[Pokémon] No Longer For Children -R-

[Royal]

STOP! DO NOT STROLL AHEAD!​

THIS IS A WARNING TO THOSE WHO WISH TO READ IF YOU HAVEN'T YET SEEN THE RATING SIGN: This fanfiction is rated "R" due to extreme violence, gore, death, and some other violent material. If you think you cannot handle that, GO BACK – DO NOT READ ON! If you think you can handle it, alright…​

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~Prologue~​

So, you must have read many stories of how trainers started their journey and defeated gyms and leagues but this time, this story, is different. My name is Jess and I'm a junior in the Viridian City high school. But you see, the world you read or even seen is different than what it really is. Sure, we still have Pokemon battles, but in others stories Pokemon are said to be creatures easy to tame and not to become violent creatures…

Ha! That's a complete lie. But you will meet people who's Pokemon love them from the very start. Pokemon are actually vicious, monstrous creatures in battles – most are close to tearing each other's throats out in battle. Every single one is like that – well, maybe except for easy-going nurse Pokemon like Happiny, Chansey, and Blissey. But the rest… phew… I'm surprised people made a sport out of watching them kill each other…

Anyway, enough of my introduction; let me get right down to business – I'm one of those people who don't own a Pokemon. Yeah, I'm seventeen and I don't own a Pokemon – got a problem with that? I usually sit in the sidelines with my senior boyfriend Ian during gym classes watching the violent Pokemon battles. Let's just say they have to bleach the ground after each battle and that's the time where I get to babble to my boyfriend of how dangerous Pokemon can be to other Pokemon, to people, and even to themselves. He always agrees, but he owns Pokemon of his own however only calls them out if he needs protection from, like – I'm just guessing here – a wild Pokemon maybe. Some people, however, like Malthus Kraine, don't even care about Pokemon and love to see them fight. His Feraligatr is one vicious Pokemon and was close to killing several other Pokemon in battle – it did paralyze a poor Flaaffy and the poor Pokemon had to be put down in a Pokemon Center.

So, here I am, writing down everything that comes to mind during those disturbing gym matches. It was a Weavile and an almost defenseless Ivysaur. The Ivysaur was covered with bloody wounds – slashes along its body and gashes where its forehead was almost ripped open made by the Weavile's lethal claws. The Weavile had a wicked grin on its face as the Ivysaur's blood dripped down its own claws. The Ivysaur was panting nearby, blood dripping down into its red eyes.

The Weavile gave out a high-pitched battle cry before jumping forward to slash its claws along the Ivysaur's face once more.

The crowd erupted into cheers and whistles as the Ivysaur slumped to the ground. The Weavile waved its claws toward the stand, proud, as the Ivysaur's trainer ran up to the wounded Pokemon.

"Jeez," Ian spoke at my side. I looked at him as he shook his head, almost disgusted. "The battles are getting more and more violent every day."

"You're telling me," I said as I interlocked my fingers with his. "They should make battles illegal."

"What's that going to do? People are still going to battle," Ian pointed out.

I slumped in my seat. "I guess you're right."

"Look, Malthus is up."

I looked up quickly to see the red-haired kid walk towards one of the ends of the stadium with a grin on his face. The refs must have cleaned the stadium faster than I had thought. "And Nick's facing him," I spoke as his opponent, a blonde-haired junior walked to the opposite site of the stadium. A maroon and white Pokeball was clenched in his hand.

"Nidorino!" Nick shouted as he threw the Pokeball forward. "You're first!"

In a flash of white light, the small, purple creature appeared. It had a dark violet battle with an almost warty, rough texture. A long horn grew out of its forehead between its eyes. It had long, ragged ears and rounded claws on its feet. It opened its mouth to shout its name in a battle cry and long fangs bordered the inside of its mouth.

A small section of the crowd cheered.

I heard Ian heave a breath. "Poor Nidorino," Ian said in a long whisper. "Newly evolved and it's going up against Malthus's monstrous Pokemon."

I looked at Ian quickly before looking back at Malthus as he threw a Pokeball forward. "Take out that puny Poison type, Primeape."

In another flash of bright light, the furry monkey appeared. It had two red boxing gloves on its thin, black arms and its body was covered in shaggy, tan-colored fur.

And then the battle began…

 

[Bay]

Ha! That's a complete lie. But you will meet people who's Pokemon love them from the very start. Pokemon are actually vicious, monstrous creatures in battles – most are close to tearing each other's throats out in battle. Every single one is like that – well, maybe except for easy-going nurse Pokemon like Happiny, Chansey, and Blissey. But the rest… phew… I'm surprised people made a sport out of watching them kill each other…

Oh, those can be vicious too. EGG BOMBS! :p *throws an egg bomb and runs like heck* Um…*coughs* Anyways, not sure if I agree with you that every Pokemon are vicious in battles. I'm actually going to mention in more detail later.

His Feraligatr is one vicious Pokemon and was close to killing several other Pokemon in battle – it did paralyze a poor Flaaffy and the poor Pokemon had to be put down in a Pokemon Center.

