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Whee! Frosty liked it! :D

Anyway, I'm glad you're liking the character development, which is starting to kick off now. I'll work on the filler conversations, and remove the reference to stat boosters. ^^; I've been fixing up chapters one and two lately; I'll probably move on and touch up chapters three and four and then go on to finish revision ILCOTEM (I've Lost Count Of Them Even More).


As for "A Wonderful Journey"...

When I was seven, I wrote a story about a horse.

I showed it to my mom, and she laughed a bit at the idiocy of the plot. No matter how she tried to convince me that she was really just laughing because it was so lovely, she had told me what she was laughing at earlier so she didn't fool me.

I went into my room in a fuss, wrote the rest of the story, a sequel, and kept writing stories. Ever since that moment, I had a blatant phobia of letting anybody see my stories. I turned the monitor off when somebody walked past while I was writing, just so they couldn't read it. I wrote little stories for school, but that was all and I didn't show them to anybody at home either.

Then I got into Pok?mon, wrote an absolutely nonsensical fic, discovered that I wasn't the first person who discovered writing about Pok?mon, and started writing the horror that was the original Quest for the Legends. My favorite website had a "submit fanfics" section, and I decided to send it in. Unfortunately, I had problems e-mailing the webmaster and I never sent the story. Then I got my own website, and put it there. I was twelve, and it was the first time since I was seven that I had the courage to show my writing to the public.

Much, much later at the Pok?masters forums...

I discovered the Fan Fiction forum, and started posting a fic called The Second Clone, just testing the water for The Quest for the Legends. I was encouraged, but also given helpful criticism. I discontinued The Second Clone due to writer's block, and nervously started posting The Quest for the Legends as a new revision called the UMR. It didn't get beaten down, but again, I got helpful pointers. And I started realizing, finally at the age of thirteen, that maybe it was good to get criticism. From seven to twelve, I never showed my writing to anybody, as a result of one laugh at my earliest work. Of course I laugh at it now too. But it was enough to make me feel like asking people what they think was something you shouldn't do.

Basically, that's a possible result of being discouraged when you're young. Of course I like any criticism that's thrown at me now, but it took me a good five years to realize that I could show my work to the public without having everybody laugh at me. Reviews should point out bad and good points in equal amounts. And if there are no good points, at least don't actually say "this fic is crap"; just "Work on this and that" without actually giving anywhere a final conclusion of how good it is.
 
Dragonfree said:
Ever since that moment, I had a blatant phobia of letting anybody see my stories. I turned the monitor off when somebody walked past while I was writing, just so they couldn't read it. I wrote little stories for school, but that was all and I didn't show them to anybody at home either.
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I totally get that, Dragonfree! I'm not saying I have a phobia like yours, but I never let anyone see my work before it's finished. Even when I do finish my work, I get nervous letting people see if for the first time. Because, before anyone else reads it, this story and these characters have been my own private thoughts. Letting someone else read it is like letting them read my diary in a way. Of course I get over that soon after letting others read it.

But the point is, no matter how bad a fic may seem to us, it means something to its author. Attacking their story is, in effect, attacking them. I well know that often firm advice and constructive critisism is needed, but seasoning it with salt does a world of good.

If I may, I will quote a scripture from the Bible since it applies so very well:
As apples of gold in silver carvings is a word spoken at the right time for it. - Proverbs 25:11

Yamato-san, I think the way you handled the way others were correcting you very well. Let's not forget that the person we are really shines through, not when things go right, but in the way you handle things that go wrong.
 
@ Trial of Juno (up to ch.12)

-grammar mistakes somehow seem more common now, especially with strange run on sentences... but relatively a minor error

-"could" and "was" are switched around somehow at random times. Watch out for the definition of these two words.

-Alex's flip-flop character is rather awkward and doesn't contribute to the hard-earned realistic atmosphere that Trial of Juno has built up... one moment he was totally on Jake's side, and the next second, he joined David in battling Randy. At least add an transition or a small event that trigger such a change like that... biggest flaw in ch.6-12.

