Four days and no replies? :(
Umm...dude, there are people in this section who spend weeks (or sometimes months) with no replies and since we're still on holiday time it's bound to affect forum activity.
Seriously, have some patience and spend a bit more time checking your grammar before you post chapters. You've almost got more errors than I can count. -.-
My name is Aaron Beckford. I left home at the age of twelve. I soon got caught by an evil set of grunts in red costumes with a black "M" printed on the jackets. I awoke a while later in a hidden base with upgraded technology. I soon found out where I was, the Team Magma base. I was slaved and they starved me for days. Once they realised I could withstand torture, they acquired me for the team and I started training to be a grunt. I soon had a passion to complete the main mission of Team Magma, expand the land. I am now one of the top grunts at Magma awaiting further glory as we continue our mission.
Ummm...yeah, this prologue is not really earning its keep, imo. The purpose of a prologue is to show something to your reader that would not naturally fit into the main storyline but which is important for the reader's understanding of said storyline, or -- optionally -- to influence the reader's view of the events in a manner you wish. (even if it's to mislead) What you're doing here, however, is introducing your main character, which is what the first chapter is for. There's really nothing here that couldn't be told within the actual chapters. You're also doing a bit too much of the telling and far too little of the showing. You
say that he's been tortured, starved and whatever, but because you just list it in the same casual manner that one could apply in a "What I did on my holiday" essay, these event are sort of losing their effect. So rather than, for instance, saying 'I was tortured', you can
show the consequences of that torture in Aaron's mindset, in the way he narrates the story, in some of the remarks he makes.
That is what I'm missing most here, by the way; a clear narrative voice. The biggest asset of first person is the ability to really give an in-depth account of a character's inner world, to not just
say that he feels one way or the other but to let the reader
see that in his way of describing things (not to mention what he choses to describe or -- as the case may be --
not describe). As it is, you're not really taking advantage of that, which makes me wonder why you chose to write first person in the first place. Also, your style of writing first person is very repetitive. You've got basically every sentence starting with 'I' and that's...just not going to work. "I did this. I did that. Then I did this." is the way you write on your first English lesson, but for proper fiction you're really going to need a more varied approach. Try taking a look at some published works written in first and see how they handle it. There used to be a guide for basics on First Person writing around the forums somewhere, but I can't find it anymore. x.O
Anyways, Aaron's past seems sort of dubious.
Why did the Magma people abduct some random twelve-year old?
Why did they bother to torture and starve him for ages just to get him into the team when there are many who would join out of their own free will because they genuinely believe in the cause? And while we're on that subject, how does being tortured and starved make you a believer? I mean sure, I could see it breaking someone's will down and getting them to be obedient, but genuine belief is a whole different kettle of fish. I'm going to need some in-depth exploration of the psychological processes that led to that before I believe it. (It
can be explained, but what you have here is not enough to convince)
I then started to go through my routine schedule on a morning: brushing my teeth and having breakfast. I looked in the mirror to see if my hair was okay, it lacked style. I got some gel and stuck up my dark brown hair. I then checked to see for any creases in my magma uniform, a scarlet red jacket with the "M" logo embedded onto it and my trousers which matched the jacket, they were both fine.
There is a lot of really weird use of language going on here. First off: "routine schedule on a morning". Doesn't this phrase sound weird to you? It should. A schedule is a list of things to do and time to do them, going through a schedule means checking what has been listed, but it doesn't mean actually doing any of the things on that list. I also don't really get what you mean by that 'on a morning'. As it is, this means that he's checking his list of things to do on some unspecified morning that may be this morning but may just as well be any other morning and that's just plain confusing and not at all suitable. Just say "morning routine".
You've also got some comma abuse here. The bit after "morning" is a list of what is included in Aaron's routine, and as such the correct punctuation mark to use is a colon. Commas are used for a variety of roles, but this isn't one of them. Speaking of his routine, "brushing teeth" does not specify whose teeth Aaron is brushing. He may be brushing his own, but it might as well be that he's some kind of psychopath who carries around a collection of teeth stolen from his victims and brushes them on a daily basis. Specify
what teeth are being brushed, please. Also, while the comma in a list is indeed filling in for the word 'and', the connection between the last two items on the list should still be 'and' instead of a comma. Since you have a list with only two items it shouldn't have a comma at all.
