My Pokemon Platinum Manga

[MikeHill005]

well heres the new thread 4 it

anyway im writin a manga of platinum version related to pokespecial

tell me wat u think

 

[pikachu200]

I think it will be great

 

[Vernikova]

I think it would be great if you actually posted it. :\

 

[MikeHill005]

Ok heres chaper 1

things 2 know- Plat is a young trainer hoping to conquer the battle frontier, he owns an Empoleon named Empo, he's Dia's little brother (YES Dia from the DP pokespecial saga). Before, I had a chapter with all that introduction stuff in it, but I just decided to skip to the main plot. Enjoy!

Chapter 1: Vs. Aggron

On the S.S. (whatever ship's name is in Sinnoh), Plat eagerly awaits his arrival at the battle frontier. Looking at his Empoleon, Empo, he asks whether or not it is ready, and the penguin pokemon replies with a determined nod from inside its pokeball.
Over the intercom, the captain announces that they will be arriving at the frontier in ten minutes, and Plat gtes all hyped up. He runs out onto the deck, and, surely enough, sees the frontier looming on the horizon.
In the ship's control room, a man in a white jumpsuit stares down at the unconscious captain. He coolly states that he wouldn't have resorted to brutal force if the man had simply backed away. Snickering, the man turns to the control panel of the ship and commences to hack into the ship's main system. This, however, causes the security alarm to go off, and, cursing, the man swiftly exits the room.
Back on deck, Plat hears the alarm, and- as rash as ever- dashes back into the ship. Running through the halls, Plat accidentally collides with the jumpsuit man, and is knocked down. He apologizes, but is then pushed aside by the man, who keeps running. Plat shouts at the man for his rudeness, but is angered even more when he is paid no attention to. Quite annoyed, the boy begins to give chase.
Eventually catching up with the man, Plat continues to shout. Annoyed, the man yells at Plat to stop following him, and commences to send out his Aggron.
Stunned at the man's brutality, Plat barely avoids a hyper beam from Aggron. Thinking quick, Plat sends out Empo and orders an Ice Beam, only to be blown backwards into the wall by another hyper beam. Injured slightly, Plat begins to get up, but bolts when he suddenly sees that his opponent is no longer there.
On the top of the ship, the jumpsuit man is in the middle of a call on his Poketch. After hanging up, the man looks up to see the battle frontier straight ahead. After a slight pause, the man grins that things are about to get intresting…

 

[MikeHill005]

how's that for a first chapter?

 

[pikachu200]

Too short but it did have suspense and why was the font so large?

 

[MikeHill005]

yeah i know its too short thts somethin i'm gonna work on

the font wuz too big cuz i copy/pasted it from word '03

 

[Vernikova]

On the S.S. (whatever ship's name is in Sinnoh),

That's a bad way to start off anything because you should know things about what you're writing about.

I'm going to skip quoting some things and just generalize. You spelled some things wrong such as Pokémon and Pokéball. Dialouge should be used in your story to make it easier for the reader than just saying:

Looking at his Empoleon, Empo, he asks whether or not it is ready, and the penguin pokemon replies with a determined nod from inside its pokeball.

Capitalization when refering to places is also something that you should do. Describing what the characters and the surroundings look like more helps the reader creates a mental image of what is going on as well.

Personally though, I kind of find the reason Plat gave chase to the man wearing the white jumpsuit unrealistic. But that's just me of course.

 

[pikachu200]

Yes I agree with the criterialzation

 

[MikeHill005]

hehe yeah i know

but hey i had it planned out before, this is the 1st time i actually wrote it down. i guess i have some stuff 2 work on

 

[MikeHill005]

That's a bad way to start off anything because you should know things about what you're writing about.

I'm going to skip quoting some things and just generalize. You spelled some things wrong such as Pokémon and Pokéball. Dialouge should be used in your story to make it easier for the reader than just saying:


Capitalization when refering to places is also something that you should do. Describing what the characters and the surroundings look like more helps the reader creates a mental image of what is going on as well.

Personally though, I kind of find the reason Plat gave chase to the man wearing the white jumpsuit unrealistic. But that's just me of course.

im just starting on this so its kinda corny so far
unrealistic, ur probably right. i think wat im best at is depicting the fights.

by the way how did u make the e with the line on top

 

[Vernikova]

You press Alt+130 at the same time for é. But corniness shouldn't be an excuse.

