oni flygon
:)
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Lynnk said:
Ah don't worry about that. The first time you do it, it's really embarassing but the more you write about kissing or hugging, you get used to it. Like me...XD
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Fanfiction Lounge
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Ah don't worry about that. The first time you do it, it's really embarassing but the more you write about kissing or hugging, you get used to it. Like me...XD
Neo Pikachu
Forever Gold
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Okay, wow, it's been awhile since I was last here. Perhaps a bit too long...
If any of you remember me, you might remember that I wrote Road to Palantria a while ago, and then just disappeared. Well, to say the least, that fan fiction didn't work out as great as I thought it would.
Instead, I'd like to present a new fan fiction to you a fic that I finished almost a year ago. I've actually started writing out the sequel, but I'd rather present the first one to you before showing the one I've started writing.
It's called the Trial of Juno. It's been long gone at Serebii and is still remembered at PE2K, but nonetheless, I'm sure there are people who have never even heard of it here. Plus, for me, it might be good to go back to old times for once.
I hope you enjoy it.
If any of you remember me, you might remember that I wrote Road to Palantria a while ago, and then just disappeared. Well, to say the least, that fan fiction didn't work out as great as I thought it would.
Instead, I'd like to present a new fan fiction to you a fic that I finished almost a year ago. I've actually started writing out the sequel, but I'd rather present the first one to you before showing the one I've started writing.
It's called the Trial of Juno. It's been long gone at Serebii and is still remembered at PE2K, but nonetheless, I'm sure there are people who have never even heard of it here. Plus, for me, it might be good to go back to old times for once.
I hope you enjoy it.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
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oh... i had no idea why Road to Palantria just died ;_; but then again I don't like how Articuno gets beaten up *GRRR!!!* ARTICUNO NEVER LOSES! *cough*
Ok... I'm calm.
But i'll look forward to your new work too, and this time you better stay alive within PC ;_;
Ok... I'm calm.
But i'll look forward to your new work too, and this time you better stay alive within PC ;_;
Kylie-chan
[span="background:#000; padding: 2px 10px;"][color
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I'll also help Lynnk. I'm so apathetic, yet all this... icky emotional stuff pours out of me! Eeek! *goes back to studiously writing Chrissy fan fic and her two ficcies*
Neo Pikachu
Forever Gold
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frostweaver said:
I feel bad about it, yeah, but the main reason why it wasn't working out well was because the main characters really didn't have much of a role in the overall plot. Without that, it's nearly impossible to drive the story in the right direction. Still, I would like to thank everyone who took the time out to read it.
As for staying alive in PC, I've mostly had my mind focused on the Pokemon Elite 2000 forum, but it's been down (again...) for the last few days. But even when it does get back up (if it even does...), I'll still try to remain active as possible here. You guys seem like a nice bunch, and I definitely think it would be worthwhile to get to know you better.
Mr Cat Dog
Frasier says it best
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Yay! My favourite author's back (Lily's my favourite Authoress of course :P *snuggles*) I've read bits of Juno on SPP and I loved it. Like Blue said, NP really has a nack of making things seem real. It almost feels like you're there when reading the chapters. It's a shame about Road to Palantria though... big shame. Oh well... at least you're back. And never NEVER leave us again XD Got it? ^_~
Dragonfree
Teh Spwriter. :3
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Hey, Frosty, it's been a long time... *hint, hint*
D3L3T3D
ELITE Ryan
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Sorry I was so late. Ive been on other places lately.
I understand and completel agree with each point. Seeing as i cannot find the story in which to continue on, i'd rather give up for now and work on something simpler. One day, i will rewrite the story as intended to be told. Thakn you for the review.
I understand and completel agree with each point. Seeing as i cannot find the story in which to continue on, i'd rather give up for now and work on something simpler. One day, i will rewrite the story as intended to be told. Thakn you for the review.
Neo Pikachu
Forever Gold
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Mr Cat Dog said:
Wow, I didn't expect to have so much respect around here already. I'm glad you like my stories, but I do have to apologize for RTP. I hoping Trial of Juno will make up for it though. A lot of people from other forums have enjoyed it.
Frostweaver
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@ Trial of Juno (Part 1-ch1)
-grammar errors about the correct usage of prepositions and when to use which prepositions seem to be very frequent...
-don't change tenses back and forth. Choose either past or present and stick with it.
-suddenly using "you wish" is really weird... since talking of "you" will be referring to the readers.
-Nothing else to talk about really... it was mostly battling and relatively short length really decreases the chance for mistakes too. Quite nicely done. Just what can I complain about? Obviously, our main protagonist is nothing but a brat who needs a thrashing ;p
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 20/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 20/20
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 93
(will have to read more chapters to see if I am going to add it to Standard of Excellence... one chapter is too short to judge that for now)
-grammar errors about the correct usage of prepositions and when to use which prepositions seem to be very frequent...
