Scarlet Weather
The Game is Afoot!
- 1,823
- Posts
- 18
- Years
- In a House
- Seen Mar 20, 2016
Author's Note: Episode Four of Mystery Pokemon Theatre 3000- the first episode with Scarlet as host. Original content was by Gummy.
[The scene is the interior of the Satellite of Love. Andy and Syntax are both sleeping, as Jax sits motionless at a console. Suddenly she falls over, revealing that she, too, is asleep. There's a knock at the main room's door. None of the group responds. Finally, the door slides open and three people step in. The first is a rather large dog, with silver-blue fur. The other two are a Charizard and a Pikachu, the latter of which is holding a video camera.]
Scarlet (The Dog) [Sniffing the air]: Huh. Seems like everyone's unconscious.
Eddie (The Pikachu): No wonder. Three badfics in a row, with no outside help? It's a wonder they lasted as long as they did.
Char (the Charizard): We had enough problems surviving the one.
[Suddenly, Jax wakes up with a shock and stares at Scarlet and his partners.
Jax: …Just who the hell are you all?
Scarlet: Temps from the Institute. The Higher Staff sent us up to test the effects of bad fanfiction on the brains of animals, large reptilian Pokemon, and people who are already insane.
Eddie: HEY!
Jax: So, what, you're taking over? We can leave now?
Scarlet: That you should be so lucky. No, we're just taking over for a day or so until we get clearance to go back groundside. So… consider this your day off.
Jax: …Hmmmmmm….
Scarlet: Anyway, we'd better talk to the insane lady.
[The viewscreen flickers to life, revealing Astinus. Her Piplup army seems to be taking a break from feeding her sno-cones, and are instead genuflecting to her.]
Astinus: Good morning Jax! And…. Mutt.
Scarlet:[growling] I have a NAME, you know.
Astinus: Sure you do. Anyway, the badfic we got for you today is an extra-special one. Your assignment is to search it to see if there's any way I can use the sheer and utter generic-ness of it as part of my ultimate goal to destroy the minds of everyone on earth!
[Suddenly, an Alakazam teleports into the Satellite of Love, and hands Scarlet the fanfic, which he accepts in his mouth. Suddenly, the alarm sounds.]
Char and Eddie: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
Scarlet: Mmph! Mmmpfr Mmmm!
"A great danger has once again threatened our world... And like before, your kind will save us... I sense it... They are coming... The meteor was but a test... Their true objective will soon be clear... They came so many years ago... And now they are back to finish what they started...
Scarlet: "They"? So there're a bunch of EVIL villains coming after the team now?
The signs will soon show. First, the beast of the sea will awaken, and send waves crashing down on all coasts. Then, the beast of the lands will awaken, and create quakes that shall shake the entire cosmos. And finally, the beast of the sky will awaken, its emerald coated scales glinting in the sunlight, blinding any creature foolish enough to glance its way. And he shall set the world ablaze with beams of energy, as if the sky itself were falling...
Eddie: And there shall come among you in those days, a prophet, whose name shall be called "foreboding exposition", and he shall tell you of those things which are to pass within the story and of the one whom you must defeat to fix all this crap.
These three events happening chronologically will signify the beginning... of the end. All the legends will soon become involved, fighting over who shall rule and who shall fall. And then they will make themselves known... The False Legends!
Char: You shall know them by the zippers on their backs, and the fact that they shall speak unto you in high-pitched voices.
That is all the knowledge I may share with you. I will clear your memories of your former life... your former self. All you shall remember is your name and your species... your soon to be, former species anyway. Until your quest is complete, you shall be known under a new species. You shall be known as... a Pokemon."
Scarlet: So wait, why is he clearing out 'your' memories again?
Char: Entry fee into the world of Pokemon?
Eddie: Head Trauma?
Scarlet: Or it could just be because he's a wizard or something. They're notorious for doing things like this.
*************
I felt an irritating nudge at my side that just wouldn't stop. I opened my eyes slowly only to see that I was surrounded by a crowd of mysterious creatures. I turned slightly to my left to see to find out what was irritating me so. I saw what seemed to be a four-legged, mouse shaped creature with a cream colored belly, and blue backside. As I looked a little higher, I saw small holes on its back that were giving off a strange heat. That was when I began to think about the situation.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: "I really needed to stop ODing on heroine."
"What the- What the heck are you... things?!?" I shouted as I jumped to my feet.
"Now, is that any way to treat your rescuers?" said a thunderous voice from behind me, which would strike fear in the hearts of adults. It was obviously male.
Char: Well…. Huh.
Scarlet: Char? What is it?
Char: It's just…. I can't…
Eddie: Can't what?
Char: I can't mock this fanfic. It's not that I like it, it's just that it's not… ridiculous enough. I mean, so far all we've seen is the opening we've seen a hundred times in different forms for various console RPGs and the PMD series. Hero with amnesia, sudden wake-up call, ancient prophecy- it's well, it's trite but… not ridiculous yet.
Scarlet: …Well, the narrator seems devoid of any degree of personality and the first-person voice is extremely bland.
Char: I know! It's just… not… stupid. It's…. it's…
Eddie: Boring?
Char: Exactly! That's it! This fanfic is boring!
I turned to see a creature very similar to the first, but at the same time, very different. It also had that cream colored belly and blue backside. However, it stood nearly 5 feet tall and where I expected to see similar holes to be, I saw a blazing inferno giving off that same heat as before.
Scarlet: So let's see… creamy belly, blue backside, and fire coming out of "holes". That's got to be the most demented baboon I've ever seen.
Char: And it's a BORING baboon.
"I'll ignore that due to the crisis you just went through." he said.
Char: That extremely BORING crisis.
"Crisis? What are you talking about?" I replied, a little bit calmer.
Eddie: What? No wondering 'Where am I', 'What's going on', 'Who and what are you'? The narrator can seriously recover her bearings pretty fast.
Char: Because she's BORING.
Scarlet: Char….
"Man, you must have been in shock or somethin'. You were drowning in the river!" said the first creature, whom I could tell was a young male.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: "Of course, I had to pin him down and flip him over to check first."
The reply left me utterly confused and I immediately looked down to see if I was wet. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see...
Char: Something else that's boring, no doubt.
My skin was an unusual green and my arms where EXTREMELY short. I don't even know if you could call them arms anymore. I touched a bright red, diamond shaped area on my belly and noticed that I was as hard as a rock. I pushed the smaller creature aside in search for the nearest source of water, and heard I slight growl from the larger creature. I ran to the river I was "supposedly" rescued from and looked at my reflection in even more amazement. My eyes where the same red as the diamond shaped portion of my belly, and I noticed a small tail in the shape of an opened fan. I looked down at my small green feet and noticed I was only about two feet tall.
Eddie: Well, for someone who's extremely 'amazed' her narrative voice really isn't showing it.
"What have I become!" I shouted with all my might before finally collapsing...
Scarlet: The protagonist of your own video game!
I woke after what seemed to be hours. I observed my surroundings and noticed I was in a small hut. I stood up only to remember that I was only two feet tall.
Char: And boring.
Scarlet: Char, that joke is getting really old, really fast.
Char: So it's becoming boring?
Scarlet: Yes, it's- HEY!
"It's about time you woke up. You've been out for like... ever." said a voice from behind me. It was that small creature again.
Eddie: You mean the demon baboon?
"What's with you creatures and sneaking up on people?" I said, a little irritated that a boy, creature or not, was watching me this whole time.
Char: The narrator has done quite a bit to earn my "affection" so far. I can't decide what's more annoying, her paranoia or the fact that she's boring.
Eddie: I'm wondering if the creature did more than just "watch".
"Who you callin' creature? I'm a Pokemon and so are you! I'm a Cyndaquil to be more exact!" he ranted. The only part that caught my attention was when he said we were Pokemon. That word... It sounded so familiar but I was certain I had never heard it before.
Scarlet: So, hints of Déjà vu. Hmm… [he checks ahead]- nope, no actual foreshadowing. How odd.
"Can you... tell me more about these 'Pokemon'?" I said, eager to learn about what I've become.
Eddie: Yeah, your narration is doing such a good job of showing that excitement too.
"Man, you must've fallen pretty hard before, but ok. But first, tell me your name. Through your voice I can tell you're a female, but it's pretty hard to tell with Larvitars. I'm Zeke, by the way."
Char: Actually, it's pretty hard to tell if the narrator is a machine or not, let alone what the gender is.
Larvitar... That must be my species of Pokemon.
"My name... my name is Sapphire" I said, surprised that I even remembered it due to the fact that my mind was a total blank.
