On the Dating of an ex's friend/friend's ex.

Spinor

Spinor

<i><font color="b1373f">The Lonely Physicist</font
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    • Seen Feb 13, 2019
    Through my personal observations, I realize that a question I've been holding in my mind simply cannot have a clear answer: Is it moral to date the ex of a friend or the friend of an ex? What could the implications be depending on how the previous relationship worked out? Is it, regardless of anything, "fair game"?

    I realize it depends on the context and on variables. I ask you pray tell your experience in this nasty gray area of the philosophy on relationships. What do you think of this dating situation and/or have you done it before?
     
    If they weren't together for a long time and didn't really mean a lot to each other, I don't see the big deal. Just wait a little while after the break up though, maybe 3-4 weeks. If it was someone they were head over heels for, loved them, together for the better part of a year, then...you should probably focus your interest else where, or wait a longer time. I don't really have a lot of friends though, so this isn't something I have to worry about nowadays haha. And what few friends I do have...well, I don't wanna date who they've dated. Not into chicks. :P
     
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    It is a bit of a grey area and one I have never really entered into.

    The understanding between my mates are it is normally a no go area, unless someone really likes one of the ex coupled people. The thing that should be done, is the person who really likes one of the ex's should speak to the friend and see if it is ok.​
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    I have date my friend's ex before. I have to say, they only dated for a few months, so I guess it would be a different scenario if they were together for upwards of a year or more.
     
    If everyone involved is mature then there should be no problem. I mean, would a mature friend tell you not to date someone they dated like they have some control over who their ex dates and act all selfish like that? If your friend is gonna be hurt by you dating their ex then you gotta explain to them that everyone is free to date who they like.

    Of course your friend being upset might be over good reasons, like their ex being controlling and mean (in which case, why would you want to date them?)
     
    Of course your friend being upset might be over good reasons, like their ex being controlling and mean (in which case, why would you want to date them?)
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    Some people are just really odd. This actually happened to me. My best friend during high school went after my recent ex shortly after graduation. That person treated me like crap and my friend even had someone at the time, for over a year! So it was beyond me why they would want my ex. I constantly complained to my friend about them while we were dating. I guess some people like the thrill of...a bad bf/gf?
     
    I know this isn't directly related to the subject, but I think we could all learn something from this thing. Ummmm
    My five-year marriage recently ended when my husband left me for another woman. Shortly after my husband broke the devastating news, I began going to a chiropractor. He is a wonderful doctor - and is also good looking, mature, and single. He is terrific with my child, and I would love to ask him on a date, but I'm worried about rejection because he must maintain an ethical doctor-patient relationship. Should I follow my heart and make a move or continue being a patient and not risk the pain?
    Love Sick​

    Dear Love,
    Well, the doctor-patient boundary is really the doctor's to maintain, but I urge you to rethink this whole matter. Your husband's recent abandonment has almost certainly left you vulnerable to any caring (and extremely attractive) person who pays attention to you. But an aching heart is not, repeat not, a good judge of character. Take some time to heal from the breakup, and, no, don't ask the doctor out. If you're too drawn to this guy to be "just his patient," find another chiropractor.
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    So yeah.

    But going on to the topic, I think you should heal a little before you make any relationship decisions. If it still seems like a good idea after you've had some time to heal from the breakup I think it's up to the other person to set (or not set) their boundaries.
     
    While I personally would never engage in such a thing, no matter how long the relationship was, I can see how it should be fine if everyone is of a mature age.
     
    I am actually dating my best friends ex. They were together for about 2 years, 3 years ago. I spoke to him about it first and even though he said it was over stepping the line for friends, he said he had moved on and didn't talk or care for her anymore. So thats pretty much how my friends see it. If they really like the girl aslong as they ask first its fine.
     
    I don't like the idea of dating a friend's ex. Mostly because my "best friend" totally stole my partner in high school... ugly story.

    But I admit, I have been dating someone and just a few months after we broke up, I was dating their friend. And a few months after that break up, I was dating their friend... I'm a bit ashamed of it, really. Well, a lot actually. It's not a procedure I'll ever try again. Feelings get hurt so easily, no matter if people say they are ok with it or not. People ponder things more than they say they do, often.

    If one of my friends would start dating my most recent ex now, it would be awful. It's because we were together for so long in comparison to my earlier relationships. I think time definitely matters. If they started dating in 10 years or so, I probably wouldn't have as much of a problem with it, I mean ^^
     
    I think it's generally alright tbh... I mean, as tacky as it sounds, you can't really control who you like. In the case of a friend's ex, I think that if your friend isn't with that person any more then who's to say that you can't have them? A proper friend would be understanding of the fact that when they aren't in a relationship with someone, they have no control over who they see, and if they see a friend then that shouldn't be an issue at all. Bros before hos and all.

    ...but on the topic of an ex's friend, that's a bit different. Given that you're likely not on the best terms with your ex, and that you probably met this friend through them, stuff could definitely get messy. For the sake of not making your relationship with your ex worse, and for the sake of not damaging their friendship with the other person, I'd say to avoid.
     
    I see nothing immoral about it, but keep in mind it might ruin your friendship. That in mind, decide what means more to you: your relationship or your friendship. You can still try to pursue both, but be ready for the consequences.
     
    Between my mates, it usually tends to be "I'd rather you didn't" (mainly because most of us have a history of really screwed up exes)... but most of us wouldn't freak out at being asked if it's okay (not as in "Am I allowed?" but more "Would it hurt you?").

    Personally, I would shoo my friends away from my ex like the plague because he's a slimy, controlling nutjob. But if he wasn't, I wouldn't really care who dated him. I mean, I'm with an amazing guy now, and there's absolutely no reason for me to get hung up on what my exes are doing and who my friends are dating.

    To get more to the point... personally, I don't mind at all whether my friends date an ex of mine. However, I can fully understand someone not wanting their friends to date an ex they were exceptionally close to or serious with. I wouldn't go for a friend's ex just because I would find it awkward knowing he'd probably slept with my close friend. It would feel too much like sharing for me (not to say that is the case, just that it's how I would personally feel. Mostly because the friends I do have are extremely close).

    Anyway. Sorry, I'm rambling big time here. Exams are frazzling my brain. >_<
     
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