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[Pokémon] Instance Decision

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Instance_Decision___Prologue_by_Mackinz.jpg


Instance Decision by Mackinz of DeviantArt/KajiVenator of PokeCommunity.

We meet Mitch and Etch, the Scyther. Etch is the child of Bugsy's Scyther, a unique breed of Scyther with a golden hourglass shape on the back of their thorax. Lately, Mitch has been having problems sleeping , usually waking up after a jolt of pain. Well, one night, after waking up from yet another strange dream, he finds himself looking out into the night through the window in his bedroom. But, something catches his eye and he sets out to find out why it was in the forest in the middle of the night, resulting in a strange encounter that causes him to lose track of time. With new allies in hand, can he stop those strange dreams or, at least, determine the cause? Who knows! Join me in the quest to find out in Pokemon: Instance Decision!


This is my first time posting a fanfiction story on this site but please do not go easy of the reviews.​

A Pokemon fan-fiction written by Timothy "Mackinz" Wirth with no help anyone as of yet.

This is a work of fan-fiction and may not be modified or sold under any circumstances.

Original Story, Characters and all other Original Content are Copyright 2010 Timothy "Mackinz" Wirth.

Pokemon and all related content and characters are Copyright 1996, 1997, 1998, 1999, 2005, 2006 and 2009 to Nintendo, Game Freak, Creatures and The Pokemon Company.Image found by Google and will be replaced if I am notified of its usage without permission.
Currently writing: Chapter Four

Chapter Guide (PC)
Prologue
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three
Chapter Four

Chapter Guide (dA)

--- Prologue ---


"A stormy night in the Johto region. Quite fitting for what we have planned, eh boss?"

"How are the generators holding foreman?"

The foreman glanced at the giant computer screen. "There is no damage to report, sir. The generators are maintaining full power. Taking the plates away from that creature has prevented it from doing any damage to the generators with psychic powers, as well as taken away its ability to fight back."

"Good." he said in a long and drawn out manner. "Make sure to set them on automatic before we go looking for that creature of the forest. We'll need every single man on the job to have a chance of finding it."

"Yes sir," grinned the foreman as he hit a small button on the carbon-colored keyboard that lay on top his desk.

The one in charge looked past the foreman at the gigantic conglomerate of computer screens on the wall opposite. Perhaps there were thousands of screens. He could not remember the exact amount. But he did know that over half of the screens formed a picture of a stunning white creature laying on its side in his test chamber, the rest of the monitors displaying its vitals and such.

Any second now, he thought.

He watched on with glee as a lightning bolt emanated from the test chamber's wall and struck the creature. The vital readings on the screens jumped. He heard it cry out in pain. He thought nothing of it. A small sacrifice to achieve his lifelong goal.

Not far away, a young boy awoke with a jolt, sweat running down his brow. He knew it was a dream, but the pain he had felt, it seemed so real.
 
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KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
--- Chapter One ---

The afternoon sunlight streamed through the small elliptical windows of Bugsy's room, spreading silently across the simple layout of his bedroom: A single collapsible mattress, well worn from years of use; a small wardrobe constructed with Ilexwood, his clothes lying in a jumbled pile of varying shades of green, yellow and white; a small-brushed broom and an extra-large net resting against the wall in the shadow of the wardrobe.

The purple-haired Bugsy breathed slowly, his hair softly covering his face. He could feel his body waking up. He did not want that.

"After all that work last night," he thought to himself, failing to coax his body back to sleep," I deserve a break. I only get one day a year to rest like this, my annual event."

Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was known regionally as the Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration, the annual celebration celebrating the foundation of the town of Azalea some 500 years ago when some travelers from Ecruteak camped in the shade of the trees of Ilex Forest and discovered the area's richness in wildflowers. As town gym leader, he was given duties by the town council of elders, a group of "stuck-up old men" in Bugsy's own words. And yesterday, like all the other celebrations that were dictated to him, he oversaw the construction of all the booths; watched them for the night as he was supposed to; presented a speech, written by the elders, to the small population of the town; presided over the events of the day and even battled a few rowdy trainers who were itching for a gym match even though the gym was closed for the day.

Using the little energy he could muster, he had turned the matches into a celebratory event, the trainers resting off to the side while his elite bug Pokemon team crushed foes of various colors in a battle of strength and reflexes. The elders forced him to stay after the celebration and help the clean-up crews after they saw him dozing off in the shade while the trainers cheered on their Pokemon. Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell that they thought of him as a kid, not the gym leader he was. He didn't want to remind them what it took to be a gym leader. It was pointless. They would probably forget it by morning. But for now he wasn't worried about anything except sleep. He wanted nothing but sleep.

"It beats cleaning the gym," he thought, relaxing, slowly drifting off to sleep.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

"No! Is it those old geezers?" He scrunched his eyes and tried to ignore the knocking.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

It was even louder this time.
"What could be so darn important!?" It felt like his head was the door.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

It sounded like a Machamp was trying to break down his door. He couldn't take it anymore. He stood up out of bed, stomped to the corner of his room and picked up the broom resting against the wall.

"I'll show them," he whispered.

On the other side of the door, the young Mitch, hearing Bugsy through the wooden door, started jogging down the hall. The pounding on the door had stopped but not the pounding in Bugsy's head. He slammed open the door, spying a small boy with white hair turning the corner as fast as he could. Bugsy immediately knew it was.

"MITCH!" He broke into a sprint after the annoying child. But, by the time Bugsy found Mitch, he was already descending a staircase down into the tree-lined gym. Bugsy grinned maliciously.

"Perfect."

Mitch sprinted across the ground.

"Caterpie, Weedle, String Shot!"

Small caterpillar-like creatures poked their heads out from the trees bordering the gym. In unison, they all arched their bodies and fired white string from their mouths, ensnaring Mitch's body. He fell, face-first, onto the dirt floor of the gym.

"Having fun Mitch?" He casually strolled up to the cocoon that was now Mitch.

"Oh, shut up Bugsy. You had an unfair advantage."

"Yet you still decided to try me."

"Just shut your trap and get me out of here."

Bugsy looked down at the silver-haired preteen.

"Oh, you're getting out of here. And I'm the one who's gonna carry you."

"Wait, wha-" his sentence was cut short by Bugsy as he lifted the white cocoon off the ground and walked towards the gym's front door. He kicked it open. "Bye-bye Mitch~" he said, throwing Mitch outside the gym.

"Darn you Bugsy," cried Mitch as he landed in the bush outside the gym.

The door slammed behind Bugsy. Bugsy knew exactly why Mitch had come to the gym besides having the urge to piss him off.

"Etch!" A tree rustled. "Mitch's outside!" A giant green bug creature jumped out of the tree. Two more poked their heads out of the same tree. Bugsy pointed his thumb over his shoulder at the now-closed at the door. The big bug turned and smiled at the two in the tree then spread his insect wings and flew to the door which Bugsy had already reopened.
He landed outside the door with a soft tap. Sighing, he walked over to the struggling mass of white laying on top the nearby bush. He stood and stared at it. He couldn't stifle it any longer. He chortled in his raspy Scyther voice as he stood the cocoon up and carefully bisected it. He sat down and continued snickering quietly.

"Hahaha, keep it up Etch. I'll just make sure you won't see your parents for a month or two."

Etch reluctantly became quiet and gave Mitch a tearful look.

"Oh, don't give me that, Etch. You know I wouldn't do that to you. Who do you think I am? Team Rocket?" He stood up the giant insect and put his arm around Etch's shoulders."Let's get going to Ilex cause I bet that all our friends are waiting for us by the tree." Etch looked up. "Let's go buddy".

Suddenly, Etch turned sharply to look at a clump of trees. He started to growl at them.

"Huh? What's wrong Etch?" asked Mitch as he turned to face the trees.

Seconds later, Etch turned his attention to the path. He spread his wings and gave Mitch a confident grin. He took off, leaving Mitch in a cloud of dust.

Cough, cough. "A race huh?" Cough. "Bring it Etch!" yelled Mitch as he broke out of the cloud in full-sprint in pursuit of the flying bug.

A man stood up from tree he was resting against. He turned to watch the boy and his bug race off towards the forest.

"To be a kid again," he sighed as he pulled his black fedora down over his eyes and walked off towards town, his black suede jacket bellowing in the wind revealing a dark suit underneath.

Bugsy watched through the window of his bedroom as Mitch and Etch disappeared into the forest.

"It's been three years hasn't it Eliza." He turned to face the female Scyther standing next to him. She nodded, knowing exactly what Bugsy was remembering.

"At least he knows about the birthmark that both you and Etch have." He angled his head and looked at the small hourglass shape on the back of her lime-green thorax. "He's destined for something special isn't he?"
 
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Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected
1,645
Posts
15
Years
Selamat Sejahtera, which is a formal greeting in malay, to you a fellow writer. I'm here to do a review of course. XD

Taking the plates away from that creature has prevented it from doing any damage to the generators with psychic powers, as well as taken away its ability to fight back."
Most people get confused with this because it's such an easy mistake to make so I don't blame you.

To explain,
Its: Is the possessive form of the third-person gender-neutral pronoun it. Unlike other possessive pronouns, its does not have an apostrophe to differentiate it from the contraction.

It's: Is a contraction of 'it is' and anything else that can combine by using an apostrophe.

So for example,

  • Its body grew larger with every passing second.
  • "It's(It is) a monster!"
  • "It's(It has) got a hand grenade!"
Note that contractions are seldom used in formal writing.