The comma before "it lacked style" is also incorrect. As a general rule: I'd say don't use commas unless you have a specific rule to support that decision. The comma is a multi-purpose tool, yes, but it's also very easy to abuse and when you just start dropping commas wherever the result turns out incredibly messy.
So yeah, look up the rules for comma use and take a refresher on them. You have quite a bit that's just...off. x.O
I slipped on my white Nike trainers and opened my blinds. The sun beamed a wonderful light and a slight breeze shifted through the air. I realised today was Saturday, my only free day to do whatever I wish.
Umm...I think the underlined bit isn't saying what you think it's saying. With the current wording, that's saying that Aaron lost his balance due to his -- presumably slippery -- white Nike trainers. If you meant to say that he put them on his feet then that should be "slipped into" or something. In a similar vein, "my blinds" implies that the blinds would be attached to Aaron, which is sort of weird. I'd say opened "
the blinds" or something to that effect.
His realization is also sort of random and out of the blue...
what made him realize that it's Saturday? The sunlight? The breeze? Something he saw? Human thought processes aren't random like that; there's got to be something, somewhere that made his mind go "Saturday, stupid! You don't have to work today.". This is
first person, so where are his thoughts and feelings? x.x
I, once ready with Poke balls and other equipment, proceeded to shove my door open and walk to the elevator.
This sentence just looks...unnatural. The 'ready' there looks off because we don't get to know what he was doing with poké balls (standard is to us the 'é' rather than 'e' to distinguish it from the word 'poke') and other equipment, so we don't really have a clue of what he's ready with. Do something about that. I also don't see the need to cram the 'I' in there; it looks needlessly complicated to me. Just make the part about the poké balls and other equipment an introductory clause, drop a comma at the end and then continue with "I proceeded...". As with the blinds, "my door" also implies that the door is attached to Aaron. (unless it's a metaphorical door, as in 'my door is always open', but then that makes no sense either)
Inside the elevator seemed to be the only room in the whole base not painted red with the Magma logo included.
This sentence looks even weirder. Inside, in the capacity you're using it here, is a preposition; not a noun, so the 'seemed' has nothing to refer to. I believe you've confused it with "The inside of the elevator". The "with the magma logo included" bit also doesn't work. There's really no eloquent way of phrasing this unless we go with something like "The inside of the elevator seemed to be the only room in the whole base that wasn't painted red and didn't bear any Magma logos" (And yeah, finding an own, grammatically correct way to rephrase this is
much preferred). Also, while having little observations like this is nice, I'm left missing Aaron's reaction to it. How does he feel about this one room that isn't clear magma-aligned in its interior? Does he like it or does it make him feel uncomfortable? Are there some specific memories associated with this room that is apparently so different from the rest? Just...why does Aaron find it
relevant to mention that the interior of this room is different from the rest?
Think of it this way: if I told you about how I went to my grandparents house for Christmas and found that there's a cracked floor panel on the far-right corner of their bathroom (and described this panel in great detail), wouldn't you find yourself asking why on earth I bothered to share that detail with you? Remember that this is told by Aaron; not an omniscient narrator. As such, the parts of the environment and the people around him that would be related are the ones he considers relevant for his story; the rest he would take for granted because describing them wouldn't even cross his mind (I.e. They're just
there, as far as he's concerned, same reason you wouldn't think of describing every floor panel you've walked across when relating a story of your own). Physical description is usually far more limited in first person because it's a personal account and thus more focused on the feelings and opinions of the narrator.
The whole building seemed very repetitive as it had the same ornaments, shelves and other items around. I got out of the Elevator onto the ground floor and looked straight for the door, I walked towards it with a strange figure next to me covered in a white sheet.
Okay, yeah, you have some thoughts on the decor here. That's a start, but you still haven't given any indication of whether he considers the elevator a change for the better or for the worse. The last sentence is another weird one...just, why are you bothering with the whole 'looked for the door' thing? That seems like redundant information when you could just say that he headed straight for the door when a figure covered by (by, not in. You can be covered in a liquid/semi-liquid substance like water or cream, but you're covered
by a solid one) a white sheet appears next to him.
