Season champs!

[Scytheteen]

Hero, ScytheMaster will post chapter 3 when he knows that chapter 2 is good. He wants to make each chapter the best he can before moving onto the next one. And also, try to come up with some more substance to your reviews. He's posting fics to learn how to write better, to get some feed-back, so do the awesome thing and give him some. You could even just tell him what you like about his story so that he knows what the people like.

...D: Um, this weekend I might have time to look at your chapters, ScytheMaster. I don't have school on Friday, so that'll give me some time. *meanders off, singing "Everybody's working for the weekend!*

Well, actually a few things I noticed, grammar-wise.

Excellent job italicizing "Vamos!" Published works tend to use italics when another language is being spoken quickly. And nice of you to translate it. Uh...Muy bien! D:


There are ninety-nine different ways to say "said" I can think of off the top of my head, and when you have an exclamation point, you use one of the more exciting ones. I like to use "commanded" in battle scenes, though "yell", "hollered", and various other tags of that sort could work.

And that's all I can fit in for now, since I have to head out. But yes, wait for the weekend, and there should be a better review. Or perhaps Alter Ego will come by.

Thanks! I kept thinking of other ways to say, "said" but I drew a blank and couldn't think. xD.

Could you review my Fan Fiction

C'mon man, take this to the fiction lounge, I'm sure Hanako will review it when she has time, but my fanfic thread is not the place to ask her to.

 

[Duncan McNeil]

Just finished reading it all. I'm just going to review this last chapter, because the first chapter was already covered pretty well. First of all, description is lacking. Like here:

Although it may seem like Nick's battle was the only one happening it wasn't, many other battles were going on around him, and the other trainers looked good, really good.

You see? Just saying that 'the other trainers looked good' isn't enough. You need to add nice, flowing description. How many other people were battling? What Pokemon were they using? Details like that help alot.

Nick's trustworthy Houndour and Duodo appeared before him. He knew that they were ready for this. They have been training for mounths, and now its the time for them to make it all worth something. Chris was going first and he yelled out some commands for his Raticate. The Raticate obeyed and ran towards Duodo and bit him very hard. It was obvious that it was a powerful hyper fang. Duodo got set back and was on the floor for a few seconds, until it regained its strength and got back up again. Chris again called out some more commands and pidgeotto flew up into the sky. Now it was Nick's turn. Nick just looked at his Doduo and looked into its eyes. He could see how sad he looked. When he really looked into the eyes, it was then that doduo knew what to do to win this battle.

Couple of problems there. First, it needs to be spaced out. Secondly, description needs help. Instead of just listing out who does what, explain how the Pokemon use their attacks. What does the Pokemon do when they get hit? Description is always tricky to get right, though. Just keep working at it.

Scyther raised its blades that were on the tip on its hands. Its flew up to Raticate. It went right through its stomach. It was apparent that the Raticate had only 1 HP left, and if it wasn't for the move.

HP isn't used in fics. Just say it was very weak or something.

Bagon Obeyed Nick's commands and used rock slide on Pidgeotto.

There again what does the attack look like? Do rocks just appear in mid-air? Does Bagon slam the ground and throw rocks? Clarification would be nice here.

There are also grammer issues. It's not a huge deal, but simply running it through a spell-checker would help a lot.

This isn't all that bad, but if you spent some more time on it and work on your description it will be a lot better.

 

[Scytheteen]

HP isn't used in fics. Just say it was very weak or something.

If I feel to use HP, why should I not be able to? Whatever, I'm keeping it. As for the description thing, I'm working on.

 

[diamondpearl876]

You speak French, huh? Me too… kind of. X_o

Okay, seriously. Chapter 2. And.. DP-chan? That's a first. Also, I'm not going to be easy on you, really. I'm sure Alter Ego's review will be better, but yeah. XD

"Alright guys, since Nick has four pokemon, and Chris has two pokemon were going to see if this will be a two on two or a four on two battle. If its heads, its a four on two, if tails, its a two on two," explained Mr.Dagger.

