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Bruno's Journey

  • 10,179
    Posts
    18
    Years
    • Age 37
    • Seen yesterday
    Hello there. I saw that you wanted to get some constructive reviews for your work, and I figured I would try to give you what you need. I was going to read your fic a while ago, but always ran out of time. But I just devoted some time to read it, and I think I can give you a good review.

    Grammar - A few typos in earlier chapters. I think one time you had "Timmy" when you actually meant "Bruno". Most of these typos could be found by reading over the chapter when you finish writing it and before you post it. There were also a few problems with the punctuation of dialog. Just check out the "Grammar Advice" link in my signature for an explanation.

    Description - Pretty good. You have paragraphs that are just description, instead of just relying on dialog to move your plot along.

    Characters - I must applaud you for giving Chimchar a personality. Hopefully, Zubat and the others will get their personalities, distancing them from the dreaded "Pokebot". The humans could do with a bit more fleshing out, like more of Bruno's personality. (To me, Timmy is the more interesting character. Hopefully, Bruno gets to shine soon.)

    Plot - So far, the evil team and the good team fighting has been done throughout history. But the Black Crusade could become different from what was seen before. It's too early to tell.

    That's my review so far. Early on in a fic, I focus more on the basic mechanics: grammar, description. Later on, I'll tell you how the other factions are doing. And I'll try to review after every chapter.
     

    Scytheteen

    What is mine is yours
  • 1,290
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • NY
    • Seen Jan 29, 2014
    zubat...hmmm thats not a pokemon used to much. i like it. right some more
     
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    Alright, here's Chapter 8. I'm sorry about the delay, and I hope that the preview held you over long enough. I'll try to post more often after I get the whole school pattern down. I'll try to have Chapter 9 posted sometime next week, if not sooner. Enjoy!

    Chapter 8
    Riaze

    Most of the smoke was now gone and Bruno could see the three teenagers faces quiet well. Not only were they shocked at the sight of Timmy, but they looked like they were pretty afraid of him. Bruno smiled, as Timmy spoke to the three members of The Black Crusade.

    "So you idiots finally caught up to me, huh?" He asked them, a stern expression set upon his face. "I sorta figured that you idiots were going to do something like this. Not that I mind. I actually prefer it this way. Instead of me chasing after you, you chase after me. Then I kick all three of your asses." Timmy said, chuckling softly to himself.

    A stunned look fell upon the three teenagers, as they all reached for their belts. Timmy did so as well, only he pulled out three Pokeballs instead of one. After all, one Pokemon against three was sort of against the odds.

    "We'll see who kicks who's ass." The underdeveloped girl said, tossing her Pokeball into the air first. The two boys followed after her, tossing their Pokeballs as well. The only person who hadn't sent out their Pokemon, was Timmy, who stood in the same place with a giant smile on his face, that stretched from one ear to another.

    The three Crusaders Pokemon finally appeared. They were all big black, scary looking dog Pokemon that Bruno had only ever seen on television. Gasping, he closed his eyes again, and prayed that whatever Pokemon Timmy chose to send out , were stronger than the dog Pokemon.

    Timmy still had the smile on his face, as he tossed the three Pokeballs into the air. They opened six feet above the ground, shedding red light onto the burnt glade-turned battlefield. Bruno only recognized two of the three Pokemon that Timmy had sent out to battle for him. Grotle and Heracross stood in what could only be called a battle stance, ready for whatever was thrown their way. The third Pokemon which Bruno didn't recognize, had spikes coming out of it's back and head. It had two claws on each hand, and a cream colored underbelly, which reminded Bruno of his Grandmother's grits.

    A growl pierced the silence.

    It was his stomach. Ignoring it, he watched through the bush, his heart beating a million times out of his chest. He wasn't sure he could take much more stress.

    The four figures, along with their Pokemon, stood still for quit some time, staring each other down.

    Then, in a blur of black fur and a yell from the underdeveloped Black Crusader, it happened. "Attack them now! Claw attack, all three of you! " She yelled.