-"I didn't feel right by leaving Alex and David behind, but I didn?t feel right about staying in this deserted city." Using 2 "didn't feel right" seems to be a bit repetitive... try to use different sentence structures. Hard and difficult to do, but do try. I remember how I slipped up on that one too in my own story using quickly 2 times in the same sentence.

-though I succeeded in thinking of a reason why Coldblood is superior over Black, Depression and various former allies of Jake (or maybe I am wrong by thinking of something totally off track, but at least I got an answer that satisfies myself,) really readers shouldn't have to figure out this important aspect of the story. What made Coldblood's power work while the power from the earlier help didn't? Should really explain that, and it shouldn't be hard at all. I thought of a few options already... certainly you can too.

-another confusing factor is the real Juno... in a world where Randy can do anything, how come he didn't go and capture Juno? Also where's all of his older Pokemon like Spike? Coldblood could have thrown in a few extra lines in his dialogue to explain these things...

-when Jake/Juno have to battle the Nidoking himself, that part is rather really awkward... it contradicts the fact that he must try to preserve his strength and keep his new powers a secret until the final battle against Randy. Not a major flaw though, as a simple line of "no one is watching anyway, so Randy wouldn't know of this" or something along that line is enough... you did state the first half, but not the other half... shouldn't be a hard thing to fix.

Good Points
-a thrilling plot that easily hooks the reader to read on forward
-highly realistic
-excellent battle scenes
-Jake/Juno's character description, and the constant conflicts within his own mind

Focuses to Improve On
-explaining various concepts that are easily overlooked by some readers, but not to some others
-reduce the amount of run on sentences
-coherence in characters

Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot.

Grammar Basics: 8/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 9/10
Tone/Structure: 18/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 20/20
Lit. Device bonus:+3 (irony and dramatic irony +3)

Total: 90 {STANDARD OF EXCELLENCE}


Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot. Just don't think too hard about the story and the story will be terribly enjoyable XD;
 
frostweaver said:
@ Trial of Juno (up to ch.12)

-Alex's flip-flop character is rather awkward and doesn't contribute to the hard-earned realistic atmosphere that Trial of Juno has built up... one moment he was totally on Jake's side, and the next second, he joined David in battling Randy. At least add an transition or a small event that trigger such a change like that... biggest flaw in ch.6-12.
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I tend to have a bit of trouble keeping supporting characters on the same track, since more of my focus is placed on the protagonist and the antagonist and the overall flow and theme of the story. I think I?ve improved on that with more of my recent writing, but nonetheless, it?s a good point to keep in mind.

-"I didn't feel right by leaving Alex and David behind, but I didn?t feel right about staying in this deserted city." Using 2 "didn't feel right" seems to be a bit repetitive... try to use different sentence structures. Hard and difficult to do, but do try. I remember how I slipped up on that one too in my own story using quickly 2 times in the same sentence.
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Meh, my biggest writing weakness shows up yet again. I?ll definitely make sure that happens as little as possible in the future, since it?s been one of my biggest problems in writing, and not just writing stories. Again, proofreading will definitely help, something I have pushed myself to do a lot more.

-though I succeeded in thinking of a reason why Coldblood is superior over Black, Depression and various former allies of Jake (or maybe I am wrong by thinking of something totally off track, but at least I got an answer that satisfies myself,) really readers shouldn't have to figure out this important aspect of the story. What made Coldblood's power work while the power from the earlier help didn't? Should really explain that, and it shouldn't be hard at all. I thought of a few options already... certainly you can too.
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Hmm, I was hoping this was clear enough. The necklace from Black and the ring from Depression were physical items, things that could be destroyed with the power of Randy?s necklace. However, Coldblood?s power prevailed over those two since his gift involved the mind and Jake?s imagination, something Randy could not touch. Because of it, Jake now has the power to exploit an oversight made on Randy?s behalf.