Already here and I can see some mistakes. Nothing too big. "were" should be "we're", because it means "we are", and that makes a hell of a lot more sense than "were" would if you were to say it out loud or something. All the "its" should be "it's", which means "it is".

"Its" just shows possession. "Its tail wobbled back and forth." Lame example, yeah, but I think you'll get my point.

He flicked the coin from his fingers. Nick never though that a coin could move so slowly. This dry feeling in his neck was swallowed when the coin finally landed on the floor. The coach bent over and picked up the coin.

You used "coin" like 3020302 times in here. O_o No need.. Repetition like this is bad for the story also..

"Alrighty, so we got ourselves a four on two battle going on here. Vamos*!" Exclaimed the spanish teacher. Rules are double battle, you have five turns to win, and if there is no winner, your both cut from the team.

"Exclaimed" shouldn't be capitalized. Just like this:

"Heads," said Mr.Dagger.

See, the said isn't capitalized. Just because there is an exclamation point doesn't mean it shouldn't be capitalized too. Also, there should be a space after "Mr."

Spanish should be capitalized, I believe. You capitalize all languages.

Finally,

Rules are double battle, you have five turns to win, and if there is no winner, your both cut from the team.

It sounds like the Spanish teacher is talking here, but it's not specified. Forgot your quotation marks, perhaps? "your" should be "you're". "You're" means "you are".

Although it may seem like Nick's battle was the only one happening it wasn't, many other battles were going on around him, and the other trainers looked good, really good.

You pulled a tense change here. The first part should be "Although it may have seemed…" I also think that last comma would have worked better as a dash.

Could have been more description there, but that's just me. Describe a few of these good battles you speak of (don't need to describe the entire battle though..) and maybe Nick could show some kind of reaction towards these trainers. Fear of getting to them and losing? Envious of their awesome skills? Determination to defeat them one day?

"Ya ready? Here I come! Lets go, Raticate and Pidgeotto!" Chris exclaimed.

You must hate contractions. "Lets" should be "let's".

"Um, alright, I choose...Houndour and Duodo!" Nick said.

The correct spelling is Doduo. Go back and change them!!#13

They have been training for mounths, and now its the time for them to make it all worth something.

Tense change again. It's okay; it happens. Also, watch the spelling… mounths?

SHOULD BE:

They had been training for months, and it was the time for them to make it all worth something.

The Raticate obeyed and ran towards Duodo and bit him very hard. It was obvious that it was a powerful hyper fang.

Major lack in description. "bit him very hard" sounds boring. And, how was it obvious it was a powerful hyper fang? Was Doduo moaning out of pain or something? Make the battles more interesting.

Chris again called out some more commands and pidgeotto flew up into the sky.

If you're going to capitalize Raticate, Doduo, and other pokemon, capitalize Pidgeotto too.

When he really looked into the eyes, it was then that doduo knew what to do to win this battle.

You spelled it right here, but didn't capitalize it. The doduo part, I mean. XD

Nick could see Mr.Dagger's face light up when he uses this move.

"uses" should be "used". Tense change.

"Thanks, now lets use that extra power, Houndour, and use an ember on raticate!" Exclaimed Nick.

Remember what I said about "Exclaimed" before?

And "lets". Change it to the right way, yeah? =)

"Good job Houndour! Your so awesome," Nick said.

"You're so awesome."

He keeps to himself and only gave Nick a bark upon hearing.

"keeps" should be "kept"

"And now, Pidgeotto, Come down, and fly on Houndour!" Chris exclaimed.

Why's "Come" capitalized in the middle of a sentence?

"Scythe-Scytha!" It exclaimed.

"It" shouldn't be capitalized.

"Yeah, i'm happy to see you to," Nick said.

The "i'm" should be capitalized. Always, always, always capitalized "I" when it is alone like that. Well, it's not really alone there, but if it wasn't a contraction, it'd be "I am."

Houndour powered itself up, and started to spit fire from its mouth which remained suspended in the air until a circe was formed in front of the dog-like pokemon.