Scarlet: Figures that the main character void of any personality would be named after a rock.
"Hmm... Figures a half rock, half ground type Pokemon would be named after a gemstone. Well, lets get to explaining Pokemon!" he said with a jolt of energy. I could tell he anticipated the moment where he could share his knowledge with someone else.
Char: So one main character is void of personality, and the other is in vast need of Ritalin?
He spent the last few hours explaining every aspect of Pokemon. I learned of all types and their weaknesses. I kept all this in the back of my mind, knowing it would come in handy somehow. He told me about all the Pokemon species he knew and finally, about legendary Pokemon. That bit of information left me stunned because I felt as if I already knew it. I then explained that I don't remember ever being a Pokemon, and that I once was a human. However, that's where my tale ended as that was all I could remember.
Eddie [As the Cyndaquil]: "Now let me explain the miracle of life- see, when a boy Pokemon likes a girl Pokemon very much, and they're in the same egg group, they sometimes go to the local daycare and…"
"Hey, do you mind not telling anyone about me being... human. I don't want anyone thinking I'm weird or anything." I couldn't believe I was saying this. I was actually trying to fit in with this region of Pokemon. Although, it was probably because I had no memories of family or friends to go back to, which saved me from the pain of knowing I was away from loved ones.
Scarlet: …We're sure that the character's memories were ALL that was taken? Because it seems like her personality went with it.
"Your secret is safe with me, 'cause friends keep secrets!" he said with a grin.
Char: Wow, super-trusting, super-exuberant, and super-annoying.
Eddie: Say whatever else you want about this fanfic, it at least has contrast between its leads- one needs serious medication, and the other one needs a personality transplant. And possibly to get laid.
Friend... My first memory of a friend and I felt strangely overjoyed. Maybe this new life wouldn't be so bad...
Scarlet: It just occurred to me that I left the oven on back on earth. Maybe I should go and-
Eddie and Char: SIT DOWN, SCARLET.
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Zeke asked with a confused look.
Scarlet: Oh, sorry, I was just trying to figure out how one character can be this hyperactive and annoying.
"Oh, sorry about that." I replied, gaining back my sense or reality.
Char: So which was it?
Suddenly, the large pokemon from before, who I now know is a Typhlosion thanks to Zeke's explanation, rushed into the hut. He was holding a blue badge with a golden star in the middle that immediately caught Zeke's attention.
Eddie: Zeke is easily distracted by shiny objects.
"Holy Miltank! Is that what I think it is!?" Zeke shouted with excitement.
Scarlet: That depends. If you think it's a plastic toy from a happy meal, then quite possibly.
"You got it, son! It's your rescue badge!" replied the Typhlosion, equally excited.
Char: Great, now we have TWO ridiculously hyper characters.
Son? Well, I guess it made sense...
Zeke jumped forward, using his hind legs, and grabbed the badge from his father.
Eddie: As opposed to jumping forward and using only your front legs?
"Now I can start my own rescue team, just like you dad! But where am I going to find anyone in the village at my low level, willing to go on rescue missions?"
Scarlet [As Father]: "The Lord shall provide, my son."
"You've already found one." He said looking my way, as if the statement was directed at me.
Char [As Zeke]: "But Dad, I don't wanna partner with a rock!"
Eddie: Yep, sure, send the kid out into a dangerous career with only an amnesiac with possible brain damage to help him. Yep, that's EXACTLY what a good father does.
I stared back at him until I finally understood what he was talking about. "Whoa, whoa – hold up a sec. Are you saying you want me to partner up with Zeke?"
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: "I'm just not sure I'm ready to enter such a committed relationship."
Char: Hey, she registered an emotion beyond blind shock. Maybe she DOES have a personality.
Eddie: Nah, Can't be.
Zeke had told me about rescue missions and teams, and that the team must have at least two rescuers. He also said that almost all missions required Pokemon battling, due to the recent disasters causing Pokemon to become outraged. To use an attack, all you had to do was know its name and wrap your mind around it. I could probably use the most common attack, tackle, but that was about it.
Scarlet: So…. Pokemon go nuts during natural disasters and attack people for no reason. Suuuuuurrrrrre.
Char: Because no video game is complete without random encounters.
And then, with a sudden change in tone, the Typhlosion said, "There's been a lot mission popping up and the current amount of rescue teams can't handle it. My team will be gone soon on an S-rank mission and the village needs all the help it can get until we return." I could tell he was serious about this.
Eddie: Sorry, but going on a S-Rank mission doesn't give you the right to attack grammar.
With some deep though, I replied, "Oh... okay. But don't expect me to do much battling."
Now that I was a Pokemon, I don't think I could simply attack another Pokemon with the intention of seriously hurting it.
Scarlet: As opposed to before, when you had absolutely no problem with it?
"That's okay with me; you'll be the rescuer while I cover you with my attacks." Zeke said with a smile. He was probably just happy that he could even start a rescue team.
Char: I'm ecstatic. Really.
Then, with a slight grown, the Typhlosion said, "No Zeke, that's not okay. You have yet to raise the flame on your back, which means you can't use fire type attacks."
Eddie: Don't worry, I'm sure that once he hits puberty Zeke won't have such a problem with getting it up.
Scarlet: Well, that has to be the farthest we've ever made it through a fanfic without a double-entendre.
The smile on Zeke's face disappeared just as fast as it came as he darted out of the hut. I ran after him only to stop at the entrance and look back at the now frowning Typhlosion.
Char: Zeke doesn't like his dad telling the girls about his erectile function disorder.
'No father should have to shoot down his son's dreams' I thought to myself as I left the hut.
Scarlet: Because, you know, providing his son a license to start a rescue team is shooting down his dreams, all right.
Char: Maybe they mean Zeke's dreams of getting laid?
I found Zeke on the eastern edge of the town, looking at a bulletin board.
Eddie [As Zeke]: "Ooooooooh…. Shiny."
"What 'cha doin'?" I said softly as I approached him.
Scarlet: No consistency in word choice and dialogue style. Bad sign.
"I'm looking for a mission for us to go on." He replied, simply
Char [As Zeke]: "Hopefully the client is offering some viagra as a reward for completion."
"What are you talking about? We're not ready to go on a mission!" I shouted
Eddie: Yay, another emotion registered. So she's not a robot, she's just PMSing.
"Of course we are. Why would dad get me so exciting, and then tell me I'm still not ready?"
Scarlet: Because your dad is a cocktease?
I thought about it for a second and said, "Maybe it's because he thought I knew how to battle."
Char: Because rescue teams capable of taking on S-Rank missions are composed of people dumb enough to think that an amnesiac is perfectly capable of taking care of their son?
"I talked to you about battling and I know you can do it" he said, still fixated on the bulletin.
Eddie: The board is so shiny that Zeke cannot tear his gaze away.
"Rescue missions aren't games! Both the rescuer's and the victim's lives are at-."
Scarlet: Actually, so far this fanfic is basically a video game heading for the opening level.
"Okay! Found one!" He said, cutting me off and disregarding my comment. He then read the mission brief out load:
Char: As opposed to reading it in load?
Client: Raichu
Mission location: Mt. Steel
Mission objective: My Pikachu friend went on a traveling journey a few days ago and told me she would contact me through Pidgey Mail once she got through the mountain. However she has yet to contact me. Please, someone save her.
Mission Rank: C"
Scarlet: Wow… that's rather large font. Did the mission take up the entire board, or something?
"Are you out of you mind!" I shouted. "There's no way we can do this. Your father doesn't even think we're ready for a D-rank mission!"
Eddie: …Which he explicitly stated…. Where, again?
"So let's prove him wrong!" he shouted back, finally looking at me.
Scarlet: Hey, if we're lucky maybe everyone will die!
"Follow me!" he ordered as he ran to an empty lot. I follow him until he stopped.
Char: In front of a Ford pickup parked in the empty lot, no doubt.
"It's getting late, maybe we-." I was cut off again as Zeke charged at me and hit me right on the diamond-shaped area on belly. I staggered back a few feet before regaining my balance.
Eddie: Hey, Zeke hates Sapphire almost as much as we do!
"Hey! What was that for!?" I yelled with a growl.
Scarlet [As Zeke]: "You disrespected the shiny board, and you know the secret of my erectile dysfunction. Now you must die."
"We're having a battle idiot. I'm going to show you that we both can fight" he said before charging at me again, this time even faster.
Char: Because injuring your partner is the best way to prepare for a rescue mission, no doubt.
I narrowly dodged the attack and scratched him on the nose as he passed by.
Eddie: Let's see… how boring is this battle so far?
