[Pokémon] Best Laid Plans [PG-13]

The brown haired man placed a hand against the bald spot just above his forehead, letting loose a small sigh. "Joseph, I appreciate your enthusiasm, I really do, but can you please call me back later? I'm in the middle of some important research."

Joseph spoke in an excited tone of voice. "But, Elm, this is worth it. Trust me."

"...Just get it over with," Elm muttered.

"It's real this time. A sonogram showed life inside: and nothing we have ever seen before."

"Are you sure?" Elm asked. "Perhaps you just didn't recognize the Pokemon. It's not like we can all know every Pokemon off of memory."

"Elm, trust me. I looked at all six hundred and fifteen species: it took me a while, yes, but I can positively identify that this is not a known Pokemon!"

"Then I'll send someone over for it. I'll make the phone call in a moment: but I've got to go to do it. I'll speak more about this later, Joseph. Bye."

Elm sighed, and put the phone into the receiver without bothering to give Joseph a chance to respond. He then picked it back up and began to dial the number of the Avrich house.



"Mommm..." the boy whispered, gently batting at the arm that shook him. "I-... I dun wanna go 'ta school today. I wanna stay home 'n' bake cookies with youuuuu... ZzZz..."

The shaking gradually got more violent, until Christopher Avrich rolled over and slipped his legs out of the bed, hitting the ground with a soft and lazy thud.

"We can bake cookies later, dear," his mother said, her tone echoing obvious annoyance. "When Professor Elm isn't asking for you."

"Elm's askin' fer me?" Chris asked, suddenly waking up a bit. It was an oddity. Sure, he usually accepted Chris when he went over to volunteer as a lab assistant, but never had he been summoned there. He sighed and stretched, letting a loud yawn loose.

"Yes," his mother said. "Now, get dressed and hurry over there. He said it was somewhat urgent."

Chris nodded slowly. "Then it might help if ya leave the room, 'cuz I sure as hell ain't getting undressed with you watchin', mom."

His mother nodded, glaring daggers at him. He grinned in response.



Elm examined his notes one more time, from the title down:



It was then he heard the knock on his door, a light rap. He nodded toward Ian, who looked up from his own papers toward the door.

"Answer it, it's probably Chris," he said.

Ian, the faithful lab assistant he was, nodded back and set down his papers, before walking toward the door.

Elm looked back down at the notes, and examined a few more lines, before a familiar voice rang through his ears. He grinned, set down the small stack of paper, and walked toward the lab's entrance, hands in his pockets.

"It's nice to see you, Chris," Elm said.

The boy was dressed in his usual attire: not much different from what Elm expected, otherwise he would have informed his mother on the phone to make him wear it anyway. He was not dressed for official matters, but this was good: business wear on a non-business trip was usually pretty problematic.

Chris slipped a hand beneath the rim of his hat, black with an orange arch-shape on the front, and flipped it around on his head so he could see better. He slid that hand back into the pocket of his red hoody, and nodded toward Professor Elm.

"Yo, Elm! What's up?"

"I see you're energetic this morning," Elm said.

Chris allowed himself a grin and nodded. "Surprisingly so, considering I'm up at nine-thirty A.M."

"You don't get up as early usually?" Elm asked.

"Nope. Usually asleep 'till a nice, healthy... say, one or two o'clock."

Elm sighed, allowing his palm to slap against his face and slide on down, as if the friction of the action would erase all his woes. "You know, it's not healthy for a growing body- heck, it's not healthy for ANY body to get out of the natural human cycle. We are not nocturnal, Chris - we sleep through the night and wake up in the morning."

Chris's grin disappeared, and he closed his eyes, shaking his head.

"I didn't come here to be lectured, Professor," he said. "Let's get to the pointttt..."

Elm nodded. "Fine, fine, we'll discuss your sleeping habits later. First, follow me."

The two of them headed to the back of the lab, where Elm stopped the two of them in front of a computer. He clicked around a bit, typed in a few commands, and then pressed a single key with fleurish. He turned around, hiding the computer from sight.

"Alright, Chris. First thing's first," he said. "You know I've never -asked- for you to come here. But I need a favor from you. It's not urgent, but I feel like it'd be best to get it over and done with."

Chris nodded. "Alright?"

"I have an acquaintance north of Cherrygrove City named Joseph Estar. Of course, he prefers to be known in the world of business as 'Mr. Pokemon'."

"Whoa, Mr. Pokemon? Isn't he like, the second most eccentric researcher out there?" Chris asked.

"...And who's the most eccentric?" Elm retorted.

"Pretty sure it's Professor Birch of Hoenn."

"...Oh, I thought you were going to call me-"

"You?" Chris said, practically biting his tongue to stifle a laugh. "You're boring."

Elm flushed a deep red. "...S-shut up, Chris, let's keep going. Joseph discovered an egg he claims to be an unknown Pokemon. He wants the Elm Laboratory to come down and retrieve it."

Chris nodded in understanding. "Sounds pretty interesting: but unknown? Is he sure?"

"He sounds sure," Elm responded. "But I feel like it's probably a misunderstanding. Which is why, no offense meant to you, I want you to be the one to go and do it so my understaffed lab - consisting of a grand total of two people, excluding the occasional volunteer - doesn't waste time and resources."

Chris's face flushed a deep red. He was worrying almost immediately, Elm could tell, and thus stepped aside to reveal what now sat on his computer desk.

"I can read you like a book, Chris," Elm said with a grin. "I know you're worried about safety, since you don't have your own Pokemon. That's why one of these can be yours."

Chris stood, jaw about to crash through the floor.

"Take your pick. These are all, interestingly enough, gifts from Professor Birch of Hoenn except for one of them. Apparently a trainer who he supported gave them to him."

On the desk, there were three Pokeballs.

Professor Elm picked up the Pokeball in the middle. "First of all, let me introduce you to the one that's native of Johto... well, the entire Indigo Country, but you know." The Professor pressed his thumb against a silver, metallic button in the center of the ball. It puffed into a bigger size in his hand, then burst open. He had to keep a firm grip on the ball in order to prevent dropping it.

A blast of white light burst out from the ball, and materialized into a small pink Pokemon, quadrupedal with a tail waving around behind it. Its tail was tipped in white, while its muzzle was a creamy tan.

"This here is Slowpoke: Referred to by many as 'the dopey Pokemon'. It's a little dopey, yes, but it's a lot more skilled in battle than most people think. It does not feel pain for a long while after an injury, and this can be an advantageous thing. A good partner for protection, but not the best company in the world."

Elm turned around and picked up the Pokeball to the right. "Here's our second, located here in Johto as well but is actually quite findable in Hoenn due to a recent discovery - hence why I didn't say it's a native... we actually don't know where they originated from, now. Birch's supported trainer found them, and caught a few: this here is a baby, so be careful not to make any sudden movements, otherwise you'll frighten it."

He pressed the release switch, and the flash of light occurred, materializing into a Pokemon that he was sure Chris recognized, as they were often used as a villain's Pokemon in horror movies (though it was a common misconception: if treated right, these little guys were loyal).

It was small as well, with black fur clinging tightly to its skin. A bit of protective cartilage over its head looked like a skull mask, and two stripes of cartilage on its back were also present. Its belly and muzzle lacked its fur, revealing its real skin color: a light, golden brown.

"This here is called a Houndour. They are commonly seen as dark, and while they can be dangerous, they are very loyal if domesticated and would not hurt a fly unless told to by the person they trust. It's called the 'Dark Pokemon', and as I just said, it's a misconception. It conveys its feeling using different cries: some people have actually managed to interpret these, and basically be able to communicate with their Houndour."

Elm turned around and picked up the last Pokeball on the desk. "And, finally, your last choice is the one that isn't found in Johto or Kanto, and very rarely even in Sinnoh. It's a Pokemon sent to me for later study, but I suppose I can just ask for another to be sent if you pick it."