"Good," he said in a long and drawn out manner, "Make sure to set them on automatic before we go looking for that creature of the forest. We'll need every single man on the job to have a chance of finding it."
I don't usually word out phonetic pronunciation unless absolutely necessary so I don't know if there's a definite rule for this. You're welcome to use the possible correction, but you can also use your phonetic version if you want.

Apart from that, it's unusual for everyone to be taken of security on a project this large. At least one or two security members would stay behind in my opinion.

"Yes sir," grinned the foreman as he hit a small button on the carbon keyboard that lay on top his desk.
Do you know what carbon is? Keyboards are usually made of plastic which are polymers and are in fact long hydrocarbon chains as opposed to merely carbon which are usually for things which need to be tough. If the keyboard isn't usually exposed to high temperatures or something along those lines(and it's obviously not since the operator is not working in a hazardous environment) then there's really no need in expending carbon which is generally more expensive than polymer.

The afternoon sunlight streamed through the small elliptical windows of Bugsy's room, spreading silently across the simple layout of his bedroom: A single collapsible mattress, well worn from years of use; a small wardrobe constructed with Ilexwood, his clothes lying in a jumbled pile of varying shades of green, yellow and white; a small-brushed broom and an extra-large net resting against the wall in the shadow of the wardrobe.
Some people also get tripped up with lay and lie thing.

- Lays
Lays is more synonymous with the past-tense verb places. "He places/lays the bricks on the sidewalk in order to trip up pedestrians."
Ergo, laying is the present-tense form of the verb. "He is laying/placing down the bricks."

- Lies
Lies is the non-continuous form of the verb 'to lie(the action of lying down)' and is usually confused with lays because the past-tense of 'lie' is 'lay'.
Non-Continuous – "He lies on the bed every night in order to dream of electric sheep."
Past-tense – "He lay on the bed last night, but did not manage to dream of electric sheep."

Therefore, lying is the present-tense form of lies. "He is lying down." as opposed to "He is laying/placing down." which makes little to no sense at all.

"After all that work last night," he thought to himself, failing to coax his body back to sleep," I deserve a break. I only get one day a year to rest like this, my annual event."
The dialogue tag in the middle needs a comma since it's a dialogue tag interrupting a quote.

Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was known regionally as the Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration
Past-tense.

And yesterday, like all the other celebrations that were dictated to him.
You use were when there's a plural form of the noun before it. If say the sentence was, "And yesterday, like the other celebration that was dictated to him." then you could use was. 'Celebrations' is plural so you use 'were'.

He oversaw the construction of all the booths; watched them for the night as he was supposed to; presented a speech, written by the elders, to the small population of the town; presided over the events of the day and even battled a few rowdy trainers who were itching for a gym match even though the gym was closed for the day.
While you used it properly when you were describing his room, I'm surprised you didn't use it here… Use a semi-colon to break up clauses in a series when they contain internal punctuation. The underlined is the portion of the sentence where the series has an internal punctuation.

Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell that they thought of him as a kid, not the gym leader he was.
I don't understand that last part. If you're trying to say that they're referring to him as a 'kid' in the mental perspective and that he reaffirms there suspicion, but states that he's also the gym leader, then the sentence should be rephrased.

Maybe something like this?
Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell that(correction from above) they thought of him as a kid, and not as the gym leader he was.



KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
Again, it's your choice to write out sound effects and phonetic pronunciation ,but most professional works don't. Try the sentence, "He heard a knocking at the door." and modify it to suit your needs.

"No! Is it those old geezers?" He scrunched his eyes and tried to ignore the knocking.
What you wrote there is not a dialogue tag since it does not modify the quote so it stands on its own and is begun with a capital letter.


"What could be so damn important!?" A It felt like his head was the door.
Typo?

"Damn you Bugsy," cried Mitch as he landed in the bush outside the gym."
'Damn' isn't censored out and even if you were trying to bypass the word censor, it's against the rules.



Now that that's done with, I can't really say much about your general plot since the prologue and first chapter are only connected by a single event and I can't really see how they're connected as of yet. You have certain problems with tensing and commas and a few typos, but that's to be expected. If you need any help, and I notice that you're looking for a beta, feel free to contact me as I'm a beta reader. With that, I wish you the best of luck with your writing.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Selamat Sejahtera, which is a formal greeting in malay, to you a fellow writer. I'm here to do a review of course. XD

Well, thanks and I hope you enjoy reading my fic.
Most people get confused with this because it's such an easy mistake to make so I don't blame you.

To explain,
Its: Is the possessive form of the third-person gender-neutral pronoun it. Unlike other possessive pronouns, its does not have an apostrophe to differentiate it from the contraction.

It's: Is a contraction of 'it is' and anything else that can combine by using an apostrophe.

So for example,
  • Its body grew larger with every passing second.
  • "It's(It is) a monster!"
  • "It's(It has) got a hand grenade!"
Note that contractions are seldom used in formal writing.

Oops, must not have given that much thought when I wrote it. Thanks.

I don't usually word out phonetic pronunciation unless absolutely necessary so I don't know if there's a definite rule for this. You're welcome to use the possible correction, but you can also use your phonetic version if you want.

Apart from that, it's unusual for everyone to be taken of security on a project this large. At least one or two security members would stay behind in my opinion.
Yes it is a tad unusual innit? What they plan on doing is a big undertaking, a very difficult job with the members they actually have, not including scientists and other technical people that work for their team. The foreman is, of course, part of the former, not the latter as is assumed.

Do you know what carbon is? Keyboards are usually made of plastic which are polymers and are in fact long hydrocarbon chains as opposed to merely carbon which are usually for things which need to be tough. If the keyboard isn't usually exposed to high temperatures or something along those lines(and it's obviously not since the operator is not working in a hazardous environment) then there's really no need in expending carbon which is generally more expensive than polymer.
When I typed carbon, I was referencing the jet-black qualities I was thinking about when I typed the prologue. I was not talking about what material the keyboard is made out of.

Some people also get tripped up with lay and lie thing.
- Lays
Lays is more synonymous with the past-tense verb places. "He places/lays the bricks on the sidewalk in order to trip up pedestrians."
Ergo, laying is the present-tense form of the verb. "He is laying/placing down the bricks."

- Lies
Lies is the non-continuous form of the verb 'to lie(the action of lying down)' and is usually confused with lays because the past-tense of 'lie' is 'lay'.
Non-Continuous – "He lies on the bed every night in order to dream of electric sheep."
Past-tense – "He lay on the bed last night, but did not manage to dream of electric sheep."

Therefore, lying is the present-tense form of lies. "He is lying down." as opposed to "He is laying/placing down." which makes little to no sense at all.
You're right, I did get confused.

The dialogue tag in the middle needs a comma since it's a dialogue tag interrupting a quote.
Understood.

Past-tense.
Fixed, thanks.

You use were when there's a plural form of the noun before it. If say the sentence was, "And yesterday, like the other celebration that was dictated to him." then you could use was. 'Celebrations' is plural so you use 'were'. [/quote]
Okay.

While you used it properly when you were describing his room, I'm surprised you didn't use it here… Use a semi-colon to break up clauses in a series when they contain internal punctuation. The underlined is the portion of the sentence where the series has an internal punctuation.
...I have a deep and eternal hatred for semicolons as I barely was taught how to use them properly.

I don't understand that last part. If you're trying to say that they're referring to him as a 'kid' in the mental perspective and that he reaffirms there suspicion, but states that he's also the gym leader, then the sentence should be rephrased.
Maybe something like this?

Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell that(correction from above) they thought of him as a kid, and not as the gym leader he was.
Uh, let me work on that sentence. I guess it might not sound confusing to me because I know what I mean but others might not know what I mean.

Again, it's your choice to write out sound effects and phonetic pronunciation ,but most professional works don't. Try the sentence, "He heard a knocking at the door." and modify it to suit your needs.
I want to make it apparent that the noise is very loud and very annoying. Something along the lines of
"He heard a knocking at the door." (modified or not) just doesn't seem to fit.

What you wrote there is not a dialogue tag since it does not modify the quote so it stands on its own and is begun with a capital letter.
I sometimes have trouble with that. It's fixed now.


Editing error. I type it up in word first to fix any spelling mistakes and guess I forgot to erase the "A" when I replaced the sentence.

'Damn' isn't censored out and even if you were trying to bypass the word censor, it's against the rules.
I wasn't trying to bypass any filters and I'm sorry I used it. I thought "damn" sounded more effective than "darn"



Now that that's done with, I can't really say much about your general plot since the prologue and first chapter are only connected by a single event and I can't really see how they're connected as of yet. You have certain problems with tensing and commas and a few typos, but that's to be expected. If you need any help, and I notice that you're looking for a beta, feel free to contact me as I'm a beta reader. With that, I wish you the best of luck with your writing.
This was the mandatory introductory chapter although, looking back, I did not really describe the main character very much. I'll try to include more character descriptions in the next chapter.
 
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Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected
1,645
Posts
15
Years
When I typed carbon, I was referencing the jet-black qualities I was thinking about when I typed the prologue. I was not talking about what material the keyboard is made out of.
Scientifically speaking, Carbon doesn't have an actual definite color. Note diamonds and lead and what their colours are. Anyway, you should have said carbon-coloured if that were the case.