Description here to me was great. Edit the battles to make more scenes like this. Not the same moves, but I mean… there's description. But.. I think you meant "circle", not "circe'.

"Good job Nick, attention to both of you, there is only 3 more turns left until this match is over," Mr.Fisher announced.

Numbers under 100 should be written out.

He looked at his scyther very sadly and nodded his head.

"scyther" should be capitalized.

And.. I've seen "sad" a few times already. Use a Thesaurus. What about gloomily, or desolately, or miserably?

"Woah, thats a really cool pokemon Nick! I can't wait to see what moves you have taught it," Chris said.

"thats" should be "that's"

Its flew up to Raticate.

Lol…wut?

There were more mistakes with pokemon name capitalization, but I want you to go and find them. Not 'cause I'm lazy. XP

Bagon Obeyed Nick's commands and used rock slide on Pidgeotto.

"Obeyed" is capitalized why?

Chris' Pidgeotto was normally a relaxed pokemon, but now it seemed very lonely and seemed very betrayed by its master.

You use very a lot. What about especially, awfully, whatever?

"But you did great Pidgeotto, and I will be sure to win this battle for you. And as for you, Nick, the battle a'int over till it over, and the fat lady hasn't sung yet. Get ready to take the worst beating of your life, because right now, I'm putting this friendship aside and going all out from here on. Me and Raticate are going to pulverize you to a pulp. So you best get ready,"

"a'int" should be "ain't". Anddd… Period at the end, not comma.

The "it" near "ain't" should be "it's", too. Otherwise it doesn't make sense.

Ahhh yeah. Hope this helps. I think, that if you really tried, you could improve greatly. There's not much else I can comment on since it's just a battle, and I've specified that it needs more description already. Maybe adding interesting strategies would be nice too.

 

[Scytheteen]

It seems like my big problems are:

1) Contractions
2) Lack of description
3) Capitilazation (SP?)

Thanks for the D/P-Chan. I get lazy and it's late and I'll do it tomorrow.

(notice contractions)

 

[diamondpearl876]

It seems like my big problems are:

1) Contractions
2) Lack of description
3) Capitilazation (SP?)

Thanks for the D/P-Chan. I get lazy and it's late and I'll do it tomorrow.

(notice contractions)

Those would be your three things to me, yup. XP

Good work, Scythe-Kun! *high five and gives cookies*

 

[Alter Ego]

Okay, yeah, the grammatical issues have already been sorted out in previous reviews so I'll be sticking mostly to content.

Alright, I'll give you my biggest peeve right up front: your battle is still way too tied to game mechanics, even to the point where it's defying logic. How can a Doduo empower an Ember attack? Why isn't a pokémon supposed to be attacking anyone except the one using Follow Me? Where did the rocks for that Rock Slide attack come from? (Tearing the whole building down, are they?) Yes, I know this is how the games work but remember that this isn't a game; these pokémon are real as far as the characters in the fanfiction are concerned, and as such they can't fall back on game simplifications.

Also, tag team strategy does not equal using double battle only moves; it is any kind of improvisation in which the moves of one pokémon enhance those of the other (or some kind of combined attack pattern that helps them keep the opposition off balance). Always make a sanity check about the battles; Doduo giving Houndour a leg up with something like a Bite attack is conceivable (seeing as how the Hondour could use Doduo as a springboard of sorts, possibly to hit that otherwise unhitable Pidgeotto smirking up by the ceiling). And no, just because a pokémon using Fly would not be open for attack in the games, it doesn't mean that the same implies in this type of battle situation. Keep in mind that they're indoors, which is a disadvantage for pokémon like Pidgeotto who are used to hunting in the outdoors where there's plenty of room to maneuver. Unless the roof of the room they're in is pretty freakin' high, there's no way it could reach an altitude where neither Doduo (very good jumping pokémon that) nor Houndour (ranged fire attacks, though a wind-based attack could avert that kind of attack) could reach it. So yeah, real world logic; not game logic, please. We can all play the games, but we can't take artistic liberties in them like you can do here.

Bagon Obeyed Nick's commands and used rock slide on Pidgeotto.