 

[MikeHill005]

Warning spoilers

Characters

Plat- A very rash young trainer, he wishes to conquer the Sinnoh Battle Frontier.
He is quite brave, and often doesn't think before doing things, which can sometimes get him into trouble.

Pokemon (so far): Empoleon ("Empo") lv. 40

Diamond (Dia)- (same as from pokespecial)

Pearl- (same as from pokespecial)

Man in Jumpsuit (name to be revealed soon)- An antagonist in the Platinum series who works for (can't tell you yet). He specializes in pokemon with high attack & special attack.
Pokemon: Aggron lv. N/A, Blaziken lv. N/A

(name to be revealed soon)- a criminal mastermind who works with the other two antagonists. He specializes in pokemon with high defense & special defense.
Pokemon: Dusknoir lv. N/A, Shuckle lv. N/A

(name to be revealed soon)- a female antagonist that works with the other two antagonists.
Pokemon: Frosslass lv. N/A, Drifblim lv. N/A

 

[MikeHill005]

You press Alt+130 at the same time for é. But corniness shouldn't be an excuse.

Excuse?

WELL I'm sorry if i've only attempted to make one chapter so far!

 

[Vernikova]

im just starting on this so its kinda corny so far
unrealistic, ur probably right. i think wat im best at is depicting the fights.

by the way how did u make the e with the line on top

Excuse?

WELL I'm sorry if i've only attempted to make one chapter so far!

I was responding to the part in bold.

 

[ANARCHit3cht]

IT was a little short, and yeah you should know the names of important places. For the e I use alt+0233 é é is there a difference? Or am I just tripping out of my mind?

 

[Post Office Buddy]

the font wuz too big cuz i copy/pasted it from word '03

There is a solution to that. The post reply/edit reply box has a "remove formatting" button in it. It's the button with a letter 'A' that isn't the change font color button. I would recommend fixing it, since messing with the font is against the forum rules. I'll provide you with a link so that you don't miss these rules again. I would advise reading them to prevent any infractions from being placed on you by moderators.

Pokemon FanFiction and Poetry rules.

Also, creating a thread without an actual beginning to a story is against the rules. I think they might let this slide since you eventually added a story to the thread, but I cannot be sure. I would advise that you don't do that again, and instead wait to create a thread until you have a prologue or first chapter written out.

Also, I would suggest writing in a word processing program (i.e. Microsoft Word). It will allow you to catch many more mistakes than you would catch if you simply typed it up in your browser. Also, Microsoft Word has a grammar and spell check, which places a squiggly line under the incorrect word/phrase. It even gives you suggestions to things you did incorrectly.

Anyway, on to the review.

As has been said before, it is a very short chapter. You have little description, which doesn't help bring in readers or keep their attention very long. You want to give the reader a vivid image of the scene by painting a picture with your words. Instead of focusing only on dialog, try to show the reader more of the nonverbal communication between the characters. Describe their gestures, their facial expressions, how they hold their body, etc.

You should also add more detail between different scenes. You don't want to rush it so fast that your readers don't know what's going on. Slow down, describe each scene with great detail, and try to make it possible for your reader to imagine the story as you do.

Now, to quote specific passages.

On the S.S. (whatever ship's name is in Sinnoh)

You never want to do this in a fanfiction. This kind of thing really turns readers off. If you're unsure of the boat's name, then Google it or use Bulbapedia. Either one will supply you with the correct answer.

Looking at his Empoleon, Empo, he asks whether or not it is ready, and the penguin pokemon replies with a determined nod from inside its pokeball.

More description here would have been nice. Not everyone knows what an Empoleon is (I, for one, haven't played D/P or read the manga after the Johto arcs.) Also, is the Pokeball completely transparent, or just parts of it? Not everyone has read the manga, and thus would not know that the top of the Pokeball is transparent and not the bottom. Clarification is needed here.

Plat gtes all hyped up.

Typo there. Should be "gets".

He runs out onto the deck, and, surely enough, sees the frontier looming on the horizon.

The comma I have stricken out above should be omitted. I would also change the word "on" to "in".

Quick note: All separate paragraphs should have a blank line between them. Just press enter twice when ending a paragraph.

He coolly states that he wouldn't have resorted to brutal force if the man had simply backed away.

This part seems like you're directly quoting the manga. For one, it's unnecessary to say that he coolly stated it, and secondly, it is much more effective to say that he thought it. Besides, just restating the manga will get boring; if you add your own twist in then it becomes that much more exciting.

This, however, causes the security alarm to go off, and, cursing, the man swiftly exits the room.

