The Father of Ash

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Like it has been said before you desperately need to lengthen your chapters. You have almost no detail in your chapters at all. Its all very one sided

Just then, Team Rocket came in, and shot Ash's long lost sister, who was just getting up.
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Now you could put so much detail in this one sentence its not even funny. You need to learn to use some detail in your chapters. Just try and ramble on about everything you see in your mind. The more detail you have in your chapters the easier it is for the reader to understand the story.

As for the story it seems a tad cliche. I would recommend writing a serious fanfic before writing a Chew On This fanfic.

(Chew On This: Something that is very random and has almost no story arcs or main characters)
 
THE FANFIC IS OVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

COULD SOMEONE PLEEEEEEEEEEEASE CLOSE THIS THREAD!!!!!!! The fic is over and I can't work on any more until after spring break since I didn't bring my laptop but I'm using a PC in the PC room.
 
When a fic is finished the thread doesn't need to be closed. You should only ask for closure if you positive the fic will never reach its conclusion or if it's being spammed up.
 
Also, if I don't check every thread in this section, I never would have seen your post. So if you want a thread closed, PM the moderator of the section, and it's up to their decision if the thread gets closed or not.

Like Gummy said, just because a fic is finished doesn't mean the thread gets closed. It remains open so that people can continue to review the story and give advice, which the author should follow.

And using caps-lock just makes me ignore you anyhow.

The thread remains open.
 
Terrible grammar, and story. Also- Jerry Seinfeld? They're not allowed to know that they're in TVland. Only the trio (rocket trio) knows that they're in a TV. Wii, references... yeah, that's mostly it.
 
This is just my opinion, I'm not trying to be mean, but This story was just Chaos.

One thing is that the story lacks any excitement. The battle scenes were way too short and lacked detail. The whole thing was just a whole lot of random mess. You need to put more excitement into your story and not just One hit K.O.s for your battles. It gets boring after a while. You skipped a lot of parts that you could have deliberated more on. It's probably just me, but it's a little too random for me. On the other hand, you can still improve on it. Practice makes perfect, so take all the wonderful advise from everyone and put them into your sequel!

~Kyon
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Kyon. said:
This is just my opinion, I'm not trying to be mean, but This story was just Chaos.

One thing is that the story lacks any excitement. The battle scenes were way too short and lacked detail. The whole thing was just a whole lot of random mess. You need to put more excitement into your story and not just One hit K.O.s for your battles. It gets boring after a while. You skipped a lot of parts that you could have deliberated more on. It's probably just me, but it's a little too random for me. On the other hand, you can still improve on it. Practice makes perfect, so take all the wonderful advise from everyone and put them into your sequel!

~Kyon
​
Click to expand...

Let me guess... long story short, it's hell. It breaks entertainment laws!
 
Sequel

The Father of Ash 2​
The reunion​
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By Conicteam​
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Chapter 1​
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As our heroes drove through the forest onward (well, Bill actually drove), they bumped into a very, very fat black man, but he was so chubby the car just bounced back ten feet. The man burped and looked at the car.

"Hey Hey Hey! Are you guys okay," the man asked.
"Albert," Bill Cosby asked.
"Bill," Fat Albert replied in the same tone.

They ran and hugged each over. Fat Albert gave Bill a belly slam that knocked Bill back ten back from where he was standing, but Bill just laughed and laughed.

"Guys, I want you to meet Fat Albert," Bill exclaimed.
"Hi," Sonic replied.

Meanwhile, Jessie and James were looking at them. Now you're probably saying, "It's about time," but in truth, they were stalking them along their journey since Ash came to Hanover. Meoth was as well, and he was the one who was very annoyed that they met so many cool people.

"I've already met Sonic you bone head!" Sorry Meoth. I didn't know.

"I'm starving," Ash exclaimed
"Me too buddy! I could use a chilidog right now," Sonic replied.

At last our heroes got to Portsmouth. Before Connor said anything about the gym, Ash and Sonic went directly to the mall and its food court.

"Aw crap," Connor exclaimed.
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Hope you like it.
 
Bill Cosby, Fat Albert, Sonic... This story is just... Weird... And please don't tell me Fat Albert can attack like Pokemon because he's fat? T_T
The story's fine, it's just weird. Who's next? Kelly Ripa? Ellen Degeneres? Paula Abdul? Britney Spears? XD
 
Chapter 2​


As soon as Sonic and Ash finished their lunch, they headed straight to the gym, which was also in the mall.
"Welcome," the gym leader exclaimed, "I'm Dr. Egg… I mean Dr. Jonas."
"I love the Jonas Brothers," Dawn exclaimed.
"I'm not related to those buttheads," Dr. Jonas shouted
"I'm his robot assistant, Sam," Sam shouted.
"Well I'm Ash Ketchum," Ash shouted, "and I'm ready to battle! Go! Pikachu!" Ash called Pikachu, and Pikachu ran to the field.
"Okay! Go! Dustox," Dr. Jonas exclaimed.
"Go! Vulpix," Sam exclaimed.
"I'll join in! Go! Polidock," Connor exclaimed
"That thing looks a lot like a Poliwag," Brock stated.
"POLIDOCK. A POLIWOG POKEMON. ITS ATTITUDE IS PRISSY, BUT VERY CALM," the pokedex explained.
"Pikachu use thunder on Dustox," Ash commanded.
"Dodge and use psybeam," Dr. Jonas commanded. The psybeam hit Pikachu at full blast.
"PIKA," Pikachu cried.
"Polidock use surf on Vulpix," Connor commanded.
"VUL," Vulpix cried as she fainted.
"Vulpix return," Sam exclaimed. Sam sent out another Pokemon.
"Go! Electobuzz," Sam exclaimed. Instead, another robot came out.
"Grounder what are you doing here," Sam asked, "Never mind, just attack."
"Hang in there Pikachu! Use thunder on Grounder," Ash exclaimed.
"Ouch," Grounder cried, "Watch it kid!"
"NO DATA AVAILABLE," the pokedex stated.
"That's not a Pokemon," Sonic exclaimed, "That's Grounder, and the guy commanding him is Scratch. They are both robots."
"Polidock use Quick Attack on Dustox," Connor exclaimed.
"Pikachu use thunderbolt on Grounder," Ash yelled. Grounder fainted, but Dustox barely took damage.

