Kuro-Aikuchi. A novel by Skaraflame

[Skara]

Welcome to the Official Thread for Kuro-Aikuchi. The graphic, picture-less novel by yours truly.

Kuro-Aikuchi roughly translates as Blood-Sword.

Instead of boring you with meaningless details, I'll post the prologues.

Prologue 1: Echo of Blood

Spoiler:

It was a cold night... the call of a nearby eagle could clearly be heard. The night was filled with haunting creatures and a fox could be seen scurrying across the road, going into its home to escape the rain. It was raining heavily and there was steam on the roads from the intense rain. This was normal for this town though, it was near to the ocean and rain clouds seemed to appear frequently. This was the quiet little town of the howling sea. It was a beautiful little town despite its common bad weather. It had a little park in the centre and trees constantly swaying by every house, a town hall for the children to play and the adults to have a drink and there was a local café that was open all day and all night. There were always people taking late night walks with their dog and couples sat on benches having a nice, quiet evening. But tonight was different. Tonight, there was an unwanted guest in town. A mysterious and shadowy figure was moving quickly in the night. He was unclear as he was wearing clothes that successfully managed to conceal him to a point where not even his closest acquaintances could recognise him. He walked over to a small house by the ocean. The house had a crooked, metal roof and was made entirely of wood, leaves and stones. The inside was dark and damp, some rainwater in the corner was even dripping and only 5 candles were lighting the room. It had 4 rooms upstairs, 1 big room downstairs and a storage basement where all the emergency items were in case of a break-in. But this time, there was no prior warning, as the entire family of the house were asleep. As the figure ascended upstairs, the stairs creaked, and woke up Akemi. Akemi was a teenage girl; she was 16 years old and had red hair. Little did she know the horror that was about to befall her. As she heard the figure moving, she started shivering violently, and she hid under her covers. She then started thinking about what it could have been. Was it a person? Was it just the wind? Suddenly, her door slowly opened, and she slowly popped her head out of the cover....

Her parents were in the next room; they heard strange goings on and decided to investigate. Akemi's mother crept to the third room to protect the children, and Akemi's father went into Akemi's room. There, right in front of him, was a hooded man with a knife in one hand, and Akemi's head in the other. The man had stabbed Akemi and broken her neck. He was now staring intently at Akemi's father. He then took out a gun, pulled the trigger, and shot Akemi's father. He fell instantly to the floor. Akemi's mother then came out to the landing and saw her husband's body half-way out the door. She screamed for her life as his blood poured out of his head in gallons. The neighbours gathered round the house in their dozens, and heard all the screaming. Police vans arrived after hearing reports of mass murder. The neighbours were looking less terrified, and more reassured that a mass killer was about to be caught and locked up. The police cautiously entered the house and were shocked by the sight. The bodies had been brought down into the big downstairs room, and the killer was sitting in the corner laughing. The police took out their guns and shot at the killer over and over again. The killer didn't move out of his place, but he was bleeding heavily. All of a sudden, the blood turned a golden colour and it re-entered his body. The policemen stared at the scene in disbelief, as if they were watching some 3D horror movie. After the killer had essentially absorbed his own gold coloured blood, he floated into the air, and he turned completely black. He stared at each one of the policemen and pointed his right hand at one specific policeman. He laughed violently and his hand glowed red. All of a sudden he started shooting arrows from his red hand. The policeman dropped dead on the floor. His head decapitated, his chest pierced and bleeding and he had gone completely white. The other policemen put up their shields, prepared handcuffs and they ran up to the killer. They looked up at him, attempted to handcuff him but the attempt failed miserably as the killer just disappeared in an instant from the spot he was previously in, appeared in the doorway behind the policemen, and bit their necks one by one. All the neighbours saw the bodies of the policemen fly out of the door, as the killer slowly walked outside the door. He looked at the neighbours and smiled. They all screamed and ran off to the town hall for safety. The clouds in the sky then suddenly multiplied and turned a dark red colour; all of a sudden, another mysterious figure appeared from the clouds. This one was a red silhouetted figure who also shot arrows from his arms. Could he be a similar being? The neighbours noticed the new figure shoot at the killer, and they all walked slowly outside to watch. The killer was now paralyzed. The red figure then grabbed the killer, grasped him tightly and flew up into the air with him. The red figure then dived straight into the raging sea and there was an enormous splash. There was an explosion for a split second, and that was that. Everyone stared at the scene with their jaws wide open. They shook their heads and then ran back to their houses. As they walked in, they looked like they had just been sleepwalking and had woken up. They walked into their homes slowly and thought about the whole thing as if it were a dream.

The question still remains though. Why did the hooded man choose this house specifically? What was so special about this family that he couldn't stand? Did he know them? Was he ordered to kill them? No-one knew. Everyone just acted as if nothing even happened…

Spoiler:

The next morning, a young boy walked towards the house. This young boy was named Echo. Echo was 17 years old and had short, black hair with a red stripe. He wore a white top, a red headband, a black jacket with red buttons going down the middle, black jeans and white/red trainers. Echo walked through the park and smiles at everyone going about their daily business. He noticed something strange though. Everyone seemed to be hiding something. They all looked at him as he passed, with looks of sorrow on their faces. Something was obviously wrong. Echo decided to go straight home, rather than run his morning errands like he did every morning. As he walked down the steps to the docks, he stared at his house. Something was different. The door was open, the doorway was full of blood, the windows were smashed and parts of the house's exterior were on the floor. The house was crooked and there were leaves everyone. He rushed into the house in a panic, and saw the dead bodies of his sisters, his mother, his father and his baby brother. His entire family was dead.

He stared at the bodies, tightly shut his eyes and pinched himself. He opened his eyes, but nothing had changed. The bodies were there. It was real.

At that exact moment, Echo vowed to his family to avenge their death even if it meant risking his life…​

​

Prologue 2: Katana of Victory

Spoiler:

In the Town of the ripped sky, there was a war in the town centre; The Red Fist Clan VS the Blue Knuckle Clan. Hiding in a bush was Masaru. An 18 year old boy with short white hair, a white Tunic with a Red Cross printed on, a longsword on his back, red trousers and black trainers. Masaru was closely watching his enemy's every move, as she was trying to find Masaru. Masaru drew out his sword and prepared for attack. He reached into his pocket, took out a smoke bomb and threw it hard onto the ground near the opposition. As the smoke got thicker, Masaru jumped down behind the enemy and uttered the words,

"you're finished Blue Knuckle!" and he stabbed her in the back of the neck. He took his sword out and took the black necklace from the dead body.

"Good work Masaru, you assassinated your enemy without being noticed. You're promoted to rank 7 of the Red Fist Clan. You know what that means; you can now assign yourself independent missions. I'll go to the trouble of finding a new member." "Thank you, Sensei. I'm most grateful." Replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin.


