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~ToWriteLove's Work~

Here is a poem of deception of love, karma deciding its fate.

Mended Lies

Beautiful words I say to her echo back,
Bouncing back they crash into someone, a friend,
It consumes me, a mocking suprise attack,
How could loves intentions come to this cruel end?
Depression sinks in, moping around sorrow,
Heart ripped in four between friend, foe, love, and hate,
Tossed aside, will I make it through tomorrow?
Will it be mended, or will it be too late?
Then it happens, a separation of love,
Do my eyes deceive me? Can it be true?
My heart mends itself, together with a shove,
Chances are slim, I shall not become shrew,
Heart skipping beats, I take my first steps forward,
I say my prayers of hope, my gaze aimed skyward
 
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Your poem is very original. I love it.
It has good rhythm and rhyming.
Though what I love best is the story.
One is torn apart from his loved one and faces terrible emotions, until he finds the one true hope. That is the way to eternal glory.

Very well done!
 
Zdravei[FONT=&quot]̆[/FONT]te.

What is that, Bulgarian? Yes, well, I decided to drop a by a review, because, well, I need to brush up my own poetry reviewing skills. I've done two so far and it seems hopeful. Do note that I'm only going to focus on the thematic and elements of the poem and barely anything on structure. Just because I'm not in the mood to go too in-depth into rules at the moment, and you seem fine to me in that respect. Okay, maybe I'll sneak in some things on spelling but that's about it.

Review: To me, the story your poem tells isn't anything really special, to be honest, and I only really enjoyed it for the execution and not so much for how the persona's angsting about his lost lover and betrayal. I don't mean that negatively, of course. It's just that I've gotten a bit tired of these love triangles. But you're not here to listen to me rant are you. You want a review, which is what I'm giving.

Overall, I enjoyed the flow of the story from the confession to the end in which you've managed to draw the reader's attention and not go off on a tangent. The descriptions and emotions you've tried to invoke within the poem were performed admirably, with most of the monologue managing to emulate the emotions felt by the persona to be understood by the reader. The visualizations were not to say completely vivid, but they did manage to capture the moment perfectly so that the reader didn't get too distracted. I'd say the balance was just nice, though I won't touch on the plot because that would just be me ranting again.

And finally, a few notes on spelling if you don't mind.

Will it be mended, or will it be too late?
Then it happens, a separation of love,
Do my eyes deceive me? Can it be true?
Click to expand...
Those three lines were misspelled in places. The topmost with the homophone being the most jarring. I've corrected them for you in the quote.
 
Thanks for the review, I appreciate the time you took. The spelling mistakes I shall fix when I'm not on my phone. As for the story I understand the plainness of it. My previous poems had been more unique but sadly I wasn't getting much response from them so I decided to try a mainstream view that others may relate to more. Thank you again for the review/slight breakdown, i appreciate it.
 
This poem I decided to use to represent that our past actions will come back to haunt us in the end. I named it The Fall of Greed because in my eyes, all sins fall upon greed, whether it be theft of an item, theft of a loved one, theft of dreams, or even the theft of life itself. I hope you all enjoy.

The Fall of Greed

Darkest of pits so deep, falling so fast,
Air breathes past me, vacuums towards the sky,
Never-ending shadows will forever last,
Barely make out sharp edges passing me by,
Eyes become blurry, how did I end up here?
Recollection hitting, clouds now before me,
Past returns, it is so beautiful and clear,
Golden Gates open, greeting all who be,
Walking forward, they seem farther away,
Disappearing, fear now becomes in control,
Evil washes over, enough to fray,
Catches, then pushes into the hellhole,
Consciousness regained, foolhardiness now known,
Forever inflicted, forever alone
 
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This is most certainly the fall of greed.
Doing such awful things without repentance can lead you to the most dreaded place of all.
Your description of the judgment of a wicked soul is outstanding. It helps us realize what we should do to avoid such a fate.
The rhyming is good, although since the lines are a tad long, it makes it pretty hard to rhyme them while reading, if you know what I mean. But that's probably just me.
Anyway, you wrote a very powerful poem. Keep up the great work!
 
It seems you never fail to continue putting out wonderful works, TWL. *Smiles.* Once again you've given us another powerful one, as well. This is a very descriptive poem, although not all of it does rhyme. (Not sure if you were intending that or not, but it shouldn't be a large problem. Just something that caught my eye.) I know that I'll certainly be looking forward to reading other poems from you. ^_^
 
God Kväll
Because it's night where I'm writing from here.

Review: The Fall of Greed
I've run out of ways to start of a review interestingly, so I'm falling back on these generic labels. Regardless, I'll start off by saying that the poem was indeed an interesting one and I was very much enthralled by the descriptions and messages present within the poem story, thanks to the vivid descriptive elements you snuck in there. It also helped that I love studying theology, among other things, and the fall of man, otherwise as I see it a personification of the fall of greed (which is really man=greed), is a subject which interests, and scares me a great deal because I just happen to be religious.

