Artificial

[Bay]

Okay, I managed to read this story in two days and just…wow. Now, I usually don't go for sci-fi stories because those tend to be just with a plot with something totally went wrong, aliens, and canons/lazers. XD; However, this is something, really.

You know, this story reminds me a lot like the movie "Artificial Intelligence," in which the main character in that movie wonders why he isn't loved anymore and tries to be human, like Anti. I have to say, you did pretty well portraying Anti's emotions on her love for Darius, her confusion on what she should do and where she belongs, and her thoughts on Margrave.

I also like the short interactions between Anti and Darius. Dare I say it, they sooo would look cute as a couple! :3 *gets shot by Anti's energy canon* Seriously though, the three scenes you showed well that the two cared for one another and enjoyed one another's company. Also, the scene where Darius did the video message for Anti, I can tell that he loved her (though more as a father/daughter type of love and not what Anti had in mind…*gets shot by Anit's energy canon AGAIN D: * )

The ending, gotta say that I like it a lot too. Anti going all crazy at Margrave's lab and at the soliders, haha nice. :P And also, LOVE, LOVE the last lines. Haha, I would expect something cheesy like, "I'll find you Darius, no matter what," but you have the last lines be, "Damn it Darius, I want to see you." BEST LINES IN A SEMI-ROMANCE STORY, PERIOD. :p

Okay, fangirling aside, time for some criticism. D: First off, I wonder why Tyson came to Anti in the first place. I think it's mentioned before, but can't find it. >.> I guess it has something to do with Darius wanting Anti to be activated again after fifty years?

Second thing is why couldn't Margrave just activate Anti after he killed Darius? Why he waited until seven years later?

Another thing I want to mention is the parts where Margrave's daughter said her father killed Darius and where Margrave confessed to doing it. I thought those parts were slightly rushed. I'm left wondering how the daughter knew about it and also Margrave didn't fully explain a few things. How he killed Darius? What happened to Darius' body (if Margrave did hid it)? And again, why he waited seven years until to deal with Anti? *gets shot, but NOT by Anti*

Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot. :3 There are a few things off I think are plotholes, but then again I might missed a few things here. Either way, my minor criticisms aren't compared to how much I think this story rocks. :3 Great job finishing this. ^^

 

[Misheard Whisper]

Okay, I managed to read this story in two days and just…wow. Now, I usually don't go for sci-fi stories because those tend to be just with a plot with something totally went wrong, aliens, and canons/lazers. XD; However, this is something, really.

You know, this story reminds me a lot like the movie "Artificial Intelligence," in which the main character in that movie wonders why he isn't loved anymore and tries to be human, like Anti. I have to say, you did pretty well portraying Anti's emotions on her love for Darius, her confusion on what she should do and where she belongs, and her thoughts on Margrave.

Hmm, OK. I might watch that as research, cos I can't say I've heard of it. I'll at the very least find a summary and read it.

And the emotions were a touchy thing for me as well. I'm not good with feelings, as I'm not overly emotional myself. Fun fact: Almost my entire knowledge of love comes from reading novels, various manga and Shakespeare. :>

I also like the short interactions between Anti and Darius. Dare I say it, they sooo would look cute as a couple! :3 *gets shot by Anti's energy canon* Seriously though, the three scenes you showed well that the two cared for one another and enjoyed one another's company. Also, the scene where Darius did the video message for Anti, I can tell that he loved her (though more as a father/daughter type of love and not what Anti had in mind…*gets shot by Anit's energy canon AGAIN D: * )

Well, that's good. That's what those scenes were intended to convey. I may spread them out a bit more in the final revision, though.

The ending, gotta say that I like it a lot too. Anti going all crazy at Margrave's lab and at the soliders, haha nice. :P And also, LOVE, LOVE the last lines. Haha, I would expect something cheesy like, "I'll find you Darius, no matter what," but you have the last lines be, "Damn it Darius, I want to see you." BEST LINES IN A SEMI-ROMANCE STORY, PERIOD. :p

OK . . . interesting. I was actually a bit iffy on using that line, as I thought it might have been a bit light-hearted, but it seems it works, so I'll leave it for now at least.

Okay, fangirling aside, time for some criticism. D: First off, I wonder why Tyson came to Anti in the first place. I think it's mentioned before, but can't find it. >.> I guess it has something to do with Darius wanting Anti to be activated again after fifty years?

Humm, hurr, I thought I'd put that in. @_@ Anyway, yeah. Tyson works nearby - perhaps even on the ground floor above - and he has a thingy that's hooked up to Anti (as evidenced by his 'HOLY CRAP WHAT'S GOING ON' comments before she breaks out). I'll put that in/make it clearer in the revision.

Second thing is why couldn't Margrave just activate Anti after he killed Darius? Why he waited until seven years later?

Technically, Anti didn't exist. Darius was supposed to destroy her after she killed that woman. Margrave had had a rivalry (which may be explained in a sequel/prequel thing) with Darius, eventually leading to him killing Darius. This is how he knew about Anti. When he picked up Anti's signal in Darius' old lab, he put two and two together and made four, and got over there straight away.

