[Other Original] Poetry, Short stories, etc. - #19 - Short story "A Moment Recessed"

[Bay]

Sounds like that narrator had quite an adventure there. I feel there should be a tighter connection between the narrator's soul searching from the first few paragraphs and then the stuff they experienced in latter paragraphs. Perhaps they can reflect some of the stuff they had learned depending on the place, something like the paragraph with the gypsy fortuneteller? Otherwise I think I like the ending where in the end the narrator's last thoughts is more on the somber side of things.

 

[Sonata]

10. Count

Totally not reaching for ten psychics before I take my week long trip to Michigan. This was based off of a writing prompt on Reddit which said that you had to write a short story where each line or paragraph began with a number counting down from 10 to 0. I've been thinking about space a lot, so maybe my next short will be something related to that as well.

Spoiler:

Ten. The number of days we've had to train for this excursion.

Nine. The number of people preparing at this moment to be sent out into space.

Eight. The number of people who have made their peace and are prepared to stay behind.

Seven. The number of years that we've known about this threat.

Six. The number of seconds that it took for us to realize that regardless of how long we'd had to prepare for what was to come, we would never truly be ready for it.

Five. The number of seconds left before we leave the safety of this station and confront our enemy.

Four. The number of family members that I lost while preparing to serve.

Three. The number of miniature nukes, strapped to each of our chests.

Two. The number of intelligent races advanced enough for interplanetary travel.

One. The single, almighty God which lied to us about our very natures and reasons for existing.

Zero. The number of us who will be returning from this trip; alien, or human.

 

[Sonata]

11.

I'll open my wings and soar
On the winds,
Quiet whispers of your voice.

Whether big or small
The winds shall carry me,
For that is my choice.

Whether strong or mild
Your winds - an uplifting force,
Even when they cause us to clash.

I'll open my wings and soar
On those winds of yours,
Until I turn to ash.

For with no winds, a bird cannot fly
And without flight, a bird is no better than a mouse,
Just as me without you, is nothing more than a pest.

 

[Sonata]

I've been thinking about revisiting and rewriting two of my stories - the zombie one from the beginning of this all, and the visitor. Most of the people I've had read the visitor have stated that some parts of it could have been better the ending and that if those were fixed it could be a much more enjoyable read after I told them exactly how I'd envisioned it before getting lazy. And then the zombie story was just a complete mess that could possibly be salvaged if I put in a bit more effort. Just calling out, wondering if there's any interest for either one. :)

 

[Sonata]

12. Start of a song I've been trying to help my gf write

Hold Me.

My thoughts are suppressed
I am so stressed
I just wanna go to bed
With all the shit in my head

I am sad

Some days I want to cry
Other days I want to die
Honestly, I don't know why
I am, the way I am

So show me how to understand
Please take my hand
Just lay with me
Baby just let me be

Show me, how to be more

Some days I want to cry
Other days I want to die
Honestly, I don't know why
I am, the way I am

Sometimes you don't know what's real
Until you've learned how to feel
For you to awaken the happiness inside
But choose not to walk by my side

Was it nice, to have such a lonely girl?

 

[Sonata]

13. Blackwater

There's a darkness down below,
Just beneath the surface.
Something begins to glow,
Not yet with a purpose.

The waters reflect,
Our innermost desires.
So we go to inspect,
What lights our fires.

We see our wishes,
And hear our hearts voices.
The darkness begins to flourish,
As we start to make our choices.

Lives within darkness,
Or life with lightness.
A world without fairness,
Or a world of equal without excess.

Our hearts desire,
Our minds defy.
That brilliant fire,
Making us beatify.

But when the truth,
Comes to surface.
Body and soul are made uncouth,
As the blackwaters divine their purpose.

 

[Sonata]

14. Forevermore

Forevermore
I will hold you
Forevermore
I will scold you
Forevermore
I will love you
Forevermore
I will have you

Forevermore
Is the time we have together
Forevermore
Is the things we do together
Forevermore
Is the feelings we hold together
Forevermore
Is the time we spend together

Forevermore
An eternity to be
Forevermore
A world to have
Forevermore
An existence to covet
Forevermore
Our love is to cherish

Forevermore
We are
Forevermore
Will we always be

 

[Sonata]

15. ???

Its okay to feel pain,
It's alright to be sad.
Time will wash away the memories,
But no current can erode this misery.

A god watches, either from up high or down below,
The almighty judge, his own jury.
Bringing up evidences of good or of evil,
The judgement is passed, and the world is sentenced.

A darkness spreads across the land,
Man, woman and child feel it's burden.
Lights flicker, warding off the dark,
But eventually all flames will fade.

Our judgements, hindered by theirs,
Our actions, harmless at once, given repercutions.
The good die young,
And the elderly live forever.

Our shortcomings, a gift from our parents,
Our sins, the curses of our gods.
With time we might make amends,
But no current can erode away the dirt from our souls.

 

[Sonata]

16. Addict

"Hello, my name is Joe and I'm an addict. Hello, my name is Joe! I'm an addict. Hello, my name is..."

The man stopped outside of the gymnasium. The sun had already begun to set, and the sign on the wall showed that the meeting had already started an hour ago. Joe was running late, and the nervousness was eating away at him. The man walked into the building, his palms sweating and his forehead beading as he grabbed one of the numerous chairs that were stacked along a small folding table with a greeting card and cookies set atop it.

Welcome!
A generic smiling face had been enlarged to take up the majority of the page without any thought as to how it presented the group.
A Place For Sharing. A Place For Confidance. All Addictions Welcome.

