As a victim of bullying myself, I can offer you some very simple advice to follow: People's opinions of you become easier to ignore when you realize their opinions are just an ignorant attempt to insult you. It can be quite humorous to deal with people when you realize how stupid and pathetic they can be.
Oh, boy, where do I begin. I feel very...lost right now.
I'm a person who can't function without having a crush, being in love; whatever you'd like to call it. It's something that keeps me going, keeps my thoughts centered, focused.
In my last semester of high school, I fell hard for someone. In a related-but-not-so-related story, I was going through a massive falling out with an ex-friend-now-worst-enemy at the time I developed this crush, and oh, did that ex-friend ever f#ck it up.
It began very awkwardly. My crush was virtually unaware I existed (Such a girl line. Oh well.) despite my reputation (which I oddly had; it seems independence + odd friendships = gossip, in my school, anyway), and to add to that, I had to stave off rumors that I was dating my best friend (she's a girl, she's hanging out with a guy, they have to be dating, having sex, getting pregnant; it's what all teenagers do of course, amirite?) at the time. It was difficult, but after some awkward outbursts (at even the slighest hint I got of anyone implying something, I'd speak out--loudly at that--to defy their accusations), I sorta convinced a few people.
Regardless, I guess things got sorta good when I started warming up to my crush's friends. (Yeah, sure, I'll admit: It was to get to my crush, and nothing more, but honestly, who hasn't done that? At least I was kind to them, since I had nothing against them.) I managed to become pretty good friends with my crush's best friend once I affirmed that I had feelings for them, so it made things with my crush's best friend a bit easier, at least.
So finally, I get my crush to notice my existence. My petty, doomed-from-the-start feelings start to get deeper when we begin to talk. We establish a friendship, but as usual, I don't have the balls to make a move, because of complications.
So, I was figuring out in my head the best way to make a move, when another friend of mine asks me to a prom afterparty. Knowing the connection he has to my crush, and the high probability of my crush showing up, I accept the invitation. Of course, my crush's best friend is happy to hear that I'm going. What she doesn't know is, I'm planning to make a move on her best friend at that party. (Drunk people are, at the very least, truthful; their sensitivity is impaired through their inhibitions.)
So, the day of the party rolls around, and I'm deciding to myself "OK, I'll wait until my crush is alone, then make my move." What happens?
The entire party, my crush is talking to everyone and their mom. Unsure of how to go about it (Because I don't know half these people, and I'll be damned if I'm going to waste my time getting to know them. They're not what I'm here for. And sure enough, cue two drunk girls getting at me. Decisions, decisions. :V), I retreat, choosing instead to talk to my crush's best friend. Problem is, she's busy consoling the now ex-girlfriend of the guy who invited me to the party in the first place...because he'd chosen to broke up with her beforehand. So, with nobody to fall back on, I decide to make idle chat with a few old friends who I hadn't seen in a while.
Until the cops came.
So everyone I really hate is gone from the party, along with the randoms and freeloading partygoers. All that's left are my friends, the school floozies, and my crush. What does my crush do?
Decides to move the party to their house. I think this is God's way of smiling on me, so I ask for a ride, thinking something will happen.
It doesn't. My crush is so s#itfaced that they can't recognize me, or barely anyone else, for that matter. Even when I made a slight pass, it went unnoticed. </3
So I'm stuck still trying to make conversation with the few people I have left to talk to (because my crush's best friend decided to leave with a few of the people for drunk 3 AM McDonald's; and who doesn't love drunk 3 AM McDonald's? The concept in and of itself makes me giggle like an 8 year-old girl. :V), and that's when I realized I'd failed. My crush had gone downstairs, where everyone who hated me (but I didn't hate them) were, so I was stuck with my sort-of friends, talking about whatever the f#ck we talked about. (I don't even know...and I should, considering I was one of two people who didn't touch alcohol at that party. Yay me for being a cellebus [sp?] little prick. :V) As soon as the drunk 3 AM McDonald's crew returned at about 4:30, I immediately requested to be taken home. My friend (the only other person who didn't touch alcohol...because he was the DD, of course) obliged, and drove me home.