Information content = nadda. I already got to know all of this from the command above; what I want to know is how the flip that squirt of a dragon managed to pull out a bunch of falling rocks from thin air. Again, this makes sense in terms of game logic but in this kind of environment it's just absurd.

"And in case you don't know Chris, when an attack like this is used when your pokemon is up in the sky like this is does double the damage, which should KO your Pidgeotto,"

Actually, Rock Slide does no such thing, so this makes no sense in the game world; as for the real one, how do you measure damage numerically? I mean, how can you determine that this is twice as much damage as that? It makes no sense. I have to say that Duncan McNeil's point was very relevant; normative terms (better, stronger, good, bad, w/e) are far preferable to specific numerics. You are allowed to have HP, of course, but I'd like to know how the heck they're measuring it. x.O If they can't, then it's very weird to mention the term. Yes, you are allowed to do what you want in your fic, but the more unreal it is the better your justification for it should be.


That being said, I love the work you did on the personalities of those involved. Chris in particular seems a lot more alive than he did in the original version, especially with his oath to win the battle for Pidgeotto. (At this point, I'm actually on Chris' side in this. I mean, he's taking on double numbers and he seems like the more emotionally involved trainer here. I hope you at least let him put up a good fight in the next chapter.) So yes, have an almond for your improvement in character development. *Gives almond* Your description has also improved but it's still a bit lacking. You pegged your own weak points pretty well (Second almond for that), but I'd like to add overly adherence to game mechanics. I mean, if this was a fic wherein the characters actually are in a game world (There was one like that a long while back, with impassable ledges and everything. :3) then sure, why not, but in a case like this you should play by the real world mechanics. This means giving up some of the comfortable simplifications of the game environment, but on the other it adds a great amount of room for creativity and psychological aspects to battling that the games can't so you gain a lot more than you lose; don't be shy about making use of this freedom. :3

As a final note, I've got to commend your patience for stopping to improve this chapter and in continuously seeking opinions on your work. Such good attitude is worth another almond in my book; here's hoping that it will stay. At this rate of improvement, this fic is going to rock people's socks by the end. ^.^

Your total score for this chapter is thus three almonds, which is good. I'm definitely interested in seeing how this fic will develop, so keep at it. ^^


And I have no idea why I'm going on about almonds. *Shrug* Must be a late-night review thing. xD

 

[Scytheteen]

Would rather have gotten cookies. Okay, I am know thinking i'm starting to get it. As far as I know, when A pokemon is the air or underground, some moves can effect it and do double damge. (E.G. A pokemon underground gets dealt twice the damage when earthquake is used). I'll definitely be adding more description, but tonight's movie night so I probably won't get to all of that until late tonight or tomorrow.

Much Appreciated

EDIT: I finished all those mistakes I made in Chapitre duex. And, DP-Chan, there will definitely be some awesome battle strategies in the next chapter. Don't you worry!

 

[Grovyle42(Griff8416)]

It was very good compared to the first, un-editted chapter. It shows you're willing to improve.

I was impressed by the description and was by no means bad.
One thing was be sure to put a space after the period in "Mr.Dagger" or w/e so that it's "Mr. Dagger". I'll be reading more from this.

 

[diamondpearl876]

"Rules are double battle, you have five turns to win, and if there is no winner, you're both cut from the team," he explained

Forgot a period at the end.

He looked to the other side of him, and to his suprise, acutally saw Conner.

"actually"

He felt happy that he was battling, but it was a one of three match, but his Machop was kicking some serious ass here!

Last "here" should be "there"
Also, i think it should be "one on three match"

"Um, alright, I choose...Houndour and Doduo!" Nick said.

Nothing wrong here, you just forgot to put the space after it to indicate a new paragraph after. XP

They have been training for months, and it was the time for them to make it all worth something.

"They had been"

The Raticate obeyed and ran towards Duodo and bit him extremely hard. It Raticate sunk its teeth into Doduo's neck, and a hollar was hear from it.

"Hear" should be "here"

When he really looked into the eyes, it was then that doduo knew what to do to win this battle.

