[Pokémon] Yuki's Journey Part 1

[yuki3056]

Summary: Yuki is about to set out on his journey to become the greatest pokemon trainer in the world. His older brother is already a successful trainer, with him and Yuki's rivals and many other challenges along the way, will Yuki be able to conquer the pokemon world?

Yeah it's just another trainerfic but give it a chance? Also constructive criticism is not only welcome but highly, highly requested! Please, but like I said constructive.

Also this will be my first real attempt at a fanfiction so please be kind and helpful and go easy? Without further ado here it is chapter 1!
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CHAPTER 1

A clawed hand of Weavile was poking and prodding at the still lump on the bed, "WEAVILE!" "Five more minutes," Yuki grumbled sleepily. "WEAVILE!" The Weavile exclaimed as with all of it's might it flipped the mattress off the bed sending Yuki sprawling out on the floor. "WHAT THE HELL?!" Exclaimed the young boy. Weavile impatiently pointed to the clock with one claw. It was 10:00 A.M. and a Saturday as far as Yuki was concerned, He went to put the mattress back on the bed with all intentions of crawling back into it to go back to sleep. The Weavile slapped at Yuki's head, "What?!" Weavile again with an impatient gesture pointed at the calendar on the wall, the day was circled in bright red, "OH MY GOSH THANK YOU WEAVILE!" Today was no average Saturday for Yuki, for Yuki this Saturday would be the day he would travel out into the world to pursue his dream of becoming a Pokemon Master! He quickly ran his fingers through his constantly messy, shaggy brown hair as he walked to the bathroom. Passing his older brother's room on the way to get ready he poked his head in, "Hey bro tell that Weavile of yours I owe it!" His older brother just shook his head sighing, "I swear Yukster that Weavile spends more time with you than it does it's own trainer. Shame really considering it's my only ice type!" He said that last bit loudly presumably so that Weavile could hear him. "Well Bradster (his brothers real name was Bradford but had he ever called him that his brother would pummel him only his mother was allowed to call him Bradford. Everyone else called him Brad, except Yuki who used the –ster suffix with his brother, it was kinda there thing ya know?) if you spent a lot more time training than at home maybe your pokes would like you more huh?" Brad just sighed and threw a magazine at Yuki who ducked barely avoiding the projectile. "Well little bro you will see once you're out on the road it's nice to catch a break at home every once in a while!" Yuki just chuckled at this and then he said, "Well I need to get ready if I am gonna be at the lab by 11:00." Brad nodded his agreement, "So what pokemon do you think will be available at the lab this morning?" Yuki shrugged in response, "Hopefully a Sneasel!" Brad shook his head, "You know as well as I do it won't be one of the options." Yuki hung his head, "You know how badly I want a Sneasel though." Brad stood up and walked across his messy room towards Yuki and patted him on his back, "Don't worry little bro out there on your journey you will encounter a ton of pokemon and most likely you will run across a Sneasel sooner or later!" Yuki brightened up at this and dashed off down the hall and into the bathroom slamming the door shut as he did. Weavile came walking up to Brad and stopped to stand beside his trainer who was chuckling fondly staring in the direction his little brother had dashed off towards. "Ya know what buddy I think that kid will be one hell of a trainer!" Brad said looking down at Weavile. "WEAVILE!" Said the pokemon enthusiastically.

Stepping out of the shower Yuki stared into the mirror with his dull brown eyes. He looked like an average boy his age, messy brown hair, dull brown eyes (as he liked to say), slim yet muscular build, slightly shorter than average height. He sighed mentally comparing himself to Brad. Brad was 5 years older than Yuki, and to Yuki was the better person in every conceivable way. Brad was tall for his age had jet black spiky hair, shockingly blue eyes, he was very tan from all his traveling and training, he was muscular but not fat at all, and in school he had always made better grades than Yuki. Yuki wanted so badly to be the best pokemon trainer in the world but he knew that one day he would have to battle Brad to become that and in his heart he felt that he could never beat Brad at anything. Sighing heavily he began to get dressed. He pulled on his khaki cargo shorts and slid his plain black long sleeved shirt over his (as always) messy brown hair. Slipping on his plain white tennis shoes with black laces he went to leave his room. He dashed back to his desk to grab the black drawstring bag he almost forgot which held all the supplies he'd be needing on his journey. He thought to himself as he was descending the stairs to the dining room that he really should have enjoyed that shower more because it was going to be his last at home for a long time, or how he should have enjoyed sleeping in his bed more since he wouldn't be again for maybe months or even a year from now! He paused at the noticeably patched hole in the wall chuckling to himself as he remembered accidentally kicking the soccer ball so hard into it as he was playing with Brad so many years ago. "I am really gonna miss all of this" He said out loud to no one in particular. "Weavile!" Yuki jumped slightly as he turned to see Weavile beside him. "Oh I didn't hear you walk up buddy." "You will miss it bro more than you can ever imagine" Brad said from the top of the stairs looking down amiably at Yuki. "Yeah I am little nervous bro." Yuki replied, "That's to be expected little dude, I was too on the day I left home." Yuki stared at him in disbelief, "You can't be serious! You scared?" Brad laughed this off, "Yukster being scared isn't weakness. Courage is going on even when you are scared. And in my book courage is one of the greatest strengths any trainer has. So little dude what's it gonna be? Are you gonna go on scared but still go or are you gonna back out because of it?" Yuki pondered this for a brief moment, then shaking his head resolutely he proclaimed, "NO! I am going to go out in the world and become the best trainer in the world don't you forget it!" He said pointing at his older brother. A look of pride was evident on Brad's face, "Yes, yes you will be bro, and when you are I will be right there the proudest of them all."

