Fanfiction Lounge

[oni flygon]

the fact that you described a semi-lame game compared to FE7 made me steer clear away from it a bit more. It's too bad it overshadowed FE7 and AW2... those were two awesome games.

 

[SilverBlaze09]

Yamato-san, some people don't aspire to be professional writers. Obviously, you're very passionate about writer's, but a lot of people aren't. I write because I enjoy it. I use writing as a medium to show my dreams and explain my ideas because I can't draw. I write Original-Non Canon stories; I NEVER use characters that have been introduced in the anime. Does it cost me views? Heck yeah. Does the fact that I dislike romance hurt me? Yup. I don't really care if not all that many people read it as long as those that do enjoy it and see things as I do. I did an experiment and, under a different pen-name, wrote a lemon (I dislike doing that). As it stands... that crappy one-shot lemon scored more views than my 15-chapter, ongoing OT story. Does that upset me? Yeah, it does, but people will read what they want. I want people to read my work, but if I'm not going to aspire to be a writer, I'm not going to go through unprofitable means to try to get a story written just for enjoyment published.

Just a disagreement.

Other people may not feel the same.... some may think it's all fine so long as they're enjoying it, or have their close friends and a few others reading their work, not caring how professional it looks, and can simply drop it all when they feel like it. I respect such people's opinions, but as you can see, such a thing is not meant for me.

;D

Secret agent Death, eh? XD I was trying to think of someplace where I was going to be able to use that name somewhat plausibly; initially, I was going to actually make your character Death, but then I realized that you had given him ghost pok?mon and it wouldn't work and I was sad. *cries river*

I was gonna do the same, but that would have been cliche. It eventually came down to a choice between a ten-year-old n00b with rich parents and a penchant for stupid battling names, an eleven-year-old son of two witchie-kinda characters and a beast whose initials, if you strung them together, spelled 'Death', a secret agent or a kid who was a nice guy, but had ta kill whoever he defeated. Tough choice, but I had the most fun typing up the agent, soo... XD

As for OT 'fics being (generally) bad... you obviously haven't read most of the good OT 'fics...

I realize that, which is why I said that this was just what I've noticed. I also said that the badfics were generally under the heading of OT, not that OT was bad.

Heh, I actually like a well-done OT, but they're so hard to find... XP And a buncha the good ones involve 'Teh 00b3r CHOSEN ONE!!!1!!'. I don't mind that, as long as it's well-done, but still... XP XD

And hello again everyone ^^

I'm back from my holiday (with my legs still hurting real bad because I'm cramped in the car for a 12 or 13 hour car ride) and hopefully can start reviewing some more before school starts again. Then again, I just picked up FFTA so not sure how the reviews will go with that... =D;;;

Either way, happy autumn everyone
(yay~ it's so close to winter la!)

Yo, man. I rEd ya on the car part, it's really tough on the body... XP

Question: What are your all-time favorite fics?

For yours truly, 'twas: The Legendarian Chronicles, by Chibi Pika/Pok?mon Revelation: Cross of Fates, by xXSaberXx/Hell Hath No Fury: An Ice Queen's Saga, by Ash_Junior/anything by LilyPichu

?SilverBlaze09?

 

[pokejungle]

You're back Weaver-san! YAY! :)

Niko...what do you think about AWDS? ._.; [/off-topic]

 

[oni flygon]

You're back Weaver-san! YAY! :)

Niko...what do you think about AWDS? ._.; [/off-topic]

I don't have a DS so I won't really know yet.

 

[Lily]

Welcome back, frostweaver.

Now get back to work.

=]

Oh, and Onii-chan, it's your turn to pick ffotw. >____> You came back before I had to pick one again, so I assumed you'd have chosen one by now...;_;

 

[oni flygon]

You know what? I'm thinking we should make it to fanfic of the month so that it would be more honorable.

 

[Frostweaver]

You know what? I'm thinking we should make it to fanfic of the month so that it would be more honorable.

Agree, as good fanfics are hard to find within a week's worth of time. It's difficult to force yourself to choose a good one sometimes, I imagine ;D

At least finish this last FotW though as this is the last week of August, and start FotM in September.

 

[oni flygon]

Alright I'll do it... geez... it's hard to find a decent one nowadays.

