[Other Original] Moonlight Eyes

[pastelspectre]

Technically not original? But I didn't know what to categorize it as.

Based off the writing prompt: "Your father is forcing you to marry someone you have never met. The night before your wedding you tie your sheets together and make your escape through the window. Halfway down you make eye contact with someone doing the exact same thing a few windows over."
The original character is not named and is gender neutral, intended so all readers can enjoy the story.






You felt the cold breeze of the wind blow against you, causing you to shiver. You weren't really planning on escaping, not really. It was just a spur of the moment thing. You see, your father was trying to force you to marry someone you'd never met. However, from what you've heard, they were a horrid, wretched person. They had a habit of throwing things when angry. They would punch walls or even hurt anyone around them when angry. However, this was all just speculation. What you'd heard from the grapevine.

You didn't want to take your chances though. That's why when you were supposed to be sleeping the night before your wedding which you were absolutely not looking forward to, you hatched an escape plan. It wasn't a very good one. Not really. But it was something, some sort of plan that would get you away from this horrible marriage that you didn't ask for. You got your sheets and tied them together, throwing them out the bedroom window. You slowly started to make your way down when suddenly heard some noises, and a yelp. Someone whimpering and whispering to themselves.

You hesitantly look over and make eye contact with... oh god why was your heart beating so fast? The person had gorgeous short ginger hair. Sort of like a pixie cut, and the most gorgeous green eyes that shone in the moonlight. Forcing yourself to tear your eyes away from them, you looked them up and down and saw they were... oddly doing the same thing you were.

Trying to escape. From what exactly, you didn't know. You could tell though even from here, that their body was shaking, trembling with what was most likely fear. You look down at the ground from where you were. It was at least a few feet away, since your parents lived in such a luxurious house that had many floors and your room just happened to be on the third floor. You took a deep breath, closing your eyes, and let go of the rope.

You felt the grass beneath your feet, oh how you loved the ground right now. You also felt immense pain in your ankles however. You'd really regret that in the morning. Right now though, all you could focus on was helping that gorgeous person out. You gritted through the pain, going as fast as you could to where the ginger haired person was. Soon you were below where they were trying to escape. You'd probably get in so much trouble for this if you were to get caught. That's not important right now though.

"H...hey! Are you okay?" You harshly whispered, hoping it would be loud enough for the person to hear. Luckily somehow they did and they shook their head and you could see their body tremble with fear again. You shook your head and then couldn't believe what came out of your mouth next, "let go of the rope. I'll catch you." If you were to by some miracle be able to catch them, you'd both get hurt a lot. Luckily, the ground wasn't too far from where they were. You heard the person above you gasp, probably from what you said and saw them hold onto the tied up sheets even more.

You figured they must've said some encouraging things to themselves, because just a few moments later, they let go of the sheets. You held your arms out, closing your eyes and bracing for impact. Soon enough, you felt a heavy weight in your arms and felt yourself tumble to the ground.

The person lay in your arms, eyes clenched shut. You felt your heart flutter as they were so close to you. You weren't sure what this feeling was.

"Hey. It's okay, you can open your eyes now," you let them know gently. Hesitantly, the person opened their eyes and made eye contact with you yet again, causing your heart to beat a million miles per hour. Well, not that many, but you get what I mean. It seemed the person realized where they were because they soon scrambled to get up and cleaned off the dirt from their clothes. From here, you could see the many freckles scattered across their face. You felt your face heat up. However, looking them up and down more closely, you also saw many bruises scattered across their arms and legs. You sighed silently to yourself.

"H-hello..." the person said, "I'm Luna. Thank you.. for rescuing me. Without you, I'm not sure I could've gone through with this."

You felt your heartbeat quicken again as they spoke. Their voice was gorgeous. It sounded like.. like music to your ears. You smiled widely, probably a bit too wide. "No worries, Luna," you reply, "I'm just glad that you're okay." You didn't want to pry so you didn't ask about the bruises. Instead, you linked your arm with hers and sighed. You could worry about the possible consequences later. Right now, you were just focused on getting away from here as quickly as possible. Even on foot. You saw Luna's face heat up as you linked your arm with hers.

"Cmon. Let's go on a journey together. I know it's a bit far fetched as we just met but... we don't have anywhere else to go, right?" You said to them, smiling softly.

Luna nodded and did a small smile back. You didn't know where you both were going. Where you belonged.

All you knew, is that you were both okay in each other's company. And that's what mattered right now.
Oh, and getting away from here alive. You sighed happily to yourself as you quickly walked away from the scene, walking towards the moonlight, arm in arm with Luna.

call it false hope, but you knew right now, hopefully, that everything would be okay come morning. You could take on anything with Luna.

