Hero of the world

[nimmi]

Save me! (new title and improved story)

THis is my first fanfic about pokémon. This fanfic is kinda based of the new movie "Dialga vs Palkia vs Darkrai" This fanfic is NOT like the movie.It`s simply my own idea,but it contains some of the pokémon from the movie and some characters as well. But since I havn´t seen the movie yet I don`t know much about Dialga,Palkia or Darkrai.
PG-13


Ok I have improved the story,so tell me what you think.


The man looked at the tablet. The old stone tablet lay on the table in front of him. His mouth changed shape from unemotional line to a wicked smile. "Soon, you'll be under my command." He said in a low tone which would frighten anyone in his presents.
The whole man himself appeared as evil the way his was dressed. He wore a bloody red suit and tie with a matching cloak. His hair matched it all. The man let out an evil laugh. A laugh full of evilness which would send chills down ones spine. It was clear he had something in mind, something that would change our heroes lives…




The sun shined brightly on a clear blue sky. It wasn't a cloud in sight, and the warmth from the sun gave the day a daze mood.
On a path leading to Álamos Town three friends walked silent in the boiling hot sunlight.
These friends were no others than our heroes, Ash, Dawn and Brock, and Pikachu of course.
They were all pretty tired, and after a long walk through the rough terrain they finally reached Álamos Town.

Ash looked forward to get out of the hot sunlight and under some shade. He could hear his stomach growling as well, which made him wonder about when the last time he ate was.
But no matter how hard he tried to think the warm weather had gotten to him, making him feel a little dizzy.
Ash wasn't the only one that felt uncomfortable, Dawn and Brock felt the same, but they managed to hide their feelings. They didn't want to cause any negative energy within the gang.


After another two minutes they could finally enter Álamos Town. Ash felt a huge relief when he saw buildings surrounding him. Knowing that shade and a cold ice cream wasn't far away made him feel a lot better.
As Ash looked around he felt a sudden rush of cold air. He noticed that he hadn't felt that feeling in a long time. At first he enjoyed it,but then he began to feel a little too cold. He looked at the sun, it was still shining as bright as ever, but Ash couldn't pick up any warmth from it. Ash looked at Dawn and Brock and noticed they didn't seem to feel any coldness at all.
Ash wondered why he felt cold when the others felt like they where boiling. He tried to think but the bitter cold took all his energy away. He felt like he had been thrown out in a snowstorm only wearing a T-shirt and shorts.
Then as fast as the feeling overfilled him, it disappeared. Ash felt the warmth from the sun on his bare arms. A nice warm felling overwhelmed him. He felt the warmth from the sun in his whole body. It made him wonder why he suddenly felt a bitter cold and then the grilling hot sunlight.
His thoughts were interrupted by Dawn shouting "Ice cream!"
As soon Ash heard those words he couldn't think of anything else then the sweet taste of vanilla ice cream melting in his mouth. He longed for an ice cream,and without a second to spare he took of after Dawn who was already racing in full speed towards an ice cream shop.
Brock had no choice but to hurry after them.


"This is delicious!" Dawn declared as she felt the cold and sweet taste of strawberry ice cream mixed with chocolate taste ice cream in her mouth. She loved ice cream, and found out it had been too long since she had one last.
Pikachu agreed with her with an enthusiastic "Pika Pikachu!"
Pikachu had also gotten an ice cram of course, and the look on its face made it clear it loved every bit of it.
Seeing the smiles on his friends faces Ash had totally forgotten about that nasty cold feeling he had earlier. It was first now Ash noticed how the town really looked like.
All the buildings and streets where made of stones with some sort of beige colour. The whole town was built in old style, and with the clear blue sky and the bright sun it was like looking into the mind of a creative artist.
Ash, Dawn, Brock and Pikachu enjoyed the ice cream around a table under a red and white striped parasol.
After ten minutes Dawn felt a shiver. She looked around and noticed something very strange…

 

[Careful With That Axe Pichu!]

I say change the dialog structure as it is now confusing and messy, as well as applying a contrast in paragraphs properly. You can make use of quotation marks ("") as a start, to define dialogue and separate it from narration/description.

You lack lots of punctuation marks. Even Word can be an ally in some cases.

So yeah, many things you should consider improving in your work, you might want to take a look at the OW forum's FAQ's and guides.

 

[Astinus]

To build off what Careful With That Axe, Pichu said...

