Miz en Scène
Everybody's connected
- 1,645
- Posts
- 15
- Years
- The Wired
- Seen May 16, 2024
Okay, a requested review which I took a long time to get done because…? I have no excuse. I'm a lazy bastard, so sue me. Anyway, since I'm here now, which is better late than never (shame I could never apply that in real life), I think the time's ripe to be doing you a review since, it seems, you really might deserve one. You know what? Everyone deserves a review. It's just that not everyone wants to review everything.
I'll get to the grammar and story-telling elements in the final part of my review since it's not actually that serious at this point in time, but first plot!
Plot:
From my observations, what you have here is your standard-fair journey fic with a twist or so it seems. Volkner and Cyrus travelling together in the Sinnoh region is something which I don't really expect since I'm more of the persuasion that Cyrus was the kind of loner-kid who hanged out in the library, but that's just me. Anyway, it's an interesting premise here, especially with your use of the fact that Volkner hates Pokémon, that he's not actually on a legal Pokémon journey (not having a trainer's license), and that he hasn't received his Pokémon in the standard journey fic manner. It's refreshing to say the least. Of course, your journey, too, is quite the eccentric one because you're mostly deviating from the standard route in more ways than one. In fact, the only kind of oddity surrounding the journey is why he's doing it in the first place. To make myself clearer, not why Volkner is doing it (we know he's bored), but why Mana got him to do it in the first place, which is a plot point I will wait for.
Characterization:
Ah, here's the first snag in your story. Characterization. I can't really go in-depth in this respect because, to be honest (and I'm being brutally honest) is that you're characters are shallow. Not incredibly shallow like Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection, but shallow in that there's nothing really there beyond what you're writing to show the reader. Here and there, I'm able to detect traces of an attempt at portraying Volkner's growing love towards Pokémon, but only traces and at scattered intervals, quite inconsistent and with no actual flow. There's no subtle growth, if you can understand what I'm saying. Everything's too explicit. What you might want to try is, as opposed to explaining how Volkner is feeling, you may just want to show it with his actions in the description. Possibly a simple smile here, not too much on telling but more on showing. Tell me if I'm not making any sense or if I'm being too pushy. I'm only being this harsh because the story has potential and it would be a shame to see it go to waste.
I think a better way of explaining this would be to refer to a visual example. If you watch any anime with battle sequences that link to a friendship kind of theme, you'll notice that there's not much in the way of telling the viewer, but you (the viewer) will, nonetheless, be able to grasp that there is a growing friendship between these two characters. It's this kind of implicit understanding that writers try to emulate in fiction when building character relationships. Something I suggest you might want to try. Particularly during battle scenes.
Which brings me to my next point. Battling with regards to character development or Pokémon-human interaction. Now, this may seem irrelevant because, hey, battling's part of the action, so what's it got to do with developing characters? Well, seeing as journey fics are all about the relationship between the Pokémon and its trainer and the main focus of the franchise is battling, it would be right to say that these two go together quite well in the world of Pokémon fanfiction. Your battles, throughout the entire fic save the Floaroma gym battle have all really been quite mechanical without paying any attention to character development. Basically, what you've been doing is describing the battle but forgetting that the trainers and Pokémon are actually sentient. There's not much emotion, just the standard order/hit-no-hit/commendation format. Try to inject more subtle description into the battles. Maybe Volkner smiling at the Pokémon. Or maybe even a scene where order and action come fluidly into play. Be creative.
Miscellaneous and Grammar:
I actually prefer to come up with my own surnames to be honest. Adding together western and eastern names is rarely a good idea unless your character has a mixed ancestry. In my opinion, western and eastern names just looks weird. Sure Denzi may pass off as western, but Cyrus Akagi takes the cake. Persian and Japanese? Also, Mikan will always be a given name to me, never a surname so yeah… :/
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And that concludes my not-so-comprehensive-but-quite-long-review. I was debating on how you were going to take it, but I'm assuming that you're receptive towards reviews. So yeah, sorry for taking too long. Enjoy.
I'll get to the grammar and story-telling elements in the final part of my review since it's not actually that serious at this point in time, but first plot!
Plot:
From my observations, what you have here is your standard-fair journey fic with a twist or so it seems. Volkner and Cyrus travelling together in the Sinnoh region is something which I don't really expect since I'm more of the persuasion that Cyrus was the kind of loner-kid who hanged out in the library, but that's just me. Anyway, it's an interesting premise here, especially with your use of the fact that Volkner hates Pokémon, that he's not actually on a legal Pokémon journey (not having a trainer's license), and that he hasn't received his Pokémon in the standard journey fic manner. It's refreshing to say the least. Of course, your journey, too, is quite the eccentric one because you're mostly deviating from the standard route in more ways than one. In fact, the only kind of oddity surrounding the journey is why he's doing it in the first place. To make myself clearer, not why Volkner is doing it (we know he's bored), but why Mana got him to do it in the first place, which is a plot point I will wait for.