First off, your description of the descent into the abyss of hell is stunning, really. Incredibly vivid, you've managed to describe the sensations a soul must feel if it were to retain its earthly senses. I've said this before in other reviews but making the persona/protagonist more human in nature is usually a good thing if you're trying to evoke some form of emotion or message because it allows the reader to empathise with the character's plight and also avoid the character itself to become too transcendental or inferior in the process. Here, it's particularly a good thing because you're then able to expand on the various elements of hell imagery and the feeling of falling which accentuate the feeling of suspense towards the inevitability of the persona/protagonist's final destiny, thus, in a sense, scaring your reader. And to be honest, while the poem didn't scare me in the traditional sense, it was enough to remind me of matters beyond this earth, like, you know, religion for instance. I don't know, nor care, if you're religious or not, but the poem certainly has the spiritual vibe about it.

Also, adding the part where you describe heaven and the feeling of it slipping away between your fingers adds to the sense of loss and regret your persona must be feeling in the poem. I won't reiterate myself fully, but I'll just say that this, again, scares the reader and allows them to empathise with the persona.

Finally, I have to say that I enjoyed those last few lines. Basically my favourite kind of ending.
Forever inflicted, forever alone
Click to expand...
 
Thank you for your detailed review Mizan, I am glad that you were able to depict what happened in it and feel the emotion. I appreciate it and look forward to future reviews.
 
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This poem is about the reliance of the things we created, and how we should not be that way. It talks at first of the Industrial Revolution, when the advancement also started to lead to a downfall of lengths of lives. It then goes into what I see of a bright future, the abandonment of such ways to where we don't have to rely on such things and be able to fix the world from what turmoils we put it through. Hope you all enjoy.

Past Mistakes
Old world advances, industrial consumes,
Steam takes on the pressure, changing ways of life,
Man-made white clouds envelop and blooms,
Opportunities open, yet causes strife,
Gears shift, wheels turn, pieces put together,
Hammer flattens steel, sparks fly in all nations,
People sickened by god-forsaken weather,
Mistaken as storms, when it's their creations,
Poison of elements risen by them,
Conflicts between men, competition turns bad,
The future of humanity is so dim,
Then transition stops, learn from mistakes we had,
Wood goes from bronze to steel, then it stops, gears rust,
Life begins again, fresh air straight to the crust
 
This is a fairly unusual poem. But I liked the message it's trying to give to us.
And you did pretty well with making it rhyme and still having it make good sense too. Good work!
And keep on going!
 
Been awhile since I posted, with White out and all, felt like I needed to write this, I hope you all can depict it.

Fearing What's False
Dreams awaken me in the dead of night,
Cold sweat embraces me, sitting there alone,
Unwelcome acceptance, a day to day fight,
Walk like ghosts, known not except by a moan,
Tears fall from my eyes, only failures noticed,
Loneliness still there, will it always be so?
Truth in back of mind, wish they would be honest,
Tears turn to blood, I've become my own foe,
Heart's cruel intentions choosing what cannot be,
Torturing me with what's out of arms reach,
The stories ending I cannot foresee,
Searching for the pains answer, yet can't beseech,
A sacrifice of love, choice not made by I,
Truth that be known, an everlasting lie
 
This seems to have a "certain" meaning. But it's probably just me.
So yeah, this one was put together pretty well. So good job to that. Keep writing!

(Sorry for my absence)
 
Hello everyone, been awhile since I last posted, been busy. This poem kind've represents some past events I have been experiencing, not sure if I am quite fond of this piece so figured I would post it and see what kind of opinions I would get from it, hope you enjoy.

Loss, A Forever Wanted Experience
A loss, to soon to truly know its feeling,
Loved One, gone before the sun had ever set,
Memories, never to be had without crying,
Pain, everlasting emotion that is met,
Numbness, unaware of surrounding sin,
Saddened, tears streaking down continuously,
Fate, cruel events left unanswered, a burden,
Angry, brink into the madness blindly,
Sorrow, depression taking over the soul,
Sacrifice, a payment and an ease of mind,
Morality, something that struck its last toll,
Ending, an answer they will never find
 
...I see what the poem says. And I definitely know the feeling. My oldest brother died last August. It was terrible. Completely unexpected. :cer_frown:
The poem really express the emotions you go through when such tragedy occurs.
Whatever happened to you, ToWriteLove, I feel so sorry for you.
 
Been awhile since I wrote, hope you all enjoy this one.

This one is based off a certain stuggle I have been dealing with lately, harder than ever now, and is just a way for me to let it out. The line lengths are a tad uneven but I feel like it's still flows real well.

The Answer
To feel what I've felt all of these years,
The answer to my question, greatest of fears,
Response will hurt someone, whatever said,
Roadblocks stopping me, so many tears shed,
If only I knew how to handle this emotion,
Or that I was worthy to giver her my devotion,
But past mistakes stop me in my tracks,
Constant haunting from mental attacks,
With friends unknowingly harmful as an enemy,
Halting my heart from loves match-made chemistry,
I must hold back though, no matter how much I need,
For loss of the bond shared now would cause me to bleed,
So I must hold back for when the times come,
When this ill fortuned pain finally goes numb
 
I believe the message is that we ought to let our negative emotions, such as sorrow or anger, to pass on before we start our lives and actions again. And to be honest, that is a wise thing to do when such events happen to us.
The rhymes are very good; I enjoyed them all. And the whole idea for the poem is a very good one.
It isn't extravagant, but there isn't anything bad either. So it's just an all-round good writing.
Great job!
 
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