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Old November 23rd, 2018 (5:18 AM). Edited 2 Weeks Ago by P-K-123.
P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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    So I had this idea before "Pokemon: Let's Go Pikachu/Eevee!", about the return of Team Rocket and Mewtwo. It takes place a few years after the events of Gold. Red's fight against Team Rocket has changed Kanto forever, but Giovanni has gone away...and finally, his evil plan comes into fruition, as a new generation Trainer sets out into the world of Pokemon...
    That's the premise. Just posting this just in case anyone gets confused.

    Chapter 1: Another New Day

    The region of Kanto welcomed another morning the sun had brought, the warm rays blessing the people down below. It was like as if the land was trying to wash away its dark history with the infinite, gleaming light of the sun. Even though Red had removed the bane called Team Rocket several years ago, people could not simply let go-no, more like, they refused to let go. Because so much had been lost to them. The pokemon that got taken away from their owners, and those who died while going against Team Rocket...forgetting them would be like defacing their honor. However the young ones who see the future ahead of them must move on. And today, another child was about to begin his journey to adulthood, with a friend who he will form a lifelong bond with.

    In a small two-story house in Viridian City, a 10-year old boy was already up in the morning unlike other boys of his age. The boy's short, black hair rustled from the morning wind, as he donned a red-orange vest over his attire of a white t-shirt and cobalt blue jeans. Putting his feet inside his white sneakers, he tightly pulled the strings of his shoes together into a knot, the sudden jolting pain confirming that his shoes were firmly attached to his feet now.

    "Lee! Are you done ?"

    "I've just finished, mom, I'll be down in a second!"

    Lee combed his black hair down, before picking up his glasses from his desk. His pupils struggled to match its focus with the glass before stabilizing onto the sight. Then he picked up his green trucker cap, pushing it down until it fit onto his head. A quick look in the mirror and he smiled-perfect, ready for the adventure ahead of him. Picking up his yellow bag, he wore it on his shoulders, the weight pressing onto his shoulders.
    Before he went, he looked a bit into the poster of Red at his room: the legendary pokemon trainer and Pokemon League champion, Red. For Lee though, he was more than just an awesome hero. he was his role model, a blessing to the pokemon world, the messianic hero that saved Kanto from Team Rocket. But like all heroes, problems arise: He let Giovanni go. He kidnapped, sold, even KILLED pokemon, and Red let him get away. And it was time for someone to finish the job.
    And now that meant Lee himself.

    Opening the door of his room, the trainer walked down the stairs, his mother waiting down for him at the bottom. The boy flinched as his mother sprayed him with Repel.

    “There you go, honey. Please be careful of wild Pokemon,” She said with concern on her face before revealing she was holding what appeared to be a box full of items, “I’ll give you some extra repels just in case.”

    A quick zip of the bag, and his load felt heavier. But it was given to him for a good purpose-with love from his mom

    "Thanks mom." Lee hugged his mother.

    "Good luck with your starter Pokemon, honey."

    He nodded and opened the door of the house, waving to his mom before looking at the road ahead of him. Heading out of town, he passed the newly renovated Viridian City Gym, thinking about how that place was once a site where Red beat Giovanni. Whoever assigned that scumbag of a man as gym leader was a total idiot. The boy thought to himself, going down to Route 1. The repel should work against the wild Pokemon. But what will I pick? I can't rely on repels forever. Charmander? First two gyms are too unforgiving. Bulbasaur? The poison type gym is going to get me. Squirtle? There's the grass-type gym. And what would I catch...ahh, not the time Lee, not the time. Maybe after getting the starter.

    Walking down the dirt road and through the patches of grass, Lee's thoughts were broken up by a phone call. Taking it out of his pocket, he looked at the screen to see "BFF" on his cell phone, a call which he immediately accepted.

    "Hey! Gray, what's up?"

    "Hey Lee! You know what day it is, I'm so hyped right now! Today's the day we begin the hunt for Giovanni, buddy! You'd better hurry, I chose my starter and I have the urge to take the remaining two!"

    "Wait, you chose your starter? Didn't we-"


    Dang it, Gray. Lee thought to himself. A friend that likes to kick you in the rear for fun with actually good intentions-he's the asswipe you weirdly can't hate. But taking the starter by himself? When they promised that they would choose together? Unacceptable! He started walking faster, before going into a full sprint to Pallet town.