Characterization:
Ah, here's the first snag in your story. Characterization. I can't really go in-depth in this respect because, to be honest (and I'm being brutally honest) is that you're characters are shallow. Not incredibly shallow like Narcissus who fell in love with his own reflection, but shallow in that there's nothing really there beyond what you're writing to show the reader. Here and there, I'm able to detect traces of an attempt at portraying Volkner's growing love towards Pokémon, but only traces and at scattered intervals, quite inconsistent and with no actual flow. There's no subtle growth, if you can understand what I'm saying. Everything's too explicit. What you might want to try is, as opposed to explaining how Volkner is feeling, you may just want to show it with his actions in the description. Possibly a simple smile here, not too much on telling but more on showing. Tell me if I'm not making any sense or if I'm being too pushy. I'm only being this harsh because the story has potential and it would be a shame to see it go to waste.
I think a better way of explaining this would be to refer to a visual example. If you watch any anime with battle sequences that link to a friendship kind of theme, you'll notice that there's not much in the way of telling the viewer, but you (the viewer) will, nonetheless, be able to grasp that there is a growing friendship between these two characters. It's this kind of implicit understanding that writers try to emulate in fiction when building character relationships. Something I suggest you might want to try. Particularly during battle scenes.
Which brings me to my next point. Battling with regards to character development or Pokémon-human interaction. Now, this may seem irrelevant because, hey, battling's part of the action, so what's it got to do with developing characters? Well, seeing as journey fics are all about the relationship between the Pokémon and its trainer and the main focus of the franchise is battling, it would be right to say that these two go together quite well in the world of Pokémon fanfiction. Your battles, throughout the entire fic save the Floaroma gym battle have all really been quite mechanical without paying any attention to character development. Basically, what you've been doing is describing the battle but forgetting that the trainers and Pokémon are actually sentient. There's not much emotion, just the standard order/hit-no-hit/commendation format. Try to inject more subtle description into the battles. Maybe Volkner smiling at the Pokémon. Or maybe even a scene where order and action come fluidly into play. Be creative.
Miscellaneous and Grammar:
Because I'm of the canon which places the Pokémon Universe as an AU Japan, It'd be fitting to point out the emergency call number in Japan is 110 for the police or 119 for anything else."To enter here, you'll need to pay ninety-one dollars and ten cents. Minus zero," he said, irritating Volkner slightly. A huge sum, and he was even trying to tell him that he refused to cut off the price in the slightest.
"... I'm not here to get in, just taking a l-"
Once again, the blue haired person cut him off, his silver-sleeved arm reaching up to scratch behind his head. He winced a bit, as if something pained him.
"You wanted to ask questions? Same price."
Why was this guy so intent on-
Ninety-one ten spelled out nine-one-one-zero. He said minus zero.
Nine one one. Was this guy in some sort of danger? No, it couldn't be. Even so, why would he ask a boy like Volkner to save him?
Now I don't know much about nursing, but the youngest a nurse an actually be is eighteen or so, you know, past the legal minimum. And that's if said nurse is undergoing an internship. Even though the Joy's are a nursing family, so to speak, fifteen's a bit young don't you think? Your mileage may vary, but it could be mistaken for fetish fuel in certain cases. Best not take any chances, no?"Oh my," the attendant said. "Quite the tale... you're sure you're alright? We have a few spare Cheri Berries around here."
Volkner smiled slightly, glad the pity card was working. This young little nurse, probably barely over fifteen, was swooning over his little war story and he was loving every second of it. He simply shook his head and allowed himself to limp off.
Non. XD[Formula = English Name + Japanese Name = Full name. Algebraic genius, si?]
I actually prefer to come up with my own surnames to be honest. Adding together western and eastern names is rarely a good idea unless your character has a mixed ancestry. In my opinion, western and eastern names just looks weird. Sure Denzi may pass off as western, but Cyrus Akagi takes the cake. Persian and Japanese? Also, Mikan will always be a given name to me, never a surname so yeah… :/
You don't really need to list out their shopping list if it's not relevant. In this case, since your story, or the chapter even, does not involve the trio and their struggles in obtaining the items on the list, then you'd pretty much be better off not mentioning it at all.POKE BALLS X 5 (each) (75$)
SUPER POTIONS X 3 (each) (180$)
FULL HEALS X 10 (each) (300$)
DRIED POKECHOW PACKS X 10 (30$)
DRIED PEOPLE FOOD PACKS X 3 (each, should last 'till our next destination. And by each I mean all three of us!) (45$)
REPELS X 5 (250$)
ESTIMATED COST: 880 PokeDollars
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And that concludes my not-so-comprehensive-but-quite-long-review. I was debating on how you were going to take it, but I'm assuming that you're receptive towards reviews. So yeah, sorry for taking too long. Enjoy.