Hey there Scythmaster!. Sorry if whatever I said is the same as the other reviewers. I hadn't read them yet (well, I skimmed through some of them ^.^; ) because of time issues, but I am pretty sure they gave you great advice. Also, sorry if the quote examples I am showing you isn't the same as the edit versions. Um…I copied and past this story in Microsoft Word a few days ago as sometimes my internet spazzed out on me randomly, sometimes a long time if there are weather troubles. -___- All right, now to start!
Chapter One:
I have noticed that you kept describing the people in techinal terms, what they do, and just say what kind of Pokemon they have. For instance,
He barely made the bus to school, but when he did he took his seat in the back. He was supposed to do his english homework on the ride to school, but he was to excited. He sat across from one of his best friends Chris. He was 5'2 and loyal person. He was very strong and could probably lift someone at random on his bus. He had brown hair and had brown eyes. He was really good at pokemon training, and he was trying out, but he wasn't so sure if he would make it. He only had two pokemon, but boy were they strong. They were a pidgeotto and a raticate. Most people trying out had 3 or more with them, so it would be hard for him to win. Diagonlly from his was his other good friend Jimmy. Jimmy had thick brown hair, almost black and he was a chubby person. He wasn't the fittest of kids and only did karate. He didn't spend much time training as he mostly caught. He has a team of six, but they were all weak. He definitley would not get on the team. And in front of Nick was Connor. He wasn't that good of friend of Nick's but he was friendly with him. He was only about 5'0. He was really strong and did wrestling. He could beat Nick. ALthough he was good at wrestling, pokemon training he was not so good at.. He only had one machop, and it could be easily beaten by Nick's doudo. He wasn't even trying out for the team. All Nick could think about the whole ride was the tryouts until Chris interupted his thoughts.
In this quote you explained the characters in almost the same format: their height and weight, what kind of Pokemon they have and/or if they are weak or strong, what kind of activities they do. Pretty much all of them you were
telling, not [/I]showing[/I]. I am going to talked first about how you talked about the Pokemon and then how you described the characters.
Instead of telling that all of Jimmy's team is weak or Chris' Pokemon is strong, show it when the guys are going to trials, during lunch break, or at least have the boys talked about their Pokemon's strenghts in a short conversion. Heck, since Nick is thinking about the tryouts, have him imagine how the tryouts will go with his friends' Pokemon. (Ya know, that would make a really fun daydream, really XD) As to
how you show it, I will put it this way. How you want Chris' Pidgeotto to be shown that he is strong? Maybe have him blow a very strong gust attack, managed to slice a tree with its Steel Wing attack or another strong one, etc.
Now, to Nick's friends. Liked I said before, you were describing them with the exact height and weight. You are not doing their driver licenses, are you? :P Telling them if they are short or tall is good enough and the weight saying that they are fat or skinny is fine. And I don't think it is really necessary to say that Jimmy did karate as I am not sure what this got to do with the story unless you are also trying to show their personality on what kind of activities they did. Instead of telling that Jimmy did karate, maybe have one of the guys ask Jimmy, "How is karate going for you" or have the friends check him out during one of his karate practices. Having the guys go his house and seeing a couple of pictures and trophies of Jimmy in karate is fine too.
Another thing I noticed is you pretty much described what happened in his classes. I don't think that is really necessary. For example,:
And after that it got quiet and after about five minutes, they arrived at the school. He didn't pay attention to anything in the hall and rushed to english and sat down in his desk. He didn't do his homework and he was very nervous. After five minutes of him siting there kids started pouring in the room, and after two minutes the bell rang. His teacher was a very strict, but nice teacher. She didn't check homework for some reason today and Nick got lucky. He learned about some poet from the 1800's who married his own cousin.
"Boring," he thought to himself.
Since tryouts are coming and he is really excited about it, maybe in a couple of those classes have him not paying attention and whisper to one his friends about it or have him daydream. I know from experience whenever tryouts or a game (played a couple of sports in high school) is coming, I would be very excited and sometimes wondered how that will go. ^^
While skimming the other reviews real quick, I agreed with one of them about using "popular". I believe the narrator using adjectives like "popular" and "cute" to describe their character makes the writer inexperienced on how to not their characters all Sue-ish and stereotypical. I am a believer of everyone having their own definition of what is cool, popular, cute, etc. Basically, be careful with the adjectives you are using. The only exception though is if you are writing in the character's thoughts of how that person is popular or in first person point of view.
