[The Apocalypse] PG-13

[Andorale]

This is my First Pokemon FanFic, and I want some constructive criticism! Please, I want friendly responses. Don't say "Double space in between paragraphs" or "I hate it."

Rated PG-13 for
Violence
Sexual Activity

The Apocalypse

I knew three things. I was the chosen one. I had to save the world of Sinnoh, and If I failed, everything I ever knew would fall apart. I had to fulfill my duties.

Proluge
​

I packed everything I needed to go on my grand adventure. I looked in the mirror one last time before I left. I was 14, black shaggy hair, and a nice tan.
"Are you going yet?" a familiar voice asked. Mom walked into the room.
"No, I'm still packing my things." I said.
She looked relieved. Probably because she would of missed me, but who knows. I can always call her.
"Vanessa, you don't have to go," she said. She walked closer to me.
"I have to, Mom." I said.
"Why?" she asked.
"Well, uhm, I just need to journey around Sinnoh." I responded.
"Oh, okay."
I finally finished packing my things and I was about to leave.
"Bye, Vanessa!" she yelled.
"I love you, Mom!" I yelled back.
And out the Door I ran.

Chapter 2: Professor Rowan

I walked towards Sandgem Town, energetic as always. I was happy that no Pokemon ran up to me and scared me away. Usually when I was walking between the towns, a Starly or a Bidoof or something would come and get me.

I had finally made it to Sandgem Town, and asked some people where Professor Rowan is. They pointed to his research lab, in which I entered.

It was smaller on the inside then it looked on the outside. Professor Rowan was at a table, examining an egg.
"Uhm, Professor Rowan?" I slurred.
"Ah, yes! You must be Vanessa!" he exclaimed. He put down his research tools and went to the sink to wash his hands.
"Yes, my friend told me to meet you here." I said.
"That Daniel's always on the loose, ain't he?" he said, brightly.
"I guess so." I muttered. Just when I finished those few words, Danny popped in the door. He marched up to Prof. Rowan and stared at me.
"Sup, Doc. Where is it?" he blurted out.
"Where is what?" he asked.
"Well, the Pokemon, of course!" he stated. Rowan made a funny face at me.
"Oh, that reveals it all. Follow me." Rowan says. Me and Danny followed him into a very bright room. My eyes were adjusting to the high contrast, but after a few seconds I was used to it.
"You will choose from these three, to start your adventures." Rowan said.
There were small papers in front of them with words on them. One said "Ralts," one said "Clefairy," and one said "Chimchar."
"Each of them have a biography about them. You should read about it, and once you've made your decision, tell me." Rowan says.
After an hour of deciding and disputing, we both decided on our choices.
"I want Chimchar," I said.
"And I want Ralts!" he screeched.
"Alot of enthuciasm there, Daniel!" he exclaimed. He walked over to the pokemon and gave them the corresponding PokeBall.
"Take good care of them. In Jubilife City, the Pokemon trainer will be there to assist you. Good luck." he said.
We started leaving, right when he said something.
"Wait!" Rowan contended.
We stopped and looked back.
"There is something I need you to do for me. Well, for your parents." he said.
"They feel that you should travel together. Can you do that for me?" Rowan declared.
We nodded.
"Good Luck, and Goodbye!" he said.

Chapter 2 Coming Soon!
​

 

[icomeanon6]

I hate to be blunt, but anyone can tell just from a quick glance that:

A) You wrote this quickly.
B) You typed this in the reply box, as opposed to a word processor.
C) You don't understand how annoying it is to read a wall of text.

In short, you definitely need to pay more attention to what you've already written before continuing. For starters, the ratio between dialogue and narration in this is so low that I thought it was a script fic at first. Slow yourself down and describe things more. Also, try to avoid describing things like this:

I was 14, black shaggy hair, and a nice tan.

For starters, it doesn't mean what you want it to (unless you're trying to say that Vanessa is shaggy black hair). It's also basically a list of fairly inconsequential information. Try telling us more about Vanessa as a person, as opposed to just what she looks like. Tell us about her past, what her family's like, or maybe even where she lives, because you never told us.

Speaking of Vanessa, she seems like a terribly improbable character. She arbitrarily "knows" that she's the chosen one and that the fate of the world depends on her. The main problem with that is that you don't give us any clue as to why she knows this, it's just convenient knowledge that makes it easier to begin the story. Also, doesn't it seem weird that she doesn't seem at all shaken up or otherwise affected by this knowledge? Not to mention, her mom gave up awfully fast before letting her travel around the region without a Pokemon, even though logical reasoning says that she wouldn't make it to the next town without being attacked. (But, of course, she's not attacked because it's so much more convenient for both her and the story that way.)

