Pokemon Epic Story!

[lmjkdd6]

Pokemon Epic Story


A small chikorita walked into the throne room of Lord Magikarp where a giant Magikarp was sitting, and kneeled before him. "Well?" said Lord Magikarp. "Have you found the rebels and their base?" The chikorita hesitated before answering "No, my Lord." "You foo!" Shouted the magikarp. "Since I've taken over the pathetic regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh and enslaved every pokemon, I've been ordering you and all the other pathetic pokemon to find and capture the rebels, before their wretched leader, Arceus, gets too POWERFUL!!!!! And still you idiots have yet to find a single clue to their hiding place," "I'm sor-sor-sorry," Stammered the chikorita. He started kneeling down and kissing Lord Magikarp's tail fin. "Pl-pl-please don't splash me" Lord Magikarp shifted on his throne. "You may live-------for now" And with that the chikorita quickly hurried away.

 

[Scytheteen]

Pokemon Epic Story


A small chikorita walked into the throne room of Lord Magikarp where a giant Magikarp was sitting, and kneeled before him. "Well?" said Lord Magikarp. "Have you found the rebels and their base?" The chikorita hesitated before answering "No, my Lord." "You foo!" Shouted the magikarp. "Since I've taken over the pathetic regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh and enslaved every pokemon, I've been ordering you and all the other pathetic pokemon to find and capture the rebels, before their wretched leader, Arceus, gets too POWERFUL!!!!! And still you idiots have yet to find a single clue to their hiding place," "I'm sor-sor-sorry," Stammered the chikorita. He started kneeling down and kissing Lord Magikarp's tail fin. "Pl-pl-please don't splash me" Lord Magikarp shifted on his throne. "You may live-------for now" And with that the chikorita quickly hurried away.

This is...interesting. For one, how does a magikarp take over all the regions and enslave all pokemon? It only knows like...3 moves. A second thing, if the Chikorita is so afraid of being spalshed, why doesn't it just fight back, last time I checked, grass beats water. Whatever, it's your fanfic and you can do as you wish. Let's see some errors you have.

A small chikorita walked into the throne room of Lord Magikarp where a giant Magikarp was sitting, and kneeled before him.

"Well?" said Lord Magikarp. "Have you found the rebels and their base?"

The chikorita hesitated before answering "No, my Lord."

You need to hit the enter key twice before a new though is used. Also, I'm a little iffy on the comma after no, but I'm not sure about that, I'll leave it someone of higher knowledge.

"You foo!" Shouted the magikarp. "Since I've taken over the pathetic regions of Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, and Sinnoh and enslaved every pokemon, I've been ordering you and all the other pathetic pokemon to find and capture the rebels, before their wretched leader, Arceus, gets too POWERFUL!!!!!

Okay, I'm sure "foo" should be "fool" non? Also, with the ending, lay off on the caps, and only one explanation point is needed, people tend to loose interest when you have five of them.

And still you idiots have yet to find a single clue to their hiding place," "I'm sor-sor-sorry," Stammered the chikorita. He started kneeling down and kissing Lord Magikarp's tail fin.

Since you're deciding to cap the first letter of pokemon's names, cap the c in Chikorita and stay consistent. Also, after Magikarp talks, but a period instead of a comma and hit the enter key twice in between thoughts. Also, after Chikorita is apologizing to Magikarp, you don't need a capital "S" on stammered.

"Pl-pl-please don't splash me" Lord Magikarp shifted on his throne. "You may live-------for now" And with that the chikorita quickly hurried away

I still don't see why a pokemon would be scared of a splash. You also need to cap Chikorita. I think that's about it...

 

[mhart54]

This is...interesting. For one, how does a magikarp take over all the regions and enslave all pokemon? It only knows like...3 moves. A second thing, if the Chikorita is so afraid of being spalshed, why doesn't it just fight back, last time I checked, grass beats water. Whatever, it's your fanfic and you can do as you wish. Let's see some errors you have.



You need to hit the enter key twice before a new though is used. Also, I'm a little iffy on the comma after no, but I'm not sure about that, I'll leave it someone of higher knowledge.


Okay, I'm sure "foo" should be "fool" non? Also, with the ending, lay off on the caps, and only one explanation point is needed, people tend to loose interest when you have five of them.




Since you're deciding to cap the first letter of pokemon's names, cap the c in Chikorita and stay consistent. Also, after Magikarp talks, but a period instead of a comma and hit the enter key twice in between thoughts. Also, after Chikorita is apologizing to Magikarp, you don't need a capital "S" on stammered.



I still don't see why a pokemon would be scared of a splash. You also need to cap Chikorita. I think that's about it...

Magicarp was a once really powerful Pokemon, i think thats what he means. also this looks like a nice story, but there are a few spelling mistakes as pointed out before

 

[Scytheteen]

Can I ask since when Magikarp was a really powerful pokemon? Ever since R/B/Y, Magikarp has been the least powerful pokemon. Nonetheless, it is his fanfiction and he can do what he wants, but there just isn't much logic in it.

 

[Astinus]

If I may step in, I would just like to say that Magikarp were considered strong Pokemon in the ancient days, but the species became incredibly weaker till it reached it's present form.

