Fanfiction Lounge

[Ryoutarou]

Allright I just posted proluge 04 of my fanfic....I hope I'm getting better at it...now go read and review it....please?

 

[oni flygon]

Coming fanfiction:

Call of Dragons

I'm sorry but I can't provide a description currently. If I did, I'd spoil the whole plot... ^_^

EDIT:

Call of Dragons is posted! I hope someone will read this new fanfic! ^_^

 

[Ryoutarou]

Allright just got the second to last prologue of Pokemon J up...then the real story can start....I hope you all enjoy it and review it

 

[Dizzy]

I posted my latest fanfic ^_^, please be sure to check it out and review it :)

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Sunlight

-just one correction... do use paragraph for EVERY conversation dialogue, just to keep things neat and tidy. It's just easier to read that way.

-even better than your previous ones, and the lenght got better as well. Generally, the entire story improved compare to all of your old ones ^_^ Keep writing!


@ History's Past, Present's Future

-FINALLY a darkfic for PC!! *cheers*

-excellent story so far... it's nice to have a fanfic to fill us in on what's happening before Ash's time. However, perhaps you didn't know this as a lot of people didn't, but Onna Boss was the first and creator of Team Rocket. She was the mother of Giovanni (with who-knows-who husband once again), and was a money-hungry woman. Though she did start TR, she didn't have such great plans as Giovanni to take over the region. She just wanted Pokemon for money-making tools (we see that with the Mew incident and Onna Boss... she sent off Jessie's Mother to go record Mew's voice, instead of capturing Mew.)

 

[Mew13]

WOO! I posted chapter three in Mew's Chosen One! Take a looksie!

I'm workin on chapter two of Life In the Eyes of Bluk, trying to fix a few things I screwed up on in the 1st chapter... (like, Bluk being able to speak and hunt on his 2nd day of life.... I must apologize for that, I got caught up in the concept and lost control... and all sense of commom sense....) It should be up within the next couple of days!!

 

[Dizzy]

Well, I added up some pictures that I promised I would add to the fan-fic. I also cleaned it up a little bit to make it easier to read. So please check it out ^_^. I'd love the reviews while I'm writing and developing pictures for the second chapter.

Sunlight​

What happens when a girl explores the same old world with a new style?​

Once again I hope everyone enjoys this fanfic, I put so much work into it.

 

[gatene]

History's Past, Present's Future.

Well, I thank you for that kind review Frostweaver. I do believe you about Onna Boss, but how did you come to find out about that? I am very curious about it.

I'm working on Part 5 now,

Gatene

 

[Ryoutarou]

Allright got the next part of pokemon j up...well i guess you can call it another fic since it's a diffrent title. anyways just posted chapter one of my new fanfic "zeta" now someone go read it and review please...?

 

[Frostweaver]

Oops! X_x;

Sorry Blue... I posted in your fanfic instead of here... so sorry for putting a unnecessary post inbetween your chapters x_x; will you forgive me...?


Guess Farla is right... I was being too kind on fanfic reviews. No fanfic reviews are useful if they aren't heavy on criticism. So... even stricter revies from Frosty from now on! Don't say that I didn't warn you all fanfic writers out there!


@ My Poke-Adventure:

-isn't this just script format written with punctuations? =/ You gotta expand a lot more than this! Especially since this is (another) OT fanfic, you'll need to write even harder and better to stand above the crowd (seriously, PC has 97% OT fics already) You have to have a lot more descriptions to make your fanfic more readable and enjoyable.

-grammar... GRAMMAR!!!! You have to grasp the concept of paragraphing as soon as possible. The first chapter lacked paragraphing, yet the second chapter is pretty much paragraph spamming x_x;

-the entrance of Team Rocket is highly unusual and isn't so smooth at all... you'll have to edit things out a bit to make it so that it flows a bit better

-refer to the basic writing guide stickied in this forum a bit

 

[Abskull]

Errmmmmm... I think it's kind of late, but I already finished my story ^_^;, I just found this thread! Uhhh... I just finished Life Being a Murkrow!