He pressed the release switch, the flash of light occurred, and the light materialized into a Pokemon shaped into half an orb. It was a light shade of yellow, with green dots scattered across it skin. It walked forward and sat next to the other two Pokemon, momentarily revealing a green underside.

"This one," Elm proclaimed. "Is called Shroomish. They live in damp, dark forests, hence why they're not here in Johto. If it senses danger, it scatters spores from the top of its head, a multitude of types that can cause a multitude of problems: such as poisoning, paralysis, and unconsciousness. Poisoning is the most painful..."

Elm recalled the time he got an accidental inhalation of Shroomish poison spores. He was in bed for a week, and took another week to recover, all of it spent in total misery.

"So, Chris - What's your pick?"

Chris stood there for quite a few moments in utter silence. Elm saw his eyes darting from Pokemon to Pokemon, examining each carefully.



Meanwhile, just outside the lab, unknown to Elm, Chris or Ian, a pair of eyes was watching them. They were a bright blue, but despite the traditionally soothing color, they had an odd malice to their feel. These eyes were joined by a second pair, these as black as night itself.

"Sneasel," the boy said. "I suppose we'll be taking one of those Pokemon, too."

The Pokemon nodded, the red feather adorned on its head shaking a slight bit.

This was a nice beginning I thought - interesting and slightly different take on the GSC/HGSS beginning I thought. I do approve of changing it so it's a different Pokemon that is supposedly undiscovered as opposed to 'first time a Pokemon egg has ever been discovered' which was always less convincing to me in the games. Chris is a nice character too - his personality is intriguing and you have developed him well thus far I feel - and he has some amusing lines as well. XD Elm is also done well I feel, and you introduced what the look like, along with the Pokemon, decently too - no infodumps as such and I know what they look like too.

Silver being in this fic (manga Silver I take it given he has a Sneasel at the beginning?) also interests me, as he's one of my favourite characters as well. XD I look forward to seeing him get his Pokemon (and given the whole type-advantage deal I half-expect it to be Houndour, which would be pretty fitting for him in fact).

The brown haired man

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brown-haired man here - hyphenate brown and haired in other words.

I'm in the middle of some important research."
Joseph spoke in an excited tone of voice. "But, Elm, this is worth it. Trust me."

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Enter should be hit again in-between these two lines - there's also the time when the Tohjo Falls bit appears that I feel it could also be spaced a little more away from the rest by another line/enter key press.

"I-... I dun wanna go 'ta school today. I wanna stay home 'n' bake cookies with youuuuu... ZzZz..."

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To be honest I do not blame him there at all. XD

"We can bake cookies later, dear," his mother said, her tone one echoing obvious annoyance.

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The latter part, although it made sense upon reading slower and all, did sound a bit odd to me initially - I feel it could be better worded (maybe removing 'one' even would improve it as it doesn't feel to be necessary, to me anyway).

He was not dressed for business, but this was good - because although this was official business, business wear on a trip like the one Chris would (hopefully) be taking, would mean extreme inconvenience.

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'Business' three times in the same sentence is too repetitive - I suggest replacing one or two and/or rewording. Also the comma after 'taking' does not appear to be necessary and creates an unneeded pause there.

"... And who's the most eccentric?" Elm retorted.

"Pretty sure it's Professor Birch of Hoenn."

"... Oh, I thought you were going to call me-"

"You?" Chris said, practically biting his tongue to stifle a laugh. "You're boring."

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I don't believe there is a need for a space in-between the ellipse and the words there (e.g. ...And over ... And), but the main thing is being consistent - for instance later on:

"...mish," Bosca replied timidly.

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There was no space. But the exchange between Elm and Chris there certainly made me laugh. XD

"... S-shut up, Chris, let's keep going. Joseph discovered an egg he claims to be an unknown Pokemon.
He wants the Elm Laboratory to come down and retrieve it."

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It seems here that enter was pressed in-between the sentences here by accident - just a presentation thing but you might as well fix that up.

Elm recalled the time he got an accidental inhalation of Shroomish poison spores.

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Sounds painful. >_< However I do question slightly why he decided to go with Shroomish given this was the only Pokemon mentioned in which he had a bad experience with, so it did strike me as odd for him to choose this one. I did like how you explained the Pokemon choices there Elm had though, as well as the additional pieces of information he gave with it as well.
Overall I thought this was a solid beginning - bar the minor mistakes there's no issues I see there in terms of description or pacing and so forth. Good luck with this story!

bobandbill said:

This was a nice beginning I thought - interesting and slightly different take on the GSC/HGSS beginning I thought. I do approve of changing it so it's a different Pokemon that is supposedly undiscovered as opposed to 'first time a Pokemon egg has ever been discovered' which was always less convincing to me in the games.

Interestingly enough, the first time I wrote this, I used the "first time a Pokemon egg has ever been discovered" plot. I was considering using it again, but decided against it. Yay, good judgement!

Chris is a nice character too - his personality is intriguing and you have developed him well thus far I feel - and he has some amusing lines as well. XD Elm is also done well I feel, and you introduced what the look like, along with the Pokemon, decently too - no infodumps as such and I know what they look like too.

I'm glad you're pleased. =p

Silver being in this fic (manga Silver I take it given he has a Sneasel at the beginning?) also interests me, as he's one of my favourite characters as well. XD I look forward to seeing him get his Pokemon (and given the whole type-advantage deal I half-expect it to be Houndour, which would be pretty fitting for him in fact).

Silver? Who's Silver? I don't know any Silver. (hint, hint)

brown-haired man here - hyphenate brown and haired in other words.
Enter should be hit again in-between these two lines - there's also the time when the Tohjo Falls bit appears that I feel it could also be spaced a little more away from the rest by another line/enter key press.
To be honest I do not blame him there at all. XD

Right'o! I'll get right to hyphenatin' it right after I reply to ya.

The latter part, although it made sense upon reading slower and all, did sound a bit odd to me initially - I feel it could be better worded (maybe removing 'one' even would improve it as it doesn't feel to be necessary, to me anyway).

Upon reexamining the part, I agree. I'll remove the "one".


'Business' three times in the same sentence is too repetitive - I suggest replacing one or two and/or rewording. Also the comma after 'taking' does not appear to be necessary and creates an unneeded pause there.
I don't believe there is a need for a space in-between the ellipse and the words there (e.g. ...And over ... And), but the main thing is being consistent - for instance later on:

Holy crap, I can't believe how bad that sentence sounded. I'll fix it: as for the elipses, right.

There was no space. But the exchange between Elm and Chris there certainly made me laugh. XD


It seems here that enter was pressed in-between the sentences here by accident - just a presentation thing but you might as well fix that up.

Oh crap. Will do.

Sounds painful. >_< However I do question slightly why he decided to go with Shroomish given this was the only Pokemon mentioned in which he had a bad experience with, so it did strike me as odd for him to choose this one. I did like how you explained the Pokemon choices there Elm had though, as well as the additional pieces of information he gave with it as well.

Thank you!

Overall I thought this was a solid beginning - bar the minor mistakes there's no issues I see there in terms of description or pacing and so forth. Good luck with this story!

And thank you again!

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Wow, the author of one of my favorite Pokemon fanfictions out there reviewing my story. XD It's odd, but it almost feels like an honor. Thanks for the review.

I'll start this review with my favorite part n the story.

"Whoa, Mr. Pokemon? Isn't he like, the second most eccentric researcher out there?" Chris asked.

"...And who's the most eccentric?" Elm retorted.

"Pretty sure it's Professor Birch of Hoenn."

"...Oh, I thought you were going to call me-"

"You?" Chris said, practically biting his tongue to stifle a laugh. "You're boring."

Elm flushed a deep red. "...S-shut up, Chris, let's keep going. Joseph discovered an egg he claims to be an unknown Pokemon. He wants the Elm Laboratory to come down and retrieve it."

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*snorts* Poor, Elm.

Anyways, off to a good start. I too thought you did Chris nicely there already, him acting his age. Love the Bosca naming comment. Oh, and I'm already loving your take on Elm. *points to the quote I posted earlier* :P

Also, very interesting you went with the different starts route and the reason for that is Elm researching them.

