The Joke Thread

[Grovyle42(Griff8416)]

Ironic gunn, I'm blonde and I figured it out IMMEDIATELY. I won't say anything to ruin it though for the others. ;P

One my dad keeps telling voer and over; and IMO, its the only good one he knows.

One day, along the border between Ontario and Québec walked two men. One was a die-hard Québec seperatist and the other was a patriotic Ontarion. As all the other days, the two were walkign with eachother continously argueing over the stupidest ideas when they came across shiny object in the ground. They both raced to it and picked it up at the same time. They had notice dit was a genie's lamp and both ahd rubbed it. In a puff of smoke the genie appeared, but was confused at what to do in his situation. He usually grants the rubber 3 wishes; but for the first time ever, two people had rubbed it at once. He decided that each person would get one wish. The man from Québec was urgent and demanded that he wish first.

"I wish that Québec was surrounded by a thick, impenetrable brick wall that ensures that no one can get in and no one can get out." Yelled the seperatist.

The Ontarion chuckled and point to the wall and said, "Fill it up to the top with water, kays?"

Hah, I love Quebec Seperatist jokes!

 

[Jack O'Neill]

A Moscow resident owned a parrot, and one day the parrot got loose. The man went to the KGB headquarters. "Why have you come to us?" a KGB agent asked him. "We haven't seen your parrot."

"I know," the civilian replied, "but he'll turn up one of these days, and I thought I should assure you that I don't share his views."

==========

A Moscow resident contracted laryngitis and lost his voice but couldn't afford medical treatment. He went to the KGB, who assured him, "Don't worry, we will make you talk."

 

[Dawson]

Gun Yoshaiki posted a stupid link! i don't know what the joke is! It just keeps Chain Linking in a circle back to the original page, wat is up? i whant to know the joke.

You just became the joke.

 

[Drummershuff]

You just became the joke.

You post, for some reason, made me laugh for the first time in two days.

 

[Weatherman Kiyoshi]

I got a couple more:

NOTE: This joke:
a.) Likes cereal
b.) May contain loads of Awesomeness
c.) Rocks

Please view with caution.

Spoiler:

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody.
Love, Sarah
---
Dear Sarah,
Your parents were smoking pot when they had you.
Santa

NOTE: The following...
will happen to you if you have a nagging mother >_<

Spoiler:

: My mother taught me ...
1) My mother taught me to APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you are going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2) My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that the stain will come out of the carpet!"

3) My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4) My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, THAT'S WHY!"

5) My mother taught me about ADVANCED LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not coming to the store with me!"

6) My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you are in an accident".

7) My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8) My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth and eat your supper!"

9) My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10) My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all of that spinach is gone!"

11) My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks like a tornado hit it!"

12) My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told you a million times, don't exaggerate!"

13) My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out!"

14) My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like your father!"

15) My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16)!; My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get home!"

17) My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when we get home!"

18) My mother taught me about MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way"

19) My mother taught me about ESP. "Put your sweater on, don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20) My mother taught me HUMOR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your foot, don't come running to me"

21) My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up"

22) My mother taught me GENETICS. "You are just like your father"

23) My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24) My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll understand"

25) And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

 

[Ullion]

Jackie... I don't follow your first joke.. or are the two seperated ones supposed to be one joke? x:

 

[Melody]

You just became the joke.

XD Heh. What an incredibly mean joke. Yet it was funny.
That one made me LMAO.

 

[Richard Lynch]

I heard this on a radio broadcast once last year... and apparently, through multi-cultural studies, this is the "funniest joke in the world", appealing to the most number of people in the most countries. I dunno how much of that holds true, and there are many variations to this one... but this is the one I heard (as best as I can remember it):

* * *

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! He's lying here and I don't know what to do!" The operator says, "Calm down, I can help. First, we have to make sure without a doubt that he is indeed dead." There is a moment of silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "Okay, now what?"

* * *

 

[Manaphy1128]

They just keep on coming:

The whole truth:

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, I know the whole truth -- even when you don't know anything.
The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mother at the front door he says, I know the whole truth. His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, Just don't tell your father.

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, I know the whole truth. The father promptly hands him $40 and says, Please don't say a word to your mother.

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, I know the whole truth. The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms and says, Then come give your FATHER a big hug.


