Strategies and behaviour

We all have people that we, uh, 'care' for. In that way. That special way that is more heartache than happiness, even if its the juvenile strain usually suffered by adolescents and the children who develop crushes on them. A lot of misery all round. Scarcely worth the midnight anxiety attacks.

What I'm asking is how do you go about procuring the people you're interested in? Trying to court them, in other words. What is your behaviour? What is your success rate? Or are you, like so many of us, too shy?

honestly i dont have lots of advice in this as my relationship is long distance. but i just be myself. i dunno. with the man i am dating right now (and will be forever most likely), we just unexpectedly started messaging each other unexpectedly and it picked up from there. so i dont have a lot of advice in pursuing your crush or interest.

just be yourself i guess.

What hoshiko said is correct - the best thing you can do is be you. The last thing you want is to put up a false image, and then for it to basically...crack after a few weeks/months of dating. I dated a guy long distance for about a year, and then he moved to be near me, and...it felt like I was dating a completely different person. I'm not sure what it was, but he was just...super different. We wound up breaking up about a year later.

Tl;dr: be yourself.

For me, as far as dating goes, I'm not like too shy. I wasn't too nervous to approach people at bars..but, tbh a lot of my dating was initiated on online apps [e.g. Christian Mingle, Farmers Only, Tinder, Grindr, etc.]

I just tell them, I'm actually pretty brave.
But no one ever likes me back, I've been rejected a lot. It's not their fault though, I'm not a very attractive person appearance or personality wise.
But I can only work to get better.

While I don't have any success story to tell, there's at least a couple things that I managed to figure out over the years.

First, when people talk about "being yourself" they mean "having a personality". Way too often I've seen people (and I'm including myself as well) who where just following groups, but if you try and approach them, they don't end up being able to get into a discussion and seem to be more interested into not being alone and it just so happened that they found that group.

Second, if you have a personality, then you have something you're passionate about. Chances are, if you're passionate about something, then there's likely someone else who is passionate about the same thing. So if you two meet up and get into a discussion about that topic, then you've pretty much won.

Third, something that has an impact, but is practically impossible to control is simply luck. A lot of success stories are based around luck. If someone found themselves in a favorable position (be that money, love or friendship) one of the main factors was that they just happened to be at the right time at the right spot. That's one of the reasons why you should be careful when asking successful people about advise (you probably have heard the term "survivership bias" before).

It boils down to finding yourself and then just lucking out, I guess.

People often say I'm charming - people who are older than me, and smile at me like they're toothless old people and I'm a baby in a crib. Or they sort of... stare. From across the room. For prolonged periods. Young people, however, are utterly oblivious. I'd smack them but I won't.

I've had the chance to chat a few souls up, souls that I was fanatically dedicated to, but those chances were flouted out of cowardice. The cursed status quo! Blegh. So I usually keep my distance. Grin when talked to. Nod enthusiastically. Try and say 'god i love you' with my eyes. Doesn't work.

Whenever I see the northern Italian waitress who I adore - not necessarily in a romantic way but with an artiste's appreciation - I am exactly like this:


Pathetic. I want to write her a song and scream it out during her shift while stylishly clinching a guitar. Failing that, I want to tell her she's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen in my life and that I hope that she never settles for anyone who doesn't deserve her. A bit creepy, that. Especially since I'm just the outwardly dull, half-deaf weirdo who drinks her coffee and smiles at her too much... from across the room... for prolonged periods...
Sigh.

But when I eventually initiate Stud Mode, I am going to be myself all the way. Wouldn't want them to think that I have a genuinely shy personality, and that once acquaintance-ship is pierced that I'll be the bashful type forevermore. Hah! Biff Tanner is closer to the mark.

So yes. It goes like this: bashful > awkward and difficult to understand > anxious > mentally snapping, being fucking insane and hyperactive > comfortable > draping feet over prospective mate > hugging them out of nowhere and choking them with every opportunity > killing them and storing them in a jar of vinegar so I can look at them all day. The circle of love... ah!