Char: Boring-o-meter measures it as "Bored Stiff", so thankfully it has just enough excitement to keep it above the lethal level.
'Maybe I am ready for battles' I thought to myself getting ready to use a tackle of my own.
Scarlet: Because you managed to dodge the attack of another completely inept fighter? Apparently being largely without a consistent personality hasn't given the narrator any type of logical abilities to compensate.
I rushed toward him when he opened his mouth wide and released a smoke so thick you'd think the sun's energy had just burned out. I discontinued my attack and coughed violently while searching for my opponent. Then, out of the thickness of the smoke, Zeke appeared and hit me square on the belly, sending me flying straight in to a rock. I struggled to stand up only to discover that my heel was now bleeding.
Char: The part of Sapphire will be played by Achilles.
"Okay, okay! I surrender!" I shouted to the thick, black fog.
Eddie: Then Zeke killed her, the end.
All: At least, we wish.
Within seconds the fog disappeared and Zeke was sitting on top of a rock with a huge grin.
Scarlet: Zeke enjoys beating up invalids.
"How do you like my smokescreen attack?" he teased before noticing the cut on my heel. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you bleed."
Char: Zeke's a Cyndaquil, right? And Sapphire's skin is rock hard? So…. How did he manage to injure her, again?
Eddie: He practices the ancient martial art of the fist of Deus Ex Machina.
"It wasn't you, it was this damn rock!" I replied with a smile on my face. I knew this meant we couldn't go on the mission tonight.
Scarlet: Oh, so the rock did it- which either means Zeke hit Sapphire hard enough that she shattered the rock on impact, or it was super-jagged. We don't know. Could be either. Could be both.
Char: Does it really matter?
Scarlet: Regrettably, no, but trying to figure out the odds of each is actually more fun than reading the battle sequence itself.
"Well, see you tomorrow night for the mission!" he said before darting off to the hut. He suddenly stopped, turned my way, and shouted, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My dad checked out a room for you at the hotel on the north side of town. Just tell the Noctowl that Jack sent you and he'll show you to your room!"
Eddie [As Zeke]: "And don't worry about the noises in the next room, that's just Dad cutting a deal with the local mafia behind closed doors."
I just stood there, more stunned that he still wanted to go on the mission than the fact that his dad spent money on me.
Scarlet: …Because the fact that he won made you think that he'd give up his goal or something?
After a few seconds of silence, I regained my sense of reality and ran to the northern part of town. After following Zeke's instructions, I was led to my room where I laid on my small bed.
Char: And did nothing interesting. Much like what you'll be doing for the remainder of the fanfic.
'That battle wasn't so bad. I felt a sudden rush while battling like it was my destiny or something. Maybe Zeke was right. Maybe we could make this rescue team thing work out.' I thought to myself before drifting off into a much needed sleep...
Eddie: ….Sapphire's a complete idiot, isn't she.
Scarlet: Took you long enough.
I woke up the next morning filled with energy. I dashed out of the hotel and saw Zeke talking a fox-like Pokemon with brown and cream-colored fur.
Scarlet: "Talking" here meaning "Chatting up"?
"Good morning, Zeke!" I shouted as I approached them.
Char: And now Sapphire's in need of Ritalin.
"Hey Sapphire! I'd like you to meet my long time friend, Seth." he replied, pointing at the Eevee next to him.
Eddie: But I thought Sapphire was his best friend?
Scarlet: Zeke is everybody's best friend.
"Nice to meet you, Sapphire." he said with a cool, calm voice as if we knew each other all our lives.
Char: …Which is in contrast to meeting someone for the first time, when you flip out?
"Likewise," I then turn to Zeke and whispered, "So, you ready for tonight?"
Eddie [As Zeke]: "Yep, I've got the condoms ready, all we need to do is head to the love hotel."
"Ah yes, you two are going on a rescue mission tonight." Seth said, just as cool and calm as before. I was a little surprised until I saw his fox-like ears shaking rapidly. Those big, pointed ears probably couldn't miss anything.
Scarlet: But can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
"Wait... how do you know we're going on a rescue mission?"
Char: Well, you did just say those ears wouldn't miss anything.
"Well, because I'm coming with you." he replied with that cool and calm tone once again.
Eddie: Uh oh. Trouble in paradise.
"Zeke! We're supposed to be a team. You can't make decisions like adding a new member without consulting me first!" I shouted, glaring at Zeke who seemed to flinch from my stare.
Scarlet: A word to the wise, Zeke- never start a threesome without the third member's knowledge.
"Zeke made the right choice. Pokemon as weak as you two wouldn't last five minutes in Mt. Steel." His tone was starting to annoy me.
Char: Come to think of it, shouldn't Sapphire be HAPPY that Zeke invited someone else? The other day, she was concerned that they wouldn't be able to complete the mission, and now she's all "KTHNX, WE CAN HANDLE IT."
Eddie: Maybe this is her stunt double?
I charged at Seth, in hopes of showing him that I was ready for any battle. I was only about a foot away from him when he dodged to the left and hit me with a tackle of his own. His attack was much stronger than Zeke's from the previous night, but my rock-hard skin seemed to absorb most of the impact and damaged him a little at the same time.
Scarlet: Because as we learned from Zeke, randomly attacking your future team mates right before a big mission is the best way to handle any dispute.
"I'm sorry my friend, but your physical attacks will hurt you more than they hurt me!" I shouted, charging at him with another tackle.
Char: That's funny, Zeke beat the crud out of you with them last time.
Then suddenly, with his fox-like tail, he swept up some dust from the ground and shot it at my eyes. I immediately stopped my charge and violently rubbed my eyes to get the dust out. Seth, who seized the moment, came running at me with blinding speed and hit me square on the bright red, diamond-shaped patch on my stomach. As the attack sent me flying, I noticed that he didn't flinch from attacking me this time.
Eddie [As Seth]: "FALCON… PAWNCH!"
"It seems someone has a weak spot." he said, walking slowly towards me.
"Okay guys, that's enough. I need both of you for the mission tonight." Zeke finally said, interrupting the battle.
Char: And when Zeke is the only one smart enough to keep an eye on the big picture, you know the entire fanfic is going downhill fast.
"Whatever, I believe I've proved my point about you guys being weak."
Eddie: …Because you got a single cheap shot in a battle with a total rookie, you're so much stronger?
Seth walked over to me and helped me up but I simply pushed him aside and shouted, "I'm going for a walk!"
Scarlet: Alright- first things, being a four-legged animal myself I've got to wonder HOW Seth helped Sapphire up, exactly. And second, is it just me or is Sapphire PMSing much?
"Meet us in the center of town at sunset!" Zeke shouted as I darted off to the west.
Char: …Because traveling to a giant mountain at night is a good idea.
This was the first time I had actually taken a look around the village. All of the houses were made of logs from oak and elm trees. The houses were held together with a sticky, transparent slime. I turned to my left to see a house being built across the road. I saw a pink Pokemon, who stood about four feet tall, with a cream-colored belly with pink stripes. It opened its mouth and released a tongue that stretched out about three fourths of its height. With its super long tongue, it licked the log violently and stuck on another log. Amazingly, the saliva held tight and kept the logs attached.
Eddie: ….Did the author just engage in Worldbuilding? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
'That's disgusting' I thought, noticing that the very foundation of this village was a Pokemon's saliva.
Scarlet: Well, it's disgusting to me that this fanfic's foundation is a main character who is a PMSing girl turned into a Larvitar for no apparent reason, but you don't hear me complaining… oh wait.
I continued my walk and noticed a huge sign near, what seemed to be, the entrance to the village. In big letters, the sign said: Welcome to Grace Town, where adventures begin!
Char: Grace Town has a tourist industry, I presume.
I glanced at the sun and saw that it was slowly setting. I dashed toward the center of the town, eager to get this mission over with.
Eddie: …How did it get late so fast?
Scarlet: Time-lapse photography?
I saw Zeke and Seth sitting near a huge, obsidian rock. It must have been sacred to the village as it was the only of its kind, and it had strange writing on it. I noticed a small bag tied around Seth's tail which probably was filled with food for our travels.
Char: …So because it's an odd rock… it must be sacred? Huh?
Eddie: WARNING- THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ROCK.
"It's about time." Seth said, nodding at me.
The time was finally here! We were finally going on a rescue mission! We were exiting Grace Town when I decided to take one last look.
Scarlet: …Talk about 180 degrees. Does Sapphire even REMEMBER the fact that she thought Zeke had a death wish the other day?
"See ya tomorrow morning" I said softly before catching up with Zeke and Seth.
Char: I'm hoping a Steelix eats them before then.
Scarlet and Eddie: Agreed.
