Eheh. I have a silly teenage problem. xD;;. Caution, up ahead lies a bit of a strange and complex situation written in detail just an idea of the feel of the circumstances.
So, I don't exactly hate but I don't like my female classmates either. None of them are good students, they all have shallow, inambitious personalities and the only thing they can talk (or scream about- they are quite loud..) about is how --ty the smallest thing is, how gay it is for two guys just to play wrestle, or what's going on in that soap opera. Therefore, I am the odd girl out in my classroom as I am serious about my studies, I like video games and anime and I don't like to raise my voice. Because of my interests, I noticed that in class I spend most of my time talking to the guys. During breaktime, I spend my time with two sisters from a lower grade, and we're good friends, but I never ever really click with the girls in my class.
There are fourteen in my class, with five girls and nine guys, counting myself. Though they do mix, most of the time the guys stick to the guys and the girls stick to the girls. Which makes it awkward for me, since I don't want to be alienated from the group of girls but I have fun hanging out with the guys too. I can bear with it, though. My real problem is this: I like this guy, very much. I care about him, I like working with him on school projects because he's a hardworking, ambitious person while also being a funny guy. However, like everyone else in the class, he's also concerned about keeping up an 'appearance' for the rest of the class. When it is just the two of us talking to each other, he's casual and talks to me normally, though usually he can't talk for long. When he's around friends, however, I notice that he's quite rude to me at times when I approach him.
I understand this, of course. My class is pretty immature when it comes to relationships- you hang out with a person of the opposite gender, by the next day the word has gone around that you two are 'deep in love' and a potential strong platonic relationship is ruined. And because the person I like is always surrounded by the tight circle of his friends, it's almost impossible to catch him alone. So I take whatever chance I get to get to know him better, and we're somewhat friends from these efforts, but he doesn't know I like him- at least I don't think so.
However, my girl classmates know that I like him. They're not very experienced with romance, however, so often they're bad at giving advice regarding it, and tease me about my affections. They throw out hints all the time in front of everybody, which unnerves me greatly. It's very annoying, actually.
Earlier today, school got out, and my female classmate asked me, "Why do you like him anyway? Are you desperate? You're desperate, aren't you.." And I hate that word 'desperate'. Her words left me disturbed. I'm a very affectionate person, I hang out with guys and I know many guys who are close, platonic friends of mine. So even in this circumstance when it'd be a better idea to hang out with the tight clique of girls to avoid conflict, why do I care about this guy so much and why am I 'hanging' with these dudes? I like it when I work hard and get good praise for it, and I soak up compliments from others very happily, and I'm wondering if these are actions to deal with a low self-esteem problem.
The bottom line is, I'm wondering if I'm desperate for affection and a feeling of self-worth. I've been thinking about it very carefully since my classmate suggested it. You don't have to tackle every single issue I've presented in this thesis of a post, but I'd really like to know if it's normal to want a some love. I can live without it, but I really would like to have someone to feel mutual romantic emotions towards myself. It's made me very confused..