Smells Like Teen Spirit or: The Story of Maccrash's First Kiss

[Her]

forum user maccrash had his first kiss tonight, which he naturally divulged to me in full detail as soon as he got home. as expected, it was as young adult novel and sickeningly sweet as you would imagine. wishing to spread the good news, he gave me the rights to tell his story in full and without any embellishment. here is that story.

Part I: MacConfidence Issues

Matt MacCrash was anxious, but a little bit delirious with joy at the prospects of the hours ahead. 'Wow this is gonna be a Pretty Rad Night, if I say so myself' he said as he put on his Doc Martens and looked into the full-length mirror. Martens? Check. Blue and white striped Abercrombie and Fitch top? Check. Black, slightly faded jacket bought from Goodwill the same day I saw her for the first time? Double check. He reached into his jacket pocket and removed a well-worn photo of Bill Murray and gazed upon it. It was times like these, times he knew were going to be pivotal moments in the formation of his existence, that he talked to Bill. He knew Bill Murray wasn't really there, but what did that matter? Bill had always been there for him before and nothing was going to change now.

'I'm scared, Bill. I know we have mutual feelings towards each other, but what if she realises she's just confused? What if I'm just going to come home with nothing to remember?'

'Dealing with chicks ain't gotta be that complicated. You wanna be with her? Then be someone she wants to be with. You wanna kiss her? Be someone she wants to kiss. Oh, look, you are all those things. Just go out and have fun, it's not that complicated. Christ. You only ever pull me out when you have woman trouble or you've watched some homoerotic artsy shit and you're confused about why you felt something down there.'

'But what if sh-'

'Listen - you know me as an idealised figment of your imagination, based on what you have seen in my body of work, my lasting legacy on your consciousness. Any conversation you have with me is just you talking to a variation of yourself, using my form for your own ease. It's like that movie Contact - where the alien takes the form of Jodie Foster's dead dad or some shit. Fuck if I knew what was going on there. Seriously, we're just expected to take that plot narrative up the ass and just leave it as it is? Carl Sagan knew his stars but his storylines? Christ. Anyway, whatever you ask me is really you asking yourself what to do. I can only facilitate your own understanding. I'm just Bill Murray, as represented by you, Matt MacCrash. The star of Ghostbusters and later on, more distinguished films like Lost in Translation and Garfield: A Tail of Two Kitties, as remembered in your head. Only you can figure out what to do, Matt. But I think it will be okay, since you're asking.'

Matt MacCrash wiped away his tears. 'Thank you, Bill. I love you.'

'I love you too. It's almost eight, Matt. Better go pick her up.'

'Okay. I'll tell you how it goes.'

'Did you not listen to my fucking monologue? I'm gonna know anyway you fucking fa-'

Matt folded Bill away and stuffed him back into his jacket pocket. Bill was right. It was time to pick up Katherine. Grievances laid to rest for the meanwhile, Matt snuffed out the burning incense that makes up 80% of the gaseous matter in his room at any given moment. He turned out the lights and said bye to his mum, just telling her that he was going out with a girl and that he'd be back before curfew. 'Bye son!' she answered and waved as her child went out the door into the night. Mrs MacCrash immediately called out to Mr MacCrash telling him the good news: 'See? I told you he wasn't gay! He's bi! We don't have to pray anymore!' Mr MacCrash put down his pipe, wiped his glasses and exclaimed 'Thank you, Lord. Good golly, thank you.'

Part II coming soon. Probably tonight since I have nothing better to do.

 

[Alex]

i love the hero of this story. but who is the villain?

 

[Spiff]

adriana how are you gonna tease us like this

 

[Shining Raichu]

I have never loved you, nor Matt MacCrash, more than I do in this moment.

