Why are Chinese Parents Superior

[Hassan_Abdillah]

check this out

Very interesting and mildly funny read. Also thought-provoking, because I feel we all can relate to this to an extent i.e. did or did not our parents meet this "chinese parents" profile, if so then to what extent etc.

Now as it appears to me, the author thinks the main defining difference between the western parent and the chinese one is:

The western parent is always worried about the self-esteem of their child. This over-protectiveness about the child's self esteem kind of **pushes** the child into not trying too hard, or worse yet, giving up. The parent too try to convince themselves that their child getting a B is the result of the best performance of their child.

The chinese parent on the other hand believes that his/her child is able to topple mountains without breaking a sweat. This feeling of the parent makes her realize that when her child gets a B, which the child never gets by the way (wording not mine), it is only because the child didnt try hard enough, otherwise it wouldve been a piece of cake. She does this not to damage the self-esteem of the child, rather the child, when s/he hears the disparaging comments about him/her from her parents, only realizes how highly him/her parents think about him/her, so this actually drives him/her into the battlefield with renewed vigour.

If I could share my story in a nutshell, Im an Asian, but not a Chinese, a South Asian rather. Did my mother raise me this way? Well she did, to an extent. I remember her doing exactly what this chinese mother portrays. Up until sixth grade at least. Thats when I first rebelled. Apparently my mother didnt have the courage to ignore my rebel and press on, she got flustered and from this moment, the "parental grip" so to say upon me started slackening. It kept slackening as I kept getting more older (and perhaps less mature). I say the parenthetical comment because this void of control over me was filled by peer pressure. This led me to having a girlfriend, which is looked down upon in these parts by the way, in eighth grade, behind my parents backs of course. This peer pressure control didnt change me for the better at all. Not only did my grades kept falling, but I started growing more and more immature.

When I entered 12th grade however, I got into good company **praise God**, and started practising religion*. So I started cleaning up my act: this dual-force of good started pulling me back on track, slowly but surely. But that is an altogether different discussion.

So the children of the chinese parents in the article excelled at everything, but I raised pretty much the same way up until 6th grade didnt really have any long-term benefit out of it. The only explanation I have for it is parents dont make it crystal-clear that scolding her child is only meant for their betterment, and not to punish them. So the child interprets these scoldings and parental grip as something negative, he doesnt realize that this actually shows how highly the parents think of themselves, but misconstrues this only to mean "my parents are evil". So the problem, I feel, is lackings on both parties, the parents dont make their intentions clear, and the child (in this case, me) is too much of a dumb-a$$ to realize it. I do not often use profanity, but as Im writing this I am embarassed to view the loser as I used to be, in retrospect of course.

*this is not meant to advertise any religion, if anyone is suspicious, by the way. I am just stating the reality. I happen to know people who turned good after they shed their affiliations with this or that religion. So please do not read into the above stuff that aint there.

 

[インフェルノの津波]

Old news to me, and I wish I was raised like that instead of American ways.

But is it of any surprise to anyone? I mean look at history, people. These were the same people who were acceling the Europeans in everyway, before and after the Dark Ages! They're the reason why some stuff we have even exists, since they try so hard.

However, while I think this is a good way to raise some kids, some parents can't do it right, which is how you get parents on the news saying they pushed them too hard.

Some people say it's not important to push your children. Oh sure, go ahead and let them be floaters for the rest of their lives, probably confused and can't do to many things because of their lazy parents. Look. Sometimes, it's better to push your children and have them reach their fullest potential as a human being than not push them at all. I for one wished I was pushed.

 

[Captain Fabio]

Let me put it this way, I would rather push my child in his/her earlier and teenage years so they can have a better future than let them just do what the hell they want.

 

[jasonresno]

Because they don't let these be the keystones of their childrens life:

 

[Captain Fabio]

Because they don't let these be the keystones of their childrens life:

Spoiler:

Spoiler:

I agree to an extent.

I mean, it isn't like if you exclude these from a childs life they will be the perfect child, but a good parent will delegate how much the child is exposed to. For me, my parents brought me up well.
They allowed me to play on my consoles, watch TV and have my own chilling out time, but they also made sure I worked.​

​

 

[mondays suck]

This is somehow both extremely ridiculous and extremely sad.
The way described in the text sure might be a way to forcefully make children successful, but at what cost? The way I see it, these children are tried to be made into machines. Machines that do nothing but working, be it for school grades, instruments or for money, in their entire life, but apart from that, there is nothing. People 'successfully' raised like this might become rich, famous or whatever, but they certainly won't be happy in their entire life. And in the end, surplus money or violin skills will not save them from dying, and they will die having lived a very one-sided life.
I'm not trying to defend the other extreme with these words, the nowadays so common laisser faire attitude, which, of course, doesn't get anyone anywhere. No, in my opinion it's just like in politics, the middle of the road has to be found. Having one's child doing well at school is certainly a good objective to pursuit, but does it really require these ridiculous restrictions? While it will require some, far less harsher ones, no. Having a child learn playing piano and violin during all the time it doesn't need for school, just in case it is talented so it might become a successful classical musician later on? Yeah, totally necessary.
Well, this is all I can think of right now. Agree with me or not. In the latter case, I'd appreciate some rage very much. I like rage.