The next morning, the bell rang at 6:00am, and the entire Red Fist Clan shot out of bed for day 3 of the Clan War. "Ok Red Fists. You know the drill. The score stands at 4-4, thanks to Masaru for evening us out. As a result, Masaru has been promoted to Rank 7, and we have a new member. Meet Gorou. He'll be replacing Masaru." Announced Sensei

"Masaru will be observing the Clan War, and will be fighting as the Clan's representative against the Blue Knuckle's head honcho, Jump". He carried on. The bell then rang for 6:30am, and everyone left for outside to observe the Clan War. The 5 original Red Fist fighters had left by either death or promotion. Gorou was the only fighter left and he had been ordered to assassinate the one remaining Blue Knuckle Fighter. As the sun shined and the trees swayed in the breeze, everyone was anticipating when the Blue Knuckle would turn up. And sure enough, he did. He was wearing a black mask and a red cape. He wore the signature Blue Knuckle top, and the Blue Jeans. He took a weapon out of his pocket, locked on to Gorou, and threw the weapon at him. The battle had begun.

"Go! Metal Disc!" he cried, as he threw the weapon near Gorou to throw him off guard. "I will raise my defence! Marvel at the incredible dimensional wall!" Gorou yelled. An enormous wall rose from the ground, and the Blue Knuckle's weapon was absorbed into Anti-Matter. Gorou then appeared behind Jonbi in a flash, and stabbed his hand into the Blue Knuckle's back. As Gorou took the necklace, the Blue Knuckle flew forward, into anti-matter. He was finished. Now all that had to be done was the battle between Masaru and Jump. As Gorou walked away into the cabin, he was accompanied by a thunderous applause.

Spoiler:

"Masaru! Come down now! And bring your brother with you!" "What is it father? Has the time come for the final battle?" replied Masaru. "How did you guess, Masaru? Get your coats, we have to leave as soon as possible." "Of course father, watching my younger brother fight will be dazzling. After all, I did teach him everything he knows." Said Masaru's brother in a relatively smug manner. "Stop saying that! You know I hate it." Masaru shouted. "Look, kids. We have no time to argue, we have to get the Clan Site."

At the clan site, the battlefield was set. The prize was at the table and the two clans were either side of the stands. Finally, Masaru, his brother and their Dad pulled up. Masaru's brother and father joined the Red Fist side, while Masaru went to the Red side of the stadium. The lights turned on and the crowd started cheering; it was 9:00pm and Masaru was raring to fight. Masaru and Jump were staring each-other down waiting to start the battle. The referee shot the gun in the air, and the battle started.

"Summon! Great ball of fire!!" screamed Masaru. A giant ball of fire shot from his hands directly at Jump. But at the exact second the fireball was meant to hit Jump, he dodged the attack. Jump then appeared in a flash of light in the sky, and shot down at Masaru. Masaru had been hit. He was shoved into the ground and surrounding by his own blood. Jump then shot hooks from his right hand and it went right through Masaru's stomach. The Red side of the crowd were on edge, and the Blue side were cheering and Jump was winning the fight. All of a sudden, Masaru appeared to spontaneously combust, but his wounds healed, and he shot into the air and continuously shot fire from his hands. Jump dodged every single one of them. Masaru then flew down, grabbed Jump and threw him down, but Jump wasn't hurt. He turned a light blue colour and the temperature suddenly dropped. It was fire VS ice. "MASARU! YOU WILL NOT BE VICTORIOUS! I WILL WIN!!" screamed Jump at the top of his voice. Masaru didn't seem scared by this threatening sentence, as he appeared to know something that Jump didn't. He focused his fire at his hands and flew to Jump. Jump stabbed Masaru's face and froze it. The ice was weighing him down and he was suffering, but he smiled. He didn't take a direct hit for nothing. Masaru touched his face, opened his mouth and bared his teeth. He flew to Jump and crunched him with fiery teeth. Jump lost all his ice power and fell to the ground. Masaru let of all of his fire and floated safely to the battlefield. Masaru constantly punched Jump over and over again, and Jump bled a little more with each hit. When everything seemed to be at an end, there was an explosion outside the stadium. Jump suddenly opened his eyes and gave a cheeky grin. "I win." He said. Jump's eyes then rolled back into his head and his chest started spilling blood. He got slimmer and slimmer. His heart was still beating, barely alive. The bleeding stopped, and Jump was dead. The crowd cheered and Masaru was given the Katana. The Katana of victory. Of course, Masaru's day didn't end a good one. He walked to the car; and there, in the car, was his dad's body, well, what was left of it. There were traces of petrol on his burned face, and there were footprints outside the car door. Masaru then realised that his brother was nowhere to be seen. Could he have done it? No... Surely not... Masaru had his doubts, but he had a strong feeling his brother could have been responsible for this. Masaru walked away; throwing his longsword onto the floor next to his dad's side of the car, and placing his shiny new Katana in the sword pouch at the back of his tunic.​

​

Prologue 3: Escape of a bounty hunter.​

Spoiler:

Deep in the Underground prison, a mysterious man was walking through the holding cells. As he walked over to a giant metal door, he took a card out of his coat and swiped it in the slot. The giant metal door opened to reveal a dark room; the man stared into the room and smiled as he walked in. A voice then whispered,

"You're here at last, M." It was a woman's voice.

"Nanami; you always were the impatient sort."

"Well it's hard to change when you're tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls."

"True, but you need to become better at your job. Bounty hunters signed up to the DuskBane industry are normally a lot more high-levelled than this."

"Sorry M, but this time it was out of my hands…"
M listened intently. See, it was unusual for Nanami to get caught, or for any DuskBane bounty hunter to get into trouble of any kind.
Nanami is 18 years old, wears a black crop top and white jacket with red buttons, black skinny jeans and red converse; but not today, today she was in overalls chained up to a wall…

Spoiler:

"So tell me Nanami. What happened?" asked M.
"Well, I was on a mission to burn down this prison, and I clearly got caught."
"In what way was that out of your hands?"
"Well for starters, I was blackmailed into it by Kaiser, and he said that if I didn't do this mission then he would kill me. Secondly, I was being watched by Kaiser throughout this mission, and so I had no chance of escape. As soon as I smashed a window in and threw in the petrol and matches, I was caught. I assume they've rebuilt the prison since I was thrown down here a year ago?"
"They sure have" replied M "It's fire-proof too… wait a minute. You failed your mission. Did Kaiser mention anything about that?"
"No, he didn't. But I assume I'm not in his good books."
"Don't worry Nanami. I'll make sure Kaiser can't hurt you."
​

