Small Writing Competition

[AllergicProductions]

Alright, my entry's in. Sorry if this was inconvenient; it took longer than I predicted.

 

[bobandbill]

Entry is received!

I'll also mention that once judging is over you can post your entry in the FF&W section, which I'd advise doing. =)

 

[Cutlerine]

All entries received here, too. I'll also add my support to bobandbill's suggestion that you post your entries in the FF&W section; I'm building up quite a lot of notes as I read through these, and I'll be able to give them all as more detailed feedback in the context of a review. Or perhaps I'll just condense them and stick them in with the results; that'll probably get them to you quicker.

F.A.B.

 

[Sapphire Rose]

When does this contest end?

And do the fanfictions have to end or can they also have open endings?

 

[Cutlerine]

When does this contest end?

And do the fanfictions have to end or can they also have open endings?

Well, we don't really have a set end date now that we've gone past our second deadline, but if you have a story in mind, scribble it down in the next day or so and enter!

We will only accept completed stories, but, you know, if you wanted to have a Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels-style ending where the outcome is ambiguous, that would be totally cool. What we can't accept is a story that reads like Chapter One of a much longer story - it does have to be a complete, self-contained entity, ambiguous ending or not.

F.A.B.

 

[Sapphire Rose]

Ah I see c: then i'll go write something down then~


EDIT: I PM'ed my entry to all the judges!

 

[Cutlerine]

Thanks. Your entry has been received!

F.A.B.

 

[Sapphire Rose]

When will the contest end? ^^

 

[Cosmic Fury]

I believe we've received most (if not all) of the entries, so I'm sure that it's safe to say that we'll begin judging soon.

If the other two are ready to begin judging, I'll get to work myself and will have my own results up within a few days.

 

[bobandbill]

We've already started, Cosmic. =p PM us or use the planning thread (usually we do the former) the scores/comments if you have any of the latter, and I'll put them together for posting.

On that note, I'm not too far from finishing myself.

 

[Sapphire Rose]

I don't want to sound impatient… but when will the results be up? ^^

 

[Cosmic Fury]

They'll be up sometime tomorrow. I'm almost finished and bobandbill was finished yesterday.

 

[bobandbill]

And the results are in! There's comments attached from each of the judges as well.

Thanks for joining everyone. Please post your stories to the FF&W section so others can check them out!


5th

DISCORD – EliteBeats

Overall (out of 30):

bobandbill: 14
Cosmic Fury: 13
Cutlerine: 13

GRAND TOTAL: 40/90

Score Breakdown and Comments:

Spoiler:

bobandbill:

Spoiler:

5/10 Spelling and Grammar
4/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
5/10 Relevance to Prompt
14/30 Total

I felt that the constant 4th wall breakage, especially with the story beginning and especially more so with how the story ended, was one of the biggest problems the entry had. The humour I felt was intended behind it didn't really work, and so it just served to disrupt the story. Going without that, or maybe a better execution of that, would have helped.

The story itself was alright, but a bit simplistic and suffering in the setup. Some parts of it were also confusing such as how the city had been such a utopia but there was no transport, which seems an odd thing for a civilised culture to not have. The ending seemed rather easily reached, although the theme of both the two parts of the species reconciling and the romance of the two leaders is a good one, which could perhaps be expanded.

It was in a deserted beach, where the winds of the sea life blew with their salty grace as they repelled the sounds of the bustling city, on the damp sand that melded perfectly with the rocks around, there was a young lady lying on her back.

The opening of the story was not too easy to follow due to it being a run-on sentence. You'd want to keep each subject to their own sentence, so the last part about a lady on the beach could be separated from the rest. (There also seems to be a contradiction in a lady being on a beach that was earlier described as deserted).

Thousands of eons ago, there was a man between man and machine!

A bit of proof reading would have helped too, so that small things like 'a man between man and machine' wouldn't crop up.

There was a special kind of inhabitants in here,

Doesn't need the plural there, I feel.

Until the marginated attacked...
From all around, those who were called freaks, crazy ones,

Sometimes you used these stand-alone lines to continue the story, but they more interrupted the pacing and the use of ellipses seemed odd. A bit more spacing would have helped too with presentation in this case.