-another confusing factor is the real Juno... in a world where Randy can do anything, how come he didn't go and capture Juno? Also where's all of his older Pokemon like Spike? Coldblood could have thrown in a few extra lines in his dialogue to explain these things...
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Heh, Randy?s head has gotten too big in this situation. In truth, he doesn?t see them as valuable anymore, since he?s got the power to have any Pok?mon he wants. In that case, why have a worthless Nidoran or a Pidgey when you can have something even bigger and better at your fingertips? In this case, Randy also loses sight of his past desires, including the desire to have his own Pikachu named Juno. The fact that Jake will stand before him as he takes Juno?s place will remind Randy of what he used to seek, but has suddenly abandoned (also the reason why the real Juno was ?too far underground and too far away? as Coldblood explains).

-when Jake/Juno have to battle the Nidoking himself, that part is rather really awkward... it contradicts the fact that he must try to preserve his strength and keep his new powers a secret until the final battle against Randy. Not a major flaw though, as a simple line of "no one is watching anyway, so Randy wouldn't know of this" or something along that line is enough... you did state the first half, but not the other half... shouldn't be a hard thing to fix.
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It basically is a warm up and shows what Jake is now capable of. Again, Randy never sees Juno until the moment the meet up and confront each other, so he never sees the battle take place.

Similiar in types of Iveechan's fanfic, a fantastic story that is easily enjoyable to many for a great source of entertainment with a fantastic plot.
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Well, I?m glad you like it, but honestly I think my writing has gotten even better since I?ve written this. Still, I highly appreciate the feedback you?ve given me. It?s not only helped with fan fiction writing but with a lot of my school essays as well (especially the notes on word redundancy). Again, I can?t thank you enough.
 
I was over at FFnet just a minute ago and noticed that several PC members have posted their fics there. I was thinking that it might be fun, and helpful, to have a PC C2 Community. That way all of the better PC stories could be showcased and advertised. Any thoughts?
 
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Aiya Quackform said:
I was over at FFnet just a minute ago and noticed that several PC members have posted their fics there. I was thinking that it might be fun, and helpful, to have a PC C2 Community. That way all of the better PC stories could be showcased and advertised. Any thoughts?
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I'm not sure. From what I've been hearing, FF.net is competative. I wouldn't know it for myself since the fic I put up there never got reviewed. I ended up taking it off at the end.

Then again, I think I should think about going back there.
 
Well, I guess (since it seems all I have to do is ask) I'd like frostweaver to give me some insight/a review of "The Power Within".

Link in my sig
 
I finished the Pokemon MASTER story. It's a story that I have quite a few comments/opinions about, but I almost fear that if I wrote it all out, not only would be people be annoyed at the length and irrelevance, but it could be classified as spam. :P So just a few brief comments that I feel I can make. The last chapter was incredible, makes other chapters pale in comparison. I thought it was a good fanfic but not necessary what I admire in a Pokemon fanfic (which is why I am thinking of making a topic asking that, actually). I think it reminded me a lot of the Wheel of Time series and I wondered if the author had read that. I also thought that maybe the author would have made a better story if he'd tried to make it his own fictional universe and not include all these characters from the anime. Speaking of those characters, I also thought at times that these well-defined characters were wasted in their current roles (and for brevity's sake I just deleted a very long paragraph elaborating on that statement). Something things seemed a bit rushed as well, and not dwelt upon as much as they should've, like the Bruno/Lorelei/JT scene, except in the last chapter which was near immaculate in that respect IMHO. Also it was clear at times that the author didn't plan out the entire story ahead of time, which I have no problem with and is often how I write my stories of course, but most notably Duplica's lewd behavior towards people, especially Ash, in the first portion of the story seems inappropriate given later revelations. Oh, and I voted Sabrina as the coolest character (dyuh) with Valdera an unvoted close second, and Light as the coolest element (especially given that Valdera turned to be quite cooler than I thought, the latter chapters making her less of a 1D Lanfear-type), and chapter 11 as coolest chapter because I couldn't vote for chapter 13 but I know that the chapters got better as they went along. =) (Note: if you accept that what I just typed counted as was "brief" comments, I'm sure you realize now that it was a good call for me not to elaborate ;) Good thought-provoking story, though.)
 
Chapter 15 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.