As M freed Nanami from the chains and ran out of the room, he put on a pair of goggles and pressed a switch at the top. He grabbed Nanami's hand, and he ran straight through the dark prison corridor.
They were quickly stopped by guards, though, and as much as they tried to escape, they couldn't. It was take to take drastic measures.
"It's time to release my Wicked Psych!" M cried. M and Nanami staring glowing a bright, white light that surrounded their entire bodies. The guards started burning, and they then disappeared. M and Nanami started running again, wall kicking against the concrete walls and cracking parts as they went.
The corridor was very haunting, as there were cobwebs everywhere, and spiders scuttling up and down the walls. Occasionally, a convict or two would shiver violently as spiders crawled down their clothes and onto their bodies.
As soon as M and Nanami left the basement floor, the alarm sounded and security started appearing from everywhere. M constantly attacked them with his wicked psych, but more and more were coming. Eventually, they got tired and became an easy catch.
They had been caught by security and this time they were helpless. As they were being dragged away, the floor started to shake, and the ceiling started to crumble. Suddenly, a figure appeared in the smoke. It was Kaiser. He shot at the Security member with a needle. The security member let go, and M and Nanami were free.
"Come on you two. You're more useless than I thought you'd be" Said Kaiser.
"We're not useless; this place just has really high security now."
"I think Nanami's to blame for that one, M".
"Urgh, come on! Let's just get the hell outta here!" Shouted Nanami as she got up and scrubbed her overalls with her hands.
​

When they got outside, they looked back at the prison, and marvelled at the site as it came down again.
"So M. When you infiltrated the area to rescue me... you killed all the guards from the 1st floor up?"
"I sure did. It was easy too. A quick slash of my longsword and BAM! They're dead." Replied M enthusiastically.
The outside of the prison was full of moving spotlights, barbed wire, prison guards and police dogs. Around it were dead trees and a muddy pond. Occasionally, a mud fish could be seen swimming across the pond. A Vulture swooped down, grabbed a worm and flew up to a tree to feed the worm to its chicks. This was the furthest most convicts got, before being attacked by a dog or pecked by a vulture.
​

Kaiser walked over to his car and unlocked the doors. M and Nanami got into the back of car, and Kaiser closed the door and started the engine. As he drove away, the car tyres splashed any nearby guard with mud. The car quickly drove out of the prison grounds, and zoomed off into the night...
​

"When do you s'pose Kaiser's gonna be back with Nanami and Morgan, eh?"
"Can't really say boss, he left last night for 'em and still ain't back. Surely it takes less than 8 hours to drive back her from the prison?"
"Not too sure, but whatever time they come back, I just hope Nanami's alive. That prison's nasty. Kaiser had no right doin' what he did, Morgan should fire 'im."
"What's that noise boss? It can't be them, can it?"
"It's gotta be, they've been on the way back for 8 friggin' hours."
Surely enough, it was in fact Nanami, Kaiser and Morgan. Nanami was the first to walk in, still in her overalls.
"Sorry we're late, we got... caught up." Said Nanami.
"Caught up? Nanami you're 8 hours late. What could POSSIBLY stall you for 8 hours?" yelled the boss.
"Well... you'll understand when you see M and Kaiser."
"Nanami, when you're in headquarters, you can refer to 'M' as Morgan. You're not undercover anymore, and go get changed, I got somethin' to tell ya."
"Ok boss. Morgan and Kaiser will be up any second now, I'll go get changed."
"Urgh... sometimes I hate being the head of Kaiser's department... and I thought bein' in charge of that other guy was bad enough. Now I'm in charge of TWO blunderin' half-wits."

The Boss was a big man. Fat, you might say. He was a bounty hunter himself, and had an impressive 150 completed missions under his belt. He had hardly any hair (covered by a blue cap), a white shirt with braces, scruffy jeans and black shoes. He always had a cigarette in his mouth and rarely left his office.
His office was also an impressive place. With red/yellow wallpaper, a red carpet, a chandelier on the ceiling and tables on every side to keep his decorations on. He had a fish-tank with half-a-dozen neon tetra, a Lizard, a Salamander, a spider crab and even several wood geckos.

The Boss had fallen asleep waiting for Kaiser and Morgan. They then burst through the door and looked at the Boss.
"Sir, we're back" Whispered Kaiser.
"What? Who's... oh, you guys..." Boss replied disdainfully.
"As you can see, we freed Nanami. She's safe and sound".
"That's great Kaiser. But you're late. I can't believe I'm managing your squad you fool. Morgan, sir, thank you for doing this; Nanami is urgently needed... only a bounty hunter of her skill can do this" Replied the Boss.
"No problem. I'll assign her this mission straight away" Said Morgan promptly.
Morgan turned towards the door, grabbed Kaiser by the hand and walked out.
​

Morgan's full name was Morgan Duskbane. He was the head of the Duskbane Industry and ultimately had power over "the Boss".
He had wild hair, a white jacket, jeans and trainers. This was an extremely clever disguise though, as normally he had a black hat, a white cape with the letter "D" in front of a black lightning bolt imprinted on it, a white top with a sharp collar, black jeans, trainers and a metal claw where his hand used to be. He used his teenage appearance to fool onlookers when he was in public, and transformed into his real form when he was within the DuskBane building.
​

As Morgan and Kaiser walked down the long, windy corridor, they both switched to their true forms.
Morgan switched from the teenager with crazy hair, to a badass bounty hunter in a hat; while Kaiser transformed from a teenage look with generic clothes to a man full of muscle. He had a scanning lens on his right eye, a ripped top, a six-pack and two iron-fists; His full name? Kaiser Ironfist.
They both walked down the corridor and into Nanami's room.
"Nanami"
"What is it, Kaiser?"
"It's time to assign you your mission"
"Tell me more..."​

​

 

[Astinus]

I'm thinking this is an actual fic, so that goes into the main forum. Writer's Lounge is for previews.

Also, let me just say that it's rather difficult to read that much centered text. We're so used to reading left to right that centered text, especially that much, is difficult to read, and having centered text will deter readers.

 

[Skara]

I'm thinking this is an actual fic, so that goes into the main forum. Writer's Lounge is for previews.

Also, let me just say that it's rather difficult to read that much centered text. We're so used to reading left to right that centered text, especially that much, is difficult to read, and having centered text will deter readers.

Did you not read the bit before the story? this IS a preview. What you do mean you think it's a fic?

 

[JX Valentine]

Did you not read the bit before the story? this IS a preview. What you do mean you think it's a fic?

Probably this:

Welcome to the Official Thread for Kuro-Aikuchi. The graphic, picture-less novel by yours truly.

Also, the fact that prologue =/= preview. Prologues are first chapters of a story that take place before the action of the "present day" of the timeline. Or, in simpler terms, it's chapter zero, the chapter before chapter one. A preview would be a summary or short excerpt, but considering you've started off with three full prologues (as far as we can tell) and the title "official thread," we're inclined to think you actually want to have a story thread, not a preview or discussion thread. The fact that you didn't actually say it was a preview or what you were looking for by posting a preview (i.e., if you wanted us to tell you if the concept was okay or something along those lines) probably didn't help her judgment.