"Nice try, James" I laughed as I pulled the sheet off. Under the sheet, as you may have guessed, was James, my only friend at Team Magma. James had blonde, messy hair and was about 4''10, an inch taller than myself.
"How did you know?" James asked me. I scoffed at this question as it was quite clear he was under the cover from my view. "It's clear, who else would follow me around with a cheap white sheet to scare me?"
I replied. James laughed at his ridiculous idea and then he turned his face to me, "B'ball?"
He said in an asking tone. I yawned at the idea. In all three months I had been here the only thing we did in free time was play basketball and I was starting to get bored of it. "Want to go to Mount Chimney? It's only just outside and there is rare fire pokemon up for grabs." I suggested. I walked through the door as I awaited an answer from James. "Fine, I better find a Torkoal though." He replied. James then followed me through the door. Outside wasn't much of a sight despite the sun's rays. Ash fell from the top of the volcano at Mount Chimney.
Nevertheless, I wanted to run up to the mountain, James ran after me and looked determined about something. "What are you so focused on?" I asked. James kept on running as he answered, "I'm focusing on beating you in a race up to the mountain!" I grinned and started running quicker than before. I was far ahead of James despite him being thin and quick. It didn't take long to get from the base to the mountain as the base was located at the foot of the small mountain. Once I got to the top I looked back to see James lagging behind.
"Slowpoke!" I shouted down at him.
Urgh, major paragraphing issues here. >.< Whenever the speaker in a conversation changes, you take a full-line paragraph. Also, all writing related to the quotation should be on the same line as that quotation (unlike now, when you've got a loose 'I replied' among others). Let's start by properly paragraphing this:
"Nice try, James" I laughed as I pulled the sheet off. Under the sheet, as you may have guessed, was James, my only friend at Team Magma. James had blonde, messy hair and was about 4''10, an inch taller than myself.
"How did you know?" James asked me.
I scoffed at this question as it was quite clear he was under the cover from my view. "It's clear, who else would follow me around with a cheap white sheet to scare me?"
I replied.
James laughed at his ridiculous idea and then he turned his face to me, "B'ball?" He said in an asking tone.
I yawned at the idea. In all three months I had been here the only thing we did in free time was play basketball and I was starting to get bored of it.
"Want to go to Mount Chimney? It's only just outside and there is rare fire pokemon up for grabs." I suggested. I walked through the door as I awaited an answer from James.
"Fine, I better find a Torkoal though." he replied. James then followed me through the door. Outside wasn't much of a sight despite the sun's rays. Ash fell from the top of the volcano at Mount Chimney.
Nevertheless, I wanted to run up to the mountain, James ran after me and looked determined about something. "What are you so focused on?" I asked.
James kept on running as he answered, "I'm focusing on beating you in a race up to the mountain!"
I grinned and started running quicker than before. I was far ahead of James despite him being thin and quick. It didn't take long to get from the base to the mountain as the base was located at the foot of the small mountain. Once I got to the top I looked back to see James lagging behind.
"Slowpoke!" I shouted down at him.
And yeah, plenty of small things to address here. First off, please just drop the "as you may have guessed". Sorry, but that's just plain patronizing, and patronizing your readers isn't a good move. Unless of course Aaron is a condescending, patronizing type person in general, but since nothing else in this narrative has given any indication of that this bit just felt like a slap to the face.
Second, the 'me' in "James asked" isn't really necessary since we have been given no indication of there being anyone else there. Thus, it's self-evident that the question is directed at Aaron.
Third, the "I replied" isn't really necessary either. You don't need to underline that they're saying things with each exchange; that's just needless repetition.
Fourth, 'asking' is not an adjective, so there's no such thing as an 'asking tone'.
Fifth, "in all three months" is incorrect. That should be something like "For the past three months all we had been doing in our free time" or, since the three months is all they've got, "We had never done anything in our free time except play basketball". Ehh...something like that. Also, specify
who's free time.