"Alright Doduo, use helping hand on houndour!"

What should be capitalized? XP Both places

"Yeah, I'm happy to see you to," Nick said.

"to" should be "too". Wahh I totally missed that last time >_<

"Woah, thats a really cool pokemon Nick! I can't wait to see what moves you have taught it," Chris said.

"that's"

Much better than last time, but like Alter Ego said, description is still lacking. And some more names aren't capitalized still but that's about it. But it can improve over time, and you can always, always edit previous chapters in the future, so don't be afraid to start chapter 3!

 

[Scytheteen]

I knew I forgot stuff. I'll go fix them. Hopefully I'll make time to post chaptire trois today.

 

[diamondpearl876]

I knew I forgot stuff. I'll go fix them. Hopefully I'll make time to post chaptire trois today.

Aujourd'hui? Already? XP

Give it a little more time than that, and spend a lot of time on it considering the things we pointed out for you.

 

[Scytheteen]

I added leik a lot more description if you look, and I leik, fixed everything. The chapter is already late but I suppose I could wait until demain.


EDIT: meh, I decided to make chapter titles.

 

[Astinus]

Just as a random note: It seems really unfair that the teacher would make Chris battle at a disadvantage with a four-on-two match. It probably would have been better to have two-on-two for battles, since I believe that all but one character has two or more Pokémon. If Chris had to fight in a four-on-two battle, he would already be at a disadvantage.

She was definitely making the first cuts-maybe even the team.

Since she hasn't made the first cut yet, it would be better to say "she was definitely going to make the first cuts".

It Raticate sunk its teeth into Doduo's neck, and a hollar was heard from it.

Random "it" at the beginning of the sentence isn't needed.

A large white light appeared on the battlefield, and in the midst, he was his grasshopper-like friend, Scyther.

Bolded "he" should be a "there", perhaps.

One thing that I have to say about this battle is that there is a definite lack of Chris in the battle. Nick and his Pokémon were described well, but there wasn't a lot about Chris. The teachers gave compliments to Nick, but not Chris. I know that you want Nick to be the hero, but there are other characters out there. I felt bad for Chris who couldn't seem to get a break.

Nick knew, that Scyther was a good choice for his pokemon.

Comma isn't needed.

There were times when you capitalized the Pokémon names, and other times that you didn't. You might want to keep that consistent. Either capitalize it all the time, or keep it capitalized for the name of the Pokémon only.

At that point all of the rocks went SLAM! right into Pidgeotto hitting it in all places possibly.

"Slam!" oO There's no need for onomatopoeia in fics when you could easily say "At that point all of the rocks slammed into Pidgeotto."

But then,, out of nowhere, the Pidgeotto opened its eyes and looked straight into Chris's eyes.

One too many commas here after "then".

Okay, everything Chris said in his last quote was diction, so don't tell me about his choice of words.

I didn't get a chance to comment on Alter Ego's mentioning of Chris saying "cuz". It's all right if Chris says that, just that you have to use the correct spelling of the word. It's "'Cause", not "cuz". Having a character use whatever he wants to in speech is all right, but you still need to spell words correctly.

I'm still with Alter Ego on the HP part. Yes, HP is allowed, but how is it measured, especially to that exact of a number? Just say that "Raticate looked as though it didn't have a lot of HP left."

And yeah, on that note, employ genders for your Pokémon. They're living creatures, and so they should be treated as such.

I feel there should be a bit more description for the battle to make it clearer as to what Pokémon is doing what. I didn't see what this chapter looked like before, so I don't know how much of an improvement you made, but your reviewers tell me that you have gotten better. You can only get better, Scythe-kun. ;3

 

[Scytheteen]

Just as a random note: It seems really unfair that the teacher would make Chris battle at a disadvantage with a four-on-two match. It probably would have been better to have two-on-two for battles, since I believe that all but one character has two or more Pokémon. If Chris had to fight in a four-on-two battle, he would already be at a disadvantage.


Since she hasn't made the first cut yet, it would be better to say "she was definitely going to make the first cuts".