Other than that, I have to agree with Astinus about the formatting. Not only that, but your chapters are a bit difficult to read as they are because you don't properly space out paragraphs. As in, there's no clear indication that you've ended one paragraph and are going into another one. (See this post as an example. Notice how there's a blank line of space between one paragraph and another? Because forums strip indentations, this is the only real way to indicate a paragraph break clearly and cleanly.) Without paragraph breaks, your text becomes even more difficult to read because the reader has difficulties keeping track of their place. I know that I have a tendency to miss or reread lines accidentally if confronted with a block of text because my eyes need that paragraph break to focus on the correct line. Centering the text screws me up completely because I now have to find the beginning of the line as well, causing me to be unable to focus on the line I should be on immediately. (This goes especially for your third prologue, where most lines aren't even near your left margin.)

I know it sounds anal to tell you about how to format your work, but you really do want to make your fic as easy-to-read for your audience as possible. The less comfortable we are picking up your story (just because of formatting issues), the less likely we are to finish a chapter.

 

[Skara]

I stated that these were "the firs three prologues" though; which means it's not the whole story. A.K.A a preview.

I break paragraphs when I need to, and when I'm on a laptop I'll fix the center thing.

 

[JX Valentine]

I stated that these were "the firs three prologues" though; which means it's not the whole story. A.K.A a preview.

If you read other people's story threads, you'll notice that no one actually posts the full work if they're writing a chapter story. Rather, they post only one chapter at a time, with that chapter being whatever they finish. In fact, most fanfic or original fic authors online don't even have the entire story written before they create their threads. Instead, they finish chapters as they go and post the newest finished one.

So, no, posting three prologues doesn't necessarily mean you're posting a preview. It just means you've started your story thread unless you actually tell us it's a preview (and what kind of feedback you'd like about your preview).

I break paragraphs when I need to,

Which should be whenever you start a new paragraph. As I've said, you'll want to insert a line between each new paragraph because it makes your work easier to read. Otherwise, it's a block of text, and some readers physically have difficulties reading work formatted in that manner.

 

[Skara]

If you read other people's story threads, you'll notice that no one actually posts the full work if they're writing a chapter story. Rather, they post only one chapter at a time, with that chapter being whatever they finish. In fact, most fanfic or original fic authors online don't even have the entire story written before they create their threads. Instead, they finish chapters as they go and post the newest finished one.

So, no, posting three prologues doesn't necessarily mean you're posting a preview. It just means you've started your story thread unless you actually tell us it's a preview (and what kind of feedback you'd like about your preview).



Which should be whenever you start a new paragraph. As I've said, you'll want to insert a line between each new paragraph because it makes your work easier to read. Otherwise, it's a block of text, and some readers physically have difficulties reading work formatted in that manner.

It isn't my entire work though.

Oh, and I DO add a line gap when I start a new paragraph.

 

[bobandbill]

It isn't my entire work though.

Oh, and I DO add a line gap when I start a new paragraph.

Not really - you do it occassionally but not when you always should; for instance:

"You're here at last, M." It was a woman's voice.
"Nanami; you always were the impatient sort."
"Well it's hard to change when you're tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls."

This should be rather like this:

"You're here at last, M." It was a woman's voice.

"Nanami; you always were the impatient sort."

"Well it's hard to change when you're tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls."

I.e. a blank line in-between each new speaker, etc. Prologue 2 for instance only has one instance of it and the rest of the paragrahs don't have the line spacing either.

Also agreeing that the centreing of the text makes it a devil to read, especially as computer screens aren't the best for the eyes to begin with.

I took a quick glance over - the beginning parts here seem all right. There's some things that could use addressing:

The inside was dark and damp, some rainwater in the corner was even dripping and only 5 candles were lighting the room. It had 4 rooms upstairs, 1 big room downstairs and a storage basement where all the emergency items were in case of a break-in.

Generally numbers less than 100 are written out as a word, so five, four and one would be preferable over 5, 4 and 1. I also questin whether the fact the house had so-and-so rooms upstairs and downstairs to be a relevant fact as it appears to play no part in the story and seems to come out of left field in the story as well - you'ree setting up the atmosphere, then suddenly mention the house's rooms, and then move back to the story.

He fell instantly to the floor. Akemi's mother then came out to the landing and saw her husband's body half-way out the door. She screamed for her life as his blood poured out of his head in gallons. The neighbours gathered round the house in their dozens, and heard all the screaming. Police vans arrived after hearing reports of mass murder. The neighbours were looking less terrified, and more reassured that a mass killer was about to be caught and locked up. The police cautiously entered the house and were shocked by the sight. The bodies had been brought down into the big downstairs room, and the killer was sitting in the corner laughing. The police took out their guns and shot at the killer over and over again. The killer didn't move out of his place, but he was bleeding heavily. All of a sudden, the blood turned a golden colour and it re-entered his body. The policemen stared at the scene in disbelief, as if they were watching some 3D horror movie.

Sometimes the writing feels a touch flat as well - there seems to be a lack of emotion or feeling here - for instance 'The police....and were shocked by the sight' or 'The neighbours gathered around the house in their dozens, and heard all the screaming/were looking less terrified'. In such instances, you'r only telling us these facts, but we don't really see thse facts - we just know that they are terrified, shocked, etc. Adding more such has how they react - say a policeman may gag at the smell of the blood - would show us that he is terrified without you actually telling us, while you also help us imagine the scene better by bringing things in like smell or more visual descriptions into the scene.

Also note that in that section a lot of sentences started with 'The' which gave the scene a repetitive sound to it - try mixing up the sentence structure some more by using other words to start sentences - here seven times starting with 'The' in nine consecutive sentences is a bit too much however.

I'll also add that upon glancing there's the minor problem with punctuation in dialogue:

"Thank you, Sensei. I'm most grateful." Replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin.

As here 'Replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin' flows on from the dialogue and cannot stand by itself as its own sentence, treat it and the dialogue as one sentencee (essentially ignoring the quotation marks) and hence refrain from capitalising 'Replied' and use a comma as opposed to a full stop in the dialogue:

"Thank you, Sensei. I'm most grateful," replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin.

Bit hard to say anything else though due to the centreing of the text and all making it hard to really read through, as mentioned.

 

[JX Valentine]

It isn't my entire work though.

I'd hate to be overly blunt, but please reread what I just said. Not everyone has their entire work finished when they post story threads here. In fact, most writers don't. (For example, you can take a look at my own story. I'm only on chapter thirteen, and I'm still working on finishing.) Instead, they post the chapters they finish, but the entire thread houses a work in progress. That being said, prologue =/= preview on a writing forum exactly because of this. Instead, prologue = story thread unless you specifically state that it's a preview.