It took about 2 and a half hours, but we finally arrived at Mt. Steel. The mountain sides were comprised of both many different rocks and many different metals. It stood so high that the top of the mountain couldn't be seen with the naked eye. I looked to my right and saw a cave opening that probably led deep into the mountain, and maybe even through the other side. I ran towards it as the others followed. That was when I noticed the horrible truth.
Eddie: Sapphire realizes that she's stuck in a PMD generic fic.
Char: Sapphire realizes just how boring she really is, and stops telling everyone about her adventures. That's how this ends…. Anytime now.
"Uh guys... What part of the mountain is Pikachu in?" I asked frantically.
Scarlet: Oh, just follow the screams of pain and I think you'll do alright.
"Are you serious? Why do you think this was ranked as C and not D? The client expects the rescuers to search the entire mountain." Seth said with his cool and calm tone.
"The entire mountain? That'll take days!" Zeke shouted.
Char: If I'm forced to sit here that long, the higher staff are going to die.
"That's exactly why we're going to split up. I'll search the cave on my own while you two search the ledges for another entrance."
Eddie: ….Seth's just getting them out of the way so he can finish the job alone, isn't he.
Scarlet: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
"Who died and made you leader?" I muttered under my breath.
"I heard that." he shouted while running into the cave.
Char: Of course he did, his massive ears give him an automatic plus five on his listen check.
"Well, it's just us two now." I said, turning in Zeke's direction.
Eddie: Let's see if Zeke's eighteen charisma can make up for his erectile function disorder, shall we?
Scarlet: Eddie, you're a sick little rodent.
Eddie: Thank you.
"Then lets get started." he simply said before running along the side of the mountain, looking for a way to get to a higher elevation.
Char: Sure, running along the sides of sheer slopes is easy. The Matrix said so!
We must've ran at least 50 feet around the mountain before finding a huge tree very close to a mountain ledge. We climbed the tree and from the top, hopped on the ledge. Soon enough, we found an opening just big enough for the both of us to fit through.
Eddie: Dea Ex Machina?
Scarlet: More like "God out of the hole in the mountain."
The interior of the mountain was just as incredible as the outside. The walls were lined with multi-colored, glinting gems that illuminated the entire area. There were many ledges and ridges that could easily be used to get to a higher or lower elevation.
Char: Welcome to level one of this video game: The obligatory dungeon made from natural crystals.
"Maybe this mission won't be so hard." I said with a smile on my face.
Eddie: Cue the obligatory sudden dilemma.
"Oh yeah, well think again." said a voice behind us. It was an eerie, robotic voice that pronounced every syllable perfectly.
Scarlet: Unlike all the other characters, who slur their words?
Both I and Zeke turned around to see Pokemon... or at least we thought it was one. It was a small, silvery gray sphere with an eye in the middle. It had two magnets attached to it and was floating off the ground.
Char: I was going to say it was Magnemite, until I read the bit about the eye and realized it was a metal Cyclops. MAGNEMITE HAVE SCREWS PEOPLE. NOT EYES.
It swooped in low to tackle us at an amazingly slow speed. I seized the opportunity and jumped up in the air and stomped his little metal body into the ground. He levitated back up for a retreat only to be hit by a pretty powerful tackle from Zeke. He lied unconscious on the floor as me and Zeke ran past him remembering the mission objective.
Scarlet: Sapphire must have rolled a natural twenty when she attacked.
"And Seth says we're weak" I said as we picked up the pace a bit.
Char: ...Question- just why did the Magnemite attack them?
Eddie: It was a random encounter. Anything you meet in a random encounter wants to kill you. Honestly, Char, you'd think you'd never played an RPG in your life.
We figured Seth would be checking the underground areas so we kept going up. We were about 75 feet above the ground when we came to a huge boulder blocking a ledge that we needed to jump on to if we hoped to get any higher.
Scarlet: So they turned around and went home, the end.
Char and Eddie: We wish.
"Hey, come over here." Zeke whispered.
Eddie: Zeke wants Sapphire to help him test the potency of the Viagra he just took.
I turned towards him and saw that he was pointing at an opening in the wall. We both squeezed through the opening and continued our trek up the mountain side until we found another opening to the interior.
Scarlet: How… convenient. What, is the mountain designed explicitly to let people in?
We were now at nearly 100 feet when we saw it. A small, yellow mouse-like Pokemon with bright red cheeks, pointed ears and a lightning shaped tail lying unconscious on the ground. It was surrounded by three of those weird Pokemon from before.
Char: Uh oh. Boss battle time.
"Aww man, Pikachu's a really in a bind." I whispered, trying to figure out how we could handle this. Sure we could take out one of those guys but for these guys to be placed as guards, they must've been pretty strong. Let alone the fact that there were three of them.
Eddie: If they're doing this because they're upset… why bother posting a guard?
"Hey Zeke, maybe we-." was all I was able to say before noticing that he wasn't even there. I scoped the room and saw that he was standing right in front of the weird Pokemon. He looked at me and jerked at the Pikachu, as if he was signaling something. I immediately caught on and nodded. He then ran in the opposite of the direction of the Pikachu, with all of the weird Pokemon following him.
Scarlet: If they're supposed to actually be guards, they must really such at their job.
'I guess he was right about him doing the battling while I rescue' I thought as I ran as fast as I could to the Pikachu.
Char: Who was already dead by the time she got there, ridding the world of another useless rodent.
Eddie: HEY!
I poked it a few times before it finally opened its eyes and stared at me as if I were an angel.
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: "Then I poked it a few more times just for the fun of it."
"Please tell me you're here to help me." said the Pikachu with a faint, female voice.
Eddie: For you, babe, I would do anything.
Scarlet: Eddie, I thought we had a talk about ogling badfic Pikachu.
Eddie: …Nobody understands me.
"Don't worry; we'll get you out of here." I said, helping her to her feet.
"Thank you so very much. My name is Silk, by the way. Will you honor me by telling me the names of my rescuers?" she whispered. I could tell she was very weak and exhausted.
Char: Trust me, being rescued by these two is NOT an honor.
"Oh, I'm Sapphire. That Cyndaquil over there is-." I immediately stopped as I saw Zeke's motionless body only a few feet away. The Pokemon surrounding him were lighting up with electricity, preparing for the final blow.
Eddie: …Wow, his distraction worked for all of, what, five seconds? This guy's pathetic.
"Zeke!" I shouted as I ran to his side and glared at the three magnet Pokemon.
Scarlet: Sapphire prepares to give the three Magnemites a stern finger-wagging and a lecture.
"What a waste of talent. A fire pokemon that can not even use fire-type attacks. We will be sure to make this as quick and painless as possible." said one of the Pokemon before the entire group discharged their electricity, aiming for Zeke.
Char: …They do have a motive for this, right?
Eddie: Well, they might hate Zeke as much as we do.
Char: Now there's a thought.
Then, without thinking, I leaped in front of Zeke and took the attack head on. To my surprise the electric attack didn't hurt much at all. I then remembered that Zeke told me skin of rock and ground type Pokemon conducts electricity worse than rubber. However, the triple shock made me wince a little.
Eddie: You sure it wasn't just your main character shield kicking in?
"You... you saved me." Zeke whispered.
Scarlet: To our everlasting regret, yes.
"Hey, I bet you'd do the same for me." I turned to Zeke to see a big smile with a hint of anger towards the magnet Pokemon.
Char: Oh boy, she jumps in front of him and he's suddenly fully recovered?
Zeke, with a confident look on his face, stood up and got in an attacking position.
Eddie [pulling out trading cards]: Let's see… I switch my "hyperactive Cyndaquil" into attack position. Response?
Scarlet [Also pulling out trading cards]: Er…. Chain Threatening Roar.
Eddie: Curses!
"I hate rock and ground type Pokemon. We might not be able to hurt you, but we'll kill that Pikachu and Cyndaquil." said the magnet Pokemon from before, glaring at me.
Char: …Why, again?
Scarlet: They're obviously the mid-boss of the dungeon, Char. They HAVE to attack the player characters.
Suddenly, the magnets on the three Pokemon started glowing with a white light that drew the three Pokemon together. Then, when the three Pokemon were joined, their entire body's lit up with a white light that illuminated every corner of the room. When the light faded, I could see the three Pokemon were tightly stuck together, and electricity jumping around the newly formed Pokemon's body. Zeke had also told me about Pokemon evolution, but I never thought I'd see one up close.
Eddie: And… cue the boss battle theme. [Generic RPG battle music begins playing.]
