W.o.b.e. Yen

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Love Intent
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    Chapter I
    W.O.B.E. Yen


    "Don't let him get the stone!" Yelled a warrior in a large suit of armor which seemed to be made of pure metal to an army of soldiers who also seemed to have the same armor that seemed too heavy to be lifted by one man alone. A man wielding mystical looking staff was climbing a large mountain and was approaching the top, where a sphere like stone was awaiting. The man climbing the mountain had turned his upper body around, pointed his staff at the army and began to say a group of words. "Camcara, Noncara, Sancara More!" A blast of lighting suddenly came out of the staff and hit a large portion of the army. "No, don't let get to The Stone Of Five or else doom will be set apon us all!" The army began to get frustrated and started to throw their spear's at the man that they knew as W.O.B.E. Yen which stood for: Warrior, Of, Bad, Evil. Dark clouds came over the mountain as W.O.B.E. Yen obtained the stone. A very bright light came from the stone and soon lite up the whole seen. "Wah!....Wha-what was?...What a weird dream." Said Jason, a thirteen year old boy who's birthday was a couple days ago. As he got up off his bed, he started thinking about the odd dream that he just had. "W.O.B.E. Yen...Stone Of Five? I need to stop eating porkrines before bed." As he glanced over to his clock he jumped right out of his bed realizing that it was seven fifty four. "Oh, no...I need to hurry or i'll miss the bus." As he rushed to find a pair of socks, his six year old sister Amy walked by his room and decided to talk. "Hy Jason, good morning." "Amy, I don't have time, i'm going to miss my bus if I don't hurry!" "Yea but-" "Amy, seriously, I don't have time." "Fine, all I wanted to do was ask you if you wanted to have a snow ball fight." "Yea right, even if I had the time I wouldn't-, What did you say?" "I said I was just going to ask if you wanted to have a snowball fight." "Snow ball-?...It's snowing?" "Yea, alot too. I figured that since school was canceled for today then you might-" "School is canceled?!" "Sheesh, I would tell you if you would let me speak!Yup and they said on the news that we should be out all week." "This is great!" Jason yelled out. "Hey you two, keep it down up there!" said Jason and Amy's mother. Jason ran down stairs to see if his mom had kept any breakfast for him. "Good morning mom." "It was untill I figured out that school was canceled for the week." "Oh come on, we aren't that bad." "Yea what ever." Said the mom while rolling her eye's. Jason grabbed on one of his jackets and headed for the door. "Hey mom, i'm heading out to see how many of my friends are out here." "Ok, just be careful!" "Mom, can I go out?" "No, your too young." "Yea but Jason just turned thirteen, that doesn't mean he is completely responsible...hey, I even get better grades than him." "Yea, but it's an age thing hunny." "Fine." Amy then ran to her room upstairs and popped in one of her movie's to watch on her T.V.

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    The rest will be done tomorrow.​
     
    ...First of all, this needs a lot of description. You need to give the reader a proper idea of what is happening, and how does it look; make us, the readers, know more, see more. We enjoy good stories when we can visualize them.

    Description is crucial on the characters, too! You've got to provide a portraiture of the person we're meeting, introduce them to us by showing us their interests, appearance, and their surroundings. You can give the reader a lot more imagery by describing properly.

    You also need to separate the story in paragraphs. A paragraph is defined by a single concept; one idea. If you find out you're getting far from a single scheme, you'll know you have to start another paragraph, and so on. Otherwise, there would be easy to get lost through the words, you don't want that, you want clarity.

    You need to check grammar too. Other than that, I'm looking forward to read more.
     
    ok ok ok! ^w^

    first of all, ya need to separate your story into paragraphs. Cuz if you don't, us readers get really really confused and sometimes, we don't like reading a block o' words. And another thing is try to calm down on descrips that you don't need. like your first sentence was long and awkward and it didn't feel like a sentence cuz it just kept on going and the descrips are so simple, vague and so unecessary. Ya get what I mean? Check for spelling/grammar errors, too! I make em a lot sometimes, but if ya work your stuff on microsoft word, then you could find your mistakes there. I hope you take this advice! ^o^
     
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