[Pokémon] Zinthos region(rewritten)

[oshiottiz]

This story (which is totally fake) starts on route 401 and has five main characters; the other three will be seen later. The two most important characters are named Zane and Marceline. Those two will be able to choose from three starters. The first is seedle the second is embereasel and the third is dolphond. There are many new Pokémon to be discovered. The journey all begins like this.
One day in Tokron town two ten year old kids where walking back home from a movie.
Zane accidentally walked to close to the tall grass but then immediately a Digameer popped out of the ground.
"Ah!!"
Zane screamed.
Then professor Evergreen, one of Zane's friends, jumped out of the grass because he was studying a Pokémon and threw him a poke ball. He caught it. Then he threw it. A seed that looked like a shellder with a seed for a shell and the eyes of a kabuto came out.
"Seedle" the seed said.
Then the professor told him to say "use vine whip". He did. The Digameer then dug down deep in fear.
"Yes!!" Zane said.
Then Marceline came and picked up the seed and said "ooh I want it".
Then the prof. said "We'll just have to see what Zane says. Will you keep it or will you get a different one.
"I'll get another one" says Zane. Then the professor shows him a box with embereasel, a fire weasel, and Dolphond, a water dolphin.
Marceline saw the dolphin and said,
"I love seedle more than that dolphond, I'll take seedle."
"Perfect. I was going to give dolphond to Tyler, my son. I do hope you meet him, and take this pokedex. Fill it up with Pokémon and catch lots and lots," replied the professor.
The professor gave them both 10 poke balls. They thanked him. Marceline headed home.
"Where are you going?" asked Zane,
"No, never mind. I'll just go start my adventure without you!" he yelled back.
Zane walked to the gate in front of route 401.
"This is it, the start of my adventure," said Zane to himself. He looked at embereasel, who he had let out of its poke ball.
"Let's go!" he shouted and ran for route 401, and when he got there, he gasped.
To be continued…

I put in some more effort. I hope it is good enough. Please give me feedback to make it better.

 

[Sam89]

This is a lot better than the previous. I look forward to reading more, now that you're putting in more effort. Oh, and a suggestion, make a thread in the writer's lounge asking for feedback and advice, it really helped mine, Corey's adventure. Maybe an Ice dog evolution line would be nice.

 

[Nolafus]

This is a lot better than the previous. I look forward to reading more, now that you're putting in more effort. Oh, and a suggestion, make a thread in the writer's lounge asking for feedback and advice, it really helped mine, Corey's adventure. Maybe an Ice dog evolution line would be nice.

I'm going to go ahead and add more detail to this. You may post a passage in the "share your writing" thread and get feedback that way. You may NOT post a thread specifically to advertise your own story. If you're looking to get advice on how to describe things better, better character development, or things of that nature, you may post a thread asking people how they describe things and if they have any advice for newer writers.

I feel a little bad about this because you obviously put more effort into this, but I'm going to close this thread again. I'm going to enforce the 1,000 word rule per chapter here. Actually, it's going to be an official rule, not just a suggestion. If you're looking for ways to bump up your word count, try describing more. The story still jumps around a lot and it doesn't say which pokemon Zane takes. The reader instead has to infer it through process of elimination. If all else fails, continue with the plot until you have 1,000 words.

Another thing, the adventure is improbable. I mean, it seems odd that two kids walking back from a movie theater would be all set to go on a pokemon journey without even telling their parents where they're going. Try not to tell us everything about the characters. Don't tell us anything, show us. Show us that the kids are walking back from a movie. They're probably talking about it. Describe the new pokemon. I have no clue what Digameer looks like. Also, remember to press that "enter" button twice for dialogue. It helps keep the text nice and tidy without looking intimidating.

CLOSED

 

[Astinus]

Hey there! Since you made a second attempt to rewrite your story, I'm going to give you some pointers on how to improve. Your story actually reminds me a lot of what my first story attempts looked like.

I'm going to do a line-by-line review because that might be more helpful, and I find it easier.

One day in Tokron town two ten year old kids where walking back home from a movie.

My first suggestion will be to locate yourself a beta reader, which is someone that reads over your story before it's posted to catch any mistakes that you might miss. They'll help answer questions that you may have about your story.

Now to what I noticed, "town" should be capitalized when it's included in a location's name because it's a proper noun. Proper nouns are capitalized, so it would be "Tokron Town." Also, in this case "ten-year-old" is hyphenated because it's one description for the characters. And the "where" should be "were" because "were" is the verb and "where" is the...word for location.

Zane accidentally walked too close to the tall grass but then immediately a Digameer popped out of the ground.

This is one way to add more words to your chapter and not confuse readers: describe what the characters look like. When you're using Fakemon, readers don't know what exactly they look like. Through the narration, describe what Digameer looks like. It might look completely different from a giant mole with sunglasses like I'm imagining.

"Ah!!"
Zane screamed.