Look, I know it's weird, but that's how writing forums work, period and no matter what you have to say about what you believe posting three prologues mean. So, you really shouldn't be surprised that Astinus thought you weren't actually posting a preview. When you go on a writing forum, you've really got to look around and see how things are usually done because otherwise, you'll get into messy situations where people will assume you're doing one thing when you actually mean to do another. Know what I'm saying?

Oh, and I DO add a line gap when I start a new paragraph.

Um... No, you really don't. Most of your work is all in one block of text, as bnb just showed you. For a clearer view, this is not an entire paragraph:

Deep in the Underground prison, a mysterious man was walking through the holding cells. As he walked over to a giant metal door, he took a card out of his coat and swiped it in the slot. The giant metal door opened to reveal a dark room; the man stared into the room and smiled as he walked in. A voice then whispered,
"You're here at last, M." It was a woman's voice.
"Nanami; you always were the impatient sort."
"Well it's hard to change when you're tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls."
"True, but you need to become better at your job. Bounty hunters signed up to the DuskBane industry are normally a lot more high-levelled than this."
"Sorry M, but this time it was out of my hands…"
M listened intently. See, it was unusual for Nanami to get caught, or for any DuskBane bounty hunter to get into trouble of any kind.
Nanami is 18 years old, wears a black crop top and white jacket with red buttons, black skinny jeans and red converse; but not today, today she was in overalls chained up to a wall…

Rather, it's multiple paragraphs. You have multiple speakers (keeping in mind that you start new paragraphs whenever a speaker changes) and multiple topics (the conversation, who Nanami is, what the mysterious man is walking through, et cetera). The only time you have a blank line between paragraphs is... well, actually, I'm not sure why you have blank lines between some paragraphs and not others. In any case, yeah. Remember that you have to start a new paragraph when the speaker changes, whenever you're starting a new topic, that kind of thing. In fact, to make it a simpler rule to follow, every time you're tempted to hit the enter key, hit it twice, not once.

Again, a lot of these seem like anal rules, but they're still just very basics for writing and for participating in a writing forum. You've really got to follow them without protesting so much because it's easier for your audience to want to get into your story if you do.

 

[Skara]

Whether you like it or not JX, I use a gap to seperate paragraphs. Read my prologues properly before you post here again please.

 

[bobandbill]

Whether you like it or not JX, I use a gap to seperate paragraphs. Read my prologues properly before you post here again please.

I'm sorry, but...what? Like it or not, but you did not.... here, let's screenshot it all.

Spoiler:

First prologue had one instance, as did the 2nd. The 3rd had a few more (9?) but still far less that what should be used for forums/stories on the internet. It was recommended that there is a line gap between every paragraph which includes instances when a different person speaks and whatnot

with a gap like so, yet I see very limited instances of that in your prologues. What point are you trying to argue here? =/ I mean, the first screenshot shows one instance of enter being hit once between 'paragraphs', and there's not even an noticable gap there - the other times no spacing is used whatsoever.

 

[Skara]

I'm sorry, but...what? Like it or not, but you did not.... here, let's screenshot it all.

Spoiler:

First prologue had one instance, as did the 2nd. The 3rd had a few more (9?) but still far less that what should be used for forums/stories on the internet. It was recommended that there is a line gap between every paragraph which includes instances when a different person speaks and whatnot

with a gap like so, yet I see very limited instances of that in your prologues. What point are you trying to argue here? =/ I mean, the first screenshot shows one instance of enter being hit once between 'paragraphs', and there's not even an noticable gap there - the other times no spacing is used whatsoever.

I use line gaps to seperate paragraphs. What part of that do none of you understand? I'll say it again.

WHERE THERE IS A PARAGRAPH GAP, I USE A LINE BREAK. END OF.

This conversation is over.


On a lighter and less pointless note, I've removed the center text formatting so you can all read it easier.

Now, let's discuss my story please. Anyone who fails to do so should stay away from this thread or they'll be reported for spamming.

 

[txteclipse]

Skara, everyone who has talked to you thus far really is trying to help you. As for discussing your story, nobody is going to do that if it's difficult to read the story to begin with.

Instead of simply reiterating what everyone has said, however, I'm going to repost your entire prologue with ideal formatting, because you seem to be misunderstanding people's comments. Pay special attention to how there is an empty line between paragraphs and when a new person begins to speak.

My comments and corrections are in blue.

Spoiler:

Prologue 1: Echo of Blood​

It was a cold night...the call of a nearby eagle could clearly be heard. The night was filled with haunting creatures and a fox could be seen scurrying across the road, going into its home to escape the rain. It was raining heavily and there was steam on the roads from the intense rain. This was normal for this town though, it was near to the ocean and rain clouds seemed to appear frequently. This was the quiet little town of the howling sea. It was a beautiful little town despite its common bad weather. It had a little park in the centre and trees constantly swaying by every house, a town hall for the children to play and the adults to have a drink and there was a local café that was open all day and all night. There were always people taking late night walks with their dog and couples sat on benches having a nice, quiet evening. But tonight was different. Tonight, there was an unwanted guest in town. A mysterious and shadowy figure was moving quickly in the night. He was unclear as he was wearing clothes that successfully managed to conceal him to a point where not even his closest acquaintances could recognise him. He walked over to a small house by the ocean. The house had a crooked, metal roof and was made entirely of wood, leaves and stones. The inside was dark and damp, some rainwater in the corner was even dripping and only 5 candles were lighting the room. It had 4 rooms upstairs, 1 big room downstairs and a storage basement where all the emergency items were in case of a break-in. But this time, there was no prior warning, as the entire family of the house were asleep. As the figure ascended upstairs, the stairs creaked, and woke up Akemi. Akemi was a teenage girl; she was 16 years old and had red hair. Little did she know the horror that was about to befall her. As she heard the figure moving, she started shivering violently, and she hid under her covers. She then started thinking about what it could have been. Was it a person? Was it just the wind? Suddenly, her door slowly opened, and she slowly popped her head out of the cover...This paragraph is extremely long. Try to break it into smaller segments.