A Blurb by the name or Coriccio

of. I am not sure what relevance their names had besides to maybe make this one distinct to the name of the other, which didn't work too well given their names were very similar.

Hatred. They couldn't possibly hate eachother more now...

Missing a space there, which is something a spell/grammar checker would have certainly caught.

The story isn't a bad basis, it just needs more work with proof reading, some expansion into the theme, and perhaps just gone without the beginning/end shenanigans.

Cosmic Fury:

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar: 6/10 -- Alright, so there are mechanical errors throughout the story. I'll just give the first paragraph as an example. These are just elaborate sentence fragments, among other things.

Characterization, Plot, and Description 4/10 -- First off, there is no plot, and hardly any characterization, if it may be called that. The story doesn't follow any sort of logical order from start to finish, and that's not even counting the numerous false starts here. I understand that this was an attempt to be funny, but unfortunately it didn't rub the right way. The description and the style used for it were actually pretty good throughout, so that's where the points come from.

Relevance to Prompt: 3/10 -- Unfortunately, this story has almost nothing to do with unity/union, or any of their synonyms. Instead, the story is very chaotic, and represents the exact opposite of the plot. This piece was a good attempt at completely turning it on its head, but unfortunately it didn't do your normally excellent writing any justice.

Total: 13/30

Cutlerine:

Spoiler:

4/10 Spelling and Grammar
3/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
6/10 Relevance to Prompt
13/30 Total

OK. I'm English, so I'm extremely bad at giving people criticism unless I whisper it to someone else behind their back ("Did that guy just skip the queue? Isn't that terrible of him? No, I don't want to confront him about it.") but here goes: this did not feel like a story. It felt like someone trying to be funny – and as any good comedian will tell you, that's the surest way not to be funny at all. As it was, you spent a bit too much time on that and not nearly enough time on the meat of the story itself, the war and reconciliation, with the result that the story isn't very well formed.

That might sound harsh. Reading it back, it sounds harsh to me, which makes me very uncomfortable, but it has to be said. The false starts, the set-up with the narrator speaking directly to the reader – none of that works very well. That's not to say it can't work – there are very few stories in life that aren't salvageable, and one is not irredeemable – but it needs a bit of work. We'll start with the grammar.

During your description of the Blurb, for instance, you switch to the present tense for no apparent reason. That's easily fixed. So are comma splices, where you join two sentences together with a comma. For instance, 'In a galaxy, far away... a civilisation, if you may' either needs a dash instead of a comma after 'planet', or needs to be two sentences. You cannot join two discrete sentences with a comma; this can only be done with a dash, semicolon or colon (although there are further rules about usage for the latter two).

Sometimes, too, you go on with a sentence that runs on until it ceases to make sense, propelled by commas. The very first line of the story, for example: 'It was in a deserted beach... a young lady lying on her back.' That does not make sense: you start by saying 'It was on a beach', which sets up your subject already ('it', whatever 'it' is) and then go on to say 'there was a lady lying there'. If we cut out all the extraneous description, that sentence boils down to this: 'it was on a deserted beach, there was a young lady lying on her back' – which simply does not make sense. I think perhaps either you are trying too hard to create a certain style (and if you are, consider just writing and seeing what happens; it'll probably come out clearer and better) or you are getting lost in the length of your own sentences. If the latter, simplify things a bit. Cut down a sentence and ask yourself if it makes sense. If the answer is 'no', always reconsider.

Just clearing up the grammar will make your story much easier to read and improve it immeasurably. Rebalancing the humour against the narrative will probably bring it much of the rest of the way. There are a few other minor mistakes – having no vehicles does not equal no pollution, for instance, and you invented a couple of words like 'marginated' and 'utopic' (I believe you meant 'marginalised' and 'utopian' respectively) – but other than that, the main thing is making it clearer and more structured.

A note on the theme: while this is a story of disharmony and then reunion, in a way, I felt that you marginalised the theme a bit, and defused it quite expertly at the end with your closing comments.

Anyway. There is a story in here somewhere, but it needs cutting, expanding and polishing to really be brought up to scratch. I hope to see more work from you, and hope that this critique has helped you improve.