Just a quick note, after this chapter, all the other chapters of HMW will be left intact except for fixing a few grammatical errors that I might've missed. A couple of chapters (10 and 15 come to mind) had some stuff edited to cope with th PC's standard. For example, Connie didn't kick Flannery in the PE2K version, she just bumped into her. Another thing that irked me was that the dialogues "being more descriptive". No offense to the person who brought that up, but that's one of the many reason's way I ended up getting in trouble at Serebii. To them, stuff like "CHARACTER: [really long action] <line...>", isn't appropiate for a fan fic, so I had to leave the actions in the narratives. That was really helpful to me, but I'm just afraid of getting in trouble again.

Also, I like my present way of writing. It may have some things that may irk people, but you either get used to it or totally reject it.

Either way, from this point on, all of HMW's chapters (except for grammar errors and such) will be identical to it's PE2K counterpart.
 
going to have *very little* or just no fanfic reviews at all for 2 weeks or so due to the upcoming midterm exam period... so wait patiently? ^^;


@ Rocks

-first punctuation there should be a semicolon I *believe*... not 100% sure. Some people say that a good way to check if you want the semicolon or the comma is to see if what is to follow the punctuation a complete phrase (which you'll want to use the comma then) or an incomplete sentence (which you'll want the semicolon.) However there are some cases which aren't defined by that rule... semicolon is just evil

-you need "nevertheless" after the first "but" for reasons unknown besides the guy who invented nevertheless... you need it just because you do need it =/ Yes English sucks...

-some more incomplete sentence or phrases that are lacking the transitional term... watch out for that.

-Jessibelle is still OOC even though she is suppressive against James... she abuses James in a way where her tone of voice and dialogues do not say things such as "... or else." Even in the dub of Holy Matrimony, Jessibelle's terror is shown implicitly, not explicitly like what is going on here. James is well done though.

-haha cute rewrite of a predictable story... the small symbols that run through the story is pretty cute too ^^ A short yet enjoyable read. Nothing much to comment on really (well that always happens in any of my review if the mark is above 80... lol)

Good Points
-rewriting a classical (also easily a boring) plot into an enjoyable read
-tone of voice
-story coherence in plot and structure

Focuses to Improve On
-grammar, especially with missing transitional words
-tone of voice for characters who shows their character rather implicitly
-coherence in personality for static characters

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 16/20
Coherence/Readability: 10/10
Tone/Structure: 17/20
Diction: 16/20
Effort/Originality: 15/20
Lit. Device bonus:+1 (symbolism)

Total: 82
 
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82?! o_O;

...I thought maybe 6 something. I typed it up in 15 minutes for crying out loud. ;_; I thought per chance Jessibelle....wait, never mind. I kind of compared her to the real Misty, as in the violent one, considering I get confused with all female characters with Misty...I thought it was too meaningless. =/ Now let's see a Lily's opinion of a good story get a 50 here. ^^
 
lol... the truth is that I don't like it ^^; but then even if I want to give it a low mark, I do need to find the excuses for the deductions hmm? =p

The ratings are mainly only to improve your writing ability, and no way can it really help you write a "better" story. Surely I can teach you various writing techniques or talk of different styles to assist you, but in the end, you'll have to do it yourself.
 
@ Missing a Piece of Christmas

-a note, not a mistake: Misty's official last name is not Waterflowers. Feel free to assume that as the last name, but do not ever call that official. Waterflower is used as a noun, not as the last name (ex: "Miyu Chan and Lilypichu? They're Americans." Miyu Chan and Lilypichu do not have the same last name, nor are their last name "American.")

-err... "marving?" o.o; check grammar/spelling please. Spell check work wonders. Also, it is "how much he had improved" not has... be careful not to flip your tenses around like that.

-watch out for run on sentences that aren't necessary for emphasize... check if you got a verb in every phrase

-a line seperation would have been very nice before the POV shifts back to Brock/Misty again, and before Misty goes off to find Ash

-slightly awkward to see Misty's quick change in emotions from seemingly violent to being so kind/sweet with the present

As for improvements on the story's structure that you can make...
-since setting plays probably the most important part in this story, the setting (especially time, and if it's snowing or not) should be mentioned asap.