    Pallet Town

    By now, Pallet Town had become a must-visit location for every pokemon trainer, every Red fanboy, even his rival Blue-well, it was his hometown too. Lee, going by all the people on the street, went into the pokemon lab.

    "Hey! I've been waiting for some time!" Gray shouted, holding one of the pokeballs.

    "Sorry...I woke up later than you." Lee muttered. "But I thought we were choosing together?"

    "Nope! The early Pidgeotto eats the berry!"

    "Well, I did come a bit late, but...uh..."

    ...And with that, his rebuttal ended. Gray wasn't wrong. He'd heard of a tale of a kid who overslept and ended up with a Pikachu.

    "Hello, kids!"

    "Professor Oak!" Lee turned to the familiar voice, the voice he had heard in television, videos, and audio tapes about Pokemon. The very best of the Professor batch.
    Professor Oak.

    "Welcome to my lab! Now, are you boys, or are you girls?"

    "What?" Lee said.

    "Just kidding! What's your name boy?"

    "It's Lee, Professor."

    "Ah, yes Lee...take a starter pokemon, your friend already took one." He said, pointing to the desk with only two pokeballs on it.

    Walking over to the desk, he started thinking again: maybe he should take Charmander just like Red, but the problem was he wasn't Red-he was just a rookie trainer, a weak hatchling, who didn't know how to beat Rock with Fire. So(with great regret), Lee picked up the ball...of Squirtle.

    "Great! Now you know what trainers do..." Gray said, poking him.

    "What? No! We can't do it here, don't you know about etiquette?"

    "Okay then...let's do it outside!

    "Hey, wait for me!"

    Lee followed his friend out the door and got into battle positions on the sidewalk. The two friends, looking at each other in the eye, both nodded at each others' consent. Curious bystanders gathered to look at the unfolding battle, as both children readied their Pokeballs.

    "As a trainer, I'm calling you out Lee! I challenge you to a Pokemon battle!"

    "Bring it!"
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    Old November 26th, 2018 (6:19 PM).
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    Hi there! Always nice to see new faces here. All right, onto the story!

    So far the prose is fine, and the beginning is okay. We get a bit of a glimpse of Lee interacting with his mother and Gray, which is cute.

    The main setback though is how you setup your premise. We got a little exposition on Red and Lee's thoughts of him, but that would be better shown than an info dump. For instance, you could have a scene where as Lee was getting ready he took a look at a poster of Red and maybe he glares at it or rips it off from the wall. That way, we're shown how much Lee is disappointed with Red and wants to take down Giovanni himself.

    So far you have the beginning be similar to the games that features Kanto. What I would like to see throughout this fic is how Red's actions from before affected Kanto as mentioned in your notes/summary. Maybe certain cities/businesses took a hit, maybe there's certain changes to the League due to what happened before, or some people that knew Red personally have similar feelings as Lee, that kind of thing. I might come back to check up on this every so often, so I wish you luck on the rest of the project!

    "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
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    Old November 26th, 2018 (7:17 PM).
    P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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      Thanks! But the thing is, Lee actually likes Red. He just finds that one fact disturbing. He wouldn't rip out the poster on his room, he doesn't hate him enough to do that.
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      Old November 26th, 2018 (8:22 PM). Edited 4 Weeks Ago by P-K-123.
      P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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        Chapter 2: Hard Start

        Trainer Gray wants to battle!

        "Go, Bulbasaur!"

        The ball was thrown into the air. There was no turning back now, as the Seed Pokemon had landed onto the ground.

        "Bulba, Bulbasaur!" Letting out a roar, Gray's Bulbasaur readied its vines.

        "Go, Squirtle!"

        "Squirtle!" The Tiny Turtle Pokemon popped out of its shell and got up on its feet.

        "Alright Bulbasaur, use Tackle!"

        "Withdraw, Squirtle! Then Tackle!"

        The little Squirtle hid in its shell and took the hit from Bulbasaur, as the shell ricocheted on a buidling wall and crashed into the enemy!

        "Keep going Squirtle!" Lee shouted out. "Use Tackle, but use your entire body!"

        "Watch out!" At Gray's word, his pokemon formed a defensive stance, blocking with his vines.

