Pokemon ShinyGold the FanFic

[~*Kanto*~]

:.: Pokemon ShinyGold the FanFic :.:

Firstly, Thank you to Zel for creating from what I have heard and can see, a great Rom Hack that inspired to start writing this. If Zel, you do have a problem with me posting screen shots and writing this, I will ask it to be deleted immediately.

Secondly, Welcome to my FanFic. Inspired by a rom with screenshots that will be written as I play with of course various add ins of my own artistic desire. I hope to write between 1 or 2 chapters a week upddating Mondays and Fridays though this may change based on school, visiting fammily and other activities.

:.:Chapters:.:

Part One: A Rookies Zephyr!

Chapter I: Awake
Chapter II: Sentry SentretsTo Come
Chapter III: Cherry Groves Teacher To Come
Chapter IV: Mr Pokemon!To Come
Chapter V: SilverTo Come
Chapter VI: A Great Journey BeginsTo Come
Chapter VII: Route 30! The Rookies of Johto.To Come
Chapter VIII: The Feathers of Violet CityTo Come
Chapter VIIII: Bell Sprout Tower Part One: A Rite of PassageTo Come
Chapter X: Bell Spout Tower Part Two: An Anger WithinTo Come
Chapter XI: Carlos, a New RivalTo Come
CHapter XII: A Reflection in the WindTo Come

:.: Prologue :.:

The Boy Who Dreamed​

"And Arcanine has let out a tremendous Fire Blast!" The TV Commentator said, images of two strange slightly monstrous creatures flicked across the TV both fighting on a great plane of ice, surrounded on all side by large glass walls and metalic screens a crod cheering behind the safety of the wolves all of them calling out as the two creatures weaved and dodged. As Hiro sat at his dinner table playing with his food he let out a sigh looked briefly at his food but found himself too distracted by the show his eyes glazing over as the battle continued.

It was his dream, since he was young to become a Pokémon Trainer, but not just any Pokémon Trainer. No, Hiro wished to become a Pokémon Master! The best, whose amazing training ability and powerful pokemon would be undefeatable, none could take him and he would be known as the champion of them all.

The battle stopped, one of the monsters, the large dog-like creature named Arcanine had just been his by a huge blast of water, delivered by a large blue serpent-like creature the commentator had said to be called Gyarados. Arcanine had swayed, first left then right but it was not long before it fell to the floor, its body limp and its fur drenched. Then suddenly a red glow surrounded the Arcanine as its Trainer returned it to its poke ball.

"With Arcanine Fainted, Kai now chooses his third and last Pokémon, hopefully he will have something to counter the mighty Gyarados that Gary has chosen as his last Pokémon for this three on three fight!" The TV buzzed once more snapping Hiro out of his trance like state, he smiled then picked up his plate placing it on the counter, briefly glancing at the note his mum had left stating she was going to the Elm's for dinner and would be back later, before returning to the TV.

The battle was back on now, with a small yellow mouse-like creature dodging between the giant fiery blast unleashed by the Gyarados. The ice that made up the area the two Pokémon were fighting on was now melting quite quickly and when the Gyarados had finally paused for breath only a small circle of ice was left. The mouse stopped, looking up at the gigantic serpent as it raised into the air a predatory gleam in its eye as it charged towards it... And then the TV Flashed white. At first the TV just went blank the fuzz of TV white noise spreading across its screen before it refocused.

The Serpent now lay on its side its burn scaly side barely visible as it lay on its side in the water. A replay flashed up on the screen, showing the small yellow mouse quickly moving as the crashed in to the ice barely getting its tail out of the way in time before it jumped landing in the pool and letting out a cry as amazing blast of electricity burst from its body sending the serpent into the air writhing in pain as the electric coursed through its body.

"And Kai wins! His Pikachu's final record breaking thunder attack according to reports knocking out TVs briefly across the Kanto and Johto regi..."The commentator said then was cut off as Hiro clicked the power button on the remote.

One day, he too would battle trainers in competitions. He would be a Pokemaster.​

 

[~*Kanto*~]

To be updated with chapter I

 

[Astinus]

PFF rules state that your first post must contain a prologue/chapter, so you should edit your prologue into your first post.

PFF rules also state that you shouldn't mess with the font in your story. So I don't know why your dialogue is a lovely shade of seafoam green.

And maybe you should have asked Zel first to do this? o_O It doesn't seem like you have his permission, and I don't know how he'll take it to see his rom used like this without him knowing.

Now onto the review.

"And Arcanine has let out a tremendous Fire Blast!"The Tv Commentator said, images of two strange slightly monstrous creatures flicked across the TV as Hiro sat at his dinner table playing with his food, to distracted by the show, his eyes glazing over as the battle continued.

Missing the space after the closing quotation marks. And holy...this is a run-on sentence. You should split this. Describe what's on the TV (which is always two capital letters). Then use another set of sentences to describe Hiro watching the TV. "Commentator" shouldn't be capitalized. Bold word should be "too".

It was his dream, since he was young to become a Pokémon Trainer, but not just any Pokémon trainer.

Why capitalize "trainer" in one instance, but not keep it constant?

No, Hiro wished to become a Pokémon master!

Same with "master". You capitalize "trainer" but not "master".

p0okemon

Um...

The battle stopped, one of the monsters, the large dog like creature named Arcanine had just been his by a huge blast of water, delivered by a large blue serpent like creature the commentator had said to be called Gyrados.

Run-on sentence again. "Dog-like" is hyphenated, as well as "serpent-like". Bold "his" should be "hit". And it's spelled "Gyarados".

Then suddenly a red glow surrounded the Arcanine as it Trainer returned it to its poke ball.

"its"

The tv buzzed once more snapping Hiro out of his trance like state, he smiled then picked up his plate placing it on the counter. Briefly glancing at the note his mum had left stating she was going to the Elm's for dinner and would be back later, before returning to the TV.

These two sentences should be combined because the second one makes no sense on its own. And then it should be split because it's a run-on sentence. "Trance-like" is hyphenated.

The battle was back on now, with a small yellow mouse like creature dodging between giant fiery blast unleashed by the Gyrados the Ice that made up the area the to Pokémon were fighting in was now melting quite quickly and when the Gyrados had finally paused for breath only a small circle of Ice was left.

Another run-on sentence. There's way too much information crammed into this one sentence. And this is kind of an awkward time to mention that the battlefield is made of ice, since the prologue is almost over. And "mouse-like" is hyphenated. Bold word should be "two". And "ice" isn't always capitalized.

At 1st the tv just went blank the fuzz of white noise spreading across its screen before it refocused.

You should write out numbers less than 100, even in this case. It should be "first".

A replay flashed up on the screen, showing the small yellow mouse quickly moving as the crashed in to the ice barely getting its tail out of the way in time before it jumped landing in the pool and letting out a cry as amazing blast of electricity burst from its body sending the serpent into the air writhing in pain as the electric coursed through its body.

Yet another run-on sentence. See how much information you have crammed into this one sentence?

One day, he to would battle trainers in competitions.

"too"

You seem to have a problem with "two/to/too" and run-on sentences. The first can be solved by reading over the Grammar Advice thread stickied in the Lounge. The second you can solve by reading your story out-loud before posting it. This way, you can hear the awkward sentences and fix them.

 

[~*Kanto*~]

*SNIP*

Thank you for your comments I have righted what you pointed out. I am sending a pm to Zel now, if he disaproves I'll do as I said.

 

[zel 2.0]

Me? Posting in the Fan Fiction area? I really never expected that... O.o

Anyway, yeah, I dont have problems with that. The credits is just enough to me. And, though I'm sure I wont be around to check how's it going (not very afficionated to reading stuff -_-), I wish you luck with it.

 

[~*Kanto*~]

Thanks, Zel.

I'll get chapter I up sometime today...

 

[Blue Angel]

It's not that i don't like that beginning, it is just that it is over-used for a kid to be watching a Pokemon Battle on TV and say something like "That's gonna be me some day!" or "I'll be the greatest Pokemon Trainer ever!"

It isn't an original start to a story. It is almost as cliche as waking up late, running out the door, and getting your Pokemon from the Professor.

You had good description and didn't go off with major amounts of dialog. Those are quite good qualities. You are not a bad writer at all, you just need to avoid cliches were possible.

 

[~*Kanto*~]

:.: Chapter I: Awake :.:
​

Hiro's eyes flickered open, his eyes flicking around the room taking in the poster covered walls and the computer against the far wall. Yawning he threw the covers away sliding his legs over the beds edge and slipping his feet in to his Caterpie slippers he stood and walked over to his wardrobe to pick out his clothes.

Five minutes later he was dressed his red travel jacket, yellow cap and shorts having been quickly dragged out from a draw needed their crease brushing down before he grabbed his rucksack and headed downstairs. As he got to the bottom of the stairs the smells of Bacon and eggs filled his nostril and he chucked his bag down by the table taking a seat as he waited for his mum to notice him their, soon she turned and smiled at him.

"Good Morning!" She said cheerily walking over to the table, she placed two plates full of eggs and bacon and sat down quickly taking off her apron and straightening her hair band before starting on her food. As Hiro started on his conversation broke out.

"Any plans today, hun," She said looking over Hiro's Rucksack before returning to her food.

"Just going to go see Elm, he wants me to do something." the boy replied smiling as his mum nodded giving him a look as if she had already known, he had been visiting Elm and doing stuff with the professor every day since his ninth birthday in the hope that when he turned ten, which he had just four years ago Elm would give him a Pokémon.