Basically, I think you have an inadequately explored premise, unconvincing characters, and general shoddiness in terms of writing style. Use a spell checker, hit enter twice between paragraphs (and that includes speech), and try to make it longer, too.

 

[Andorale]

I hate to be blunt, but anyone can tell just from a quick glance that:

A) You wrote this quickly. Nope. This took me long enough.
B) You typed this in the reply box, as opposed to a word processor. Sorry. I did.
C) You don't understand how annoying it is to read a wall of text. It's called Writing

In short, you definitely need to pay more attention to what you've already written before continuing. For starters, the ratio between dialogue and narration in this is so low that I thought it was a script fic at first. Slow yourself down and describe things more. Also, try to avoid describing things like this:

For starters, it doesn't mean what you want it to (unless you're trying to say that Vanessa is shaggy black hair). It's also basically a list of fairly inconsequential information. Try telling us more about Vanessa as a person, as opposed to just what she looks like. Tell us about her past, what her family's like, or maybe even where she lives, because you never told us.
All you have read is the Prologue and the First Chapter. You shouldn't know that much.

Speaking of Vanessa, she seems like a terribly improbable character. She arbitrarily "knows" that she's the chosen one and that the fate of the world depends on her. The main problem with that is that you don't give us any clue as to why she knows this, it's just convenient knowledge that makes it easier to begin the story. Also, doesn't it seem weird that she doesn't seem at all shaken up or otherwise affected by this knowledge? Not to mention, her mom gave up awfully fast before letting her travel around the region without a Pokemon, even though logical reasoning says that she wouldn't make it to the next town without being attacked. (But, of course, she's not attacked because it's so much more convenient for both her and the story that way.)
Try Reading Chapter 2.

Basically, I think you have an inadequately explored premise, unconvincing characters, and general shoddiness in terms of writing style. Use a spell checker, hit enter twice between paragraphs (and that includes speech), and try to make it longer, too. I don't think so.

I hope you understand that mouthful.
:S

 

[icomeanon6]

If you wrote this in a word processor, explain how you misspelled prologue.

In case you wasn't clear enough, a wall of text is what happens when you don't hit enter twice after every paragraph.

The beginning of a story is usually where the exposition takes place. The exposition is where you introduce the characters. Essentially, all you've told us about Vanessa is that she is "the chosen one" (which is a very tired cliche), that she is fourteen, that she has black hair, and that she tans well.

I didn't mention this in my review, so I guess I'll say it now. Your prologue isn't actually a prologue. A prologue is an event or series of events that happens before the beginning of the plotline. If chapter one (which you accidentally labeled as chapter two) happens directly after the prologue, than you've mislabeled something.

Don't ask for constructive criticism if you don't want to hear your story's flaws. That's what constructive criticism is. It's when someone tells you what they think is wrong with your story.

 

[Andorale]

I turned off my spellcheck because I am trying to spell words right without the help

Not all exposition takes place in the the beginning. What is Vanessa was to find out she was adopted? That wouldn't be right? Would it?

Apparently, in Twlight, The prologue is not like that.
Who likes a prologue like this?

On January 5, 1990, a mouse was born.
On January 6, 1990, he ate a fly.
On January 7, 1990, he ate another fly and choked on it.
On January 8, 1990, the mouse died.
That is a series of events, is it not?

A Prologue is a preface or introductory part of a discourse, poem, or novel.
Use Common Sense. You know what it means.
When you right a review, don't write it just to say something bad.

 

[Astinus]

This is my First Pokemon FanFic, and I want some constructive criticism! Please, I want friendly responses. Don't say "Double space in between paragraphs" or "I hate it."

Unfortunately, "constructive criticism" isn't all that friendly-sounding. It can be harsh, but delivered in a nice manner. icomeanon did give you "constructive criticism", which you asked for, in a nice manner to help you improve.

And you know, your example of "Don't say 'Double space between paragraphs'" is constructive criticism. So...make up your mind as to how you want people to respond. Either ask for constructive criticism and take it, or say "No negative words at all" and get the praise that won't help you improve your story.

I read over your chapters and agree with icomeanon. Your characterization of Vanessa is weak. I can't tell a thing about her. Nothing about her basic personality. Nothing about her past. Nothing. She comes off as rather flat for a character.

Why are there different starters than the ones Rowan normally hands out? It seems like an easy way to give your character a Ralts to make her different from other starting trainers than having her try to catch one in the wild.