 

[Her]

Part II: MacCrazy in Love

Matt MacCrash was anxious, but a little bit delirious with joy at the prospects of the hours ahead. But he wasn't afraid. His conversation with Bill Murray had alleviated his fears and he was ready for the night ahead. He pulled out of the driveway and began the journey to Katherine's house. It was actually just a ten minute drive around middle class suburbia, but to Matt, it was a journey. That's how he thought. It was the journey into Katherine's arms. It was that deep. Her blonde pixie cut hair, her tattered jeans, the disinterested look in her eyes and the slightly dirty pink scarf she also bought from Goodwill that same day. She was beautiful. He quivered slightly.

The classic Teenage Dirtbag by legendary pop-rock band Wheatus was playing on the radio. He would like to take Katherine to an Iron Maiden concert, Matt pondered. No, wait, Steely Dan. Oh yeah. That was it. Steely Dan filled him with emotion to the very brim. But then he remembered something - he has the new Radiohead album! Fuck Yeah, he muttered. I Fucking Love Radiohead. He immediately connected his phone to the stereo and selected A Moon Shaped Pool for listening. Matt drove along the road in a slight daze, becoming a hazard to the various children and teens hanging out on those streets. Radiohead played on. A sudden stream of consciousness burst in his brain. He was about to have another conversation.

'Oh fuck me mate, why do you have to summon me now? Didn't ye already talk to bloody Bill Murray?'

'Hi Thom.'

'I'm just tryin' to enjoy my damn album without you pissing all over it with your feeeeelings! What do ye want?'

'Oh, just to talk. I'm going to her place, Thom. I'm Incredibly Excited.'

'I don't care, Matt. Just go and do whatever yeh gonna do, I'm not in the mood for existential whiiiining. I do that 90% of the time anyway, let me have some time to meself.'

'You always know just what to say. Thanks Thom.'

'Pisssss offffffffffff.'

He enjoyed talking to Thom Yorke. He knew Thom didn't share the same sentiment, but it didn't bother Matt. It was just a pleasure to be in his presence, however brief. One day they'd have a mutually fun conversation, but that was another joy for another day. Only a couple of minutes away, he muttered. Katherine was almost there, in all her manic pixie glory. He pulled over and lit some incense in his car, hating to be without the noxious fumes in his nostrils. While doing so, he made a list of all the important moments of his life so far. Birth. Meeting Alex on PokéCommunity. That time he thought he saw a boob irl but it was actually just a ceiling light. All formative, treasured moments. This was going to top them all. But then it all came rushing back to him. But what if he couldn't? What if she didn't want to? What if.... what if he appeared? No, no. Matt straightened his spine and shook his head. He was not going to let him get in the way. This was his night and he was going to make sure He Did It.

He pulled up outside Katherine's house. This was it. The moment he had been waiting for, this is what John Green had promised him. He got a text from her. hey babe, getting changed now. will only be five minutes. stay cute :) Matt would stay cute if it was the last thing he did. It was that important. He quivered again - he had never so much as touched a girl before, let alone kissed her. That concept of sensuality had eluded him thus far. It had yet to be made flesh, to touch hetero lip against slightly hetero lip. To press his Doc Martens against her Doc Martens. But that was his plan for the night, to connect with her in the only way he knew how. He just had one problem.

Wes Anderson wouldn't let him.

Part III whenever.

 

[OuterTsuchinoko]

I don't know the member this is about but the story is very interesting nonetheless.

 

[gimmepie]

God help us all there's Maccrash fan fiction now... and I can't stop reading it.

 

[Spiff]

please tell me the kiss isn't with the bill murray photo

 

[maccrash]

this is the best dramatization of all time. All Time.

 

[Logan]

ok be calm

 

[Sirfetch’d]

This should be a Daily article

 

[Lucid]

The car incense was a nice touch.

 

[maccrash]

love the intense homoerotic undertones. not even undertones. it's blatant. it's very interesting

 

[dad]

truly inspirational

 

[maccrash]

not sure I'm even going to set the record straight when all's said and done. I like the idea of PokeCommunity perceiving me as a 17 year old doc marten-wearing habitual incense burner with a worn picture of Bill Murray in his coat pocket at all times.

 

[gimmepie]

not sure I'm even going to set the record straight when all's said and done. I like the idea of PokeCommunity perceiving me as a 17 year old doc marten-wearing habitual incense burner with a worn picture of Bill Murray in his coat pocket at all times.