    The black dog Pokemon sped forward, jumping into the air. The Spiky Pokemon and Grotle, lurched to the side, just as sharp fangs came ripping through the air. Heracross, who Timmy hadn't had the chance to train with yet, took the blow in the side. It fell over, struggling to get back up.

    Timmy, who Bruno had thought would be giving orders, stood stiff as a board with a smile on his face. Suddenly, Bruno understood. While Timmy had been training him the day before, he had explained that if a Pokemon were trained well enough, that it would begin to think the same way as you, while in battle. That was the whole reason for the training. By not giving your Pokemon commands in battle, your opponent wouldn't know how to counter-attack the moves, thus giving you an upper hand. Bruno felt like patting himself on the back for figuring it out by himself, but refrained from doing so. It wasn't an appropriate time to do so.

    As the dust from the claw attacks settled, Grotle spun around and began shooting razor sharp leaves at the dog Pokemon, which had attacked it. The dog winced and cried out as it fell to the ground, bleeding. Slowly the hulking form of Grotle ran forward and bit down hard on the exposed bleeding side of his opponent. Timmy's spike covered Pokemon retaliated as well, curling into a defensive, razor sharp ball, and colliding with it's opponent.

    Two out of the three Crusader's Pokemon now lay on the ground helpless. As if cheering a child on, two of them began yelling at their Pokemon.

    "Come on Mightyena! Get up!" One said.

    "Get up now Mightyena, you can do it!" The other said.

    Then, Timmy spoke for the first time, since the battle had begun. "Sandslash, to your left!"

    Just as Timmy spoke, the only Mightyena who was still standing, ran towards Sandslash, barking wildly. The spike Pokemon instinctively curled into it's ball once again, only this time it didn't move until Timmy yelled again. "Now!" He screamed.

    With all the speed it could muster, Sandslash broke into a roll straight towards the oncoming Mightyena. Even though the Mightyena saw it coming, it didn't have enough time to move out of the way, as Sandslash came barreling forward, crashing into it's strong legs. The Mightyena fell to the ground, wining as it's head hit the ground. There was a sudden snapping noise, and then the Pokemon was quiet. It just lay there, unconscious.

    Heracross stood there, confused as to what had just happened. It looked over to Timmy, who nodded his head in understanding. He doesn't know why the hell I didn't tell it what to do. Timmy thought to himself, pulling Heracross's Pokeball from his belt. He returned him to the safe confines of his spherical prison followed closely by Sandslash and Grotle. He stole a quick look over at the Crusaders, smiling in contempt.

    All of their faces held a frozen image of shock.

    "How did you defeat our Pokemon so easily without giving commands?" The underdeveloped girl asked.

    Timmy smiled to her and spoke softly, "Because your weak."

    A disgusted look replaced her expression of shock, as she tried to swallow.

    Far off to the west, a dull thud could be heard. Soon, it had become more persistent and much louder. The four teenagers stood there, quiet. The Black Crusaders knew what was going to happen, but Timmy had no idea. Suddenly, after the thud began to slowly transform into the sound of huge leathery wings soaring through the sky, a small dot appeared. All four teenagers looked up. Only Timmy's mouth was wide open, shock replacing the smile he had had on his face moments ago. Bruno cursed under his breath. He couldn't see anything because of the large trees covering his view. He sat quietly, all the while he could feel the low thud in his chance.

    As the dot became more apparent, and it had cleared from behind the trees, more dots appeared behind the first. Not just ten or twenty... over a hundred.

    "I thought Master Riaze was coming by himself." The boy to the right said to the other three. Timmy could hear in his voice, uncertainty. It didn't make him feel any better.

    As the four watched the dots lower themselves closer to the ground, Timmy noticed that all of the figures that had been following the first, all wore tight leather suites, just like the three that stood ten yards in front of him. Right then, he knew that this would be bad. In fact, he knew that he probably wouldn't survive the onslaught that was landing a couple hundred yards away.

    As they climbed lower to the ground, the beating of wings pushing dust and large gales of wind, pushed through the glade that the Crusaders and Timmy stood in. They had to hold their hands up over their eyes and mouth to protect from dirt finding it's way into the exposed cavities on their body. Bruno, who still sat behind the bush quickly pulled his hands away from holding it opened so he could see what was going on. Although the bush caught most of the dirt and debre that carried through the air, he still had to cup a hand over his face to protect his eyes and mouth.

