You're back. Here again; sitting at that same table, reading that same menu, struggling to meet that same gaze. You've been here hundreds of times before, maybe even thousands - this one moment, stretched out and replayed for what seems like an eternity. You knew at one point how this moment was supposed to be, but the truth of the matter is that it's long since escaped you - replaced with the thousands of reproductions you created in hopes of feeling something new. You can't remember the number of times you've asked yourself if this is right, just as you can't remember the one way in which this can all be brought to an end.
What you do remember, is the last thing you heard before you found yourself here. A calm and soothing voice echoes in the back of your mind no matter where your thoughts find you - a constant reminder of why you've subjected yourself to this moment in particular.
You look up at her, finally building up the courage to ask what's been on your mind. It's not the first time you've tried to voice this notion, but you do try every so often anyways, just to remind yourself that there is something to push towards as you come back to her time and time again.
"If you could live in only one moment for the rest of your life, what would that moment be?"
The words come easily enough, though your hands are drenched in sweat and the menu grasped firmly between them shakes lightly as you await her response - already knowing the words that'll make her reply. You've been here dozens of times before, asked this same question, and received the same response. It's almost comforting, knowing that there is this constant which you can lean back on if ever you grow weary of the endless moments. Yet still the hair on your arms stands upright as a chill runs down your spine. Your eyes are locked on her mouth. Your ears hang on the parting of her lips as she delicately lifts a straw to meet them. You know what she's going to say, and when… yet the milliseconds that pass by between now and then are almost as torturous as the years you've spent locked in this moment.
"I suppose that depends on what happens between now and then."
Her voice is soft and warm, and sets your mind at ease if only for a moment. You smile, putting the menu down gently as you continue to watch her lips, already reciting the words that come next within your mind.
"So there's not something you've already thought of then?"
Your own words feel cold coming out of your mouth, having been rehearsed well in advance - not that it matters. She'll never remember this moment between you. For in this moment, she is innocent, completely unaware and unprepared for the unpacking of your mind that she's about to set out on. You however, are prepared. You've spent these last few moments reconciling with yourself on whether or not this is the right time to retread these waters, as well as deciding what's most important to lift off of your own shoulders. You purse your lips, pinching a bit of peeling skin between your teeth and tongue as you wait.
"No, I don't think so. I don't think about death all too often."
She laughs. The sound of it pierces your heart, causing your chest to sag as your mind conjures up the ghosts of moments that have yet to come to pass. You feel the stinging in your eyes as you grow nostalgic of memories you've yet to make... though nothing has the chance to fall before she continues.
"For me right now… maybe a moment from when I was a kid? I can't really think of - oh! You know what, no, yeah, okay. If I had to pick any moment right now to live through forever, it would probably be the day that me and my dad went to adopt our old dog Brisket. God, he was such a good dog. The way he ran across the yard the day that we brought him home was just so funny. I can't really remember a time off the top of my head that I felt so… good?"
Your smile widens, watching her lips as they purse and spread across her face with each word that pushes through them. Her nose wrinkles as she smiles and laughs, clearly lost in her own memories as she talks to you. You stifle a small laugh, shaking your head ever so slightly.
"But… if I live a lot longer, I'm sure there'll be something else I'd rather choose. I still want kids, so maybe the birth of a child? If I do have kids, maybe the memory I'd rather relive is the moment I realized I wanted someone to be their father? I don't know about wanting to relive the first time I met that person or whatever, since that first meeting could have actually been really bad I guess? First dates suck so often too, so I'm not sure if I'd want to go down that road either."
You smile, nodding knowingly at her thought process. It's nothing you didn't already know, but listening to her say it all over again is… it's nice.
"Alright, in that case let's up the ante a little bit. What if you could relive any moment but affect it in any way that you wanted? Like, say for instance, you decided to relive the day you took Brisket home. You could relive that moment for as long as you wanted, but could play different games with him or get different people to come over and meet him or whatever else, and none of it would change the way that it had actually played out?"
"Well… I mean, of course it wouldn't change the way it actually played out, would it? It's just a memory, it's not like any of it's real."
You smile, exhaling sharply through your nostrils as you nod. You can feel the look of confusion upon her face, despite not wanting to meet her gaze, you know that it's there. She's right, after all. It's not real. It's all just a memory, relived and altered within the confines of your own head.