Joe gripped tightly the edge of the seat's back as he walked into the gymnasium, his footsteps echoing on the linoleum floor. In the center of the basketball court sat a circle of men and women of varying ethnicity, and in the center of them all sat a white male who seemed to be in his late fifties. The elderly man spun around in his rolling chair to face Joe as he approached, breaking up the story that one of the attendees was in the process of telling.

"Welcome! You're just in time. Joe, I presume? Your brother told me all about you. I can't wait for you to join us." The elderly man's teeth were brown and his gums were recessed and slightly black. He held a styrofoam cup in his left hand and a packet of chew in his right.

Joe nodded his head slightly, not quite committed to the whole thing yet. The circle broke apart slowly as all the other members of the group shifted their seats slightly to provide room for the new arrival.

"It's alright Joseph, no need to be shy. We're all friends here." The elderly man swung his arms out slowly, letting the weight of his right arm carry him as the chair spun around. "Now that you've arrived, we'll let Markus finish his story and then we'll move on to Margaret before turning it over to you, Joe."

"A-alright."

The man took his seat, twidling his thumbs as he listened to story after story from the two people set before him. Markus was an un-salvageable mess, addicted to a number of things but mainly alcohol and women. His life had been falling apart around him for years, and he'd been coming to these sessions for well over five already. He'd lost his wife, his three kids, two of his lovers and another fiance all since he'd started coming to the sessions under the request of his now ex-wife. He seemed to be the type of man who was holding on to life by a thin thread, living day to day and hoping that nothing more happens.

His story today seemed to be about a recent call to the police by one of his neighbors. Apparently, Markus had been out drinking until three in the morning and had already been escorted home by an officer who happened to be a friend of his from high school. But after he got into his house, he'd somehow coerced his old friend to sit down for a drink with him which quickly turned into a competition of who could down the most shots of Goldschläger. The cop won, but not before Markus had managed to slip away the man's taser and run off into the night yelling about something he couldn't even recall, all while the officer was slowly rolling along beside him in his service vehicle. As Markus recalled the story, a smile spread across his lips and he burst into a fit of giggles as he began to ramble off into an incoherent mumble, calling his friend a number of unpleasant names each followed by its own individual and unique laugh.

Margaret on the other hand, was completely the opposite of Markus. All the while he'd been telling his stories, she'd been clenching her fists, the vein in her neck growing dangerously large as her eyes widened. Turns out, Margaret had had a number of run-ins with the law herself, some of which did include the very officer which Markus had just been talking about. The woman said that she had fits of uncontrollable rage caused by the slightest of things. She loved to hit people; loved to see them bleed. Margaret had once been a schoolteacher, but after beating one of her students she was let go to pursue other careers. She'd taken up the title of babysitter and lowered her rates to extremely low points in order to draw in only the poorest of parents whose kids she would then abuse for the smallest of things on a daily basis. It was sickening to hear about all the things that she'd done and how happy she looked while talking about it.

"Now Margaret," the old man slowly started in, spitting a large globule of dark liquid into his cup before licking his lips, "you've not done any of that recently have you? We talked about this, remember? One more slip up, and I won't be able to keep the officers away from you. It doesn't matter if any of the parents say it's alright for you to do the things that you do, because you know it's not right. We know it's not right, and the police know it's not right. That's why they took your neighbor's side, even though the parents of the kids you watch didn't seem to care."

The smile quickly ran away from her face as she grit her teeth. "You know I ain't done nuthin' Herb. I been bein' good 'round them kids here lately. Been lis'nin to ya. Takin' what'cha say to heart." She nodded, abruptly cutting off her own words as she folded her arms across her chest. "Move on over to the new guy. I'm sure we're all just itchin' to hear what he has to say." Herb's gaze lingered on Margaret, causing her to shift uneasily. Her eyes kept drifting, meeting with his before she whipped her head back to the side, facing Joe.

"Alright then," Herb began, putting another piece of tobacco into his lip, "go on with what you have to say. Let everyone know why it is that you're here."

Joe nodded and swallowed several times as he tried to gather his words. "Hi, my name's Joe and I'm an addict." Everyone in the circle nodded, and Herbert motioned for him to continue. "I- I... I'm addicted to eating. You might not be able to tell since if I lifted this shirt, all you'd see is bones, but it's true. I can't control myself. I can't even make the decision what or when I want to eat, I just do. Sometimes it's in the middle of the night, other times it's while I'm in the bathroom at work. All I know, is that when the hunger comes, I've got to have it."

Herb cleared his throat as he straightened himself up in his chair. "And uh, what is it Joe, that you have to have when you feel this hunger?"

"It's..." he paused, looking around the room. "It's bread. It's always bread. Exactly two slices, but what's in between doesn't matter. Whatever's close does the trick. I've poured scalding hot coffee on the bread before, shoving it down my throat as it caused boils on both my hands and my mouth. I've eaten silverware, clothes, bed sheets and pillows, even electronics at times. I've no real idea just how many times I've had to eat my phone in order to make the hunger go away."

"And what happens Joe, if the hunger isn't fulfilled? What happens if you don't happen to have some bread or something to shove in it?"

"I, I don't know. I've never let it go that far. Every time I feel the hunger, I just know. I know that I have to have it, there's no other way around it. It's as if something inside me is trying to claw its way through my stomach, just so it can get its hands on more bread. It's weird, I know. But... I can't explain it properly."

"When was the last time you ate, Joe? Was it today? Yesterday?"

"It was yesterday. I went through the whole day without feeling the hunger, but then as I was laying in bed it hit me. I pulled the loaf out of my dresser drawer and shoved my Rolex into it. I've gotten used to it recently, so I've been bringing two pieces of bread with me everywhere I go, lest I make a scene by unexpectedly rushing out from wherever I am just to get my hands on some."