[The scene is the interior of the Satellite of Love. Andy and Syntax are both sleeping, as Jax sits motionless at a console. Suddenly she falls over, revealing that she, too, is asleep. There's a knock at the main room's door. None of the group responds. Finally, the door slides open and three people step in. The first is a rather large dog, with silver-blue fur. The other two are a Charizard and a Pikachu, the latter of which is holding a video camera.]
Scarlet (The Dog) [Sniffing the air]: Huh. Seems like everyone's unconscious.
Eddie (The Pikachu): No wonder. Three badfics in a row, with no outside help? It's a wonder they lasted as long as they did.
Char (the Charizard): We had enough problems surviving the one.
[Suddenly, Jax wakes up with a shock and stares at Scarlet and his partners.
Jax: …Just who the hell are you all?
Scarlet: Temps from the Institute. The Higher Staff sent us up to test the effects of bad fanfiction on the brains of animals, large reptilian Pokemon, and people who are already insane.
Eddie: HEY!
Jax: So, what, you're taking over? We can leave now?
Scarlet: That you should be so lucky. No, we're just taking over for a day or so until we get clearance to go back groundside. So… consider this your day off.
Jax: …Hmmmmmm….
Scarlet: Anyway, we'd better talk to the insane lady.
[The viewscreen flickers to life, revealing Astinus. Her Piplup army seems to be taking a break from feeding her sno-cones, and are instead genuflecting to her.]
Astinus: Good morning Jax! And…. Mutt.
Scarlet:[growling] I have a NAME, you know.
Astinus: Sure you do. Anyway, the badfic we got for you today is an extra-special one. Your assignment is to search it to see if there's any way I can use the sheer and utter generic-ness of it as part of my ultimate goal to destroy the minds of everyone on earth!
[Suddenly, an Alakazam teleports into the Satellite of Love, and hands Scarlet the fanfic, which he accepts in his mouth. Suddenly, the alarm sounds.]
Char and Eddie: WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!
Scarlet: Mmph! Mmmpfr Mmmm!
Mission Pokemon
Prologue: A Blessing in Disguise
Prologue: A Blessing in Disguise
"A great danger has once again threatened our world... And like before, your kind will save us... I sense it... They are coming... The meteor was but a test... Their true objective will soon be clear... They came so many years ago... And now they are back to finish what they started...
Scarlet: "They"? So there're a bunch of EVIL villains coming after the team now?
The signs will soon show. First, the beast of the sea will awaken, and send waves crashing down on all coasts. Then, the beast of the lands will awaken, and create quakes that shall shake the entire cosmos. And finally, the beast of the sky will awaken, its emerald coated scales glinting in the sunlight, blinding any creature foolish enough to glance its way. And he shall set the world ablaze with beams of energy, as if the sky itself were falling...
Eddie: And there shall come among you in those days, a prophet, whose name shall be called "foreboding exposition", and he shall tell you of those things which are to pass within the story and of the one whom you must defeat to fix all this crap.
These three events happening chronologically will signify the beginning... of the end. All the legends will soon become involved, fighting over who shall rule and who shall fall. And then they will make themselves known... The False Legends!
Char: You shall know them by the zippers on their backs, and the fact that they shall speak unto you in high-pitched voices.
That is all the knowledge I may share with you. I will clear your memories of your former life... your former self. All you shall remember is your name and your species... your soon to be, former species anyway. Until your quest is complete, you shall be known under a new species. You shall be known as... a Pokemon."
Scarlet: So wait, why is he clearing out 'your' memories again?
Char: Entry fee into the world of Pokemon?
Eddie: Head Trauma?
Scarlet: Or it could just be because he's a wizard or something. They're notorious for doing things like this.
*************
I felt an irritating nudge at my side that just wouldn't stop. I opened my eyes slowly only to see that I was surrounded by a crowd of mysterious creatures. I turned slightly to my left to see to find out what was irritating me so. I saw what seemed to be a four-legged, mouse shaped creature with a cream colored belly, and blue backside. As I looked a little higher, I saw small holes on its back that were giving off a strange heat. That was when I began to think about the situation.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: "I really needed to stop ODing on heroine."
"What the- What the heck are you... things?!?" I shouted as I jumped to my feet.
"Now, is that any way to treat your rescuers?" said a thunderous voice from behind me, which would strike fear in the hearts of adults. It was obviously male.
Char: Well…. Huh.
Scarlet: Char? What is it?
Char: It's just…. I can't…
Eddie: Can't what?
Char: I can't mock this fanfic. It's not that I like it, it's just that it's not… ridiculous enough. I mean, so far all we've seen is the opening we've seen a hundred times in different forms for various console RPGs and the PMD series. Hero with amnesia, sudden wake-up call, ancient prophecy- it's well, it's trite but… not ridiculous yet.
Scarlet: …Well, the narrator seems devoid of any degree of personality and the first-person voice is extremely bland.
Char: I know! It's just… not… stupid. It's…. it's…
Eddie: Boring?
Char: Exactly! That's it! This fanfic is boring!
I turned to see a creature very similar to the first, but at the same time, very different. It also had that cream colored belly and blue backside. However, it stood nearly 5 feet tall and where I expected to see similar holes to be, I saw a blazing inferno giving off that same heat as before.
Scarlet: So let's see… creamy belly, blue backside, and fire coming out of "holes". That's got to be the most demented baboon I've ever seen.
Char: And it's a BORING baboon.
"I'll ignore that due to the crisis you just went through." he said.
Char: That extremely BORING crisis.
"Crisis? What are you talking about?" I replied, a little bit calmer.
Eddie: What? No wondering 'Where am I', 'What's going on', 'Who and what are you'? The narrator can seriously recover her bearings pretty fast.
Char: Because she's BORING.
Scarlet: Char….
"Man, you must have been in shock or somethin'. You were drowning in the river!" said the first creature, whom I could tell was a young male.
Scarlet [As Narrator]: "Of course, I had to pin him down and flip him over to check first."
The reply left me utterly confused and I immediately looked down to see if I was wet. Nothing could have prepared me for what I was about to see...
Char: Something else that's boring, no doubt.
My skin was an unusual green and my arms where EXTREMELY short. I don't even know if you could call them arms anymore. I touched a bright red, diamond shaped area on my belly and noticed that I was as hard as a rock. I pushed the smaller creature aside in search for the nearest source of water, and heard I slight growl from the larger creature. I ran to the river I was "supposedly" rescued from and looked at my reflection in even more amazement. My eyes where the same red as the diamond shaped portion of my belly, and I noticed a small tail in the shape of an opened fan. I looked down at my small green feet and noticed I was only about two feet tall.
Eddie: Well, for someone who's extremely 'amazed' her narrative voice really isn't showing it.
"What have I become!" I shouted with all my might before finally collapsing...
Scarlet: The protagonist of your own video game!
I woke after what seemed to be hours. I observed my surroundings and noticed I was in a small hut. I stood up only to remember that I was only two feet tall.
Char: And boring.
Scarlet: Char, that joke is getting really old, really fast.
Char: So it's becoming boring?
Scarlet: Yes, it's- HEY!
"It's about time you woke up. You've been out for like... ever." said a voice from behind me. It was that small creature again.
Eddie: You mean the demon baboon?
"What's with you creatures and sneaking up on people?" I said, a little irritated that a boy, creature or not, was watching me this whole time.
Char: The narrator has done quite a bit to earn my "affection" so far. I can't decide what's more annoying, her paranoia or the fact that she's boring.
Eddie: I'm wondering if the creature did more than just "watch".
"Who you callin' creature? I'm a Pokemon and so are you! I'm a Cyndaquil to be more exact!" he ranted. The only part that caught my attention was when he said we were Pokemon. That word... It sounded so familiar but I was certain I had never heard it before.
Scarlet: So, hints of Déjà vu. Hmm… [he checks ahead]- nope, no actual foreshadowing. How odd.
"Can you... tell me more about these 'Pokemon'?" I said, eager to learn about what I've become.
Eddie: Yeah, your narration is doing such a good job of showing that excitement too.
"Man, you must've fallen pretty hard before, but ok. But first, tell me your name. Through your voice I can tell you're a female, but it's pretty hard to tell with Larvitars. I'm Zeke, by the way."
Char: Actually, it's pretty hard to tell if the narrator is a machine or not, let alone what the gender is.
Larvitar... That must be my species of Pokemon.
"My name... my name is Sapphire" I said, surprised that I even remembered it due to the fact that my mind was a total blank.
Scarlet: Figures that the main character void of any personality would be named after a rock.
"Hmm... Figures a half rock, half ground type Pokemon would be named after a gemstone. Well, lets get to explaining Pokemon!" he said with a jolt of energy. I could tell he anticipated the moment where he could share his knowledge with someone else.
