Here is the beggining of a story i am writing

[ShadowWind]

This is the beggining of a story i am writing it will be done within a week or so probably 2 or 3 pages long please note that thoughts are in italics and location change is bold and underlined. So enjoy and please give nay suggestions and tell me what you think! (= Also i wriote this from the main characters point of view

My Final Journey​

​

Hello my name is Joshua Hishtogar and I live in a world where there is an evil Monarch named Shefola rules with an iron fist. Pokémon trainers are scarce nowadays do to the fact that we were given three options join Shefola, the rebellion, or die. This is the story of my final journey. I slowly climbed out of the cave exit with my partner Dragonair, took a deep breath of air and said "Well it may have taken 2 days but we finally made it through the Jengai Pass." Suddenly Dragonair collapsed, I rushed too his side and tried too get him too wake. I checked his pulse it was faint and slow, but it was still there. I quickly gathered him in my arms and began running towards the Jengai stronghold. While running I thought come on Dragonair what is wrong with you did that fight against that Seviper injure you? But you were barely scratched! Oh Dragonair I'm so sorry! I soon reached the gates too the stronghold and demanded entrance. Stating in my desperation what was wrong and too let me in. I got too the Pokémon center and handed Dragonair to Nurse Joy. She told me "not too worry Chancy and I will have him right as rain soon." Then they entered the operating room without another word. I waited and wondered how long it had been since they brought Dragonair in an hour, two? The wait was maddening and time just seemed too slow. Eventually I was granted the sweet bliss of sleep.

It was hours before Chancy shook me awake and led me to Nurse Joy. Joy "Dragonair will be fine with just a few more days of sleep. The poison did more damage too his body then we first thought. You may take him with you once he wakes up but in the meantime just make yourself comfortable you can stay in one of our rooms until then." There were too many emotions rushing through me at the same time Joy, Sorrow, Self Blame, Regret and too many more too name.

Somewhere 30 miles away in a magnificent Mountaintop Palace
Advisor have you found the renegade trainer who stole the "cargo" yet? No my Lo-ord She-e-fol-a stammered the advisor. Then find him or it will be your head! Ye-es my Lord said the advisor while entering a deep bow.

Back at the Pokémon Center
I lay restless in my bed this night with thoughts of Dragonair clouding my mind. When finally I remembered what drove me too Jengai again. I slowly leaned off the side of the bed and opened my bag and removed the item within. An item so precious, so fragile, that it would break at the slightest drop. It was a Pokémon Egg. The egg that could save Pokémon once and for all. Shefola not only ruled like a dictator but he wiped out all of the female Pokémon and put the males too work. This is when all the Pokémon trainers, breeders, professors, and scientists ran as far as they could. They took as many of their pokemon with them as they could only the males were saved. Many were lucky too escape with any of their pokemon. Then they hid. Yet there was a beacon of hope left for pokemon Shefola held 25 female eggs for himself incase he wanted too revive the species. I broke in too his palace 9 days ago I have ran toward Jengai since. This is the capital of the renegade forces. This is Pokemons' last chance for survival.

 

[Percy Thrillington]

Okay, for a start, The Revision Bin is currently out of bounds due to inactivity within the board, so far future reference, post your previews in the Writer's Lounge.

Secondly, my corrections are in bold and my notes are in red:

Hello, my name is Joshua Hishtogar and I live in a world where there is an evil Monarch named Shefola rules with an iron fist. Pokémon trainers are scarce nowadays do to the fact that we were given three options: Join Shefola, have a rebellion or die. This is the story of my final journey. I slowly climbed out of the cave exit with my partner, Dragonair, took a deep breath of air and said, "Well, it may have taken two (Any number lower than a hundred is spelled out) days but we finally made it through the Jengai Pass." Suddenly Dragonair collapsed, I rushed to his side and tried to get him to (In this sentence, you have used the wrong word. Too is if you are saying, me too or there are too much things for me to carry. Otherwise you just use to. Two is used for counting purposes.) wake. I checked his pulse; it was faint and slow, but it was still there. I quickly gathered him in my arms and began running towards the Jengai stronghold. While running I thought, come on, Dragonair, what is wrong with you? Did that fight against that Seviper injure you? But you were barely scratched! Oh, Dragonair, I'm so sorry! I soon reached the gates to the stronghold and demanded that I was allowed in (Saying 'I demanded Entrance' doesn't really make sense. I advise to go over that again.). I got to the Pokémon center and handed Dragonair to Nurse Joy. She told me not to worry and that Chancy (I'm not sure if that was an intended nickname or if you spelled Chansey wrong.) and I will have him right as rain soon. Then they entered the operating room without another word. I waited and wondered how long it had been since they brought Dragonair in. An hour, two? The wait was maddening and time just seemed too slow. Eventually I was granted the sweet bliss of sleep.