Again, unnecessary comma before the "and". I would suggest reading a guide on coordinating conjunctions to better understand how to place commas in them. You can find a basic guide to coordinating conjunctions in the link above, in the second post where it talks about FANBOYS.

Back on deck, Plat hears the alarm and, as rash as ever, dashes back into the ship.

The comma before "and" was unnecessary, but there should have been a comma after it and also after "dashes".

Running through the halls, Plat accidentally collides with the jumpsuit man, and is knocked down.

Again, the comma before the "and" should be removed. I'm assuming that this is an honest mistake and that you weren't aware of all of the comma rules yet. Don't worry about it; some of the comma rules are pretty hard to master. It only takes perseverence and the desire to learn. I'm confident that if you put your mind to it, then you will become much better at it ^^

Plat shouts at the man for his rudeness, but is angered even more when he is paid no attention to.

I would change the wording around a bit to something more along the lines of

Plat shouts at the man for being rude, but becomes angered when the man doesn't pay attention to him.

The revision I made above doesn't look as awkward as the original did and just looks nicer in general.

Quite annoyed, the boy begins to give chase.

This may be a matter of opinion, but I think that "quite" should be omitted. Just saying Annoyed, the boy begins to give chase does the job well enough without the adverb before it.

Eventually catching up with the man, Plat continues to shout.

I don't get exactly why Plat would chase the man to only shout at him. You should give us a better idea of exactly what's going on here by describing how frantically Plat chased the man, how eagerly the man attempted to escape, etc. Including Plat's thoughts wouldn't be a bad idea either.

Stunned at the man's brutality, Plat barely avoids a hyper beam from Aggron.

I am a little confused by this. They're on a ship, and the Aggron uses Hyper Beam. It seems unrealistic, as the man would and should be afraid of the ship suffering damage and sinking. I find it highly improbable that he would risk his life by sending his Aggron after a mere child.

Thinking quickly, Plat sends out Empo and orders an Ice Beam, only to be blown backwards into the wall by another hyper beam. Injured slightly, Plat begins to get up, but bolts when he suddenly sees that his opponent is no longer there.

You should have used the adverb "quickly" instead of "quick". I bolded a section because of the sheer improbability of it. I mean, he was thrown into the wall by a Hyper Beam. I think he would be a little more than slightly injured. I would revise this if I were you, seeing as it just seems too unlikely. Also, why would he bolt if nobody was there and he had no idea where he went?

After a slight pause, the man grins that things are about to get interesting…

A few things are wrong with this sentence. First, you mispelled "interesting". Again, a word processor would prevent this from happening. Second, the last half of the sentence was worded strangely. I think it should have looked more like:

After a slight pause, the man begins to grin, thinking that things are about to get interesting.

This makes it appear much more presentable. Also, you may want to consider getting rid of the ellipses.

A few more notes to wrap this review up. First, you should consider getting a word processing program if you're already not using one. They have a few features that will help you improve your writing and make your fiction much more presentable. Secondly, you may want to see about getting a beta reader. They can find problems with your fictions better than you can because they (usually) won't be as biased about your writing as you are. They can help you find plot issues and other oddities that appear, such as word choice and grammar. Keep in mind that a beta reader is not a spell check, and that you should be able to proofread almost all of your typos out of your work.

Finally, I would look at other examples of fanfics based off of mangas. Turtleking's DP Special Manga is one such example. I would look at that if I were you.

Anyway, I hope this review helps you, and I look forward to seeing you improve ^^

 

[Astinus]

I would highly suggest getting a beta reader to help you with your story.

I would also suggest that you take more time looking over your story before posting it, to make sure that it meets the standards of this section.

This thread is also getting very spammy, with posts like the ones where you just talk about your characters. That is information that should be shared in the actual story, not in a separate post.

I'm going to leave your thread open, and give you another chance to improve. Read over both the community rules and the rules of this section before posting. If there is no improvement in your next chapter, or if this thread becomes full of spam, it will be closed.

 

[TurtleKing]

I would highly suggest getting a beta reader to help you with your story.

I would also suggest that you take more time looking over your story before posting it, to make sure that it meets the standards of this section.

This thread is also getting very spammy, with posts like the ones where you just talk about your characters. That is information that should be shared in the actual story, not in a separate post.

I'm going to leave your thread open, and give you another chance to improve. Read over both the community rules and the rules of this section before posting. If there is no improvement in your next chapter, or if this thread becomes full of spam, it will be closed.

I would consider betaing it if it's okay with the author :)