I guess the only thing I'm wondering is why Chris didn't leave for a Pokemon journey and it seems he will for this story. In the games it's the norm that ten/eleven year olds leave for their journey and I'm usually iffy over stories with teenagers starting their trainer journeys later than usual without good reason. I assumed he decided to be a volunteer lab assistant instead of starting on a journey.(and maybe thought that's one of the ways he'll have a chance to keep staying up late? :P ).

Anyways, I'm interested in this story, so looking forward to more of it!

Oh, this was a treat. A original trainer fic with some personality to it is always a favorite of mine. Your writing style was easy to read, making the story flow. It didn't read in a formal manner, but had a more casual style to it. Because of this, the characters themselves were more fun to read and learn about. Chris acts like a teenager. You conveyed his relationship with both his mother and Elm well in a short amount of time.

I also like your choices of new starter Pokemon. Not only did you keep a triangle of type advantages, but you also kept them with the same evolution amounts. Each can evolve once, which connects the three starters that way as well.

Like Bay, I'm wondering why Chris didn't leave to be a trainer the first chance he could. I'm sure that'll be explained more in the story as we learn more. But so far, this was a good introduction to our characters.

Looking forward to more of this.

Yay, reviews! Don't have time to respond individually right now, so I'll just say: Thanks, you two! Glad you seemed to enjoy it.

Anyways:

best laid plans


The beginnings of all stories turned bad are good natured, right? The typical "Wake up in the morning feelin' like the world's at my bidding" scene, where the main character is giddy, happy to be where they are: and then just like as if nothing good ever existed, the main character's world is screwed into pieces at the whim of a few seconds time.

I'm glad Death didn't visit me on that day. Very glad that I didn't meet him, and have my life taken from me by his gleaming scythe. I was happy.
God, I miss that word. "Happy".


Christopher Avrich allowed the small Pokemon to ride on his shoulders and walked out the door, nodding to Elm. "I'll be back in about an hour, okay? I need to go pack some stuff.

Chris was excited beyond belief as he walked down the street toward his home. He would soon be out on an adventure, just like all the famous Pokemon Trainers out there did once in their lives: it was an unspoken requirement of greatness that one must have had a Pokemon Journey. Or at least that's what all the good movies said, and how could they be wrong?

"Bosca, gal, how do ya like the sunlight? I know ya like dark places, but it's pretty nice out here too, ain't it?" Chris asked.

"...mish! Shroomish," Bosca replied, her tone filled with anxiety.

Chris frowned then. He supposed she would get used to it after some time.

He reached the door of his home, twisted the knob and walked in.
"And this is my house! We won't be stayin' here long, of course, but I figure ya may as well get a good look at it while we're here."

Chris stopped for a moment, allowing Bosca to take in the drab, brown scenery: and as he did so, his mother approached him, an eyebrow cocked, a dish sponge in hand.

"'s that a Pokemon, Chris?" she asked. "Never seen one like it..."

"Yep," Chris said, nodding slowly. "Her name's Bosca. She's a Shroomish, from the Hoenn region."

"Hoenn? How'd it get here then?" His mother was obviously a bit skeptical.
"Professor Elm's friends with Hoenn's Professor Birch," Chris responded. "And he sent this little gal here for some research."

"... You didn't -steal- it, did you, Chris?" she asked. He could sense the doubt in her eyes, boring into him like a drill into the ground, searching for the oily truth.

"He gave it to me, Mom," Chris said. "We need 'ta sit down 'n' talk."
The two of them walked over to a kitchen table after his mother set down the dish sponge, Bosca leaping off Chris's shoulder and sitting down on the table. It seemed slightly more comfortable on wood than the fabric of Chris's hoodie.

"... and that's how Bosca came 'ta be mine, and why I'll be gone for 'bout... a week or so," Chris said.

"... Eh. It's nerve wracking for me, Chris," his mother said. Her lips were curled down into a frown, her eyes confirming the feelings she was telling him verbally. "You're my baby, and you're leaving New Bark for the first time... isn't Ian going along with you?"

"No," Chris said, shaking his head. "I told you, they're sendin' me because the two man lab can't afford 'ta lose a man for a week. Elm needs to be there for research, and Ian needs to be there to assist him with it, otherwise they could risk gettin' shut down by the Indigo Association."
His mother sighed and shut her eyes, nodding slowly. "... Go on and pack," she said. "But let me know before you leave, okay?"

Chris reached into a pocket and pulled out a small device: rectangular and yellow, with an gray indent in the center, buttons placed all around it. A Pokegear.

"I'll call you every day, 'kay? C'mon, Bosca, let's go pack."

Chris scooted backward in his chair, Bosca making a leap toward his shoulder...

... and missing, hitting the floor with a soft thud.

"...mmiiisssshhhh..." Bosca groaned.

Chris believed that she was seeing stars. Sighing himself, he knelt down and picked her up in his arms, holding her close to him while she recovered. They then bounded up the staircase, heading to Chris's room.



It was dark, only the light of shoddily installed lights on the cave's roof giving him some sort of visibility. The man sighed. This was an inconvenience he would have to deal with, for now. He couldn't help that fact.

He wondered if the boy would be back any time soon. He decided that if he wasn't back within the day, he would send the purple-haired nuisance out to retrieve him. Really, the only thing the purple-haired nuisance was good for was his Crobat. And, well, being a nuisance.

The boy was the key. He was the leader's boy, but he would toss him aside. The apple fell far from the tree in that case... when the boy had done his work, his usefulness would be outlived. It was only gruntwork anyway, but he didn't seem to realize: in his young age, he imagined the boy felt like a "secret agent", running in to steal "top secret files".
The man laughed heartily.

The "top secret files" were those things that would assist him in getting out of this dank, depressing place. He worked paperwork out on a shoddily cut wooden desk, no electricity except for the dim lights above him. They would help him conquer, and they would help him retrieve the true leader of the group once again.

The leader would be pleased. That was all the man ever wanted: he was even sure that the loss of his boy would prove nothing to the leader in light of what the man really did to assist the leader.

The man grinned, nodded to himself, and got back to work.



Chris stood outside the Elm Laboratory, gently knocking on the door.
Right now, he waited outside in a new outfit. An outfit he liked, one that he decided would look good for his travels. His only quirk with it was the lack of a hat.

The door opened, and Chris was met with the friendly face of Ian. "Hello, Chris."

"Hey, Ian - back to talk to the Professor for a few minutes," he said. "He's still here, right?"

"Of course!" Ian exclaimed. "He's in the back preparing for a short trip to the Tohjo Falls. Caught him just in time. Oh, nice outfit, by the way..."

"Thanks," Chris said.

He stepped inside and headed toward the back, slinging his yellow backpack off his arms and letting it fall onto the floor next to a bookcase. It hit the ground with a soft thud, a variety of small convenience items rattling around upon impact. Chris made a mental note not to do that anymore: he had a few bottles of hand sanitizer in there, and if that broke, it would have been a disaster for his clothes. Plus, the sound startled Bosca.

"Mish!" Bosca exclaimed.

"Sorry, gal," Chris said apologetically. The sound of his voice alerted Elm to his presence, it seemed, as the Professor looked up and nodded.

"Hello, Chris," he said. "How can I help you?"

Chris sighed. He didn't want to do this to the poor man, but if he was going to do what he was asked, he would need to. "Mom can't spare any cash. Gonna need to borrow some from you."

Elm stared at him blankly for a few moments and then nodded. "Right. I can spare about a hundred bucks for you. That'll last you the entire trip if you're careful. Will you be?"

"Of course, Professor - Careful is my middle name!"

Elm cocked an eyebrow. "I thought it was Lawrence."

"...Quiet, Professor," Chris muttered.

Elm laughed good naturedly, breaking the tension of the moment in an instant. "Right, right. Well, let me go find my wallet."

