[Pokémon] The Myths of Cinnabar Island

[~Red]

Prologue

The boy lounged very still on his Lapras. His Super Rod rested on his knee and his right hand slowly caressed the tired Lapras' body. He watched the water around him, the slow ripples of the life within it's cool depths. There was no one around in this part of Route 20.

He sighed deeply. He shifted himself into an upright position to pack away his rod and fishing gear. Once his backpack was full once more, he signaled to his old Lapras to head back to shore, back to the island of myth and mystery, back to Cinnabar...

The Lapras heaved himself into a U-turn and casually waded in an easterly direction. The boy looked around himself, it was getting rather dark. Cinnabar was almost in sight.

A ripple on the surface a few feet from them. Probably a Tenticool he thought. Another ripple, closer now, more larger. Paranoia sets in as the boy sat up more straight and alert. Foam rises from the frozen depths all around. A thin layer of fog swept it's way across and dances on the surface of the water.

Then a strange thing happened. The Lapras halted as the water it was about to cross began to change to a deep purple colour. It flicks up and splats across the boy and his Pokémon with the texture not dissimilar to yoghurt.

The purple gunk bubbles and begins to levitate into the air and spin like a purple tornado. As they writhed in midair the boy watched with his mouth open as the purple splodges began to stick together and form strange shapes. A swirl of blue and white was added to their colour and a form was almost created.

Before the boy could take in the giant beast, it flew up into the air at light speed, leaving a trail of purple mess behind it. The water around him went still. Silence. "Lapras....Lapras! Move!" But the Lapras was gazing up at the sky, transfixed, in a trance. It let out a small whine. The boy gradually lifted his head up to look where the Lapras was looking.

Nobody heard the boy scream. Nobody saw him again.

 

[Bay]

Okay, usually I don't do this, but there are a couple easy grammar mistakes you made.

He watched the water around him, the slow ripples of the life within it's cool depths

Its without the apostrophe. "It's" is a contraction to "it is" but in this sentence it won't make sense to say "...ripples of the life within it is cool depths."

I also noticed you changed tense in the prologue, which is not good as it makes the story inconsistent on the time of it. For instance:

The Lapras heaved himself into a U-turn and casually waded in an easterly direction.

The Lapras halts as the water it was about to cross begins to change to a deep purple colour. It flicks up and splats across the boy and his Pokémon with the texture not dissimilar to yoghurt.

First quote you have past tense but in second quote the words are in present tense. When doing a story, for the most part in narration you either have the story be in past or present tense and stick with it. I'm not exactly the best person to explain this since tenses are my weakness in writing, so someone might explain this better than you.

Other than those mistakes I noticed, hm a good start on the prologue. You have some action going on (in which case the boy and his Lapras disappeared), so that's a plus.

However, I'm thinking what got that boy and his Lapras is Missingno, considering the glitch that happens somewhere in Cinnabar Island. There has been stories of those in the past with the plot just about that glitch taking over the island and such, so I'm worried this story will become one of those. This is a prologue though so I shouldn't jump to conclusions. Am kinda curious what kind of plot you have going on.

So yeah, besides a few mistakes I noticed and this being a Missingno story, you have a good and simple writing style and you have some action going on in the prologue already that made me curious what's going to happen next. I'll keep an eye on this and see what happens. ;)

 

[~Red]

Thanks for the input! I'll fix the tense mistakes. Don't worry, this story won't just be centered on whatever the boy found in the water. Hmm, does Grammar differ in different parts of the world? I've never written it's like its before. And my English teacher doesn't mind either. I think of it like this, you use an apostrophe for abbreviations OR if the object belongs to them. In this case, instead of writing "within the water's depths" I put, "within it's depths."

Chapter 1 ~ New faces

Red leaned against the Pokémon Center's wall and hummed a slow tune to himself. His boredom was somewhat niggling at the back of his brain, he needed something to do. He'd only just beaten Blaine, and his water Pokémon were too tired from the battle to surf him back to Pallet Town.

Sure, he could fly there, but what Pokémon of his would decide to carry him AND the old man along with his wheelchair. He could leave him behind, but the old fart did show him how to catch a Pokémon all those months ago.