Another thing I want to mention is the parts where Margrave's daughter said her father killed Darius and where Margrave confessed to doing it. I thought those parts were slightly rushed. I'm left wondering how the daughter knew about it and also Margrave didn't fully explain a few things. How he killed Darius? What happened to Darius' body (if Margrave did hid it)? And again, why he waited seven years until to deal with Anti? *gets shot, but NOT by Anti*

Hmm, yes, this part killed me to write. I wanted to put it all in, but there just didn't seem to be a comfortable way to work it into the dialogue. I've just thought of a way to do it, though, so I'll put that in the revision too. And, yeah, Cecily's character needs to be majorly expanded. I'm even thinking of giving her an age bump of about eight years and a rebellious streak towards her father, rather than the 'wow it's a robot' little kid who just blurts things out.
​

Overall, I enjoyed this story a lot. :3 There are a few things off I think are plotholes, but then again I might missed a few things here. Either way, my minor criticisms aren't compared to how much I think this story rocks. :3 Great job finishing this. ^^

I am so glad you liked it. :D

 

[Miz en Scène]

I know I haven't reviewed Artificial as often as I should and also never at PC, but I've been busy helping other budding writers and you know, you've been getting reviews so I thought you were fine for a while. Then, since this is your finale I thought I might drop by a review highlighting every single thing I thought about Artificial. I won't touch on grammar because I have other things to do and I trust you with that so I'll just do some plot and character stuff. I hope that's okay with you. Also, I might be delving deep into hard criticism since you're perfect in most other aspects so you deserve something better since you've sort of proven yourself and you need it to better yourself anyway. :P

Anyway, first off, I'd like to point out that I don't really consider Artificial hard SF because obviously, we need a really detailed explanation of how a robot could gain emotions. So in that aspect, I consider it soft, somewhere in the middle SF where you allude to science here and there, but it isn't the basis of Anti's existence. I'm leaning more towards a 'ghost in the machine' type thing where her brain develops a soul gradually on its own due to evolving into something more complex over time. As you know I'm a very practical person, I can accept that you used love as Anti's motivation, but I'm still a bit apprehensive about how she acts at the beginning of the story and how she acts at the end of the series. Her personality seems a bit childlike at the beginning and she doesn't seem to understand humans and how to react to them as opposed to at the end where her personality is a tad snappy/snarky and she can reply with basic sarcasm. This evolution seems to take place over her stasis period in which she wallows in her own thoughts and then she emerges her personality has changed to what I just mentioned. Granted, she is a learning robot, but she was in stasis so she wasn't really able to process any thought so this leads me to wonder how she can think at all. This also links to me mentioning the 'ghost in the machine' thing so that might explain it and she might get to see Darius in the afterlife after all. :D

Oh, but if the story takes place where retribution for sins is present, I doubt she'd be able to make it to where Darius is anyway after the massacre. Unless she was mad and the judgement took that into account…

Some other things I also considered was how Margrave's daughter was able to come up with an explanation as to what emotions were. I mean, almost every SF story that deals with this has the naïve child tell the robot that it's in the eyes or something along those lines. I'm not saying it's a bad thing no, but this also led me to wonder what would trigger a child to actually ask that question to her father if robots in the world you've created are mostly used for miscellanea rather than as living companions. It just seems weird that why a child would juxtapose a hulking piece of metal with a human. I could accept it if say, you had robots like Anti everywhere and the child was curious as to how it differed because the robots just seemed so human-like.

One thing I really loved was your description of the final battle. It was really well written what with the pieces of metal and the way you portrayed Anti's control over her body. Simply superb. XD

I have to say, regardless of all my criticism, this as to be one of the best SF love stories I've ever seen. SF Love story not love story, but it's still a high distinction regardless. Best love story was 5 Cm/Sec but that's beside the point.

Damn it, Darius, I want to see you.

I'm with Bay on this one. Best Ending Lines to a Love Story. Ever. Period. :3

 

[Misheard Whisper]

. . . Mizan, have I ever told you how much I love you? XD

Seriously, though, this is exactly why I post my attempts at writing on the Internet, and this is why something exists called a 'first draft'.

I'm not gonna go through and quote your whole post in chunks, because everything you've said is so true it's ridiculous. I'm going to use your review, along with Bay's, to base my revisions off, because all the things you've pointed out as weaknesses are just that, weaknesses.

One thing I will note is that I did really rush the part with Cecily. In the revision - like I briefly mentioned above - I'm going to give her an age boost, so that she has the intelligence to think about it and work it out for herself, rather than 'Daddy said this'. To tell the truth, that sequence felt awkward even as I was writing it, and I shouldn't have posted it like that. But I was tired n_n

And, yup, not hard sci-fi. The concept of artificial intelligence does intrigue me, but more on this kind of level (how emotions and things would be impacted by the owner being a robot) than on the 'how exactly does it work' level. The best I can hope for is to allude to it in ways that aren't totally wrong and show that I Did Not Do The Research.

I think what I did was I tried to fit a novel's worth of character development into a novella. In the revision (I keep talking about this revision - sounds like I'm making excuses) Anti will remain a lot more childlike and scared towards the end, perhaps beginning her rampage accidentally because she can't control her emotions and, therefore, her body. Or something. Will work on it.

One thing I really loved was your description of the final battle. It was really well written what with the pieces of metal and the way you portrayed Anti's control over her body. Simply superb. XD

I have to say, regardless of all my criticism, this as to be one of the best SF love stories I've ever seen. SF Love story not love story, but it's still a high distinction regardless. Best love story was 5 Cm/Sec but that's beside the point.

Quote:
Damn it, Darius, I want to see you.
I'm with Bay on this one. Best Ending Lines to a Love Story. Ever. Period. :3

Ah, thank you so much. And, huh, that line is oddly popular. :0

Thanks so much for reading! I promise not to disappoint with the final product!