    Then, just as fast at it had started, the wind died.

    Bruno sighed, as he took his first breath in almost forty seconds. It felt good to breath again. Bruno, who had been running scenarios through his mind, quickly came to the realization that there would be more Crusader's than there were then. Not only would Timmy be outnumbered four to one, if it was just Riaze who showed up, but the curly haired, freckled teenage boy had said something about their master coming by himself, which had to mean that there was more than just one other person with him. There had to be at least twenty Black Crusaders with him, to whip up a storm of wind like that.

    He quickly got up from were he was standing, whispering to himself, that he was doing the right thing. After all, Timmy had said to leave him to go warn his brother, no matter what.

    So, he did.

    With one last stolen glance, he looked over his shoulder. Then, with all the speed he could muster, Bruno ran up the path and over the hill. His chest burned with a thousand fires, but he kept running. I don't care if my lungs burst, I have to get the message to Eric before something bad happens to Timmy, Bruno kept telling himself, as he pushed himself further along the path.

    Then, just when he thought he couldn't take it any longer, his eyes began to close on him as the pain became unbearable. His legs were becoming stiff and sore by the second, making it hard for him to keep running. He knew that he had to be close to the main route that led into Jubilife City. If only he could go a little further...

    And then, it happened.

    His eyes still closed, he didn't see the figure jogging towards him, so instead of stopping he ran straight into the man. He fell hard on his butt, his eyes flying open. A noise, that sounded like a fish gulping for water out of the air, issued from Bruno's mouth. It was him trying to gasp while breathing heavily.

    He stared at the man's face in front of him.

    It was his brothers.

    It was Eric.


    Just as the wind had died, the tall, wide shouldered figure clad in a cloak the size of a blanket, strode through the trees. Timmy recognized the figure all to well. It was Riaze, second in command of The Black Crusade and behind him strode over a hundred men and women, some still teenagers like the three that stood with him in the glade, and others older than himself. The majority though, were adults.

    Timmy's hands began to form a thick coating of sweat that seemed to stick to his palms. No matter how many times he tried to wipe his hands off on his pants, the sweat came back seconds later. His throat became dry as well, constricted and hard for him to swallow. Something deep within him tried to make him turn and run, screaming bloody murder through the forest. It was the one thing he hated most in the world... the feeling of Fear.

    As Riaze and the Crusaders strode closer and closer to him, it only made things worse. Once Riaze was within ten yards of him, the three Crusaders who had just gotten their butt's handed to them by Timmy, pulled their Pokeballs from their belt and returned their unconscious Pokemon to their Pokeballs, and then with a quick jog, they made their way into the horde of Crusaders that followed Riaze.

    Every ten steps Riaze took closer to Timmy, twenty Timmy took backwards, until he forced himself to stop. If he wasn't going to have to fight all these people, he was damn sure not going to fight them while he stood in a corner, unable to move. Finally, Riaze stopped in front of Timmy, his shadowed face mere inches from the boys. Timmy could smell the man's sour rotten breath as he breathed it on his face. He tried with all his will power not to throw up on the cloaked man.

    Although Timmy couldn't see Riazes face through the shadows of the hood cast down upon his face, he knew what it looked like. Pock marked from third degree burns and scars from thin long blades covered the man's face, from forehead to mangy beard; from ear to ear. He tried to push the image out of his head, but he couldn't. Instead he watched Riaze's lips move as he whispered to him through the folds of darkness.

    "Ahhh... We meet again young Timmy Hayes. It wasn't so long ago that we spoke. Do you remember the occasion?" Riaze asked. Timmy could only nod his head, his throat to dry to even speak.

    "I thought so. Not many people can forget their fathers funerals. And especially since it was such a short time ago..." Riaze trailed off, "Again, my condolences to you and your family."

    Even though Timmy didn't want to reply, he did anyway's, "Thanks."