4th

I Won't Forget – AllergicProductions

Overall (out of 30):

bobandbill: 12
Cosmic Fury: 24
Cutlerine: 12

GRAND TOTAL: 48/90

Spoiler:

bobandbill:

Spoiler:

4/10 Spelling and Grammar
3/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
5/10 Relevance to Prompt
12/30 Total

I think the thing to mention first is that there was a clear formatting error when you sent it, in that a lot of words got merged together (huesurrounded, Shehad, thatappeared, themist, and that's just the first two lines of the store). Something funny with whitespace reading or somesuch there. Although I do doubt it was purposefully typed, be careful to check how the story looks like when copy-pasting it on to forums and certainly before submitting, as it does make it harder to read.

The story itself... was largely confusing, I have to admit. It wasn't instantly clear that this was a dream or something like that. The rope coming from her chest was especially confusing, as was the points of it changing colour. It wasn't clear if these details were important or symbolic or the such, and so it just left me confused.

On the other hand, it was also lacking in the showing not telling department. Parts like 'she was beginning to panic now', 'though she was certainly perplexed', 'Quil was losing - badly' would have more impact if you instead described something that indicated these facts and gave the reader more of a feeling for what was happening rather than stating those facts.

The story idea isn't too bad, but I just wasn't really convinced with the execution or the initial premise that she had these visions because she was thinking about being more grownup. Part of it might have had to do with a lack of clear indication that she wanted this early enough in the story so it didn't seem an added detail while writing, while lines like

the ten-year-old Johto native who dressed more like a twelve-year-old

confused me; I didn't think there was much of a difference between those two ages with fashion in the first place, and certainly not a difference that bears much need to comment on, let alone be a reason as to why her Pokémon would be neglected. The speech of her promising to change her ways, so to speak (or at least not forget about her Pokémon), also seemed overdone and went on for a bit too long.

In short - the formatting got in the way of a story that was already hard to follow and could use editing in making the story clearer to follow. I feel it could improve a lot if the above was addressed.

Cosmic Fury:

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar 8/10 -- Other than very minor flaws scattered throughout (a run-on at the start, for example), I honestly found nothing wrong here, aside from Word obviously going haywire on you (it happened to be before, so I'm not taking points for that). Just be a bit more careful to make sure your entire document is fully intact when you copy/paste it onto the forums.
Characterization, Plot, and Description 8/10 -- Not much to say here. Most of the plot flowed very well, the descriptions were fantastic, there was great character development... BUT, what went wrong was the fairly weak intro. First off, are we supposed to know it's a dream? Regardless, it's a bit confusing as we get into it. A clearer start to this piece would have done the rest of it justice.
Relevance to Prompt 8/10 -- Not much to say. Even though the story overall was a bit confusing on my first read, it did follow our prompt pretty closely. Overall, it was a very interesting read, and I enjoyed it.

Total: 24/30

Cutlerine:

Spoiler:

3/10 Spelling and Grammar
4/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
5/10 Relevance to Prompt
12/30 Total

First of all, I have to ask if there was some kind of formatting error when you posted this or something – lots of words are unaccountably stuck together, like 'huesurrounded', 'couldfeel', 'ofan' and the like, which makes it quite difficult to read, especially as they seem to occur almost at random. I'm not sure what's caused this, so I'll set it aside and get my teeth into this review.

It's a bit of an unwieldy story in places. Some words, like 'stemming', are used in unconventional ways; there are a odd bits of description as well, jerky and kind of wooden. The description would also benefit from the application of the rule 'show, don't tell'; for instance, when you write about Lisa getting afraid, you tell us that she is 'beginning to panic' without ever actually showing any symptoms of this panic. Is her heart pounding? Are her breaths coming fast and shallow? Is her voice cracking? Showing the reader rather than just telling them what's happening makes for a stronger, more enjoyable story.

I also think it's a bit odd that Lisa's talking to herself. Sometimes, characters thinking aloud seem natural. In this case, she doesn't; the direct speech seems almost to float outside the narrative, perhaps because it isn't tied to it by any words like 'said' or 'asked'. It also seems at times like her speech is an extension of the 'telling' in the narrative – she tells us everything she feels, without showing us, when in fact some things should be implied rather than outright stated.