"So then, you've not eaten today? Do you think your hunger might arise while you're in this meeting?"

"I... I don't know. But if it does, I'll be ready."

"I know it's only your first day, and we want you to feel welcome. But what would you think if I took the bread from you? Just until this session is over?"

"I... I think that would be a very bad idea."

"You don't trust us? You don't trust me? You need to get help Joseph, that's why your brother referred you to me. If you don't let us help you, how will you ever get better?"

"I know, I know... It's just, I don't think I'm quite ready for that step yet. I trust you, but..."

"If you trust us, then let us have the bread. You've got to let go of it if you want to be released from the hunger's possession."

"I... I suppose I could... just for a little while..."

Joseph stood from his chair and reached his hand into his back pocket where a small ziplock bag was sealed tight, two pieces of white bread compressed within it. The man held the baggie by the corners as he swung it slowly, back and forth. The bread swayed as Herbert sat up, holding out his hand.

"Take the bread out of the baggie and let me have it."

"Why does it have to come out?" Joe swallowed hard as he took a step back.

"In your mind, the baggie acts like a barrier doesn't it? If the bread isn't right out in front of you, you might not feel the hunger, is that what you're thinking?" The man shook his head. "It's just a plastic bag. There's no magic to it, or to your hunger. You've got a problem Joseph, and in order to confront and remedy that problem, you need to face it head on. You need to be strong. And despite whatever it is you might think about yourself, you are indeed strong."

Joe dropped his left hand from the bag and began to scratch at his bared chest, staring at the bag still dangling from between the thumb and forefinger of his right hand. "I... I... I..." Joe bit his lip and grimaced, pulling his left hand back up to the pouch as he peeled it open. A stale aroma wafted up into his nose as he closed his eyes, placing the slices into each of Herbert's hands.

Hear me. A whisper. Feast. Fulfill your hunger.

"I'm not hungry."

Herbert flipped the pieces of bread between his hands as he looked up lazily at Joe, his legs wobbling as he went to sit back down. "What was that?"

Feast. Feast. Feast on the grain. Feast on the land. Feast on man. Feast on the dust and the dirt.

"I said I'm not hungry. Leave me alone." Joe's eyes were still closed, visions of bread flashed through his mind as he bit down harder onto his lip, drawing a small amount of blood.

Feast. Feast and become whole. Feast for the God who created you. Feast for the Devil who burdened you. Feast. Feast for you to become whole. Feast for you to become original. Feast, for as to come to the beginning.

Joe's eyes shot open. Bloodshot and wild. His pupils were enlarged to the point of nearly consuming his irises. In an instant, he had come to top Herbert. The elderly man's hand was trapped between the two pieces of bread as Joe opened his mouth, splitting it at the corners. In the blink of an eye, he had torn through half of the bread and completely removed the hand, and a portion of the forearm of the elderly man. The bread slowly slid back from the gushing wound, the man's blood causing it to grow soggy as it reached Herb's elbow.

"Feast. Feast. Feast." Joe droned on in between bites. The whisper had disappeared from his ear as the hunger overtook him.

"Holy shit! What in the fuck!" Markus shouted as he and the others in attendance all shot up from their seats, knocking them to the ground as they turned halfway towards the door, not able to look away from the scene.

"Join in the feast, and become whole my brothers. Join in the feast, and become the original my sisters. Join in the feast. Feast. Feast."

Three of the members of the group had already made it to and through the door by the time Joe began to speak again. The others, however, were too shocked by what they'd just witnessed to move any faster than a slow walk as they continued to look on in a mixture of horror and intrigue.

"Join in the feast. Feast. Feast. Feast on the flesh, feast on the land. Feast for the God who created us, and the Devil who burdened us. Feast, feast with me. Feast with the original, and become original yourselves."

Slowly, the rest of the group who had remained behind made their way towards the elderly man who writhed in pain on the floor, helpless as he tried to push away from his attacker but to no avail. The pool of blood beneath Herbert continued to expand as Markus, Margaret and a number of others formed a close circle around Herb.

"Feast and feast," a gentle voice came from the entrance to the gymnasium, slightly louder than a whisper. "Thirst for knowledge and thirst for power. Quench them with the feast. Feast for God, feast for the Devil. Feast for yourself, the creation of both. Feast for ascendance, and feast for deliverance. Feast for the fall, for all who feast shall. Feast on, feast on. Feast on my friend, my brother and my sister. Feast on the feast-less, and feast on, for them."

 

[Bay]

I admit, at first I thought Joe's addiction was pretty tame compare to like alcohol, and then you dropped the bomb with that ending. Should have known you would pull that off, haha. I do agree that the long conversation with Herb and Joe that you could show off more reactions and descriptions during their conversation, but otherwise I enjoyed this latest piece of yours.

 

[Sonata]

#17 - Preporod

The day has come already. The time when my entire life from this point on shall be established. I'm not exactly nervous, more-so just scared… well… everything I suppose. Maybe I am nervous. I feel like crying, but no matter how hard I push there are no tears. My mom stayed up all night, baking cakes and other such briberies. I've never heard of a person bribing Sudbina, but it couldn't hurt, could it?

I shook my head, trying to clear away all the negative thoughts. My friend Carlos had already signed his note months ago. Said it was the easiest thing he ever did. Said we'd been building it up all our lives to be some grandiose moment only to realize that… it's not. The Sudbina gives you the paper and runs a few tests. The possibilities appear, and you're given a choice. Apparently, the whole process can take around thirty seconds if you just let things do as they will.