 

[pokejungle]

XD

Go through endless lemons on FF for some non-PC ones :P

Meh...I should write a killer fic sometime.

 

[Lily]

Don't we all? XD

Yes, yes. Make it ffotm.That would be much easier.

 

[Negrek]

I loved FFTA. Of course, I can't really compare it to other FF games because it's one of only three that I've played, but yeah. Waiting is a snore, but it's fun to come up with random job combinations and stuff like that. Sorta addicting.

My all-time favorite 'fics? Tangled Web by appishsnae, Gods and Demons by Keleri, Xanthic Growlithe Contract and XGC2: Johto by Facia, and Revelations: A Cynic's View of Pok?mon by CorianderWryters. All but one are OT's.

 

[pokejungle]

XGC have anything to do with the Xanth series by Piers Anthony? =D

 

[Negrek]

Never read it, but I highly doubt it. Does it have anything to do with corrupt governments, mysterious and dangerous weapons, and trickery, deception, and way-too-scary Nurse Joys?

*XGC fangirl*

 

[pokejungle]

XD

No. Xanth is a fantasy/humour book based around bad puns ^^; You should really take a look at it. Piers Anthony is a great author :D

 

[Iveechan]

My favorite fanfic is my own because it's about a Hitmonchan. There's very few fics out there about Hitmonchan, and even fewer in the way I'd like to see him portrayed. So I need to do it myself.

 

[Frostweaver]

*decides to waste minimum amount of summer time sleeping* ;<

@ Quest of the Legends "version some-number-higher-than-2" by Dragonfree


Title- 3/5
5 Title is symbolic, highly relevant and unique to the story
4 Title is relevant to and descriptive about the story
3 Title is descriptive, but is not precise in terms of descriptiveness, or is clich?
2 Title is general, and applicable to most stories
1 Title is irrelevant, and applicable to all stories

Of course, sentimental values are never rewarded, except for the reader's nostgalic feelings being fulfilled. The main title is problematic, but you know that long time ago already.

Chapter titles are good.

Narrative Manner- 3/5
5 Narrative manner is excellent, and adds strength and/or hidden meaning to the story
4 Narrative manner is good, and adds some emphasize to the story
3 Narrative manner is decent, and is suitable to the story
2 Narrative manner is acceptable but not precise, or format is incorrect
1 Narrative manner is poor, and weakens the story

-Now as I read through some of the replies to your story, I see that you tried to defend yourself that this new prologue takes on the 3rd person objective except for one line. However... "sadly" and "curious" together ruins this stance completely. The line about the Pokemon defending their trainers is also a subjective line. Objective narration is picky, but it can be summed up to the 5 senses. If the 5 senses cannot pick it up directly and needs the brain to interpret its information, then it's not objective enough. What you are trying to do is to function as the reader's 5 senses within the story, and then let the readers' mind interpret those information. The ears can't hear that the Pokemon are loyal, nor do the tongue taste that Mew is sad. The skin can't feel that Mew is looking around curiously, and the nose can't smell any of that either.

-the prologue is awfully choppy. I see that you are trying to establish a certain tone, but it's not working out too well, especially with the objective attempt. Long sentences really aren't friends with many paragraphs. If you are going to be purposely making many paragraphs, then let them be short and precise. Those moments are pretty much the only time in a fanfic where reinforcement/support of ideas aren't necessary, as reinforcements/support lags a lot. Personally, I have *never* seen this technique used with the objective narrative before, and there is probably a reason why...

-I personally don't find the present tense for the prologue ineffective. It's just fine, imho. Both tenses have their own pros and cons.

-It's a nice addition to see that the narrator sides with Mark. The annoying and rebellious narrator contributes to Mark's character.

Grammar/Coherence- 7/10
10 Grammar mistakes are inexistent, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
8-9 Grammar mistakes are rare, and coherence exists throughout the entire story
6-7 Grammar mistakes are uncommon, but story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
5 Grammar mistakes are common, and story occasionally suffers loopholes in plot
1-4 Grammar mistakes are common, and story suffers loopholes in plot

-the other viewers mentioned some of the mistakes already, so I'll leave those out.

having died in their feeble attempts to protect the humans they had sworn loyalty to.

