the font wuz too big cuz i copy/pasted it from word '03
There is a solution to that. The post reply/edit reply box has a "remove formatting" button in it. It's the button with a letter 'A' that
isn't the change font color button. I would recommend fixing it, since messing with the font is against the forum rules. I'll provide you with a link so that you don't miss these rules again. I would advise reading them to prevent any infractions from being placed on you by moderators.
Pokemon FanFiction and Poetry rules.
Also, creating a thread without an actual beginning to a story is against the rules. I think they might let this slide since you eventually added a story to the thread, but I cannot be sure. I would advise that you don't do that again, and instead wait to create a thread until you have a prologue or first chapter written out.
Also, I would suggest writing in a word processing program (i.e. Microsoft Word). It will allow you to catch many more mistakes than you would catch if you simply typed it up in your browser. Also, Microsoft Word has a grammar and spell check, which places a squiggly line under the incorrect word/phrase. It even gives you suggestions to things you did incorrectly.
Anyway, on to the review.
As has been said before, it is a very short chapter. You have little description, which doesn't help bring in readers or keep their attention very long. You want to give the reader a vivid image of the scene by painting a picture with your words. Instead of focusing only on dialog, try to show the reader more of the nonverbal communication between the characters. Describe their gestures, their facial expressions, how they hold their body, etc.
You should also add more detail between different scenes. You don't want to rush it so fast that your readers don't know what's going on. Slow down, describe each scene with great detail, and try to make it possible for your reader to imagine the story as you do.
Now, to quote specific passages.
On the S.S. (whatever ship's name is in Sinnoh)
You never want to do this in a fanfiction. This kind of thing really turns readers off. If you're unsure of the boat's name, then Google it or use Bulbapedia. Either one will supply you with the correct answer.
Looking at his Empoleon, Empo, he asks whether or not it is ready, and the penguin pokemon replies with a determined nod from inside its pokeball.
More description here would have been nice. Not everyone knows what an Empoleon is (I, for one, haven't played D/P or read the manga after the Johto arcs.) Also, is the Pokeball completely transparent, or just parts of it? Not everyone has read the manga, and thus would not know that the top of the Pokeball is transparent and not the bottom. Clarification is needed here.
Typo there. Should be "gets".
He runs out onto the deck, and, surely enough, sees the frontier looming on the horizon.
The comma I have stricken out above should be omitted. I would also change the word "on" to "in".
Quick note: All separate paragraphs should have a blank line between them. Just press enter twice when ending a paragraph.
He coolly states that he wouldn't have resorted to brutal force if the man had simply backed away.
This part seems like you're directly quoting the manga. For one, it's unnecessary to say that he coolly stated it, and secondly, it is much more effective to say that he thought it. Besides, just restating the manga will get boring; if you add your own twist in then it becomes that much more exciting.
This, however, causes the security alarm to go off, and, cursing, the man swiftly exits the room.
Again, unnecessary comma before the "and". I would suggest
reading a guide on coordinating conjunctions to better understand how to place commas in them. You can find a basic guide to coordinating conjunctions in the link above, in the second post where it talks about FANBOYS.
Back on deck, Plat hears the alarm and, as rash as ever, dashes back into the ship.
The comma before "and" was unnecessary, but there should have been a comma after it and also after "dashes".
Running through the halls, Plat accidentally collides with the jumpsuit man, and is knocked down.
Again, the comma before the "and" should be removed. I'm assuming that this is an honest mistake and that you weren't aware of all of the comma rules yet. Don't worry about it; some of the comma rules are pretty hard to master. It only takes perseverence and the desire to learn. I'm confident that if you put your mind to it, then you will become much better at it ^^
Plat shouts at the man for his rudeness, but is angered even more when he is paid no attention to.
I would change the wording around a bit to something more along the lines of
Plat shouts at the man for being rude, but becomes angered when the man doesn't pay attention to him.
The revision I made above doesn't look as awkward as the original did and just looks nicer in general.
Quite annoyed, the boy begins to give chase.
This may be a matter of opinion, but I think that "quite" should be omitted. Just saying
Annoyed, the boy begins to give chase does the job well enough without the adverb before it.
Eventually catching up with the man, Plat continues to shout.
I don't get exactly why Plat would chase the man to only shout at him. You should give us a better idea of exactly what's going on here by describing how frantically Plat chased the man, how eagerly the man attempted to escape, etc. Including Plat's thoughts wouldn't be a bad idea either.
Stunned at the man's brutality, Plat barely avoids a hyper beam from Aggron.
I am a little confused by this. They're on a ship, and the Aggron uses Hyper Beam. It seems unrealistic, as the man would and should be afraid of the ship suffering damage and sinking. I find it highly improbable that he would risk his life by sending his Aggron after a mere child.
Thinking quickly, Plat sends out Empo and orders an Ice Beam, only to be blown backwards into the wall by another hyper beam. Injured slightly, Plat begins to get up, but bolts when he suddenly sees that his opponent is no longer there.
You should have used the adverb "quickly" instead of "quick". I bolded a section because of the sheer improbability of it. I mean, he was thrown into the wall by a Hyper Beam. I think he would be a little more than slightly injured. I would revise this if I were you, seeing as it just seems too unlikely. Also, why would he bolt if nobody was there and he had no idea where he went?
After a slight pause, the man grins that things are about to get interesting…
A few things are wrong with this sentence. First, you mispelled "interesting". Again, a word processor would prevent this from happening. Second, the last half of the sentence was worded strangely. I think it should have looked more like:
After a slight pause, the man begins to grin, thinking that things are about to get interesting.
This makes it appear much more presentable. Also, you may want to consider getting rid of the ellipses.
A few more notes to wrap this review up. First, you should consider getting a word processing program if you're already not using one. They have a few features that will help you improve your writing and make your fiction much more presentable. Secondly, you may want to see about getting a beta reader. They can find problems with your fictions better than you can because they (usually) won't be as biased about your writing as you are. They can help you find plot issues and other oddities that appear, such as word choice and grammar. Keep in mind that a beta reader is not a spell check, and that you should be able to proofread almost all of your typos out of your work.
Finally, I would look at other examples of fanfics based off of mangas. Turtleking's DP Special Manga is one such example. I would look at that if I were you.
Anyway, I hope this review helps you, and I look forward to seeing you improve ^^