One of the greatest things you can do with your story is to separate the paragraphs easier. Just hit the Enter bar twice between each paragraph, and your story comes out looking much neater. Plus, more people will be willing to read your story.

For your dialogue, you want to use quotation marks to surround it, separating it from the narration. It'll be easier for the reader to see it as dialogue then...or something of the sort.

One thing that I see that you didn't do before posting your story was to proof-read it. This is obvious from one line where Brock is typo-ed as "Brick". It's a simple mistake to make, and a simple one to catch if one just reads over the story.

I suggest that you invest in a word processing program, like Microsoft Word. A program such as this has a spell-check that'll catch misspelled words such as "finnaly", "tgheir", and other typos that you have. But Word, or any one of these programs, aren't perfect, so even though you have the spell-check, you still need to go back and proof-read. Otherwise, you have "Brick" for "Brock". xD

This does look like an interesting story. Especially the fact that this is based off the tenth movie, which isn't even out yet in Japan! So I want to see where this goes.

Just for a thread you should check out: Basic Pokemon Writing FAQ v1.0. It has lots of advice that might prove useful in your fanfiction writing.

Good luck, and keep practicing your writing.

 

[nimmi]

Thanks for giving me advice! I improved my story so tell me what you think.

 

[Astinus]

You did much better this time! I read through, and saw a big improvement over what you had previously posted. And I saw that you read through what you wrote before you posted it, so there weren't any typos. Great job!

When you post the next chapter, I'll help you out a bit with grammar. We'll take it slow. So yes, that means that I'll be coming back to read the rest of this fanfiction.

But right now, just be proud of what you did so far!

 

[nimmi]

part 2

After ten minutes, Dawn felt a shiver. She looked around and noticed something very strange. The sunlight got weaker, as if something was blocking it, something invisible to the man eye.
Dawn laid her sight on a huge tower not far from where they where sitting. She could not believe her own eyes. "Ash, Brock, have a look at that." She said while pointing at the tower.
Ash and Brock looked at Dawn and then looked at where she was pointing.
A thick and silky fog swallowed the top of the high tower. Above the tower, the sky had changed from clear and blue to a sad grey color. The whole scene looked like a scene you only saw in movies, and usually when something tragic happens.

Ash looked at the mysterious phenomena with mixed feelings. It was as something unknown had awakened inside of him, a side of him that he had not noticed before or never actually had before.
He felt like he had to get inside and away from the fog as quick as possible.
"Guys, maybe we should go to the pokémon centre?" Brock asked with a slight worry in his tone.
Ash and Dawn nodded, and so they headed for the pokémon centre.

Luckily, the pokémon centre was just down the street, by the famous Space-Time Tower, the same Tower that had its top covered by a mysterious fog.



Tonio circled around in distress. The young scientist held in his hands a black laptop. The screen filled with all his latest information about abnormal space-time phenomena breaking into the town.
Tonio let out a sigh and put the laptop down on his big, black leather chair. He searched around the laboratory with his eyes; he was searching for an answer or at least something that would help him find out what he should do about this whole situation he had been put in. He thought about all the citizens that had no idea that abnormal space-time phenomena was practically taking over the town.
Then, there in the drawer to the left, he had completely forgotten about the old diary he once found when he was cleaning the basement. He had found the diary that belonged to Godey, his great-grandfather. Godey was not only Tonio`s great-grandfather, but he was also the genius architect of the Space-Time Tower.
Since the diary belonged to one in his family, Tonio decided to keep it. Now it might be a good time to read its wise lines written by the famous Godey.
Tonio opened the drawer and put his hands on the old, brown worn out book. He wasted no time. He opened the book in the middle pages. The small lines written with an ink pen was almost invisible, but Tonio managed to put the words together to sentences. He had no idea that his good reading ability of old writing would save someone's lives later.
Then, Tonio found what he was looking for, something interesting.
He laid his eyes on a text that proved to be a prediction
When space and time come together, a great wrath will engulf the world. An eternal never-ending battle of gods... the hope is left, Oración...

Tonio read in his mind. His thought reading this diary would give him answers, but instead it gave him more questions. Tonio read the prediction again, but the more he read it the more confused he got. After a lot of thinking Tonio left himself with no option, he had to go to the Space-Time Tower.
Tonio took of his white trench coat and headed for the door.