Where was he now? Talking to the nurse inside the building he was casually slouching upon. Red pulled a Pokéball from his backpack and threw it to the ground leisurely. With a pop, it burst open and his Pikachu hopped out and onto his shoulder.

"Well Pikachu, I'm bored, let's go have some fun." Red said to his Pokémon. Before Pikachu could agree, a girl stepped out in front of Red. She must have been about the same age as Red, same height too.

She had long brown hair. It was half obscured by a giant white hat that had a small red ribbon smartly laced around it. She had large, sparkling yellow eyes that seemed to reflect the sunlight into Red's dazzled pupils. The look of determination on her face seemed to ruin the image though.

"You must be Red, huh? I watched your battle with Blaine this morning, impressive although a little sloppy towards the end. He almost had you with that Arcanine.." She smiled sarcastically. Red looked down so his cap threw a shadow across his face. He smirked back.

"What do you want other than to mock me?" Red replied. After some brief thought, the girl then said, "To battle you of course! Come on Red, I can take you."

"Whoah, whoah, hold on, one thing first..." Red looked her straight into the eyes and their gaze was locked. "What...is your name?"

"Kotone." She said simply.

 

[Miz en Scène]

I've never written it's like its before. And my English teacher doesn't mind either. I think of it like this, you use an apostrophe for abbreviations OR if the object belongs to them. In this case, instead of writing "within the water's depths" I put, "within it's depths."

I'm just jumping in to say that while it's true that you use an apostrophe to turn a noun into a possessive, there is an exception to the rule in the form of 'it'. 'It' being a gender-neutral third person noun uses 'its' as its possessive because the apostrophe is also used for contractions.

Basically,

Its = The possessive of 'it'.
It's = A contraction of 'it is', 'it was' and variations involving 'it' and forms of the verb 'be'.

Eg.
Its egg is hatching because it's warm enough for incubation to happen

 

[Silawen]

Hmm, does Grammar differ in different parts of the world? I've never written it's like its before. And my English teacher doesn't mind either. I think of it like this, you use an apostrophe for abbreviations OR if the object belongs to them. In this case, instead of writing "within the water's depths" I put, "within it's depths."

I'm sorry, but your English teacher should have caught that. No matter which type of English you use 'its' is always the possessive and 'it's' means 'it is' or 'it has'. No exceptions.

If you want to get a closer look you can find various articles online about it. Just type 'it's vs its' into google, or have a look at this random link I chose.

It's tricky sometimes, because people want to use the apostrophe to indicate possession, but this one is different. Just like 'who's' doesn't refer to the possessive of 'who' but indicates 'who is' or 'who has'.

Edit: Seems several people were writing replies to this, heh. Well, double the information, I suppose. ;)

 

[Yusshin]

Don't feel bad about the "its vs. it's" debate, though. Although it is true that:

Its = Possession; since "it's" is already taken and used as a contraction, "its" was implemented for possession as to distinguish it from the other variation of the word

It's = Contraction of "it is" or "it has". It makes more sense for it to be a contraction versus a possessive noun. It may cause an irregular pattern, for normally if something owns something else, it's shown by using "'s" or just a plain old apostrophe. In this case, this is uniquely the contraction, and the other spelling variation is the possessive article.

As for your teacher, you should probably bring this to her attention. She's not only incorrect herself, but she's causing confusion in her students and it could have an affect on their grades and judgment of literary terms in the future.

Make sure you bring proof, though. The last time I correct a teacher in French, they tried to make me apologize, when I shouldn't have to. Stay proud. Teachers are humans, too, and are not immune to error.

 

[~Red]

Any comments on the fanfic itself?

 

[Yusshin]

Short Review

It's a bit too soon to judge how well the 'fic is going to develop, but it's a good start. I'm currently reviewing another 'fic, but once I'm done, I'll edit this post with a review on grammar as well. There are some things in that area that can be improved; story-wise, it looks fine.

[Edit]

Just some things I noticed; when you end a dialogue, such as:

"Kotone." She said simply.