Char: So one main character is void of personality, and the other is in vast need of Ritalin?
He spent the last few hours explaining every aspect of Pokemon. I learned of all types and their weaknesses. I kept all this in the back of my mind, knowing it would come in handy somehow. He told me about all the Pokemon species he knew and finally, about legendary Pokemon. That bit of information left me stunned because I felt as if I already knew it. I then explained that I don't remember ever being a Pokemon, and that I once was a human. However, that's where my tale ended as that was all I could remember.
Eddie [As the Cyndaquil]: "Now let me explain the miracle of life- see, when a boy Pokemon likes a girl Pokemon very much, and they're in the same egg group, they sometimes go to the local daycare and…"
"Hey, do you mind not telling anyone about me being... human. I don't want anyone thinking I'm weird or anything." I couldn't believe I was saying this. I was actually trying to fit in with this region of Pokemon. Although, it was probably because I had no memories of family or friends to go back to, which saved me from the pain of knowing I was away from loved ones.
Scarlet: …We're sure that the character's memories were ALL that was taken? Because it seems like her personality went with it.
"Your secret is safe with me, 'cause friends keep secrets!" he said with a grin.
Char: Wow, super-trusting, super-exuberant, and super-annoying.
Eddie: Say whatever else you want about this fanfic, it at least has contrast between its leads- one needs serious medication, and the other one needs a personality transplant. And possibly to get laid.
Friend... My first memory of a friend and I felt strangely overjoyed. Maybe this new life wouldn't be so bad...
Scarlet: It just occurred to me that I left the oven on back on earth. Maybe I should go and-
Eddie and Char: SIT DOWN, SCARLET.
Chapter 1: Mission Impossible
"Why are you staring at me like that?" Zeke asked with a confused look.
Scarlet: Oh, sorry, I was just trying to figure out how one character can be this hyperactive and annoying.
"Oh, sorry about that." I replied, gaining back my sense or reality.
Char: So which was it?
Suddenly, the large pokemon from before, who I now know is a Typhlosion thanks to Zeke's explanation, rushed into the hut. He was holding a blue badge with a golden star in the middle that immediately caught Zeke's attention.
Eddie: Zeke is easily distracted by shiny objects.
"Holy Miltank! Is that what I think it is!?" Zeke shouted with excitement.
Scarlet: That depends. If you think it's a plastic toy from a happy meal, then quite possibly.
"You got it, son! It's your rescue badge!" replied the Typhlosion, equally excited.
Char: Great, now we have TWO ridiculously hyper characters.
Son? Well, I guess it made sense...
Zeke jumped forward, using his hind legs, and grabbed the badge from his father.
Eddie: As opposed to jumping forward and using only your front legs?
"Now I can start my own rescue team, just like you dad! But where am I going to find anyone in the village at my low level, willing to go on rescue missions?"
Scarlet [As Father]: "The Lord shall provide, my son."
"You've already found one." He said looking my way, as if the statement was directed at me.
Char [As Zeke]: "But Dad, I don't wanna partner with a rock!"
Eddie: Yep, sure, send the kid out into a dangerous career with only an amnesiac with possible brain damage to help him. Yep, that's EXACTLY what a good father does.
I stared back at him until I finally understood what he was talking about. "Whoa, whoa – hold up a sec. Are you saying you want me to partner up with Zeke?"
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: "I'm just not sure I'm ready to enter such a committed relationship."
Char: Hey, she registered an emotion beyond blind shock. Maybe she DOES have a personality.
Eddie: Nah, Can't be.
Zeke had told me about rescue missions and teams, and that the team must have at least two rescuers. He also said that almost all missions required Pokemon battling, due to the recent disasters causing Pokemon to become outraged. To use an attack, all you had to do was know its name and wrap your mind around it. I could probably use the most common attack, tackle, but that was about it.
Scarlet: So…. Pokemon go nuts during natural disasters and attack people for no reason. Suuuuuurrrrrre.
Char: Because no video game is complete without random encounters.
And then, with a sudden change in tone, the Typhlosion said, "There's been a lot mission popping up and the current amount of rescue teams can't handle it. My team will be gone soon on an S-rank mission and the village needs all the help it can get until we return." I could tell he was serious about this.
Eddie: Sorry, but going on a S-Rank mission doesn't give you the right to attack grammar.
With some deep though, I replied, "Oh... okay. But don't expect me to do much battling."
Now that I was a Pokemon, I don't think I could simply attack another Pokemon with the intention of seriously hurting it.
Scarlet: As opposed to before, when you had absolutely no problem with it?
"That's okay with me; you'll be the rescuer while I cover you with my attacks." Zeke said with a smile. He was probably just happy that he could even start a rescue team.
Char: I'm ecstatic. Really.
Then, with a slight grown, the Typhlosion said, "No Zeke, that's not okay. You have yet to raise the flame on your back, which means you can't use fire type attacks."
Eddie: Don't worry, I'm sure that once he hits puberty Zeke won't have such a problem with getting it up.
Scarlet: Well, that has to be the farthest we've ever made it through a fanfic without a double-entendre.
The smile on Zeke's face disappeared just as fast as it came as he darted out of the hut. I ran after him only to stop at the entrance and look back at the now frowning Typhlosion.
Char: Zeke doesn't like his dad telling the girls about his erectile function disorder.
'No father should have to shoot down his son's dreams' I thought to myself as I left the hut.
Scarlet: Because, you know, providing his son a license to start a rescue team is shooting down his dreams, all right.
Char: Maybe they mean Zeke's dreams of getting laid?
I found Zeke on the eastern edge of the town, looking at a bulletin board.
Eddie [As Zeke]: "Ooooooooh…. Shiny."
"What 'cha doin'?" I said softly as I approached him.
Scarlet: No consistency in word choice and dialogue style. Bad sign.
"I'm looking for a mission for us to go on." He replied, simply
Char [As Zeke]: "Hopefully the client is offering some viagra as a reward for completion."
"What are you talking about? We're not ready to go on a mission!" I shouted
Eddie: Yay, another emotion registered. So she's not a robot, she's just PMSing.
"Of course we are. Why would dad get me so exciting, and then tell me I'm still not ready?"
Scarlet: Because your dad is a cocktease?
I thought about it for a second and said, "Maybe it's because he thought I knew how to battle."
Char: Because rescue teams capable of taking on S-Rank missions are composed of people dumb enough to think that an amnesiac is perfectly capable of taking care of their son?
"I talked to you about battling and I know you can do it" he said, still fixated on the bulletin.
Eddie: The board is so shiny that Zeke cannot tear his gaze away.
"Rescue missions aren't games! Both the rescuer's and the victim's lives are at-."
Scarlet: Actually, so far this fanfic is basically a video game heading for the opening level.
"Okay! Found one!" He said, cutting me off and disregarding my comment. He then read the mission brief out load:
Char: As opposed to reading it in load?
Client: Raichu
Mission location: Mt. Steel
Mission objective: My Pikachu friend went on a traveling journey a few days ago and told me she would contact me through Pidgey Mail once she got through the mountain. However she has yet to contact me. Please, someone save her.
Mission Rank: C"
Scarlet: Wow… that's rather large font. Did the mission take up the entire board, or something?
"Are you out of you mind!" I shouted. "There's no way we can do this. Your father doesn't even think we're ready for a D-rank mission!"
Eddie: …Which he explicitly stated…. Where, again?
"So let's prove him wrong!" he shouted back, finally looking at me.
Scarlet: Hey, if we're lucky maybe everyone will die!
"Follow me!" he ordered as he ran to an empty lot. I follow him until he stopped.
Char: In front of a Ford pickup parked in the empty lot, no doubt.
"It's getting late, maybe we-." I was cut off again as Zeke charged at me and hit me right on the diamond-shaped area on belly. I staggered back a few feet before regaining my balance.
Eddie: Hey, Zeke hates Sapphire almost as much as we do!
"Hey! What was that for!?" I yelled with a growl.
Scarlet [As Zeke]: "You disrespected the shiny board, and you know the secret of my erectile dysfunction. Now you must die."
"We're having a battle idiot. I'm going to show you that we both can fight" he said before charging at me again, this time even faster.
Char: Because injuring your partner is the best way to prepare for a rescue mission, no doubt.
I narrowly dodged the attack and scratched him on the nose as he passed by.
Eddie: Let's see… how boring is this battle so far?
Char: Boring-o-meter measures it as "Bored Stiff", so thankfully it has just enough excitement to keep it above the lethal level.
'Maybe I am ready for battles' I thought to myself getting ready to use a tackle of my own.
