Candy
[img]http://i.imgur.com/snz4bEm.png[/img]
- 3,816
- Posts
- 14
- Years
- Age 27
- In OJ Land
- Seen Jun 14, 2023
Sometimes I wonder, is it even worth living when no one around you understands you, on what you're dealing with? Sure we got the anonymous faces of the internet to mitigate that, but it's just not enough.
I just got into a fight with my mother, all because she discovered my bank account's history and promptly scolded me on the huge amount of money I've wasted on video games and music alone. I mean sure I can pirate them but I have too much of a guilt conscience to do that. Anyway, she questions why I got really addicted, and puts it on the blame of the Nintendo DSL I bought when I was 11.
Now let me get this clear, I am not a video game addict. At least, I used to not be one. High school I socialize a lot with my friends, I was productive in my art, writing and even studies. I watched a lot of anime, read a lot of manga, but they're allocated in a pretty spread schedule. In fact, I rarely played video games even though I got a copy of both XY back at my final year (yeah, believe that).
But university hits and I faced a point where I don't want to do anything. The first semester I was okay, depression doesn't hit me that hard in the face, but it was there. I started to withdraw from socialization, and the amount of things I did decreased exponentially. It reached a point where all I did was watch anime 'cause everything else feels like a chore. I wanted to turn my brain off and just immerse myself with things that doesn't require work.
Second semester hits and oh boy, it got worse. I didn't want to do anything aside from the video games. Anime starts to be a chore to watch, and everything else just falls apart. Around this time I started to get active on PC, because it's my only source of joy at the moment. It was also around this time when I started to skip classes a lot, making up excuses just so I could pass the class with the minimum required attendance because I can't be bothered to deal with it anymore.
And then I discovered the UG. I remember the day when Yuki invited me over into the Faes Skype Chat and actively engaged in the discussion, and it wasn't just a discussion on the game more like a game discussion with a hint of daily chit chat.
The creation of the UG Skype Chat as well as the GT12 were really the highlight of 2015 for me. Every day I get to talk with other people and even get to engage onnot-so-friendly debates with them. It was fun, I had people I can talk to, I was starting to socialize even if it's just with anonymous faces on the internet.
Third semester, ho boy. If you've read one of my previous blog post, you know what happened. It really hit me hard. Truth be told, I barely played video games anymore back then, all I did was hang out at the chats nearly 24/7, with screwed sleep schedules, only showering like, twice a week (not kidding on this) and laundry once every two weeks or so. I've contemplated suicide a lot as well, either by starving myself to death or jumping in front of a train, but I know no one wants that so I refrained. All I cared about is lounge around in my room, rolling in my own filth and just go on a daze. It hits the peak when I skipped class for a full week, because I can't be bothered to do it anymore.
After that huge moment of debating with my parents, I took the rest of the semester off and stayed at home. I started to actually be somewhat productive, but all in all I just cared about the chats, since my social life in real life is so disorientated that I resorted to that for my social needs.
Honestly right now, I don't play video games to engage in a fulfilling story or because I'm a huge addict that needs games to fuel me for the day. Heck, I can go a full day without playing one and I won't have withdrawal symptoms. I can go a full day without my laptop and I can find other things to do instead. Heck, I can go a full day without the internet. I'm not an addict whatsoever.
In fact, video games actually allow me to socialize more. Idc about story or whatever, in fact most of the games I scored hours upon are sandboxes, roguelikes as well as boardgames. I enjoy playing with a group, I enjoy doing all sorts of stuff with other people because it's fun. It makes me happy.
Music on the other hand, I mean I get that I can pirate them but ew at the quality plus I want to support the artists anyway. I mean, most of the money I spent is actually on music, all because of my guilt conscience (tbf, if you spent your whole life pirating you will develop it anyway).
Right now my mom is threatening to disconnect the internet as well as putting me back at my relative's place, which I declined hardly. The internet's one my only source of happiness right now aside from my imagination (and I can tell you, my imagination gets really dark sometimes). I don't want to go back to my relative's place either, because it reminds me too much of everything I had to deal with.
But my parents don't understand that. They don't understand depression. They don't understand how it feels like to have everyone piling expectations on you even though you just want to do your own thing. They don't understand how it feels to see everything you used to love slowly get smashed into millions of pieces.