I'm also not sure that I'm totally convinced by the setting; the whole dream is odd and unexplained, and while that can work, it generally takes some more atmosphere to do so. There wasn't much in the way of atmosphere in this story, which again points to you telling rather than showing; the reader doesn't get any sense that something odd is in the air, only that there is a girl walking through the mist with a rope in her chest. Describe the strange feelings. Describe the arabesques traced by the floating mist. Describe the sense of unreality and strange acceptance. Describe – well, you get the picture. In a dream story like this, atmosphere is even more important than normal, because it stops the reader questioning everything. It shows them without telling them that this is a place where the normal rules don't apply. Same goes for the fight with the Rhydon – there isn't much atmosphere there either, and so there isn't much tension.

OK, those are my general issues. Now onto specifics. I got a bit confused with the whole shorter/longer/tighter thing with the rope – I mean, from Lisa's point of view, wouldn't her experience be the same if the rope were tightening or if it were shortening? How would she know the difference between them? I thought about that for ages, but couldn't come up with anything; either I'm being stupid, in which case I apologise for bringing it up, or this part doesn't quite make sense.

Just after that, you go on to talk about Lisa seeing 'what appeared to be a Pokémon', though she can't 'tell which one it was, if it was a Pokémon at all.' I have to ask in what way it appears to be a Pokémon if the shape's so ambiguous that it might not even be a Pokémon. After all, Pokémon look like everything from coconut trees to chandeliers; it'd be understandable if she couldn't work it out right away. It's a very little thing, and could easily be polished out, but I felt I ought to mention it.

Next is this bit: 'there were three other things that captured Lisa's attention: 1) she did not appear to be in the scene, 2) the rope appeared to lead into the scene and connect to Quil, and 3) Quil was losing – badly.' Those numbers are very out of place here; few style guides, if any, would recommend you represent numbers smaller than ten in numerals, and I usually violently disagree with style guides on aesthetic grounds anyway. I'd suggest replacing the bracketed numbers for words followed be a comma ('one, she did not...' etc); it would soften it, and make it look more natural. Again, nothing major, but a little thing that needs polishing.

The premise of the story is sound, though it's not really my cup of tea. It's just that some of its structure needs adjusting, and on top of that it could use a good edit. Once those two things are done, though, I think you could have a nice little narrative on your hands.

EQUAL 2ND

Eternal Snow – PinkSapphire

Overall (out of 30):

bobandbill: 17
Cosmic Fury: 23
Cutlerine: 19

GRAND TOTAL: 59/90

Spoiler:

bobandbill:

Spoiler:

5/10 Spelling and Grammar
5/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
7/10 Relevance to Prompt
17/30 Total

I suppose the story is a fairly straightforward shipping piece, which isn't normally to my taste. This didn't really do something special with this kind of story, I felt. The ending seemed predictable and the emphasis on how sad Hilda was without N felt just too overdone for my liking. For example, her sitting outside in the snow doesn't really make sense as a thing to do nine months on from last seeing him (which by the by is an odd time skip to pick and maybe slightly unfortunate/misleading too for a certain reason). I'm not really a fan of romantic ships with N too in particular given his established social state from the canon of the games, but I'll let that slide. I suppose it is sweet, and the superior helping her go out as a decent usuage of her Pokemon for the story, as otherwise I'd have questioned why the Pokemon-themed characters without the Pokemon.

One other complaint is that I didn't really follow why the mother didn't want to let her out of her room, given at least canonically she would have gone on an adventure across the region, likely camped outdoors overnight, saved the word, and all that jazz. This seemed rather odd then that she wouldn't let Hilda go outside because it was too late.

There were a number of spelling mistakes that could have been picked up by a spell/grammar checker, so you could have spent a bit of time using one and proofreading before sending in the entry. That would have increased the final score of the story; as it is, typos included pyjama's (you wanted pyjamas - the former is 'pyjama is'), reremember, cozzy, hard instead of heard, and so forth:

"I'm coming." my voice louded.

voice louded isn't a proper phrase, and a comma should have been used after coming.

It was as if the 9 months that she had carried me gave her the ability to look
right through me, as if my feelings were written on my forehead.

Generally, numbers smaller than 100 ought to be written out with letters, so nine rather than 9. This line didn't make much sense to me either - how is this the case, exactly?

So in general, all this story needs is a bit more in the way of proofreading and maybe some more thought into whether certain actions really make sense to include for the sake of dramatization of her missing N.