Random "it" at the beginning of the sentence isn't needed.


Bolded "he" should be a "there", perhaps.

One thing that I have to say about this battle is that there is a definite lack of Chris in the battle. Nick and his Pokémon were described well, but there wasn't a lot about Chris. The teachers gave compliments to Nick, but not Chris. I know that you want Nick to be the hero, but there are other characters out there. I felt bad for Chris who couldn't seem to get a break.


Comma isn't needed.

There were times when you capitalized the Pokémon names, and other times that you didn't. You might want to keep that consistent. Either capitalize it all the time, or keep it capitalized for the name of the Pokémon only.


"Slam!" oO There's no need for onomatopoeia in fics when you could easily say "At that point all of the rocks slammed into Pidgeotto."


One too many commas here after "then".


I didn't get a chance to comment on Alter Ego's mentioning of Chris saying "cuz". It's all right if Chris says that, just that you have to use the correct spelling of the word. It's "'Cause", not "cuz". Having a character use whatever he wants to in speech is all right, but you still need to spell words correctly.

I'm still with Alter Ego on the HP part. Yes, HP is allowed, but how is it measured, especially to that exact of a number? Just say that "Raticate looked as though it didn't have a lot of HP left."

And yeah, on that note, employ genders for your Pokémon. They're living creatures, and so they should be treated as such.

I feel there should be a bit more description for the battle to make it clearer as to what Pokémon is doing what. I didn't see what this chapter looked like before, so I don't know how much of an improvement you made, but your reviewers tell me that you have gotten better. You can only get better, Scythe-kun. ;3

Mmkay. I'll go fix the grammar stuff. I don't think there is a way for me to work around the HP, so I might as well just ditch it. xP. Genders? I have no idea where that came from...I really don't know what I was thinking when writing this sometimes. I put random words in there. xD. I'm still a little confused on your stand on the onomotopeoia though. Elaborate.

 

[TNT]

you're a good writer. i'm rubbish at stuff like this :P
i cant wait to read more

 

[Scytheteen]

you're a good writer. i'm rubbish at stuff like this :P
i cant wait to read more

Thanks, I'm glad you leik it.

 

[Astinus]

What I meant by that random "SLAM!" in the middle of the sentence was that it was jarring to the reader. There was no need for the onomatopoeia (a word that reads like the sound it describes. When you slam something, the sound it makes sounds like "slam") in the middle of a sentence when you could have just said "The rocks slammed into Pidgeotto" or "With a slam, the rocks hit the bird out of the sky". Just something better than a caps-locked "SLAM!" in the middle of a sentence.

 

[Scytheteen]

Okay well, I think I've fixed up the most of the problems faced in chapitre duex, and chapitre trois is very overdue (should've been posted thursday).

The Final Turn​

"I don't expect anything less that your hardest Chris. But sometimes, some ones hardest just isn't good enough. For now, I'll have my Scyther finish this turn off with a swords dance," Nick said.

The Scyther raised its arms and blades and closed its eyes. Its entire body began to glow and a green aura was emitting off of the grasshopper-like creature.

"Good job Nick. You also Chris. For a two on four battle, you're doing an incredible job! Anyway, this is the final turn so Apresúrese*," Mr. Fisher explained to the boys.

"Right, now Raticate, come out come out wherever you are!" Chris said again with the same evil voice that had come upon his near the middle of the battle.

But this time, Nick was more prepared for whatever cards were dealt to him. He now had the emotional stability that he lacked the last time this happened and he realized he needed to take this like a man should. The Raticate, still underground, scrambled rapidly. Eventually, the Rat-pokemon jumped out from the ground and landed straight onto Bagon. The small dragon was severely hurt, but not as hurt it would've been if the attack had gone the way it had previously gone. Nick couldn't help this time but lower his head in shame. After a few seconds, he picked his head up and smiled a devilish smile. He knew that this battle was his.

"Alright Bagon, we need to do this to win. Use double-edge!" Nick commanded.