        Lee's pokemon nodded and squinted its eyes, focusing on the target that stood before him. Then he leapt at Bulbasaur, but the latter jumped away at the last second, making him flip backwards onto his shell!

        "Squirtle! No!"

        "Get him! use Tackle!"

        The plant dashed at the little turtle, who, seeing this, flipped himself as fast as he could, and in order to win his first battle and make his trainer happy...he started dashing too, and at full speed, they both collided head-on! Both pokemon were blown away from the crash, landing into their respective trainers' arms.

        "Hydro! You okay?"

        "Squirtle." The hurt pokemon nodded. This pokemon is really energetic!

        "No! I lost to you! How can this happen, I had the type advantage!" Gray shook the , who was shaking Poison Ivy, who had gone unconscious.

        "Now now, boys." Professor Oak patted both the boys in the back. "Your Pokemon has to grow up battling, or there will be no advantages. Let's get them healed inside, shall we?"


        The healing machine produced the ring that alerted those around it that the healing process was complete, and soon Professor Oak gave the kids their Pokemon, who were safely inside their Pokeballs.

        "Here you go boys, all healed!"

        "Thank you, professor." Both thanked the professor, and Lee tipped his hat too.

        "Well, I think you boys are very talented at Pokemon battling! Reminds me when I gave my grandson and Red their pokemons...hold on, what was my grandson's name?"

        "It's Blue, sir." Gray replied to the question, not impressed by the Professor's short memory.

        "Ah yes! Blue." Professor Oak scratched his head at the sudden information. "Anyway, would you boys like to nickname your Pokemon?"

        "Yes sir...Poison Ivy." Gray looked into his Bulbasaur's ball, looking at the pokemon that was nuzzling inside. "He's a Poison Type and Grass Type, no name suits him better."

        "Really? Cool. But I'm gonna tell it straight to my Pokemon, so he remembers well!"

        Lee pressed the button on his Pokeball, making his Squirtle come out.

        "Squirtle!" The Tiny Turtle Pokemon was swooped up by Lee, who nuzzled him.

        "Alright little guy, your new name will be...Hydro!"

        "Squirt, Squirtle!" The pokemon now known as Hydro happily clapped at his new nickname.

        "Say, could any one of you run an errand for me?"

        "I think we have the winner here." Gray said, getting up. "Lee, you beat me, so you do the job, okay?"

        Before Lee could say anything, Gray ran out the door and left him alone with the Professor.

        "Why am I friends with that guy again..." The trainer said to himself, shaking his head over the fact that he had been tricked twice by his own friend.

        "Don't worry, the task is simple. Could you go to the Poke Mart in Viridian City and get me the Pokedexes I ordered for new trainers like you?"

        "Sweet! Can I show my pokemon to my mom while I'm there? I live in Viridian City and..."

        "Take your time as long as you want, boy! Your mom will love the pokemon I gave you." Professor Oak looked at Lee again. "Say, what's your name again?"

        "It's Lee, sir."


        Viridian City

        Lee stepped into the house, with Hydro out of his ball tagging along with him for his mom to see. Also, he thought that giving his Pokemon an experience of the world would be beneficial.

        "Mom, I'm home!"

        "Oh, my little adventurer is back!" Lee's mom gladly replied to her son while coming down the stairs. She walked over to Lee, before looking down at the starter that the boy had picked for his adventure. "And you chose a Squirtle! How nice of Professor Oak to give him to you!"

        "Squirtle!" Hydro waved his hands at the mother of his master.

        "My little sweetie has become 10 years old..."

        Lee was hugged by his mom, and in response he hugged back-if he goes on an adventure it's gonna be a while until he can be hugged again.

        "You'll be leaving town after the errand, right?"

        "Nah, I'll come home mom. I can't just go without a goodbye."

        "Okay. Now that you're with your Pokemon, you should be safe wherever you go." Lee watched his mother look at Hydro like he was another son of hers. "But don't overdo it, both you and Squirtle."

        "You don't have to worry mom. Me and Hydro will make it through anything." Lee knelt down and with a quick grunt, picked Hydro up, who laughed a bit in joy. "We'll be safe."