Cosmic Fury:

Spoiler:

Spelling and Grammar: 9/10 -- I would give this a solid 10, but there is a typo towards the end (where you misspelled "pajamas"). Otherwise, your sentences and paragraphs were either clear or to the point, and I love it that way.
Characterization, Plot, and Description: 7/10 -- Unfortunately, this is where things fall a bit short. Even though the story moved along wonderfully, you didn't take much time to really develop your character. It's obvious that she misses N, but what does she see in the guy? We don't even know what sort of person left her until the very end, and we only get a name. Other than that, I very much appreciate the simple setting and the corresponding pace you set. They match perfectly -- something most writer's can't pull off.
Relevance to Prompt: 7/10 -- One of my main concerns is the overall theme of the story. Yes, it followed the prompt, and the story lived and breathed it, but we don't really know that until the cliffhanger towards the end.

Total: 23/30

Cutlerine:

Spoiler:

5/10 Spelling and Grammar
6/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
8/10 Relevance to Prompt
19/30 Total

I was hoping for an entry set in Unova. It's the land of division, where virtually every major character in the games has an equal and opposite character, and where entire chunks of reality have dual natures: Opelucid City, Black City/White Forest. So I always like to see someone fiddling around with that, even unintentionally as you do here. Unity is all the more stark against a backdrop of duality.

However, there's no getting around the fact that this story really needs a good proofreading. There are numerous simple misspellings ('cozzy' and 'rememember' prominent among them) and a reasonable number of grammatical mistakes, too ('pyjama's', for instance, which does not need a possessive apostrophe). All of that can be sorted out by running spellcheck and giving it a decent proofreading.

You're also a bit overreliant on ellipses (...), which tends to, well, not look terribly good. For closing direct speech that's followed by a dialogue marker, use a comma; if there's no marker, use a full stop. Don't use an ellipsis unless it's really necessary, or all it does is make all the dialogue look a bit odd.

I'd advise you similarly on the subject of ellipses in sentences, too. For instance:

I only could rememember [sic] the scars that were written on my heart and repeating the scenes in my head... over and over again.

A comma would work better there, or even a dash if you really wanted to. It's not a matter of correctness, more one of tone and effect; an ellipsis has a very specific effect, and it doesn't fit in here, or in many of the other sentences you use it in.

Anyway. Let's leave ellipses aside and talk about plot. The narrative is so simple that there isn't much to fault it, but there are a couple of small holes in it. For instance, Hilda's mother won't let her go outside at night – yet she let her go on a vast Pokémon journey, travelling around the country by foot at all hours, and knows that ultimately Hilda ended up fighting dragons from the mythic past in a climactic showdown in the lair of a wicked Team? That sounds like something of a contradiction to me – if I had a daughter who had saved the nation and was chosen by Reshiram as its new partner, I'm fairly certain I would be all right with her staying out late, especially if it was only close to the house. It's a small thing, and easily fixed, but it strikes me as odd.

Nonetheless, with a little cleaning, I think you could work a decent story out of this. It might be nice to have it a little longer and more involved – as it is, it's almost more of a vignette than a short story. Then again, that might not be such a bad thing; as they say, a little vignette now and then, is relished by the wisest men. It depends which way you wanted to go with it, I suppose.

I hope this feedback has been of some use. Good luck with your future literary endeavours!

THE OTHER EQUAL 2ND

The Lightning American: Account of 'The War for Kanto' by Lt. Surge – Lowstah

Overall (out of 30):

bobandbill: 19
Cosmic Fury: 22
Cutlerine: 18

GRAND TOTAL: 59/90

Spoiler:

bobandbill:

Spoiler:

6/10 Spelling and Grammar
6/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
7/10 Relevance to Prompt
19/30 Total

Ah, an expansion into the war the Lightning American mentions from time to time. Not a bad idea to investigate.