I need to go so make sure to look back later and read the rest of the responses.
In the future, it's wiser to save your response in a Word Doc and come back later rather than leaving half a response. Just a piece of friendly advice. :3
 

Giratina ♀

what's your sign?
1,439
Posts
16
Years
  • Age 27
  • Seen Jul 23, 2013
First off, the title. An instance, according to dictionary.com, is "a case or occurrence of anything". I think you meant "Instant Decision"? Instance Decision really makes no sense.

Also, I notice you have straight quotes. Are you writing this fanfic in a word processor or in the text box? If I recall correctly, most newer computers come with Microsoft Works programs, which operate a lot like Microsoft Word. Alternatively, there's also Open Office which you can apparently download off the Internet, though I don't use it and never plan to use it.

"How are the generators holding, foreman?"

Since Mr. Mystery over here is talking to the foreman and is addressing the foreman by name while speaking, this needs a comma.

"Good," he said in a long and drawn out manner.

Since you have the 'he said' tagged onto the end of his speech, and it's not the end of the sentence, it's a comma.

The one in charge looked past the foreman at the gigantic conglomerate of computer screens on the wall opposite.

Um... what?

I know you've been told to use big words, and I did get the idea from context clues (go Language Arts classes!), but not many people really know what this word means. Did you actually think of it in your head or was there some thesaurus use here? If it's the latter, be careful with that.

He heard it cry out in pain. He thought nothing of it.

Be careful not to use the same word to begin a lot of sentences; it makes you sound like you don't actually want to write the story and that you're just listing the facts, which you obviously aren't. For example, you could have said, "He heard the creature on the monitor cry out in pain, thinking nothing of it - after all, it was just a small sacrifice for the good of his lifelong goal" or somesuch.

Not far away, a young boy awoke with a jolt, sweat running down his brow. He knew it was a dream, but the pain he had felt, it seemed so real.

Okay, pretty overused ending here. It would have worked a lot better had you removed the second sentence and left it at "brow"; saying that sort of thing really lessens the shock value.

The afternoon sunlight streamed through the small elliptical windows of Bugsy's room,

OHOHO! Is the main character going to be Bugsy? This could be fun.

He could feel his body waking up. He did not want that.

Here would be a good place to explain another way to fix the repetitive sentences: in some situations - you just need to get a feel for them, I'm afraid - it would work better if you simply made the second "He..." sentence a new paragraph, like so:

The purple-haired Bugsy breathed slowly, his hair softly covering his face. He could feel his body waking up.

He did not want that.

With the way you write - which, not to blow my own horn or anything, reminds me a lot of my own way - it would work well, because you seem to add in more personal touches and flourishes than the average fanfiction writer anyway. Learning to use paragraphs effectively is a good way to get more smiles out of your readers, which personally I consider to be a very useful tactic when convincing people to read a fanfic. : D

to sleep," I deserve a break.

The quote is in the wrong place.

Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was known regionally as the Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration, the annual celebration celebrating the foundation of the town of Azalea some 500 years ago when some travelers from Ecruteak camped in the shade of the trees of Ilex Forest and discovered the area's richness in wildflowers. As town gym leader, he was given duties by the town council of elders, a group of "stuck-up old men" in Bugsy's own words. And yesterday, like all the other celebrations that were dictated to him, he oversaw the construction of all the booths; watched them for the night as he was supposed to; presented a speech, written by the elders, to the small population of the town; presided over the events of the day and even battled a few rowdy trainers who were itching for a gym match even though the gym was closed for the day. Using the little energy he could muster, he had turned the matches into a celebratory event, the trainers resting off to the side while his elite bug Pokemon team crushed foes of various colors in a battle of strength and reflexes. The elders forced him to stay after the celebration and help the clean-up crews after they saw him dozing off in the shade while the trainers cheered on their Pokemon. Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell thatthey thought of him as a kid, not the gym leader he was. He didn't want to remind them what it took to be a gym leader. It was pointless. They would probably forget it by morning. But for now he wasn't worried about anything except sleep. He wanted nothing but sleep.
"It beats cleaning the gym," he thought, relaxing, slowly drifting off to sleep.

TEXT WALL! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

...Seriously, though, you ought to break this up a little. Get a feel for the average paragraph size you write, and stick with it.

all the booths; watched

Now where could that semicolon's coloring have come from? |D

"No! Is it those old geezers?" ... "What could be so darn important!?" ... "I'll show them." ...and the whole chase scene.

This is... this is Azalea Town's Bugsy, right? I seem to recall Bugsy being a lot more polite in temperament - even when he was trying to sleep, he's just not the kind of boy who would call people geezers. If you're using canon characters, you must remember to keep them in character! Even if they're not that well developed, just take what you've got and build on it. It helps make your story more believable and lessens the chance of someone going, "What? That's not what [character] acts like! This person didn't do their research/doesn't care about the character/is an idiot!"

a tearful look.

Tearful, and many others that end with '-ful', is... a strange word. Try not to use it.

"Let's go buddy".

Period inside quotes.

"Cough, cough. ... Cough.

Please, please don't have the character say 'cough'! Just go back into narration for a second...

Mitch coughed a few times. "A race, huh?" ('Huh' is an extra comment, so it's separated by a comma.) He coughed again. "Bring it, Etch!" (Again, he's addressing Etch, so the name is separated.) yelled Mitch as he broke out of the cloud in full-sprint in pursuit of the flying bug.

"To be a kid again," he sighed as he pulled his black fedora down over his eyes

FEDORA MAN! =D

...Ahem, sorry about that. |D This fedora-clad guy wouldn't happen to be the guy talking to the foreman from the prologue, would he?

I enjoy the way you write. It's good, fast-paced, and in general an interesting ride. But there are a couple of minor things that take away from the overall interesting-ness of the story. One was Bugsy's OOC [out-of-character] moments, another was the comma problems, and a third I forgot to mention was the fact that Etch and Mitch sort of... appeared. Without any explanation. I mean, yes, we know Bugsy is friendly with them, but who are they and where did they come from? Take a paragraph to give a short explanation on just who a new character is before the chapter ends. These are all easily remedied, though.

Bottom line: Brush up on comma skills and make characters just a little easier to understand, and you're all set! ;D
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
First off, the title. An instance, according to dictionary.com, is "a case or occurrence of anything". I think you meant "Instant Decision"? Instance Decision really makes no sense.
Nope, I meant "Instance Decision". It makes no sense to everyone now but I hope it will, soon.

Also, I notice you have straight quotes. Are you writing this fanfic in a word processor or in the text box? If I recall correctly, most newer computers come with Microsoft Works programs, which operate a lot like Microsoft Word. Alternatively, there's also Open Office which you can apparently download off the Internet, though I don't use it and never plan to use it.
What's Microsoft Works? I've never even bothered with it. All quotes are usually unintentional unless I put them there on purpose.

"How are the generators holding, foreman?"
Since Mr. Mystery over here is talking to the foreman and is addressing the foreman by name while speaking, this needs a comma.
Okay

"Good," he said in a long and drawn out manner.
Since you have the 'he said' tagged onto the end of his speech, and it's not the end of the sentence, it's a comma.
I was kinda confused about that.

The one in charge looked past the foreman at the gigantic conglomerate of computer screens on the wall opposite.
Um... what?

I know you've been told to use big words, and I did get the idea from context clues (go Language Arts classes!), but not many people really know what this word means. Did you actually think of it in your head or was there some thesaurus use here? If it's the latter, be careful with that.
Nope, I don't bother with thesauruses. "Why bother?" I ask myself. Conglomerate was a word I used to replace the original wording in my rough draft while I was bored in Hoff's Hut.

Conglomerate is a word I've known for a while actually. What it means is a "collection" of the object. There is a rock called "Conglomerate" and what it actually is is rocks fused together to form another rock.

He heard it cry out in pain. He thought nothing of it.
Be careful not to use the same word to begin a lot of sentences; it makes you sound like you don't actually want to write the story and that you're just listing the facts, which you obviously aren't. For example, you could have said, "He heard the creature on the monitor cry out in pain, thinking nothing of it - after all, it was just a small sacrifice for the good of his lifelong goal" or somesuch.
Well, I see where you are coming from on this but I shall keep the two "He"s because I think it sounds better.

Not far away, a young boy awoke with a jolt, sweat running down his brow. He knew it was a dream, but the pain he had felt, it seemed so real.
Okay, pretty overused ending here. It would have worked a lot better had you removed the second sentence and left it at "brow"; saying that sort of thing really lessens the shock value.
That ending is overused? Really? Did not know that. Care to go into further detail?


The afternoon sunlight streamed through the small elliptical windows of Bugsy's room,
OHOHO! Is the main character going to be Bugsy? This could be fun.
Sorry to dissapoint but Bugsy is not the main character. He's just an important side character.

He could feel his body waking up. He did not want that.
Here would be a good place to explain another way to fix the repetitive sentences: in some situations - you just need to get a feel for them, I'm afraid - it would work better if you simply made the second "He..." sentence a new paragraph, like so:
The purple-haired Bugsy breathed slowly, his hair softly covering his face. He could feel his body waking up.

He did not want that.
With the way you write - which, not to blow my own horn or anything, reminds me a lot of my own way - it would work well, because you seem to add in more personal touches and flourishes than the average fanfiction writer anyway. Learning to use paragraphs effectively is a good way to get more smiles out of your readers, which personally I consider to be a very useful tactic when convincing people to read a fanfic. : D
I'll get to work on that. I'll double-check chapter 2 and make sure I used them correctly (when I write it fully, of course).

to sleep," I deserve a break.
The quote is in the wrong place.
I'll have to work on that too.