-safe to say that almost all shipping stories play heavily on emotions. Personally expanding on Misty's worry about angering/upsetting Ash will probably improve the story a bit

-diction can use a bit of rearrangement or change... to call Ash's father "lost" inside the snow has already revealed the fact that he won't come back. This weakens the rest of the flashback as we already know what is going on. Changing lost to something else should cure this problem

-The incomplete phrase after "the kitchen household" can be taken out for emphasizing purposes. Writing it out actually did the reverse of lowering the tension. (and that phrase itself should be reworded as well... most important ideas almost always come last in a sentence. Therefore, the order should be talking about the pokeballs first, then Ash's father, as the lost of his father affects Ash far more than losing his first opportunity to get a Pokemon)

-"restored" is a better term than "found" on the last paragraph

Good Points
-simple, short, precise and sweet
-emotions are well explained
-original plot

Focuses to Improve On
-grammar check
-better usage of story breaks
-diction/structure

An excellent first attempt on a Pokemon fanfic

Grammar Basics: 7/10
Characterization: 15/20
Coherence/Readability: 8/10
Tone/Structure: 16/20
Diction: 13/20
Effort/Originality: 19/20
Lit. Device bonus:+2 (symbolism, allusion)

Total: 80
 
Thank you for the critism. =3 Hmmm.... looking back at some mistakes that you pointed out... I can't believe I did that. o.o; And I also can't believe that my computer spell check didn't point out 'marving'... *sweatdrop*

Thanks, it's just great that someone pointed out my mistakes, that way I'll remember not to make them next time. n_n;
 
Chapter 16 of Hoenn Mirror World is up.

I'm thinking about making a bit of a revision of HMW after I get all the chapters up. I've already done it with the first chapter (it WAS rather rushed, after all). If you don't mind, can someone give some honest opinions (good or bad) about the revised first chapter?
 
Hey, I'm planning on making a fanfic (working title being "Rogue Trainer" because I'm pretty sure that'll attract the interest of people just randomly browsing the forum), and I'm testing out a methodology in which I define/outline the characters and the initial time/place before writing the first chapter.

I have a certain character in mind. She won't come into the picture until much later. (Her character is already fairly defined because she was in a poorly-written Pokemon fanfic that I wrote five years ago.) Her shoulder-length, sheer thin-framed crescent-wreathed styled deep azure hair rests across her face, which, though calm and serene, is filled with a quiet kind of energy. She wears cargo jeans at the time she enters the story, but there's also a specific kind of... t-shirt, I believe, that she wears as well. It's... well...

I can picture it clearly in my mind but don't know the name for it. Maybe I would if I was female or interested in fashion, but sadly I am neither therefore... I have no idea what one calls this.

However, I can attempt (and fail, likely) to describe it. It's made of a thin material, almost like what a scarf is made of, but not transparent, and less than translucent. It's vaguely in the shape of a t-shirt, with very short, almost sleeveless (not quite; it covers the shoulders decently enough) "arms", and it can often seem a bit crinkled. I've seen it somewhat often IRL and have always thought it looked quite fashionable on women; I've usually seen it on thin, petite women, as it looks better on such I suspect. It can be button-up, I recall seeing it with buttons, in fact I suspect that it is always button-up because the material might tear if it was put on conventionally; the fit is loose but the size is quite close to the skin I suspect and difficult if not impossible to remove without unbuttoning. Often it's cut to allow visibility of the neck, but never anything lower than that--it seems a very professional article of clothing IMHO.

Can anyone tell me what I'm thinking of? Maybe direct me to a picture on Google Image Search so I can verify it? Is there a conventional way of describing what I'm picturing in my head? It's kind of silly but I feel like it's important for me to get this right, so I can convey the character correctly.

Thanks

Edit: Lack of response indicates that either everyone hates me or no one has any idea what I'm talking about. (Or few people visit this topic on Mondays.) Can anyone recommend to me a place where I might ask this question (and be more successful in finding an answer)?
 
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