-don't change tenses back and forth. Choose either past or present and stick with it.
-suddenly using "you wish" is really weird... since talking of "you" will be referring to the readers.
-Nothing else to talk about really... it was mostly battling and relatively short length really decreases the chance for mistakes too. Quite nicely done. Just what can I complain about? Obviously, our main protagonist is nothing but a brat who needs a thrashing ;p
Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 20/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 20/20
Diction: 18/20
Effort/Originality: 18/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 93
(will have to read more chapters to see if I am going to add it to Standard of Excellence... one chapter is too short to judge that for now)
Lynnk
Lyn-The bad fan-fic writer
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Neo Pikachu
Forever Gold
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Thanks for the review Frostweaver! Trust me, this story goes much deeper than what appears in the first chapter. Nonetheless, a 93/100 is pretty good, that would be an A- in grading terms.
Again, thank you for reading it and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Again, thank you for reading it and I hope you enjoy the rest of the story.
Frostweaver
Ancient + Prehistoric
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@ Trial of Juno (part 1- ch.2)
-really could have combined ch.1 and 2 together, seeing how their ideas are roughly the same, plus combining these 2 short chapters will make the new chapter 1 much more impressive. Also, it'll speed up the story a lot actually, even though combining 2 chapters is hardly any work done to the story, but it's all related to the psychological effect of how we react to numbers.
-great to see that the preposition misusage is shaken off... but then sadly that's only because they generally disappeared.
-now I'm fine with Howl boosting attack power but that's probably because I'm also a competitive player... however, fanfic and the game must differ. Attacks can (and I personally like it more if they) have the same effect, but don't make things seem turn based like the game. Pokemon within this fanfic should be like real life, where action is continous. Many places within the battle scenes suggest a turn-based battling style like the game though. Bend the rules a little, just like how you've changed the effect of thunderwave a little bit.
-also within the battling scene, description goes a little bit funny, especially with the 2 usage of light screen... I personally suggest just skimming through ch.3 of Iveechan's fanfic (link is in my sig), and see how she perfectly portraits the actions within a battle to strengthen your own writing ability.
-pain seems to be repeated on a very VERY constant basis within the battling scene... try using other words or reword the sentences a little so "pain" doesn't appear that often.
-now those battle errors are rather minor compare to this one: narrator's constant contradiction in tone. Definitely the narrator and his 2 friends are the bums (or like what Iveechan said: scumbags) and have this highly arrogant tone within them constantly. However, in several places of ch.2, the narrator suddenly without warning loses a lot of this arrogance within his tone without much explanation too. Actions such as keeping fingers crosses against the thunder attack, or Alex "asking in surprise" about the strange relic are all examples of this mysterious contradiction in the tone out of a sudden... Quite surprised to see this error though, as this did not happen at all in chapter 1, nor did it happen in RoP too. This terribly battered the characters and the story...
-not sure if anyone mentioned this yet, but doesn't the 3 letters called "YGO" instantly strikes your head when Jeff presents the relic near the end of the chapter? O.o; thought that I should really mention it. It's fine to take other places as springboard, but really cover things up a little because unwanted allusions terribly twists your theme and adds on a lot of strange ideas to your readers too...
-oh and updating once a day is INSANE updating speed... I'll so easily fall behind like that... slow down? x_x;;
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 85
-really could have combined ch.1 and 2 together, seeing how their ideas are roughly the same, plus combining these 2 short chapters will make the new chapter 1 much more impressive. Also, it'll speed up the story a lot actually, even though combining 2 chapters is hardly any work done to the story, but it's all related to the psychological effect of how we react to numbers.
-great to see that the preposition misusage is shaken off... but then sadly that's only because they generally disappeared.
-now I'm fine with Howl boosting attack power but that's probably because I'm also a competitive player... however, fanfic and the game must differ. Attacks can (and I personally like it more if they) have the same effect, but don't make things seem turn based like the game. Pokemon within this fanfic should be like real life, where action is continous. Many places within the battle scenes suggest a turn-based battling style like the game though. Bend the rules a little, just like how you've changed the effect of thunderwave a little bit.
-also within the battling scene, description goes a little bit funny, especially with the 2 usage of light screen... I personally suggest just skimming through ch.3 of Iveechan's fanfic (link is in my sig), and see how she perfectly portraits the actions within a battle to strengthen your own writing ability.
-pain seems to be repeated on a very VERY constant basis within the battling scene... try using other words or reword the sentences a little so "pain" doesn't appear that often.