 

[Dizzy]

Congratulations, Abskull, I'm going to take the time to read it all ^_^. Right now, I'm still developing and writing Chapter II, I'll make some pictures soon too ^_^>

 

[Frostweaver]

@ Life being a Murkrow (yes I read the whole thing)

Before I begin my heavy criticism, may the ignorant ones who say this fanfic needs no improvement (all fanfics need improvements) be body slammed by one million Snorlaxes

-it is... short... need to be expanded, like adding on adjectives and so on

-character descriptions can be worked on a bit more... and certainly try to avoid more uses of an entire paragraph dedicated to character description. The fanfic won't flow as smoothly as it can when there's those hideous paragraphs

-speaking of paragraphs, let's use paragraphs... no paragraphs should have more than one dialogue unless it's from the same person. (but then in the later parts of the story, this kinda got corrected so good job)

-Malodor and Naomi's appearances are highly awkward... as if they just appear because the Pokegod said so... (after 4 seconds of thinking) it will be a little bit better if say Naomi lead off with fire spin before the narration talks of Naomi's appearance. It's just highly awkward to see little kids trying to stone a Charizard? I mean it's just common sense to not do anything that can upset a fire breathing dragon who's probably double or even three times the little kids' height. This part needs some serious editing...

-more narration can be used... and in return, reduce the overusage of dialogues... there's so many dialogues that it's almost a scriptfic

-however, the names are very well done... goodjob on the "no cliche names" by using some original names ^_^

-just wondering... did Amy *walk* all the way? O.o; The narration never told me... she is afterall a Murkrow you know... I guess you can say that she never learned how to fly, but then the story never told me that either... hmm... wait a sec if she can use Night Shade then she should be able to do some basic flying too, right?

-what's with the Ludicolo... that whole part is just confusing...

-So in 2 chapter worth of time (with hardly any travelling mentioned) they've reached Petalburg already to see Korari? um... did someone use teleportation or something? that was a little weird how they pretty much teleported... after meeting with Korari, they need a month to get to Pallet, yet it seems like it only took them a few days to reach Petalburg... hmm strange tales

-even if it's a comedy fanfic, descriptions can still be used (I can't stress this fact enough)

-Korari's "betrayal" is... not something I understand o.o;

-the 2 legendaries are majorly OOC >>;

-Vander's addition to the group is, once again, odd... then most of the time it's odd how the Pokemon/Pokemorph joins the group...

-the map is a little screwed up... Cave of Origin is weird to begin with already... and they just arrived in Sootopolis a few chapters later?

-if you want to reach Pallet Town, you'll want to reach the *eastern* end of Jhoto, not the western end... the western end will be the Olivine area

-if Jhoto Pokemon don't know anything about the Hoenn Pokemon, how come they know what's a Murkrow or a Charizard? kinda strange...

-the Golbat/Sableye/Gengar scene is also awkward...

-well so much for Jhoto not knowing the Hoenn Pokemon... there's a Wailord stuck just right in Jhoto boys and girls! >>; Triad's offer is also a bit weird...

-the Eevees are just crazy... >>;

-how come the Pokemon cannot understand human language? that's like another plot flaw within the story...

-Malodar is unusually happy for someone who lost his entire family... awkward

-ending is um... those Natu and Xatu wishing almost seems like you don't know how to end it so you just have to find something to end it swiftly


Stone me all you want... but that's my criticism for the story. Yeah yeah I'm rather hard to please...

 

[oni flygon]

Hey Frostweaver, if you have time, could you review my new fanfiction "Call of Dragons?"

Posted new chapter in Call of Dragons.
Posted first part of character analysis in Ties of Love and Friendship.

 

[Frostweaver]

@ CoD

-grammar mistakes are quite common... such as the misuse of "and" and "as," along with some spelling mistakes

-(in prologue) cobalt ocean doesn't match with the setting sun scenery... (color conflict)

-Yellow really doesn't seem *that* desperate, nor did she seems to be dwelling in such despairity

-(ch.1) atmosphere conflict: roaring/raging ocean vs the fluffy white clouds in the azure sky with warm sunshine... ahem?

-(ch.2) the conflict between Nina and Dennis was a little bit rough... the story didn't flow too well there but still acceptable

-a small thing: if you mention Yellow inviting Nina to stay over for the night(s) or something, it'll make a bit more sense regarding why Nina is still around the next day

-(ch.3) the verb "filtered" needs to be put into passive voice in order to make sense in the context

-Dennis's hatred for Vincent is slightly awkward... doesn't seem too justified

-(ch.4) a minor mistake, but the narration suddenly refers to Yellow by her first name, instead of Mrs. Oak or any other formal title... rather strange

-(reader's comment) *cough cough* somebody *coughNinacough* is trying unusally hard! XD

-(ch.5) *cough* once again someone's trying hard! XD

-the "date for battle" deal was completely "what's going on?" o.O; Dennis was acting OOC


Overall, it's not bad of a start! ^^ Not enough to be "Fanfiction Master" like whatever exaggerated reviews write, but certainly enough to keep going for another good chronicle.