Yesterday was, and nearly always is, the most hectic day of the year in his small town of Azalea where he reigned as gym leader. Yesterday was known regionally as the Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration, the annual celebration celebrating the foundation of the town of Azalea some 500 years ago when some travelers from Ecruteak camped in the shade of the trees of Ilex Forest and discovered the area's richness in wildflowers. As town gym leader, he was given duties by the town council of elders, a group of "stuck-up old men" in Bugsy's own words. And yesterday, like all the other celebrations that were dictated to him, he oversaw the construction of all the booths; watched them for the night as he was supposed to; presented a speech, written by the elders, to the small population of the town; presided over the events of the day and even battled a few rowdy trainers who were itching for a gym match even though the gym was closed for the day. Using the little energy he could muster, he had turned the matches into a celebratory event, the trainers resting off to the side while his elite bug Pokemon team crushed foes of various colors in a battle of strength and reflexes. The elders forced him to stay after the celebration and help the clean-up crews after they saw him dozing off in the shade while the trainers cheered on their Pokemon. Bugsy had a theory that the town elders were just pushing their work on him and could tell thatthey thought of him as a kid, not the gym leader he was. He didn't want to remind them what it took to be a gym leader. It was pointless. They would probably forget it by morning. But for now he wasn't worried about anything except sleep. He wanted nothing but sleep.
"It beats cleaning the gym," he thought, relaxing, slowly drifting off to sleep.
TEXT WALL! EVERYONE RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!!

...Seriously, though, you ought to break this up a little. Get a feel for the average paragraph size you write, and stick with it.
It just sorta....happened. I call it "super-paragraph". And I'll double-check next time to make sure no "Super-Paragraphs" developed.

all the booths; watched
Now where could that semicolon's coloring have come from? |D
I really don't know XD.

"No! Is it those old geezers?" ... "What could be so darn important!?" ... "I'll show them." ...and the whole chase scene.
This is... this is Azalea Town's Bugsy, right? I seem to recall Bugsy being a lot more polite in temperament - even when he was trying to sleep, he's just not the kind of boy who would call people geezers. If you're using canon characters, you must remember to keep them in character! Even if they're not that well developed, just take what you've got and build on it. It helps make your story more believable and lessens the chance of someone going, "What? That's not what [character] acts like! This person didn't do their research/doesn't care about the character/is an idiot!"
Did the games ever feature you waking Bugsy up or assigning him work that forces him to stay up for almost two days? He may be nice and polite about battling a trainer but he's bound to have SOME issues. Like sleep. He wanted sleep but got a headache instead. Wouldn't anyone be a tad mad? I tried to add flesh to the hallowed shell that is Bugsy from the games. He's still a master bug guy, just a little older than in the games
(about three years older, infact).

a tearful look.
Tearful, and many others that end with '-ful', is... a strange word. Try not to use it.
"with tears welling up in his eyes"?

It's fixed.

"Let's go buddy".
Period inside quotes.
Got it.

Cough, cough. ... Cough.
Please, please don't have the character say 'cough'! Just go back into narration for a second...
Mitch coughed a few times. "A race, huh?" ('Huh' is an extra comment, so it's separated by a comma.) He coughed again. "Bring it, Etch!" (Again, he's addressing Etch, so the name is separated.) yelled Mitch as he broke out of the cloud in full-sprint in pursuit of the flying bug.
Sounding it out in my head, it didn't sound like there was a comma there. Maybe I'm saying it wrong?

"To be a kid again," he sighed as he pulled his black fedora down over his eyes
FEDORA MAN! =D

...Ahem, sorry about that. |D This fedora-clad guy wouldn't happen to be the guy talking to the foreman from the prologue, would he?[/quote]

Nope. Infact he's not part of their team.

I enjoy the way you write. It's good, fast-paced, and in general an interesting ride. But there are a couple of minor things that take away from the overall interesting-ness of the story. One was Bugsy's OOC [out-of-character] moments, another was the comma problems, and a third I forgot to mention was the fact that Etch and Mitch sort of... appeared. Without any explanation. I mean, yes, we know Bugsy is friendly with them, but who are they and where did they come from? Take a paragraph to give a short explanation on just who a new character is before the chapter ends. These are all easily remedied, though.

Bottom line: Brush up on comma skills and make characters just a little easier to understand, and you're all set! ;D
I still don't classify it as an OOC. I did actually take into account Bugsy's polite personality towards the trainer from the games. But, I also took into consideration what any (well, maybe most) teenagers would say if they were assigned work by lazy old guys they really didn't know so well(and how they would act after staying up for a day and a half). And I also thought about how nearly everyone gets mad and thought the whole "Mad-Bugsy-chasing-Mitch-and-throwing-him-into-a-bush" would double as fleshing out the character and attempt to get a laugh out of the reader.

As for Mitch and Etch, their origins will be explained soon. Yes I need to work on commas. Real big issue as well as semi-colons.


(Sorry for the late reply. Had to think about my responses while working on projects and such. Spring break now so "Wewt"!)
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Chapter Two will be up tomorrow morning. This is just a reminder to those who are interested in the story.
 
10,175
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What's Microsoft Works?
A word processor, spreadsheet, calendar, and database all rolled into one. But I guess you're using Word, so you're fine. Don't know what the quotation marks mean.

That ending is overused? Really? Did not know that. Care to go into further detail?
It's just seen a lot in fanfiction, especially by those who have been reading it for a long while. It's not a bad thing to use, just that others have done it, so it just seems like your fic is like the others that used it. But you've continued on and shown that your fic is different from the main type of Pokemon fanfics that used it, so you're doing good there.

I would help you on commas, but I'm not too great on them myself. Feel free to continue asking questions, though, and we'll help where we can.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Don't know what the quotation marks mean.

Don't know what quotation marks you're talking about, Astinus.


Here's chapter 2.



--- Chapter Two ---

Mitch and Etch slowly waved goodbye to the young residents of Ilex Forest, their friends, a group of Bug-type and Grass-type Pokemon having long since overcome their fear of humans when Bugsy first became gym leader. Having never actually asked Bugsy about this, Mitch only assumed it to be true, not willing to find out if it was in fact some stranger that helped the bugs conquer their fears. He did know, however, that the group of Oddish, a small, blue plant creature with a leafy sprout jutting out of the top of its head, did look much better than they did two days before, the rain from the night before seeming to have provided them with much needed moisture in the dry forest that was Ilex.

Night had almost completely taken over the town as the duo slowly creaked open the door of Mitch's house. His parents weren't home. Again.

"Oh well," he whispered to himself, grabbing a plate of food from the fridge and sitting down at the table. Ever since moving to Azalea town from Heartholme City almost two years ago, they never spent much time together; his father having gotten a job in the nearby city of Goldenrod while his mother worked late at the local Pokemon Center. Their Pokemon matched their jobs by some strange stroke of luck, his mother having caught a wild Happiny outside of their house before and his father having had a wild Machoke for almost three years now. But, for as long as he could remember, the very same Machoke seemed to glare at him whenever he was near. It was as if the creature, a male if he could remember right, somehow tied Mitch to some horrible event in its life.

He glanced over at the giant insect leaning against the kitchen walls, inspecting his soon-to-be, week-old wings. The fact that he lost a race to his bug stuck in his mind. How could he lose a race to a bug that barely had his wings for a few days? It was absurd. He turned his attention back to the food on his plate: cold Volcano burgers, a regional specialty. He sighed, bored by the food and turned, once again, to the bug leaning against the wall. He had spread out his insectine wings and was slowly moving them as if he had forgotten how badly he had beaten Mitch using those same wings. Being a fairly immature Scyther, he was probably as surprised as Mitch to have grown his wings so early.

Taking his mind off the race and standing up from his cold dinner, he caught Etch's attention and put his hand on a small spherical object on his belt.

"Time to return, Etch. We don't want mom freaking out like she did when you were younger now do we?"

Mitch vividly recalled a time soon after Etch had hatched from the egg Bugsy had given Mitch about a year before. Mitch and the little brown bug that was then Etch, were sleeping in Mitch's bed when Mitch found himself being prodded by something. That something turned out to be the handle of a broomstick his mother was holding. When she realized he was awake, she quietly pointed a shaking finger at the brown creature in his arms and asked "What is that...thing?". She had almost chased them out of the house and probably would have if Mitch didn't end up catching Etch with the Pokeball Bugsy gave him along with the egg.

The giant bug slowly nodded, his eyes shut.

Hitting the button in the center of the ball, the ball quickly expanded to the size of a baseball. He pointed the ball at the bug and shouted "Return!" as a beam of crimson light shot out of the Pokeball, bathing Etch in red light. Etch slowly dissolved into the red light and, once the only sign that the green bug had existed, the shape of light that enveloped him, disappeared, the beam retracted into the ball with a satisfying click.

Sighing, Mitch placed the ball on his magnetic belt and cleaned up the plate from the table.

"Time for bed," he said silently, looking around the house for something to do to prevent himself from going to sleep.

"I think I'll tell Bugster about those weird dreams I've been having tomorrow," he said with a small pause, hoping that Bugsy wasn't still mad at him for waking him up so rudely earlier.