I'm still afraid though. The responsibility of sticking with our decisions… the maturity that they force onto us… I'm only sixteen, why should I really have to decide everything right now? It always used to piss me off, knowing that at some point this day would come and I'd be forced into submission just like everyone else. We are powerless in His presence after all… I'd often dreamed of what I could do, what I could say to buy myself just a little more time. Just a few more days or even a week. On some wild occasions, I'd think about what would happen if I just defied it all. I thought, what if I just brought with me a weapon to the table. Take out all the years of pent up aggression and anxiety on the Sudbina.

Yet here I stand, or sit rather. Empty handed, waiting patiently for him to come to my door so I can celebrate the rest of my birthday in relative peace. Hours tick by as me and my mother stare at the door, waiting for His call. My mother, wonderful as she is, can't control her excitement. Her baby boy is finally all grown up after all, now we're in the final leg of the race and she'll be free of me for good. As soon as I sign the note, I'll be shipped off to training for whatever path I choose.

My mother, bless her heart… she never gave any thought to herself when she signed her own note. By that time, she was already pregnant with me and my father had long since left the picture. Nobody signs a note for only a few days in the future… it's just… it's just not something that you do. Regardless of how you feel about it, you have to accept it. I guess that's part of growing up… thinking about it now, even if I wanted to defy Him, even if I wanted to break free of this cycle, I couldn't. My mother would always be there, holding me back. If I didn't sign the note, then she would be forced to resign her own… forced to take the fall for my… my lack of self-confidence.

I guess, that's why I'm sitting here now like I am. Waiting patiently. A loyal dog, awaiting its master. More hours tick by. Tick. Tick. A painfully slow whittling away of the day, an uncertain approach of the rest of my life. Nobody truly knows the nature of the Sudbina. It comes when it wants, appraises as it pleases, and negotiates as it sees fit. There is no middle man with Him. Expecting anything different would be pointless. The Sudbina signs notes, for it has none of its own. It is unbound, and so it binds. But for what reason? Is being unbound, really so horrid that you'd go out of your way to bind others?

I rap my fingers against the table. My mother gnaws at her nails as she strides back and forth between the kitchen and the living room, checking on the fifteenth pie of the day. The whole house is radiating with the aroma of cinnamon and pineapple. It's nauseating. My head slowly begins to ache as I place it in my palms, resting atop elbows braced lazily against the wood table. I take in a deep breath and sigh, squeezing at my temples with both of my ring fingers.

Knock. Light, and quiet. Knock knock. A quick, briefly interrupted trio, fluttering against the door. My mother rushes to the entrance, her face bright red and her eyes aglimmer. The door sways open on its hinges, as if pressed by a light breeze. The man in the frame is tall, surprisingly so. His face is obscured by the top of the door. He leans his right leg into the room, greeting my mother with a smile and nod before pulling the rest of his body inside. The Sudbina.

A tall, Indian man. Built like a noted weightlifter, the loose fitting suit fooling nobody. His teeth were aligned so perfectly, like a set of marble dominos set within his mouth. A plain looking briefcase was gently set on the table as the Sudbina scratched the back of his head. Two metal clasps unlocked on their own, allowing the container to spring itself open and reveal the mountain of paperwork which the man would have to tackle at a later date.

The Sudbina looked each piece of parchment over individually, a pair of reading glasses set on the tip of his nose, teetering, threatening to drop to the ground with each subtle movement. After several seconds of sifting through paperwork, the man pulled free a single, blank page. The Subdina placed the paper in front of me and pressed his finger against the top of it, causing a number of words to show themselves. He looked at me, his eyes half-closed and a gentle smile plastered across his face.

Note of Meleanolu Askranaba
This note, issued by the Sudbina of New Langasta shows that the aforementioned is now of age, and as such is required to undergo life-training in his or her selected path. Due to a legacy of _____ , _____ , _____ and _____ ; it has been deemed that the paths of ______ , ______ , and _____ are of open availability. In regards to workload expectancy, the provided sum of _____ Preporod allows for _____ years, _____ months, ______ days, _____ hours, ______ minutes and _____ seconds. Cause of termination shall be, _____.

This was it. His entire life plan, laid out in a handful of words and blank spaces. The Sudbina motioned for my mother to come near, to which she complied almost immediately. Her hair bounced in every which direction, the once golden locks now stained with gray flew all about as she rummaged around the room. After nearly five minutes, she returned to the man with a small booklet which held the total savings of all her accounts. Everything extra she'd ever made, put aside for this day. Her entire path, dedicated to ensuring that only the best options were available to me. The Sudbina tossed the booklet into the air a few times, weighing the sum of its contents. He smiled softly and tapped on the page once more.

Note of Meleanolu Askranaba
This note, issued by the Sudbina of New Langasta shows that the aforementioned is now of age, and as such is required to undergo life-training in his or her selected path. Due to a legacy of _____ , _____ , _____ and _____ ; it has been deemed that the paths of ______ , ______ , and _____ are of open availability. In regards to workload expectancy, the provided sum of 4,873.811 Preporod allows for 52 years, 11 months, 24 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes and 12 seconds. Cause of termination shall be, _____.

Tears began to well up in my mother's eyes as she covered her mouth with both of her hands. Fifty-two years. It was a terribly short time... even after all that she'd done to ensure my success... nearly everyone I knew had been able to sign a note for a hundred years, at the very least. Fifty years was... it was just barely a taste. I could feel my own eyes beginning to burn as it all sank in. A single tear rolled down my cheek as the Sudbina tapped on the page once more.

Note of Meleanolu Askranaba
This note, issued by the Sudbina of New Langasta shows that the aforementioned is now of age, and as such is required to undergo life-training in his or her selected path. Due to a legacy of _____ , _____ , _____ and _____ ; it has been deemed that the paths of ______ , ______ , and _____ are of open availability. In regards to workload expectancy, the provided sum of 4,873.811 Preporod allows for 52 years, 11 months, 24 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes and 12 seconds. Cause of termination shall be, Suicide.