Scarlet: Because you managed to dodge the attack of another completely inept fighter? Apparently being largely without a consistent personality hasn't given the narrator any type of logical abilities to compensate.
I rushed toward him when he opened his mouth wide and released a smoke so thick you'd think the sun's energy had just burned out. I discontinued my attack and coughed violently while searching for my opponent. Then, out of the thickness of the smoke, Zeke appeared and hit me square on the belly, sending me flying straight in to a rock. I struggled to stand up only to discover that my heel was now bleeding.
Char: The part of Sapphire will be played by Achilles.
"Okay, okay! I surrender!" I shouted to the thick, black fog.
Eddie: Then Zeke killed her, the end.
All: At least, we wish.
Within seconds the fog disappeared and Zeke was sitting on top of a rock with a huge grin.
Scarlet: Zeke enjoys beating up invalids.
"How do you like my smokescreen attack?" he teased before noticing the cut on my heel. "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you bleed."
Char: Zeke's a Cyndaquil, right? And Sapphire's skin is rock hard? So…. How did he manage to injure her, again?
Eddie: He practices the ancient martial art of the fist of Deus Ex Machina.
"It wasn't you, it was this damn rock!" I replied with a smile on my face. I knew this meant we couldn't go on the mission tonight.
Scarlet: Oh, so the rock did it- which either means Zeke hit Sapphire hard enough that she shattered the rock on impact, or it was super-jagged. We don't know. Could be either. Could be both.
Char: Does it really matter?
Scarlet: Regrettably, no, but trying to figure out the odds of each is actually more fun than reading the battle sequence itself.
"Well, see you tomorrow night for the mission!" he said before darting off to the hut. He suddenly stopped, turned my way, and shouted, "Oh yeah, I almost forgot. My dad checked out a room for you at the hotel on the north side of town. Just tell the Noctowl that Jack sent you and he'll show you to your room!"
Eddie [As Zeke]: "And don't worry about the noises in the next room, that's just Dad cutting a deal with the local mafia behind closed doors."
I just stood there, more stunned that he still wanted to go on the mission than the fact that his dad spent money on me.
Scarlet: …Because the fact that he won made you think that he'd give up his goal or something?
After a few seconds of silence, I regained my sense of reality and ran to the northern part of town. After following Zeke's instructions, I was led to my room where I laid on my small bed.
Char: And did nothing interesting. Much like what you'll be doing for the remainder of the fanfic.
'That battle wasn't so bad. I felt a sudden rush while battling like it was my destiny or something. Maybe Zeke was right. Maybe we could make this rescue team thing work out.' I thought to myself before drifting off into a much needed sleep...
Eddie: ….Sapphire's a complete idiot, isn't she.
Scarlet: Took you long enough.
Chapter 2: Tragedy at Mt. Steel
I woke up the next morning filled with energy. I dashed out of the hotel and saw Zeke talking a fox-like Pokemon with brown and cream-colored fur.
Scarlet: "Talking" here meaning "Chatting up"?
"Good morning, Zeke!" I shouted as I approached them.
Char: And now Sapphire's in need of Ritalin.
"Hey Sapphire! I'd like you to meet my long time friend, Seth." he replied, pointing at the Eevee next to him.
Eddie: But I thought Sapphire was his best friend?
Scarlet: Zeke is everybody's best friend.
"Nice to meet you, Sapphire." he said with a cool, calm voice as if we knew each other all our lives.
Char: …Which is in contrast to meeting someone for the first time, when you flip out?
"Likewise," I then turn to Zeke and whispered, "So, you ready for tonight?"
Eddie [As Zeke]: "Yep, I've got the condoms ready, all we need to do is head to the love hotel."
"Ah yes, you two are going on a rescue mission tonight." Seth said, just as cool and calm as before. I was a little surprised until I saw his fox-like ears shaking rapidly. Those big, pointed ears probably couldn't miss anything.
Scarlet: But can he see why kids love cinnamon toast crunch?
"Wait... how do you know we're going on a rescue mission?"
Char: Well, you did just say those ears wouldn't miss anything.
"Well, because I'm coming with you." he replied with that cool and calm tone once again.
Eddie: Uh oh. Trouble in paradise.
"Zeke! We're supposed to be a team. You can't make decisions like adding a new member without consulting me first!" I shouted, glaring at Zeke who seemed to flinch from my stare.
Scarlet: A word to the wise, Zeke- never start a threesome without the third member's knowledge.
"Zeke made the right choice. Pokemon as weak as you two wouldn't last five minutes in Mt. Steel." His tone was starting to annoy me.
Char: Come to think of it, shouldn't Sapphire be HAPPY that Zeke invited someone else? The other day, she was concerned that they wouldn't be able to complete the mission, and now she's all "KTHNX, WE CAN HANDLE IT."
Eddie: Maybe this is her stunt double?
I charged at Seth, in hopes of showing him that I was ready for any battle. I was only about a foot away from him when he dodged to the left and hit me with a tackle of his own. His attack was much stronger than Zeke's from the previous night, but my rock-hard skin seemed to absorb most of the impact and damaged him a little at the same time.
Scarlet: Because as we learned from Zeke, randomly attacking your future team mates right before a big mission is the best way to handle any dispute.
"I'm sorry my friend, but your physical attacks will hurt you more than they hurt me!" I shouted, charging at him with another tackle.
Char: That's funny, Zeke beat the crud out of you with them last time.
Then suddenly, with his fox-like tail, he swept up some dust from the ground and shot it at my eyes. I immediately stopped my charge and violently rubbed my eyes to get the dust out. Seth, who seized the moment, came running at me with blinding speed and hit me square on the bright red, diamond-shaped patch on my stomach. As the attack sent me flying, I noticed that he didn't flinch from attacking me this time.
Eddie [As Seth]: "FALCON… PAWNCH!"
"It seems someone has a weak spot." he said, walking slowly towards me.
"Okay guys, that's enough. I need both of you for the mission tonight." Zeke finally said, interrupting the battle.
Char: And when Zeke is the only one smart enough to keep an eye on the big picture, you know the entire fanfic is going downhill fast.
"Whatever, I believe I've proved my point about you guys being weak."
Eddie: …Because you got a single cheap shot in a battle with a total rookie, you're so much stronger?
Seth walked over to me and helped me up but I simply pushed him aside and shouted, "I'm going for a walk!"
Scarlet: Alright- first things, being a four-legged animal myself I've got to wonder HOW Seth helped Sapphire up, exactly. And second, is it just me or is Sapphire PMSing much?
"Meet us in the center of town at sunset!" Zeke shouted as I darted off to the west.
Char: …Because traveling to a giant mountain at night is a good idea.
This was the first time I had actually taken a look around the village. All of the houses were made of logs from oak and elm trees. The houses were held together with a sticky, transparent slime. I turned to my left to see a house being built across the road. I saw a pink Pokemon, who stood about four feet tall, with a cream-colored belly with pink stripes. It opened its mouth and released a tongue that stretched out about three fourths of its height. With its super long tongue, it licked the log violently and stuck on another log. Amazingly, the saliva held tight and kept the logs attached.
Eddie: ….Did the author just engage in Worldbuilding? THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
'That's disgusting' I thought, noticing that the very foundation of this village was a Pokemon's saliva.
Scarlet: Well, it's disgusting to me that this fanfic's foundation is a main character who is a PMSing girl turned into a Larvitar for no apparent reason, but you don't hear me complaining… oh wait.
I continued my walk and noticed a huge sign near, what seemed to be, the entrance to the village. In big letters, the sign said: Welcome to Grace Town, where adventures begin!
Char: Grace Town has a tourist industry, I presume.
I glanced at the sun and saw that it was slowly setting. I dashed toward the center of the town, eager to get this mission over with.
Eddie: …How did it get late so fast?
Scarlet: Time-lapse photography?
I saw Zeke and Seth sitting near a huge, obsidian rock. It must have been sacred to the village as it was the only of its kind, and it had strange writing on it. I noticed a small bag tied around Seth's tail which probably was filled with food for our travels.
Char: …So because it's an odd rock… it must be sacred? Huh?
Eddie: WARNING- THIS IS AN IMPORTANT ROCK.
"It's about time." Seth said, nodding at me.
The time was finally here! We were finally going on a rescue mission! We were exiting Grace Town when I decided to take one last look.
Scarlet: …Talk about 180 degrees. Does Sapphire even REMEMBER the fact that she thought Zeke had a death wish the other day?
"See ya tomorrow morning" I said softly before catching up with Zeke and Seth.
Char: I'm hoping a Steelix eats them before then.
Scarlet and Eddie: Agreed.