        Lee could hear the box of pokedexes shake in his bag, as he and his pokemon walked down Route 1. The clerk said to him that Professor Oak recently ordered for more Pokedexes, something that was expected since now, new trainers were popping up like plant sprouts. Two of those numbers included him and his friend, and maybe one of them was going to accomplish something amazing...or so he hoped. The boy's train of thought stopped for a moment when Hydro tugged on his pant sleeve, who, as soon as the trainer turned his eye towards him, blew a bubble of water as to show his owner a trick.

        "That's cool, Hydro! You should totally use that in battle. Hey, we're almost at Pallet Town. After this we can go on an adventure, and make new friends for us both!"


        In its eager desire to become stronger, Hydro ran ahead of the owner and into the town.

        "Hey! Wait up!" Lee ran after Hydro into Pallet town, soon catching up with his pokemon by the side. But when he was passing by the two houses of Red and Blue, respectively, he heard a glass shatter. Then alarms blared.
        To Lee's horror, it was coming from the Pokemon Lab. Fear dominated both the boy and his Squirtle, as both ran toward the door of the lab and quickly went inside!


        "Lee! Just in time! This fiend is trying to steal my Charmander!"

        The Professor pointed at the thief - a young girl holding the last Pokeball, who had long hair dyed pink, its top covered by a white cap. She was wearing purple sneakers and black shorts, but the most obvious part of her clothing was a black tank top with a red 'R'-the dreaded logo of Team Rocket!

        "Stay out of my way, gramps!" The sudden arrival of Lee seemed to agitate the thief. "And you too! This pokemon is mine and you can't say anything! You know who my parents are? They work for Team Rocket!"

        "But...but Team Rocket disbanded like, years ago. What are you talking about?" Lee said, confused by what she was saying. It may have sounded scary several years ago, but now, with Team Rocket long gone, it seemed like she was bluffing or mentally unstable.

        "No! Dad says they're up and running again!...Argh, Forget about it! Prepare for trouble, make it-"

        "You're all alone, kiddo! Surrender now or prepare to fight! Get back Professor Oak, I got this!"

        Stupid Rocket Girl ??? Wants to Battle!

        "You know what? Let's fight! Go!" The girl tossed her Pokeball into the air, which popped and dropped the Charmander, who landed on its feet.


        The Charmander roared and took a look at the girl, before snarling at Hydro.

        "Oh boy..."

        Lee took a step back. Time for a battle.

        "Get him Hydro! Use the move you showed me, Bubble!"


        Hydro took the position in front of the Charizard, and spit out bubbles from his mouth, covering Charmander in bubble foam and weakening his fire!

        "Char?" Charmander looked at the bubbles, before getting confused and looking back at the girl.

        "No, no, no! Use Scratch!"

        "Nice try trying to look cool! Finish him!"

        The Tiny Turtle Pokemon nailed the finishing blow with a tackle by his shell, sending the Lizard Pokemon flying back into the desk, where the starters were before all three were taken.

        "Dammit! Charmander, return!" The girl looked at Lee, clearly frustrated that she lost the battle.

        "I won! Now give that pokemon back." Slowly walking towards the girl, Lee put his hand forward, motioning it to give back what she stole, and even his pokemon glared at the girl.

        "...You won't win like this next time!"

        "Next time? There won't be a next time if you don't-"

        The girl then suddenly pushed nearby Professor Oak into the wall! Lee tried to order his Pokemon to get her, but she crashed into the boy and he fell down onto the floor, and Hydro got kicked away like he was a soccer ball, hitting the wall in the process. The thief disappeared into the night with the stolen Charmander.

        "Oof! Ow..." Lee painfully got up, as Hydro painfully recovered from the kick too. "Professor, are you alright?"

        "I'm fine, Lee." Professor Oak muttered. "But that thief got away."

        "We'll get her Professor. In fact..." Lee picked up a glowing item from the ground: the girl's trainer card that the thief had dropped when she crashed with him!

        "...I think we know who she is now."
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        Old December 2nd, 2018 (5:33 PM).
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        I admit, I was a little worried at the beginning that your story will be almost the same as the games for a while. You then pulled a slight twist there with one of the Pokemon stolen, so I'm interested how you'll handle that situation now.

        One thing I would like to see is the reaction to the bystanders that you mentioned from last chapter. I'm not sure how many people you imagined were watching, but I'm assuming there's a few at least. Maybe they were very interested in that battle, or they only watched a little of it due to them being beginning trainers. But yeah, a smudge bit of that description of that would probably be nice.

