My Name Is Fuega

[He Trembles on Your Breath]

In... Utter... Awe. I turned off the TV( a rare event in itself) and payed my full attention to this story. I think the way Fuega curses on the name of Mew and prays to Arceus is a brilliant idea, this story has just the right pace and I can't wait for more. ^_^

 

[icomeanon6]

I really enjoyed reading this, I've read few fics that go this deep in terms of emotional involvement, and I think you've pulled it off near flawlessly so far. I especially liked the last two chapters, they almost had a Watership Down-like feeling to them. (Which, in case you haven't read that book, is quite a compliment.)

I did find a few mistakes, but they were rare and not very distracting. Here's a spelling mistake from the part where they were heading towards Mt. Moon:

The path had slowly become rockier, and small cliffs rose on both sides of a small groupd of travelers.

I have a small critique on style in the first post:

BAM!!

Oh, almost forgot this one:

WHACK!!

Have you ever watched the old Batman TV show with Adam West? If you have, you'll understand my beef with those kinds of onomatopeia. :D

Contrary to what others have said, I didn't notice any problem with a lack of description. I think you give good enough of a picture concerning the personality of the characters that deep visual description isn't as necessary. Your story really stands out in terms of overall feeling, and I look forward to reading more of it!

 

[Sunnybeam]

@DarthWaffles - Glad you can see the allusion. And yes, they shall return...

@DarkLakitu - Epiiiiic!!! 8D -shot- Ahaha, thanks~!

@Buoysel - Eh...the prolonged 's' was because Zangoose was hissing. End before 20 chapters? Heh...ehehe...nooo...^_^

@Clevink - Wow, uh...thanks! I don't think I've ever had someone so enthusiastic about my writing, hehe~! ^///^

@Following_the_Air - Aw, thanks. ^///^

@icomeanon - W-Watership Down?! Seriously? o///o Uh, wow, I'm flattered!

Notes:
--I had to write angsty!Fuega for this. It hurt. ;_; I'm going to have to get used to it, though...
--I went back and numbered/titled all of the chapters. Just because.

/~\~/~\~/~\~/~\~/~\

Chapter 7
Where Paths Part​

Consciousness came slowly to Fuega. Her nose caught the musty scent of leaves, mingled with the harsh odor of smoke. Her sense of balance righted itself sluggishly, and she realized that she was lying on her side on something dry and slightly scratchy. Voices met her ears, as well as a sporadic popping and crackling that sounded like a small fire. She opened her eyes and shifted slightly, weariness tugging at her limbs.

"Fuega's waking up!" came Kit's excited voice. The sound of quick pawsteps signaled his approach to Fuega.

"Yeah…" she murmured. "What's goin' on…?"

It suddenly occurred to her that her face felt bizarre. As though it was…longer…

And her claws…felt heavier, more powerful…

"I feel funny," Fuega mumbled to Kit. "What happened? We escaped, didn't we?"

"Yeah…" he replied, suddenly sounding nervous. "Hey, um, congrats on evolving…"

"Evolving?" Suddenly, she remembered everything. The memories hit her like waves; the frantic escape, battling the insane Zangoose, Freesk's gruesome death -

And Fuega's brutal murder of his killer.

She suddenly felt sick, and with a sinking horror, looked at her sharp claws.

They were coated in dried blood, stained dark red.

She let out a choked, garbled cry of horror and leapt up, startling Kit. She wanted to run, to hide from his and Song's and Liyin's eyes and never be found. Guilt and disgust were surging through her veins, making her heart pound in distress.

Ignoring Kit's yelp, Fuega dashed forward on all fours, not seeing where she was going, not caring. The air left her lungs abruptly as she slammed into a stone wall, but she frantically gulped down a breath and raced off in another direction – only to be met with another stone wall.

"Fuega!" The yell wasn't enough to break through her shell of distress, and she was bolting headlong towards another wall when something large and furry crashed into her, knocking her to the floor and pinning her down.