<><><>

@ A Look at a Pokemorph's Life

-*sigh* just refer to the reviews of your other fanfic... same thing applies

<><><>

@ Quest for the Legendary Protector

-cliche titles... not the most suitable title

-cliche names = ugh/eww! Especially when Phoenix is a bird and Blaziken is a running chicken

-a Groudon used as an elevator kills all sense of coolness from this legendary >>; then again no legendaries that are captured and tamed already in chapter 1 can ever be cool

-descriptions are lacking as mentioned by the other reviews

-highly anime style... battle 95% of the time, and everything else the other 5%

-Pyra doesn't act like 6, even if she's special... and the fanfic really didn't hint of anything that she's special too. It didn't flow well at all for chapter 2.

 

[Ryoutarou]

Hey frost could you go reveiw my next two chapters? I couldent use that spell check thing it kept bugging out on me...so I just reread it over and over and over again untill I fixed all I thought was wrong

 

[oni flygon]

@ CoD

-Yellow really doesn't seem *that* desperate, nor did she seems to be dwelling in such despairity

The story mentioned that something happened to her 3 months ago... ^_^

-(ch.2) the conflict between Nina and Dennis was a little bit rough... the story didn't flow too well there but still acceptable

-Dennis's hatred for Vincent is slightly awkward... doesn't seem too justified

I'm going to explain that later in the story.

the "date for battle" deal was completely "what's going on?" o.O; Dennis was acting OOC

The story talks about Dennis being desperate. I designed him to be self-centered. ^_^

Thanks for reviewing, Frostweaver! I've edited some parts especially environmental conflicts...

~*~*~*~

Posted new chapter in Call of Dragons
New Character Analysis posted in Ties of Love and Friendship

 

[Frostweaver]

-well that isn't enough... I do know of that line, but still her actions aren't as desperate as what the narration claims to be. Her actions, especially tone of voice, gotta match up with her desperation. I mean, she seems to be capable of thinking somewhat logically even during the moment she's about to suicide x_x;

-even if the hatred is to be explained later, you can't let it fly loose like that... x_x; Gotta drop off a hints here and there saying that there's some grudge between the two before this event.

-if you want Dennis to be self centered, there are TONS of opportunities for you to do that in your story. Also, his friendliness and his sense of responsibility as a big brother for Amy are somewhat acting against this personality of his... he seemed quite selfless and "perfect" at the moment of looking for Amy (especially when he waits for Nina to catch up and etc... it maybe better if you say that he just runs ahead of her despite of her calling for him to wait up and etc etc etc)

Well... have to go read Blue's story, then I'll come back to edit ToLaF, and then finally go see the new chapter of CoD o.o;


@ Zeta

-I dunno... the spellcheck website worked pretty well for me... I even tried to throw one of your paragraphs in and it successfully picked up some mistakes. Oh well

-once again, captured legendaries are never cool... or at least, not ones that got previewed by a computer

"I'm pretty good. It only took me 1 year to get Thirty-two badges...It's a wonder i made it this far" said Elli
-A contradicting sentence... the beginning part sounds like she's boasting/bragging, while the second part makes her seem so modest x_x;

-battling scene is rather awkward... nonstop Hydro pump was completely... err... new but unrealistic

-the way how Diya informs Zi of his family history and the current situation is a bit unreal, and not very smooth

-just HAVE to watch out for "he" and "she" mistakes... this one is quite crucial. You may not want Zi's father to be a female XD

-3 continous chapters of animestyle-battling can be a bit boring... as not much of anything else is happening at all. However the best cure for this is probably developing Diya's personality as the battle goes along... like playing mind games and whatever interesting stuff on any mysterious characters

 

[Abskull]

I know I need some work on it, my mom said the same exact thing.

I made a sequel (SP?) for it though, it will even better! It's called A Look at a PokeMorph's Life.

 

[Aiya Quackform]

Chapter 2 of the The One Drop: Special Edition is now out. Go read and review, people!!!

https://www.fanfiction.net/~aiyaquackform