Um…I don't think a Pokemon would be put down if paralyzed , at least in the Pokemon world. You do have paralyze heals, berries, and the Pokemon Center.

Okay, going to talk about my thoughts about this prologue. Hm, one thing that irks me is I'm not sure what the plot will be. True, I won't know until a few chapters in, but from the prologue it's as if you're just making a story to have the Pokemon world "darker." Now, I don't mind readers trying to have the Pokemon world slightly edgier than what you see in the games, anime, manga, etc. to make the world more realistic as I done that myself, but sometimes you might get carried away. What I'm afraid is this story will really have no plot and all we'll see is battle after battle of blood and gore.

Another thing is it seems you're suddenly making all the Pokemon vicious. I can understand that yes, there will be Pokemon that act like that in the wild if thinking this realistically, but I don't know if I'll buy every Pokemon is like that. Think animals for a sec. Are all of them that are wild like that? True, the Pokemon can learn TEH LAZER BEAMS OF DEATH, but in games and anime at least the Pokemon seemed to be tamed enough in battles, so the Pokemon can be able to battle but not hurt themselves in huge extremes.

Yeah, only thing I'm worried about is this story only a gore fest, but it's too early to tell. However, I'm curious where you'll go with this story, so I'll check this see and see what you got.

 

[icomeanon6]

It's clear that you're really harping on the whole DarkerAndEdgier concept, and I don't think it's working as well as it could. Blood and brutality are nothing new to Pokemon fanfiction, so I'd say your story isn't as shocking as it is simply gratuitous. Basically, what you've given us so far screams "Look at me! I'm all mature and gruesome and stuff!" but doesn't do much else. Part of the problem is that you hang a lampshade on this in the narration itself. It comes across to me as excessive, and I think the focus on the gore is detracting from the other elements of the story, especially because this first chapter (I say chapter because a prologue is supposed to depict things that happened before the beginning of the plot, which doesn't seem to be the case here) is kind of short and stops abruptly.

Violence is most effective when it involves characters that we've grown to identify with. If you focus solely on violence at the expense of proper character development, you're also short-changing the violence. I think your story could be much more powerful if you eased up on the gratuity and give your cast and plot some breathing room.

All that aside, there's still some proof reading you need to do.

It had a dark violet battle with an almost warty, rough texture.

I'm sure you meant to type "hide" or something similar here, but the word that happened to replace it is humorously ironic.

I think if you cooled your jets you could have quite a good story in the works here. You don't need to exaggerate the kinds of battles in the games and anime as much as you'd think to depict them as inhumane. Best of luck to you, and keep at it.

 

[Miz en Scène]

Now why didn't I notice this fic before...

Um…I don't think a Pokemon would be put down if paralyzed , at least in the Pokemon world. You do have paralyze heals, berries, and the Pokemon Center.

Spinal paralysis, not muscle paralysis perhaps? Brought on by damage to the spinal cord or brain. Maybe he/she's trying to say that the Pokemon were too badly injured in the manner stated above?

Anyway, to the review.

I was intrigued by the actual premise of the fic to be honest. I'm a sucker for gore fics and in fact my fic does feature bits of gratuitous gore at some points. While I can agree with Bay on you overplaying the violent Pokémon bit, I'm at the same time interested in seeing how you're going to write this fic. Now, what I'm worried about is also the same thing as Bay. As much as I enjoy well-written gore, it really shouldn't be the only premise for writing a piece of fic lest it becomes a gore-fest as Bay put it. The way I see it, gore and psychology come hand in hand. You can have one or the other, but it's generally better to have them both if you're writing gore. As with one-shots and short fics, readers are drawn in by how the victim and the witnesses view the injury and or murder. How do your characters feel, describe the trauma involved in witnessing the crime. If your fic is centred on gore, really do try to add a psychological aspect to the thing. If your fic isn't, then it's usually fine to just have descriptions –psychology is encouraged-- since that's not the main focus though it'll make for an interesting segment. Observing your fic, I'm drawn to the conclusion that yours is the gore type and you really should try to have a psychological aspect. Anon did mention that the gore without a psychological aspect really usually works when the character has been established –in which case the reader feels the psychological aspect for himself—and this is what I'm getting at.

Sure you may have a few scattered comments on how wrong it is, but you can at least try to add how the Pokémon feel about it. What their emotions are throughout the battle. For instance, you can describe how the Ivysaur felt as it saw the Weavile's claws come bearing down upon it. You could also describe how the Weavile feels about this. Does it enjoy it? Is it being forced to do something it doesn't like?

Regardless, best of luck. I'll be watching to see if you have anything interesting for me(reader/reviewer) in the near future.

 

[Royal]

Oh, those can be vicious too. EGG BOMBS! :p *throws an egg bomb and runs like heck* Um…*coughs* Anyways, not sure if I agree with you that every Pokemon are vicious in battles. I'm actually going to mention in more detail later.


Um…I don't think a Pokemon would be put down if paralyzed , at least in the Pokemon world. You do have paralyze heals, berries, and the Pokemon Center.