Attach that dialogue tag to the dialogue. A new paragraph is started when you change subjects or a character speaks, but dialogue tags can just be kept in the same paragraph as the dialogue.

Then professor Evergreen, one of Zane's friends, jumped out of the grass because he was studying a Pokémon and threw him a poke ball. He caught it. Then he threw it. A seed that looked like a shellder with a seed for a shell and the eyes of a kabuto came out.

To be honest, I had to read this a few times to figure out what happened. So Evergreen threw a Pokeball holding Seedle in it to Zane so he could fight the Digameer. Also, the description of Seedle could be a little more interesting if you mixed it in with some action. Like "the Pokemon clamped its seed shell together. When it saw it wasn't in immediate danger, it cracked its shell open and peered out with beady red eyes." Just something a little more exciting instead of just listing what the Pokemon looks like.

Then the professor told him to say "use vine whip". He did. The Digameer then dug down deep in fear.
"Yes!!" Zane said.

Pokemon battles are the most exciting things in Pokemon trainer fics. They're your main source of action and can get the reader excited. Add a lot more to the scene through narration. Don't rush through the battle. Have it be more like:

"Zane, tell it to use Vine Whip!" Evergreen yelled.

His heart pounding in his ears, Zane swallowed past the lump in his throat. "Use..." His voice came out like a squeak. Taking a deep breath, he tried again, "Vine Whip, Seedle!"

The Grass Pokemon chirped. Two thin vines shot out of its shell. Digameer yelped. It tore into the ground with its sharp claws and fled the battle.

Then Marceline came and picked up the seed and said, "Ooh I want it."

Wait. Who's Marceline? He seemed to disappear, and was never given a name in the narration. You want to give the reader all the necessary information in the story itself, instead of in a note before the actual story. By introducing Marceline in the story, you can have him interact with Zane, showing their friendship to the readers. This builds them as characters, making them more believable.

Then the professor said, "We'll just have to see what Zane says. Will you keep it or will you get a different one?"

"I'll get another one," says Zane. Then the professor shows him a box with Embereasel, a fire weasel, and Dolphond, a water dolphin.

Wait. Are the Pokemon inside the box outside of their Pokeballs? Or are they in the Pokeballs and the professor lets them out so the boys can see them? Also, how could Zane and Marceline not know about the starter Pokemon of their region?

Marceline saw the dolphin and said, "I love Seedle more than that Dolphond, I'll take Seedle."

Since their species names are being used as their actual names, you still capitalize them.

"Perfect. I was going to give Dolphond to Tyler, my son. I do hope you meet him, and take this pokedex. Fill it up with Pokémon and catch lots and lots," replied the professor.

So why did Evergreen offer Dolphond to the other boys if he was going to give it to Tyler? Why didn't he just not offer them Dolphond, saying that someone already took it? It was pretty lucky/convenient that neither Zane nor Marceline wanted Dolphond.

Marceline headed home.
"Where are you going?" asked Zane,
"No, never mind. I'll just go start my adventure without you!" he yelled back.
Zane walked to the gate in front of Route 401.

Why aren't they going home? Before leaving on a journey, I'd think that two boys would want to say good-bye to their parents or at least make sure that they have enough supplies in order to survive in the wild. At the very least they should have a sleeping bag, jacket, and money to buy medicine, food, and hotel space.

He looked at Embereasel, who he had let out of its poke ball.

It's not a bad start. It's just rushed, which I can understand. You're ready to get Zane out into the exciting world of your original region, and who wants to deal with the small details of how he gets out there? Still, in order to not confuse your reader (especially when dealing with Fakemon), you want to take your time and describe things. Not just what the characters look like, but also how they're feeling and what they do. It makes the world richer for the readers and more believable.

Speaking of a more believable story, there are a few questions that might be taken as suggestions? First off, why not have Marceline handle the Digameer so that when he chooses Seedle, it's a stronger choice? It will start off their bond better. Maybe have Evergreen throw Embereasel's Pokeball to Zane, and Digameer almost overpowers the fire weasel until Marceline demands for another Pokeball and Evergreen gives him Seedle to help? It's kind of like the opening of Diamond/Pearl/Platinum, but it might work better because the boys really aren't making their own choice over who their starting Pokemon is. They only have two options.

Also, to make Evergreen come off less like a stalker, you can switch around the order of the story (where the kids get their Pokemon then get attacked by Digameer) or have it so that the Digameer is some test for the kids to show that they're ready to be trainers. Otherwise, it's just kind of strange that Evergreen is studying a Pokemon at the exact same location that Zane and Marceline get attacked by a Pokemon, and Evergreen just happens to have the three starters with him.

And have the kids return home. It'll help build their characters and give them a chance to gather some supplies so it's more believable that these kids can survive in the wild.

If you have any more questions or anything, don't hesitate to leave me a VM/PM! I'm here to help. Good luck!