Chris stood there and waited patiently, watching Bosca with mild interest as her own eyes darted around, examining the silvery, metal feel of the lab's insides. Finally, the man walked over to him and handed him a small stack of bills, each labeled with a number and a large P in the center.

"A hundred PokeDollars. Be careful with them, Chris," Elm said. He seemed to eye him with such intensity that Chris flinched back.

"...Right. Will do, Professor. Thanks - I'll call you on the VidPhone the moment I get to Cherrygrove, okay?"

"Okay."

Chris turned around and headed for the door, kneeling down to grab his backpack as he passed by the bookshelf he set it down by. Before he left, he was stopped by a voice.

"Wait up a moment, Chris!" Ian called.

Chris turned around and saw the lab assistant running toward him, the tails of his lab coat gently slapping his lower thighs. He stopped, and extended a small rectangular package toward him.

"Here, take these," he said. "These will help you on the trip. They're potions, for if your Shroomish gets hurt."

Chris peered inside, looking at the contents with interest. A small array of bottles were inside, each clear but filled with a strange purple liquid. They were spray bottles. He nodded and took the package, flipping his backpack around and holding it against his stomach, zipping open the top compartment and sliding them in.

"Thanks, Ian," he said, winking. "I'll miss ya. Can't wait to do some studyin' on this egg once I get back."

Ian nodded, grinning. "Indeed. See you later, Chris."



Ian remained in the lab for a long time that night, past the time when his normal schedule ended.

It was a relatively uneventful time, even with his sudden burst of research vigor. Until about one o'clock in the morning.

Ian stretched and placed a hand over his mouth to cover a yawn, stepping back from the table. The subject, a small red stone with a flame pattern on it, was now inside a protective plastic covering.

"Well, little man," Ian said. "I suppose I'll see what secrets you hold for me tomorrow, perhaps? I can't wait."

He smiled and nodded toward the stone, before moving toward the front of the lab. Once he got there, he took his coat off and hung it on a rack. At that time, he heard a slight thud, and turned around to check out the source.

"Did I set the stone too close to the edge of the table?" he thought aloud.

"I'd best go check... it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me, though. It's late."

He was thinking aloud on purpose, sheerly for the purpose of comfort. He heard a second thud, and the light sound of breath.

He froze, and moved his hand toward his belt. "... Professor Elm? Is that you?"

The phone on his belt was detached now, and he flipped it open. "Hello? Who's there? Last chance to identify yourself..."

He felt the phone slip from his hands, an icy chill coming over him. He saw a flash run before his eyes, and a sigh escaped someone's lips. The voice was almost demonic to Ian's ears, with how low it was.

"I thought you were gone," he said. "****. Now I get to do the dirty job of witness removal. But first..."

A flash of light suddenly illuminated the area, and Ian saw the red-haired form suddenly appear in front of him. He wore a thin jacket, black as night with a red stripe down the middle. His bottom half was covered by jeans.

And then the figure was blocked by a black and yellow flash, now at his side. He felt sharp metal up against his neck, and the light buzz of a Beedrill's wings: it made sense. He had the barb of a Beedrill up against his neck, prepared to kill him at any moment.

"Let's keep down the casualities. I'll find the Professor and kill him too, assistant. But..."

The red-haired person turned and pointed toward Elm's computer in the back. "...if you get me that Houndour, I'll let him live. Understood, assistant?"

"... U-...understood," Ian stammered.

The red-haired person turned to face him and flashed a grin that echoed, what appeared to be to Ian, a devilish sense of enjoyment from his hostage's fright.

"Now walk forward. Beedrill, careful not to impale him, but make sure you keep close. If he tries to do any funny business, kill him."

Ian slowly walked forward toward the computer. He had no idea what the Professor's password was, but he could at least stall for some time by hacking into the system to get it. Maybe Elm would come by early and be able to call the police.

He placed his hands on the keyboard and began to work.



At the same time, Christopher Avrich slipped into his sleeping bag, finally losing his adamant will to stay up any later. He supposed it would be best to get on a better sleeping schedule, at least for the week.

He extended a hand toward Bosca, gently stroking the sleeping Shroomish.

"Night, gal. Had fun today. Sleep tight."

And, as his head hit the ground, he drifted off into a dreamless sleep.



Ian sighed. He could not stall for any more time: he had gotten the password quick. He entered a few commands, and from a small slot in the side of the computer, a Pokeball popped out.

He heard a thud as the boy's other Pokemon, the black freezing flash, jumped up on the table next to him and grabbed the Pokeball, tossing it back. He assumed toward its trainer.

And then he heard a snicker and the sound of flesh meeting flesh: before he felt a flash of sudden pain as his own flesh was broken, his carotid artery letting loose in a warm, bloody gout. He turned his head just barely, and his world went black, all he saw was a flash of black and red, then a small leaflet hitting the floor. It donned a dark red R.

A flash of horror hit Ian just before his world went dark.



Chapter 2! Yay. Hope you guys enjoy it.

Also, I forgot: PM list. I'm starting one up. Anyone who wants to be PMed/VMed when a new chapter comes up, just let me know!

Yay, Chapter Two! :D

"... Eh. It's nerve wracking for me, Chris," his mother said. "You're my baby, and you're leaving New Bark for the first time... isn't Ian going along with you?"

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Hm, I feel for this part you could put a quick description of Chris' mother's expression so that the readers are able to picture what's she feeling and you showing that.

Chris scooted backward in his chair, Bosca making a leap toward his shoulder...

... and missing, hitting the floor with a soft thud.

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Aw. XD;

Elm cocked an eyebrow. "I thought it was Lawrence."

"...Quiet, Professor," Chris muttered.

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Again, their interaction is priceless. XD

Anyways, another enjoyable chapter there. Chris and Bosca's interaction with one another is very fun to read and their first time with one another is realistic. You have them off to a shaky start, but they're willing to give this journey with one another a try.

The italicized scene...hm, maybe this is just me, but I don't really think you need to italicized that scene because we're able to know the transition. XD However, if that scene is actually from the future/past, I guess that's understandable. Again, this is probably just me, though. It's still interesting though and very mysterious. I'm left wondering what's going to happen next there.

Ian's parts are quite nice too and nice work on the Silver breaking through the lab scene. Very suspenseful and intense stuff. Only thing that I'm confused is the last scene. I'm assuming Silver is part of Team Rocket in this piece? If so, why? If I recall correctly, the games Silver despises Team Rocket and getting at that is one of his motivations to wanting to steal a Pokemon and become a strong trainer. Bleh, I'm probably getting ahead of myself here. XD;

Overall, again Chris is great and his interaction with the Pokemon is nicely done. The last part is awesome too, but am wondering about the TR and if indeed that stands for Team Rocket. Looking forward to the next chapter, though!

*squee* New chapter.

I love the dialogue in this. It all seems so real. The characters just talk, and I can hear them clearly in my mind when I read. You have a real ear for dialogue, which is awesome.

A few small things to point out.

Wake up in the Morning

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Don't think "morning" is supposed to be capitalized there.

"I'll be back in about an hour, okay? I need to go pack some stuff.

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Missed the closing quotation marks here.

from the Hoenn Region

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Don't think "region" needs to be capitalized.

"He gave it to me, mom,"

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Need to capitalize "mom" here.

Bosca and Chris's interactions are completely adorable and fun. Should be interesting to see what happens when they actually start their journey.

The ending of this chapter was certainly suspenseful. Poor Ian! Interesting to see what these plans are that involve Silver, and what he has planned for this Houndour. And that man in the cave! I'm totally looking forward to the next chapter.

Just a forewarning here, I'm sorry this review is so quote-tastic, but it's hard to point out specific sections without them, haha. ^^;

Pokemon.

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Being nit-picky here, but if you take the time to find your character map on your computer, you can put the accented 'e' in Pokémon. It just helps to go the extra mile. :)

it took me a while, yes, but I can positively identify that this is not a known Pokemon!"

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The bolded can be cut. It keeps the sentence moving forward.

Then I'll send someone over for it.

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I think this could be better worded as "I'll send someone over to bring it here." It better explains what he's doing.

but I've got to go to do it.