Ash and Dawn sat by a table inside the pokémon centre. Both of them were in deeps thoughts.They wondered why the fog came so sudden and if it meant anything.
Ash couldn't explain it, but he felt like something terrible was about to happen. He had no ida how right he was.
Since they entered the pokémon centre the fog had spread throughout the streets. Since the fog had spread, many trainers had come to the pokémon centre and talked about how the fog spread so fast. The whole town was wrapped in an ominous fog.
Ash and Dawn waited for Brock to return from whatever he was doing. Dawn wanted to use the opportunity to tell Ash something she had wanted to tell him for a while now. But in all the previous opportunities she didn't dare to tell him, no matter how hard she tried. Something was holding her back, the thought of Ash would think she was stupid, or what if he got angry and would never to her again!
No, Dawn, you are going to tell him this time, no more excuses, she said to herself inside of her mind. Dawn opened her mouth to speak, "Ash?" She was surprised how nervous she sounded.
Ash was snapped out of his thoughts by hearing his name been called. "Yeah" he answered.
Dawn almost panicked inside when she heard Ash answer her, she thought he wouldn't hear her small nervous call. "Ash, I want to tell you something."
Ash had a questioning look on his face; he waited for Dawn to continue.
"It's kind of hard to explain, but…" Brock saying he was back interrupted Dawn's words. Dawn felt the feeling of disappointment overwhelm her, but at the same time, she felt relieved.
Ash looked out the window; he had already forgotten that Dawn wanted to tell him something.
Dawn on the other hand wondered why he didn't ask her to finish, but she was glad he didn't. She was not going to tell him in front of Brock or anyone else.

Ash suddenly noticed something outside the window.
"Hey, guys look." He said in order to gain his friends interests.
Pikachu, Dawn, and Brock looked out the window. Outside they saw a small light shine through the heavy fog. Ash was surprised the fog had gotten to thick so quickly.
"Should we check it out?" Brock asked Ash, whose face was glued to the window.
"Yeah,let`s go" He answered not taking his eyes of the light outside.
Dawn did not feel much about going outside but ran after the boys who were heading out the door.
Once outside Ash and Pikachu ran at full speed towards the light, but quickly stopped when they saw a shadow behind the small weak light.
Pikachu growled and small sparks came out from its read cheeks. The shadow came closer and closer…

 

[nimmi]

please leave feedback if you are a member of this forum and reading my story.

I need to know if more people are reading this or not.

 

[Lubricus]

great fic i really like it.

 

[nimmi]

thanks!
at least I have two readers I know about.

 

[nimmi]

Once outside, Ash and Pikachu ran at full speed towards the light, but quickly stopped when they saw a shadow behind the small weak light.
Pikachu growled and small sparks came out from its read cheeks. The shadow came closer and closer.
Ash held his breath; he heart was beating faster and faster. Suddenly a man appeared behind something, which turned out to be a flashlight.
Pikachu stopped growling and Ash felt a huge relief. He exhaled and his heartbeat returned to normal.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you, but I seem to have gotten a little disorientated." Said the young man and turned off his flashlight.
"That's okay." Ash told him. "What were you doing out here anyway?" Ash asked curiously and he wondered why anyone would be out in this fogy streets. "I was on my way to the Space-Time Tower, and suddenly the fog got so tick, and I could hardly see through it." The man answered.
Ash suggested that the man should come back with him to the pokémon centre. The young man agreed since he did not wanted to wander around alone in the ghostly town.

The gang sat around the table inside the pokémon centre. The man told them his name was Tonio and that he was a scientist, and that he was currently working on abnormal space-time phenomena. Ash thought about the fog and the mysterious coldness he felt earlier that day. Could there be a connection? Ash wondered.
Tonio showed the gang the diary of Godey he brought with him. He told the gang that Godey was the architect of the Space-Time Tower, and he was his great-grandfather as well.
Ash laid his eyes on the open diary in front of him. He sat his sight on a small text right in the middle of the page. He tried to read the small letters, but the only word he could identify was the word space. Ash wanted to know what the text said. Not only did he want to know, but also he felt like he had to. "Tonio, what does that texts say?" Ash asked and put his finger on the small text in the middle of the old page.
Tonio was surprised Ash wanted to know what an old text in an old diary said. He thought teens these days did not care much about agent stuff like that. Nevertheless, he figured if Ash wanted to know he might as well tell them about the prediction.
"It is a prediction. I am not sure what it means though. It says, when space and time come together, a great wrath will engulf the world. An eternal never-ending battle of gods... the hope is left, Oración... That's all." Tonio knew that was not all. In order to avoid panic he hid a very important fact. A fact that Ash should have known, but he was about to find out for himself.