Sixth, I don't see why you saw the need to use that "only" when "just outside" would have done just fine. It's also...sort of odd to turn your back and walk off if you're waiting for a response from someone and since there are many pokémon up for grabs that should be 'are' rather than 'is'.
Seventh, you've got a needless repeat of information with the mountain bit. You've used both 'base' and 'mountain' twice in the same sentence and that just looks...redundant. Rephrase, please. I also sort of doubt classifying Hoenn's only noteworthy volcano as a '
small mountain'. This is the one whose top you had to ride a tram car to, remember? That doesn't sound particularly small to me.
That aside, paragraphing again. Because of how tedious that last bit was to sort out, I'll just quote these separately, splitting where I think the paragraph changes should be. Keep your paragraphs small; it makes your fic easier to read.
I turned back around to see a Growlithe sitting in a small lake of lava. I hadn't caught a pokemon before, my current two pokemon were given to me. Now was my chance for capture. I took a scarlet red ball from my belt with the "M" embedded onto it and tossed into the air. Out came Monferno, my Orange, with blue stripes in places, monkey with a lit tail. The Growlithe hadn't noticed me or Monferno yet so I decided to take it by surprise, "Okay, Monferno try a mach punch with fury!" I ordered.
Okay, no offense but...sitting in a lake of
lava? If this were a pokémon that's supposed to be adapted to such an environment (like Slugma or Magmar),
then I'd buy it, but fire type or no, your average Growlithe wouldn't do well in a lake of lava. If nothing else, the surface is not at all conductive for Growlithe's method of movement. How's the poor thing supposed to move in there? And of course that's not getting into the fact that a lake of lava would radiate such high temperatures that Aaron couldn't go anywhere near it without getting burned to a crisp. x.O
Second, though it's nice that you gave some kind of description of Monferno, the current presentation looks sort of awkward, especially the 'with blue stripes in some places' bit. I'd consider rephrasing that sentence. I'm also slightly weirded out about how a low-level grunt would get their hands on a rare pokémon species all the way from Sinnoh when most of them get a Poochyena or a Numel. You'd think that the rare ones go to high-ranking team members. You should explain Aaron being in possession of such a rare pokémon at some point.
Monferno charged up to Growlithe and punched it across the face before it could defend itself. The dog, Growlithe, looked more red than orange as it got furious. It tried to attack Monferno with a weak fire attack but it didn't have enough strength to pull anything off against it's own type. "Same again, Monferno!" I shouted.
You misspelled 'across' and since this is a past tense narrative, that should be 'punched'. Also, what's 'a weak fire attack'? This smells like telling rather than showing to me. Rather than saying that it's a weak attack, you can let your reader 'see' that by describing how it's blowing a few embers at Monferno or something. You're also repeating Monferno's name way too often during this battle scene. Use alternative expressions, please; the constant repetition is really spoiling the scene.
Monferno again charged up to the Growlithe and threw a punch. The Growlithe wasn't quick enough to dodge it, despite being alert. Growlithe reversed Monferno's efforts into it's own attack and punched Monferno back, Monferno suffered a knock back from this effect.
First off, your 'again' is in the wrong place. That would be "Monferno charged up to Growlithe again". Personally I'd also change that latter part to an adverbial phrase like ", throwing another punch.". That semicolon is also an ill fit here. A semicolon is used to imply a relationship between two ideas (e.g. "I don't want to go play outside; it's cold and I have reviews to write."), usually serving as an implied 'because'. However, there isn't really such a relationship between Growlithe's reflexes and Monferno throwing the punch. Thus, no semi-colon. Also, there's really no way for a Growlithe to punch anything or anyone since Growlithes have no hands.
Monferno scratched the Growlithe four times in succession and Growlithe laid on the floor. 'Now is my chance' I thought to myself. I whipped out a second Magma Ball and tossed it at Growlithe. Growlithe, despite being weak, attempted to get out, making the ball shuffle continuously. After five rolls it stopped, it was a capture. "Yes!" I shouted in ecstasy.