It took about 2 and a half hours, but we finally arrived at Mt. Steel. The mountain sides were comprised of both many different rocks and many different metals. It stood so high that the top of the mountain couldn't be seen with the naked eye. I looked to my right and saw a cave opening that probably led deep into the mountain, and maybe even through the other side. I ran towards it as the others followed. That was when I noticed the horrible truth.
Eddie: Sapphire realizes that she's stuck in a PMD generic fic.
Char: Sapphire realizes just how boring she really is, and stops telling everyone about her adventures. That's how this ends…. Anytime now.
"Uh guys... What part of the mountain is Pikachu in?" I asked frantically.
Scarlet: Oh, just follow the screams of pain and I think you'll do alright.
"Are you serious? Why do you think this was ranked as C and not D? The client expects the rescuers to search the entire mountain." Seth said with his cool and calm tone.
"The entire mountain? That'll take days!" Zeke shouted.
Char: If I'm forced to sit here that long, the higher staff are going to die.
"That's exactly why we're going to split up. I'll search the cave on my own while you two search the ledges for another entrance."
Eddie: ….Seth's just getting them out of the way so he can finish the job alone, isn't he.
Scarlet: Ask me no questions, I'll tell you no lies.
"Who died and made you leader?" I muttered under my breath.
"I heard that." he shouted while running into the cave.
Char: Of course he did, his massive ears give him an automatic plus five on his listen check.
"Well, it's just us two now." I said, turning in Zeke's direction.
Eddie: Let's see if Zeke's eighteen charisma can make up for his erectile function disorder, shall we?
Scarlet: Eddie, you're a sick little rodent.
Eddie: Thank you.
"Then lets get started." he simply said before running along the side of the mountain, looking for a way to get to a higher elevation.
Char: Sure, running along the sides of sheer slopes is easy. The Matrix said so!
We must've ran at least 50 feet around the mountain before finding a huge tree very close to a mountain ledge. We climbed the tree and from the top, hopped on the ledge. Soon enough, we found an opening just big enough for the both of us to fit through.
Eddie: Dea Ex Machina?
Scarlet: More like "God out of the hole in the mountain."
The interior of the mountain was just as incredible as the outside. The walls were lined with multi-colored, glinting gems that illuminated the entire area. There were many ledges and ridges that could easily be used to get to a higher or lower elevation.
Char: Welcome to level one of this video game: The obligatory dungeon made from natural crystals.
"Maybe this mission won't be so hard." I said with a smile on my face.
Eddie: Cue the obligatory sudden dilemma.
"Oh yeah, well think again." said a voice behind us. It was an eerie, robotic voice that pronounced every syllable perfectly.
Scarlet: Unlike all the other characters, who slur their words?
Both I and Zeke turned around to see Pokemon... or at least we thought it was one. It was a small, silvery gray sphere with an eye in the middle. It had two magnets attached to it and was floating off the ground.
Char: I was going to say it was Magnemite, until I read the bit about the eye and realized it was a metal Cyclops. MAGNEMITE HAVE SCREWS PEOPLE. NOT EYES.
It swooped in low to tackle us at an amazingly slow speed. I seized the opportunity and jumped up in the air and stomped his little metal body into the ground. He levitated back up for a retreat only to be hit by a pretty powerful tackle from Zeke. He lied unconscious on the floor as me and Zeke ran past him remembering the mission objective.
Scarlet: Sapphire must have rolled a natural twenty when she attacked.
"And Seth says we're weak" I said as we picked up the pace a bit.
Char: ...Question- just why did the Magnemite attack them?
Eddie: It was a random encounter. Anything you meet in a random encounter wants to kill you. Honestly, Char, you'd think you'd never played an RPG in your life.
We figured Seth would be checking the underground areas so we kept going up. We were about 75 feet above the ground when we came to a huge boulder blocking a ledge that we needed to jump on to if we hoped to get any higher.
Scarlet: So they turned around and went home, the end.
Char and Eddie: We wish.
"Hey, come over here." Zeke whispered.
Eddie: Zeke wants Sapphire to help him test the potency of the Viagra he just took.
I turned towards him and saw that he was pointing at an opening in the wall. We both squeezed through the opening and continued our trek up the mountain side until we found another opening to the interior.
Scarlet: How… convenient. What, is the mountain designed explicitly to let people in?
We were now at nearly 100 feet when we saw it. A small, yellow mouse-like Pokemon with bright red cheeks, pointed ears and a lightning shaped tail lying unconscious on the ground. It was surrounded by three of those weird Pokemon from before.
Char: Uh oh. Boss battle time.
"Aww man, Pikachu's a really in a bind." I whispered, trying to figure out how we could handle this. Sure we could take out one of those guys but for these guys to be placed as guards, they must've been pretty strong. Let alone the fact that there were three of them.
Eddie: If they're doing this because they're upset… why bother posting a guard?
"Hey Zeke, maybe we-." was all I was able to say before noticing that he wasn't even there. I scoped the room and saw that he was standing right in front of the weird Pokemon. He looked at me and jerked at the Pikachu, as if he was signaling something. I immediately caught on and nodded. He then ran in the opposite of the direction of the Pikachu, with all of the weird Pokemon following him.
Scarlet: If they're supposed to actually be guards, they must really such at their job.
'I guess he was right about him doing the battling while I rescue' I thought as I ran as fast as I could to the Pikachu.
Char: Who was already dead by the time she got there, ridding the world of another useless rodent.
Eddie: HEY!
I poked it a few times before it finally opened its eyes and stared at me as if I were an angel.
Scarlet [As Sapphire]: "Then I poked it a few more times just for the fun of it."
"Please tell me you're here to help me." said the Pikachu with a faint, female voice.
Eddie: For you, babe, I would do anything.
Scarlet: Eddie, I thought we had a talk about ogling badfic Pikachu.
Eddie: …Nobody understands me.
"Don't worry; we'll get you out of here." I said, helping her to her feet.
"Thank you so very much. My name is Silk, by the way. Will you honor me by telling me the names of my rescuers?" she whispered. I could tell she was very weak and exhausted.
Char: Trust me, being rescued by these two is NOT an honor.
"Oh, I'm Sapphire. That Cyndaquil over there is-." I immediately stopped as I saw Zeke's motionless body only a few feet away. The Pokemon surrounding him were lighting up with electricity, preparing for the final blow.
Eddie: …Wow, his distraction worked for all of, what, five seconds? This guy's pathetic.
"Zeke!" I shouted as I ran to his side and glared at the three magnet Pokemon.
Scarlet: Sapphire prepares to give the three Magnemites a stern finger-wagging and a lecture.
"What a waste of talent. A fire pokemon that can not even use fire-type attacks. We will be sure to make this as quick and painless as possible." said one of the Pokemon before the entire group discharged their electricity, aiming for Zeke.
Char: …They do have a motive for this, right?
Eddie: Well, they might hate Zeke as much as we do.
Char: Now there's a thought.
Then, without thinking, I leaped in front of Zeke and took the attack head on. To my surprise the electric attack didn't hurt much at all. I then remembered that Zeke told me skin of rock and ground type Pokemon conducts electricity worse than rubber. However, the triple shock made me wince a little.
Eddie: You sure it wasn't just your main character shield kicking in?
"You... you saved me." Zeke whispered.
Scarlet: To our everlasting regret, yes.
"Hey, I bet you'd do the same for me." I turned to Zeke to see a big smile with a hint of anger towards the magnet Pokemon.
Char: Oh boy, she jumps in front of him and he's suddenly fully recovered?
Zeke, with a confident look on his face, stood up and got in an attacking position.
Eddie [pulling out trading cards]: Let's see… I switch my "hyperactive Cyndaquil" into attack position. Response?
Scarlet [Also pulling out trading cards]: Er…. Chain Threatening Roar.
Eddie: Curses!
"I hate rock and ground type Pokemon. We might not be able to hurt you, but we'll kill that Pikachu and Cyndaquil." said the magnet Pokemon from before, glaring at me.
Char: …Why, again?
Scarlet: They're obviously the mid-boss of the dungeon, Char. They HAVE to attack the player characters.
Suddenly, the magnets on the three Pokemon started glowing with a white light that drew the three Pokemon together. Then, when the three Pokemon were joined, their entire body's lit up with a white light that illuminated every corner of the room. When the light faded, I could see the three Pokemon were tightly stuck together, and electricity jumping around the newly formed Pokemon's body. Zeke had also told me about Pokemon evolution, but I never thought I'd see one up close.
Eddie: And… cue the boss battle theme. [Generic RPG battle music begins playing.]
Last edited:
