While I object to dark's tone, I'll have to agree. I had to actually hit the quote button, not because I wanted to reply but instead because I literally couldn't read this otherwise. Tiny fonts are not friendly to old eyes! @_@
Also, throughout this, I'll bold any grammatical errors I've corrected and explain why as soon as the paragraph breaks.
In the Zinto Region, in the hideout of Team Darkchlo, a mysterious event was happening…
Don't capitalize in the middle of a sentence unless it's a proper noun or the pronoun I. Basically, capitalizing is only used for the beginning of a sentence, the pronoun I, or a name. Otherwise, there's really no reason to go and capitalize.
The intelligent Pokemon Mew was being cloned.
Again, don't capitalize just
any word.
Also, don't use ellipses so often. Ellipses imply that your voice is trailing off. For the beginning of the fic, you want your voice to be
strong and
confident so you can establish the mood efficiently. In other words, if you want to draw us in emotionally, you'll want to make sure your voice is firm by using periods. Otherwise, we'll feel as if you're telling us this story in a mumble.
Lastly, I'm not sure how I feel about a Mew getting cloned. It's something that's been done so many times in fanfiction since
Pokemon: The First Movie that it's gotten a little stale. I'm not saying that your writing in particular is stale (well, not this early, at least), but you'll want to avoid that kind of plotline if you really want to make an impact.
The leader of Darkchlo was making a master clone of Mew, under the rule of the shadow. He called the clone Shade Mew.
Given that this is actually a chapter, you'll want to actually tell us what's going on. As in, maybe have this be a scene with description and dialogue, rather than just a summary of events. If you continue with this kind of style (summarizing, rather than actually telling us what happened), then you may lose readers because we'll start to feel as if the story isn't going to be happening.
But every event has a hero to save.
I'm not sure if you meant this, but right now, you just said that the hero is need of rescuing. As in, they're in danger right now, and some other character is going to come in and help.
I would suggest saying something along the lines of, "But every event has a hero." That's really all you need to do. Chop off the last two words, and it makes more sense.
And here is Dawn arriving.
Wait, huh? What does Dawn look like? How did she manage to break into the base of an evil organization?
I just think that it feels odd to see Dawn randomly teleport into this laboratory. I would suggest building up to this part. Maybe start by showing us Dawn creeping in and describing why she's there. Otherwise, it's a very deus ex machina moment, and on top of that, it feels as if you've put the last scene first in this fanfiction.
Also, I assume this is the main character of the games. At which point, I just find it odd she'd be breaking into a laboratory, all gung-ho. In a region that isn't Sinnoh. Maybe describe the character's appearance or establish how much time has passed and why Dawn came to this new region?
'And what can you do about it, stupid morning?' replied the leader.
Questions use question marks at the end, and you still need a period at the end of a sentence, even if it contains dialogue.
Also, stupid morning? While her name is Dawn, I just feel like that's an odd insult, something that's a bit awkward and out-of-the-blue. After all, you don't mention if (and how) the leader knows Dawn's name, and even then, calling someone a "morning" really makes no sense anyway (because that's not much of an insult). Maybe if he was batcrap insane...
'It's Dawn,' replied Dawn. 'Now, Empoleon use Ice Beam!'
In general, you'll want to punctuate dialogue. With commas and dialogue, usually, commas take the place of the period for either part (the dialogue or its tag) that occurs before the part it's associated with. So, for example, if the dialogue comes before its tag like the above, the comma goes in the quotation marks, like I've bolded.
If the tag comes first, then the comma goes where the bold period is. For example:
Dawn said, "It's Dawn."
See what I mean? If it's confusing, I can try to explain a bit further.
Then, you need a period after the tag (unless the tag occurs in mid-sentence) to show that you've complete a sentence. The exclamation point at the end is just to show excitement. You can go with a period instead, but it makes Dawn's voice sound flatter than you'll want. Either way, you need an ending punctuation mark.
Also, where did the Empoleon come from? It just sort of randomly appeared when it was convenient. And why is Dawn giving the bad guys her name? I don't think even Ash did that.
'Empolei! growled Empoleon, freezing the cloning machine.
You'll want to go into more detail about the move. While I don't suggest going overboard, a simple description of Empoleon firing a beam would be good. Preferably in its own sentence. Right now, it feels like you're rushing, and really, the attacks are one of the cooler and more exciting elements to a Pokemon fanfiction. Treat them like magic: with respect in the form of more than a couple words to describe them.
'Now, what can you about it little zero?' said Dawn.
Comma after the first word. It's an introduction word, so you'll want to separate it.
Also, reread that sentence. Notice anything missing? Yep. A verb. I suggest "do," but you can really put a number of things there.
Lastly, it feels like Dawn's cracking the odd insults now, too. Little? Is he really little compared to her, considering he's got a whole lab, money, and a lot of power (and maybe a few more inches in height)? Also, zero really isn't much of an insult. Not one you'd hear that often, anyway.
'This!' replied the leader.
He's being forceful, so you'll want to get rid of the ellipsis in favor for something with some emotion. As I've said before, ellipses weaken and soften what you say. You can't use them in places where you
really want a character to be shouting.
'Shadow Houndoom, use Flamethrower,' ordered the leader, using the Poke Ball.
First off, this is a direct address, or a moment when the speaker is speaking
directly to a subject. In other words, if you remove the name, the sentence still makes sense. So, you need the comma to separate them.
Second, I'm not really sure why you put this in its own paragraph. It should really be a continuation of the one above it because the leader is still speaking.
Third, since you're capitalizing "Pokemon" and all Pokemon species, you'll need to capitalize "Poke Ball" as well for consistency. Additionally, yeah, it's two words.
Fourth and final, where did the Poke Ball come from? O_o
A shadowy, so evil Houndoom appeared, using Flamethrower.
I'm not sure why you put "Houndoom" all in caps, but don't.
Second, don't put down "so evil." It just makes me think that this is being told by a Valley Girl, and anyway, "so evil" really doesn't describe the Houndoom. What makes anything evil is what they
do. So far, we really can't see that this Houndoom is evil because we're not given any sort of indication that it
is, if that makes sense.
In other words, this is just the "show, don't tell" philosophy. What that means is if you can
show us how it's evil by describing it or what it does, then we'll think it's evil. If you, instead, just say it's evil, then we won't think it's evil because we don't know
why it's evil.
Also, again, describe Pokemon attacks. Don't just stop and say it's using one. It's a bit lazy, and it doesn't give us a good visual of what's going on.
Everything became pink, blue, silver and white.
Everything is one word.
Celebi and Jirachi came for help.
?!!
No, seriously. Where did they come from?
In general, you'll want to avoid deus ex machina, or moments when something happens out of the blue for the benefit of the hero. In fact, this is taking "deus ex machina" a bit literally, considering this is pretty much the gods coming down out of nowhere in order to help solve problems. The problem with doing this is that it's incredibly unbelievable. Rather than have the hero work things out themselves, gods have to help them, which makes for a softer, less plausible ending than if the hero just worked things out using strategy. It would actually be more interesting to see the latter than watching the gods come down from their high heaven in order to lend a hand. Why? Because there's more tension in watching the hero fight for herself.
Jirachi made a massive ball of steel to destroy that stupid cloning machine before it was too late.
Only use a semicolon to link two independent clauses (pieces that could stand on their own as full sentences)
if the two are closely related.
Celebi was destroying every natural part in the Shade Mew.
Since you capitalized "Shade Mew" earlier, you'll want to do it again for consistency.
But what happened is what happened.
Just get rid of this completely. It actually doesn't make much sense in the story. Instead, try describing
how Shade Mew is successful. As in, what that actually means. Did the process complete itself? Did Shade Mew rise and show off some powers it has as a Shade Mew?
...What
is a Shade Mew anyway? You state that it's a clone made with shadows, but even that is a bit vague.
Shade Mew was successful and began damaging Empoleon, Celebi and Jirachi.
Choose a tense and stick with it. As in, the rest of your writing is in the past tense (was, began), so you don't want a present-tense verb (is). That's just to avoid confusing the readers.
'I have a suggestion,' said Dawn. 'LET'S GET OUTTA HERE!'
Again, punctuate dialogue.
Dawn ran as fast as a Deoxys when he chooses to boost his speed.
1. If you're going to capitalize species names, capitalize Deoxys as well.
2. The simile feels awkward. First off, it implies Dawn knows about Deoxys (which I hope she doesn't). Second, if you need to further describe what she's being compared to, then it's already too long. I would suggest trying an ordinary Pokemon that can be mentioned in one or two words. Like "Rapidash" or "Dodrio."
2a. Although it would be easier to take this description seriously if you just said she ran faster than she ever had.
3. I find it amusing that Dawn
still hasn't reacted to the fact that Jirachi and Celebi are randomly there. Please don't tell me she owns those Pokemon.
'Ok, Celebi,' said Jirachi.
'Jirachi,' said Celebi.
'Both of you ….'
Note the line breaks. Since you've been doing this for dialogue earlier, you should really continue to do this. As in, put an empty line of space between each new paragraph (i.e. when the speaker changes).
Mew flew to Jirachi and said, 'That was me!'
The "and said" is just a way of avoiding using the "ing" form of the verb to describe what's happening. Also, it makes it clear that Mew's the one speaking, not Jirachi.
Also... buh? Where did Mew come from?
The three said, 'The Intelligent Trio, hand in hand, join their power in using the move Psychic and shall throw it unto the Shade Mew, and let Shade Mew go lullaby till the destiny chooses a saver…'
1. Use "join" instead of "joined." This is like a spell, so it's in present tense.
2. I would suggest removing "using the move Psychic." It would sound a bit better if you just had them join their powers. Psychic is more of the name humans gave to Pokemon techniques, so it feels odd to see Pokemon (Meowth aside) describe their natural abilities as "moves."
3. ...Go lullaby? That... doesn't actually make sense. I'm assuming you mean "sleep," but...
Overall, um... There's a lot here that could be improved. First off, you've
got to proofread. A lot of mistakes were just in basic grammar, such as failing to punctuate the end of a sentence and capitalizing random words in the middle of one. Read over your work carefully, and if you're not great in grammar, find someone to beta read for you. I would recommend just reading over the guides
here and the one in the stickies to get an idea about the basics at least so you can fix up your stories yourself and so you can learn how to improve.
As for the story, I feel like you've rushed a lot of this. You don't really describe too much, and you throw in random Pokemon appearing out of nowhere to use random moves in order to get the job done. Slow down and describe everything in detail, including how people and Pokemon arrive onto the scene. Remember that we're not psychic, so we can't see the image that's in your mind. We need
you to detail what's going on for us so we can feel attached to the moment.
That and the entire legendary thing was a bit too deus ex for my tastes. I don't mean to be biting, but surely, there's another way for Dawn to solve this problem other than to call upon legendaries (that she seems to have completely ignored). The reason why I say this is because as soon as the legendaries came onto the scene, you've completely ignored Dawn except for one line. That and it's a cheap way out. While I understand that you want Shade Mew to fall asleep, surely there's another way to do it. Get a Ninetales, for example, or another Pokemon capable of laying down a curse (and there are a few).
Long story short, I just felt this was a bit too rushed. Just take your time and really think about how you're going to have things happen.
And, of course, read over what you wrote. Thoroughly.
Edit: Couple of notes to Oni:
Re, talking Pokemon: Meowth, Maiden's Peak Gastly, and Shamouti Slowking? Not to mention I took it to mean Pokemon speech, given that the trio are just conversing among themselves.
Re, describing a Poke Ball and certain popular Pokemon: You assume your readers know what a Poke Ball and other canon elements are because you're writing for people who are well-acquainted with the canon as it is. (As in, the fans who have been around long enough to realize there's fanfiction, not their parents or new fans who don't know what the legendary Pokemon look like.) You don't need to describe something that obvious. You
do, however, need to describe a lot of other things, including how moves are used (because of the potential consequences of said move).