Blonde say:

A blind man walks into a bar, taps the man next him, and says, "Hey, wanna hear a blonde joke?"
The man says back to the blind man, "Look buddy, I'm blonde. The man behind me is a 400-pound professional wrestler and he is blonde. The bouncer is blonde. The man sitting over to your left is also blonde. Still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind man is silent for a moment and then says, "Nah, I wouldn't want to have to explain it five times."


Baseball Heaven:

Two old guys, Abe and Sol, are sitting on a park bench feeding pigeons and talking about baseball, like they do every day. Abe turns to Sol and says, "Do you think there's baseball in heaven?"
Sol thinks about it for a minute and replies, "I dunno. But let's make a deal: if I die first, I'll come back and tell you if there's baseball in heaven, and if you die first, you do the same."

They shake on it and sadly, a few months later, poor Abe passes on. One day soon afterward, Sol is sitting there feeding the pigeons by himself when he hears a voice whisper, "Sol... Sol..."

Sol responds, "Abe! Is that you?"

"Yes it is, Sol," whispers Abe's ghost.

Sol, still amazed, asks, "So, is there baseball in heaven?"

"Well," says Abe, "I've got good news and bad news."

"Gimme the good news first," says Sol.

Abe says, "Well... there is baseball in heaven."

Sol says, "That's great! What news could be bad enough to ruin that!?"

Abe sighs and whispers, "You're pitching on Friday."

 

[Ullion]

Wow, manaphy, those jokes are antiques, be careful with em'. ;D

OKay, here's a really lame (but funny IMO) riddle/joke thingy.

Why can't anyone hear a Pteradactyl go to the bathroom?

Spoiler:

Because the "P" is silent. x:

 

[Gunn]

OKay, here's a really lame (but funny IMO) riddle/joke thingy.

Why can't anyone hear a Pteradactyl go to the bathroom?

Spoiler:

Because the "P" is silent. x:

Oh you. :]

Why does Snoop Dogg have an umbrella?

Spoiler:

Fo' drizzle.

What happens when you throw a green rock into a red sea? (This one is my favorite)

Spoiler:

It gets wet.

What is the only thing in world that can be made in Brazil?

Spoiler:

Brazilians!

 

[Cosmic Tyrant]

Lol, i love the umbrella one.

Here's one:

A king decides that he wants to find te bravest man in his land. If the man can jump off a hundred foot cliff into Shark infested waters, swim from there to an island filled with voracious Lions, lap the island, then swim back to the cliff and scale it, He will give him one million dollers, his Rolls Royce, and the hand of his virgin daughter. The first day, no takers. The second day, still no takers. The third day, however, a brave man leaps of the cliff, swims through the trechorous waters, laps the dangerous island, and swims back. The king was very proud. "Congratulations!" He exclaimed. "You have won one million dollers, my Rolls Royce, and the hand of my virgin daughter!" The man caught his breath and said "Look, you can keep your money, your Rolls, and your daughter, just somebody point me to the mutha***** who pushed me off that cliff!"

(Sorry if it's too out of line)

 

[Manaphy1128]

Signs that you're a Drunk:

1. You lose arguments with inanimate objects.

2. You have to hold on to the lawn to keep from falling off the earth.

3. Your job starts to interfere with your drinking.

4. The back of your head keeps getting hit by the toilet seat.

5. You sincerely believe alcohol is the elusive 5th food group.

6. 24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case Coincidence?!?!?

7. Two hands and just one mouth now THAT'S a drinking problem.

8. Every woman you see has an exact twin.

9. You fall off the floor

10. Hey, 5 beers have just as many calories as a burger, screw dinner!

11. Every night you're beginning to find your neighbours cat more and more attractive


12. You don't recognize your wife unless seen from the bottom of a glass.

13. You have a reserved parking space at the liquor store.

14. You've fallen and can't get up.

Blonde Jokes:

What did the blonde say when she saw the sign in front of the
YMCA? : "Look! They spelled MACY'S wrong!"

A woman explains to the doctor, "When I touch my arm, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my leg, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my head, ouch, it hurts. When I touch my chest, ouch, it hurts."
The doctor just shakes his head and asks, "You're a natural blonde, aren't you?"
The woman smiles and says, "Why, yes I am. How did you know?"
The doctor replies, "Because your finger is broken."