Don't ask me why or who set this rule, but "die" can never go with the perfect tenses. I think that this is related to the common misusage of the 2 words "die" and "kill." You "actively die," and you are "killed passively" by someone else. You can never "passively die" and "actively killed." ("Actively killed" does exist, but then the word will become suicide instead.)

And right next to the creature lies a large, somewhat humanoid Pok?mon, its leathery gray skin bruised and its powerful violet tail covered with slashes.

That bolded comma is terribly weird. Colon is probably the better choice here.

It takes silent, wingless flight

The article is missing. An "a" or "the," please?

He liked Pok?mon speech; Mr. Flintlake?s Vulpix was usually a great deal more interesting than any human person he had met.

I personally fail to see the closeness between these two clauses. They aren't related enough for the semicolon to be used.

They looked at each other - a tall blonde and a short, dark-haired man, -

Can't we just stick with the old appositive with the fellow commas instead of the dashes here?

when both wearing that expression which Mark knew only too well.

The first clause is missing a verb...

something about North-West Ouen had creepy effects on Pok?mon.

Having, not had

Major Character(s)- 11/15
14-15 Major characters are very multi-faceted. All details are highly precise and relevant
12-13 Major characters are multi-faceted. Most details are highly precise and relevant
11-12 Major characters are multi-faceted but limited. Details are precise and relevant
9-10 Major characters are slightly stereotypical. Details are precise but not very relevant
7-8 Major characters are generally stereotypical. Details are present but need precision.
5-6 Major characters are stereotypical. Details are present but limited in amount.
1-4 Major characters have no personality traits, and no details are paid to characters.

-I thought about omitting this one... We do see Mark's annoying, brattish, and rebellious character, but we are too early in the story to determine the relevancy of his character. Honestly, I feel that chapter 1 and 2 are one chapter, and that this one chapter haven't even finished yet. However, a good character show be able to show his/her/itself even if the plot haven't picked up yet.

-the only definite problem with Mark is his attraction to Charmander. The tone is implying that he doesn't care about it too much. Later on, another part reads that he doesn't want his dad to find the Charmander's trainer yet...

-It's pretty cool to see the new emphasis on Mark's school mark (wow look at that unintended pun there). It's actually a pretty effective implication on how Mark is going to handle his future battles in his journey with Charmander.

-Mark is definitely a stereotypical character (so far)... it can be kind of boring? The biggest problem with Mark is that his character is there but it doesn't seem to be contributing. Yes, he is a brat and ya-da, but so what? Everything that happens so far moves Mark along. He doesn't contribute at all to what's happening, as everyone and everything else does that for him. With this in mind, it's very hard for Mark to be the motivating force for readers to read on. Not to mention, most readers will hate Mark... however, there are characters who are loathed and they are the motivating force for readers to read on. They can hate a character so much that they want to read on to see how the character will die. Yet with Mark, we are in the middle of nowhere. He doesn't do anything, but he does have a character. He's there because he's there?

(A good character can launch himself out of the crowd, revealing its multi faceted characteristics immediately even though the plot didn't start at all. Mark does not qualify for this requirement, so I am certain that it's a 13 or lower.)

Minor Character(s)- 3/5
5 Minor characters are necessary and relevant, contributing to the story in multiple ways
4 Minor characters are interesting and relevant, contributing to the story
3 Minor characters are interesting, but are limited in contribution to the story
2 Minor characters are irrelevant, and are limited in contribution to the story
1 Minor characters are completely irrelevant, and are completely unnecessary to the story

-hard to decide between a 2 and a 3. I know from previous version that all supporting casts so far will not do a thing for the main plot after Mark departs on to their journey. With this in mind, I know that they aren't suppose to contribute, yet the new style and the sluggish pace seem to suggest the otherwise... if there are .5s on this scale, then 2.5 definitely. But then, I'm too lazy to count decimals... round up to 3.

-think the parents could have contributed more, but then they just sit there. Almost all "parent characters" have the potential to contribute to the reason why their children come out a certain way, and this realistic background information can certainly enchance your fanfic.

Story Details- 7/10
9-10 Details are relevant, contributing to at least four out of the five story components
7-8 Details are sometimes relevant, contributing to most story components
5-6 Details are lacking, not necessarily relevant and verisimilitude is endangered
3-4 Details are severely lacking, and verisimilitude is damaged
1-2 Details are almost inexistent, and verisimilitude is severely damaged

Sailance isn't that important of a setting, so I never really put that much thought into describing that in particular.