        A couple quick positives. I chuckled at when Oak forgot both Blue and Lee's name, it's pretty much a running meme now. I also like that your'e giving Hydro a bit of personality there, having him doing some cute things like making bubbles and also having similar reactions to Lee.

        "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
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        Old 4 Weeks Ago (6:51 AM).
        P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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          Chapter 3: The Road Ahead

          Professor Oak's Laboratory

          Lee had never seen so many police officers in his life. But it was understandable-first sign of Team Rocket, several years after they had been eradicated. From what the cops found out from the Trainer Card and testimony from both witnesses(and him), the girl's name was Belle, whose parents disappeared months ago without a trace. Lee walked over to Professor Oak, who just finished talking to an officer.

          "Are you alright, professor?" Lee spoke to Professor Oak, with Hydro in his arms.

          "Not quite, Lee, this is a disaster, one of my Pokemon's not the best time to ask, but did you get the parcel I requested?"

          "Ah, Here it is, Professor..."

          Unzipping his bag, Lee pulled out the parcel and gave it to the Professor, who cut it open with a cutter knife.

          "Thank you, looks like this is the only good news for today, after all that's happened...but just as I promised, here's your Pokedex. Also, have an extra one, give it to your friend."

          "Thank you, sir." Lee put the Pokedex for Gray in his bag, and pressed the power button on his Dex. The blue screen soon lit up, welcoming the user.

          "Hydro, look!" Lee showed the screen to his Squirtle, as the Pokedex began a scanning process to identify the Pokemon and give out information.

          Squirtle, Tiny Turtle Pokemon. After birth, its back swells and hardens into a shell. Powerfully sprays foam from its mouth.

          "Squirtle, squirtle!" Hydro clapped at the screen which featured him and looked into it out of fascination, before the turtle Pokemon's owner closed it and put it in his bag.

          "We're ready Hydro...but first, let's get back home."


          Walking back to Viridian City, the boy thought about all the things that had happened on this day: he just starts his adventure and a girl steals a starter, claiming to be from Team Rocket? This doesn't make sense, something was going on-something he had no idea with. He decided to rest his mind for a bit as the boy opened the door to his home, but peace was quickly broken when his mom came running out of the door.

          "Oh thank god! I heard what happened at the lab, are you okay?" The panicked mother looked at her son, checking for signs of injury.

          "I'm fine mom, don't worry. I can look out for myself now that I have my pokemon."

          "Thank goodness for your'll be leaving soon, right?"

          "Yeah. Gray left without picking up his Pokedex. I gotta catch up with him, mom."

          "Alright. Just call home often, okay?" The mother hugged her son tightly, before slowly letting go. "And, when all this is over..."

          "Don't worry mom, I'll be back before you can say 'Pokemon'!" Lee now looked down at his little Squirtle, who gave a big hug to Lee's mother on the leg, and nodded back at his trainer.

          "Alright, Let's go, Hydro."


          The child and his Squirtle ran into the sunset, as the mother said "Pokemon" silently, then wiped tears from her eyes, turning away so her child could not see her crying...
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          Old 4 Weeks Ago (7:40 PM).
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          That very last sentence in that chapter I think would work better as two sentences as you have a lot going on there in one sentence. A minor suggestion, though!

          Compare to last chapter, this one doesn't have too much going on as it's just Lee checking up on Oak and saying goodbye to mom. Nothing wrong with that as those events would happen naturally after the stealing incident. In any case, Hydro is still cute and looking forward to what happens next.

          "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
          Foul Play [Chapter Six up!]
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          Old 3 Weeks Ago (2:13 AM). Edited 2 Weeks Ago by P-K-123.
          P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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            Chapter 4: First Night, Second Day

            Viridian Forest

            The moon hung high above the night sky, coating Viridian Forest with its icing of moonlight. Trainers, in this case, knew not to continue because a place like this was dangerous at night. The 10 year old boy set up his sleeping bag on the grass, before untying his shoes and laying down to sleep. Lee sighed at the thought of sleeping outside, without his mom...but then he remembered, he wasn't alone.

            "Hydro, do you wanna sleep with me?"