Sure, they may seem to see that I have a childish mentality since I can't get over something trivial and start working my arse off for university, thinking that I'm too lazy and should fix that part of me. I do agree with that, but honestly if they know what I really feel, it's not that I can't get over something trivial like a D on a report card, it's that depression hits me so hard on the face that I can't be bothered to fix such a thing.
Let's just say that if it keeps going, I might actually consider jumping in front a moving train.
I just got into a fight with my mother, all because she discovered my bank account's history and promptly scolded me on the huge amount of money I've wasted on video games and music alone. I mean sure I can pirate them but I have too much of a guilt conscience to do that. Anyway, she questions why I got really addicted, and puts it on the blame of the Nintendo DSL I bought when I was 11.
Now let me get this clear, I am not a video game addict. At least, I used to not be one. High school I socialize a lot with my friends, I was productive in my art, writing and even studies. I watched a lot of anime, read a lot of manga, but they're allocated in a pretty spread schedule. In fact, I rarely played video games even though I got a copy of both XY back at my final year (yeah, believe that).
But university hits and I faced a point where I don't want to do anything. The first semester I was okay, depression doesn't hit me that hard in the face, but it was there. I started to withdraw from socialization, and the amount of things I did decreased exponentially. It reached a point where all I did was watch anime 'cause everything else feels like a chore. I wanted to turn my brain off and just immerse myself with things that doesn't require work.
Second semester hits and oh boy, it got worse. I didn't want to do anything aside from the video games. Anime starts to be a chore to watch, and everything else just falls apart. Around this time I started to get active on PC, because it's my only source of joy at the moment. It was also around this time when I started to skip classes a lot, making up excuses just so I could pass the class with the minimum required attendance because I can't be bothered to deal with it anymore.
And then I discovered the UG. I remember the day when Yuki invited me over into the Faes Skype Chat and actively engaged in the discussion, and it wasn't just a discussion on the game more like a game discussion with a hint of daily chit chat.
The creation of the UG Skype Chat as well as the GT12 were really the highlight of 2015 for me. Every day I get to talk with other people and even get to engage on
Third semester, ho boy. If you've read one of my previous blog post, you know what happened. It really hit me hard. Truth be told, I barely played video games anymore back then, all I did was hang out at the chats nearly 24/7, with screwed sleep schedules, only showering like, twice a week (not kidding on this) and laundry once every two weeks or so. I've contemplated suicide a lot as well, either by starving myself to death or jumping in front of a train, but I know no one wants that so I refrained. All I cared about is lounge around in my room, rolling in my own filth and just go on a daze. It hits the peak when I skipped class for a full week, because I can't be bothered to do it anymore.
After that huge moment of debating with my parents, I took the rest of the semester off and stayed at home. I started to actually be somewhat productive, but all in all I just cared about the chats, since my social life in real life is so disorientated that I resorted to that for my social needs.
Honestly right now, I don't play video games to engage in a fulfilling story or because I'm a huge addict that needs games to fuel me for the day. Heck, I can go a full day without playing one and I won't have withdrawal symptoms. I can go a full day without my laptop and I can find other things to do instead. Heck, I can go a full day without the internet. I'm not an addict whatsoever.
In fact, video games actually allow me to socialize more. Idc about story or whatever, in fact most of the games I scored hours upon are sandboxes, roguelikes as well as boardgames. I enjoy playing with a group, I enjoy doing all sorts of stuff with other people because it's fun. It makes me happy.
Music on the other hand, I mean I get that I can pirate them but ew at the quality plus I want to support the artists anyway. I mean, most of the money I spent is actually on music, all because of my guilt conscience (tbf, if you spent your whole life pirating you will develop it anyway).
Right now my mom is threatening to disconnect the internet as well as putting me back at my relative's place, which I declined hardly. The internet's one my only source of happiness right now aside from my imagination (and I can tell you, my imagination gets really dark sometimes). I don't want to go back to my relative's place either, because it reminds me too much of everything I had to deal with.
But my parents don't understand that. They don't understand depression. They don't understand how it feels like to have everyone piling expectations on you even though you just want to do your own thing. They don't understand how it feels to see everything you used to love slowly get smashed into millions of pieces.
Sure, they may seem to see that I have a childish mentality since I can't get over something trivial and start working my arse off for university, thinking that I'm too lazy and should fix that part of me. I do agree with that, but honestly if they know what I really feel, it's not that I can't get over something trivial like a D on a report card, it's that depression hits me so hard on the face that I can't be bothered to fix such a thing.
Let's just say that if it keeps going, I might actually consider jumping in front a moving train.