Okay, going to talk about my thoughts about this prologue. Hm, one thing that irks me is I'm not sure what the plot will be. True, I won't know until a few chapters in, but from the prologue it's as if you're just making a story to have the Pokemon world "darker." Now, I don't mind readers trying to have the Pokemon world slightly edgier than what you see in the games, anime, manga, etc. to make the world more realistic as I done that myself, but sometimes you might get carried away. What I'm afraid is this story will really have no plot and all we'll see is battle after battle of blood and gore.

Another thing is it seems you're suddenly making all the Pokemon vicious. I can understand that yes, there will be Pokemon that act like that in the wild if thinking this realistically, but I don't know if I'll buy every Pokemon is like that. Think animals for a sec. Are all of them that are wild like that? True, the Pokemon can learn TEH LAZER BEAMS OF DEATH, but in games and anime at least the Pokemon seemed to be tamed enough in battles, so the Pokemon can be able to battle but not hurt themselves in huge extremes.

Yeah, only thing I'm worried about is this story only a gore fest, but it's too early to tell. However, I'm curious where you'll go with this story, so I'll check this see and see what you got.

For the first quote: I guess you are right. XD I did not think about that. And for the second quote, like Mizan mentions, it's spinal paralysis where the Pokemon is too badly injured to continue overall.

Now I know it all seems that I'm aiming towards gore and violence, but I'm actually not. I just can't really write a story without gore and violence - that's what it comes down for me; Pokemon is no different. Now, in plot wise, it will get deeper. There's a few reasons why I placed these Pokemon or even mentioned them in this prologue. You'll see when I put up the next few chapters...

It's clear that you're really harping on the whole DarkerAndEdgier concept, and I don't think it's working as well as it could. Blood and brutality are nothing new to Pokemon fanfiction, so I'd say your story isn't as shocking as it is simply gratuitous. Basically, what you've given us so far screams "Look at me! I'm all mature and gruesome and stuff!" but doesn't do much else. Part of the problem is that you hang a lampshade on this in the narration itself. It comes across to me as excessive, and I think the focus on the gore is detracting from the other elements of the story, especially because this first chapter (I say chapter because a prologue is supposed to depict things that happened before the beginning of the plot, which doesn't seem to be the case here) is kind of short and stops abruptly.

Violence is most effective when it involves characters that we've grown to identify with. If you focus solely on violence at the expense of proper character development, you're also short-changing the violence. I think your story could be much more powerful if you eased up on the gratuity and give your cast and plot some breathing room.

All that aside, there's still some proof reading you need to do.

I'm sure you meant to type "hide" or something similar here, but the word that happened to replace it is humorously ironic.

I think if you cooled your jets you could have quite a good story in the works here. You don't need to exaggerate the kinds of battles in the games and anime as much as you'd think to depict them as inhumane. Best of luck to you, and keep at it.

Yes, I actually meant to place "hide" or "body" so I'll be changing that after I finish up this post. And like I said above to Bay Alexison, the story does not revolve around all violence and gore. There are things that are going to happen in this story that tend to very heartbreaking and show how some Pokemon actually can care.

Now why didn't I notice this fic before...

Spinal paralysis, not muscle paralysis perhaps? Brought on by damage to the spinal cord or brain. Maybe he/she's trying to say that the Pokemon were too badly injured in the manner stated above?

Anyway, to the review.

I was intrigued by the actual premise of the fic to be honest. I'm a sucker for gore fics and in fact my fic does feature bits of gratuitous gore at some points. While I can agree with Bay on you overplaying the violent Pokémon bit, I'm at the same time interested in seeing how you're going to write this fic. Now, what I'm worried about is also the same thing as Bay. As much as I enjoy well-written gore, it really shouldn't be the only premise for writing a piece of fic lest it becomes a gore-fest as Bay put it. The way I see it, gore and psychology come hand in hand. You can have one or the other, but it's generally better to have them both if you're writing gore. As with one-shots and short fics, readers are drawn in by how the victim and the witnesses view the injury and or murder. How do your characters feel, describe the trauma involved in witnessing the crime. If your fic is centred on gore, really do try to add a psychological aspect to the thing. If your fic isn't, then it's usually fine to just have descriptions –psychology is encouraged-- since that's not the main focus though it'll make for an interesting segment. Observing your fic, I'm drawn to the conclusion that yours is the gore type and you really should try to have a psychological aspect. Anon did mention that the gore without a psychological aspect really usually works when the character has been established –in which case the reader feels the psychological aspect for himself—and this is what I'm getting at.

Sure you may have a few scattered comments on how wrong it is, but you can at least try to add how the Pokémon feel about it. What their emotions are throughout the battle. For instance, you can describe how the Ivysaur felt as it saw the Weavile's claws come bearing down upon it. You could also describe how the Weavile feels about this. Does it enjoy it? Is it being forced to do something it doesn't like?

Regardless, best of luck. I'll be watching to see if you have anything interesting for me(reader/reviewer) in the near future.

That's a good idea - the feelings of the Pokemon, but as of right now, I'm sticking to one perspective, but maybe try to show it through emotions or actions carried out by the Pokemon.

And thank you.