Her parents were in the next room; they heard strange goings on and decided to investigate. Akemi's mother crept to the third room to protect the children, and Akemi's father went into Akemi's room. There, right in front of him, was a hooded man with a knife in one hand, and Akemi's head in the other. The man had stabbed Akemi and broken her neck. He was now staring intently at Akemi's father. He then took out a gun, pulled the trigger, and shot Akemi's father. He fell instantly to the floor. Akemi's mother then came out to the landing and saw her husband's body half-way out the door. She screamed for her life as his blood poured out of his head in gallons. The neighbours gathered round the house in their dozens, and heard all the screaming. Police vans arrived after hearing reports of mass murder. The neighbours were looking less terrified, and more reassured that a mass killer was about to be caught and locked up. The police cautiously entered the house and were shocked by the sight. The bodies had been brought down into the big downstairs room, and the killer was sitting in the corner laughing. The police took out their guns and shot at the killer over and over again. The killer didn't move out of his place, but he was bleeding heavily. All of a sudden, the blood turned a golden colour and it re-entered his body. The policemen stared at the scene in disbelief, as if they were watching some 3D horror movie. After the killer had essentially absorbed his own gold coloured blood, he floated into the air, and he turned completely black. He stared at each one of the policemen and pointed his right hand at one specific policeman. He laughed violently and his hand glowed red. All of a sudden he started shooting arrows from his red hand. The policeman dropped dead on the floor. His head decapitated, his chest pierced and bleeding and he had gone completely white. The other policemen put up their shields, prepared handcuffs and they ran up to the killer. They looked up at him, attempted to handcuff him but the attempt failed miserably as the killer just disappeared in an instant from the spot he was previously in, appeared in the doorway behind the policemen, and bit their necks one by one. All the neighbours saw the bodies of the policemen fly out of the door, as the killer slowly walked outside the door. He looked at the neighbours and smiled. They all screamed and ran off to the town hall for safety. The clouds in the sky then suddenly multiplied and turned a dark red colour; all of a sudden, another mysterious figure appeared from the clouds. This one was a red silhouetted figure who also shot arrows from his arms. Could he be a similar being? The neighbours noticed the new figure shoot at the killer, and they all walked slowly outside to watch. The killer was now paralyzed. The red figure then grabbed the killer, grasped him tightly and flew up into the air with him. The red figure then dived straight into the raging sea and there was an enormous splash. There was an explosion for a split second, and that was that. Everyone stared at the scene with their jaws wide open. They shook their heads and then ran back to their houses. As they walked in, they looked like they had just been sleepwalking and had woken up. They walked into their homes slowly and thought about the whole thing as if it were a dream. This paragraph is also way too long. Try to avoid going over ten sentences or so: fifteen should be the absolute maximum. You can split paragraphs when a small amount of time has passed or the subject changes. Keep this in mind for the rest of the prologues and as you continue to write.

The question still remains though. Why did the hooded man choose this house specifically? What was so special about this family that he couldn't stand? Did he know them? Was he ordered to kill them? No-one knew. Everyone just acted as if nothing even happened…

***​

The next morning, a young boy walked towards the house. This young boy was named Echo. Echo was 17 years old and had short, black hair with a red stripe. He wore a white top, a red headband, a black jacket with red buttons going down the middle, black jeans and white/red trainers. Echo walked through the park and smiles at everyone going about their daily business. He noticed something strange though. Everyone seemed to be hiding something. They all looked at him as he passed, with looks of sorrow on their faces. Something was obviously wrong. Echo decided to go straight home, rather than run his morning errands like he did every morning. As he walked down the steps to the docks, he stared at his house. Something was different. The door was open, the doorway was full of blood, the windows were smashed and parts of the house's exterior were on the floor. The house was crooked and there were leaves everyone. He rushed into the house in a panic, and saw the dead bodies of his sisters, his mother, his father and his baby brother. His entire family was dead.

He stared at the bodies, tightly shut his eyes and pinched himself. He opened his eyes, but nothing had changed. The bodies were there. It was real.

At that exact moment, Echo vowed to his family to avenge their death even if it meant risking his life…

Prologue 2: Katana of Victory​

I don't really understand why you have three prologues. Prologues are generally used to convey information not immediately necessary to the story, provide information out of context with the beginning of the story, and/or hook the reader. Ultimately, you should have just one. If you have three story arcs, handle them by alternating the POV between chapters or during chapters with an obvious break, such as this:

***​

In the Town of the ripped sky, there was a war in the town centre; The Red Fist Clan VS the Blue Knuckle Clan. Hiding in a bush was Masaru. An 18 year old boy with short white hair, a white Tunic with a Red Cross printed on, a longsword on his back, red trousers and black trainers. Masaru was closely watching his enemy's every move, as she was trying to find Masaru. Masaru drew out his sword and prepared for attack. He reached into his pocket, took out a smoke bomb and threw it hard onto the ground near the opposition. As the smoke got thicker, Masaru jumped down behind the enemy and uttered the words,

"you're finished Blue Knuckle!" and he stabbed her in the back of the neck. He took his sword out and took the black necklace from the dead body.

"Good work Masaru, you assassinated your enemy without being noticed. You're promoted to rank 7 of the Red Fist Clan. You know what that means; you can now assign yourself independent missions. I'll go to the trouble of finding a new member." Who's talking here?

"Thank you, Sensei. I'm most grateful." Replied Masaru, as he walked off into his cabin.

The next morning, the bell rang at 6:00am, and the entire Red Fist Clan shot out of bed for day 3 of the Clan War. "Ok Red Fists. You know the drill. The score stands at 4-4, thanks to Masaru for evening us out. As a result, Masaru has been promoted to Rank 7, and we have a new member. Meet Gorou. He'll be replacing Masaru." Announced Sensei

"Masaru will be observing the Clan War, and will be fighting as the Clan's representative against the Blue Knuckle's head honcho, Jump". He carried on. The bell then rang for 6:30am, and everyone left for outside to observe the Clan War. The 5 original Red Fist fighters had left by either death or promotion. Gorou was the only fighter left and he had been ordered to assassinate the one remaining Blue Knuckle Fighter. As the sun shined and the trees swayed in the breeze, everyone was anticipating when the Blue Knuckle would turn up. And sure enough, he did. He was wearing a black mask and a red cape. He wore the signature Blue Knuckle top, and the Blue Jeans. He took a weapon out of his pocket, locked on to Gorou, and threw the weapon at him. The battle had begun.

"Go! Metal Disc!" he cried, as he threw the weapon near Gorou to throw him off guard.

"I will raise my defence! Marvel at the incredible dimensional wall!" Gorou yelled. An enormous wall rose from the ground, and the Blue Knuckle's weapon was absorbed into Anti-Matter. Gorou then appeared behind Jonbi in a flash, and stabbed his hand into the Blue Knuckle's back. As Gorou took the necklace, the Blue Knuckle flew forward, into anti-matter. He was finished. Now all that had to be done was the battle between Masaru and Jump. As Gorou walked away into the cabin, he was accompanied by a thunderous applause.

"Masaru! Come down now! And bring your brother with you!" Need to specify who's speaking.

"What is it father? Has the time come for the final battle?" replied Masaru.

"How did you guess, Masaru? Get your coats, we have to leave as soon as possible."

"Of course father, watching my younger brother fight will be dazzling. After all, I did teach him everything he knows." Said Masaru's brother in a relatively smug manner.