You need to use commas when the following phrase outside of the quotes refers to what's being said, or how it's being said. If it's a statement, you don't use a comma before the end of the dialogue. For example, this phrase should read either:

"Kotone," she said simply.

or, in statement form:

"Kotone." Her voice reflected simplicity.

"Whoah, whoah,

The more acceptable spelling of this would be "woah".

Silawen caught most of it before me :s so that's all I could pick up at a first-glance. Hopefully we'll see some improvements in chapter two!

 

[Silawen]

Since you already received some concrit about chapter one, I'll move onto chapter two instead. Hopefully it'll be of use to you. ;)

~
​

His boredom was somewhat niggling at the back of his brain and he needed something to do.

I would add 'and' instead of using a comma, because they really are two separate sentences. You could also use something like 'so', or 'thus'. ^^

Sure, he could fly there, but what Pokémon of his would decide to carry him AND the old man along with his wheelchair.

Why doesn't he have his pokémon healed at the pokémon centre, though? Anyway, that isn't my issue with this sentence. Now, it may just be personal taste, but I try to never use words written in all capitals. I know you meant to stress it, but I find it can come across as yelling. Maybe put it in italics, instead?

Where was he now? Talking to the nurse inside the building he was casually slouching upon.

I think this sentence is a bit awkward. The first time I read it I was trying to figure out what exactly the old man was slouching on, then realized you meant Red. If you do want to keep this sentence, then maybe rework it a bit? (Isn't he slouching against the building, since he isn't actually sitting on it?) Or simply change the 'he' to 'Red', so we know who you're talking about.

With a pop, it burst open and his Pikachu hopped out and onto his shoulder.

I know, I know, this is a touchy subject, but I want to mention it anyway. I never capitalize pokémon species, because you wouldn't capitalize 'dog' or 'elephant' either. Now, you can choose for yourself what you do, but I just wanted to point it out. I know there are huge debates about this, but still. XD

"Well, Pikachu, I'm bored, let's go have some fun," Red said to his Pokémon.

A few comma issues here. First of all, when he's talking to his pikachu it's a case of direct address. He's directly talking to that specific pikachu and actually using its name. Other examples include 'Hey, Amy', or 'Watch out, Mom!'

The other comma is speech punctuation. (Dialogue and such.) You get it whenever a speech verb is involved. Speech verbs directly connect to the spoken sentence, because they're the ones making the speech possible. (Said, spoke, whispered, yelled, asked, suggested, etc.) They're the speaking part. Whenever this is the case you get a comma - or exclamation point/question mark - and a lowercased word following it. (Unless it's, like here, a word that would always be capitalized.)

Like so:

"Hey," she said.

Said is the speech verb here and as a result you get a comma and a lowercased word following it. If it hadn't been a speech verb you'd get this:

"Hey." She waved.

You can't wave a sentence, so it's obviously not a speech verb. That means they're not directly connected and you get a period/full-stop and a capitalized word following it.

(Be aware, not all verbs that produce sound are speech verbs. You don't snort, whistle, cough, etc. a sentence. Some are debatable, such as 'cough' and such, but sounds don't always mean speech.)

She had long brown hair. It was half obscured by a giant white hat that had a small red ribbon smartly laced around it. She had large, sparkling yellow eyes that seemed to reflect the sunlight into Red's dazzled pupils. The look of determination on her face seemed to ruin the image though.

Try to gradually share these things throughout the story, not all at once. info-dumps aren't fun to read and what she looks like isn't immediately relevant. You can mention something to define her and make her recognizable - 'a girl with a large, white hat stood in front of him' - but don't feel you have to show everything to us all at once. If it becomes important, then mention it. ;)

(For example, if the wind is blowing you could mention her hair. Or if she's shielding her eyes from the sun, you could mention those.)

I watched your battle with Blaine this morning. Impressive, although a little sloppy towards the end.

Another case of two separate sentences being connected by a comma. These could stand on their own.

"To battle you, of course! Come on, Red, I can take you."

When there's a pause, you get a comma. Especially in front of words such as 'of course'. The second comma is direct address again.