 

[lionrt60]

He quickly ran his hair through his constantly messy, shaggy brown hair as he walked to the bathroom.

I assume you meant to say fingers?
Good luck with this thing btw ^^

 

[yuki3056]

I assume you meant to say fingers?
Good luck with this thing btw ^^

oh gosh thank you for pointing this out to me! lol my bad idk how that happened >.<

 

[Lily]

First off, please paragraph. ;-; Not only is it appropriate, but it makes it so much easier for your readers to actually read your story. Paragraph for new idea, and new dialogue.

A clawed hand of Weavile was poking and prodding at the still lump on the bed.

"WEAVILE!"

"Five more minutes," Yuki grumbled sleepily.

"WEAVILE!" The Weavile exclaimed as with all of it's might it flipped the mattress off the bed sending Yuki sprawling out on the floor.

Some quick grammar rules. After a dialogue that's connected to the speaker, the first letter is in lower case. Its is possessive, it's is 'it is.'

"WEAVILE!" the Weavile exclaimed as with all of its might it flipped the mattress off the bed sending Yuki sprawling out on the floor.

"WHAT THE HELL?!" exclaimed the young boy.

Next, you don't need capitalization to emphasize loudness. You're already doing that by exclamation marks and words such as 'exclaimed.'

Aside from the grammar/spelling nitpicking, you are right, so far it IS just another trainerfic. I'm not going to comment on whether or not that's bad since this is your first fanfiction, but even so, I would still advise you to keep it interesting. The bulk of your second paragraph is simply describing the characters. There's so much telling going on, it really dulls the story. >_<

https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/222652
https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/203490/page-2
<- visit these threads! They're immensely helpful, especially if you're new to fanfictions. Any writing programs will aid you, and beta readers can look over your story before you post them. It'll only help you.

I know at first, it's easiest to write a trainer fanfiction, but even those can be amazing if you put a bit of your own flair into it. There are so many fanfictions that start very typically - guy wakes up, writer describes guy's appearance and tells us about his troubles, guy starts on awesome journey. Ask yourself: how can I make my fanfiction different from that?

I wish you the best of luck. Remember to keep trying. *thumbs up*

 

[Astinus]

Lily covered the need for paragraphing. If your story was paragraphed properly, it would be so much easier to read. I wouldn't have kept losing my place.

Some other pieces of advice:

"Well Bradster (his brothers real name was Bradford but had he ever called him that his brother would pummel him only his mother was allowed to call him Bradford. Everyone else called him Brad, except Yuki who used the –ster suffix with his brother, it was kinda there thing ya know?) if you spent a lot more time training than at home maybe your pokes would like you more huh?"

Don't randomly place author's notes inside the story. If the information needs to be shared, then find a way to place it in the narration. If the information isn't necessary, then just cut it.

With your second paragraph, you shouldn't just list the descriptions of the characters. Include that in the narration. You did this with Yuki's hair, when you mentioned him running his fingers through it. If you work in the rest of the description like that, the readers will remember it more because it'll feel more alive.

What happened to their parents, by the way? Their mother was mentioned, but never given any real thought to. Remember that your character has probably spent ten years (at least) with his family. They're going to be important to how he is as a person.

Right now, this is just a standard beginning to a new trainer fic. I look forward to seeing your own take on this "classic" Pokemon fanfiction style. Just keep writing, listening to the advice given to you, and you'll definitely see your writing excel.

Hope this helps.

 

[yuki3056]

Lily covered the need for paragraphing. If your story was paragraphed properly, it would be so much easier to read. I wouldn't have kept losing my place.

Some other pieces of advice:


Don't randomly place author's notes inside the story. If the information needs to be shared, then find a way to place it in the narration. If the information isn't necessary, then just cut it.

With your second paragraph, you shouldn't just list the descriptions of the characters. Include that in the narration. You did this with Yuki's hair, when you mentioned him running his fingers through it. If you work in the rest of the description like that, the readers will remember it more because it'll feel more alive.

What happened to their parents, by the way? Their mother was mentioned, but never given any real thought to. Remember that your character has probably spent ten years (at least) with his family. They're going to be important to how he is as a person.

Right now, this is just a standard beginning to a new trainer fic. I look forward to seeing your own take on this "classic" Pokemon fanfiction style. Just keep writing, listening to the advice given to you, and you'll definitely see your writing excel.

Hope this helps.

His parents are in chapter 2. The thing about him calling bradster is how I talk as yuki btw I never explained that but that was yuki talking my bad >.<

 

[Misheard Whisper]

His parents are in chapter 2. The thing about him calling bradster is how I talk as yuki btw I never explained that but that was yuki talking my bad >.<

I think what Astinus is saying is more that putting this information in like this breaks up the flow of the story something awful. It seems quite casual and colloquial, and it makes it really hard to understand that particular piece of dialogue because I have to skip over a massive set of brackets to get to the rest of it. You could quite easily just place that information after the dialogue tag, like so:

"Well Bradster if you spent a lot more time training than at home maybe your pokes would like you more huh?" His brother's real name was Bradford, but his mother was the only one who called him that. His friends all knew him as Brad, and Yuki alone used the '-ster' suffix.

Or something to that effect.

On the whole, I agree with Astinus' review. The enter key is your friend, as are commas. On the whole, this fic is extremely difficult to read due to its lack of formatting. Start a new paragraph every time someone speaks or a new topic is introduced - this isn't a stylistic recommendation, it's a rule of English.

Also -

The thing about him calling bradster is how I talk as yuki btw I never explained that but that was yuki talking my bad >.<

If you're using a style of narration or dialogue that needs to be explained before a reader can understand it, you should probably avoid it. Especially if it's that intrusive.