You also rushed a lot of things. Like why does Rowan want Danny and Vanessa to travel together? I mean, their parents should be used to ten-year-old kids leaving home because it happens everyday in their world. Again, it seems like you want to have romance in your fic without working too hard at it.

And yeah, it seems kind of funny that Vanessa is all right with being the chosen one to save the world. She doesn't seem bothered by that at all, and is perfectly wiling to go out in the world all happy, even with the knowledge that if she fails, the world is doomed. It's just unbelievable.

So, if you are going to post your story, you should come to expect that people are going to be honest about your story in their own opinion. If they don't like your story for whatever reason, then they have every right to say so.

It's also not a good idea to insult your reviewers.

:S

Editedit: A prologue is a part of the story that takes place before the main timeline. Vanessa leaving for her journey in the prologue, and then in the next chapter leaving for her journey means that you mislabeled things. So yeah, it introduces things, but typically takes place before the main timeline of the story, enticing the reader to read on. What you split into a "proluge" and "chapter two" could easily be combined into one chapter without losing any meaning.

 

[Andorale]

Then i'll make a new one if it sucks that bad.

 

[The Ebon Blade]

I turned off my spellcheck because I am trying to spell words right without the help

You turned your spell check off...

You do realize that even the absolute masters of the English Language use spell check right?

 

[Andorale]

How did the absolute masters of english learn 50 years ago?

 

[The Ebon Blade]

How did the absolute masters of english learn 50 years ago?

I was talking current authors. I'm pretty damn sure that when J.K. Rowling finished typing the seventh Harry Potter book she ran a MASSIVE spell check...

 

[JX Valentine]

How did the absolute masters of english learn 50 years ago?

Through actually proofreading themselves. Spell check is made to make things easier, but even if you don't, you'll need to arm yourself with a dictionary and a beta reader to make absolutely sure you're spelling things correctly before you post. Basically speaking, fifty years ago, the "masters" of the English language never had anything published that wasn't already picked apart by an editor and the writer themselves. I'm not quite sure what you're trying to do here, but bluntly speaking, if you were expecting us to pick apart your spelling errors yourself, you've actually got things backwards. We can, but we're really here to enjoy a work. We can't enjoy it as much if the author doesn't make an effort to be thorough in the proofreading stages before posting.

As in, basically speaking, it's fine and dandy that you don't want to trust the spell checker. This just means that you should take a lot more time with your work because you don't have technology on your side to make things easier for you, so you end up doing it by hand. Or, alternatively, get a beta to look over your work, but this defeats the "I'm trying to do it by myself" bit you were talking about earlier.

It's unusual, though, that you say that you want to learn how to spell things by yourself because if you don't actually know if something's misspelled, you won't learn. My advice to you is at least turn on (if you're using Word) spell check as you type so you get red squiggles under your words if you misspell one. That way, you know that something isn't right, but you'll be forced to look it up if you want it to be correct. This also prevents us from having "proluge" be our introduction to your story.

Additionally, yes, wall of text is difficult to read. Basically speaking, in any kind of work, you have a paragraph separator so it's very easy to tell one paragraph from the next. In printed media, that separator is an indent, a blank space roughly an inch wide that you can get by hitting the tab key. For written media on the internet, you can't have indentations because most browsers don't register that you've got them. (So, what happens is the browser removes all of that, and all of your lovely paragraphs get mashed up into one, big mess.) Instead, you have the double enter -- when the author hits the enter key twice in order to produce a blank line of space (like there is between the paragraphs you see here).

Okay, so, now, you're wondering, "But why should I do that?" The reason is actually very simple. It's to help the reader keep their place in a written work by clearly separating each paragraph, rather than have the entire page be filled with text. If the entire page is filled and there's no clear break, then the reader will tend to confuse one line for another in a larger work. As a result, they end up reading lines they've already read or skip lines that end up being vital to make sense of the line they're on.

Alternatively, their eyes cross. Or, at least, mine do. My eyes are old, my dear. Walls of text are not a kindness to me.

Otherwise, I'm inclined to agree with the other reviewers in saying I feel this was rushed and that the first chapter of a work should at least introduce us to the characters and let us learn a bit about them. Yeah, I felt the Chosen One thing was really just jumped to. I realize you want to elaborate in future chapters, but for the only two you've got up, it feels like you're leaving us behind. We're left sitting here, wondering what just happened.