Who will win this epic battle?
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Terrible grammar, and story. Also- Jerry Seinfeld? They're not allowed to know that they're in TVland. Only the trio (rocket trio) knows that they're in a TV. Wii, references... yeah, that's mostly it.
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I'm not saying they're in TV land. I'm saying that Ash and the gang see his show which comes on there as well.
 
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Chapter 3​

"Aw man," Scratch exclaimed, "Oh wait! I had another Pokemon! Go! Electobuzz!" Scratch finally sent out Electobuzz, but it was weak. He barely damaged Polidock, but damaged his partner's Pokemon, Dustox, enough to make it faint.
"Pikachu use iron tail," Ash shouted. It did a lot of damage on Electobuzz.
"Hang in there Electobuzz! Use thunder shock on Polidock," Scratch exclaimed.
"Dodge and use bubble beam," Connor shouted. That finished Electobuzz off.
"Well guys, here you go. Take the Ro…. I mean Jonas badge as your reward," Dr. Eggman/ Dr. Jonas exclaimed as he put a tracking device on Sonic.
"Good job Ash," Jerry Ketchum exclaimed.
"Dad," Ash exclaimed. Ash ran over to his dad and hugged him.
"It's a long time since I last saw you, a few days to be exact," Jerry exclaimed.

Our heroes explored the mall and buying a lot of stuff. Dawn got fancy clothes. Connor got a lot of NDS games. Sonic got a charger for his cell phone. Good ol' Ash got a lot of Pokemon care supplies. Fat Albert got a lot of donuts while Bill got some more books. Jerry got more DVD box sets of Seinfeld.

"Hey Sonic," exclaimed a voice behind him. Sonic looked behind him.
"Tails," Sonic exclaimed.
"I brought Knuckles as well," Tails exclaimed.
"Yo Sonic! How you doing," Knuckles shouted.
"I'm doing fine," Sonic exclaimed. Knuckles looked behind Sonic and saw a tracking device on Sonic.
"Um, Sonic, what's on your back," Knuckles asked. Sonic took something off his back.
"Eggman," Sonic exclaimed, "I knew the gym leader wasn't Dr. Jonas!"

"Gym leader," Knuckles and Tails asked.
"Yeah, my friend Ash has 3 gym badges," Sonic replied.
 


Chapter 3​


"Aw man," Scratch exclaimed, "Oh wait! I had another Pokemon! Go! Electobuzz!" Scratch finally sent out Electobuzz, but it was weak. He barely damaged Polidock, but damaged his partner's Pokemon, Dustox, enough to make it faint.
"Pikachu use iron tail," Ash shouted. It did a lot of damage on Electobuzz.
"Hang in there Electobuzz! Use thunder shock on Polidock," Scratch exclaimed.
"Dodge and use bubble beam," Connor shouted. That finished Electobuzz off.
"Well guys, here you go. Take the Ro…. I mean Jonas badge as your reward," Dr. Eggman/ Dr. Jonas exclaimed as he put a tracking device on Sonic.
"Good job Ash," Jerry Ketchum exclaimed.
"Dad," Ash exclaimed. Ash ran over to his dad and hugged him.
"It's a long time since I last saw you, a few days to be exact," Jerry exclaimed.

Our heroes explored the mall and buying a lot of stuff. Dawn got fancy clothes. Connor got a lot of NDS games. Sonic got a charger for his cell phone. Good ol' Ash got a lot of Pokemon care supplies. Fat Albert got a lot of donuts while Bill got some more books. Jerry got more DVD box sets of Seinfeld.

"Hey Sonic," exclaimed a voice behind him. Sonic looked behind him.
"Tails," Sonic exclaimed.
"I brought Knuckles as well," Tails exclaimed.
"Yo Sonic! How you doing," Knuckles shouted.
"I'm doing fine," Sonic exclaimed. Knuckles looked behind Sonic and saw a tracking device on Sonic.
"Um, Sonic, what's on your back," Knuckles asked. Sonic took something off his back.
"Eggman," Sonic exclaimed, "I knew the gym leader wasn't Dr. Jonas!"

"Gym leader," Knuckles and Tails asked.
"Yeah, my friend Ash has 3 gym badges," Sonic replied.
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And please don't tell me Fat Albert can attack like Pokemon because he's fat?
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Now would I do that( well mabee, nah)?
 
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You double posted the same chapter...
 
Oh gosh, T_T the Jonas Brothers. T_T
This story just doesn't make sence anymore. T_T
 
According to the new PFF rules, this story fails to meet the quality for fics. The chapters are too short, with a lack of description. And it also seems like you're not taking your time on this, ignoring people who tell you to take the time to improve.

The fic is now closed due to not meeting the standards. Try again next time after you take a look at the writing guides.
 
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