Now, there are other errors, but those are ones connected to things I've already explained. (Dialogue, direct address, that kind of thing.)

~
​

All in all, it's not bad, but I think you could add a lot of depth and length to it. It's hardly a page and you could have done so much more. Describe what is going on and where it's happening, don't just give us the facts. We want to read a story, not just a journal on what Red did.

If you have questions, please let me know. ;) Good luck!

 

[~Red]

Chapter 1 ~ New faces

Red leaned against the Pokémon Center's wall and hummed a slow tune to himself. His boredom was somewhat niggling at the back of his brain. He needed something to do. He'd only just beaten Blaine, and his water Pokémon were too tired from the battle to surf him back to Pallet Town.

He sighed. Sure, he could fly there, but what Pokémon of his would decide to carry him and the old man along with his wheelchair. He could leave him behind, but the old fart did show him how to catch a Pokémon all those months ago.

Where was he now? Talking to the nurse inside the building Red was casually slouching upon. Red pulled a Pokéball from his backpack and threw it to the ground leisurely. With a pop, it burst open and his Pikachu hopped out and onto his shoulder.

"Well, Pikachu, I'm bored, let's go have some fun." Red said to his Pokémon. Before Pikachu could agree however, a girl stepped out in front of Red. She must have been about the same age as Red, same height too.

She wore a giant white hat that had a small red ribbon smartly laced around it. She had large, sparkling yellow eyes that seemed to reflect the sunlight into Red's dazzled pupils. The look of determination on her face seemed to ruin the image though.

"You must be Red, huh? I watched your battle with Blaine this morning. Impressive, although a little sloppy towards the end. He almost had you with that fire blast.." She smiled innocently, as if it would mask the fact that she was mocking him. Red looked down slightly so his cap threw a shadow across his face. He smirked back at her.

"What do you want other than to insult me?" Red replied. The girl exaggerated deep thought. The gesture was sarcastic. She then said, "To battle you of course! Come on Red, I can take you!"

"Whoah, whoah, hold on, one thing first..." Red looked up and straight into her eyes. Their gaze was locked. "What...is your name?"

"Kotone." She said simply.


There....any better?

 

[Silawen]

There....any better?

Yes, but you still don't have the dialogue punctuation quite right. Both Yusshin and I explained it, but I could do it again if you're not sure? It's quite difficult, but once you get it it's really worthwhile.

 

[Jaegir]

It's hard putting enough info in but not too much so that it becomes tl;dr.
So less dialogue more story maybe? I want to know what happened to that kid.

 

[~Red]

Chapter 1 ~ New faces

Red leaned against the Pokémon Center's wall and hummed a slow tune to himself. His boredom was somewhat niggling at the back of his brain. He needed something to do. He'd only just beaten Blaine, and his water Pokémon were too tired from the battle to surf him back to Pallet Town.

He sighed. Sure, he could fly there, but what Pokémon of his would decide to carry him and the old man along with his wheelchair. He could leave him behind, but the old fart did show him how to catch a Pokémon all those months ago.

Where was he now? Talking to the nurse inside the building Red was casually slouching upon. Red pulled a Pokéball from his backpack and threw it to the ground leisurely. With a pop, it burst open and his Pikachu hopped out and onto his shoulder.

"Well, Pikachu, I'm bored, let's go have some fun." Red said to his Pokémon. Before Pikachu could agree however, a girl stepped out in front of Red. She must have been about the same age as Red, same height too.

She wore a giant white hat that had a small red ribbon smartly laced around it. She had large, sparkling yellow eyes that seemed to reflect the sunlight into Red's dazzled pupils. The look of determination on her face seemed to ruin the image though.

"You must be Red, huh? I watched your battle with Blaine this morning. Impressive, although a little sloppy towards the end. He almost had you with that fire blast.." She smiled innocently, as if it would mask the fact that she was mocking him. Red looked down slightly so his cap threw a shadow across his face. He smirked back at her.

"What do you want other than to insult me?" Red replied. The girl exaggerated deep thought. The gesture was sarcastic. She then said, "To battle you of course! Come on Red, I can take you!"