My heart stopped. This was it. The least favorable outcome. With this note, my own mother would outlive me and be forced to bear the shame of knowing that no matter how hard she'd worked, it never amounted to anything. Her own son would take his life. I had no idea what to say or what to do. The Sudbina continued to smile, his gaze slowly rotating between my mother and myself as he pressed the page forward, awaiting our acceptance of the terms. I couldn't bring myself to touch the note. My entire body was frozen, and my saliva had been replaced with cotton. We were all stuck there within that moment, unable to comprehend what was going on while He continued to smile as if this were a joyous occasion. Slowly, my mother walked over to me, her eyes fixed on the floor as she pressed her finger against the paper. She didn't say a word to me. She didn't even look in my direction. This is what her life had led to up until now. She was determined to see it through, regardless of what the outcome was.

Note of Meleanolu Askranaba
This note, issued by the Sudbina of New Langasta shows that the aforementioned is now of age, and as such is required to undergo life-training in his or her selected path. Due to a legacy of Miners , Catfish , Dogs and Savages ; it has been deemed that the paths of Fisherman , Sea Slug , and Savage are of open availability. In regards to workload expectancy, the provided sum of 4,873.811 Preporod allows for 52 years, 11 months, 24 days, 7 hours, 46 minutes and 12 seconds. Cause of termination shall be, Suicide.

All the paths presented were just slightly above the bottom-most layer of those available to the Polubog. Preporod were meant to further our existence, yet the unlucky few were cursed to scavenge the lowest tiers of life in order to survive. There was always the chance that your next Preporod would allow for advancement, but in order to truly advance you needed to accumulate hundreds of years... with my measly expectancy, it would take me hundreds of thousands of Preporod in order to climb the ranks. As a Polubog, I was doomed. My entire existence in this world, a running joke to the Sudbina and others like Him. At that moment, I knew that I had to rebel. Regardless of my mother, regardless of myself. I had to break my cycle. My rebirth would not be coming, nor my redeath.

I loved my mother. I knew she would be burdened further by the sudden loss and immediate termination of her own note... but she could start a new Preporod. She wasn't cursed as I was. Her Preporod was always on the rise, no matter what path she chose. I would never be so lucky. My only choice was to break free, to ensure I never had a Preporod to set me on the scheme-ful rails of the Sudbina. I rose from the table without saying a word and made my way into the kitchen. I picked a knife from one of the numerous display cases. The item was coated in long since dried blood, a memento from my mothers first Preporod. A sacrificial blade to start her cycle, and one to end mine before it began. I took the item in both hands and plunged it into my chest, quickly falling to the floor in pain.

My Preporod had been avoided. The cycle of Preporod would never come for me. Polubog or no, a relic such as the one now in my chest could break any spell. And yet, the Sudbina's smile ceased to fade. My mother hovered over me as the light began to fade from my eyes. Her graying locks dangled over my face as she shoved a single finger into my wound, drawing more of my blood and coating her fingers with it. She strode over to the note. Confident and sorrowful, she signed the note in my stead, sealing my ticket into Preporod.

An eternity of darkness seemed to pass, until eventually I awoke in a world completely different from my own. A woman looked down on me with a smile upon her face. Her cheeks were flushed red as she spoke to me words that I could not understand. A man pressed his face against hers, and then their lips connected as their eyes closed. Men in blue uniforms held me up and cut something from my stomach where the relic had been. A sterile smell overtook me as my face was pressed against the woman's breast. Slowly, I lost all control of myself and began to suck at her teat. A constant beep, like that of a heartbeat droned on beside me as more and more people filled the room, all with faces that seemed to radiate happiness. This was the start of my cycle. A Polubog's Preporod. A demigod's first rebirth.

 

[Sonata]

18. Past Love

Another song's start?

--

Take my thoughts and burn them, damn they're such a burden.
Take my bones and bury me, steal me away from this space.
My heart is a cage and my mind is a trap.

You say let's bury the hatchet, but make it more about burying our hearts.
Our past is real whether you like it or not, at least try to play your part.
No need to feel ashamed, just learn from your mistakes.
I'll forever be an un-healing scar on your history, your lackadaisical attitude a stinging departure.

Take my thoughts and burn them, damn they're such a burden.
Take my bones and bury me, steal me away from this space.
My heart is a cage and my mind is a trap.

My emotions are a torrent, and you're my breaking dam.
Open the gates and I'll rush back in, only for you to close again so quickly.
Again and again I tumble over, wishing for a different stream on the other side of the fall.
It's always the same, yet I run ever on.

The love we had was as a flower, beautiful and yet so fickle.
One thumb of green and one of naught, our petals fell as soon as they'd bloomed.
The rains stopped falling and ice replaced them, the blossoms of our love fell into a dormant state.
Yet when the rain came and with it I, your blooms had found themselves a different hand of nurture.

 

[Sonata]

19. A Moment Recessed

Four years since the last entry here. Oof. How time flies.

This is an idea that's been bouncing around in my head for about a year or so now. I've come back to it time and time again, not really sure what I wanted to do with it or how to go about actually explaining it as I continued to tack on little bits and pieces of my own argument for or against it. But it's here now - a question that will now no longer plague my mind regardless of how incomplete I find my own answer.

---

Spoiler:

You're back. Here again; sitting at that same table, reading that same menu, struggling to meet that same gaze. You've been here hundreds of times before, maybe even thousands - this one moment, stretched out and replayed for what seems like an eternity. You knew at one point how this moment was supposed to be, but the truth of the matter is that it's long since escaped you - replaced with the thousands of reproductions you created in hopes of feeling something new. You can't remember the number of times you've asked yourself if this is right, just as you can't remember the one way in which this can all be brought to an end.