Fuega flailed wildly under Liyin's front legs, crying wordlessly. Looking back, she would not be able to find a word for the emotion that turned her into a terrified creature, but would describe it with a reenactment of the forlorn wail she had voiced at that time.

Eventually, her writhing died down to small shudders, and the frantic screams became tears that dripped steadily onto the floor. Song set her chin on Fuega's muzzle in a comforting gesture, and Kit gave her scaly cheek a few licks with his raspy tongue. The time they spent there stretched out into a fog of hours for Fuega, who was lost in her own tears.

~-~-~-~
"Fuega, it wasn't your fault."

The lizard gave a derisive snort and curled into a tight ball, flaming tail-tip resting atop her nose.

"Okay, maybe it was. But the filthy son of a Houndour killed your best friend - you had every right to be angry. And besides, that Zangoose was maniacal. He deserved what he got."

Fuega shifted uncomfortably. "It still felt wrong."

Song sighed, ears drooping slightly. "I'm sorry."

"Don't be." The blood had already been washed from Fuega's deadly claws, courtesy of a stream outside the cave. "You didn't kill a Pokemon."

Song's ears stiffened, and her eyes took on an angry glint. "Stop it. Stop beating yourself up over something you couldn't control."

"But that's just it!!" Fuega roared suddenly, making her Eevee friend jump. "Why? Why did I lose control!? What happened to me?? Did I evolve into some kind of demon? Anger doesn't do that, Song! When you're angry, you're angry! Pokemon don't just go around killing because they're angry!!" She breathed heavily, small tears forming in the corner of her eyes as she looked pleadingly at Song. "Do they?"

Song averted her gaze to the floor, shifting from paw to paw.

"Do they?" Fuega asked again in a small voice.

Song looked back up, dark eyes brimming with uncertainty. "I don't know," she said. "Zangoose did. I knew a Granbull that did. But I don't know about the rest of us. I think only Pokemon that aren't quite right…" She trailed off, suddenly looking apologetic.

"I killed Zangoose because I was angry."

Silence.

"There's something not quite right…with me."

"Fuega-"

Song's protest was cut off abruptly by a shake of Fuega's head. "No. I need to find a way to solve this problem. I don't want to end up like Zangoose. I'll find a way to control myself, to keep myself from getting angry. I don't want to kill someone again."

There was a sorrow in the Eevee's eyes. "I know what you're going to say."

"So do I," a gravelly voice sighed behind Fuega. She whirled around to see Liyin and Kit standing there. Kit's ears and tails were drooping sadly.

"We planned on staying here, living in this forest. We don't have Trainers, and in all honesty, we don't need them. We're not meant for that kind of life. You, on the other hand…"

"I'm leaving to find Kevin," Fuega whispered. "He needs to know what happened to Freesk. I'm not sure if I'll be able to even look at him once I've found him, but he needs to know. After all," she said with a false smile, "we were his Pokemon."

"You still are."

"Yeah," she replied with a melancholy tone, reaching out to hug Song. Kit joined in the farewell embrace, as did Liyin (albeit a bit reluctantly). "Bye," she whispered, a stray tear leaking out of the corner of her eye.

As a crimson lizard walked away from a trio of mammals, calling her last tearful goodbyes, a vow asserted itself in her heart. Never again would she call upon the latent power sleeping within her soul, the power that had made her more powerful and more deadly. Never again would she undergo the ancient and dangerous process known as evolution.

Beneath a sky of stars and moon, the funeral pyre of a butterfly died into its last glowing embers.

 

[SailorShadow]

Oh. My. Arceus.

Amazing story. Very few errors (though I loved the FFnet version of Freesk's evolution with the plothole... It made me laugh, though the new part works too)
Just keep posting it!

 

[Buoysel]

Ignoring Kit's yelp, Fuega dashed forward on all fours, not seeing where she was going, not caring. The air left her lungs abruptly as she slammed into a stone wall, but she frantically gulped down a breath and raced off in another direction – only to be met with another stone wall.