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I think perhaps this would also sound better as "but I've got to hang up to do it."

"Let's get to the pointttt ..."

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I get the impression that Chris is whining here, and if so, maybe try and italicize the word 'point' instead of dragging out the t's? Just trying to make the fic look nicer is all. :p

"... And who's the most eccentric?"

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You like putting these ellipses in your quotes, don't you? XD I used to do this too, actually, until I realized that it was better for me to leave them off the beginning of quotes unless the character was thinking deeply about something or saying something slowly. Since Elm is 'retorting' here I think you could leave them off.

"...S-shut up, Chris, let's keep going.

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My opinion, but I think it's a little extreme for a Professor to tell a kid, even if he deserves it, to 'shut up'. It seems unprofessional and un-professorlike.

Overall reaction for chapter one: I like it. You've a nice pleasant writing style which is nice and easy to read through. If you just clean up the way it looks I think you'll have something here. :3

Chapter Two:

I'm glad death didn't visit me on that day. Very glad that I didn't meet him, and have my life taken from me by his gleaming scythe. I was happy.
God, I miss that word. "Happy".

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Hit the enter button to separate this little bit. It's also interesting that he'd think he'd get killed that day.

I need to go pack some stuff.

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Forgot your ending quote tag, here.

"I'll call you every day, 'kay? C'mon, Bosca, let's go pack."

Chris scooted backward in his chair, Bosca making a leap toward his shoulder...

... and missing, hitting the floor with a soft thud.


"...mmiiisssshhhh..." Bosca groaned.

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This was adorably cute. I feel like adopting a Shroomish now. XD

the light of shoddily installed lights

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This word seems weird here. I think the simply word 'poorly' would sound better and do the same job.

Also caught a few spelling errors:

an inconvinience

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Inconvenience*

nuiscance

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Nuisance*

convinience items rattling aroud upon impact

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Convenience* and around*

It's about one, one thirty, right?"

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This seems rather redundant since we already know what time it is from the beginning of the scene. He could probably say "it's probably just my mind playing tricks on me though, since it's so late."

sheerly

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I... don't think this is a word (MS Word doesn't seem to think so). If you want to keep it go ahead but I think the word "simply" does the same thing.

kill him immediately.

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I think it would sound more ominous if this was cut. ^-^

I love chapter two's ending as well. The cliffhanger was nicely done. :]

So far I'm liking this fic as I go through. It's a nice read, and I love your Shroomish's character. The fic has an overall quirky tone that is very endearing, and I hope to see more~.

I do agree that the last scene was quite well done - certainly felt for Ian there, and it was pretty suspenseful as well. The characters continue to be well portrayed as well, and I like reading how they interact with each other as well, such as Chris and his mother, and Chris and Bosca in particular - I like Shroomish by default and you're making this one all the more likeable. \o/

The pacing is going nicely as well, IMO - basically the writing is solid all round thus far imo.
Some quotes maybe not already mentioned + other stuff:

"Bosca, gal, how do ya like the sunlight? I know ya like dark places, but it's pretty nice out here too, ain't it?" Chris asked.

"...mish! Shroomish," Bosca replied, her tone filled with anxiety.

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Stuff like this is why I like Bosca and her interactions with Chris, heh. Nice touches of comedy here and there which goes well with the darker scenes.

"'s that a Pokemon, Chris?" she asked. "Never seen one like it..."

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Abbreviating 'is' feels a bit odd to me, but perhaps it is a legitimate way to write it? Worth considering changing at any rate imo, as it's not too easy to see right next to the quotation mark, that ' sign.

... and missing, hitting the floor with a soft thud.


"...mmiiisssshhhh..." Bosca groaned.

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Here there was an extra space in-between the lines...

"Of course!" Ian exclaimed. "He's in the back preparing for a short trip to the Tohjo Falls. Caught him just in time. Oh, nice outfit, by the way..."
"Thanks," Chris said.

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And sometimes like here there was a line space lacking. Might be due to copy and pasting from your word processor, so watch out for that sort of thing.

"Of course, Professor - Careful is my middle name!"

Elm cocked an eyebrow. "I thought it was Lawrence."

"...Quiet, Professor," Chris muttered.

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This interchange amused me a fair bit. XD

A small array of bottles was inside, each clear but filled with a strange purple liquid.

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Would it be was as it's the array being treated as one object, or rather 'were' as there are multiple bottles...?

Looking forward to the next chapter. =)

I'm sick as a dog, and really too lazy to respond to reviews individually right now! Wee.

So, I'll just say the following:

Thanks you four! It's honestly pretty weird to have this many people vocally following a story for me - never had it happen before. =p

So thanks for the reviews, and I'm glad you like the story so far.

All errors will be fixed as soon as I finish posting this.

A lot of famous fictional characters have had a sidekick: Batman had Robin, for instance.

I had Joey.

He was a good kid. A light in the world of darkness, a spot of sunshine on an otherwise rainy day. He made my days a bit easier.


Chris trotted happily along the side of Route 29, his mood a good one. One of the best he had been in for a while now, even. The sun shone down upon him, its rays meeting him and shaking his hand; the wind was gentle, a cool, refreshing breeze; and of course, the infamous green-dotted yellow Pokemon called Bosca riding on his shoulder.

"You know, gal, it's a good day for walkin', ain't it?" Chris asked.

Bosca seemed to be getting used to the idea of sunlight. This was a good thing: she would be exposed to it often if Chris were to keep her.

"Mish! Shroom, shroomish," Bosca replied.

"My point exactly!" Chris said, and continued walking along.

The end of his gleeful stroll was to come to an abrupt end, though: for, although he didn't know it, a pair of eyes was observing him from afar.


Professor Elm let loose a sigh as he stood in front of the door of his lab. He had a stack of books under one arm, and his other hand was fumbling through his pockets, looking desperately for the familiar ring of keys.

He felt his hand brush against cold metal in his pocket. He breathed another sigh, this one in relief.

He slipped his keys into the door, turned them and then turned the knob. At that moment, he felt an odd sense of foreboding... and the sudden distraction made him oblivious to the fact that his books were slipping. They hit the ground with a loud thud, pages flapping in the light breeze that rushed through the area.

"Damn it!" he cursed, before kneeling over them and scooping them under his arm again. He pushed his shoulder against the door and walked in.

"Wonder why Ian's not here," he thought aloud. "Usually a lot earlier than me."

He set his books down on a desk next to the doorway, then moved over to the coat rack. Ian's coat was not there.

He walked through the bookcases that separated his lab into halves, and stared at the scene in front of him with horrified awe.

Speechless, Elm walked over to the nearby phone and pressed in the numbers for the Cherrygrove Police Department, wondering just how to regain his voice.

He didn't know if it was possible.


Chris came to a stop nearby a ledge, and slumped down to the ground. He muttered something about rest to Bosca, who jumped off his shoulder and landed in his lap. He lifted a hand to gently rub her head.

"Nice Pokemon," a voice said. "But mine is better! It's in the top percentage of its kind!"

Chris looked up to see a boy standing in front of him. He was barely over four feet tall, Chris estimated, and was dressed in blue jean shorts, and a bright yellow shirt. He wore a blue cap perched on his head, hiding what appeared to be (from small bits sticking out) a messy brown head of hair.

"My name's Joey!"

"Yer rather excitable, ain'tcha?" Chris asked. "I'm Chris."

"Of course!" Joey exclaimed.

"...Righty'o, buddy."

"So then," Joey continued. "Wanna battle?"

Chris froze for a moment, thinking of a couple of problems that could arise from this proposition. First of all, he wasn't much of a battler. He had no skill in it whatsoever, even in those dumb computer game simulators. Seconds, could Bosca handle it? She seemed to be relatively young and inexperienced at this whole deal herself.

"Buddy, I just sat down to rest. Can't it wait?" Chris asked.

"Sure," Joey said, before walking over to Chris and plopping down to the ground next to him.