 

[Livewire]

Let's avoid labeling other cultures as "Superior", seeing as it's rather ethnocentric, arrogant, and a bit generalized. Remember there are significant cultural differences that play into education and the emphasis placed on it by parents. I expected a bit better of a Yale Professor, to be honest.

 

[I Laugh at your Misfortune!]

Did anybody else read the anecdote about teching Lulu to play the piano and think that the parent was being a little, er, insane? This is like what modays suck said - success is great and all but when you won't let your own child pause from practising piano to get a glass of water or go to the bathroom, YOU HAVE A PROBLEM.

 

[Griffinbane]

Chinese kid born to Chinese parents and this is accurate in my household and most of my family's and Asian friends. It worked...on my cousins and my friends. It backfired on me and my brother. My brother passed school with a D only because he appeared...in school, not necessarily in class. Me, I just couldn't grip math and my grades in math was a huge failure ever since 8th grade. He became verbally abusive, arrogant and resistant. I became antisocial, resistant and fought back whenever they laid a hand on me. My brother's out of the household with his own family now, unfortunately for him, my parents have his address and phone number. I'm still living at home, in college plodding along, failing math-type courses left, right, and center because it takes me more than 1 try to pass the class, despite tutoring. Too bad I'm a science major. Planning on eventually moving out and changing my cell number as soon as possible. Oddly enough, I was never allowed to play a musical instrument.

There's definitely cultural influences in play here. The parents were raised this way, therefore the kids are raised this way. China has one of the biggest suicide rates among teens and young adults. Can you figure out why? I donno if they ever compared suicide rates between different races here in the US...but it probably reflects the rates in China. No matter how you look at it, suicide among non-Asians will always be higher in the US than among Asians, but that's only due to population differences. When this child-rearing style backfires, it REALLY backfires.

 

[Kura]

I personally think we need a balance of both the western AND eastern parental point of view influencing a single child.

 

[Waffle-San]

I will withold all urges to spend my next two hours writing a reply and say this: no.

(I'll elaborate a little)

I can see the "Asian parenting style" have more success in actual Asian cultures but when their children are growing up surrounded by North American culture it becomes very easy for this to back fire, as people have attested to above.

The main problem with asian parenting that I find, is that it destroys social skills. No thats not true, it hampers their childrens social development. Their children often fall behind in communication skills and thought processing skills (English class if you wish from a school perspective). The other problem is that parenting, in a way, must always be adapted to the child; asian parents tend to be very rigid, so if their child stays within their tight boundries all is good, but if they start to rebel out they easily lose their child altogether as they do not have the ability to adapt their parenting.

Final problem I see is that kids become alienated from the more "family" aspects of being in a family. I.e. Eating dinners together, or the ability to feel supported in their decisions in life. This of course isn't only an asian thing but shows up abundantly in asian culture. This can cause two results either a) the child latches on to their parents for attention and become easily torn when they need to go outside their parents way. This also allows their parents to mistreat them, and not be held accountable. Or b) the child decides they want nothing to do with their family and furthers the distance already set in place. I'm using my girlfriend and her brother as examples.

Asian parenting could easily keep their expectations and strong motivation while adearing to their childrens personal and emotional needs more. That in the same way that many "white" parents could push their kids more and limit their xbox time. (So basically what Kura said above me)

(I kept that as short as I could)

 

[Hassan_Abdillah]

er-hem...

Let's avoid labeling other cultures as "Superior", seeing as it's rather ethnocentric, arrogant, and a bit generalized. Remember there are significant cultural differences that play into education and the emphasis placed on it by parents. I expected a bit better of a Yale Professor, to be honest.

Not to make a big deal out of this, I believe that was done to retain the funny feel about that article. To say the title borders on being ethnocentric would require quite a bit of interpretation, Id say.

I personally think we need a balance of both the western AND eastern parental point of view influencing a single child.

hear, here.

 

[Waffle-San]

Not to make a big deal out of this, I believe that was done to retain the funny feel about that article. To say the title borders on being ethnocentric would require quite a bit of interpretation, Id say.

Funny? Sorry you're definately right when you say it's a matter of interpretation. I found the article to be disgusting and nearly vomit inducing.

Edit: It's not a joke...https://www.amazon.com/Battle-Hymn-...2842/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1294638296&sr=8-1

 

[Charliezard]

Just because the article isn't a joke doesn't mean it's not funny. Some people are so stupid you HAVE to laugh... Or you'll go insane.
Personally, I think it'd be obvious that a balanced lifestyle where a child is made to believe they can achieve anything they WANT to and are also encouraged to do what they enjoy so they can know what they want to do.

 

[Rich Boy Rob]

This is just... I have no words for how horrible that is. She should be fined for neglect! I mean seriously, she took away toys, food and water away from her 7 year old child because she had trouble playing a song!
You can't not allow your child to watch tv or play with their friends!
I also find it very wrong that she said she thinks that her children are permanently indebted to her for her being their mother. That's almost like saying guests in my house should do everything for me because I let them in.