-now those battle errors are rather minor compare to this one: narrator's constant contradiction in tone. Definitely the narrator and his 2 friends are the bums (or like what Iveechan said: scumbags) and have this highly arrogant tone within them constantly. However, in several places of ch.2, the narrator suddenly without warning loses a lot of this arrogance within his tone without much explanation too. Actions such as keeping fingers crosses against the thunder attack, or Alex "asking in surprise" about the strange relic are all examples of this mysterious contradiction in the tone out of a sudden... Quite surprised to see this error though, as this did not happen at all in chapter 1, nor did it happen in RoP too. This terribly battered the characters and the story...
-not sure if anyone mentioned this yet, but doesn't the 3 letters called "YGO" instantly strikes your head when Jeff presents the relic near the end of the chapter? O.o; thought that I should really mention it. It's fine to take other places as springboard, but really cover things up a little because unwanted allusions terribly twists your theme and adds on a lot of strange ideas to your readers too...
-oh and updating once a day is INSANE updating speed... I'll so easily fall behind like that... slow down? x_x;;
Grammar Basics: 9/10
Characterization: 17/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Atmosphere: 16/20
Diction: 17/20
Effort/Originality: 16/20
Lit. Device bonus: +0
Total: 85
Neo Pikachu
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Very good points, I'd definitely have to agree with some of those. Looking back a year, I do realize I did have a lot of primary faults that I stumbled upon when writing this many months ago. Yes, using the same word again and again is definitely one of my weaknesses. I've been trying hard to make sure I overcome that as I write today, but when I was writing this back then, I really didn't even stop to consider it.
As far as character acting, that may be debatable. My original intention was to have the characters act differently. Suddenly they come face to face with Jeff, and begin to have a few uncertainites. Then the strange necklace might give them doubts as well. I think any of us would behave a little differently if that happened to us. In this case, Jake, David and Alex lose a bit of their overconfidence, but they try to hide it.
And, ouch, yes, the Quista necklace was created and thought of using the Millennium Ring in mind, but with different powers. Later on, you'll see that everything Jeff mentions about the necklace is completely false. Also, expect the three main characters to change... A LOT. In all, I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for the very detailed and well written review, Frostweaver.
As far as character acting, that may be debatable. My original intention was to have the characters act differently. Suddenly they come face to face with Jeff, and begin to have a few uncertainites. Then the strange necklace might give them doubts as well. I think any of us would behave a little differently if that happened to us. In this case, Jake, David and Alex lose a bit of their overconfidence, but they try to hide it.
And, ouch, yes, the Quista necklace was created and thought of using the Millennium Ring in mind, but with different powers. Later on, you'll see that everything Jeff mentions about the necklace is completely false. Also, expect the three main characters to change... A LOT. In all, I hope you enjoy it, and thank you for the very detailed and well written review, Frostweaver.
Pidgeot500
Homeless
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Hi all,
I plan to write some fanfic here, although I have a habit of using American English in quirky ways so frequently and so constantly that people mistake it for 'breaking' that language. For instance, mixing prepositions "abnormally" to denote subtleties in placement and momentum among feelings/ideas/etc. Usually I submit a piece for some publication and get it back with every preposition circled. XD
No, actually, I don't intend to be too creative here. So it probably won't matter much at all!
Truthfully, I love the way things are run in this forum, from what I've browsed. The main reason I joined PC: big community, forum variety, and a fanfic forum that's active and interactive! Yeeeeeeeeah!!!
Go! Go! Go! :rambo:
I plan to write some fanfic here, although I have a habit of using American English in quirky ways so frequently and so constantly that people mistake it for 'breaking' that language. For instance, mixing prepositions "abnormally" to denote subtleties in placement and momentum among feelings/ideas/etc. Usually I submit a piece for some publication and get it back with every preposition circled. XD
No, actually, I don't intend to be too creative here. So it probably won't matter much at all!
Truthfully, I love the way things are run in this forum, from what I've browsed. The main reason I joined PC: big community, forum variety, and a fanfic forum that's active and interactive! Yeeeeeeeeah!!!
Go! Go! Go! :rambo:
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Dragonfree
Teh Spwriter. :3
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Well, what do you know? Farla has given LilyPichu the honours of writing a review of Finality in her LiveJournal. View only if you feel like looking at lots of picking that really doesn't sound like her final conclusion is what she says it is.
Last edited:
Lily
◕ ‿‿ ◕ double rainbow.
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Dragonfree; would you mind handing me the link to her livejournal?
Dragonfree
Teh Spwriter. :3
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Farla's LiveJournal of everlasting doom
Whee, she's given The Quest for the Legends a mention too. As containing *ahem* "one of the more poorly thought out plots I've had the experience of seeing, with the particular flaw of having said poorly thought out plot benefit the character more often than not."
Why does she always mention my fics, but never actually review them so that it can be helpful?
Whee, she's given The Quest for the Legends a mention too. As containing *ahem* "one of the more poorly thought out plots I've had the experience of seeing, with the particular flaw of having said poorly thought out plot benefit the character more often than not."
Why does she always mention my fics, but never actually review them so that it can be helpful?
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