Basically speaking, there's a difference between making us ask questions about the work and leaving us in the dark. You want to get us to ask questions, and to do that, you need to actually tell us a lot. Leave us clues that we start to piece together on our own. Detail things and have the characters actually act, rather than just leave everything as dialogue. (Incidentally, yeah, this was more dialogue than action, so it's a bit difficult to picture what's going on. You may want to consider going a bit more into description so we can form mental images as well.)

What you're doing here, unfortunately, is tell us that X, Y, and Z are true (as in, that Vanessa is the Chosen One before actually getting into how she knows this, that Rowan wants the two of them traveling together without stating why, that Vanessa is four years older than the canon minimum age for getting a license without really explaining why that is, that sort of thing), but you really don't give us much else to go on. So, we're actually left in the dark because we really have nothing to piece together, no clues to lead us to the next one. You'll want to consider really sitting down and working on figuring out how to get enough on paper so that we're left to ask questions about what might happen next without thinking that something's convenient for a character or left completely without explanation whatsoever.

Hopefully, that made enough sense. Good luck in the future.

 

[Andorale]

Ok, thanks for the tips, you all.

I just wasn't in a good mood these last few days, I'm good now.
I'll try to add in those suggestions in the next few chapters.

 

[Andorale]

Sorry about the Wait!​

I was just about to finish the next chapter then when I left to get a soda my brother cruelly closed it out on me. I'll make sure to use your tips in the next chapter. If I missed something, tell me!

Chapter 2
Me and Daniel walked out the door, exhausted from standing in that lab so long. He spotted a nearby bench, and he gestured me to follow him.

"I can't believe we're going to be trainers." I said.

"Yeah, really. My mom's always, well, overprotective. I'm lucky to have got out of the h house." he agreed.

I took out a Pokemon Training book I had got from Pokemon School, in which I had packed it in my knapsack. I started flipping through the pages, finding anything that was of interest to me.

"So, whatcha readin' about?" he asked.

"I don't know, just," I muttered.

"Just?" he asked.

"Whatever, I just want to read about something." I said, seeming unhappy.

Just as he looked like he had drifted off, I shrieked.

"WOAH! Look at this!" I yelled.

"What?" he sat up.

"It's a ball that looks just like the ones we got from Professor Rowan!" I said.

"And what's the big deal?" he questioned.

"I don't know!" I exclaimed.

I read about them, and it said that Pokeballs are used to catch Pokemon, and Pokemon are the lead to your destiny.

We walked into a store.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the clerk asked.

"We need ten Pokeballs." I answered.

"I'll get them right away!" she exclaimed.

She turned behind her, with a huge shelve of Pokeballs.

"Here you are, ma'am." she said with a nice voice.

Daniel paid her the 2,000 Pokedollars.

"Thanks, I'll see you later!" she said as we left.

I nudged him on the way out.

"Where did you get so much money?" I asked.

"Well we can say, I have my ways." he said, with a grin on his face.

At last, we were ready to begin our journey. We were just leaving the town when...


Reviews Happened!
​

 

[ANARCHit3cht]

Ok, a bit of a problem with this. This, it just has NO description.

Me and Daniel walked out the door, exhausted from standing in that lab so long. He spotted a nearby bench, and he gestured me to follow him.

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

That bold part, "Me and Daniel" should be,"Daniel and I" I myself and not quite sure why other people are put first, but I do know why it is "I", and not "me". Take out Daniel, and read it aloud.

Me walked out the door? Does that sound correct? I didn't think so.

I walked out the door. How does that sound? Better? Ok then, moving on.

"I can't believe we're going to be trainers." I said.

"Yeah, really. My mom's always, well, overprotective. I'm lucky to have got out of the h house." he agreed.

Spoiler:

T-t-today Jr.! Is that a stutter? or a mistake? I believe it to be a mistake, as the character Daniel never stuttered before, nor is there any future indication of it. If it was meant as a stutter, it would be like this:h-house, and more likely to be some indication of why he stuttered. This mistake would be corrected if you took a day/couple hours aside to proof read it. You don't need to rush it, take your time.

I took out a Pokemon Training book I had got from Pokemon School, in which I had packed it in my knapsack. I started flipping through the pages, finding anything that was of interest to me.

"So, whatcha readin' about?" he asked.

"I don't know, just," I muttered.

"Just?" he asked.

"Whatever, I just want to read about something." I said, seeming unhappy.

Spoiler:

Whats with this sudden mood change/appear to change? Again, no indication of why.

Just as he looked like he had drifted off, I shrieked.

"WOAH! Look at this!" I yelled.

"What?" he sat up.