So yeah, can tell that this chapter is meant to introduce the characters but you jampacked too many info about them, some which are really unnecessary. Also, you tend to tell than show. Don't worry, with more practice you will learn more what I mean. I too need help in that area once in a while. ^O^
Chapter Two
He could see Billy in his battle with some big, bulky muscular-like kid. It was a one on one match, and Billy had the upper hand. He looked to the other side of him, and to his suprise, actually saw Conner. He felt happy that he was battling, but it was a one on three match, but his Machop was kicking some serious ass there! Finally he looked to the far left, behind Billy, where he saw Dylan battling. She was one of the few girls there, and she was owning that guy she was battling. She was definitely going to make the first cuts-maybe even the team.
Using the phrases "kicking some serious ass there!" and "she was owning that guy" makes the story sound less "professional". You don't see any published books with the narrators saying that! XD Instead of "she was owning that guy she was battling", maybe use "she was crushing that guy she was battling". Also, it would be better if it is in Nick's thoughts. I don't know, but a narrator outright say "he is defeating him real badly" irks me. I think the "kicking some serious ass!" part is better in Nick's thoughts too.
Scyther raised its blades that were on the tip on its hands. It flew up to Raticate. It went right through its stomach. It was apparent that the Raticate had only little HP left.
I think it is better to describe Raticate's state instead of saying little HP yet. Maybe describe how there were a lot of scratches on the rat Pokemon's body.
So far in this chapter, the battle still could use a bit of work. One, I feel that you could have gotten the emotional descriptions of the Pokemon and their trainers better. For example:
The Raticate burrowed itself underground again, and at the same time the pidgeotto flew up into the sky.
"Good job Chris, you may think that you have this entire match locked up, but in fact, you don't," Nick explained.
"What do you mean? My pidgeotto will eliminate your Scyther in one false swoop, and your Bagon won't take long to defeat with my Raticate underground. You can't win!" Chris stated.
"No, because there are ways to attack pokemon when they are underground, suspended in the air and underwater. Like my bagon, with rock slide," Nick started.
In this part, you could have put a few physical indicators. For instance, you can put how Nick grinned when he explained to Chris of how he doesn't have the entire match locked up. I felt that they are not showing their reactions while they are speaking. The two are taunting at each other and they would either be mad, scared, etc. and show it instead of just explaining and stating.
"Pidgeotto, I'm-I'm-I'm sorry..." Chris started. "But you did great Pidgeotto, and I will be sure to win this battle for you. And as for you, Nick, the battle ain't over till it's over, and the fat lady hasn't sung yet. Get ready to take the worst beating of your life, because right now, I'm putting this friendship aside and going all out from here on. Me and Raticate are going to pulverize you to a pulp. So you best get ready."
I think using whimpered instead of "started" (I assume it is stated) would make it more powerful. The scene would me more emotional if you described Chris' feelings, both in physical indicators and in his mind. You could have maybe have tears running own on his cheeks (assuming he is really sad of Pidgotto out of the battle) and also know that he is at a disadvantage, which would make him really mad and have him clinched his fists or something.
I agree with a couple of the reviewers (again, skimmed XD) of how Chris is at a disadvantage, and now he is even in more trouble with him only having a Raticate. Also, it would be better if the battle ended in this chapter, but I guess you are doing it as a cliffhanger, which is good in suspense if not used too much. XD
Chapter Three
"Alright Bagon, we need to do this to win. Use double-edge!" Nick commanded.
Bagon shifted its weight to its head and charged towards the rat. It hit him, in a not-so-soft spot, for it appeared that it didn't effect the rat as much as it did the dragon. Bagon was at such a loss at energy, it literally fainted right there on the spot, completely knocked out.
"Bagon, I must say, for such a small creature, you put up a mighty fight. Don't worry, this battle is ours for sure," Nick promised.
I think you could have done better with Nick's reaction. Is he shock that Raticate wasn't effected as much and instead Bagon is? Happy Bagon did well? Maybe both?
"Wait. I'll take it," somebody said.
Again, suprised by a familiar voice, Chris and Nick turned around to see who said it. When they turned to the voice, it was somebody in the middle of their battle, none other than Connor.
"Connor, are you sure you want to do this?" Mr. Fisher questioned.
"Positive, I didn't even want to do this in the first place," Connor said.