"Stop saying that! You know I hate it." Masaru shouted.

"Look, kids. We have no time to argue, we have to get the Clan Site."

At the clan site, the battlefield was set. The prize was at the table and the two clans were either side of the stands. Finally, Masaru, his brother and their Dad pulled up. Masaru's brother and father joined the Red Fist side, while Masaru went to the Red side of the stadium. The lights turned on and the crowd started cheering; it was 9:00pm and Masaru was raring to fight. Masaru and Jump were staring each-other down waiting to start the battle. The referee shot the gun in the air, and the battle started.

"Summon! Great ball of fire!" screamed Masaru. A giant ball of fire shot from his hands directly at Jump. But at the exact second the fireball was meant to hit Jump, he dodged the attack. Jump then appeared in a flash of light in the sky, and shot down at Masaru. Masaru had been hit. He was shoved into the ground and surrounding by his own blood. Jump then shot hooks from his right hand and it went right through Masaru's stomach. The Red side of the crowd were on edge, and the Blue side were cheering and Jump was winning the fight. All of a sudden, Masaru appeared to spontaneously combust, but his wounds healed, and he shot into the air and continuously shot fire from his hands. Jump dodged every single one of them. Masaru then flew down, grabbed Jump and threw him down, but Jump wasn't hurt. He turned a light blue colour and the temperature suddenly dropped. It was fire VS ice.

"MASARU! YOU WILL NOT BE VICTORIOUS! I WILL WIN!!" screamed Jump at the top of his voice. Masaru didn't seem scared by this threatening sentence, as he appeared to know something that Jump didn't. He focused his fire at his hands and flew to Jump. Jump stabbed Masaru's face and froze it. The ice was weighing him down and he was suffering, but he smiled. He didn't take a direct hit for nothing. Masaru touched his face, opened his mouth and bared his teeth. He flew to Jump and crunched him with fiery teeth. Jump lost all his ice power and fell to the ground. Masaru let of all of his fire and floated safely to the battlefield. Masaru constantly punched Jump over and over again, and Jump bled a little more with each hit. When everything seemed to be at an end, there was an explosion outside the stadium.

Jump suddenly opened his eyes and gave a cheeky grin. "I win." He said. Jump's eyes then rolled back into his head and his chest started spilling blood. He got slimmer and slimmer. His heart was still beating, barely alive. The bleeding stopped, and Jump was dead. The crowd cheered and Masaru was given the Katana. The Katana of victory. Of course, Masaru's day didn't end a good one. He walked to the car; and there, in the car, was his dad's body, well, what was left of it. There were traces of petrol on his burned face, and there were footprints outside the car door. Masaru then realised that his brother was nowhere to be seen. Could he have done it? No... Surely not... Masaru had his doubts, but he had a strong feeling his brother could have been responsible for this. Masaru walked away; throwing his longsword onto the floor next to his dad's side of the car, and placing his shiny new Katana in the sword pouch at the back of his tunic.

Prologue 3: Escape of a bounty hunter.​

Deep in the Underground prison, a mysterious man was walking through the holding cells. As he walked over to a giant metal door, he took a card out of his coat and swiped it in the slot. The giant metal door opened to reveal a dark room; the man stared into the room and smiled as he walked in. A voice then whispered,

"You're here at last, M." It was a woman's voice.

"Nanami; you always were the impatient sort."

"Well it's hard to change when you're tied up in chains against a wall in white overalls."

"True, but you need to become better at your job. Bounty hunters signed up to the DuskBane industry are normally a lot more high-levelled than this."

"Sorry M, but this time it was out of my hands…"

M listened intently. See, it was unusual for Nanami to get caught, or for any DuskBane bounty hunter to get into trouble of any kind. Nanami is 18 years old, wears a black crop top and white jacket with red buttons, black skinny jeans and red converse; but not today, today she was in overalls chained up to a wall…

"So tell me Nanami. What happened?" asked M.

"Well, I was on a mission to burn down this prison, and I clearly got caught."

"In what way was that out of your hands?"

"Well for starters, I was blackmailed into it by Kaiser, and he said that if I didn't do this mission then he would kill me. Secondly, I was being watched by Kaiser throughout this mission, and so I had no chance of escape. As soon as I smashed a window in and threw in the petrol and matches, I was caught. I assume they've rebuilt the prison since I was thrown down here a year ago?"

"They sure have" replied M "It's fire-proof too… wait a minute. You failed your mission. Did Kaiser mention anything about that?"

"No, he didn't. But I assume I'm not in his good books."

"Don't worry Nanami. I'll make sure Kaiser can't hurt you."

As M freed Nanami from the chains and ran out of the room, he put on a pair of goggles and pressed a switch at the top. He grabbed Nanami's hand, and he ran straight through the dark prison corridor.

They were quickly stopped by guards, though, and as much as they tried to escape, they couldn't. It was take to take drastic measures. "It's time to release my Wicked Psych!" M cried. M and Nanami staring glowing a bright, white light that surrounded their entire bodies. The guards started burning, and they then disappeared. M and Nanami started running again, wall kicking against the concrete walls and cracking parts as they went.

The corridor was very haunting, as there were cobwebs everywhere, and spiders scuttling up and down the walls. Occasionally, a convict or two would shiver violently as spiders crawled down their clothes and onto their bodies.
As soon as M and Nanami left the basement floor, the alarm sounded and security started appearing from everywhere. M constantly attacked them with his wicked psych, but more and more were coming. Eventually, they got tired and became an easy catch.

They had been caught by security and this time they were helpless. As they were being dragged away, the floor started to shake, and the ceiling started to crumble. Suddenly, a figure appeared in the smoke. It was Kaiser. He shot at the Security member with a needle. The security member let go, and M and Nanami were free.

"Come on you two. You're more useless than I thought you'd be" Said Kaiser.

"We're not useless; this place just has really high security now."

"I think Nanami's to blame for that one, M".

"Urgh, come on! Let's just get the hell outta here!" Shouted Nanami as she got up and scrubbed her overalls with her hands.

When they got outside, they looked back at the prison, and marvelled at the site as it came down again.

"So M. When you infiltrated the area to rescue me... you killed all the guards from the 1st floor up?"

"I sure did. It was easy too. A quick slash of my longsword and BAM! They're dead." Replied M enthusiastically.

The outside of the prison was full of moving spotlights, barbed wire, prison guards and police dogs. Around it were dead trees and a muddy pond. Occasionally, a mud fish could be seen swimming across the pond. A Vulture swooped down, grabbed a worm and flew up to a tree to feed the worm to its chicks. This was the furthest most convicts got, before being attacked by a dog or pecked by a vulture.