"Fuega!" The yell wasn't enough to break through her shell of distress, and she was bolting headlong towards another wall when something large and furry crashed into her, knocking her to the floor and pinning her down.

Fuega flailed wildly under Liyin's front legs, crying wordlessly. Looking back, she would not be able to find a word for the emotion that turned her into a terrified creature, but would describe it with a reenactment of the forlorn wail she had voiced at that time.

I didn't like this part. I do understand that Fuega is upset and runs off, but whats with the stone walls, were are they?

When Fuega finally gets stopped by Liyin's legs, I wasn't sure which one Linyin was. I had to read it again to realize that It was the Absol, right?

IMO, this chapter was too short. I read it like two mintues, and was like is that it, ah man.

I read too fast sometimes. Your chapter is not too short. I just wish that It didn't end. I think that this story will be pretty good. I see Fuega Evolving again. Perhaps as a defense?

Anyway, I didn't see any grammar errors, then again I was reading to fast, so I would have probably missed 'em anyway. I'll read it again and edit this post if I notice any.

Good job.


EDIT:

"Yeah…" she murmured. "What's goin' on…?" It suddenly occurred to her that her face felt bizarre. As though it was…longer… and her claws…felt heavier, more powerful… "I feel funny," Fuega mumbled to Kit. "What happened? We escaped, didn't we?"

"Yeah…" he replied, suddenly sounding nervous. "Hey, um, congrats on evolving…"

"Evolving?" Suddenly, she remembered everything. The memories hit her like waves; the frantic escape, battling the insane Zangoose, Freesk's gruesome death, and Fuega's brutal murder of his killer.

She suddenly felt sick, and with a sinking horror, looked at her sharp claws. They were coated in dried blood, stained dark red.

She let out a choked, garbled cry of horror and leapt up, startling Kit. She wanted to run, to hide from his, and Song's and Liyin's eyes and never be found. Guilt and disgust were surging through her veins, making her heart pound in distress.

I suggest consolidating the begging of the story like so. It's okay to keep using the same paragraph when adding description between dialogue, as long as it is reverent, and the same person is talking.

Remove the and in red. it is not needed.

"I killed Zangoose because I was angry,." Fuega snarled. "There's something not quite right…with me, " she continued after a short silence.

Don't use a line like "silence". Instead incorporate the silence into some more description such as above.

 

[Clevink]

See my last post. Keep it up ;) the only thing I might suggest is you somehow incorporate what Pokemon everyone is, instead of saying the name say the species. Like right after Kit (Vulpix, right?) said something, then say, "The Vulpix then added," that's a crappy example, but you get my drift. AWESOME once again!

 

[Pinhead]

Wow this is pretty sweet. I'm really getting into the story and can't wait till the next chapter. Keep up the good work. ^_^

 

[Bay]

Hey, Aqua! I say, quite like the story you have so far. ^^ Sorry if this review's short, but it's so far what I think of this story and also playing catch up. ^^;

One of the good things I love about this fic is the way you portrayed the Pokemon's emotions in it and also so their personalities. For instance, love Freesk (he's so cute! Why does he have to die? ;_;), love that Zangoose (he's crazy! XD), and also Furega.

Speaking of her, love her interactions with Freesk and Kevin. Haha at first she's a bit fuzzy about them but then trusts them more. Also, really love her evolution scene. Seriously, love how you portrayed her feelings during the evolution. Best one I've seen in a while. ^^

The only criticism I can give is the scene when Kevin let Freesk out to find Fuega, you didn't really give another scene where Kevin and Clare couldn't find both Fuega and Freesk. That makes me wonder if both of them became worried over the two Pokemon or not. That's minor, though.

Again, liking the story so far. Interesting you're doing a trainer story more on the Pokemon's POV. This fic has potential. :) Well, hope to do a better review next chapter!