Ground, surely? Volcano surfaces typically don't come with floors. Also, commas on both sides of the "despite being weak". It's a nonessential clause (I.e. side-remark) because it can be removed without significantly altering the meaning of the sentence and nonessential clauses in the middle of a sentence typically have commas on both sides. :3
Okay, yeah, I just realized that if I keep fine-combing your grammar every step of the way this is going to be a very frustrating process for both concerned. x.x Most of what you've got is basically repeats of the same problems I've already covered above. So please, pretty please, study up on basic grammar and double-check you writing. Your sentence structuring is off in a lot of places and at times you seem to be saying completely different stuff than what you probably think. English is a flexible language, but because of this flexibility it can also go horribly wrong if you're not careful about what you're doing. :\
So yes, content time. Now, exploring Team Magma from the inside so-to-speak is an idea I approve of. The team's agenda got a very superficial treatment in the games, so there's definitely potential for something there.
That being said, you're not really making use of it. Aside from the brief period of angst over his failure in the third chapter (much-needed emotional description, by the way, so good on you for including it.) Aaron has really shown nothing in the way of team mentality. Neither have you provided much insight into the team's inner workings and all the other interesting stuff you could have gone wild with. The briefing is the only real team procedure you've described; the rest (minus the team uniforms and choice in locales) could just as well have been part of your average OT/Adventure fic with two friends going off on little adventures together.
There is also a number of logic breaks here. Aside from the vaunted 'lake of lava' that a Growlithe somehow stood on, the disc plot (while working on that type of TM sounds very much like something Team Magma would do and isn't a bad idea in itself) doesn't make much sense. First off: if this TM is so valuable, why would some random Aqua grunts be handling it? And why would they even bother battling over it instead of just smashing it right from the start? Finally, why would a pair of low-ranking grunts be allowed to fool around on a mission of this magnitude? You'd think that Thabita or whatever admin had been assigned to it would be keeping the lot of them on a
very tight leash to avoid screws-ups (like the one that resulted in the TM being broken). I also doubt that any explanation in the world would let them escape some serious disciplinary action for failing to recover something that the team has invested so heavily in. x.O
There's also the issue of their pokémon that I already mentioned earlier. Aaron and James both have evolved forms of starter pokémon (two each, no less). Not only are these, by canon, very rare species, but they are all native to different regions too. A region-anchored team like Magma would be hard-pressed in even obtaining them (and they'd have to risk angering the good gentlemen of Team Galactic and whatever neo Rockets are out and about too), so handing them out to two rank amateurs when standard species like Numel, Poochyena, Slugma and Zubat abound in the wilderness around the base seems very far-fetched. Common sense would dictate that the high-ups have first dibs on the rarer species. So yeah, I'm going to need a
very convincing explanation before I'm satisfied with that one.
Finally, about the prologue...having read these three chapters I must really ask: does the abduction and torture bit serve some important plot purpose? Because honestly, nothing in Aaron's manner seems consistent with this kind of past trauma. He seems to be just your average kid who's -- for some obscure reason -- working for the ebil team. I dunno', without the blunt exposition of the prologue I'd have guessed that the whole talk about 'the good of humanity' or the neat uniforms just appealed to him. =O
So yeah, I'd say give it a lot more description on Aaron's thoughts and feelings (you seemed to have the right idea with the description of Aaron's worries at the beginning of chapter three, but you're just not keeping it up) and more attention to the fact that they are, in fact, working for team Magma. I mean, they were certainly very vocal about their high and noble causes in the games (wouldn't know about the anime since I haven't been following that), so I find it odd that a team of people who like to delude themselves into thinking they serve the cause of justice isn't making more noise about it. (You know, big, inspiring speeches for the end of briefing and all that x3) Event-wise, you seem to have enough, but you aren't spending enough time on each event and you've got a bit of a habit of telling rather than showing. The pokémon have also displayed no personality whatsoever thus far, and that's alarming. Remember, pokémon are characters just like humans, and even though they might not be able speak their mind about things to exhibit it, you can still bring it out by describing their actions and expressions.
So yeah, more showing and less telling. I'd suggest checking the stickies too, particularly Hanako's grammar advice thread. :3