-------------------------

The leader slammed his fist onto his desk, unable to control his rage any longer. That days search had been a complete fiasco. His team could not find a single trace that the creature even lived in that forest. There was nothing! All those expensive scanners for no use other than to prove the creature was not there in the first place.

He rubbed his eyes and glanced down at the black desk he sat at, his face slightly glowing with the lights of twenty-four red lights. But those twenty-four lights were not the ones that caught his attention; it was the six bulbs that had remained black for months now. He could barely restrain his rage.

Hitting a button on the desk and clearing his throat, he spoke.

"All combat-ready personnel are to immediately depart for the Hoenn region and commence "Project TMC Mark II". Repeat, all able units are to leave for Hoenn to initiate Project TMC Mark II."

He took away his finger from the button that activated the microphone unit within his desk and grabbed a black remote from the black wire basket while quickly swinging his soft leather chair 180 degrees to face a screen built into the entirety of the of wall his office. Pressing a button, the screen slowly lit up, resolving into a gray room built of the finest steel his group could ever had found. But that was not what his attention was directed at; it was the large creature relaxing in the center of the room, a white creature surrounded by a golden ring embossed with four small green gems. He scowled, having thought that of all the things to have also gone wrong today, he could not take his rage out on the creature.

He turned back to the desk and turned on the microphone.

"Foreman! Report to my office immediately!"

Contemplating the punishment that Foreman would receive, he was quite shocked to hear a pounding on his door almost as soon as he turned off the microphone. He was almost equally shocked to see Foreman open the door and enter his office, papers in hand as he jogged over to the desk.

"Sir, there was minor damage done to the generators while we were away finding the creature. Our repair crews are already in repair and here is the damage report, sir!"

He took the papers and carefully examined the actual damage report.
Deep gashes in metal? Cracked steel?

"What happened Foreman?"

"As I said, sir, someone attacked the generators while we were away. There is evidence to conclude that there was a Scyther in the attacker's party as well as a fire-type and an ice-type or a water-type who knows ice-type moves, sir!"

"What happened to our base defenses? Those guns should have had enough power to stun a Steelix."

"The defenses are intact, sir! Whoever did this got away with no scratches as the computer does not have any recordings of the guns firing."

"Who are we dealing with?"

"We do not know, sir."

A radio cackled to life on Foreman's belt.

"Foreman, sir, this is Roberto from Damage Control. The generators are fixed, sir."

The radio cackled out of life.

The one in charge turned to the still-lit screen behind his desk. He was pleased to see the thunderbolts hitting the white creature yet again.

"You're safe Foreman. Make sure you head out with the other teams when you're done with base surveillance."

"Yes sir," saluted Foreman as he turned around and quietly shut the door behind him.

"Arceus," said the man as he turned to the monitor, pleased at the sight of bolts of electricity striking the creature," you will give me your power."

-------------------------

Mitch jolted awake.

Again?

But it was different this time, he thought, contemplating the dream he had just had. He could not remember anything distinct about it. Nothing really happened except a vague feeling of calm and a jolt of pain like electricity, as if he was just shocked laying in bed by some rogue electric-type Pokemon.

He shook his head, slowly getting out of bed and walking to the moonlit window. Out of the corner of his eye, he could just make out a red three on his alarm clock.

"Three A.M.," he groaned, wishing he could stop having these weird dreams. Swallowing his misery, he looked out at the moonlit forest that was next to his house. It was so serene, so not annoying as these dreams. He could not make out much, the normal light shade of green replaced with a black that swallowed all worries and shrouded them from view. But he could make out something strange, something different than the other nights he was awoken by a dream. There was a person standing by the tree line, staring at the moon that was slightly shrouded by the canopies of the trees.

"He must be a stranger to the town," he thought quietly, recalling all the times he was told not to go out after dark. But, as he watched the man, he seemed to disappear, becoming one with the forest as he was enveloped by its branches.

"Where is he going?"

This was too suspicious. He just happened to wake up and see a man dissapear into the forest. Was this man tied with his weird dreams? Was he the voice he heard in some of them? Why was he going into the forest at night, being secretive and going out in the dead of night as to avoid detection by the town? No one stayed out past nightfall in Azalea and went through the tree brush surrounded by darkness.

Before his mind could catch up to his body, Mitch found himself with his outdoor shoes on, walking towards the forest, Etch's Pokeball in hand as he marched out the front door and towards the forest, still in his bed clothes. After entering the forest, Mitch could not tell where he was going. But he felt that the direction he was walking was the right direction he wanted; his eyes blind to everything around him as he wandered through the darkness in a seemingly pointless effort to catch up the shadowy figure of the man he had saw enter the forest. He heard nothing except for the snaps of twigs under his feet and the occasional Hoothoot. This was the exact reason people didn't did not go out after dark in Azalea, it was too darn scary. People could easily get lost in the forest now. But he could not tell his legs to stop and his body to turn around; his body refused to respond to any command other than move forward.

Soon, however, he came to a clearing in the forest, an area he recognized as the area where he and Etch had played with his wild Pokemon friends just that afternoon; an area he could recognize with his eyes closed. But that caused him to ask himself a question: Just how far in was the man going? Was he even on the man's trail anymore? He knew there was not much of relevance to a normal traveler in this forest, all of its residents not worth much to the travelers who passed through. Most travelers didn't even bother to look through the forest and enjoy its beauty in the daylight. But there was one thing that seemed to warrant visits from visitors, it was as important to Azaleans as the yearly Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration. That was the Shrine of the Protector, said to be home to the guardian of the forest, a creature unnamed by the people of Azalea.

Could that man want to desecrate it in the darkness, away from prying eyes? The thought made Mitch's blood boil, having spent hours cleaning the day before as part of his duty as a child in the small town. But he knew where he was now and since he could assume where that man had gone, he knew which direction to move in as well.

As he broke into a sprint, he hoped his mother wasn't home yet.

-------------------------

"Sir, we've found something unusual outside the compound," said Foreman through the radio he had brought to his mouth.
There was a pause on the other end. Was exhaustion finally taking effect on their leader?

"What is it Foreman?" Indeed, the voice seemed tired.

"Sir, we've just found something very strange."

"Well, what is it!?"Foreman could feel the leader's impatience through the radio.

"It's...the Silver and Rainbow Wings, sir."

Another pause.

"That's absurd! I have the wings in a glass case in my office!"

"And they were there earlier when I reported the damage to you, sir. It seems that whoever caused the generators damage has also been in contact with Ho-oh and Lugia."

An alarm went off on Foreman's hip.

"What is that Foreman?"There was worry in his voice now.

"Sir, it's one of the scanners we used while exploring the forest today."

"But that means..."

"We must have missed it, sir. But now it's here," a slight tone of excitement in his voice. "And nearby, "he added quickly.

-------------------------

It was just as he'd thought. The man WAS at the shrine. But what he was doing wasn't defiling it. But he did do something. Something that was causing one of the strangest sights Mitch had ever seen.

The shrine was aglow with pulses of green light.

"Just what is he doing?"He thought.

Whatever he was doing wasn't normal. He felt compelled to rush in and knock the man away from the shrine but caught himself before he did something reckless again. He then realized that the pulsing glow from the shrine was reaching the ground and trees near himself. Subconsciously knowing that whatever that man had started was going to be big, he stepped out from behind the not-safety of the tree he was watching from and walked towards the man. But, he realized as he grew closer and closer to the man, a pain started to develop in his stomach.

He ignored it, keeping his pace as he walked towards the man. But, the closer he got to the man, the father the forest seemed to be. The pain increased. He kept walking.

When the pain got to the point where he could no longer ignore it, he found himself directly behind the man. He reached out his hand, determined to get a hand on the man who had started these unnatural disturbances. Just as he had put a hand on the man's shoulder, the man seemed to disappear before his eyes, fading away in a flash of green. Before he could discern what had happened to the man, he felt the pain in his stomach reach an unbearable level. His stomach felt like it was being shredded.

Everything turned black as he fell towards the ground.

-------------------------

The pain was gone. There was dirt in his mouth. He looked up from the ground, noticing the distinct smell of something unpleasant. There was the shrine in all its normalcy, casting a shadow on him. There was something lying in front of it, just out of reach from his arm. Two somethings, infact. A black fedora and a gold and white ball lay on the ground, right in front of the shrine. He passed out again, the shade of the shrine casting an awkward shadow on his unconscious body.


[S-HIGHLIGHT]Author's Note


Special thanks to "Life is a Highway" by Rascall Flats for the motivation to fix up some parts of the story.[/S-HIGHLIGHT]
 
Last edited:

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected
1,645
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15
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Since you asked for me to beta your fic, I did. Then you said that I didn't need to as you had found another beta, but I had already done a bit so I decided to check the rest of it anyway.

Mitch and Etch slowly waved goodbye to the young residents of Ilex Forest, their friends, a group of Bug-type and Grass-type Pokemon having long since overcome their fear of humans when Bugsy first became gym leader. Having never actually asked Bugsy about this, Mitch only assumed it to be true, not willing to find out if it was in fact some stranger that helped the bugs conquer their fears. He did know, (The comma can be removed and the however can be joined with the introductory clause.) however, that the group of Oddish -- a(Remove the 'a' since a 'group of Oddish' is a plural.) small, blue plant creaturessprouts jutting out of the top of their heads – (use dashes to set off an explanatory statement where applicable.) did look much better than they did two days before; (Comma splice. Be sure to join two independent sentences with a semi colon. Otherwise, alter the second sentence so that the tensing can stand on its own. While it's an independent sentence, the tenses have been changed to adapt to the semi-colon connection.) the rain from the night before seeming to have provided them with much needed moisture in the dry forest that was Ilex.
with leafy

Night had almost completely taken over the town as the duo slowly creaked open the door of Mitch's house. His parents weren't home. Again.