Isn't that a perfect description of you?

 

[Her]

8k posts jfc

Part III: MacConversations

Matt MacCrash was anxious, but a little bit delirious with joy at the prospects of the hours ahead. However, that delirium had once again given way to pure fear. Wes Anderson had once again sprung up in his mind. He supposed it was inevitable, Wes Anderson was too important for him to ever truly lock away. Too much of a... formative influence. His pastel colour palettes, his sandy hair shaped like a wet dishcloth. His soundtracks, his perpetual smirk reminiscent of someone who was about to correct a forum user about their grammatical error. He was the most inspiring person Matt had ever known. He had hoped to avoid talking to Wes Anderson tonight - it was too much baggage, too much to consider, too much for Matt MacCrash to deal with on the night of losing his kissginity. It was super important. Losing his kissginity was really, really important. He knew he would have to talk to Wes before things continued but-

'Hey, cutie. You ready?' Katherine knocked on his car door, oblivious to her date's inner turmoil. Matt looked up and was stunned. Katherine Greenjohnson was stunning. He was absolutely stunned.

'I love your Doc Martens, Matt MacCrash. Your Abercrombie and Fitch shirt is also hot. I have a similar pair of Doc Martens I think you may like, but I'll show you them another time. I have some other items of clothing we could share. You have the body of a small female cheerleader and so I think you will fit them perfectly. I think this is going to be a lovely night, Matt MacCrash.'

Those were some of the most beautiful words Matt MacCrash would ever hear in his life.

'You look Super Swell as well, Katherine. I love your ironic Pandora bracelet - it really compliments the Coexist tattoo that so delicately rests on your wrist. By the way, I... would love to see your Doc Martens sometime. That would also be Super Swell.'

'It's a date!' Katherine Greenjohnson giggled into her hand and looked away into the night for no apparent reason. Matt loved when she did that, it was just one of her many quirks that he adored.

'W-w-well Katherine, shall we go?'

'Yes, lets! Now, where exactly are we going? You didn't tell me anything when you called me.'

'There's a screening of Blue Velvet in 20 minutes that I've already bought us tickets for. I couldn't think of anything More Romantic than watching Blue Velvet on a Thursday night. After that, we're going to go hangout in an empty parking lot or maybe even a playground... whatever you w-want!'

'That sounds absolutely delightful, Matt MacCrash. Let's go!' He reversed out of the driveway and drove to the theatre, both teens making small talk about The Kinks and Donnie Darko or shit like that. It was real cool. Radiohead played in the background, both of them humming along to Thom Yorke whenever there was a lull in the conversation. The streetlamps were lit and each time Matt drove past one, the rhythmic sensation of lights fluttering in his eyes in perfect interval calmed him down. It was one of those moments where dialogue isn't needed, and if it's there, it is a slow humming in the background. Indistinct except for phrases like 'I love the smell of that incense, I didn't know they made incense for cars' and 'Fun fact: I heard that Steve Buscemi was a firefighter on 9/11. Isn't that cool?' Katherine thought it was really cool. But Matt hadn't forgotten about Wes Anderson and decided he would have to talk to him before the movie started. He needed to get him out of the way before he could consider the night ahead, possibly the rest of his life. It was that important. Matt pulled up and told Katherine that he'd be with her in a second, he just needed to take a piss. She was welcome to go buy any food with his wallet and he'd meet up soon.

Matt entered the stall and sat down. This was it. He knew he had to do this right now, right then. To move on to his next love... he had to leave the first.

'Hey Wes.'

'Hello, Matthew. What's up?'

Part 4 either tomorrow or Tuesday probably.

 

[Lucid]

Are teenagers today really this into stuff from 20 years ago

 

[Her]

Are teenagers today really this into stuff from 20 years ago

well the 20 year nostalgia cycle is a thing
though dearest matt isn't even 20

 

[gimmepie]

I am certain that this is a 100% factual retelling at this point.