"Woah, woah, hold on, one thing first..." Red looked up and straight into her eyes. Their gaze was locked. "What...is your name?"

"Kotone," She said simply.

Chapter 2 ~ Disturbance in the water

Red and Kotone picked a rather secluded spot on the eastern coast of Cinnabar Island. They had a perfect view of the deep blue ocean, it's sparkling waters reflecting the sunlight like crystals.

The water was calm, there was barely any wind. The sun was high in the sky, the orange disc sending warm rays across the island. Perfect conditions for a Pokémon battle.

Before they began, however, Kotone made the rules of the match perfectly clear. "No withdrawals, choose your Pokémon wisely. No items to be used either..." As she rambled on, neither Red nor Kotone noticed the sudden change in wind direction and tide. The current seemed to move westerly all of a sudden, the water looked menacingly deep.

"...you got all that?" Kotone finished. She folded her arms and looked at Red as if she were waiting for something. Red grabbed a Pokéball from his belt and threw it high up in the air. It burst and a huge shadow covered the sun as Red's Charizard fell to the ground.

The landing shook the floor and almost toppled Kotone over. Red just stood casually and calm as if nothing happened. Charizard growled and blew a small stream of dark smoke from its nostrils.

Kotone only smiled. In one swift movement, she spun around and flung a Pokéball at Red. He ducked casually and smirked. "Well, you're not going to be able to battle me very well if your Pokémon is off the cliff and in the water," Red said insultingly.

Kotone's facial expression hadn't changed. A small sound from behind Red caught him off-guard and a huge water Pokémon flew past his head and landed smartly in front of Kotone. It was a Pokémon Red had never seen before. He pulled out his Pokédex to take a look. "Unable to Identify species," said the Pokédex with a beep.

Kotone laughed. "You won't find Feraligatr on your Kanto dex, Red," she said. The water offshore began to bubble frantically, as if it was boiling hot. Fog swept over it.

"Charizard use flamethrower!" Red yelled at his Pokémon. A clean jet of fire shot from Charizard's mouth and straight at the Feraligatr. It hit home, but the opposing Pokémon didn't seem affected at all.

"Feraligatr! Use Hydro Pump!" Feraligatr jumped up into the air and spun around above Charizard before sending an immense amount of water from its mouth to come crashing down upon Charizard.

Offshore, a dark head poked its way out of the water and surveyed its surroundings. It saw the battle and pounced upwards towards it. It landed with a crash on the edge of the cliff.

Both Red and Kotone turned and saw it, their mouths open wide. The sheer height of the beast seemed to block out most of the sunlight. It was huge. Red quickly pulled out his Pokédex to see what it was. According to the display, this Pokémon was a Snorlax. But the thing that was most weird, was what it displayed as its level. Kotone was already on the same page, she was looking at her own (slightly more advanced) Pokédex.

"Level 173? Impossible!" They both shouted in unison. Charizard and Feraligatr had stopped fighting. They were standing ready to attack the Snorlax. Snorlax snarled, realizing the sudden change in atmosphere. Kotone then said, "Wait! If this thing has been living in the waters, why would it come out now, when we were battling?"

Red looked deep in thought. He then tilted his head upwards to meet the Snorlax' eyes. "Hey Snorlax, what do you want?" Snorlax crouched down and brought his massive head at eye level with Red's. He smiled stupidly at Red, almost kindly.

Red looked at Kotone. "Perhaps he wanted to watch the match?" Red suggested. Kotone looked at Snorlax and shrugged.

Red heard a distant noise. He turned around and noticed around thirty people running in their direction from Cinnabar Island's town centre. They'd seen the Snorlax come out of the water. "Darn it," Red said, he then turned to Snorlax, "Get back in the water! Quick!" Snorlax looked at him sadly but then realizing the sudden danger turned and bounded into the water again.

Red looked at Kotone worriedly. She looked back with the same expression.

 

[Jaegir]

I would have rathered you ended explaining why Kotone had a different Pokedex, why she was there, and what the islanders thought about the snorlax. Its feel Lost-ish, I like it so far.