Although I liked the premise and the interactions between characters I did feel that some parts of the tale were rushed or not quite sensical in themselves. For instance, the Zapdos attacking the plane with electricity and causing it to work again was something I couldn't quite believe (especially when it had failed due to interference from magnetic fields - doesn't seem to quite add up). I was also a bit confused by the visiting Oak part. Firstly it seems he was easy to visit despite the rumours of him leading a rebellion; I would have expected that given the established situation with TR in charge of everything that he would have been in hiding. And then the fact that Surge was bagged/dragged and interrogated for coming to sign up like that seemed at odds with them needing reinforcements ('The Movement were desperate for numbers'). A bit more into showing how the group improved their relations with each other (save for Surge and Sparrow) during their fight would have been nice too, especially as you had gone to the effort to mention each member in some detail. But otherwise the tale isn't lacking and it did fit the theme decently.

A few other comments:

His Ninetales followed suit, she was a fiery character to say the least!

I think this would be better as two sentences rather than one.

I can't quite remember where that argument ended, after all we had countless
altercations during our time together.

And the same here. They work well enough independently from one another, so you might as well have it that way rather than try to join them up.

I remember standing watching as my squad scrambled around, looking for an escape. To me escape was impossible. However, before I had a chance to inform them of our impending doom

This seemed a bit odd - why would he need to inform them when the squad scrambling around suggests they already know they are in trouble, and that Surge knows they are aware of this?

Raichu followed me after i was discharged

There were a few cases towards the end where I was not capitalised, such as here. Another comment of this sort was that ellipses were overused particularly in the second half. Although they do make sense I suppose given Surge is reminiscing here, there were too many of those. Also heh, Raichu, discharged

Overall a decent entry and a good expansion into that piece of canon. Could have used a bit more time for fully fleshing it out and proofreading I suppose, as you suggested.

Cosmic Fury:

Spoiler:

Lowstah -- The Lightning American: Account of 'The War for Kanto' By Lt. Surge

Spelling and Grammar -- 8/10 -- Yes, the thoughts have a flow and the paragraphs are more spaced, but I felt as if your paragraphs could have been more well-organized. Overall, they don't flow as well as they could, because the thoughts you are conveying don't flow from one to the next. Other than that, your spelling and grammar were pretty good overall, hence the points.
Characterization, Plot, and Description 8/10 -- I think this is where you actually shined the best here. Your description is indeed brief and to the point, but you still get enough in to fit in well with the setting, leaving only unnecessary details out. The characterization is great. I very much like the way you formed the people in the story, giving each one their own image. However, the plot could use more substance, and lacked a decisive flow. Other than that, I very much enjoyed this.
Relevance to Prompt 6/10 -- I can see that the friendship between Lt. Surge and his Raichu is a major theme to the story, but this isn't what the story is all about. I'm not sure it's just me, but I feel that you take much of the spotlight off the theme, and rather focused more on the setting to a point where the back story became more important to the main character's relationship with his Raichu.

Total: 22/30

Cutlerine:

Spoiler:

6/10 Spelling and Grammar
5/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
7/10 Relevance to Prompt
18/30 Total

Not a bad story, I have to say. The underlying idea is sound, but it suffers a few errors that, if cleaned up, would improve it immeasurably.

There are a few instances where you misuse punctuation marks ('two things: numbers and money', for instance, needs a colon rather than a semicolon) and at least one spot where you forgot a full stop, after 'this region; [sic] 'The War for Kanto''. In addition, you misuse a couple of words and phrases, notably 'manifesto' and 'became party to', which each mean something quite different from what you're trying to say. By all means expand your vocabulary, but you don't necessarily have to shoehorn in words that don't fit.

Oh, and in the paragraph beginning 'Raichu followed me', near the end, you for some reason stop capitalising the word 'I'. I'm not sure why. You also use a few too many ellipses throughout, which tends to rob your sentences of their impact – they sort of soften things, rounding out the edges, which isn't quite right for the intense, hard-hitting action you're writing about.

I must also take issue with the fact that Surge is writing this so that the events aren't forgotten – but with the scale of the rioting and suchlike (the resistance actually had planes; this thing must have been colossal in scale), it doesn't seem likely to me that these events are going to be forgotten even if the administration refuses to acknowledge they happened. I also have to wonder why Oak is so easy to contact; if you're known as the head of the resistance, how can you be living openly at home where anyone can wander in and find you? Your story's not bad, but it has quite a few of these little holes in it, and they add up after a while, detracting from the plot. I'll list some more here: the fact that the military chose to warn Surge about the Magneton in the Plant after they nearly killed him, rather than briefing him properly; the fact that Team Rocket kept relying on the Pokémon market even after they outlawed all Trainers (meaning there was nothing left to steal) and therefore destroyed their own source of income; the fact that Giovanni was based in the Seafoam Islands while presumably he needed to be in constant contact with the President on the mainland (perhaps in Saffron) – all little things on their own, but they add up to cancel the reader's suspension of disbelief. One more good edit would have caught them all, I think.