Also, I'm a little iffy on the comma after no, but I'm not sure about that, I'll leave it someone of higher knowledge.

Comma after "no" is needed, since commas go before direct addresses.

A small chikorita walked into the throne room of Lord Magikarp where a giant Magikarp was sitting, and kneeled before him.

Since you decided not to capitalize the species name, give the "Magikarp" after "giant" a lowercase m.

The chikorita hesitated before answering "No, my Lord."

Missing a comma after "answering".

"You foo!" Shouted the magikarp.

"foo" is "fool", unless you were going for the Mr. T mode. And "shouted" is lowercased.

Arceus, gets too POWERFUL!!!!!

The caps-lock and five exclamation points is just silly. Use italics to stress a word, and description to show feelings.

And still you idiots have yet to find a single clue to their hiding place,"

Comma after "place" should be a full stop.

I'm sor-sor-sorry," Stammered the chikorita.

"stammered" is lowercased.

"Pl-pl-please don't splash me"

Full stop needed after "me".

You may live-------for now"

Full stop needed after "now" and all those dashes should just be an ellipses: ...

Your story needs proper spacing. Begin a new paragraph whenever someone new speaks, or when there is a different idea to cover.

There also needs to be more description. Right now, I'm wondering how a Magikarp of all Pokemon could take over the world. If this is a parody fic, I applaud you. If not, then you need to explain somehow that a Magikarp took over the world and this is why. Perhaps have Lord Magikarp look back on how he achieved all that he did?

Eh, I'm not sure what to make of this story quite yet. So I'll wait to see what more you got. Good luck on future installments.

 

[lmjkdd6]

No I don't need to capatalized chikorita, because I said "the chikorita." Lord Magikarp is a name. And who are you to critizise my spelling and grammer? There is nothing wrong in that paragraph except for the fool thing. And it will explain everything later in the story, calm down.

 

[Percy Thrillington]

Well, actually, the only person I know that doesn't spell Pokemon names with capitals is Jax Malcolm, but she has a good reason; she treats them as if they were cats or dogs, notice how cats and dogs don't start with capitals.

Long story shory; Pokemon names start with capitals.

Also, I didn't revive this thread, just so you know.

 

[Astinus]

No I don't need to capatalized chikorita, because I said "the chikorita." Lord Magikarp is a name. And who are you to critizise my spelling and grammer? There is nothing wrong in that paragraph except for the fool thing. And it will explain everything later in the story, calm down.

There's a lot wrong in that chapter concerning your grammar. (It's kind of ironic and funny that you say you spell words so perfectly, yet you can't spell "grammar" correctly.) Instead of trotting around with that kind of attitude that you can't do anything wrong, why don't you actually realize that in this case you are wrong and learn something from it. Especially since you have three spelling errors in this post that I quoted.

And it's funny that you question who I am to correct your grammar.

 

[Percy Thrillington]

Whoa, Hanako, clam down. It is quite amusing, everything you said there... But he only has three posts, and from reading them, do you really think he bothered looking around the forums, try to figure out who the forum leaders are?

I think we both know the answer to that. So, yeah, that was my point... I think.

 

[Astinus]

Actually the main point wasn't my bold user name. It was the fact that he considered that there's nothing wrong with his chapter when there is. If he researched more the rules of English grammar, he would see that he's wrong. But instead, he continues on in a stuck-up manner and doesn't see that - Heaven forfend! - he's wrong.

The last line I wrote was just for my amusement. Perhaps I was only throwing my weight around.

Still, the matter stands that his fic needs help in the grammar department. If he doesn't want to accept that help, then he's posting to the wrong website. We have standards here that need to be upheld. Right now, his fic doesn't meet those standards and I could close it. But I'll give him a chance to improve.

Which he might if he listens to the reviews he receives and not brush them off as inconveniences.

 

[BakingBluePotatoe]

wait......... I think I've heard this before o.O

I forget where though...........

and to answer your question, Scytherkid, a fire type.

 

[Clark]

I'm liking what I'm guessing to be humor with Lord Magikarp and all (correct me if I'm wrong), but as for the story itself there could be some more on a lot of things. Since, I normally worry more about story structure than grammar, here's what I'm thinking:

A bit more description. What does the throne room look like? Is Lord Magikarp any different from other Magikarps? For him to be Lord Magikarp, it seems that he would be particularly superior to your average Magikarp; perhaps bigger or stronger? If not, it should be told in the story.

It could use more too with the character's emotions and actions. Sure, it says how they're speaking, but it would be a bit better if you perhaps told something like "how Lord Magikarp's eyes were filled with fury", or "the way chikorita flinched fearfully back from the loud voice of Lord Magkiarp".

And, just to let you know, if you can't take constructive critisism, then you won't get anywhere in this part of the forums. No one's insulting you or trying to put you down; they're trying to give you advice and tips so that you can further develop your writing skills. It's nothing personal. Every fanfic gets it, perhaps with a bit of an exception with the ones that just make you think "Wow..." So basically, don't take it the wrong way, and apply it to your work, and you'll find that you get better.