What you do remember, is the last thing you heard before you found yourself here. A calm and soothing voice echoes in the back of your mind no matter where your thoughts find you - a constant reminder of why you've subjected yourself to this moment in particular.

You look up at her, finally building up the courage to ask what's been on your mind. It's not the first time you've tried to voice this notion, but you do try every so often anyways, just to remind yourself that there is something to push towards as you come back to her time and time again.

"If you could live in only one moment for the rest of your life, what would that moment be?"

The words come easily enough, though your hands are drenched in sweat and the menu grasped firmly between them shakes lightly as you await her response - already knowing the words that'll make her reply. You've been here dozens of times before, asked this same question, and received the same response. It's almost comforting, knowing that there is this constant which you can lean back on if ever you grow weary of the endless moments. Yet still the hair on your arms stands upright as a chill runs down your spine. Your eyes are locked on her mouth. Your ears hang on the parting of her lips as she delicately lifts a straw to meet them. You know what she's going to say, and when… yet the milliseconds that pass by between now and then are almost as torturous as the years you've spent locked in this moment.

"I suppose that depends on what happens between now and then."

Her voice is soft and warm, and sets your mind at ease if only for a moment. You smile, putting the menu down gently as you continue to watch her lips, already reciting the words that come next within your mind.

"So there's not something you've already thought of then?"

Your own words feel cold coming out of your mouth, having been rehearsed well in advance - not that it matters. She'll never remember this moment between you. For in this moment, she is innocent, completely unaware and unprepared for the unpacking of your mind that she's about to set out on. You however, are prepared. You've spent these last few moments reconciling with yourself on whether or not this is the right time to retread these waters, as well as deciding what's most important to lift off of your own shoulders. You purse your lips, pinching a bit of peeling skin between your teeth and tongue as you wait.

"No, I don't think so. I don't think about death all too often."

She laughs. The sound of it pierces your heart, causing your chest to sag as your mind conjures up the ghosts of moments that have yet to come to pass. You feel the stinging in your eyes as you grow nostalgic of memories you've yet to make... though nothing has the chance to fall before she continues.

"For me right now… maybe a moment from when I was a kid? I can't really think of - oh! You know what, no, yeah, okay. If I had to pick any moment right now to live through forever, it would probably be the day that me and my dad went to adopt our old dog Brisket. God, he was such a good dog. The way he ran across the yard the day that we brought him home was just so funny. I can't really remember a time off the top of my head that I felt so… good?"

Your smile widens, watching her lips as they purse and spread across her face with each word that pushes through them. Her nose wrinkles as she smiles and laughs, clearly lost in her own memories as she talks to you. You stifle a small laugh, shaking your head ever so slightly.

"But… if I live a lot longer, I'm sure there'll be something else I'd rather choose. I still want kids, so maybe the birth of a child? If I do have kids, maybe the memory I'd rather relive is the moment I realized I wanted someone to be their father? I don't know about wanting to relive the first time I met that person or whatever, since that first meeting could have actually been really bad I guess? First dates suck so often too, so I'm not sure if I'd want to go down that road either."

You smile, nodding knowingly at her thought process. It's nothing you didn't already know, but listening to her say it all over again is… it's nice.

"Alright, in that case let's up the ante a little bit. What if you could relive any moment but affect it in any way that you wanted? Like, say for instance, you decided to relive the day you took Brisket home. You could relive that moment for as long as you wanted, but could play different games with him or get different people to come over and meet him or whatever else, and none of it would change the way that it had actually played out?"

"Well… I mean, of course it wouldn't change the way it actually played out, would it? It's just a memory, it's not like any of it's real."

You smile, exhaling sharply through your nostrils as you nod. You can feel the look of confusion upon her face, despite not wanting to meet her gaze, you know that it's there. She's right, after all. It's not real. It's all just a memory, relived and altered within the confines of your own head.

"But would you do it? Say instead that you chose to relive the day you met the man you'd go on to marry. You could have a different conversation, wear a different outfit, maybe even decide to break it off altogether - just to see what would happen after. Everything that came after that moment would play out in your own head like a film, showing you the effects your choices had on the future you chose to relive or alter… Everything else has played out already, a show for which it's actor was missing - stuck recreating that singular moment in hopes of creating a better ending than the one that they already knew."

You wait a moment, letting your own words sink into her. It's crazy… you know it's crazy, and you know that she's beginning to suspect that you are as well. But none of that matters. The her of this moment exists solely for this, no matter how selfish it may seem, it is something that you need to continue on in the search for the ending you've long since lost.

"Couldn't you… couldn't you just be happy with what you already knew you had? Shouldn't you be happy with the life that you've already lived? And then I guess, wouldn't it be better to just be content with being able to relive that moment as it was?"

"But you would. You could relive that moment as it was for as long as you wanted. But then you could also change. You would know how it went, feeling and experiencing a lifetime of emotion in a matter of seconds before finding yourself right back at the start of that day, ready to experience your favorite moment all over again and perhaps… even excited, to see what else could be different. Of course, at the end of the day, nothing would beat the real thing - but it's interesting to think about nonetheless, right?"

"I… I suppose you're right. If it were me, then I guess no matter what else happened or what I decided to experience or change in that experience… the one thing I'd want before I told it all goodbye is to see it once more in the way that it was for me."

You let her words hang in the air for a moment. You run your hand across your chest, feeling your heartbeat as the weight of those words strike a chord within it. This is what you needed… what you wanted in taking this moment down this path. You needed to be reminded of what it was you really wanted… of what you keep going back for after all this time.