This is a short story with a lot of characters, and a big shift in how some of those characters view each other. You introduce so many characters, and deal with the Raichu subplot so quickly, that it seems like you were constrained by space; I think this story would work very well as a much longer one, letting you show the progression of Surge's relationship with his Raichu over time, rather than telling us all about it one lump like that. Similarly, it would give you space to develop Surge himself, who is a little bit flat in places, and to develop Sparrow, who as it is only seems to exist to sacrifice himself at the end. That's not to say it's a bad story, but it's a story that demands more words and space to be told properly, and my judging had to reflect that.

Anyway. Overall, a good story, but one that I think needs a bit of work. Keep it up, and keep improving!

1st

By What Right? – icomeanon6

Overall (out of 30):

bobandbill: 26
Cosmic Fury: 25
Cutlerine: 24

GRAND TOTAL: 75/90

Spoiler:

bobandbill:

Spoiler:

9/10 Spelling and Grammar
8/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
9/10 Relevance to Prompt
26/30 Total

My favourite story from the bunch, and not the first time either for an entry of yours. =p

The spelling and grammar side of the entry was quite solid throughout. The only nitpick I would mention is that there was the case of having sentences too similar in length towards the beginning:

She was doing well until she forgot about one root five yards from the field.
Her knee hit the grass first, and her arms landed before her face.
She lay like that for a minute or so until the aching subsided.
It was late in the year, and the earth had a stale smell.
She got up, and checked to see where she was hurt.
Her elbows were fine, but her right knee was bleeding through her dress.

Here's another instance:

She closed her eyes for the brief flash from the Apricorn Ball, and there stood Kiri, her young Heracross.
The large beetle looked around, and then looked at Moriko, wondering what needed to be done.
There was nothing she had to do, though, and Moriko simply patted her on the horn and sat down.
Now that she could see Kiri—her eyes, anyway—Moriko understood what had been bothering her all afternoon.
She had always thought of Kiri as her friend, ever since her father had caught her.

The continued similar length disrupted the pacing somewhat, but only slightly.

But now the more she thought, the less she knew. Whether it came from the outsiders or had been buried in her since her early years, doubt was in her heart. She wanted to be better than them, and she had to know for sure.
She put her hand on Kiri's horn again, and spoke softly. "Kiri, I need you to sleep in the trees tonight. Do you understand?"

Minor presentation thing - could have used an additional line of spacing between these two parts.

I think the last third of the story was the weakest point of it, as it seemed to have ended a bit too quickly and the worries about how the Heracross was behaving only appeared to crop up on the last 'scene', and certainly only after the father made mention of his observations. I think it would have been better if there had been bit more of this hinted at prior to that.
The opening was a very nice way to draw one into the narrative though, and there was a good atmosphere set up in the scene when she watched the League officials exit the tower with the sages. It fitted the prompt well and introduced some interesting concepts too, and an intriguing view into Ecruteak too, I might add. Well done.

Cosmic Fury:

Spoiler:

Spelling & Grammar: 9/10 -- Not much to say here. Your thoughts flow very well throughout the story. As for basic grammar, I didn't catch any sentence errors or typos. However, there even though it may have been used for effect, there are several paragraphs throughout the story that could be put together without disrupting their length, as they did convey the same general thoughts. However, that was very minor, and did not impede on the story's flow.
Plot, Characterization, and Description: 8/10 -- You did something pretty good here. The setting and the narrative go very well hand-in-hand, and not a lot of writers successfully pull that off. Your character development is good considering the length of the story, and I like the way you wrap her thoughts up at the end. As for the end, however, it could have been a bit more forceful, considering the theme you're pursuing. Sure, she feels guilty, but you don't really go much beyond that in the end, which is a bit of a letdown. Overall though, I very much enjoyed it.
Relevance to Prompt: 8/10 -- You pursued a good theme here, and I very much like the setting you envisioned for the story. They have a good flow, and even though the ending could use a bit more substance, it was still a very enjoyable piece.

