Age 24
Seen 26 Minutes Ago
Posted 26 Minutes Ago
20,679 posts
7.6 Years
After reading Chapter Four, I'm realising that your story would be better without the Utlra wormhole subplot. It feels kind of tacked on and unnecessary at this point for a story that seems meant to be focused around Grimsley and Nanu's personal growth. Maybe this is just me personally but I'm enjoying Nanu and Grimsley's story a lot without the game plot interfering with it.

You were also right that the chapter was too long. It would have been better to do the desert as a separate chapter to the rest. I will continue to praise you on how you handle characterisation though and also on the description of the desert because that drew me in and felt very real. I could practically taste the sand myself.