related words, depending on which way you choose.

I also saw that you capitalized "professor" in the scene with Juniper. Unless you're using the word as part of her name, it shouldn't be capitalized. You'll probably want to look around for a beta reader to help you with grammar.

Hope this helps.