This however was not possible, his dad had fallen ill soon after his tenth birthday quickly passing away a few months after. Ever since, Hiro had to work for the professor to help earn money for rent and bills.

When he and his mum had finished their food Hiro jumped up and took the plates washing them quickly in the sink before grabbing his bag and running through the door just managing to shout a "GOODBYE!" to his mum before he made his way to the Professors Lab.

Professor Elm was an accomplished man who had earned his name in Pokémon Weekly for his discoveries in the research of Pokémon Evolution, he had several awards which he kept in his lab. Trainers and those interested in his research flocked in from all over the Johto Region in hope that they could either work under the professor as an Aide or would be giving a Pokémon so they to could earn their fame in the Pokémon world.

The professor was a wiry man whose thick glasses and slightly messy hair gave him a scruffy look and had been said before that had he not constantly wore his grubby white lab coat no one would recognize him as a professor.

Hiro barely looked around him as he darted through the town passing the small houses, beautiful flower displays and the children playing by the water stopping only briefly to look back at them chuckling to himself as he saw them tossing rubber balls and pretending they were Pokémon trainers. He had once been like that.

He was so distracted in fact that he didn't notice a red-haired boy skulking round the corner of the lab as Hiro charged through the door quickly apologizing for being late and making his way to the professor who stood by his desk looking over something.

The red-haired boy peered through the window, he watched another who had joined Elm just seconds ago. All these interruptions were getting to him and he felt a surge of anger spread through as he watched the pair. He had come here to collect something, and nothing would stop him not even these pathetic start struck children who seemed to bother the professor in hopes to become a trainer. He brushed his hair out of his yes before sliding the windows open slightly trying to listening in on what they were both saying.

"Hiro?" Elm said turning around as Hiro burst through the door, Hiro was babbling an apology something about being late and it was five minutes before he stopped babbling not enough breath left in his lungs after the running. Elm just smiled at this and when finally the child who had been his assistant for the past four years calmed down he finally spoke.

"I have a job for you, a bit of an adventure..." The Professor began... but he was interrupted. An email popped up on his screen cheering an alert that echoed through out the lab, he turned frowning checked who the email was from and then smiled he turned to Hiro and gestured opening the mail.

A video popped up on the screen a slightly hunched elderly had appeared on the screen giving them both a look of bewilderment as he tapped the screen muttered something about technology and then started to speak.
"ELM! ELM CAN YOU HEAR ME!" He shouted into the microphone. The man looked around to the door behind him as someone knocked on it and he quickly turned to look at the screen.

"I have found something amazing! Send someone to pick it up quick, you will be amazed!" He said then the email video finished, Elm was now frowning again.

" I see my friend Mr. Pokémon has something for me..."He said to no one in particular walking away from his PC he walked over to a desk rummaged through the draw and pulled out three spherical metallic object all three white and red.

" Maybe I should give you a different job, a bit of a quest in fact."The professor said a gleam in his eye.

 

[Blue Angel]

It was a slightly cliched start with the bacon and eggs aspect(which you didn't take forever describing - thankfully) and being late to meet with a Professor.

I liked the poor aspect too, because you make quite a bit of money from being a trainer, which I couldn't tell if he had any Pokemon yet.

BTW, Don't ever bold your dialog. I have no idea why you did it, but don't. It is unnecessary and makes it more difficult to read. The bolding distracts from the rest.

You forgot some commas, made some spelling errors, etc. The boldings are my changes/corrections. The "..." separates each part with errors in it.

"Any plans today, hun," She said looking over Hiro's Rucksack before returning to her food.

...

This however was not possible, his dad had fallen ill soon after his tenth birthday quickly passing away a few months after. Ever since, Hiro had to work for the professor to help earn money for rent and bills.

...

Professor Elm was an accomplished man who had earned his name in Pokémon Weekly for his discoveries in the research of Pokémon Evolution, he had several awards which he kept in his lab.

...
"I have found something amazing! Send someone to pick it up quick, you will be amazed!" He said then the email video finished, Elm was now frowning again.

" I see my friend Mr. Pokémon has something for me..."He said to no one in particular walking away from his PC he walked over to a desk rummaged through the draw and pulled out three spherical metallic object all three white and red.

 

[~*Kanto*~]

Thankyou for your comments. And yes I know the Cliches... I'll try and void them more later on.

 

[NavadeHo]

Hi,

Am I supposed to first trim the ROM and then patch it with the IPS file or first patch it and then trim it?

Or shouldn't I trim the ROM at all?

TIA,

NavadeHo

Edit: And is this the way to let a ROM hack work with all hacks?
I am going to put it on a flashcart btw.

 

[Astinus]

wtf.

Closed for plain idiocy.