Ash, Dawn and Brock remained silent for a while. Ash repeated the prediction repeatedly inside of his head. He did not wanted to forget one word of it, and at the same time, he tried to figure out what it meant. The words seemed to bewitch his mind. He was so caught up in his own thoughts he did not even notice Pikachu that was trying to get his attention. The yellow mouse pokémon waved its paw in front of Ash's face, but no reaction.
Pikachu began to get a worried about his best friend not reacting to its calls.
Dawn noticed Ash did not respond to Pikachu and wondered why. "Ash?" She called "Ash, are you alright?" It was still no response. Dawn did not have much patience. She waved her hand in front of his face and yelled out for him. Ash snapped out of his thoughts when he heard Dawn yell. He looked around as if he did not know where he was.
"Ash, what is wrong with you? " Dawn asked rather irritated. "Pikachu tried to make contact with you several times!" Dawn surprised ash with her words. He did not even notice that Pikachu tried to talk to him.
Ash looked at Pikchu. "Pika pi" It said with a concerned look on its cute face. Pikachu had known Ash for almost five years but Ash had never ignored it before. That concerned Pikachu,but its concern vanished when it saw a smile on Ash's face. "Don't worry buddy.i`m okay." Ash said to Pikachu to calm it. Pikachu smiled at Ash happy to have him back.
Ash looked out the window and noticed something had changed…

 

[Astinus]

Sorry! Sorry! *smacks forehead* I've been playing Pearl, neglecting my reviewing duties. But that's no real excuse.

Okay, so here's your grammar lesson for the day. It's about dialogue. Now dialogue can be a tricky thing to punctuate correctly, so don't be discouraged if you don't get it right away. Just keep trying.

Let's take one line of dialogue and narration from your story.

"Ash, Brock, have a look at that." She said while pointing at the tower.

As you have it now, the full stop before the quotation marks ("") should be a comma. This is because "she said" is a continuation of the dialogue because you are telling the reader how the dialogue was spoken. (Confusing, I know.) And because it's all part of the same sentence, "she" is lowercased.

"Ash, Brock, have a look at that," she said while pointing at the tower.

So let's say that you didn't have "she said" in the sentence. Then you would keep the full stop in the quotation marks as it is, and capitalise the "she". ("Pointed" would then become the verb of the second sentence.)

"Ash, Brock, have a look at that." She pointed at the tower.

That's what you do if you have a full stop or a comma for the ending dialogue punctuation. But what do you do if it's a question mark (?) or an exclamation point (!)? Same thing.

"Ash?" she called.

See? ^_^ Just like that.

-

Just work on this for your next chapter. Don't forget to hit Enter to create a new paragraph every time. This'll make it easier for readers.

Keep writing! You have a good story line that needs to be written, so don't get discouraged!

 

[nimmi]

thanks!!
That really helped me out. I`ll work on this for a while, then post the next chapter.

 

[nimmi]

it`s been a long time since i udated. I have been competing with my horse and just havn`t felt like udating,but here`s a new chapter


Ash looked out the window and noticed something had changed. The fog had gotten weaker. From where he sat, Ash could see the dark figure of a tower. The enormous Space-Time Tower stood like a huge shadow in the middle of the fog.

Ash alerted the others and they where surprised when they saw that the fog had lightened. Ash was about to make a comment about the situation but was interrupted by a female voice.
"Tonio,is that you?" Tonio turned his eyes away from the widow, turned around, and saw a beautiful blonde girl. The girl was in her late teen ages and was wearing a scarlet red dress.
"Alice, I am happy to see you," Tonio said, delighted to see his old friend. Tonio introduced Alice to the gang. Ash, Pikachu, Dawn and Brock also introduced themselves.

Alice, Tonio, Dawn, and Brock began to talk about something, but Ash did not pay much attention to them. He looked out the window. Suddenly his heart skipped a beat. He saw a movement. Something just moved in front of the tower. Ash looked closer and he could swear he just saw something big fly up in the air. Then he felt a sudden rush of cold air. Suddenly he felt like an iron board just hit his head. The pain went down his spine and spread all the way down to his feet. Ash screamed and the awful pain stopped in a flash. The scream sounded all over the Pokémon centre. Ash looked around and found everyone starring at him as if he was an alien.

"Ash, are you alright?" Brock asked, he sounded concerned. Ash did not answer as his ears had picked up a strange sound. Brock asked him again if he was all right, this time he nearly shouted.