    The hood moved up and down, "Your welcome. After all, me and your father were close friends." Riaze said, jumping back onto track, "Which brings me to the reason we have all assembled here. Master has been kind enough to give you a choice. You may come with us, tell us all you know about your fathers little secret, or we can take you by force and take you back to H.Q. were Master will talk to you one-on-one about your fathers project. It's your choice, but either way we will have the information we need. Understand?"

    Timmy stared deep into Riaze's hood and smiled. He nodded his reply, before saying, "I understand one thing. You might get the information you seek, but The Resistance will be right behind me to get it back. Hide as much as you want, run as much as you want, sacrifice as many soldiers you think you need to in order to win, but know this: The Resistance won't stop until they know that you have been destroyed. Every last one of you leather clad freaks. Do you understand?" Timmy asked. He really hoped Bruno was behind the bush, listening to this. He could picture in his mind Bruno jumping up and running through the forest all the way to Jubilife City for help.

    Little did he know that reinforcements were already hidden behind the tree line, less than a hundred yards behind him, ready to strike at a moments notice.

    All for him.
     

    Scytheteen

    What is mine is yours
  • 1,290
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • NY
    • Seen Jan 29, 2014
    amazing, i just can't stop reading. I would like for the chapters to be a bit longer, but thats just me. =]
     
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    Seriously?

    I sorta thought that it was too much personally, but if you want more, and no one objects, then I will def. make the chapters longer. Thanks!

    PEACE
     
  • 9
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Dec 22, 2008
    Wow, just wow. This is so good! but I was surprized when he sent out Heracross seeing as it has no exp. Oh and one quistion did he send out sandslash as a sub for Heracross?
     
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    No. Timmy sent out all three at the same time. After all, it would rather unfair if it was two against three... even though it turned out to go that way. He sent out Heracross, knowing that he wouldn't be able to fight. It was his way of showing his Heracross that if he trained with him long enough, that he could fight without getting commands from Timmy.

    I hope this helps. Thanks all for the wicked comments and I will def. make chapter 9 longer. Chapter 9 will be call Reinforcements. Thanks!

    PEACE
     

    Scytheteen

    What is mine is yours
  • 1,290
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • NY
    • Seen Jan 29, 2014
    yeah that chapter was great, i'm just waiting to see what the reinforcements will do
     
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    LOL, don't worry, Bruno's time will come, just give it a while. you should see him battling and 'owning', in a few chapters.

    On another note, I'm still looking for filler characters, so if anyone is still interested, PM or E-mail me. Also, just because they will be filler doesn't mean they will be part of The Resistance, if you wish them to be, then please make sure you are clear about it, when telling me.

    Chapter 9 should be up very soon... I hope, so be patient! I'm trying to make this chapter a good, one. As many of you have told me you would like to see the chapter grow longer, I am striving for this in this chapter, so hopefully I can do it! Thanks again all, I greatly appreciate all the feedback!

    PEACE
     
  • 972
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Oct 12, 2009
    I love the story! But, still Zubat is pretty "iffy" to me. I just hope it evolves into a Crobat. Only then will it be cool enogh for my standards. Well, i think the chapters are long enough. I can be a pretty slow reader at times.:P Also, what do you mean by "fill-in characters"?
     
  • 9
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Dec 22, 2008
    I think he meant you make up your own character and pokemon and he will add him/her to the story. Hope there is a new chapter soon.
     
    Last edited:
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    BIG NEWS!

    Good news for all!

    This story will resume as soon as I finish chapter 9, which I everyone, including myself, have been waiting for!

    Please keep an opened eye on this thread, and I promise that you'll only have to wait a few more days!

    PEACE AND LOVE,
    kidstaple
     

    Scytheteen

    What is mine is yours
  • 1,290
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • NY
    • Seen Jan 29, 2014
    Awesome kidstaple! You don't know how long i've been waiting for this
     
  • 43
    Posts
    16
    Years
    • Seen Sep 2, 2008
    I'm glad to hear that. I really am. There for the longest time I felt like stopping, but now that I have some free time and my grades are sustained (for now), I'm gunna push through it and give you as much of Bruno and The Resistance's story as possible. I only hope there are more people who enjoy it as much as you. Thanks, again!

    PEACE AND LOVE,
    kidstaple
     
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