Total: 25/30

Cutlerine:

Spoiler:

9/10 Spelling and Grammar
7/10 Characterization, Plot, and Description
8/10 Relevance to Prompt
24/30 Total

A great little story, I thought when I first read through this. We see the whole thing through Moriko's eyes, and that means I'm deliciously uncertain whether or not she's a reliable narrator. Is the League as poisonous as she thinks? We know what happens later, after all; we know what the League becomes. We have hindsight and background knowledge, and all she has is rumours.

Then I read it again, and was actually slightly disappointed. I'm now fairly certain that this is a reliable narrative, given the way the look the League woman gives Moriko is described, and given the way the term 'Johto' is introduced – but if those two details were handled slightly differently, we'd have a great story, instead of the good one we have now. That little touch of ambiguity, playing on what the reader already knows of Johto, would make the story that much better, I think – but then of course, it would no longer be a straightforward tale of the crushing progress of the corporate machine; it would be a cleverly ambiguous tale of the sort that works really well only in fanfiction (where readers can be assumed to have foreknowledge of events that happened in canon). I don't know if that's what you want or not, and don't want to impose a reading you don't like upon the text, but (if I may be biased for a moment) such a story would be Awesome with a capital A.

I mean, other than the details that say otherwise, Moriko is set up as a very naïve character – believing that what is essentially a gigantic beetle is capable of sustaining friendship with her on its own terms, without the Apricorn effect; being so credulous in her attitude towards rumours about the League; and so forth. Even her father understands some of the impossibilities there; he objects to the League on grounds of cultural dominance and religious interference, clearly understanding the business on a higher level than Moriko does.

Anyway, I'll leave that alone for now. Suffice to say, with a few tweaks this could go from being a good story about one child's experience to a great story about the nature of the League, colonialism and childhood naïveté.

Having waxed lyrical, however, I do have a couple of grievances – chief among them, the ending. It's so abrupt, and so weak. We go from seeing all these events in great detail to a cursory two-line summary of the rest of her life. Perhaps it was rushed. It certainly seems like it might be. But it doesn't fit with the rest of the story; it needs either a longer, more involved ending, or (if you insist on a short one) a brief, meticulously-crafted ending. To end a short story abruptly and well at the same time is difficult. I know that well from my attempts to write things in fewer than 3000 words. (It's odd. I can do 55,000 words in three days without a problem, but restrict me to 3000 and I'll need a good week to get right.) But in this case, I really think the ending would benefit from a rewrite.

Another minor issue: Moriko's character seems to break down slightly at the end, when she gets angry. Perhaps this is because of the pressure on her – but we haven't been made quite aware enough of the pressure throughout the story for her outburst to seem entirely natural. I'm not sure what's off about it, but it doesn't quite sound right to me.

Anyway. I like this story as it is, I'd like it even more if it was what I thought it was when I first saw it, and that's pretty much all I have to say. Thematically, there's a nice microcosm/macrocosm thing going on with the Moriko/Kiri and Kanto/Johto relationships, which is good to see, and I'd like to reiterate that I really do love Moriko's fatal anthropomorphism. It kind of sums her up, I think.

Nothing left to say now except that I really do hope to see more stories from you in future. Your works are few and far between around here.

 

[Sapphire Rose]

Congratulations to the winners c: I can't wait to read the stories in the fanfiction corner if you plan to submit it there ^^

 

[Lowstah]

Wow thanks so much for the amazing feedback! Was not expecting to do so well! I'll post it up soon enough :)
Congratulations to icomeanon for absolutely blowing us out of the water! haha

 

[icomeanon6]

Woot. (Internet-types still say "woot," right?)

Congrats right back at you, Lowstah and PinkSapphire! I see your entries are up already, and I'm looking forward to reading them. :) Mine will be up shortly.

I'd also like to say thanks to Allergic and Elite; participation's been down these last two get-togethers, and it means a lot to me that you helped keep this contest going. And thanks especially to Cosmic, b&b, and Cutlerine for judging, and providing everyone with thorough, immediate feedback for that matter! Pretty sure that's the first time all the judges did that. I'll try to respond in depth to your critiques later, perhaps along with a revision of my story.