"It's a ball that looks just like the ones we got from Professor Rowan!" I said.

"And what's the big deal?" he questioned.

"I don't know!" I exclaimed.

I read about them, and it said that Pokeballs are used to catch Pokemon, and Pokemon are the lead to your destiny.

We walked into a store.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the clerk asked.

"We need ten Pokeballs." I answered.

"I'll get them right away!" she exclaimed.

She turned behind her, with a huge shelve of Pokeballs.

"Here you are, ma'am." she said with a nice voice.

Daniel paid her the 2,000 Pokedollars.

Spoiler:

What a kid doing with 2,000 bucks?

"Thanks, I'll see you later!" she said as we left.

I nudged him on the way out.

"Where did you get so much money?" I asked.

"Well we can say, I have my ways." he said, with a grin on his face.

Spoiler:

This is your explanation? I mean, what could a kids possibly do to earn 2,000 dollars?

At last, we were ready to begin our journey. We were just leaving the town when...

 

[Andorale]

Ok, a bit of a problem with this. This, it just has NO description.

Me and Daniel walked out the door, exhausted from standing in that lab so long. He spotted a nearby bench, and he gestured me to follow him.

Spoiler:

That bold part, "Me and Daniel" should be,"Daniel and I" I myself and not quite sure why other people are put first, but I do know why it is "I", and not "me". Take out Daniel, and read it aloud.

Me walked out the door? Does that sound correct? I didn't think so.

I walked out the door. How does that sound? Better? Ok then, moving on.

"I can't believe we're going to be trainers." I said.

"Yeah, really. My mom's always, well, overprotective. I'm lucky to have got out of the h house." he agreed.

Spoiler:

T-t-today Jr.! Is that a stutter? or a mistake? I believe it to be a mistake, as the character Daniel never stuttered before, nor is there any future indication of it. If it was meant as a stutter, it would be like this:h-house, and more likely to be some indication of why he stuttered. This mistake would be corrected if you took a day/couple hours aside to proof read it. You don't need to rush it, take your time.

I took out a Pokemon Training book I had got from Pokemon School, in which I had packed it in my knapsack. I started flipping through the pages, finding anything that was of interest to me.

"So, whatcha readin' about?" he asked.

"I don't know, just," I muttered.

"Just?" he asked.

"Whatever, I just want to read about something." I said, seeming unhappy.

Spoiler:

Whats with this sudden mood change/appear to change? Again, no indication of why.

Just as he looked like he had drifted off, I shrieked.

"WOAH! Look at this!" I yelled.

"What?" he sat up.

"It's a ball that looks just like the ones we got from Professor Rowan!" I said.

"And what's the big deal?" he questioned.

"I don't know!" I exclaimed.

I read about them, and it said that Pokeballs are used to catch Pokemon, and Pokemon are the lead to your destiny.

We walked into a store.

"Hello, how may I help you?" the clerk asked.

"We need ten Pokeballs." I answered.

"I'll get them right away!" she exclaimed.

She turned behind her, with a huge shelve of Pokeballs.

"Here you are, ma'am." she said with a nice voice.

Daniel paid her the 2,000 Pokedollars.

Spoiler:

What a kid doing with 2,000 bucks?

"Thanks, I'll see you later!" she said as we left.

I nudged him on the way out.

"Where did you get so much money?" I asked.

"Well we can say, I have my ways." he said, with a grin on his face.

Spoiler:

This is your explanation? I mean, what could a kids possibly do to earn 2,000 dollars?

At last, we were ready to begin our journey. We were just leaving the town when...

Thanks for the review!

How do you think a 15 year old gets his money


by stealing >:P

 

[matsuda's being stupid again]

okay. well, overall, i think this has potential. i just want to say, i have read the whole Twilight saga, and after writing some short stories i learned that my writing skills are on par with Stephenie Meyers'. meaning she has freshman-level skills. moving on.

you should put a little more effort into character development. we have no idea how vanessa or daniel act as people, how they met, where they are from (though i assume Twinleaf). and we don't have the vaguest idea what danny looks like.

things move a little too quickly. slow down and spend more time detailing the scenery, the actions of the characters, Vanessa's feelings, etc. readers like to be able to place them selves in the stories and know exactly what to do.

but overall, not bad. just slow down a little. may i suggest a rough draft in handwritten form, followed by a self edit, perhaps followed by a peer/parent/sibling edit, then type, then spelling/grammar check, then post? a little painstaking, i know, but it's worth it.

 

[Andorale]

Thanks - I'll try to describe Danny more. :D