"But would you do it? Say instead that you chose to relive the day you met the man you'd go on to marry. You could have a different conversation, wear a different outfit, maybe even decide to break it off altogether - just to see what would happen after. Everything that came after that moment would play out in your own head like a film, showing you the effects your choices had on the future you chose to relive or alter… Everything else has played out already, a show for which it's actor was missing - stuck recreating that singular moment in hopes of creating a better ending than the one that they already knew."
You wait a moment, letting your own words sink into her. It's crazy… you know it's crazy, and you know that she's beginning to suspect that you are as well. But none of that matters. The her of this moment exists solely for this, no matter how selfish it may seem, it is something that you need to continue on in the search for the ending you've long since lost.
"Couldn't you… couldn't you just be happy with what you already knew you had? Shouldn't you be happy with the life that you've already lived? And then I guess, wouldn't it be better to just be content with being able to relive that moment as it was?"
"But you would. You could relive that moment as it was for as long as you wanted. But then you could also change. You would know how it went, feeling and experiencing a lifetime of emotion in a matter of seconds before finding yourself right back at the start of that day, ready to experience your favorite moment all over again and perhaps… even excited, to see what else could be different. Of course, at the end of the day, nothing would beat the real thing - but it's interesting to think about nonetheless, right?"
"I… I suppose you're right. If it were me, then I guess no matter what else happened or what I decided to experience or change in that experience… the one thing I'd want before I told it all goodbye is to see it once more in the way that it was for me."
You let her words hang in the air for a moment. You run your hand across your chest, feeling your heartbeat as the weight of those words strike a chord within it. This is what you needed… what you wanted in taking this moment down this path. You needed to be reminded of what it was you really wanted… of what you keep going back for after all this time.
"You're right… no matter how else everything goes, whether for better or worse, at the end of it all you just want to relive it as it was. You wouldn't care about the hundreds or thousands of ways that it had gone for you before or the ways that it still could have been, but instead, that one way that the you who chose for this moment to last forever had remembered it."
"Exactly. Now that we've gone that deep, why don't we-"
"Thank you. And… I'm sorry."
You rise from your seat and push it into the table. You glance around the room, not meeting the eyes of the restaurant's staff as you swing your jacket over your shoulders. You got what you came for, and you already know how the rest of this path plays out. Everything after this is as you've experienced nearly a dozen times over. You long since decided to stop caring what happens to her after you leave… It hurts - you won't deny that, or rather, can't - because you can feel the flames still burning within your chest each time you look at her, and yet - forever should have a happy ending.
"Where are you going? We haven't even had-"
"I can't see us working out together. I think your hair looks ratty. I can't believe you didn't trim your nails before meeting up. I thought you'd have cared enough to take me somewhere nicer for our first date. Uhh, what else…"
You hear the silence overtake the room as you begin to list off all the moment enders that had come before as you turn away from her. Of all the thousands of times that you've sat at this table, looked at this menu, and talked to this woman… you know now what hurts her more than anything else.
"I don't… why would you say any of those terrible, nasty things to me? What… what the fuck is wrong with you?"
You purse your lips, readying yourself for the moment's end as you head towards the restaurant door. You hear her cursing at you as you press on the handle, her voice following behind as she trails you to the exit.
And then the moment's over. You find yourself back at the door, walking into the restaurant with your coat in hand, brushing the snow off of your shoulders as you glance excitedly around the room. A pang of guilt stabs you in the chest as the weight of a lifetime of loneliness piles up in the place where the snowfall had once been. The moments from a future that could have been, but you certainly hope never would have been play through your mind as you greet the host and head deeper into the restaurant, already knowing where you need to be.
"Hey! I'm so glad you accepted my invite!"
There she is. That infectious smile plays across her face as she rises from her seat to greet you.
"I hope I didn't keep you too long - the snow just started coming down hard and of course nobody knows how to drive. I took the highway all the way here. Basically rode my brakes the entire time until the exit."
She laughs, wrapping her arms tightly around you as you lay your coat over the back of the seat. You smile, happily taking her warm embrace for all that it has to cut the chill from the wintery hell you just traversed for this moment.
"No, no. You're fine. I just got here a few minutes ago and went ahead and put in a drink order for us. You're fine with wine, right? I guess I shouldn't assume, but-"
She pulls back, leaving you with your arms awkwardly outstretched as you wish for the embrace to last just a little longer. You always wish the embrace could last just a little longer… though you've already seen how that moment ends. Instead, you simply pull out your seat and sit down across from her, quickly picking up the menu to blind yourself from her visage.