            The little Squirtle jumped into the bag with him, and the boy zipped up the sleeping bag to cover both of them. With his Pokemon, Lee felt safe-whether the scary thing be the darkness or ferocious pokemon, he could protect himself now, with his friend. Closing his eyes, Lee hugged Hydro tight like he was a doll, and the little turtle pokemon hugged back.

            "Do you like adventuring with me, Hydro?" Lee hugged his little Pokemon tighter.

            "Squirtle, Squirtle!"

            "Yeah, that's my little turtle I chose...good night."

            The boy fell asleep petting his Little Turtle Pokemon, as the stars shone above them as if to give them a beautiful first night.


            It wasn't the morning that awakened Lee-rather, it was a Caterpie that crawled up the trainer's face, who crawled on it for some time. When the boy woke up, he screamed in horror at the insect Pokemon, and the surprised Caterpie ran away.

            "Squirtle!" In an instinct to protect his owner, Hydro tried to use Bubble on it before it escaped!

            "No! Leave it alone Hydro! It's probably mistaken me for something else." Ordered Lee, as he got out of the sleeping bag and started packing up his stuff. "No reason to get too excited Hydro, stay calm now..."

            He zipped up the bag and got back on his feet, the bag pressing down on his shoulders again. It's time to keep moving again. With his trusty Squirtle in tow, Lee started walking again, to get back to his friend and to get out of the forest, which just looked disgusting with all the Bug-type pokemon crawling around. Some minutes later, Lee could see a human figure throwing a Pokeball at a Weedle, shouting in a voice he recognized immediately. The boy saw the Hairy Bug Pokemon stab the Bulbasaur and run away, with the disappointed figure turning to Lee's direction.

            "Hey Gray! It's me, Lee!"

            "Hey Buddy!" Gray quickly picked up Poison Ivy and walked over to his friend. "You're pretty quick, catching up to me."

            "One question: Why were you trying to catch a Weedle? Bugs are pretty useless, you know."

            "That could have been my first pokemon catch, but I haven't had much luck. What about you? Oh wait, You don't have any pokeballs, do you?"

            "Well, you don't have a Pokedex, ya idiot. Here you go."

            Lee opened his bag, handing the other Pokedex meant for Gray.

            "Thanks, man! You're a lifesaver!" The brown-haired trainer looked at the device closely before putting it in his back. "Looks like I was the idiot that didn't know what I was doing. I'll give you some of my Pokeballs! Just weaken the pokemon you're gonna catch and throw them."

            "Right...thanks." Lee grasped the Pokeballs he was given, before giving one of them a practice swing. Handles nicely, these new Pokeballs-compared to clunky old ones. "Wanna go to Pewter City together?"

            "Follow me, I know the way out. Let's go, Poison Ivy!"


            "We're following this guy, Hydro!"



            Pewter City

            Lee was surprised at how much Pewter City had changed. Having only seen old photos of Red's time, he thought that cities wouldn't have changed that much in just a few years. Boy, was he wrong-from a small town to a bustling metropolis, Pewter City had grown into a small city rivaling Celadon City. The museum was also now a full-scale fossil research lab, and the gym was renovated to house all the new rock types. All thanks to no Team Rocket, to disturb a change like this.

            "Well, I'm going straight to the gym," Gray turned to Lee, now that both friends would be free to explore the city. "You?"

            "I'm going check out the Pewter Museum of Science. I always wanted to go there, see the fossils, you know?"

            "Take your time, buddy! Hey, and when you get the first badge from Brock, let's battle at Route 3, and we'll see a difference in training skill!"

            "Right, see you soon."

            Lee waved bye at Gray, and Into the museum he went, with Hydro following him eagerly. What would be waiting for him inside? He didn’t know what to expect in the museum, but he knew it would be interesting all the same...
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            Old 2 Weeks Ago (8:53 PM).
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            Okay, Lee not liking bugs is kinda amusing. Wonder if he'll react the same way if he encounters the bug trainers.

            Hm, I feel like there should be more happening this chapter. Lee and Hydro sleeping together is cute, but I think Lee having a conversation with Hydro and then they fall asleep might be much more adorable and have more intearction between the two. You can probably take more advantage of Lee's fight of bug types by having him stumbling upon more of them.