"Oh well," he whispered to himself
; grabbing a plate of food from the fridge and sitting down at the table. Ever since moving to Azalea town from Heartholme City almost two years ago, they never spent much time together; his father having gotten a job in the nearby city of Goldenrod while his mother worked late at the local Pokemon Center. Their Pokemon matched their jobs by some strange stroke of luck, his mother having caught a wild Happiny outside of their house before and his father having had a wild Machoke for almost three years now. But, for as long as he could remember, the very same Machoke seemed to glare at him whenever he was near. It was as if the creature, a male if he could remember right, somehow tied Mitch to some horrible event in its life.

He glanced over at the giant insect leaning against the kitchen walls, inspecting his
soon-to-be, week-old (use hyphens to connect one-thought adjectives and use commas to separate adjectives in a series that modify a subject.) wings. The fact that he lost a race to his bug stuck in his mind. How could he lose a race to a bug that barely had his wings for a few days? It was absurd. He turned his attention back to the food on his plate: cold (Unless 'cold' is a name, then it should be in lower-case as all adjectives are in the middle of sentences.) Volcano burgers, a regional specialty. He sighed, bored by the food, and turned, once again, to the bug leaning against the wall. He had spread out his insectine wings and was slowly moving them as if he had forgotten how badly he had beaten Mitch using those same wings. Being a fairly immature Scyther, he was probably as surprised as Mitch to have grown his wings so early.

Taking his mind off the race and standing up from his cold dinner, he caught Etch's attention and put his hand on a small spherical object on his belt.


"Time to return, Etch. We don't want mom freaking out like she did when you were younger now do we?"


Mitch vividly recalled a time soon after Etch had hatched from the egg Bugsy had given Mitch about a year before. Mitch and the little brown bug that was then Etch
, were sleeping in Mitch's bed when Mitch found himself being prodded by something. That something turned out to be the handle of a broomstick his mother was holding. When she realized he was awake, she quietly pointed a shaking finger at the brown creature in his arms and asked, (comma to set-off a dialogue tag.) "What is that...thing? (Using both a question mark and an exclamatory mark is unprofessional. Use a question mark and modify the dialogue tag to make it seem like the speaker is astonished.)". She had almost chased them out of the house and probably would have if Mitch didn't end up catching Etch with the Pokeball Bugsy gave him along with the egg.

The giant bug slowly nodded, his eyes shut.


Hitting the button in the center of the ball, the ball quickly expanded to the size of a baseball. He pointed the ball at the bug and shouted "Return!" as a beam of crimson light shot out of the Pokeball, bathing Etch in red light. Etch slowly dissolved into the red light and, once the only sign that the green bug had existed, the shape of light that enveloped him, disappeared, the beam retracted into the ball with a satisfying click.


Sighing, Mitch placed the ball on his magnetic belt and cleaned up the plate from the table.


"Time for bed," he said silently, looking around the house for something to do to prevent himself from going to sleep.


"I think I'll tell Bugster about those
weird dreams I've been having tomorrow," he said with a small pause, hoping that Bugsy wasn't still mad at him for waking him up so rudely earlier.
While I appreciate how you handled the atmosphere of the first part, I, as a grammar-nazi, was kind of distracted by the mistakes, but I assume that everyone else might have read it as okay. I suppose.

"All combat-ready personnel are to immediately depart for the Hoenn region and commence "Project TCM Mark II". Repeat, all able units are to leave for Hoenn to initiate Project
TCM (Unless TMC is something else I'm unaware off…) Mark II."

"You're safe Foreman. Make sure you head out with the other teams when you're done with base surveillance."
"Arceus," said the man as he turned to the monitor, pleased at the sight of bolts of electricity striking the creature," you will give me your power."
A small space there.

This was too suspicious. Mitch felt he had to do something. Was this man tied with his weird dreams? Was he the voice he heard in some of them? Why was he going into the forest at night, being secretive and going out in the dead of night as to avoid detection by the town? No one stayed out past nightfall in Azalea.
No, I don't really think it's that suspicious. Unless Mitch is being paranoid, I doubt anyone would really care. It's perfectly normal for drifters to stay up late in a town where they don't necessarily have a know-how of the etiquette. Also, how did Mitch come to the conclusion that the man was tied to his dreams? :/

Maybe you could just say that the man was acting suspiciously (i.e looking around to make sure he wasn't followed ect…) instead of antagonizing him this quickly… Also, psychic influence.

Before his mind could catch up to his body, Mitch found himself with his outdoor shoes on, walking towards the forest,
with Etch's Pokeball in hand as he marched out the front door and towards the forest, still in his bed clothes. After entering the forest, Mitch could not tell where he was going. But he felt that the direction he was walking was the right direction he wanted; (comma-splice) his eyes blind to everything around him as he wandered through the darkness in a seemingly pointless effort to catch up the shadowy figure of the man he had saw enter the forest. He heard (Too wordy of a sentence. Split it up so it's easier to read.) nothing except for the snaps of twigs under his feet and the occasional Hoothoot. This was the exact reason people didn't did not go out after dark in Azalea, it was too darn scary. People could easily get lost in the forest now. But he could not tell his legs to stop and his body to turn around; (comma-splice) his body refusing to respond to any command other than move forward.

Soon however, he came to a clearing in the forest, an area he recognized as the area where he and Etch had played with his wild Pokemon friends just that afternoon; an area he could recognize with his eyes closed. But that caused him to ask himself a question: Just how far in was the man going? Was he even on the man's trail anymore? He knew there was not much of relevance to a normal traveler in this forest, all of its residents not worth much to the travelers who passed through. Most travelers didn't even bother to look through the forest and enjoy its beauty in the daylight. But there was one thing that seemed to warrant visits from visitors
; It was as important to Azaleans as the yearly Azalea Town Foundation Commemoration. That was the Shrine of the Protector, said to be home to the guardian of the forest, a creature unnamed by the people of Azalea.
On the subject of your plot, I'm happy to say that at least you're being original in the direction you're taking the story. I suggest you try to fix up your sentence construction as you have a problem with using commas properly. What you can do to test for comma-splices is to replace the comma with a period and check to see if the two new sentences make up independent sentences. Other than that, good luck.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
I thought I said that I reviewed it and rewrote some aspects of it.:\

Thanks for beta-reading it anyways. I kinda felt rushed because my story was on the second page (oh noes!) so I fixed it up the best I could and put it up this morning. Maybe if I get the 3rd chapter rough done before Thursday next week then I could let you do a proper beta instead of the rush I must have made you do.

No, I don't really think it's that suspicious. Unless Mitch is being paranoid, I doubt anyone would really care. It's perfectly normal for drifters to stay up late in a town where they don't necessarily have a know-how of the etiquette. Also, how did Mitch come to the conclusion that the man was tied to his dreams? :/
Maybe you could just say that the man was acting suspiciously (i.e looking around to make sure he wasn't followed ect…) instead of antagonizing him this quickly… Also, psychic influence.
I hope that it is better now.



On the subject of your plot, I'm happy to say that at least you're being original in the direction you're taking the story. I suggest you try to fix up your sentence construction as you have a problem with using commas properly. What you can do to test for comma-splices is to replace the comma with a period and check to see if the two new sentences make up independent sentences. Other than that, good luck.
Yay! Original plot! I hope it stays that way as time goes on. :x
 

Miz en Scène

Everybody's connected
1,645
Posts
15
Years
I thought I said that I reviewed it and rewrote some aspects of it.:\
Yeah, I rechecked it and decided to do it as a review instead of a beta.

Thanks for beta-reading it anyways. I kinda felt rushed because my story was on the second page (oh noes!) so I fixed it up the best I could and put it up this morning.
You shouldn't rush a story just because of that. Take your time and make sure you get quality work. Just a friendly piece of advice.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Yeah, I rechecked it and decided to do it as a review instead of a beta.

You shouldn't rush a story just because of that. Take your time and make sure you get quality work. Just a friendly piece of advice.

I didn't actually rush the story. I just rushed the beta process and did a self beta, reviewing what I wrote and rewriting some parts of it. No big rush, just wanted to get my thread off the second page (I hate when that happens).
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Enjoy!

--- Chapter Three ---

"Ugh. What hit me?" thought Mitch as he slowly realized he was lying on the ground.

There was a subtle prodding at his leg as he grew aware of the dirt in his mouth.

"Why am I on the ground?"

"Hey kid, you alright?" said an unknown voice from above.

"Who was that voice?"

The prodding continued as he slowly recalled the events of the previous night. The man in black disappearing into the forest, the pulsing green light, and the disappearance of the man into seemingly thin air; all these came rushing back into his head as he slowly stirred from the forest floor. He opened his eyes a crack and slowly stood up, his legs like those of a hatchling Stantler. His goal was within sight: the shrine of the guardian. He stepped forward to the obvious protest of the boy sitting beside where he had once lay.

What was that stench he smelled?

"Hey kid..."

It was no use. The boy was oblivious to all the forest around him as he stumbled slowly to the small entrance to the shrine where an offering plate lay.

The shrine was all he could see.