If it's not important, then why use it? If a choice is made, then there is also a reason for the choice. If Sailance is really unimportant, then why not move the story back to good old Kanto, hmm? Obviously, something about Sailance moved you to place the story there, and that is the reason why descriptions are needed for Sailance.

-again, the failing marks along with the "art" and "pokemon speech" (notice how both of those courses are the fine arts? It's your language art and drawing!) are nice additions for Mark's abilities.

Is there contribution to character? "Yes."
Is there contribution to the plot? "Plot didn't even start yet, or so barely with Charmander."
Is there contribution to setting? "What setting?"
Is there contribution to the theme? None at all, but that's understandable.
Is there contribution to the narrative manner? Somewhat, but it's all pointing towards Mark again.

The most disappointing part is the complete absense of setting except for the rain, and we can't even get anything out of this rain so far because of the story's pace. We are moving so slowly that we can't interpret anything out of it yet, although it is present.

Details should point to more than just one component of the story, even if it is only the story's beginning.

Conflict- omit/5
5 At least 3 conflicts are present, ?good and evil? cannot be divided
4 Many conflicts are present to enhance the plot, ?good and evil? are questionable
3 ?Man vs. Man? along other conflicts, but ?good and evil? are obvious
2 ?Man vs. Man? only, good and evil are obvious
1 ?Man vs. Man? only, ending is highly predictable

-no plot yet, so how can anyone rate this? Omit.

Diction/Tone- 13/15
14-15 Diction greatly contributes to story components. Tone is very relevant and suitable
12-13 Diction contributes to story components. Tone is suitable but not always relevant
10-11 Diction and tone are suitable but not always relevant
8-9 Diction and tone are sometimes suitable but always relevant
6-7 Diction and tone are sometimes inappropriate and are not relevant
1-5 Diction and tone are inappropriate and are not considered by the author

-I really don't like the "one: ... two: {finding charmander}" section. The tone is so weak in terms of seriousness that it is as if Charmander's appearance is completely irrelevant to the story somehow. It does succeed in reinforcing Mark's childish behavior, but this small success doesn't balance out the huge loss.

-chapter 2 contains some very long sentence that are just annoying to read. They aren't very smooth although they are grammatically correct. For example...

Taking it towards the house, he stroked the warm, orange scales and vaguely remembered pointing at a Charmander in a picture book when he was little to announce to his parents that he was going to pick it when he became a trainer.

If you can honestly read this one sentence in one breath like what the punctuations are telling us to do, I'll give you a cookie.

-again, tone greatly contributes to Mark's character. Well done!

Story Structure- 11/15
14-15 Story structure is carefully planned and greatly contributes to all story components
12-13 Story structure is planned and contributes to most story components
10-11 Story structure is planned and contributes to some story components
8-9 Story structure is slightly weak and sometimes contributes to some story components
6-7 Story structure is weak and rarely contributes to story components
4-5 Story structure is weak and endangers the story components
1-3 Story structure is fragile and damages the story components

-we mentioned this already... very slow pace. The short chapters definitely contribute to this problem. Psychologically, we will feel that the pace speeds up if these two chapters remain unedited but are combined as one... People expects the plot to at least get mentioned by chapter 2 at the very latest.

-the main plot can always go at a slow pace, but then you will need something else to entertain your readers at the meantime. Yamato-san's story have Hiro's relationship with his Eevee as the side-plot to entertain the readers until the main adventure takes place. Trials of Reluctance deal with May's personal conflict with herself for a very long time, on top of the gym challenges, before the real plot begins involving Team Magma and Team Aqua (actually, all 3 plots seem so relevant that it's difficult to define which one is the story's main focus). A good story shouldn't have any boring moments.

-again, a story shouldn't only focus on one component (character), but all 5 components at once.

Effort- 10/10
9-10 A great amount of effort is shown. Author?s re-read and editing are apparent.
7-8 A good amount of effort is shown. Further double checking maybe necessary.
5-6 A good amount of effort is shown. Double checking and spell checking are necessary.
1-4 A limited amount of effort is shown. Please use spell check and other helpful devices.

Can we honestly say anything else for someone who is rewriting a fanfic that many times to try to reach the perfect state?