"Wine is fine with me. Have you looked at any of the appetizers? They're supposed to have really good calamari here."
You glance down at the menu, and then back up at her outfit. You smirk slightly behind your screen. Her taste in fashion was horrendous… but something about the mismatched colors of her dress and top, as well as the shaggy brown coat on the back of her own seat is charming. Before this moment, you'd never seen her in heels before, and yet she flaunts them so casually, pulling her leg up into her lap as she pushes herself slightly away from the table.
"Yeahhh, I don't know. Carlie from work told me that too, but I don't know how much I really trust her opinions on food. She'd eat a piece of leather as long as it was fried up decently."
You laugh lightly, swallowing hard as you start to think about where to take this moment. You feel somewhat relieved after the last one, though you can't deny that each time you come back to her just for that it feels like you die a little more inside. There's no real telling how many more moments like that you can take… but the thought of letting this moment end before getting back to where you're supposed to be just doesn't sit right.
"Yeah, Carlie might be a little off but she's not the only one that recommended this place. I remember Carlos and Gina both came here for Valentine's Day last year and they wouldn't stop talking it up for months after, so I think we might be at least a little bit safe."
You laugh; lightly, mechanically, a painfully rehearsed reply escapes your lips as you make your way back to the root of the moment. From prior experience, it doesn't really matter what you use to break the ice to get to that point in the moment, although however mechanical it may be it feels like this is the most natural way to get from point A to point B. She laughs, you laugh, your drinks come, and you can lose yourself in your menu for a few seconds before the moment really kicks off.
"What to choose, what to choose."
She chimes in, rhythmically tapping her menu as she turns her head to follow each item's description. You sigh quietly to yourself, uncertain of what to say or what to do. Your mind wanders, and though you've just spent a moment relieving yourself of the weight of these countless moments, you find yourself feeling… burdened.
"If I could…"
You begin, not knowing where these muddled thoughts hastily translated will take you. You've spent so long thinking… and where has it actually taken you? You've spent years in this moment, making yourself a home in that revolving door as you thought about every which way to escape it. Your hands begin to shake lightly along the edge of the menu as you set it down, focusing your gaze on her lips as she tilts her head up towards you.
"What? Did you want to do the two can dine for-"
"I could say I love you a hundred different ways. I could show you in a thousand different moments the way that I care, but what do any of them mean to you who is stuck here in this moment? What do all those words mean to you who can't understand them?"
You clasp your hands together beneath the table, your eyes drifting further down until they're fixed on the menu across from you as it comes to rest against the tablecloth. An awkward silence hangs in the air as you glance over to her wine glass, watching as she lifts it up. You follow her hand, looking, but not wanting to see the expression on her face. You… you don't even like the thoughts that you've just expressed - but they've been weighing on you. After thousands of these moments, after nearly a dozen of those moments… this is what you're left with. Why?
You watch her as she tilts the glass back, watching her mouth as her tongue peeks out and wipes across her lips. Why? You wonder… why. Why is it that she's smiling now? Why is it that she's stifling a laugh as she places her glass back down? You watch as her hands clasp together beneath her chin, propping her up as she leans in across the table to get a closer look at you. Why?
"If that's how you feel, then why would you say it in a way that I couldn't understand?"
"It's not that simple... in this moment, I-"
"Then make it simple? Our feelings don't have to be complicated - and why should they be? Can't things just seem as they are? Can't they be as they are as well? You don't have to hide what you feel behind any fancy words I won't understand."
You've sought out those words countless times, hoping that any one of them would fit in just the same way to remind you of what once was. You've tried simple as well as extravagant, and you've even tried not speaking at all. But with each word that escapes your lips, you're left with those lingering regrets of 'what if'.
"Maybe I want to feel the same as you do… and to let you know how I feel too. If I said it in a hundred different ways and also understood it only in one, then you could understand my love in the way that I do - the beatings of my heart, the unknowns that flutter through my head each time that I look at you and wonder what if?"
The silence finds its place between the two of you once more as your words dangle between you both. You don't even really understand what it is you've just said, nor do you know if it made any sense to her let alone yourself. You can feel the thoughts in your head pushing at your teeth as you purse your lips, waiting and putting your hopes on her that she'll be able to say anything to stave off the the incoherent vomit of words that are threatening to spill out; compounded from countless moments before and only just now finding their place in this moment.