What was this light-headedness he felt?

The offering plate of the shrine grew closer and the shrine went black.

------------

He slowly awoke, half-sensing his surroundings with closed eyes. The smell from before was gone, replaced by the smell of sterility; the hardness of the ground replaced with a softness similar to his bed. But it wasn't; one side of the "bed" was raised like the headboard of his bed but it wasn't wooden like his. It was covered in the exact material as the "bed" he was laying on.

He opened eyes to a blinding yellowish-white light, but, as he turned away, his eyes adjusted and his surroundings resolved into an unfamiliar room with yellow tile on the floor and a red and white counter behind which a pink-haired lady sat, facing away from him, hunched over something.

He sat up, noticing the difference in the clothes he wore. They weren't the pajamas he wore into the forest. What he now wore was a black pair of baggy cargo pants with a loose-fitting, white t-shirt. He felt inside the pockets looking for something which he knew he brought with him to the forest.

Etch's ball. Where was it?

He looked hurriedly to his left: the girl was still hunched over behind the counter apparently typing on a keyboard behind the desk; there were white stairs that led up to another floor, half-lit by the fluorescent lights which casted an awkward shadow on them. No sign of the familiar red and white shape that was Etch's Pokeball.

Frantic, he turned to his right and was relieve by the sight of a red and white ball resting on a table at the end of the red couch he realized he was laying on. He walked over immediately, grabbed the ball and placed it in the main left pocket of the shorts.

Sighing with relief, he turned back towards the lady and walked to the counter, a question bubbling up in the back of his mind. She was still typing away, he hands almost a blur to Mitch's eye as he stood and stared.

"Err...Excuse me, miss," he said quietly, pausing to wait for a response. Her typing stopped. Her long pink hair rustled as she glanced away from the computer screen towards the voice.

"Yes?" She sounded puzzled. "Oh! You're awake!" She smiled, her smooth skin shining in the fluorescent light. The nametag on her uniform read "Nurse Melinda Joy".

"Erm..." He read the nametag and continued speaking. "Miss Joy, can you tell me where I am and how I ended up here? The last thing I remember is hitting my head on that wooden plate." He rubbed his forehead at the thought.

"Oh? Well, you're in Azalea Town's very own Po-ke-mon Center!" There was a beep from the computer.

"Oops, gimme a sec." She turned back to the monitor and with a flurry of fingers, turned back to Mitch.
"Sorry about that, What was the question again?" She placed her thumb under her chin and wrapped his index finger around her chin in a thinking pose. "Ah yes, that boy who brought you in. Said he found you in Ilex. Said you hit your head too. Glad to see you're alright."

"Umm...thanks...I guess. Can you describe him for me? I have to thank him for sparing me my mother's wrath. She probably would've killed me if she found me walking in the front door with stinky, dirt-covered pjs."

"Well." She assumed the same pose again. "He was wearing a black hat, backwards if I remember correctly. Not sure about the rest though. I was kinda distracted at the time." She chuckled nervously.

Another beep emitted from the computer. She turned back to it and launched another flurry of fingers, mumbling something about "boys" and "texting".

They both jumped when they heard another noise from next to the computer: a loud "Ding" from the speakers on the desk.

Regaining her composure, she reached her hand inside a machine Mitch had not noticed before: a small, pillar-like machine with an elliptical opening large enough for Joy's hand. She pulled something out and placed it on the counter. As she lifted her hand, Mitch realized that it was another Pokeball.

"This is yours. The boy said you dropped it in the forest and asked me to have it healed while you were resting. I was surprised. The preliminary scans said the ball suffered a little damage from a strange magnetic field and it injured the Scyther while it was inside."
"Wait, you mean...that ball is my Scyther? Then whose ball is this?" He reached into his left pocket, grabbed the ball within and placed it on the counter.

"Let me do a quick trainer scan. See if the trainer is listed within the ball's hard drive."

Swiping the ball off the counter, she placed the ball into the tube and hit a button on the keyboard. The screen turned black for a second and then blue, white numbers resolving on the blue background.

"Let's see." She scanned the numbers on the screen. "Ah, here it is. ID No. 683739, Trainer Kin. Strange. Whatever's inside the ball isn't in the scanner's database. I'll have to call Professor Elm about this." She turned back to Mitch and placed the ball next the other Pokeball on the counter. "If you don't mind, could you take this to Mr. Kin? He should be the boy who brought you in today."

"Umm..."

Without another word, she turned back to the computer and placed a pair of miked headphones over her ears.

He sighed, placed the balls in separate pockets and walked out the electronic sliding glass door that separated the lobby from the rest of the world.

Ah the air. Always fresh here in Azalea. Not like back in Heartholme in Sinnoh. He was somewhat glad he had to find this traveler. Finding someone in a small town like Azalea was a lot easier than finding someone in a large city like Heartholme.

He glanced around, looking for someone that looked like they didn't belong. His eyes rested upon a strange person wearing all black clothing with a black hat. He walked towards the man, realizing that there was something pinned on the hat, something that resonated with a memory of what Bugsy had said before:

"The straight-lined red 'R': the symbol of Team Rocket, a group of wrongdoers that seek to steal all the pokemon they can from unsuspecting trainers. Stay away if you ever see one, Mitch," Busgy had said.

Without time to react, the man noticed Mitch and glared angrily at him. Mitch broke into a sprint the opposite direction, reaching the sanctity of the shade of a tree in record time.

"What is Team Rocket doing here?" Mitch thought. "Bugsy said, besides how to identify a member, that the team was defeated and arrested three years ago. But there's one here in Azalea now. Just what is going on?"

Without warning, a hand shot from around the tree and held him against the tree.

"Whacha run for boyo? You afraid of us big guys with the shiny 'R' on our hats and jackets?"

Mitch struggled against the power of the hand holding him to the tree, unable to break free.

"Don't worry so much kid," the man said nonchalantly," I'm only gonna pound a 'pology outta ya."

"How am I gonna get out of this?" Mitch thought, slowly choking from the increasing pressure from the hand holding him by the neck.

A branch cracked from behind the man. He looked away for just long enough.

"What was that?"

"Now's my chance!" Mitch thought as he reached into his left pocket and dropped a Pokeball on the ground. The ball smacked the ground and opened with a burst of red light. The man looked at the shape resolving out of the red light.

The shape wasn't big enough to be Etch!

------------

"Cyndaquil, you say Professor Elm?"

"Yes, its called Cyndaquil, a rare pokemon I recently discovered along with two others I found while taking a hiking trip up Mount Silver. It's a blue and tan fire-type that shoots fire after the flame erupts from its back. I recently gave one to a trainer from here in New Bark Town when he started his Pokemon journey.

"Okay, well, thank you Professor for resolving this issue. It's not often that we get a Pokemon unknown by our scanners here at the Pokemon Center.

"No problem, young miss."

------------

The creature he saw was not intimidating in the least. It was a large, blue and yellowish-tan mouse with eyes that gave the appearance of smiling no matter which way it turned its head. It stared at the man holding Mitch against the tree. Or maybe it was looking beyond at the flower field nearby.

"Quil?" It tilted its head.

The man laughed.

"What's this thing? It looks weaker than the Rattatas most grunts get when they join Team Rocket."

Mitch had to admit that the man holding his throat was right: the creature didn't look scary at all. It looks like it was Heartholme Elementary all over again.

It sneezed.

"And now it's cold. Great."

As if sensing the boy's disapproval, the creature focused and, seconds later, bright orange flames seemingly erupted from its back.

The man dropped Mitch to the ground.

"Sh-shoot. A f-fire type.

A voice rang out.

"Cyndy, use Tackle on the grunt!"

"Quil!" cried the creature as it rushed headfirst at the man and knocked him away from the tree into a field of dirt near the flowers.

"Cyndy, use ember on him now!

"Cyn...da..." The flame on its back seemed to grow. "Quil!" It shot flames from its open mouth at the man on the ground, instantly catching a part of the black jumpsuit on fire.

The man seemed to disappear as he sprinted off towards the east.

The trees rustled as a young man stepped out from them, his black cargo pants rustling as they rubbed against the tree.

"You alright kid?"

There was a faint splash from the direction the man ran.


A/N:
Welcome to chapter 3. This is where the story story starts to heat up and such. Sorry for the two-week delay but got busy all of last week and most of this week. Special thanks to
Mizan de la Plume Kuro for beta reading the first part. Chapter 4 is scheduled for next weekend. I tried to make the Nurse Joy (who is young) sound as much like a girl at my school as possible.
 
Last edited:

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
I'm guessing there's nothing to be said about the third chapter? I know there's got to be, at least, one grammar problem. It really bums me out that no one has replied. :(
 

Scales

Man of Infinite Jest
1,719
Posts
17
Years
Reading ~ Reading.

It looks alright so far. I dunno if I could give any criticisms on the story itself, as I am more of a story teller who prefers a good adventure story.

Anyway, I eagerly await what you do next with this story. I hope to see it spice up.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
Thank you, my friend. But the sad truth is I'm running out of notebook space XD

Gotta get some new notebooks! I'll try to have the whole of Chapter Four sent to a grammar checker by tomorrow. Until Friday night, when I update, please be patient and, perhaps, read some other stories in the section.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
--- Chapter Four ---

There was silence throughout the forest as Mitch contemplated the events the events that had just transpired.

First, he awoke in Azalea's Pokemon Center, wearing someone else's clothing and got a Pokeball from Nurse Joy to take to the guy who took him to the center.

