[Pokémon] The Gameboy that Changed The World Forever (omg long title!)

[chillj]

Prolouge

Hey. I'm Jack. Not many people can say that their friend used a Gameboy to chance the world. right? I can. Yeah, it's 100% true... I'll tell you what happened. It was a boring Summer morning...
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Jack just went to Burger King for a burger, so we hired a new narrator.
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Chapter 1

Jack was sleeping when... The phone rang. Jack got up and answered it. "Yaaaawn... Hello?" Jack answered feeling tired. "Jack, It's Bill! I'm at Phil's House! Him and Amy built an invention that actually works!" His friend, Bill yelled over the phone. "WHAT? Are you joking?!" Jack asked "No! I'm serious! Get over here!" Phil shouted. "Ok, I'll be right there, Bill. Tell Phil and Amy that I'm on my way." said Jack. "Ok, cya there!" said Phil. They both hung up.
____________________________________________________________________________Feel free to give constructive criticism on Chapter 1 and the prolouge.

 

[Post Office Buddy]

There's... not much I can say about this. The prologue isn't long enough to be called a prologue, and the chapter is definitely not long enough to be called a chapter. There really wasn't enough content for it to be a chapter, either. However, there are ways that you can fix this.

Firstly, you should add more description. Try to write down what you see in your mind so that your reader can envision it as well. If you manage to write out enough description, then it will greatly lengthen your chapters.

Secondly, try to use multiple scenes in a chapter. Doing this will also help extend the length of the chapter. Try to tell the reader a little bit of what happened before the phone call as well as some of what happened after. When you do this, however, you have to watch how quickly you transition from one scene to the next.

You don't seem to make a lot of grammar errors, so I'll leave those alone for the time being. The only nitpick I really have is that if a new character speaks, you should put it in a new paragraph. It should look something like this example.

"Hello there, Timothy," said Jared.

"Oh, hello Jared," Timothy replied.

"How are you today?" Jared asked.

...And so on and so forth.

The only other suggestion I can really make is to read through some of the fanfics that have already been posted to get a better idea of the ideal length and format. If you would like some of my suggestions for fics to read, then feel free to leave me a VM or PM and I'll return the favor.

 

[Miz en Scène]

Contrary to what Post Office Buddy said,(sorry POB. XD) I did find a few grammatical errors that could become quite problematic should you decide to continue your fic. They don't seem like typos so...

Apart from what Post Office Buddy previously touched upon, here's a grammatical overview of your fic.

**********************BETA STARTS HERE***************************
Hey. I'm Jack. Not many people can say that their friend used a Gameboy to change the world (Unnecessary period. 'Right' wasn't even capitalized.)right? I can. Yeah, it's 100% true... I'll tell you what happened. It was a boring summer(Summer isn't even a proper noun.) morning...

______________________________________________________________________________
Jack just went to Burger King for a burger, so we hired a new narrator.
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Chapter 1

Jack was sleeping when...(I'm wary of these ellipses if not used correctly. I suggest that you use 'suddenly' somewhere in between those two sentence for an easier transition.) The phone rang. Jack got up and answered it.

"Yaaaawn... Hello?"(Unless the character actually said 'Yawn', I don't think it should be part of the dialogue. Instead, opt for [Jack stifled a yawn as he picked up the phone, "Hello?"]. That's just my opinion though.) Jack answered feeling tired.

"Jack, It's Bill! I'm at Phil's House! Him and Amy built an invention that actually works!" his(Dialogue tags are not a sentence on their own. Therefore, the first word is not capitalized.) friend Bill yelled over the phone.

"WHAT? Are you joking?!"(Using both a question mark and an exclamatory mark at the same time is actually grammatically incorrect. It also makes writing look unprofessional, and usually only comic and manga artists use them -- and sometimes and interrobang.) Jack asked.

"No! I'm serious! Get over here!" Phil shouted.

"Ok, I'll be right there Bill. Tell Phil and Amy that I'm on my way." said Jack.

"Ok, see ya(Do not use phone or internet slang to spell a word even if it is slang. If a character says OMG, try to change it to Oh my God, or Oh-em-ji(Or something like that, if he's that type of person). Likewise, 'cya' should be 'see ya') there!" said Phil. They both hung up.
**********************BETA ENDS HERE***************************************

That's all I can do for now. XD
Sorry if it was a bit harsh, but that is constructive criticism.

 

[Uecil]

i liked it, it made me get into the story i want to know what the invention is

 

[Ninja Caterpie]

Woot, I got to point out something new!

"No! I'm serious! Get over here!" Phil shouted. "Ok, I'll be right there, Bill. Tell Phil and Amy that I'm on my way." said Jack. "Ok, cya there!" said Phil. They both hung up.

Uhm, yes. Phil is the one talking, yet Jack addresses him as "Bill".

 

[Astinus]

(Unless the character actually said 'Yawn', I don't think it should be part of the dialogue. Instead, opt for [Jack stifled a yawn as he picked up the phone, "Hello?"]. That's just my opinion though.) Jack answered feeling tired.

Slight correction: the comma after "phone" in your correction should actually be a full stop. "Stifled a yawn" is not a dialogue tag.

But, OP, your post is really on the short side. There's a lot more you could add to your chapter/prologue to interest readers and make it longer. So it falls under the "standards not met" rule.

he only nitpick I really have is that if a new character speaks, you should put it in a new paragraph.

Which you do by hitting the Enter button twice.