"You're right… no matter how else everything goes, whether for better or worse, at the end of it all you just want to relive it as it was. You wouldn't care about the hundreds or thousands of ways that it had gone for you before or the ways that it still could have been, but instead, that one way that the you who chose for this moment to last forever had remembered it."

"Exactly. Now that we've gone that deep, why don't we-"

"Thank you. And… I'm sorry."

You rise from your seat and push it into the table. You glance around the room, not meeting the eyes of the restaurant's staff as you swing your jacket over your shoulders. You got what you came for, and you already know how the rest of this path plays out. Everything after this is as you've experienced nearly a dozen times over. You long since decided to stop caring what happens to her after you leave… It hurts - you won't deny that, or rather, can't - because you can feel the flames still burning within your chest each time you look at her, and yet - forever should have a happy ending.

"Where are you going? We haven't even had-"

"I can't see us working out together. I think your hair looks ratty. I can't believe you didn't trim your nails before meeting up. I thought you'd have cared enough to take me somewhere nicer for our first date. Uhh, what else…"

You hear the silence overtake the room as you begin to list off all the moment enders that had come before as you turn away from her. Of all the thousands of times that you've sat at this table, looked at this menu, and talked to this woman… you know now what hurts her more than anything else.

"I don't… why would you say any of those terrible, nasty things to me? What… what the fuck is wrong with you?"

You purse your lips, readying yourself for the moment's end as you head towards the restaurant door. You hear her cursing at you as you press on the handle, her voice following behind as she trails you to the exit.

And then the moment's over. You find yourself back at the door, walking into the restaurant with your coat in hand, brushing the snow off of your shoulders as you glance excitedly around the room. A pang of guilt stabs you in the chest as the weight of a lifetime of loneliness piles up in the place where the snowfall had once been. The moments from a future that could have been, but you certainly hope never would have been play through your mind as you greet the host and head deeper into the restaurant, already knowing where you need to be.

"Hey! I'm so glad you accepted my invite!"

There she is. That infectious smile plays across her face as she rises from her seat to greet you.

"I hope I didn't keep you too long - the snow just started coming down hard and of course nobody knows how to drive. I took the highway all the way here. Basically rode my brakes the entire time until the exit."

She laughs, wrapping her arms tightly around you as you lay your coat over the back of the seat. You smile, happily taking her warm embrace for all that it has to cut the chill from the wintery hell you just traversed for this moment.

"No, no. You're fine. I just got here a few minutes ago and went ahead and put in a drink order for us. You're fine with wine, right? I guess I shouldn't assume, but-"

She pulls back, leaving you with your arms awkwardly outstretched as you wish for the embrace to last just a little longer. You always wish the embrace could last just a little longer… though you've already seen how that moment ends. Instead, you simply pull out your seat and sit down across from her, quickly picking up the menu to blind yourself from her visage.

"Wine is fine with me. Have you looked at any of the appetizers? They're supposed to have really good calamari here."

You glance down at the menu, and then back up at her outfit. You smirk slightly behind your screen. Her taste in fashion was horrendous… but something about the mismatched colors of her dress and top, as well as the shaggy brown coat on the back of her own seat is charming. Before this moment, you'd never seen her in heels before, and yet she flaunts them so casually, pulling her leg up into her lap as she pushes herself slightly away from the table.

"Yeahhh, I don't know. Carlie from work told me that too, but I don't know how much I really trust her opinions on food. She'd eat a piece of leather as long as it was fried up decently."

You laugh lightly, swallowing hard as you start to think about where to take this moment. You feel somewhat relieved after the last one, though you can't deny that each time you come back to her just for that it feels like you die a little more inside. There's no real telling how many more moments like that you can take… but the thought of letting this moment end before getting back to where you're supposed to be just doesn't sit right.

"Yeah, Carlie might be a little off but she's not the only one that recommended this place. I remember Carlos and Gina both came here for Valentine's Day last year and they wouldn't stop talking it up for months after, so I think we might be at least a little bit safe."

You laugh; lightly, mechanically, a painfully rehearsed reply escapes your lips as you make your way back to the root of the moment. From prior experience, it doesn't really matter what you use to break the ice to get to that point in the moment, although however mechanical it may be it feels like this is the most natural way to get from point A to point B. She laughs, you laugh, your drinks come, and you can lose yourself in your menu for a few seconds before the moment really kicks off.

"What to choose, what to choose."

She chimes in, rhythmically tapping her menu as she turns her head to follow each item's description. You sigh quietly to yourself, uncertain of what to say or what to do. Your mind wanders, and though you've just spent a moment relieving yourself of the weight of these countless moments, you find yourself feeling… burdened.

"If I could…"

You begin, not knowing where these muddled thoughts hastily translated will take you. You've spent so long thinking… and where has it actually taken you? You've spent years in this moment, making yourself a home in that revolving door as you thought about every which way to escape it. Your hands begin to shake lightly along the edge of the menu as you set it down, focusing your gaze on her lips as she tilts her head up towards you.

"What? Did you want to do the two can dine for-"

"I could say I love you a hundred different ways. I could show you in a thousand different moments the way that I care, but what do any of them mean to you who is stuck here in this moment? What do all those words mean to you who can't understand them?"

You clasp your hands together beneath the table, your eyes drifting further down until they're fixed on the menu across from you as it comes to rest against the tablecloth. An awkward silence hangs in the air as you glance over to her wine glass, watching as she lifts it up. You follow her hand, looking, but not wanting to see the expression on her face. You… you don't even like the thoughts that you've just expressed - but they've been weighing on you. After thousands of these moments, after nearly a dozen of those moments… this is what you're left with. Why?