            Looking foward to what happens in Pewter Muesum, since it sounds like the plot will finally move forward once more.

            "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
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            Old 2 Weeks Ago (8:16 AM). Edited 2 Weeks Ago by P-K-123.
            P-K-123 P-K-123 is offline
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              Chapter 5: Museum Brawl

              The Pewter Museum of Science-a place where the latest technology is shown in the world of Pokemon. And it became Lee had come a bit late to the tech craze-he had to wait in line for some time before he was able to get to the counter.

              "Welcome to Pewter Museum of Science, sir! The admission fee is 50 Pokedollars." The clerk said to the boy, giving him a brochure covering the museum's current events.

              "Of course." The trainer gave a 50 Pokedollar bill.

              "Thank you sir, please enjoy yourself!"

              This month's Special Exhibit: Evolutionary Stones. That should be interesting. Lee folded the brochure and put it back in his pocket, as he climbed up the stairs to the 2nd floor, the special exhibit. He would have climbed up to 3rd floor if it wasn't closed to the public, due to fossils being extremely rare-but for now, if this kid had a rap sheet, his crime was an interest in all things new. After he was made to go through a body scan for anything suspicious inside his bag or pokeballs, Lee wandered around the exhibit looking if a Moon Stone was on the exhibit. But then, as he was looking into a Dusk Stone inside a case, he heard a weirdly familiar voice from the crowd, and it wasn't something that sounded pleasant.

              "Evolutionary stones, eh?...Well, they'd be good for the team. Maybe even upgrade every one of them into beasts...I'd better call the boss, hatch a heist plan."

              Hey...I recognize that voice, is that...? Turning his head to the voice, Lee gasped-it was that thief girl again! Pink hair, black t-top, with that stolen Charmander's ball on her belt, that Belle girl or something. Lee had to spring into action-before she got away again!

              "Hey! You! You're the girl that stole the Charmander from Professor Oak's lab!"

              "What the-!?" The girl turned around and Lee's suspicions proved correct-Belle immediately glared at him. "You again! I thought I had lost you!"

              "I'm not a guy that gives in that easy." Lee laughed a bit at his own comment before turning to the nearest museum employee. "Help! This girl is Team Rocket! Call the cops!"

              "Guess I'll have to shut your mouth! Go, Flame!" She said, thorinwg the ball with Charmander inside into the air.

              "Charmander!" The little fire lizard landed, as his tail flame immediately shot up at the sight of the enemy.

              Nicknames? A Team Rocket girl cares for her Pokemon? Lee was doubted by this sudden thought, but he stood firm nonetheless, pulling out a Pokeball from his bag for the moment!

              "Go get him, Hydro!" The ball was thrown by Lee at full speed, as Hydro shot out of the ball and crashed into the Charmander now nicknamed Flame!

              "Grr...Tactical as always! Alright Flame, use Metal Claw!"

              "Hydro, use Bubble!"

              Lee's Squirtle let out a beam of bubbles, which softened the Metal Claw's damage.

              "Flame, use Smokescreen!"

              At Belle's command, her Charmander puffed up smoke, and effectively blinded Hydro! The Fire Lizard Pokemon disappeared into the smoke...


              Hydro was confused, as he looked around for traces of the Charmander. He could see nothing, and suddenly he heard his trainer scream "Look out, Hydro! Behind you!" And at that moment, Flame landed a blow from the back, pinning him to the ground! The little turtle could only struggle.

              "Who's laughing now? Use Bite!"


              Flame's sharp teeth sunk into Hydro, as Hydro screamed in pain! And because he was immobile under the weight, Lee could do nothing but watch as Flame threatened to rip Hydro apart! Then all of a sudden, Hydro closed his eyes, before spitting out water into the air, which landed on Flame's tail, making him scream and fall off of him in pain!

              "He's learned Water Gun!" Shouted one of the onlookers. Lee realized that too-he had to use this new move, bubble won't do against a stronger enemy now.

              "Finish him! Water Gun, again!"

              Lee shouted, as a drizzle of water finished Flame's reign of terror.

              "Rrr...this isn't good! But I've got backup you...MOM! DAD!"

              "Yeah, go ahead!" Lee laughed at the call for help. "Go cry to your parents, why don't you, ya coward-"

              "Hold on, you! You think you can mess with Team Rocket and get away?"