Two blondes were sitting on a bench on the Atlantic City boardwalk admiring a beautiful, bright full moon. One said to the other, "I wonder which is further away, Florida or the moon?" "Duh..." said the other, "Can you see Florida from here?"

A married couple was asleep when the telephone rang at two in the morning. The wife, a blonde, picked up the telephone, listened a moment and said, "How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!" and hung up. The husband said, "Who was that?" The wife said, "I don't know; some woman wanting to know 'if the coast is clear.'"

Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror, and says, "Hmm, this person looks familiar." The second blonde says, "Here, let me see!" So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, "You dummy, it's me!"

Two young blonde women are sitting at a table in a coffe shoppe in such an obviously celebratory mood that a man drifts over intending to offer to buy them something to drink. When he gets close he hears one say to the other "Here's to 17 days!" Smiling, the man says, "Congratulations! What's so special about 17 days?" Eyes twinkling, one of the women explains, "Well, we've been spending our evenings working on a jigsaw puzzle! And it said 3-5 years on the box, but we finished it in only 17 days!"

Three friends; a blonde, a brunette and a redhead are stranded on a desolate island. One day, the three of them are walking along the beach and discover a magic lamp. They rub and rub, and sure enough, out pops a genie. The genie says, "Since I can only grant three wishes, you may each have one." The brunette says, "I've been stuck here for years. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I just want to go home." POOF! The brunette gets her wish and she is returned to her family. Then, the red head says, "I've been stuck here for years as well. I miss my family, my husband, and my life. I wish I could go home too." POOF! The redhead gets her wish and she is returned to her family. The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The genie asks, "My dear, what's the matter?" The blonde whimpers, "I wish my friends were still here."

 

[Natalie♥]

This blond joke is to funny.

A dumb blonde was really tired of being made fun of, so she decided to have her hair she would look like a brunette.

When she had brown hair, she decided to take a drive in the country.

After she had been driving for a while, she saw a farmer and a flock of sheep and thought,

"Oh! Those sheep are so adorable!"
She got out and walked over to the farmer and said,
"If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one home?"
The farmer, being a bit of a gambler himself, said she could have a try.

The blonde looked at the flock and guessed, "157."The farmer was amazed - she was right! So the blonde, (who looked like a brunette), picked one out and got back into her car.

Before she left, farmer walked up to her and said.

"If I can guess the real color of your hair, can I have my dog back?"

 

[Gourmet Popcorn]

I heard this one from my cousin.

A blonde walks in to a electronic store and goes to the store manager and says hello i would like to purchase a T.V. The store managers say's we dont sell T.V's to blondes, so she walks out in confusion and comes back the next day with her haired died black and goes to the manager and says hello I would like to purchase a T.V. and he says sorry we dont sell T.V's to blondes. So she walks out in frustration and comes back the next day with her haired cut off completely (bald) and says i would like to purchase a T.V and the store manager say's sorry we don't sell T.V's to blondes and she said angrily how do you keep knowing im a blond and the store maneger says because thats not a T.V thats a microwave.

 

[Jack O'Neill]

A Soviet rocket officer falls asleep on duty, right in front of the dreaded "red button." A colonel comes in and requests a status report; the officer replies "Nothing's happened so far, comrade Colonel. "

The colonel retorts, "Nothing's happened, you say? Nothing's happened?! Then where the hell is Belgium?!"

 

[Shadow_Yue]

My jokes might be corny but their still funny! ( I think ) Blonde JOKE ALERT!



Two girls , a blonde and a brunette went to blockbuster's to rent a movie.
The girls said they wanted Balto and the guy behind the counter went to go get the movie.

" I love that movie , it really speaks to you!" The brunette said.

When they got home the brunette went to you the bathrrom, leaving the blonde with the movie. She put the movie case on the floor and sat down next to it. 10 minutes passed. The brunette came back into the room. " What are you doing?" she asked pointing to the brunette who now had her ear pressed against the box.

"I'm waiting for Balto , I think he has me on hold." The blonde replied.

 

[Vavavoom ♣]

Alright. I have a Classic one:

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

Pete and Repeat goes on a boat. Pete falls in the water... Who is remaining? Repeat

 

[Midnight Beat]

AHHHH I fell for it. I feel like like a moron. XD

 

[fy@x5]

Yo mama joke alert!

Your mother is so fat, I took 5 planes and a bus to get on her good side.

Oooh yeah, I'm baaad.