Second, either while he was in the forest or while he was passed out in the Center, Team Rocket, a bunch of thugs wearing black suits with red 'R's, had invaded his town. He even had angered one on the way to finding the guy who the Pokeball belonged to.

Third, after almost passing out because the Rocket grunt was holding his throat, he was saved by the guy again, only to find out it was a kid... no, kid did not describe him... a boy with black hair. He used a strange fire-type Pokemon to do so.

"Hey, you alright?" It was the boy.

Mitch could not move his mouth and respond. He just pulled his legs up to his knees and hugged them.

The boy nudged him.

"Hey kid."

'I resent it!' he thought, his vision becoming blurry as dtoplets of water formed in the corners of his eyes.

The boy just stood there.

"Kid?"

Mitch didn't know what had happened next as he found himself in a different part of the forest, drenched with sweat, chest and heart pounding as one with the boy nowhere in sight.

He wanted to go home. But where was it from here?

He looked around, trying to establish his bearings.

Which way was town?

Nothing.

There was nothing. Nothing but trees and dirt. There were no familiar landmarks within view.

And... chatter?

There were definitely voices in the distance. Mitch tried to walk towards them.

The chatter grew louder and the voices grew more distinct, forming words out of the varying tones that comprised it.

"...why are we even here in this backwater hick town anyway? Is there anything really valuable here?"

Mitch had stumbled across a clearing in the forest.. a dirt path separating the forest into two parts. The path itself was a landmark he was looking for. He now knew where he was; he was just west of the city, south east of his house.

There were five black shapes standing in the center of the path. In the sunlight, the red symbols on their black uniforms shone.

But they hadn't noticed him. And now that he knew where he was, he could easily get home.

"Hey who's there?"

Mitch froze, half-expecting a hand to shoot out from behind a tree like the other man did before.

'Note to self: learn bad words' he thought, putting his hand around the Pokeball in his pocket. This time was going to be different.

But then he heard a voice. "Heh, I don't need to give my name to low-life grunts like you. You might as well be running for your lives right now."

There was a silence and then another Rocket spoke.

"Do you really think the five of us would lose to a single, red-haired brat like you? Hah!"

Mitch now was watching from the trees. The men were blocking his view of this guy.

"You're math must stink you uneducated buffoon." replied the boy.

A burst of water shot out from the trees, knocking two of the men to the ground. The view was clear now and Mitch looked at the "brat" they had mentioned.

He did indeed have red hair, hair as red as the 'R's of Team Rocket's uniforms. It fell upon the back of his black jacket. His mouth was a grin of overwhelming look of confidence and his eyes seemed to be alight. He kept his hands in the pockets of his black jeans.

Just who was this guy?

He just stood there and pulled his right hand out of his pocket. Another burst of water shot out of the forest and collided with the remaining three men, knocking them to the ground like the other two.

The hand was in the pocket again. A Rocket struggled to stand.

"You... I remember that blasted red hair of yours. You're the kid of Giov-" he was cutoff by the boy, a look of rage now upon his face.

"Do not mention that name in front of me!" he roared, his teeth gritted.

He pulled both hands out of his pocket this time. The water once again shot from the cover of trees but, as the man was knocked into the pile of semi-conscious men, a blackish-purple fog began to envelop them. The boy's left hand was still out his pocket.

The smile once again appeared, more malicious than ever. No sign of resent was to be found within those eyes.

"Enough," he spoke quietly, placing his hand back into his pocket.

The fog began to lift, revealing the five men, laying unconscious on the ground. Mitch could detect no movement besides the rising and falling of their chests. The boy walked over to them and prodded one with his finger.

Mitch could not think of anything other than sneaking away from this remorseless kid. He slowly took a step back with a resounding 'snap'.

"Who's there?" called the boy, his attention focused on the forest.

'Now would be a good time for a bad word' thought Mitch as he stood there in the shade of the trees, unsure of what to do.

The boy had his hand out of its pocket again, this time a Pokeball was clenched in it.

"Get out here!"

Without a word, Mitch walked out onto the path, half expecting the kid to release the Pokemon from it's ball.

"Che, it's only a child. Get lost." He turned back to the men and prodded another one.

Realizing his chance, he ran as fast as he could in the direction his home was in. He almost couldn't see the way he running, the tears in his eyes were so thick.

A/N: This is my first attempt at getting inside the mind of a kid who learns he's useless.Sorry for putting it up Sunday evening; got distracted trying to read the whole of Neo Pikachu's "The Trials of Juno". Please leave a comment if something feels off to you. It will greatly help.
 

KajiVenator

The Flame Huntzman
182
Posts
14
Years
--- Chapter Five ---

The tears still lingered in the corners of his eyes as he stepped out of the forest and saw a very familiar building, the only building he could find complete solace for miles around: his house, his home, his sanctity.

He paid no heed to the darkened windows as he walked up to the front door, stopping before it to grab the unpolished bronze-colored knob. He twisted his wrist. It refused to turn, locked.

Unphased, he raised his hand and knocked loudly on the door, hoping his mother was asleep, hoping she would answer the door and yell at him for being outside all night, wearing strange clothes and knocking loudly, even as he subconsciously registered the amount of mold growing on the edges of the door.

No answer.

He continued knocking, subconsciously understanding that there would be no answer yet refusing the logic of his inner mind.

But, as his last flame of hope for sanctity slowly died out from fuel deprivation, the sound of crunching wood reached his ears: the door was breaking under his pounding?

He stopped. The door fell inwards, two large chucks pulled out of the door where the hinges once were, exposing the dankness of the inside to the afternoon sunlight.

The sight of the fallen door had triggered one of the worst memories to surface, a recollection of when his family first moved to Azalea Town, roughly three years before.

His parents had, for some reason, decided to move to an area the exact opposite of the kind they were accustomed to, moving from the Metropolis known as Heartholme City to the rural area of Azalea Town. He hardly remembered anything about that city but remembered how he used to watch all sorts of Pokemon Trainers pass through town.

He could not remember Heartholme very well but he could distinctly remember what it was like adjusting to an entirely new area: horrible. He even recalled how he and his parents to repair the home.

The fallen door; dilapidated wooden walls covered with moss; an unkempt yard and gunk-covered windows. It was all the same as it was right when he and his parents arrived on its doorstep for the first time, only now he knew what had caused the door to fall in: himself.

"I-imp-possible..."

Once again he found himself in the forest, far away from his problems, his breathing harsh and rapid while water dripped off the side of his face.

Where was he? How did he get here?

Why?

Why was he here?

He thrust his hands into the pockets of the black cargo pants he wore, thoughts rushing through his head, over and over as he tried to rationalize the situation.

The thoughts stopped as he realized something was inside one of the pockets his hands were in, something soft and smooth. He pulled his hand out, the item clenched in his fist.

It was the hat from the night before, that mans hat. That man was the reason he was here. But why? How? The most important questions still remained unanswered. Maybe the hat itself held a clue?

He uncrumpled the hat and looked at it; it was made out of a light, resilient black material and, besides the resiliency, nothing seemed special about it. He rotated it in his hands, pausing as the opening of the hat came into view. There were tags on the inside. Perhaps the man had wrote something on them?

He pulled the biggest tag and looked at it. Upon the tag was... the straight-lined, red 'R' that he was now all-to familiar with. Team Rocket.

The hat fell out of his hands and hit the leaf-strewn floor of the forest.

He couldn't deny the logic of his inner mind any longer; his entire body shook at the realization.

He was in the past. That man from the forest, a member of Team Rocket had unknowingly brought him here. Team Rocket was the reason he had had such a horrible day.

His fists clenched and, after a moment of thought, relaxed.

What could he do? He was a helpless kid with an inexperienced Scyther. He couldn't go back under his own power. How could he return to his own time and escape to the only place he thought he could find sanctuary?

You could stop them.

The thought raced through his head, combining with his anger and fear.

"Kick them out of my town," he thought. Even if this was the past, this town was still his. Undoubtedly, Team Rocket was probably somewhere in town causing harm to the town residents, people he slightly knew back in his time.

He reached in his pocket and grabbed the small red and white sphere, throwing it on the ground, revealing his only friend in the past, Etch the Scyther.

"Etch," he called to the bug, "we are going to put a stop to whatever Team Rocket's been doing in our town. We will not let them harm our town anymore!"

The giant green mantis nodded his head slowly.

A dull 'boom' reached his ears.

"Let's go Etch!" he called, sprinting in the direction of the 'boom', the young bug navigating through the trees behind him. The ground shook almost unnoticeably.


-------

Weird.

There was no one out in town as the duo raced through it, no Rocket grunts anywhere in view as Mitch and Etch searched for the origin of the explosion.

Mitch was pretty sure that the two were connected; when he found the Rockets, he'd find the origin of the explosion. But where would that be?

He stopped and looked back at the forest he had left just five minutes ago; did he miss something on the way?

The only thing past this part of town was the old Slowpoke Well, home to a dull-witted species of mostly-pink Pokemon known as Slowpoke. Could they be inside there?

He turned ahead and looked to the well: no signs of movement there either. There were puddles though.

"That would explain the splash from earlier," he thought snidely.

With no Rockets in sight, he walked over the puddles and down an inverse hill to the wells entrance.

A/N: Busy for two whole weeks up until tonight x.x

CC Please as I'm the only one who seems to respond to this thread.
 
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