Bagon shifted its weight to its head and charged towards the rat. It hit him, in a not-so-soft spot, for it appeared that it didn't affect the rat as much as it did the dragon. Bagon was at such a loss at energy, it literally fainted right there on the spot, completely knocked out.

"Bagon, I must say, for such a small creature, you put up a mighty fight. Don't worry, this battle is ours for sure," Nick promised.

Nick had but one move left until the battle would be over. Chris had been through so much, and Nick wanted to forfeit and give Chris the battle, but he knew that he couldn't do that. He needed to make this team.

"Scyther, use slash," Nick said.

The pokemon raised its arm and flew towards the Raticate and full speed, slashing it right across its face. It wouldn't shatter the pokemon that easily, but it would shatter both of their chances of making the team. Nick had used his last move and the five turn battle was over. Both of them would be cut from the team.

"Boys, I'm sorry but, you didn't finish in the five expected turns. You both have to leave," Mr. Fisher explained with a melancholy tone.

Nick held his head in shame of not making the team for about three seconds until he heard a familiar voice from the crowd.

"Wait!" exclaimed a voice in the crowd

Nick and Chris both looked to see who said it. When they looked, they found that it had been said by their friend, Jimmy.

"These two boys have battled their hearts out this entire battle. If they are not granted one more turn then, how do you expect to win anything? Real battles in this league never last five turns. Give them what they deserve, one more turn," Jimmy lectured.

Suddenly, after that speech others from the crowd began to all say "yeahs" and "give 'em one more turn."

"Jimmy, the only way I can allow that, is if I cut somebody here. I have to make a certain number of cuts, in a certain amount of time. I need to make sure everyone makes their bus, so unless someone would like to speak up, it's over for you two," Mr. Dagger explained.

It all went silent for what seemed like ten hours to Nick.

"Nobody?" Mr. Fields questioned. "Nobody wants to take the cut?"

"Okay then, Chris and Nick, I hate to say this but-" Mr. Dagger started.

"Wait. I'll take it," somebody said.

Again, surprised by a familiar voice, Chris and Nick turned around to see who said it. When they turned to the voice, it was somebody in the middle of their battle, none other than Connor.

"Connor, are you sure you want to do this?" Mr. Fisher questioned.

"Positive, I didn't even want to do this in the first place," Connor said.

"Alright then Connor, it kills me to say this because you would've survived first cuts, but you have been cut," Mr. Dagger said.

"Thanks Connor, we'll be sure to finish this battle," Chris explained.

"Connor, I-I-I, thanks. This really means a lot to me," Nick said.

Nick smiled a little bit and a small tear formed in his eye, but it didn't come out. Nick just wiped it away and raised his head. Nick put a smirk on himself.

"Chris, I've been granted so many chances in this battle, I will not let this one go to waste. Prepare to lose," Nick said.

"Alright, because Connor eliminated himself, I will give you two more turns," Mr. Fisher explained while holding up two fingers which made as peace sign in Nick's head.

"Alright Raticate, we must be blessed to get this second chance. I don't want any turns to go to waste, now let's use a super fang!" Chris commanded.

Raticate swiveled from side to side trying to confuse the Scyther about which way it was going to attack. After about ten seconds of swiveling, the Raticate gained enough speed and power and started to charge right towards Scyther, while still swiveling. At this point both Scyther and Nick were confused. Even Chris had a dazed look on his face. The mighty Raticate approached Scyther and bit its left leg. A screech could be heard from the grasshopper pokemon and it fell to the floor, cringing in pain.

"Scyther!" Nick cried out. "Come on Scyther, you can do it, please Scyther, please..."

A tear rolled down Nick's face. He thought he could be prepared this time for another emotional attack like this, but in his heart he knew he wasn't. He needed to make this team. But then he realized that it wasn't not making the team that he was upset about, it was his injured Scyther he was worried about. His brave Scyther, his most trusted and powerful pokemon, had fallen in defeat.

'All my chances, all of my hard work, was for nothing,' Nick thought.

"Nick, look," Chris said.

Nick raised his head slightly so he could see the battlefield. He saw the same sight he had seen before. He looked a lot more closely and he saw his Scyther's eyes. He saw that one of them was opened.