 

[Bay]

So this sounds like a fun premise and I think the second person POV hwere works well for the most part. Yeah, arranged marriages like that are never fun. I would've like, um, "me" and Luna to talk and get to know each other a little more. Me questioning the bruises right now I can understand, though perhaps I would've liked Luna to react when they notice me seeing them.

A few other nitpicks writing style wise.

However, from what you've heard, they were a horrid, wretched person. They had a habit of throwing things when angry. They would punch walls or even hurt anyone around them when angry. However, this was all just speculation. What you'd heard from the grapevine.

This feels a bit repetitive with the "However" used twice and the mention of all of this being speculation. Perhaps you can take out the first "however" and have like, "From what you've heard..." etc and make it flow better.

I also noticed a few instances of using "felt." "You felt the grass beneath your feet", "you felt your heart flutter", etc. "Felt" is considered a "filler word" and makes the writing too passive. So for instance I first write "you felt your knees shaking" you would instead shortened it to "Your knees shook."

Hesitantly, the person opened their eyes and made eye contact with you yet again, causing your heart to beat a million miles per hour. Well, not that many, but you get what I mean.

The "Well, not that many, but you get what I mean." line is awkward in this type of narration. Perhaps something like, "Well, not that many, but your heart was racing like wild there."

Despite some criticisms, I still enjoy this very much!

 

[pastelspectre]

it's okay! i appreciate your criticism and i will take it in mind when i write another short story/prompt. i'm just still a bit rusty at it as i do not write nearly as much as i used to. but i appreciate your feedback!

 

[gimmepie]

Something I immediately noticed was that in your opening paragraph there's a bit of awkward phrasing.

You felt the cold breeze of the wind blow against you, causing you to shiver. You weren?t really planning on escaping, not really. It was just a spur of the moment thing. You see, your father was trying to force you to marry someone you?d never met.

This wording results in the main character, the reader, essentially explaining something to themselves that they as a character should already know.

You didn?t want to take your chances though. That?s why when you were supposed to be sleeping the night before your wedding which you were absolutely not looking forward to, you hatched an escape plan.

The bolded line is kind of superfluous. You've already made it clear that the reader character doesn't want to marry this person since you've shown us that we're escaping in the prior paragraph. You don't escape from things you're happy about.

You felt your heartbeat quicken again as they spoke. Their voice was gorgeous. It sounded like.. like music to your ears. You smiled widely, probably a bit too wide. ?No worries, Luna,? you reply, ?I?m just glad that you?re okay.? You didn?t want to pry so you didn?t ask about the bruises. Instead, you linked your arm with hers and sighed. You could worry about the possible consequences later. Right now, you were just focused on getting away from here as quickly as possible. Even on foot. You saw Luna?s face heat up as you linked your arm with hers.

You've left the gender of this person unspecified throughout the entire story until this point were you suddenly switch to using female pronouns. It's a bit strange. Was it intentional?

That last line sounds kind of repetitive.

?Cmon. Let?s go on a journey together. I know it?s a bit far fetched as we just met but... we don?t have anywhere else to go, right?? You said to them, smiling softly.

Luna nodded and did a small smile back. You didn?t know where you both were going. Where you belonged.

All you knew, is that you were both okay in each other?s company. And that?s what mattered right now.
Oh, and getting away from here alive. You sighed happily to yourself as you quickly walked away from the scene, walking towards the moonlight, arm in arm with Luna.

call it false hope, but you knew right now, hopefully, that everything would be okay come morning. You could take on anything with Luna.

I appreciate that you call out the absurdity of this choice of action yourself, but that doesn't really erase that this person who has literally just met the reader character has spontaneously decided to go on a full-fledged journey with no specified end destination. This is in addition to how close the characters feel to each other despite having literally only just met via a chance encounter makes it hard for the reader to suspend their disbelief and causes the ending to feel very abrupt, like you've jumped past a chunk of the story somehow. I think you could have found ways to send the pair off together without two total strangers making a long term commitment under the influence of adrenaline.

It's not all negatives though! You write some good action scenes (note: not action as in violence action as in the character doing something) like when the reader character is descending down the wall and you do a good job of describing the physiological responses to fear, attraction and the adrenaline pumping. Also I love the prompt.

 

[pastelspectre]

thank you!! the romantic interest being female was not intended and i did not mean to put the female pronoun there. my apologies. and yeah i have a lot of awkward phrasing and stuff. sorry ;; it's just hard cause i am still very rusty at writing since i do not do it nearly as often as i used to when i was a teenager.

i do appreciate your feedback, though. it will help me write my next story even better!