"Alright then Connor, it kills me to say this because you would've survived first cuts, but you have been cut," Mr. Dagger said.
"Thanks Connor, we'll be sure to finish this battle," Chris explained.
"Connor, I-I-I, thanks. This really means a lot to me," Nick said.
Nick smiled a little bit and a small tear formed in his eye, but it didn't come out. Nick just wiped it away and raised his head. Nick put a smirk on himself.
I actually like how you expand Nick's emotions a bit of how he is happy Connor is cutting himself so that him and Chris can battle each other.
A tear rolled down Nick's face. He thought he could be prepared this time for another emotional attack like this, but in his heart he knew he wasn't. He needed to make this team. But then he realized, that it wasn't not making the team that he was upset about, it was his injured Scyther he was worried about. His brave Scyther, his most trusted and powerful pokemon, had fallen in defeat.
'All my chances, all of my hard work, was for nothing,' Nick thought.
"Nick, look," Chris said.
Nick raised his head slighty so he could see the battlefield. He saw the same sight he had seen before. He looked a lot more closely and he saw his Scyther's eyes. He saw that one of them was opened.
"Scyther?" Nick questioned. "Scyther a-are you alright?"
The second eyelid opened.
"I-I-I think he's okay guys," Nick said.
The first part of this quote you were doing quite good with Nick's emotion when he thought Scyther is down. However, on the last part I thought you could have done better. How did Nick feel when Scyther's second eyelid opened. Is he worried Scyther is going to suddenly fall? Hoping he can be able to fight? Happy he is okay?
The ending is nicely done. Nick's feelings is realistic and it shows his personality a bit. Hm, I bet it will affect him a lot later on.
Chapter Four
He had just awoken up from thee little sleep he got that night. Nick barely got any sleep that night, he just wasn't able to fall asleep with all that guilt he had over his best friend. He was tossing and turning in his bed all night long, not an hour of sleep. He rolled over in his bed and looked at his alarm clock which was ringing. It read 7:14.
On the bolded part, it is a bit of a repetition as you said Nick barley got any sleep twice. On the second sentence, you can cut out "Nick barley got any sleep that night".
"Yeah, I thought it was Monday, and I have that field trip you know...so I didn't want to be late," Nick managed to spit out.
"Is there something wrong?" his Mom questioned.
"No, I just had a...nightmare," he said.
"Oh, are you okay?" she said.
"Yeah...I-I-I'm fine...just a little...shaken up," he studdered.
"Ok, well...why don't you call Chris up...I think you should hang out with him," she said in hopes of cheering Nick up.
"No, I think I'll call up Julia today, I haven't seen her in a few days," Nick said back. Julia was his girlfriend. She was only about 5'0, but she very pretty.
On that quote I felt you could have describe how his mother know that something is wrong. Can she tell from his voice? Maybe she is seeing his hands shaking? A combination of both?
Next, I felt after Nick's mom said he should call Chris that you could have expand the emotional description more. You could have put how Nick is still feeling guilty about that match and is not ready to face the music yet but knew his mother did not know anything about the match yet and it isn't her fault.
Lastly, on that bolded part…well, I don't really like it when the narrator says straightforward that this character is pretty. It would be better if it is on Nick's mind, like for instance, "Nick thought that his girlfriend is the most prettiest one at school". The reason I am bringing this up is because everybody has their own definition of what is beautiful, pretty, ugly, etc.
Haha, I quite like the beginning because that happens to me to sometimes…even to this day while I am in college. If I woke up late I would rush also and then if it is the weekend, I would wondered why I did that. XD
As of Juila…well, there is not much about her except she is Nick's boyfriend and (assuming from the phone call) is very close to her hamster. Probably as the story progresses, the readers will get to know her more.
Lastly, it's good that you are having Nick really guilty about this win of his with him not sleeping, that dream, and not wanting to hang out with Chris at the moment. Still, like I mentioned on the quote before, you could have expand it a bit more description wise.
Overall: At first the story was a bit jerky but then things get better. You have improved quite a bit here with description, both emotional and physical. It still needs a bit more work, but can tell you are trying to give it your all after seeing your posts of how you kept revising and revising. Also, be careful in trying not to describe straightfoward the characters being "popular", "pretty", etc. I hope that this review helps in any way.
Well, good luck on the next chapter and I hope to review it soon…if I am not too busy with studying finals! XD