Chris stared at him. If there ever was an odd person, this Joey kid seemed to take the cake.

"Righty'o," Chris muttered again.

Joey thrust his hand down into his pocket and removed an object. It was small, red on the top, white on the bottom, with a silver button in the center; a Pokeball.

He pressed the release switch, and Chris recoiled at the closeness of the flash of light. But once it disappeared, a small purple Pokemon with a curled tail and visible sharp-looking fangs appeared in Joey's lap.

"Rats!" Joey proclaimed proudly. "My Rattata. He's real cool, like, in the top percentage of his kind!"

"I hear they ain't that strong," Chris deadpanned.

Which was a mistake.

"That is a common misconception, thank you very much!" Joey bellowed. "Rattata are fierce battlers, able to bite through even the toughest of hides! A Rattata once destroyed a building by eating its support beams!"

"Okay, I gotta admit that's pretty impressive."

"Of course!" Joey said, and Rats chimed in with a light, chirping agreement.

"Well then," Chris said, picking up Bosca and standing up. "I suppose we can battle now, if you really want..."

"Good! I'd never let you go without a battle anyways – not after you insult the wonderful Rats!"

"'ta! Rattt!" Rats agreed.

Chris ignored Joey for a moment, and sat Bosca down onto the ground, where she looked at him expectantly. She was obviously clueless as to what was going on.

"Alright, Bosca, gal. I'm gonna need you to do me a big favor, 'kay?" Chris said.

"...mish?"

"You see that Rattata over there?" Chris asked, pointing toward Rats.

Bosca turned around and looked at Rats for a moment, before turning back to Chris and nodding as best she could without a neck.

"mish. Shrroomish, shroo."

"I want you to fight him. Try and beat him. If you can't, I understand, but please try."

Bosca immediately looked nervous. Chris could sympathize.

"Bosca, gal, I know this is frightening. I'm kinda scared of it myself, and I'm not the one battlin'... just do your best and I'll be proud of you either way, 'kay, girl?"

Bosca slowly nodded, before turning to face the opposing Pokemon.

"Alright! You go first, Joey," Chris offered.

"Okay, Rats! Tackle it! Let's GGGOOO!"

Rats lunged forward, slamming into Bosca with all the force he could muster. The attack hit Bosca hard, sending her onto her back.

But she got up, and she looked very, very angry.

"Mish! Miiishhh!"

Bosca, without the commands of Chris, began to glow a bright shade of green. Rats did the same, and and Chris observed with awe as a small beam of tiny, white particles passed in between them, coating Bosca and sinking into her skin.

"An absorb attack!" Joey gasped.

"...Right! Good job, gal!" Chris said excitedly.

"Rats, Counter it with a Bite!"

Rats nodded, but it was with a bit less energy than he had shown before. He lunged forward though, and sank his teeth into Bosca's side before jumping back.

"...Miisshhh!" Bosca cried. A steady ooze of a gray-colored blood seeped from the wound.

"Do...does your Pokemon normally bleed gray?" Joey asked.

"I- I don't know!" Chris stammered. It was incredibly odd. "Oh well though, I guess she's kinda not yer typical Pokemon- Bosca, let's retaliate with a Tackle!"

Bosca leaped forward and slammed herself into Rats. The purple rat Pokemon was sent skidding back a few inches, but smartly took the opportunity of Bosca being so close to sink his fangs into Bosca's skin again.

They were locked together in a struggle.

"Break loose!" Chris exclaimed. His eyes widened, imagining the pain the poor girl must be feeling.

"Stay strong!" Joey cheered. "Don't let it go!"

Oddly enough, Rats let her go.

Rats now lay on the ground, dead asleep. Bosca pulled herself away, and ran over to Chris's side.

Chris slung off his backpack and zipped it open, removing the potion pack given to him by Ian. He slipped out of the syringes and gently slid the needle into one of the holes in her skin from the bite attack, and pushed the top. He watched the purple liquid inside slowly drain out, and then removed the syringe, tossing it aside.

"Good job, gal," he praised. He realized he was beaming.

He had won the battle.

Joey recalled Rats, and walked over to Chris. He looked awestruck, like he had just seen the President of the Pokemon Association walk up to him and tell him that he was a good candidate for his replacement. He stood there, silent for a moment, before slowly extending a hand.

Chris grabbed it and shook it, then kneeled down again and offered his shoulder to Bosca, who happily leaped onto it now that her injuries were gone (excluding the bite hole that hadn't healed because of the syringe's presence in it, but that would heal within days).

"Your Pokemon is within the top percentage of Pokemon," Joey praised. "I have no idea when it did the sleep powder, but it was sneaky! Like a Koga-clan Ninja!"

Chris's beaming continued, and he nodded. "Your Rattata destroys the stereotype."

Joey looked as if he were about to cry. His lower lip began to quiver, and his arms crossed over his chest.

Chris placed a hand on his shoulder. "So, I got a proposition for you – you available for a little travel?"

Joey nodded. "... I- I live in Cherrygrove, but I just recently left on a journey. I'm available whenever- do you want my Pokegear number?"

Chris nodded, and pulled out his Pokegear. The two exchanged numbers. Chris dialed in Joey's, and pressed the device against his ear.

Baffled, Joey did the same.

"Hello?" Chris said.

"... Hi?" Joey responded.

"Oh, Joey! Hey, dude, I got a proposition for ya. I like ya, and I've got some travelin' to do myself. What do ya say we do it together?"

Joey hung up, and extended his hand again.

"Partners?" Chris asked.

They shook.

Joey nodded. "Partners."


I apologize for the shortness of the chapter. The ending scene was just TOO PERFECT not to make it an ending scene in my opinion. Next chapter will be a little longer to compensate.

Remember: If you like this story, I have two others running! Check out "Rescue" and "Sinnoh Stories - The Legend of Volkner"!

EDIT: Ninja'd by new chapter. How often does that happen? ._. Um, slightly less than up-to-date review, then?

BEFORE EDIT:

Well, this is certainly a different take on the traditional Original-Trainer-gets-a-Pokemon story. Although I was ambivalent towards Chris at first (possibly because of his first line, but more on that later), I feel that he's a nicely realistic character. He's clearly not a prodigy, but he's not just a comic-relief character turned hero either. He's not very serious, but still cares, and he's got a little bit of humor in the way he acts. None of his features feel particularly exaggerated, and because of that he reminds me of several people I know, which is a good sign.

I was also initially ambivalent toward the first chapter, but after reading the second one--especially that one dark scene--I'm feeling better about your story as a whole. The tone reminds me of Pokemon Special in a way. It's kind of silly, but not too silly (there was one instance that I thought was too silly, which I'll specify later), and that makes the dark sections more powerful and actually darker than they would be otherwise.

There were a few things I found problematic, though.

I apologize for the shortness of the chapter. The ending scene was just TOO PERFECT not to make it an ending scene in my opinion.

Click to expand...

I personally agree tbh. =p And the length is not too different to the other chapters either so I don't see it as an issue - chapters should be as long as they need to be to tell their story, is all.

Anyways I liked this - hurrah for the inclusion of Joey there (a manga element, no?) and his top-percentage Rattata (hurrah for the game reference and his repeating of it XD). The battle was entertaining - perhaps a bit simple but given it was a Rattata and a friendly it suits it I feel. I also liked the scene with Elm in it - again you do drama pretty well and I liked how it progressed - the flow was pretty much spot on imo.

The sun shone down upon him, its rays meeting him and shaking his hand; the wind was gentle, a cool, refreshing breeze; and of course, the infamous green-dotted yellow Pokemon called Bosca riding on his shoulder.

Click to expand...

I suggest adding in a 'was' in-between Bosca and riding.

"Mish! Shroom, shroomish," Bosca replied.

"My point exactly!" Chris said, and continued walking along.

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XD This amused me. I certainly continued to enjoy the interactions between Bosca and Chris as well such as before and during the battle.

Speechless, Elm walked over to the nearby phone and pressed in the numbers for the Cherrygrove Police Department, wondering just how to regain his voice.

