Pokemon Hirro Adventures

[Vanitas~]

Chapter 1: A New Beginning​

...
...
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"What?" Anthony asked groggily.
"I said wake up!" replied his father.
"Okay."
...
...
...
As Anthony began to stir, a lightning-bolt struck the ground outside his window, and in the flash, he saw a mysterious figure, and as quickly as the lightning struck, the shadow was gone.
"Son? Are you up yet?" His father asked anxiously.
" I'm up, I was just staring outside at the weather." Anthony said.
"Well, today is the day you set off across the region, remember?"
As soon as he heard these words, Anthony was up in a flash and ready in ten minutes flat. "Well, I think I have discovered the way to get you up for school, too." Anthony's dad joked.
"Hahaha....You are so funny." Anthony countered as he walked out the door.
"Take care of yourself son."
"I will."​

And with that, so began Anthony's exciting adventure.​

 

[Vanitas~]

Chapter 2- Meeting Coalbat

As Anthony entered Professor Dogwood's lab, the storm outside had finally subsided.
"Oh, now it stops!" he cries.
"Now now bro, today is a happy day. Today you get your first pokemon!" his older sister, Holly, scorned.
"What are you doing here?! I thought you had to get back to the Pokemon League!" Anthony cried.
"HEY! I was just coming to tell you that I'm starting a new journey, and that I want to be your first official rival. See, look at my new pokemon. Go Shreed!" Holly chimed.
Anthony was taken aback when he saw the little rodent-like creature that appeared.
"Woah! What is it?" Anthony pondered aloud.
Just then, a mechanical voice exclaimed Shreed, the Bulb-Shrew Pokemon. It's bulb tail grows larger and more brilliantly green as it gets stronger.
"What was that?" Anthony squeaked.
"A Pokedex, dear child, an encyclopedia on every Pokemon species known to human-kind." a beautiful voice cooed.
"Bro, I would like you too meet Professor Dogwood. She is the leading expert on multi-typed Pokemon." Holly said.
"And I am the person who will be giving you your first pokemon. Here, follow me." Dogwood said.
"Sweet!" an eager Anthony said as he quickly fell into step behind the Professor.
As they walked, Anthony spotted three Pokemon follow behind them, one of which he recognized as a Shreed. Another was a brightly colored bat with fiery ears and wings that glowed like the sun. The third was a squid-like Pokemon who had bubble patterns on its cerullean blue body.
I see you. Will you be my friend? something said to Anthony.
"What? Who said that?" Anthony asked, puzzled.
"That is Coalbat. He is the fire pokemon you can choose. He evolves into a Psychic Pokemon, so he can talk to you telepathically." Dogwood answered.
"Well, in that case, I want him." Anthony stated.
"Well, okay, but I think I should introduce the third starter, the Water Pokemon, Octaqua." said Dogwood.
"Well then lil' bro, let's test out our new Pokemon against each other!" Holly exclaimed.
"Okay!" replied Anthony.

End Chapter 2

(P.S.: I will be posting a new chapter everyday that I can, and I will explain more about the third starter in the next few chapters.)​

 

[Misheard Whisper]

Ah. Stop writing centred, it hurts my eyes.

Secondly, if you haven't finished a chapter, DON"T POST IT. What sort of...oh. It just hit me. You're typing this up in the reply box, aren't you? I strongly recommend that you use a word processor. If you don't have MS Word, OpenOffice is free to download, and I'm pretty sure all computers come equipped with WordPad and/or NotePad.

Your chapters are really short, too (for obvious reasons) I just read, what, two and a half chapters in, like, a minute? Most authors lean towards at least 5000 words per chapter. Personally, I go for about 2000, but still, I would normally post something that a) keeps my reader interested, b) keeps ME interested, and c)

I will be posting a new chapter everyday that I can,

NO. Don't try and hold yourself to a schedule. It bears down on you and makes you feel like you have to write even when you don't want to, resulting in substandard writing that feels forced and nobody wants to read.

As for your actual writing...

Your grammar is kind of awkward. I can't really put my finger on it, but something makes it a bit clunky. Perhaps it's the fact that it has so much dialogue. Plus, the speech needs to feel natural. In speech, people don't usually go around saying "I will", "you are", and so on. Unless they're really proper with their English, people use conjunctions. In some stories, you see ONE character who talks without conjunctions, and he/she is usually royalty, a my-daddy-owns-fifteen-hotels kinda person, or a normal person pretending to be rich to impress the cool kids.

Whew. I've talked for too long. So, bear in mind what I've said. You're under no obligation to use any of what I've suggested, of course, but I do like being able to help people, especially when the timestamp down the bottom of the page tells me I've been typing for fourteen minutes! :D (Admittedly, I did some other stuff in the middle, but meh)

Kenji out!

(heheh, I spent so long writing this it signed me out. Lesson #157 of vB boards - always Ctrl+C your messages before clicking the post button! :P)

 

[Astinus]

What Kenji said.

Rules say don't post unfinished chapters.

 

[Vanitas~]

Ok, people.... Sorry about taking so long to re-post!!


Ch. 3 ~ Vs. Shreed


"Ok, lil' bro. Since you're new to all of this, I'll go first! Shreed, use Tackle!"

"Ok then, since you are a Psychic type, Coalbat use Psychic to counter!"

Umm, not meaning to disappoint, but I can't use that attack yet. All I can use are Pound, Screech, and Ember. However, Ember is a pretty good choice since we are fighting a Grass type.

"Ok.... Then I guess use Ember!"

As the two attacks collide, a loud noise suddenly interrupts the battle, with everyone being thrown to the ground during the explosion. As the dust begins to settle, a figure can be seen amongst the rubble.

"That'll teach you to mess with us! Come on, let's go guys. Return, Grizzlear!" a disembodied voice said.

When everything settled, the figure rose up from the rubble, revealing him at last to the confused group. He was very small, and very un-intimidating. His, eyes, however, could pierce an Aggron's armor. He was a blonde boy, who agilely fled the scene.

"Who was that strange kid?" Anthony mouthed.

"I'm not sure, but something tells me we haven't seen the last of him." replied Holly.

...

Meanwhile...

"Oh man! I can't believe those idiots did that. I'm gonna have to come back late tonight and execute Operation Alpha. The boss isn't gonna like gettting only that Octaqua, though..." the small boy Damon said as he fled.
​

 

[Serendipity]

Your story is lacking, very much so. Your word count is 230, and when I take out the dialogue and leave the beef(the description), it is about 87 words. From the way your text shows in a reply box, it seems like you are typing it up in one. AS, in a reply box, it looks like a lot, and it looks real good. Just remember, you do not have a deadline, do not force one upon yourself. We can wait. We don't care if it takes a week per chapter, we care about quality.

You need to focus more on writing and not fulfilling a horribly chosen deadline. Your chapters as stated above, are short. I read all of them in just like two minutes top.
You want to keep us interested.

Since, I am lazy and do not feel like typing, I will end my rantview(reviewxrant)here.