Kaiser walked over to his car and unlocked the doors. M and Nanami got into the back of car, and Kaiser closed the door and started the engine. As he drove away, the car tyres splashed any nearby guard with mud. The car quickly drove out of the prison grounds, and zoomed off into the night...

"When do you s'pose Kaiser's gonna be back with Nanami and Morgan, eh?"

"Can't really say boss, he left last night for 'em and still ain't back. Surely it takes less than 8 hours to drive back her from the prison?"

"Not too sure, but whatever time they come back, I just hope Nanami's alive. That prison's nasty. Kaiser had no right doin' what he did, Morgan should fire 'im."

"What's that noise boss? It can't be them, can it?"

"It's gotta be, they've been on the way back for 8 friggin' hours."

Surely enough, it was in fact Nanami, Kaiser and Morgan. Nanami was the first to walk in, still in her overalls. "Sorry we're late, we got... caught up," said Nanami.

"Caught up? Nanami you're 8 hours late. What could POSSIBLY stall you for 8 hours?" yelled the boss.

"Well... you'll understand when you see M and Kaiser."

"Nanami, when you're in headquarters, you can refer to 'M' as Morgan. You're not undercover anymore, and go get changed, I got somethin' to tell ya."

"Ok boss. Morgan and Kaiser will be up any second now, I'll go get changed."

"Urgh... sometimes I hate being the head of Kaiser's department... and I thought bein' in charge of that other guy was bad enough. Now I'm in charge of TWO blunderin' half-wits."

The Boss was a big man. Fat, you might say. He was a bounty hunter himself, and had an impressive 150 completed missions under his belt. He had hardly any hair (covered by a blue cap), a white shirt with braces, scruffy jeans and black shoes. He always had a cigarette in his mouth and rarely left his office.

His office was also an impressive place. With red/yellow wallpaper, a red carpet, a chandelier on the ceiling and tables on every side to keep his decorations on. He had a fish-tank with half-a-dozen neon tetra, a Lizard, a Salamander, a spider crab and even several wood geckos.

The Boss had fallen asleep waiting for Kaiser and Morgan. They then burst through the door and looked at the Boss. "Sir, we're back" Whispered Kaiser.

"What? Who's... oh, you guys..." Boss replied disdainfully.

"As you can see, we freed Nanami. She's safe and sound."

"That's great Kaiser. But you're late. I can't believe I'm managing your squad you fool. Morgan, sir, thank you for doing this; Nanami is urgently needed... only a bounty hunter of her skill can do this," replied the Boss.

"No problem. I'll assign her this mission straight away," said Morgan promptly. Morgan turned towards the door, grabbed Kaiser by the hand and walked out.

Morgan's full name was Morgan Duskbane. He was the head of the Duskbane Industry and ultimately had power over "the Boss". He had wild hair, a white jacket, jeans and trainers. This was an extremely clever disguise though, as normally he had a black hat, a white cape with the letter "D" in front of a black lightning bolt imprinted on it, a white top with a sharp collar, black jeans, trainers and a metal claw where his hand used to be. He used his teenage appearance to fool onlookers when he was in public, and transformed into his real form when he was within the DuskBane building.

As Morgan and Kaiser walked down the long, windy corridor, they both switched to their true forms. Morgan switched from the teenager with crazy hair, to a badass bounty hunter in a hat; while Kaiser transformed from a teenage look with generic clothes to a man full of muscle. He had a scanning lens on his right eye, a ripped top, a six-pack and two iron-fists; His full name? Kaiser Ironfist. They both walked down the corridor and into Nanami's room.

"Nanami."

"What is it, Kaiser?"

"It's time to assign you your mission."

"Tell me more..."

 

[Sydian]

I just wanted to pop in to say that you have some of the best reviewers on this forum trying to help you, and you're not taking the constructive criticism the way it should be taken. They're not sitting here telling you, "oh well this story sucks," they're trying to help you out with the spacing in the story and the definition of prologue and why this thread went where it did. The advice they're giving is supposed to help you. In posting your story, you should have known that it wasn't going to be perfect and flawless; even published novels get flack from readers. But that's all I have to say; I'm more of a retired reviewer these days.

And like the old saying goes, if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

 

[JX Valentine]

If I may...

Now, let's discuss my story please.

Because you seem to like responding to constructive criticism about the simplest, most given things with writing by telling us we're wrong, you're actually turning away potential reviewers. As txt said (and I've repeatedly brought up), no one will want to read your story if it's difficult to get through, and part of this has to do with whether or not your story is in a massive wall o' text. I've already gone over when you should create new paragraphs and when you don't, so I'll just motion to my earlier posts.

In the meantime, attitude towards reviewers trying to help you gets you negative responses. People who see that will be less likely to want to say anything (save for those of us who are persistent) because it's clear that you don't actually want feedback. I mean, if you're so resistant about changing the little things, what does that say about your potential to change the larger things, right?

Or, in shorter terms, you'll really want to change the way you're responding to reviewers if you want to get the kind of feedback you're looking for. I never would have expected someone to snap at bobandbill (who has really been one of our sweetest reviewers all over these forums), so that says a lot about how you're interacting with us to me.

 

[Astinus]

Size 7 font is really not necessary.

Now, let's discuss my story please. Anyone who fails to do so should stay away from this thread or they'll be reported for spamming.

Good luck with that. The reviews that you've had have been discussing your story. They've been talking about the format of the story, helping you achieve a good clean format. Without a good clean format, no one can actually read the story, and you won't receive reviews on the story itself if no one can read it.

Also, when you respond with size 7 font and capslock (the Internet's form of yelling), you deter reviewers. Especially when that's your response to people telling you that you should remove centered font and paragraph properly for the forums. Both of those are simple things and standard for posting stories online.

Jax's advice of perhaps lurking more will help you out. Each writing community is different, but there are standard practices for posting stories online and how to receive feedback. While not all advice is good or wanted, you should still be polite to those who have reviewed because they are only trying to help you out. Responding them in the way that you have hurts yourself because it makes you appear as though you don't appreciate reviewers.

As I said, if you want people to comment on the story, they need to read it first. People have told you that they are unable to read what you have posted and have told you how to fix the problem. Following that advice will help attract readers to your story. Accepting those who have responded with polite gratitude (even if you don't honestly like the advice) will attract readers.

-

Also, as advice, the second paragraph of your first prologue is rather boring to read. Pretty much each sentence starts with "The [subject]" and nobody really seems to react. It's all pretty much telling the reader what's going on. Rework the scene so that you're showing the reader what's happening so that they don't get bored with the story. Include some dialogue from the characters, even if it seems pointless. Make the scene come alive for readers.

And I agree with txty. Those paragraphs are long and could be difficult to read on a computer screen. Work on them to help the tone of the story (so that readers don't become bored with what they're reading) and to help the length of the paragraphs. Because there are some missing paragraph breaks where you could have them.