"Then let me know."
"What?"
"Let me know. Even if it takes a thousand more little moments to show me what it is you feel, let me know. Even if it takes a hundred different languages to tell me how you love, let me know. I can't know if you won't let me. All I know is what I know. As much as I sometimes wish I was so that I could know what you know… I am just me."
"That's all you have to be. I don't… I don't need anything or anyone else."
"Then tell me."
You pause, searching for the words in the library of moments that have come before. You peer over every line, every look, every moment that had come after - all to find those things which you truly wish to say in this moment. And finally, it comes to you. You glance up from her lips, looking for the first time into those eyes which had captivated you so and dragged you into this moment for the rest of your forever. You lean in slightly to the table, feeling it push against your stomach as you look at yourself as she sees you. You take a deep breath, pushing the words to the tip of your tongue as you steele yourself for the moment you truly see her.
"Je t'aime. Ti amo. Te quiero. Ich liebe dich."
You pause, taking a few more seconds to look into the silhouette reflected in her eyes before cupping your hands around her own.
"I love you."
You scan her face, waiting for her to say… anything. Anything at all. It seems like minutes go by as your hands grow sweaty, clasped around hers. Your eyes dart across her features, remembering the placement of each freckle, of each wrinkle, and finally of each pore covering her face. You close your hands around hers slightly tighter, pursing your lips as you feel your heartbeat quicken and then -
She giggles. Her lips creep up into a smile and her eyes soften as she tilts her head to the side. You let out a titter, unsure of whether to feel relieved or possibly… scared? Frightened? You just told her so plainly how you feel and now she… she's laughing. But despite the thoughts running through your head in this moment, you feel a certain… warmth in your chest - a twange of familiarity in your heart as you listen to that giggle and find comfort in the sincerity of that smile.
"You don't have to show off for me. Just because you said you'd need a hundred ways to say I love you, doesn't mean I need a hundred ways to understand it."
You laugh uneasily, caught off guard by the way this moment has progressed. You find yourself searching for any similarities in the way that things have gone before. You try to remember what you've said, what you've done, the person you've been in moments before and the person you became after and -
"Hey, come back to me. Get out of your own head and be here, in this moment, with me."
Your gaze meets hers. You're no longer looking at your reflection, nor at any individual part of her, but rather the whole of her being. You see her as you once did, as you've hoped to for one final moment. You feel the tears welling up in your eyes as you finally see her and take her in with all the anticipation of these countless moments. Finally. Finally, your gaze truly meets hers, as it should have been so many moments ago. You feel every other worry begin to wash away as a warmth fills your chest and the rest of your body begins to feel cold.
"After all these thousands of moments… all this searching for what I already had… I've finally found you. The real you. I… I love you. I love you so much more than I could ever describe. Even if I were to take back these thousands of moments and multiply them ten times over there would never be enough time to explain just how I feel."
You feel her fingers tangle with your own as you both begin to tear up and smile at each other. You see her mouth quivering, searching for words just as you are. There's so many things to say and to show, but as the moment trickles on your body grows colder as a cool, sterile wind blows through the restaurant. A slow, rhythmic beeping begins to echo around you, accompanying the rising and falling of your own chest.
"And I… loved you. Even after all those moments we spent together… I'm so happy that this is the one you chose for us to live on in forever. And even if it could have gone any other way… if there had been a 'better' future waiting out there for us despite it all… I wouldn't have had this moment go any other way."
You smile at her, the tears streaming down your face in full force as the restaurant fades away. Your lips shake, fighting to get out those words one final time as the cold encroaches further and further upon the warmth in your chest. The sensation of the cool wind on your skin slowly fades, as does the feeling of her hand in your own as you shakily reach over with the other, hoping to hold on to her for even a single second longer in your last moment.
"I-I-I…"
You shakily stutter, trying to get those words out one final time even if they're just as a whisper between frozen lips. You let out a protracted sigh of relief as you close your eyes, unable to tell her once and for all just how you feel. And yet... finally, the moment has passed, and you're left without any feelings of regret despite it all. This moment has passed… and you're filled with a strange sense of fulfillment as you're now able to take her final words with you into your forever after.
'I loved us.'