Ash held his hand in front of him "Hysh."
Brock and the others looked at Ash with questioning looks. Ash had really surprised them, first he let out a scream that completely terrified everyone around, and then he told them to stay quite. It made the gang completely confused.

Ash sharpened his ears and listened carefully to the strange humming. It sounded a little like Logia, but it was not the same. This sound was more like a low hum. Ash tried to listen to the sound but heard a couple of people talking at the other end of the room. Annoyed by the talking that he heard extremely well, he closed his eyes. He then let himself go into a deep concentration.

Dawn could not take it any longer. "Ash what are you doing!" she shouted in frustration. "If you are trying to pull off some kind of joke, it is not funny!" Dawn got more angry and frustrated when ash did not even open his eyes to look at her. Dawn felt something nag inside of her; she felt the anger boiling on the inside. What is Ash trying to do? She wondered. Whatever he was doing made Dawn frustrated. She was concerned why he screamed and as he would not answer to anything Dawn had gotten so concerned and frustrated that, she shouted at him. She told her self to calm down in her mind. She looked at Ash, and so did the others.

Suddenly and completely unexpected Ash opened his eyes. Before any of his friends could react Ash jumped up from his seat and ran at full speed towards a bullbasaur. In lightning speed, he grabbed the bullbasaur and slide two meters across the flour. Just as Ash and Bullbasaur was out of the way, the ceiling collapsed and fell to the floor right where bullbasaur previously stood. It all happened in a matter of seconds. Ash's sudden act made everyone's jaw drop. But before any of the witnesses could react, more of the ceiling collapsed. The big and hard peaces of wood and cement fell to the floor and hit it so hard that the floor cracked.
People started to panic. Screams sounded all over the pokémon centre as more and more of the ceiling fell to the floor. People and pokémon headed for the doors in full speed, in fear of being crushed by the big peaces of ceiling, which hit the floor.

Ash quickly let go of bullbasaur and ran towards Pikachu and his friends. As Ash joined them, they started to run towards the closes door. Behind them, the ceiling fell to the ground.
The door in front of them was wide open and outside they saw people and their pokémon run away from the pokémon centre as fast as they could. Behind them, they heard the sound ear braking sound of cement and wood hit the broken floor. Just one second after Ash jumped in the air and out the door, the last peace of the ceiling fell to the floor and hit it with a big "BAM!"

 

[Charizard_Man]

This is a pretty good fic, it has great potential. Carry on.

 

[Astinus]

*dances like the steel town girl that she is*

You did better on the dialogue! Great job there!

There really isn't anything major that I can teach you that'll help you improve mechanics-wise. So I'll just tell you about something else.

Don't feel bad that the last time you updated was five days ago. There's no need to rush your chapters. Take whatever time you need to write your chapters and be satisfied with them. Hey, if you don't like your writing, then why should other people, neh?

Also, don't forget that you really shouldn't post your chapter as soon as you finish it. This is because when you are typing/writing your chapter, you're too caught up in getting the story down. Why care about small typos when it's more important to move the plot along?

This is why I keep saying that you shouldn't forget to proof-read. Once you finish your chapter (after you celebrate a bit, of course) go back and read over your chapter. You know why? Because then you can catch your mistakes that you might have made as you were writing.

"Ash what are you doing! " she shouted in frustration

See? Like here, you messed up your quotation marks and forgot the ending punctuation. I know that you know how to punctuate correctly because you did it through the rest of your chapter. It's not fair that these little mistakes should still exist. Knock them dead by going back and hunting them down by proof-reading.

You're getting better at spacing out your paragraphs. Start a new one whenever someone new speaks.

"Ash, are you alright?" Brock asked, he sounded concerned. Ash did not answer as his ears had picked up a strange sound. Brock asked him again if he was all right, this time he nearly shouted. Ash held his hand in front of him "Hysh."

Goes to...

"Ash, are you alright?" Brock asked, he sounded concerned. Ash did not answer as his ears had picked up a strange sound. Brock asked him again if he was all right, this time he nearly shouted.

Ash held his hand in front of him "Hysh."

After you paste your chapter into the reply box, hit "Preview Post". This way, you can see your chapter before anyone else does, and how it'll look when you do post it. Then you can catch all the areas where you need to hit the Enter button again. You hit it once, but you need to hit it again in some areas of your chapter. Consistency is the key.

And other than that, there's really nothing else I can really tell you. The rest is up to you.

 

[nimmi]

thanks again,I`ll read through the next chapter at least 5 times. lol