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Temporal Collapse (PG-14 please) Kinda Historical

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I highly suggest that you find yourself a beta reader. Your story has a few problems that make it difficult to read, unfortunately. Grammar is pretty bad, to be on the harsh side. Punctuation, capitalization, proper paragraphing. There's a lot here to fix.

I'm not quite sure as to what's going on. I can tell that you want to use the dropping of the atomic bomb on Hiroshima as an Pokemon-ized event in your fic. The one problem is that I'm not sure where your characters are in relation to the bomb dropping that I can't be sure if I should correct you on the effects of radiation or not.

Before you post your second chapter, you should take more time to work on it. Write the chapter, set it aside for a while, then read it over to catch the mistakes that you can find. If you are unsure of your writing, then a beta reader can help you out by working with you one-on-one before you post, catching your mistakes and helping you fix them before you post the chapter. (They can also help you with your plot and characterization, depending on who you get as a beta reader.)

I wish you the best of luck, and you can ask me any questions you may have.
 
It still doesn't matter, ASTINUS is a very clever and busy moderator, so it's msot likely that she'll be too busy to root through all the mistakes. However, I'd be happy to do it for you ^^
 
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