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'pressed in' sounds a bit odd to me personally - 'dialed the numbers' works better imo.

"But mine is better! It's in the top percentage of it's kind!"

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That should be an its.

"Rats!" Joey proclaimed proudly. My Rattata. He's real cool, like, in the top percentage of his kind!"

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You're missing a quotation mark before 'My Rattata.' there.

Rats lunged forward, slamming into Bosca with all the force he could muster. The attack hit Bosca hard, sending her onto her back.

But she got up, and she looked very, very angry.

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I feel the last line would be better if you described her looking angry such as describing the expression on her face and maybe a growl or loud shout given from the Shroomish mentioned instead of stating that she was angry - a show rather than tell sort of thing really. It'll make it more interesting to read as well as being less blunt while still conveying the same information to us the readers.

Overall still entertaining - keep it up!

And now I'm sick, and I nearly died laughing at the opening of this chapter.

Oh, this was a treat to read. Chris and Bosca's interactions are great to see. It seems like quite a few writers forget to include the Pokemon in their list of characters. To see one included and written so well is just a great thing to see.

The scene with Elm was also done well. It was a great break in Chris's journey to go back to the other story still happening in New Bark Town. Still waiting to see when both Chris and what happened to poor Ian meet up. So yes, I am still looking forward to more.

For the first battle of this fanfic, you did good. While it seemed kind of basic in how it was written, it almost seemed to fit the battle. It's between two low-level Pokemon (er...a low-level Pokemon and a surprising Rattata!), so it really didn't need that grand of a writing style. The Pokemon didn't just sit there and wait for their trainer's commands. They were active and reacted to what was going on in the battle.

And I have to say that I enjoyed the "and she was very, very angry" line. Yes, you should have showed that little Shroomish glare that fits the Pokemon so well, but I personally loved that little line.

This was just a fun chapter, and as you can tell from my review, I just enjoy this fanfic. Really hoping for more. And thanks for the VM, by the way. Definitely keep me on an update list.

Now be warned: Responding to four detailed reviews tires me out. Don't be surprised if, by the end of this, my responses are composed of about as much detail as "dkjfkfdsjg =D TACOS".

Comments in bold.

And edits will be done later today. I have not the time. D:

icomeanon6 said:

EDIT: Ninja'd by new chapter. How often does that happen? ._. Um, slightly less than up-to-date review, then?

Haha, nice.

BEFORE EDIT:

Well, this is certainly a different take on the traditional Original-Trainer-gets-a-Pokemon story. Although I was ambivalent towards Chris at first (possibly because of his first line, but more on that later), I feel that he's a nicely realistic character. He's clearly not a prodigy, but he's not just a comic-relief character turned hero either. He's not very serious, but still cares, and he's got a little bit of humor in the way he acts. None of his features feel particularly exaggerated, and because of that he reminds me of several people I know, which is a good sign.

Yay! Goal achieved. Chris is meant to be average. He's not meant to be great, nor terrible - and I'm glad I achieved the normalcy I was aiming for.

I was also initially ambivalent toward the first chapter, but after reading the second one--especially that one dark scene--I'm feeling better about your story as a whole. The tone reminds me of Pokemon Special in a way. It's kind of silly, but not too silly (there was one instance that I thought was too silly, which I'll specify later), and that makes the dark sections more powerful and actually darker than they would be otherwise.
There were a few things I found problematic, though.

Really?! Sweet. That's an honor to be compared to Pokemon Special. =p

Alright, throw 'em at me!

Now, I realize that Chris likes movies (which is a nice detail, very relate-able!), but ripping a line wholesale from Space Jam without mentioning the source is a little iffy. The thing is, it's not the kind of line that everyone can recognize right away as a reference (like "I am your father," "Frankly my dear, I don't give a damn," etc), so that moves it closer to the strict no-no area of taking someone else's work.

I'm glad someone DID get the Space Jam reference. Threw in a quick disclaimer.

This is that instance that I thought was too silly. That kind of phrasing is something that I would expect in a straight-up parody, not in a story that's just lighthearted most of the time. It seemed out of place to me.
Now, this is more my opinion than anything, but the term "evil" seems a little too un-scientific for Professor Elm to be using. I found it jarring.

I suppose so. "Dark"? "Menacing"? Do either of those work?

Other than that, the writing itself worked pretty well. One thing that you need to look out for presentation-wise is when you have a new paragraph but no blank space. I'm going to guess that the breaks disappear when you copy from a word document and you have to insert them manually, like I do. Annoying as all heck, isn't it?

Yeah. It's a pain in the butt. D:

This was a good beginning, and it shows promise for a pleasant but still exciting story. I'm looking forward to the next installment.

hardy har har

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bobandbill said:

I personally agree tbh. =p And the length is not too different to the other chapters either so I don't see it as an issue - chapters should be as long as they need to be to tell their story, is all.
Anyways I liked this - hurrah for the inclusion of Joey there (a manga element, no?) and his top-percentage Rattata (hurrah for the game reference and his repeating of it XD). The battle was entertaining - perhaps a bit simple but given it was a Rattata and a friendly it suits it I feel. I also liked the scene with Elm in it - again you do drama pretty well and I liked how it progressed - the flow was pretty much spot on imo.

Indeed. Simple battles are written simply.

I suggest adding in a 'was' in-between Bosca and riding.

Eh. It's my personal opinion here getting in the way of a suggestion for once - it sounds better like it is, at least to me, so unless it's gramatically incorrect... =/

XD This amused me. I certainly continued to enjoy the interactions between Bosca and Chris as well such as before and during the battle.

As was my intention. =p I loved the short scene to death the moment I thought of it.

'pressed in' sounds a bit odd to me personally - 'dialed the numbers' works better imo.

Alright. I'll edit it.


That should be an its.

fffuuuu- Gosh darned confusing word!

You're missing a quotation mark before 'My Rattata.' there.

Righty'o!

I feel the last line would be better if you described her looking angry such as describing the expression on her face and maybe a growl or loud shout given from the Shroomish mentioned instead of stating that she was angry - a show rather than tell sort of thing really. It'll make it more interesting to read as well as being less blunt while still conveying the same information to us the readers.

Meh. I did it on purpose: Bluntness served well, in my opinion. But I'll edit it in.

Overall still entertaining - keep it up!

Thank ya! Thank ya very much. </elvis>

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Mizan de la Plume Kuro said:

Dia duit [Jee-ah ghwich]

That there's probably Irish for "God be With You" (hello in Irish) with the given pronunciation, but, oddly enough, it means "He's Money" in Malay, which is my native language. Suffice to say, I was pleasantly surprised by this revelation.

Is that so? How interesting. Mizan! =3


Let me first begin my review by contrasting this with your other fic I did a review for. Remember when I referred to your characters as shallow within the previous fic? The statement still stands, especially if I contrast the cast of Legend of Volkner to Best Laid Plans. I've read the whole of this one in less than half an hour, enjoyed it throughout, am hoping for more, and find the characterizations for the cast absolutely delightful. You're definitely doing a lot more on the showing and not telling part of the spectrum here, and I have to say that I particularly enjoyed how you developed the character interactions between Chris and Elm in this one. It's the small things like their witty banter which help reveal their individual personalities towards the audience as opposed to outright telling them how character so and so is feeling at any given time. That said, I'm actually right now persuaded to say that you're much better at this casual tone than the meticulous, description-rich tone from the other fic. In other words, it flows much better in terms of language and is much more easily understandable. That's not to say that your other fic was hard to read; it's just that this one doesn't feel like you're trying to tell too much to the reader at once while focusing on describing the exciting bits of the moment, rather than every detail.

I understand. I'm glad this is doing better.

Now on to plot. The story, I'm seeing, is as anon put it, a refreshing take on the traditional journey-fic genre. The only reason I avoid labelling this as an OT fic is because Chris seems to be partially canon. Also, it seems to be influenced by the PokeSpecial Manga to an extent so that's another reason. I realise that it's not just a retelling, so, for now, I'm eagerly awaiting any deviation, besides the inclusion of Joey, which will confirm these suspicions of mine. So yeah, not much on plot besides the usual. The monologues at the beginnings at the sinister dialogue interspersed throughout give the fic and ominous feel so there might be hope for this to turn out to be an awesome piece just yet.

