you're getting better! it's a big improvement!!
it looks like you're still having a bit of trouble with your past and present tense -- i'd also ask if you could be a bit more descriptive, especially during dialogue. you seem to cut off the dialogue before you describe how they say something. i mentioned that in my initial feedback.
for instance -- saying hello can mean different things depending on tone. for instance
"Hello," she said, a smile on her face.
"Hello," she said forcefully.
You can also describe what people are doing while they are talking.
"Hello." She scratched her face, forcing a smile. "How are you doing?"
do you see what i mean? :)
it looks like you're still having a bit of trouble with your past and present tense -- i'd also ask if you could be a bit more descriptive, especially during dialogue. you seem to cut off the dialogue before you describe how they say something. i mentioned that in my initial feedback.
for instance -- saying hello can mean different things depending on tone. for instance
"Hello," she said, a smile on her face.
"Hello," she said forcefully.
You can also describe what people are doing while they are talking.
"Hello." She scratched her face, forcing a smile. "How are you doing?"
do you see what i mean? :)