I post on Facebook telling my crush's best friend that I had a good time (and I did; seeing my crush was good enough for me, honestly), and I went to bed.
That Monday, I was the talk of the school.
That Facebook post apparently got so horrendously misconstrued that some little s#its at my school (whose identities I am damn well sure of, by the way) decide to start a rumor that
my crush's best friend and I hooked up at the party. S#it hits the fan from here.
Because I felt that the rumor was so overly staged for the sole purpose of destroying what little reputation I had at that point, and because it was so ludicrous in nature (my crush's best friend is not the type who does that sort of thing, and the fact that they said that about her, even though it was mostly against me, is pretty low if you ask me, despite the fact that I'm truly the victim and I'm the one who should feel as such.) that I chose not to deny it. It was just that; a rumor.
Then these same little s#its decide to say that I made up that rumor, and that's when it gets heated. Everyone begins to ask me if we did or didn't. I, of course, vehemently deny this, but this all happens after I'm accused of making it up in the first place, something nobody bothers to ask. Nobody, of course, except my crush's best friend, who is downright livid. Despite assuring me that she'd fix the problem, the damage was done.
My crush decides to delete me from Facebook and block me from MSN. Without so much as a "Hey, did you...?". Just...gone, like that.
I...did not take it well, let's just say that. I had already been dealing with scrutiny from a lot of these people, and while I had mostly dismissed it as the antics of a bunch of immature little brats, that pushed me over the edge. I ended up deleting 140 friends from Facebook - which, at the time, was over half my friends list - and immediately stopped talking to the vast majority of the people who even had the slightest connection to them, including, sadly, my crush's best friend, who, in my heartbreak, I accused of spilling the beans. She denies this, but still, we argued, and we haven't spoken since, much less on the terms we were before that party.
I haven't spoken to many of those people at that party since then. It was a mistake going there for such a selfish reason, and, had I realized this, I wouldn't have went.
On a side note, after school had finished, a friend sent me a picture which was a Facebook conversation on my ex-friend-now-worst-enemy's status where they pretty much do nothing but talk s#it about me. (Funny enough, it started out as talking s#it about another friend of mine...and then it segwayed into me, because I was the easy target for them.) It was the day that my crush deleted me from Facebook, the day I deleted everyone in response. They said a lot of things that, in truth, angered a lot of my friends more than it did me, because they were mean things, but they were very ignorant and pathetic things to be saying. (To give a relevant example, they said that I jerk off to Pokemon. We all obviously do that here at PC, right? Because this place is called PokeCommunity, not FurryCommunity. >_>) In the midst of their conversation, I'm deleting everyone over my heartbreak, and they think I saw that status conversation and are s#itting their pants, thinking I'm going to go all Columbine on them. Oh, the lulz of that...What a bunch of ignorant little...never mind.
Regardless, due to the swiftness of it, I never...let it settle in. My crush wanted nothing to do with me. I spent the entire time just thinking...maybe they were just misinformed. Maybe...I can forgive my crush for doing that.
I was thinking this today, as I was writing a note on Facebook. One of the questions asked "Do you want someone from your past back in your life?" or something of the sort. That got me thinking about my crush again, so as my friends are trying to talk to me on MSN, I bring it up. One of my friends literally gives me the biggest slap-in-your-face-logic answers I've ever heard in my entire life:
"If your crush won't apologize for what they did to you, they don't deserve you."
I don't think I've ever felt as stupid as I did when I was just floored by that response. Funny thing is, my friend didn't even intend for that to have any impact, much less the impact it did.
I feel like...I can finally get over my crush now. I've spent too much time trying to get over them this whole summer, and because of it, I've never really taken the time to explore other possibilities I have. In fact, I've broken hearts in the process by lying to myself, thinking I could fall in love with someone else when my heart couldn't stop thinking about someone who'd just tossed me aside. (When I write it out like that, I really feel like a fool...heh.)
I believe I need some time now. Or some space.
Where are the DPPt legendaries when you need them?
lolfailjoke.
With this exceedingly simple revelation, I think I can finally begin the healing process. The oft-delayed, three-month-overdue healing process.
God. I'm a f#$%ing idiot sometimes. >_>