It was hours before Chancy shook me awake and led me to Nurse Joy. Joy said; "Dragonair will be fine with just a few more days of sleep. The poison did more damage too his body then we first thought. You may take him with you once he wakes up but in the meantime just make yourself comfortable you can stay in one of our rooms until then." There were too many emotions rushing through me at the same time; Joy, Sorrow, Self Blame, Regret and too many more too name. (For some reason, you capitalized all the emotions. I'm guessing that you did that for emphasis but I would advise you not to ignore the basic rules of grammar.)

Advisor have you found the renegade trainer who stole the "cargo" yet? No my Lo-ord She-e-fol-a stammered the advisor. Then find him or it will be your head! Ye-es my Lord said the advisor while entering a deep bow. (This is all crazy. You don't say who is talking and there are no speech marks.)

Back at the Pokémon Center
I lay restless in my bed this night with thoughts of Dragonair clouding my mind when finally I remembered what drove me too Jengai, again. I slowly leaned off the side of the bed and opened my bag and removed the item within. An item so precious, so fragile, that it would break at the slightest drop. It was a Pokémon Egg. The egg that could save Pokémon once and for all. Shefola not only ruled like a dictator but he wiped out all of the female Pokémon and put the males to work. This is when all the Pokémon trainers, breeders, professors, and scientists ran as far as they could. They took as many of their pokemon with them as they could only the males were saved. Many were lucky too escape with any of their pokemon. Then they hid. Yet there was a beacon of hope left for pokemon. Shefola held 25 female eggs for himself in case (in case is two words) he wanted too revive the species. I broke in too his palace nine days ago I have ran toward Jengai since. This is the capital of the renegade forces. This is Pokemons' last chance for survival.

So, after those corrections, I can leave you with the following notes:

1). Post in Tahoma or Verdana. Times New Roman isn't the easiest font to read when it's at size four.

2). Write on Microsoft Word and don't be afraid to use a Spellchecker. They were created for a reason.

3). You seem to have a problem with the words to and too. The word too is used for these purposes:

There were too many of them, I couldn't fight any longer.

And:

Yeah, I want to go to the shops too!

To, on the other hand, is used for practically everything else. Yeah, you grammatical fiends reading this thread can tear me apart and tell me how wrong I am now.

4). You seem to have a problem with the location of commas. I suggest looking up a guide on how to use commas across the internet, or asked your English teacher/parents/someone who knows what they're talking about when it comes to the English language.

5). On the plot, it seems okay but a bit too unrealistic. The main character breaks into the layer of the evil antagonist and doesn't elaborate any more than that? It could go places if the story was written properly.

6). When someone is speaking, use speech marks and start a new sentence by hitting the enter button twice. When a new paragraph starts, hit the enter button twice.

Apart from that, it seems okay. It needs a lot of fixing up.

 

[ShadowWind]

Okay, for a start, The Revision Bin is currently out of bounds due to inactivity within the board, so far future reference, post your previews in the Writer's Lounge.

Secondly, my corrections are in bold and my notes are in red:



So, after those corrections, I can leave you with the following notes:

1). Post in Tahoma or Verdana. Times New Roman isn't the easiest font to read when it's at size four.

2). Write on Microsoft Word and don't be afraid to use a Spellchecker. They were created for a reason.

3). You seem to have a problem with the words to and too. The word too is used for these purposes:

There were too many of them, I couldn't fight any longer.

And:

Yeah, I want to go to the shops too!

To, on the other hand, is used for practically everything else. Yeah, you grammatical fiends reading this thread can tear me apart and tell me how wrong I am now.

4). You seem to have a problem with the location of commas. I suggest looking up a guide on how to use commas across the internet, or asked your English teacher/parents/someone who knows what they're talking about when it comes to the English language.

5). On the plot, it seems okay but a bit too unrealistic. The main character breaks into the layer of the evil antagonist and doesn't elaborate any more than that? It could go places if the story was written properly.

6). When someone is speaking, use speech marks and start a new sentence by hitting the enter button twice. When a new paragraph starts, hit the enter button twice.

Apart from that, it seems okay. It needs a lot of fixing up.

thanks im new at this and i know i screw up too and to when i type its always been a habit and ive been trying too break it but i just cant -_- and i didnt know this board was liek out of bounds

 

[Astinus]

thanks im new at this and i know i screw up too and to when i type its always been a habit and ive been trying too break it but i just cant -_- and i didnt know this board was liek out of bounds

The fact that the Revision Bin is not in use was written in the Rules thread of this section. You should always read the rules of a section before posting so that you don't make simple mistakes such as this.

 

[ShinyArceusRules]

Great .. IS it gonna be a hack or something ....???

 

[Astinus]

My GOD.

Don't bump threads asking questions about hacks, especially in dead subforums in forums that have absolutely nothing to do with hacks. Read the rules of a section before you post again.