https://www.pokecommunity.com/threads/34118
@ Valentine's Day (by Niko)
as the digitized beeping of the digital clock
this is repeated... the beep off of a digital clock is obviously digitized
A wandering hand emerged from the stockpile of white blankets, hoping to hit the button in order to cease the digitized beeping of the clock. After a few attempts, the black button was finally pushed using the palm of the hand. The sound ceased and the hand withdrew back to the heap of blankets. However, due to the motion of the withdrawing hand, clock was accidentally pushed to the side of the table and it fell down to the carpeted floor. A groan of irritation came from the sleepy pile of blankets and pillows. The mattress creaked as he moved to his side.
really anime-like scenario... though these are ordinary opening scenes that are acceptable to the anime, they aren't as useful here because they really don't contribute to any part of the story. Shorten this part of the description so the story moves faster.
Blue is a dark brown haired girl just like Green. Except she kept her hair long and she was quite perky and lively.
"except" isn't used correctly here... except is a conjunction, but here it isn't linking to anything. The period in front of except has to be changed to a comma.
Not that she?s his girlfriend (except that she was once Green?s girlfriend) or anything but Blue likes to get presents (she has the habit of taking any present that wasn?t intended to be hers?in other cases, ripping them off).
this one is awkward... the syntax can be reworked so not so many brackets are in use. The part about liking presents is rather repeated by the bracket as well...
-Green's behavior is a bit OOC for him o.O; He's too cool in the manga to ever do that (assuming that he does like Yellow) >>; Sounds more like a Gold-thing type... same thing for Red... he's tacking on to the same style of personality as Blue O.o; These 2 are the main characters and their personality are all weird compare to the manga that we all know and love... huge problem.
He asked Red to give those to Yellow instead of giving them personally.
a bit confusing... as Red giving it to Yellow is also giving it to her "personally." You want to be clear in your writing.
-slightly confusing in terms of story structure... you talk about the kissing scene (a year ago) after you talk about the valentine's day for this year... it gets really confusing to see that Green left with the yellow flowers and then you're suddenly talking about the chocolate and a bouquet of flowers... possible that the flowers are the same yellow ones, but where did the chocolate come from if that was from the same time period? The story jumps back and forth in terms of time a bit too much... making it confusing. Is it the kissing scene 1 year ago, or the 2 day before valentine's day, or is this valentine's day? No idea...
He noticed that he was glaring. For some reason unknown, he decided to ignore him and continued running.
i think there's some silly mistakes in punctuation here... perhaps it should be a comma, and then the period? It'll make much more sense (after adding in the necessary conjunctions of course) that way
-some of the details don't contribute to the fanfic so you can take those details away... for example, how Yellow's next class is four floors down... unless four is somehow significant (which i doubt), that's a useless piece of info...
-the part where 1st person narrator is used is so cute... but then later the 1st person narrative is gone and its' back to 3rd person again. Stick to one type of narrative throughout the story, and i think the story will work better this way...
Good Points
-1st person narrative section is effective in conveying its atmosphere
-romance mixed with small amount of humor
Future Improvements
-further refining your story so it contains no irrelevant detail (difficult to do but try)
-story structure when flashback is used
-fix up some silly mistakes (like punctuations) with more proofreading
Title: 4/5
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Coherence/Readability: 7/10
Characterization: 12/20
Story Structure: 10/15
Tone/Atmosphere: 14/15 (good job)
Diction: 14/20
Effort/Originality: 12/15
Lit. Device bonus: +1 (1st person narrative)
total: 83