Literal Device Bonus- + 1=0/15 (Foreshadowing /1, Contradictive Style /1, Foil /1, Dramatic Irony /2, Situational Irony /2, Allusion /2, Motif/Symbols /3, Theme /3)

Total: 78/95 => 82/100

 

[Dragonfree]

Unless I'm very much mistaken, that's the exact same score as you gave as the first review of the old version... not improving a lot, am I?

I tend to make mistakes in my writing because of completely silly things (for example, I sometimes rush chapter endings to fit on the current page in Word instead of having to write two or three lines on the next page), and the number of chapters is sadly mostly there because of such a thing - namely that while I'm trying to remake the beginning completely, I don't want to move all the chapters one chapter forward (as in making chapter 10 into chapter 9, etc.); I'd rather try to just get the beginning right and then continue with chapter ten being the exact equivalent of the old chapter ten and so on. The problem with that is that I'm planning to more or less omit most of the content of the old chapters two and four (the book of legendaries and the conversation with the girl in the Pok?mon Center about Rick, respectively), so therefore I decided to plan out the first few chapters so that they'd stretch out to match the old version after they're over. I probably should at least move the stretching to after Mark actually gets out, though.

That bolded comma is terribly weird. Colon is probably the better choice here.

A colon doesn't seem right at all to me there... a rewording of that sentence and probably splitting it into two sounds better to me.

The article is missing. An "a" or "the," please?

Um... does the phrase "to take flight" have an article? o.O;

Can't we just stick with the old appositive with the fellow commas instead of the dashes here?

I tried that first, but it seemed to have too many and confusing commas in there that way, somehow. Do you still think I should go back to that?

Having, not had

Now, this is just plain wrong. It's simply stating that for unknown reasons, something about North-West Ouen had creepy effects on Pok?mon. I don't see how "having" could possibly make sense there.

I know from previous version that all supporting casts so far will not do a thing for the main plot after Mark departs on to their journey.

They will, actually. I just tend to take a looooooong while to make the relevance of various things clear. Mark's parents made a reappearance in chapter 24 of the previous version, and while Mrs. Grodski hasn't been very relevant, I've been planning for her to have a role towards the end of the fic.

If it's not important, then why use it? If a choice is made, then there is also a reason for the choice. If Sailance is really unimportant, then why not move the story back to good old Kanto, hmm? Obviously, something about Sailance moved you to place the story there, and that is the reason why descriptions are needed for Sailance.

Sailance is the city, not the region. I could not have moved the fic to Kanto because other settings in Ouen are important. I placed Mark there because it is, as it says, "stereotyped as a haven for Pok?phobes". I should probably describe it better, yes, but Sailance's importance lies in its image rather than the city itself.

Anyway, I need to fine-tune chapter three... which will probably include rather large changes to what I've already written, in accordance with the review. Thanks for taking the time to write it. ^_^

 

[SilverBlaze09]

Hmm, what happens when I get lazy: FFLounge takes a nap. [/shameless ego-plug]

XD Anyways, yeah. FFotM is definitely the way to go. The FFForums here are slower than in other places. Which can be a good thing. *shudders at the thought of SPPF FFForums* SPAMCity. Ugh-lay. 8P

My all-time favorite 'fics? Tangled Web by appishsnae, Gods and Demons by Keleri, Xanthic Growlithe Contract and XGC2: Johto by Facia, and Revelations: A Cynic's View of Pok?mon by CorianderWryters. All but one are OT's.

I think I've heard of 'Tangled Web' before from somewhere... Could I have the link to that and 'Revelations', please?

Let me think, umm, yeah. XP Mine head runs lower on ideas as I begin transferring more imagination to my writing. 8P XD

Oh, yeah. Question: Have any of you seen actual mile/kilometer measurings of the Regions? (Kanto, Johto, Hoenn, Orre) The islands would be nice, too. XD

?SilverBlaze09?

 

[Iveechan]

There's actually a fic *not made by me* that I really enjoyed! It was called "the Adventures of Tyler and Magmar". It was so hilarious, I couldn't stop laughing at some parts. It really helps lighten a bad mood. The humor was goofy like a Bugs Bunny cartoon or a Mel Brooks movie (the author was a Mel Brooks fan).

 

[RyukoArabne]

Emm...Is that a show?Because...I still dont understand what are you talking about