It wasn't influenced by it, at least consciously. =p But I really do find it nice so many people think it was!

Now the nitpicks. I don't really scour fics for mistakes as was what I used to do, but I only point out jarring mistakes which make me go, "wait what?" when confronted with them. That said, I only found one mistake worth mentioning. There may be more, in fact there probably will be considering nothing is definite, but this was the only one I found.

This isn't strictly a mistake, but more of an OOC moment for the Elm you have in the fic. I find that this piece of dialogue here is really jarring because you're making the man talk like an excited teenager as opposed to the serious Professor you've been portraying him to be so far. If he's trying to act hip intentionally, it comes off as being too much of a parody, so yeah…

He was trying to act hip intentionally. I'll edit it out, though.

Anyway, that's about it. Good luck.

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Astinus said:

And now I'm sick, and I nearly died laughing at the opening of this chapter.

In the words of one my favorite authors: Yay, my writing is finally starting to affect people's physical health! Next chapter, Chris gets sliced in two!

Oh, this was a treat to read. Chris and Bosca's interactions are great to see. It seems like quite a few writers forget to include the Pokemon in their list of characters. To see one included and written so well is just a great thing to see.

Yay! Glad you like it.

The scene with Elm was also done well. It was a great break in Chris's journey to go back to the other story still happening in New Bark Town. Still waiting to see when both Chris and what happened to poor Ian meet
up. So yes, I am still looking forward to more.

Spoiler below.

Spoiler:

Next chapter, it happens. I mean, Chris learns of it.

For the first battle of this fanfic, you did good. While it seemed kind of basic in how it was written, it almost seemed to fit the battle. It's between two low-level Pokemon (er...a low-level Pokemon and a surprising Rattata!), so it really didn't need that grand of a writing style. The Pokemon didn't just sit there and wait for their trainer's commands. They were active and reacted to what was going on in the battle.

I agree! It makes no sense to have Pokemon just waiting around. They have emotions to: they get angry, try to retaliate on their own.

And I have to say that I enjoyed the "and she was very, very angry" line. Yes, you should have showed that little Shroomish glare that fits the Pokemon so well, but I personally loved that little line.

This was just a fun chapter, and as you can tell from my review, I just enjoy this fanfic. Really hoping for more. And thanks for the VM, by the way. Definitely keep me on an update list.

Will do! Glad you enjoyerokwflka P= I ONCE WAS A TEENAGED TACO YAY

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First part the interaction between Chris and Bosca is sweet. Nice of him to let her enjoy the sunlight. :3

The scene with Professor Elm scene is nicely done. Like Astinus, I too love to see more of the incident at the lab unfold. Not only that, I particularly like how you didn't describe what Professor Elm saw (Ian's dead body I presume). Leaves suspense and also is a nice way of showing just how horrific the sight he just saw.

Hahaha, Joey and his Rattata. I love your take on him as he maybe very proud of his Pokemon, but still acknowledges someone able to beat him in battle. The battle itself I thought is quite good, short but sweet. Real quick, the gray blood reference is Bosca's Effect Spore? If so, nice use of that ability.

After battle, I can't help but chuckle at the both of them calling one another like that. Kinda cute, haha.

Only thing is there are some instances where you can show Bosca's reactions and not tell. I'll give an example.

Bosca immediately looked nervous. Chris could sympathize.

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This part I feel you could show how Bosca is nervous, like her body twitching or a squeak coming out from her. You don't have to go all out on the description, just mention an action or two to show her nervousness. The "she looked very, very angry" line Astinus and bobandbill mentioned though I think you should leave it as it is. Leave the readers to imagine how angry she is. :P

Overall, really nice chapter here! Looking forward to how Chris and Joey will get along while they travel together!

Bay Alexison said:

First part the interaction between Chris and Bosca is sweet. Nice of him to let her enjoy the sunlight. :3

Thank ya. :3

The scene with Professor Elm scene is nicely done. Like Astinus, I too love to see more of the incident at the lab unfold. Not only that, I particularly like how you didn't describe what Professor Elm saw (Ian's dead body I presume). Leaves suspense and also is a nice way of showing just how horrific the sight he just saw.

I leave that for the reader to decide! But it's pretty obvious, really, if you read the last chapter.

Hahaha, Joey and his Rattata. I love your take on him as he maybe very proud of his Pokemon, but still acknowledges someone able to beat him in battle. The battle itself I thought is quite good, short but sweet. Real quick, the gray blood reference is Bosca's Effect Spore? If so, nice use of that ability.

SOMEONE GOT IT. HALLELUJAH! Yes, it's Bosca Effect Spore. You might see the blood yellow or purpose next time she bleeds. ;o

After battle, I can't help but chuckle at the both of them calling one another like that. Kinda cute, haha.

I loved the scene the moment I thought of it.

Only thing is there are some instances where you can show Bosca's reactions and not tell. I'll give an example.

Got'cha.

This part I feel you could show how Bosca is nervous, like her body twitching or a squeak coming out from her. You don't have to go all out on the description, just mention an action or two to show her nervousness. The "she looked very, very angry" line Astinus and bobandbill mentioned though I think you should leave it as it is. Leave the readers to imagine how angry she is. :P

Overall, really nice chapter here! Looking forward to how Chris and Joey will get along while they travel together!

Thanks! I'm glad you enjoyed it.

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Comments in bold, as always. Thanks for the review!

Heh, I noticed the Effect Spore too but didn't comment so Bay can still say she's the first. =p (I had been wondering when that ability would come into play though).

The sun shone down upon him, its rays meeting him and shaking his hand; the wind was gentle, a cool, refreshing breeze; and of course, the infamous green-dotted yellow Pokemon called Bosca riding on his shoulder.

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I suggest adding in a 'was' in-between Bosca and riding.

Eh. It's my personal opinion here getting in the way of a suggestion for once - it sounds better like it is, at least to me, so unless it's gramatically incorrect... =/

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I wouldn't say it's grammatically incorrect, but it seems better to me with it given the sentence already described some things in the past tense especially with a was already there earlier (shone down, wind was cool) - without it, it seems a bit too much of a jump from how the rest of the sentence was worded. But hey, people have different opinions so this is merely my two cents. =p

Also noticed that the latter part of chapter one seems to have some spacing issues now - it happens but you might want to fix it.

Just read chapter three, and I'm pleased to say that I found it delightful. :) I'm liking Chris more and more as a character; he's an easy-going soul. The whole Pokemon-is-uneasy-at-first-but-gets-used-to-trainer-really-quick thing is a frequently used trope, but in this case I think it'd be unrealistic for Shroomish not to warm up to Chris so fast. He's just too likable. Not in a Mary Sue kind of way, either, but just by being pleasant.

Joey is another nice character. He's a good example of making a well realized character out of a simple archetype (the Youngster class, in this case). I thought the "top percentage of Pokemon" line was particularly nice. It's exactly the kind of thing a little kid would say when he wants to sound knowledgeable, even if he doesn't exactly know what he's talking about. His reaction to losing the fight was also well-handled. He's a good sport, but still a kid, and just a little indignant. And, as others have said, the phone call at the end was just too cute.

But alas, there is one nitpick that I feel the need to mention, though I hate to do so with such a nice chapter.

and stared at the scene in front of him with horrified awe.

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This may be just me, but I don't think the word "awe" is the most appropriate to use there. Its connotation with prayer and reverence is stronger than its connotation with fear, so I found the effect a little off. I would replace "with horrified awe" with just "in horror," or something similar.

Other than that, I have no complaints. I'm looking forward to learning whether Ian can be saved, and what kind of adventures Chris and Joey get themselves into!

EDIT:

Length wasn't a problem at all. Just go with what's best for the story!