You watch her as she tilts the glass back, watching her mouth as her tongue peeks out and wipes across her lips. Why? You wonder… why. Why is it that she's smiling now? Why is it that she's stifling a laugh as she places her glass back down? You watch as her hands clasp together beneath her chin, propping her up as she leans in across the table to get a closer look at you. Why?

"If that's how you feel, then why would you say it in a way that I couldn't understand?"

"It's not that simple... in this moment, I-"

"Then make it simple? Our feelings don't have to be complicated - and why should they be? Can't things just seem as they are? Can't they be as they are as well? You don't have to hide what you feel behind any fancy words I won't understand."

You've sought out those words countless times, hoping that any one of them would fit in just the same way to remind you of what once was. You've tried simple as well as extravagant, and you've even tried not speaking at all. But with each word that escapes your lips, you're left with those lingering regrets of 'what if'.

"Maybe I want to feel the same as you do… and to let you know how I feel too. If I said it in a hundred different ways and also understood it only in one, then you could understand my love in the way that I do - the beatings of my heart, the unknowns that flutter through my head each time that I look at you and wonder what if?"

The silence finds its place between the two of you once more as your words dangle between you both. You don't even really understand what it is you've just said, nor do you know if it made any sense to her let alone yourself. You can feel the thoughts in your head pushing at your teeth as you purse your lips, waiting and putting your hopes on her that she'll be able to say anything to stave off the the incoherent vomit of words that are threatening to spill out; compounded from countless moments before and only just now finding their place in this moment.

"Then let me know."

"What?"

"Let me know. Even if it takes a thousand more little moments to show me what it is you feel, let me know. Even if it takes a hundred different languages to tell me how you love, let me know. I can't know if you won't let me. All I know is what I know. As much as I sometimes wish I was so that I could know what you know… I am just me."

"That's all you have to be. I don't… I don't need anything or anyone else."

"Then tell me."

You pause, searching for the words in the library of moments that have come before. You peer over every line, every look, every moment that had come after - all to find those things which you truly wish to say in this moment. And finally, it comes to you. You glance up from her lips, looking for the first time into those eyes which had captivated you so and dragged you into this moment for the rest of your forever. You lean in slightly to the table, feeling it push against your stomach as you look at yourself as she sees you. You take a deep breath, pushing the words to the tip of your tongue as you steele yourself for the moment you truly see her.

"Je t'aime. Ti amo. Te quiero. Ich liebe dich."

You pause, taking a few more seconds to look into the silhouette reflected in her eyes before cupping your hands around her own.

"I love you."

You scan her face, waiting for her to say… anything. Anything at all. It seems like minutes go by as your hands grow sweaty, clasped around hers. Your eyes dart across her features, remembering the placement of each freckle, of each wrinkle, and finally of each pore covering her face. You close your hands around hers slightly tighter, pursing your lips as you feel your heartbeat quicken and then -

She giggles. Her lips creep up into a smile and her eyes soften as she tilts her head to the side. You let out a titter, unsure of whether to feel relieved or possibly… scared? Frightened? You just told her so plainly how you feel and now she… she's laughing. But despite the thoughts running through your head in this moment, you feel a certain… warmth in your chest - a twange of familiarity in your heart as you listen to that giggle and find comfort in the sincerity of that smile.

"You don't have to show off for me. Just because you said you'd need a hundred ways to say I love you, doesn't mean I need a hundred ways to understand it."

You laugh uneasily, caught off guard by the way this moment has progressed. You find yourself searching for any similarities in the way that things have gone before. You try to remember what you've said, what you've done, the person you've been in moments before and the person you became after and -

"Hey, come back to me. Get out of your own head and be here, in this moment, with me."

Your gaze meets hers. You're no longer looking at your reflection, nor at any individual part of her, but rather the whole of her being. You see her as you once did, as you've hoped to for one final moment. You feel the tears welling up in your eyes as you finally see her and take her in with all the anticipation of these countless moments. Finally. Finally, your gaze truly meets hers, as it should have been so many moments ago. You feel every other worry begin to wash away as a warmth fills your chest and the rest of your body begins to feel cold.

"After all these thousands of moments… all this searching for what I already had… I've finally found you. The real you. I… I love you. I love you so much more than I could ever describe. Even if I were to take back these thousands of moments and multiply them ten times over there would never be enough time to explain just how I feel."

You feel her fingers tangle with your own as you both begin to tear up and smile at each other. You see her mouth quivering, searching for words just as you are. There's so many things to say and to show, but as the moment trickles on your body grows colder as a cool, sterile wind blows through the restaurant. A slow, rhythmic beeping begins to echo around you, accompanying the rising and falling of your own chest.

"And I… loved you. Even after all those moments we spent together… I'm so happy that this is the one you chose for us to live on in forever. And even if it could have gone any other way… if there had been a 'better' future waiting out there for us despite it all… I wouldn't have had this moment go any other way."

You smile at her, the tears streaming down your face in full force as the restaurant fades away. Your lips shake, fighting to get out those words one final time as the cold encroaches further and further upon the warmth in your chest. The sensation of the cool wind on your skin slowly fades, as does the feeling of her hand in your own as you shakily reach over with the other, hoping to hold on to her for even a single second longer in your last moment.

"I-I-I…"

You shakily stutter, trying to get those words out one final time even if they're just as a whisper between frozen lips. You let out a protracted sigh of relief as you close your eyes, unable to tell her once and for all just how you feel. And yet... finally, the moment has passed, and you're left without any feelings of regret despite it all. This moment has passed… and you're filled with a strange sense of fulfillment as you're now able to take her final words with you into your forever after.

'I loved us.'