              The boy froze when he actually heard a female voice: he turned around to see purple haired woman in a white-and-black Team Rocket uniform!

              "Especially, when you're messing with our daughter, you twerp!" Another man, who had a cap on, along with a black-and-white Team Rocket uniform.

              "What the!? What do you mean your 'daughter'!?" Lee exclaimed, confused at this sudden reveal of family relations.

              "Well, I think we should teach him who we are!" The man shouted out loud, before turning to his...wife? or that's what Lee assumed.

              "You go first, honey." The Rocket grunt took pose, next to his woman.

              "Prepare for trouble!" The woman exclaimed out first, striking a pose sliding onto her knees.

              "Make it double!" The man followed suit.

              "To protect the world from devastation!"

              "To unite all peoples within our nation!"

              "To denounce the evils of truth and love!"

              "To extend our reach to the stars above!"



              "Team Rocket, blasts off at the speed of light!"

              "Surrender now, or prepare to fight!"

              "Yeah, that's right!" Belle joined the two at the end.

              "Seriously!? You actually brought your parents into this!? You cheating bastards!" Lee curled his hands into a fist, angered at the lack of fair play the enemies were showing.

              "We're Team Rocket, foolish child!" The lady, whose name was Bonnie, spoke up. "We do anything to fool our enemies!"

              "And we never play fair, because fair players are the ones who lose!" The man, Clyde, pulled out a grenade, which froze everyone in sheer horror.

              "Whoa! W-what are you doing!? I-Is that a real-"

              Before Lee could say anything about all this, the pin fell to the ground with a clink, making everyone, including the boy, scream and cower down in fear.

              "We'll go away for now, pesky brat-but remember that you're never getting my daughter's Charmander back, fool!" Belle's father pointed at Lee, who looked up at the grunt in anger. "I'll deal with you personally next time you interfere with my daughter's business!"

              BOOM! Fortunately the grenade only produced a harmless layer of smoke, but the entire family of baddies had already disappeared when the haze cleared. Hydro growled and stomped the ground in anger, before his trainer put him back in his ball.

              No wonder that girl was so vulgar! The trainer bared his teeth, his anger rising as he thought of Belle. The whole family is a member of a crime syndicate! If I can't get back at some lowly grunts, I can kiss this vendetta against Giovanni goodbye! I'll get you all someday, you Pokemon-harassing jerks!
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              Old 1 Week Ago (10:45 AM).
              gimmepie's Avatar
              gimmepie gimmepie is offline
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              So after reading chapter one, I have some critique.

              Starting with the positives, I think you do a good job with descriptive language when setting a scene - such as with the first few lines. You immediately conjure up images of that first, warm sun in the early morning. I would however like to see this same descriptive emphasis applied when you describe physical objects. For the most part, you simply told us the colour of the item which after enough repetition can start to feel like reading a shopping list.

              You did a good job of establishing the sort of relationship Lee and Gray have through their short vocal exchange in the first segment. However, much like with the descriptive language, you need to work on applying this method of "show not tell" more broadly since much of the chapter's text felt more like an info dump than a strong narrative.

              Overall you've got some good beginnings for your writing in there that I would love to see you continue to improve on as you go to maximise the reader's engagement with your story.
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              Old 1 Week Ago (1:48 PM).
              Bay's Avatar
              Bay Bay is online now
              Darkinium Z
              Join Date: May 2006
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              All right I admit I didn't see Belle having her parents joining in heh. I'm a bit mixed Bonnie and Clyde seemingly like Jessie and James, so I hope they have different personalities from them. The battle itself could use a bit more touch up on the description, but is still good overall. Good on Hydro learning a new move!

              While the contents of this chapter works fine, I think it would benefit with more description of the atmosphere. Is the museum filled with a lot of patrons that day, for instance. At one point you had Lee asked one of the employees to call the police, but there's no mention of them rushing to the phone. Same goes with seems there's no reaction to the crowd upon Team Rocket entering.

              I'm also wondering when we'll get to finally see how the aftermath of Red and Team Rocket changed Kanto, both on micro and marco scale. I'm assuming though Belle with her parents foreshadows that, and if so am curious what role the family will have.

              "Meowth are all right. They don't care who you are or anything."
              Foul Play [Chapter Six up!]
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