"Scyther?" Nick questioned. "Scyther a-are you alright?"

The second eyelid opened.

"I-I-I think he's okay guys," Nick said.

Scyther put it's blades on the floor and used them to lift itself up. Its knees were a little wobbly from the previous attack, but it was still standing.

"Scyther, are you sure you can do this?"

"Scythe, Scyther Scy Scy, Scyther," it said.

"Okay then buddy. Let's win this battle," Nick said with a smile on his face. "Use false swipe!" Nick commanded sounding sterner.

Scyther raised its arms and prepared to take off when it fell to the floor, its knees were still a little too wobbly.

"Well, it seems like that's not going to work. Let's use swords dance instead," Nick called out.

The Scyther started emanating a green aura from its body. It raised its arms and they formed into the shape of a sword, but not short after returned to their normal shape. The green aura disappeared only to have a red aura and an orange aura start emanating.

"Good job Nick, this battle is definitely going to be a close one," Chris said.

'Now let's see, I can't use super of hyper fang again, he's probably figured out the strategy by now. I can't use dig because I don't enough turns for that. There's only one last thing I can do,'

Chris yelled out a few commands to his Raticate. Raticate looked at him for a few seconds, almost stunned at the command. Raticate had never used this move before and honestly, it thought the move was frivolous. Though it digressed, it needed to use the move. Raticate started moving extremely rapidly. It was traveling around the Scyther in a big circle. It was making the Scyther dizzy and it fell down. That was Raticate's chance and Nick knew, that if this was the move he thought it was, the battle would be over. The Raticate stopped spinning for about a tenth of a second and rammed into the Scyther. It didn't effect it much though. It was only, a mere quick attack. Nick thought for sure it was hyper fang.

The audience went quiet for a bit. Chris knew exactly what he had done. He had promised Pidgeotto that he would win this battle for her, but he neglected that promise, and decided to put his friendship in front of all that. Chris knew this team meant a lot more to Nick then it did to himself. He decided to give it to him, and keep the friendship with that.

Nick drew a blank for a few seconds, lost for words. All he could do was stutter meaningless blabber. A few laughs were heard from the audience, and that was the first sound from them in a while. Nick couldn't even command his Scyther to attack, but Scyther knew what he was supposed to do. It slashed Raticate. A mark was left on Raticate's face, and it fell to the ground. Chris just smiled and held out his pokeball. A red light appeared and sucked in the unconscious Raticate. The battle had ended, and Nick had come out victoriously. Nick realized what Chris did.

"Chris, I-I, thank-" Nick blabbered.

"Save it, I know," Chris said. He seemed happy and tried to put on a smile, but Nick knew he was still crushed. He couldn't help but feel guilty and responsible.

'I needed to win this battle. I needed to win this battle.' Those words kept repeating over and over to make himself feel less responsible, but it didn't. He had just beaten his best friend and he knew they would never be as close as they used to.

'I needed to win this battle'​

Alright, I lenghthened it a bit.

*Apresúrese-Hurry up

 

[Astinus]

Okay, this review is going to focus more on description. I'll leave the grammar to dp876. xP

The Scyther raised its arms and blades and closed its eyes. Its entire body began to glow and a green aura was emitting off of the grasshopper-like creature.

This is pretty good. You should how Swords Dance could work in a "real world" battle.

The Raticate, still underground, scrambled rapidly underground.

Try not to repeat words so close together while talking about the same thing. The last "underground" tells the reader that Raticate is indeed below ground. Read over your chapter to find little mistakes like this.

I know that this chapter was meant to show Nick's feelings as he beat his friend and the length he would go to to make the team, but there was still something missing. I guess if you wanted to show Nick's character grow, then you should have given more of an insight into his thoughts. You did good when you had the last chapter of him trying to convince himself that he had to beat Chris to make the team, but there was still something missing.

I dunno. Maybe that's just me and the type of reader that I am. I just enjoy getting into the character's head.

xP I guess your prediction was right, neh?