 

[Meduza]

I disagee with some of the choises these parents are making.

These are the following things Chinese children are not allowed to do.

• attend a sleepover (What's wrong with this? They're not going to become rebels after one little sleepover)
• have a playdate (That's just wrong. You hsouldn't keep them from playdates if they want one.)
• be in a school play (Again,what's wrong with this? It could be very educational)
• complain about not being in a school play (Freedom of speech?)
• watch TV or play computer games (Okay I agee to an extent. I'm sure time limits would be helpful)
• choose their own extracurricular activities (How in the world can they have ANY fun if they can't even choose their own activities? That shouldn't be the parents choice.)
• get any grade less than an A ( So what, one little B and/or C ruins it? Be at least a LITTLE more leniant.)
• not be the No. 1 student in every subject except gym and drama ( I'd hate to see what would happen if there were two different children in a class living by this rule <.< They should aim high, but not for perfection)
• play any instrument other than the piano or violin ( Are saxophones and guitars are evil?)
• not play the piano or violin. (Oh, god forbid that one. What would happen to them if they didn't play specific instruments )

And read this after I looked into the article more:

If a Chinese child gets a B—which would never happen—there would first be a screaming, hair-tearing explosion. The devastated Chinese mother would then get dozens, maybe hundreds of practice tests and work through them with her child for as long as it takes to get the grade up to an A.

 

[Griffinbane]

Actually, the article needs a correction. The devastated Chinese mother would first beat the crap out of their kids and scream at them, THEN get hundreds of practice tests and force their kids to do it. American-born Chinese mothers are actually quite a bit more lenient.

 

[Hassan_Abdillah]

I disagee with some of the choises these parents are making.

What can you do love. Everyones entitled to their opinion remember? Also, the chinese mother pictured in the article has her own rationale for doing what she does. At the end of the day (according to her) the children are gonna look back and think "good thing we were brought up the way we were."

As for being in a school play/choosing the co-curricular activities of their choice, I think Im gonna side with the chinese mother, albeit to a certain extent. I say this because I took up Debating and Public Speech in my school and guess what. It ruined my academic performance. This is something I gotta pay for to this day. Im not generalizing or anything, just saying theres a possibility that without parental interference in this section, children might choose stuff which might be potentially harmful for them, in either the long or the short or both runs.

Dont get me wrong here though. I am not 100% for the Chinese mom. I think the middle path between both choices need to be taken.

I also find it very wrong that she said she thinks that her children are permanently indebted to her for her being their mother. That's almost like saying guests in my house should do everything for me because I let them in.

Here I strongly strongly strongly disagree with you and with all that I have side with the Chinese mother. I sincerely believe that I as a son am infinitely indebted to my parents, especially my mother. Responsibility to someone isnt something you pick and choose, it is something alotted to you as soon as you are put in a certain position. I in my position (being the son) am responsible for every right that my mother might expect from me. By this I do not mean that she gets to decide my life choices etc., but what she says has a very very strong factor in my decisions. Pretty much throughout my life.

Fact: A mother's loan can never really be repayed.

Funny? Sorry you're definately right when you say it's a matter of interpretation. I found the article to be disgusting and nearly vomit inducing.

Oh dont kid yourself, how can you NOT find the following funny????

Chinese mothers can say to their daughters, "Hey fatty—lose some weight." By contrast, Western parents have to tiptoe around the issue, talking in terms of "health" and never ever mentioning the f-word, and their kids still end up in therapy for eating disorders and negative self-image.

Also, there are other stuff in the article other than just pressurizing the kids beyond measure, am I the only one to notice that? :S I mean its not the practise which is the difference between the western and the chinese parents, but its the whole concept i.e. how they look at the issue of child upbringing. However most people here got too caught up in the piano story only to overlook the conceptual points that Dr Chua arises.

 

[Captain Fabio]

Look, bottom line is everything is different in the world.

That has been their methord of growing up for many, many years. Who are you to say it is wrong? Just because we have been brought up in a more friendly location where our parents are more of our friends who push us in the right direction, rather than parents who push us to be great.
I am not saying you can't have a parent who is both of them, but it works for those Chinese parents.

If you grew up in those conditions, you would like it was normal and wouldn't think twice about it.​

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[Esper]

There's no one-size-fits-all parenting style because every kid is going to be different. I think this so-called Chinese parenting style is rather strict and while it can be very helpful for the kids who want to become physicists it won't be nearly as beneficial (and could be detrimental) to kids who want to be artists.

If you grew up in those conditions, you would like it was normal and wouldn't think twice about it.​

Very true. A friend of mine (American born Chinese) is not at all the successful nuclear physicist/piano virtuoso type nor did she ever want to be. She wanted to do art, but her parents resisted. As much as I have some trouble understanding how she can feel how she does, she still feels grateful to her parents and all that, even though they tried to stop her from doing something she was passionate about. But then, she's the kind of person who looks on the bright side of things. I don't know how someone else would feel in her place.